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Dating: When do you back off?

Sometimes a guy is getting the run around from someone he is pursuing but he doesn’t realize it. One of our readers wants to know when or if he should back off from a young lady he met last year. He has spent time with her but only if he initiates. His efforts are not reciprocated so he wonders if he should cut his losses and move on.

There are women who enjoy the whole process of being pursued and courted. Then there are those who will use a guy for attention, meals, and even sex. Guys have to be careful not to waste their efforts on the wrong women.

So how do you know when to back off? What if the person gives mixed messages?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

142 comments Add your comment

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
8:31 am

Hey everyone

so what should I do, should I ask where this is going, or just keep spending time with her and hopes she realizes how much she really loves me?? Oh the dilemma, I think I’ll just ask her.

disco

January 31st, 2014
8:45 am

Good morning. The run around huh? old boy whining about the runaround? A lot of men would just be happy the chick wasn’t sweating them or pressuring them to commit. the occasional date, the occasional “relations”. Sounds like a placeholder relationship to me. short answer: he’s not the one she wants BUT he can choose to hang around for the temporary benefits or he can go elsewhere.

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
8:52 am

Hey disco, guess it’s just you and me again :-)

disco

January 31st, 2014
8:56 am

Looks that way. Maybe the rest of the blog is giving us the run around.

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
8:57 am

Yea they just using use for our words

disco

January 31st, 2014
9:02 am

Well at least they aren’t asking to borrow your truck? lol. I suspect it’s going to be a long day. I’m looking out the window imagining how inmates must feel when they manage to get a peek outside.

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
9:06 am

Disco, shhh don’t be giving any hints (LOL) I’m sure they get a different feeling, because you can walk out there, they can’t (LOL)

SlimNu

January 31st, 2014
9:07 am

Morning all,

Finally back in the office after all that mayheim.

disco

January 31st, 2014
9:08 am

Alright single – we’ve got the floor. Let’s talk about pet peeves. I’ll go first. People who don’t know how to answer a direct question. I can respect if you don’t want to answer, refuse to answer or simply say I don’t know but to answer by going up the block and around the corner and ultimately end up giving me a response that has nothing to do with the original question irks the heck out of me.

Hey slim!!!!!

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
9:12 am

Hey slim, welcome back, I came out looking for you

Pet peeves, so hard to narrow them down. but one would be the over use of words, “literally, basically” and using bring in the wrong context

disco

January 31st, 2014
9:14 am

Continuing with pet peeves. Folks who can’t remember anything. Always going “what’s the name of that movie/that restaurant/that place went. You know who I’m talking about. What’s his name/ what’s her name?” why don’t you hang up and call me back when YOU know what you are talking about.

Reio

January 31st, 2014
9:23 am

Morning all.

Well, I must say that during my dating years I was fortunate, in that, all of the women that I expressed interest in (Asked for her phone number, or, asked her out) reciprocated in such a way that I was convinced that they, likewise, were interested in me, to some degree.

Seems like I can recall an instance when I asked a woman out and she may have said “I’d like to, but I may not be able to that evening, let me get back to you”, and did. Or, “I’m kinda seeing someone right now but….” The only phone number I didn’t get was a time or two that they didn’t have a phone. There was an instance or two where I got the impression that they weren’t quite as interested in me as I was in them, and if you know me, you better believe I mentioned this to them, and each time they seemed to perk up and show more interest. Why it took my mentioning of this to them to cause them to perk up, I don’t know, but it seemed to do the trick.

