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Declining the move-in offer?

A friend of mine wanted to move in with his long-time girlfriend this year. When he first brought the idea up, she told him she was in love with him but she didn’t want to live with him. Even though he spends a lot of time there, he feels that this is a bad sign for their relationship.

I wonder if the fact that he suggested cohabitation instead of marriage is the real sign here. If you turn down an invitation to move in, does it leave your relationship in jeopardy?

When you discover that you aren’t on the same page, what do you do?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

162 comments Add your comment

Durty Burd

January 30th, 2014
7:17 am

Good Morning!

GlammourGirl….I am still out of town,braving cold temperatures in Virginia.

Good to see everyone made it home safe. Bad national spotlight on the ATL, this disaster trumped the State of the Union address.

GlammourGirl what say you on this topic?

Everyone have a great day!

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
8:09 am

I don’t think it’s a bad for the relationship, but why suggest living together and not marriage? Have they discussed marriage? If you’re not on the same page and want to get on the same page, work it out. Not living together shouldn’t break the relationship. The relationship should continue to thrive, and if it doesn’t then they have the wrong partner. Cohabitating should be an added bonus to the relationship not the defining aspect to the relationship.

Good morning.

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
8:10 am

BRRRRRRRR, I’m going to light my fireplace.

lee

January 30th, 2014
8:27 am

Morning,

on the topic i agree with Leggs.

I heard from the folks up north, Atlanta is the laughing stock of the world. Even made the local news smh

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
8:32 am

lee ~ although Atlanta gov’t definitely dropped the bomb, everyone converging on the roads at the same time, let any northerner come here and try to drive on this black ice and all their northern sensibility will fly out the window! #truth.com

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
8:41 am

Morning All!

On topic – They need to discuss where the relationship stands. Yes I would have a problem with dude thinking I’m okay to shack with but not marry. Did he say shack with the intention to propose down the road? Him thinking her response is “bad for the relationship” shows he is a little clueless to what the lady wants and her standards. Hold out for the ring girl!

North folks can laugh all they want. It wasn’t a laughing matter. And I would still not trade places with them living in that cold damn near every day!

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
8:48 am

Leggs – I’d say the biggest ball was dropped not by ATL govt but state Deal govt! Like Reed has been trying to tell everyone, he has no control over the interstates. We all know the “deal” – the storm was originally forecasted to hit the south side the worst. We all know it was not a priority, could have cared less!

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
8:55 am

On topic: Nooooo way, no way Jose, don’t do it! I’m sort of with ole girl, what’s wrong with marrying her…..VERSUS MOVING IN??? If he likes her and want it to work them date her, exclusively, from his home and she from her home, until they decide to do the dang thing…..and marry….or not. But I wouldn’t advise anyone to shack up. I didn’t it for a really long time. I don’t regret it (as with any of my experiences), but I wouldn’t do it again.

Dude wants ’round the clock goodies and wants to play house. And he’s asking why she ain’t feeling that? What’s wrong with men today???

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
8:59 am

kimmie ~ when I say Atl gov’t, I’m basically saying the Bama of the week. (sorry Single).

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
8:59 am

Off topic: I have to really give it to our management team. We’re at home, a third day, working….due to inclement weather. They big on safety, family matters, your life and health. It’s almost like, why would you venture out into such messy weather when you can be home and be safe. My manager said in her emails a couple of times “this is why you all have laptops.” :) :)

At first my brother and friend called to tease me Thursday about the “booghiness” of our team and how they already knew no one was gonna brave that weather, but by the time they got my sister home, they both were saying my job made the right decisions by sending out notifications ahead of the snow to sit still. I had to ask them, uh huh who’s laughing now…..when they were out there struggling to get back in…..all in fun though :)

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
8:59 am

I can only imagine the disappointment to be in love and expecting a ring and dude comes out with “will you shack with me?”