I will say this though, back then, just as now, if I express interest, she has to reciprocate immediately. Otherwise I’ll just turn, walk away, and don’t look back. I would pursue, but I never chased. She either reciprocated right then, or I was gone for good. If you play hard to get with me,
“You won’t git got”.
Hell, I was the kind of guy who would have said, had this happened to me, “Well, that’s ok, is that your sister over there? She’s cute, what’s her name?” Oh yeah, I certainly would have, had the situation been just right. If I express an interest in you, but you, for whatever reason, can’t or won’t reciprocate right then?, for me it would be as if you never existed. Just move on to the next one, even if it’s your sister. Didn’t give a damn. Still don’t.

disco

January 31st, 2014
9:34 am

hey reio – I suppose I understand where issues of mixed signals and communication errors could come into play especially since you mentioned playing hard to get. some women were simply raised to play that game. Be aloof, don’t act eager, let him call you. all well and great but I know chicks that won’t even return calls because they figure that’s “sweating him”. I’m not knocking anyone’s dating rules but I suppose some rules are just holding folks back.

disco

January 31st, 2014
9:41 am

single – back to pet peeves (can you tell I’ve been going through it lately – lol). folks who bring extra people with them when you invite them someplace. Sometimes it’s cool. Sometimes it’s not. You really should check before you show up with someone else in tow.

SlimNu

January 31st, 2014
9:44 am

Howdy disco!

Single – You came out looking for me where? I wasn’t one of those folks stranded on the side of the road, thank God!

Exiled

January 31st, 2014
9:51 am

Advice to Diva’s male friend and All men:

Don’t moan;make her moan…literally! :lol:

See,if a chic is acting like she wants but she ain’t going the next mile….get with her program. Get with her when you feel like it. Pretend like u don’t see how she is playing it.

If she just wants u for sex…..what’s there to moan bout? :lol:

Who in their right mind,for example,is gon moan that a ho don’t wanna be wifed? :lol:

Some men just don’t have it upstairs!

Where is ur pride for Christ sake?

If a chic just wants a man for restaurants visits,make her earn the dinner! Bring her home!

Don’t moan…make them moan!

Happy Friday MIA!

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
9:51 am

Slim whew, I thought I passed you by :-) How long did it take you to get home?

Disco, things that make you go hmm (LOL)

Reio

January 31st, 2014
9:52 am

disco – As much as I would have regretted it, because there were several women that I was really anxious to get to know, had they not reciprocated, I would have moved on. And I know that some women were raised to be aloof a bit, or, don’t be too forward, hell, my sisters were. I still remember my mom telling my sisters “Don’t let him know you’re too interested…”, or, “Be a lady, don’t be like Brenda, that chile’s azz is too fast.” So, I was aware of this, but didn’t care.

disco

January 31st, 2014
9:54 am

Ex – I hate to admit it but I like that. “don’t moan. make them moan.” that’s a good one.

SlimNu

January 31st, 2014
9:55 am

Single – Well I didn’t try to drive all the way to Conyers so I crashed at a friends crib closer to the job….even with that being close it took a couple of hours. A friend of mine was in traffic about 10.5 hrs….she still didn’t make it home. She had to stay at one of her friends house…then a guy friend of mine ended up abandoning his car on 285 and walked to a hotel off Camp Creek. THey were out of rooms so he slept in the lobby with a bunch of other stranded folks.

Exiled

January 31st, 2014
9:57 am

Slim…I still don’t get how folks get stranded on the highway..now they wanna blame the governor and mayor etc.

Some folks are not street smart!

Why wait to be dismissed from your job by your boss when danger is coming.?

I don’t get it.

Me,I will just disappear from work,no explanation.

And…u know…a lil seniority helps. :lol:

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
9:59 am

Slim I took the side roads, and was suprised at how little traffic was on them, but the major arteries were jammed pack, I made it home in 1 1/2 hours, that was from north of downtown to morrow. I passed over 285 and moreland, and 285 was stopped in both directions, and we were just breezing by them (LOL)

Exiled

January 31st, 2014
10:00 am

Or,take a sick day off.

Why blame the governor?

Wussification of America in action

Celisea

January 31st, 2014
10:01 am

MMeello, it amazes me how you’re “the man”, but nearly all of your advice and antics are playing games….pretend you don’t see her, pretend she’s irrelevant, blah blah blah….really? Is that how GROWN men do it? I mean a “tight” game would be a man that gets it done and said sans any pretense, any of this right here —–>

See,if a chic is acting like she wants but she ain’t going the next mile….get with her program. Get with her when you feel like it. Pretend like u don’t see how she is playing it.

A playa playa ain’t gotta pretend. It is what it is and you sold it as such. IJS

Mornting :mrgreen:

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:01 am

The bright side is that some folks have a good story to tell about where they were. Of course, the folks who were safe at home were safe at home. What’s so exciting about that 20 years from now when you are recounting the tale?

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
10:01 am

Disco, one of my pet peeves is people who gives long answers and then get mad because I don’t.

Leggs

January 31st, 2014
10:03 am

Speaking from experience, he should cut her loose. She’s not interested in him. If he should call at a time when she’s bored and has nothing else to do and wants to get out, she will take him up on his offer. She declines more of his date requests because she basically finds him boring. It’s not what she’s looking for long-term but will accommodate him short-term. He already knows the real deal just hoping against hope. I would tell him to stop calling her, stop asking her out and although he doesn’t realize, she probably thinks of him as a diehard chump.

I guarantee you, once you stop running behind her, she’ll turn around and see that you’re not there wondering why you’re no longer pursuing her and when she calls you, give her the brush off. Plain and simple. Women want you to want them, even if they don’t want you. #truth.com

Good morning.

Celisea

January 31st, 2014
10:04 am

His efforts are not reciprocated so he wonders if he should cut his losses and move on.

I can almost bet, without knowing, that this chick ain’t took her turn to pay for his meal…lololol Diva it’s not “wasted efforts”, for a man to do what a man is suppose to do. But hey, what do I know? What’s efforts not reciprocated? What does that mean to this guy? It’s hard to discuss, cause some dudes will scream Bloody Mary when really, he’s crying wolf and being made to stand up and be a man. If being a man is too much of a stretch, then yeah, pull out.

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:09 am

leggs – how you gone tell old boy to stop calling? You and I both know most women keep a flunkie in her rotation. He’s the flunkie. Let him stick around and do what a flunkie does until he gets sick and tired of it. lol. he leaves too soon and our girl will be pressed to find another flunkie. A good flunkie is hard to find.

SlimNu

January 31st, 2014
10:10 am

Ex – I just don’t think anyone really believed the weather would be that bad. We always here about snow or flurries and nothing major happens. In this case, when it happened it happened super fast…then couple that with everyone trying to leave at the same dayum time….just added up to a big arse mess

2CPTG©

January 31st, 2014
10:12 am

a year?? really, dude?

SlimNu

January 31st, 2014
10:12 am

Single – Well lucky you that you knew about the side roads….I don’t know what I would’ve done had I been stuck.

2CPTG©

January 31st, 2014
10:17 am

I don’t know what I would’ve done had I been stuck.

Call me!

DuShawn

January 31st, 2014
10:18 am

If a chick plays hard to get with me……her azz won’t get got. It’s a fine line between persistence and nuisance.

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
10:18 am

Slim have to know those side roads when you have to go through downtown and use the interstates on a regular basis.

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
10:19 am

2C I wonder how many people did call someone only for both of them to end up stuck (LOL)

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:21 am

Y’all got me thinking of that song (hi-five I think – help me out leggs. lol). “she’s playing hard to get and she won’t admit it. she’s playing cuz she likes me”.

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
10:22 am

Disco, pet peeves (lmao)

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:24 am

single – I missed the joke. What’s the pet peeve? Playing hard to get or being reminded of songs?

Single & Happy

January 31st, 2014
10:29 am

disco, folks who can’t remember anything

Celisea

January 31st, 2014
10:31 am

And oftentimes, you ain’t playing hard to get, sometimes a dude just don’t get it. So it reeeeallly depends on which side of the coin you’re on. If a chick a feeling you, beat it! I laughed when I typed this….lololol Don’t go blaming her cause you’re Stuck like Chuck and can’t read the writing on the wall.

On a serious tip, any man or woman that’s feeling you will definitely reciprocate. Away with all the formulaic crap for getting her panties. If she wants you in there, she’ll take them off…..

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:33 am

single – omg. We go in circles on that one. Dude be like “you know what I’m talking about” and I’m like no I don’t. usually I do know but I just refuse to help. lol. I then urge him to just say what it is he’s trying to say anyway but he’s still stuck on trying to remember the name of something. it would be funny if it didn’t irk me so.

Leggs

January 31st, 2014
10:33 am

disco ~ yes, he’s the flunkie but since he’s whining about it he may as well stop calling. He has problems being the flunkie so stop being the flunkie!

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
She’s playin
She’s playin hard
She’s playin hard to get
She’s playin
She…but she likes me
She likes me
She’s playin hard to get
She’s playin…she
But she likes me
She likes me
She likes me
She’s playin

I can tell by the look in her eyes
That she’s into me
Cuz when she passes by and say “Hi”
I can tell by her smile
That she’s shy as can be (She’s playin’)
I don’t think she can see my crush on her
♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

kimmie

January 31st, 2014
10:35 am

Morning All!!

Why wait to be dismissed from your job by your boss when danger is coming.?

Exiled – This reminds me of a special I was watching right after 9/11. They were interviewing people who had to evacuate the twin towers. A couple of folks at one of the investment firms talked about this sister that was the receptionist at the front desk. She was described as one of those hardcore, brownnosing, by-the-book types. Folks were getting all kinds of warnings that something was going down at the other tower and they needed to evacuate immediately. She kept going on about how she wasn’t going to leave until she got the okay from her boss, yada yada and everyone should just stay put. Well everyone else with some sense was like “eff that” and were getting the H outta there, leaving her sitting at that front desk. Nobody ever saw her again. :(

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:36 am

leggs – I knew you could name that tune. If we were to ever meet and ever be in a music trivia match I want you on my team. lol. btw, dude may know he’s the flunkie but he’s not ready to accept it yet. I hope girlie milks him for a little bit more.

kimmie

January 31st, 2014
10:43 am

On topic – She’s just not that into ya dude. And that’s okay. You can stick around if you want and be her flunkie. If you get ghost on her and suddenly she starts acting interested, I would still advice against getting with her. She’s playing games. But that’s just me.

Like Disco said earlier, dudes complain all the time about women “sweating them” or trying to pin them down when they are not ready, blah blah blah. I don’t think it’s rocket science to figure out if someone is into you or not. It’s not hard to let someone know you ARE into them without coming off thirsty or stalkerish. Well, it shouldn’t be hard, but what do I know?? LOL!!

Celisea

January 31st, 2014
10:45 am

I hope the dude in today’s post will let it go if she’s not ready. Like I said, I need to understand exactly what he means saying she’s not reciprocating. Does he say I love you and she’s not said it in return? Is he paying for the meals and she’s not offered? Does he have to pick her up all the time? Does he do all the planning? What? Or, is he really going out on a limb, like for real and she’s not shown any gratitude? And how can you tell a dude was feeling you probably more than he’s willing to admit, he’s awwwfully salty. Hope this won’t happen to him. Nothing worse than a bitter dude. A mangina would be in order if it comes to this…lol

Everybody is grown and should be able to move on. If she played too hard to get for you and you was a good dude…..her lost. If she didn’t fall for the okie doke, then call it as such and stop hatin, saying she played hard to get. You already know yeen want nothing noway :)

SlimNu

January 31st, 2014
10:46 am

A good flunkie is hard to find….hahahahahaha disco you’re sooooo funny :lol:

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:47 am

random – I was trying to wait until it warmed up some before taking my car to the car wash. I felt it would be almost disrespectful to get your car hand washed in freezing temps but today, somebody, somewhere is going to wash my car.

disco

January 31st, 2014
10:50 am

slim – might be funny but it’s honest. Just any old body can’t be a good flunky. They have to look at least well enough that you don’t mind spending time with them occasionally. They have to at least have (and be willing to spend) enough money that they are worth keeping around. They need to be handy or have some kind of skill that you need be it mechanic, painter, plumber, something. and they have to express interest without beating you over the head with it and getting on your nerves. Tell me that ain’t hard to find. ijs.