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
9:00 am

did not didn’t and they’re not they

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
9:01 am

Leggs – I know just making it clear to others reading. It’s ‘Bam’s fault!!lol

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
9:05 am

Celiesa ~ emails were sent out telling us to stay home and remain safe. Nothing is that pressing at work to brave this weather. AND, they not making us use our PTO.

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
9:05 am

If you turn down an invitation to move in, does it leave your relationship in jeopardy?

No, IMO. It simply means she’s not gonna settle for anything other than the real deal. He should jump at locking it in with ole girl

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
9:08 am

they’re…

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
9:09 am

Leggs – Same here. That’s how I felt about my sister’s job….got folks out in Timbuktu and holding til 1:30. Yet the dern manager drives across the street and she’s home. It’s selfish and incompassionate to place folks in jeopardy versus keeping a job….IMO

Regarding time….it’s considered regular time, cause even though we’re home, we’re working….like for real…lol Like I had to put up my “do not disturb” on my IM system cause I was getting hit left and right. So we’re here safe but we’re working full days. Online, answering emails, processing requests, so forth and so on.

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
9:14 am

Cel – He will jump at locking it in with her if he’s got those intentions. If he’s just after easy access to free goodies, well u know the rest…….

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
9:17 am

Kimmie – Definitely. Good intentions goes a long way with women. That’s determined a lot for me…at the the feeling of good intentions versus not. In the past if I thought a dude was just bumping his gums, hiding his fangs and horns, I mighta humored him for a minute, but I already knew…dude don’t want nothing. No point in wasting my time…lol

Maybe the guy in today’s post will “get it.” Maybe he’ll get “she’s a keeper” and will do the dang thing

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
9:18 am

Dern….what is wrong with me….

that not that’s and “at” should not be in that sentence. I haven’t had coffee…yeah that’s it…lol

2CPTG©

January 30th, 2014
9:22 am

I’m not one for shacking up – so, I’m with the chic on this one.

YesSheIsCute

January 30th, 2014
9:39 am

I haven’t been home since Tuesday. The roads seem to have melted some so I am going home after work tonight! From what I’ve skimmed through on the last blog entry and basically what I’m getting from news reports, seems like they didn’t want to spend the money b/c they thought only the SOUTHSIDE would be affected. Now that the city of Atlanta and North Atlanta metro has been affected too all of a sudden it’s the ball was dropped. I don’t know but that’s what it seems like to me. I’m from NYC and used to taking public transportation to school in 4 feet of snow. I’m used to opening the door and snow falling in the house AND still going to school on a delay at best. My school NEVER got called on the cancelled list on 1010 WINS news. Anyway, this is unacceptable took me 2,5 hours to drive 10 mins tuesday. Needless to say I didn’t make it home.

Back to the topic. Shacking up is a bad idea. She’s right for saying no. I would tell him no shacking up but put a ring on it and we may be able to re-neg.

disco

January 30th, 2014
9:42 am

Good morning. My initial problem with the whole thing is dude moving in with old girl. what is up with that? why do chicks never move in with their dudes?

disco

January 30th, 2014
9:44 am

kimmie – re trading places. I say that all the time when someone calls me clowning about how the south reacts to weather. The southerners may be clueless during a winter storm but northerners (and I am one) are straight fools for choosing to stay in that mess. I got out as soon as I was old enough AND I don’t visit between October and April unless there’s a funeral that I can’t miss.

Single & Happy

January 30th, 2014
9:48 am

Hey everyone, Leggs!!

I have a rule about living together. We have on week to get married, if it can’t happen by then, then she needs to stay where she is.

As far as the laughing stock. $hit happens!! Maybe we should have laughed at all the problems they had after the hurricanes!!

disco

January 30th, 2014
9:49 am

Re shacking in general: I don’t think it’s good or bad. It’s personal. If you are for it, do it. if you prefer to hold out for marriage, do that. thing is not everyone wants to be married. If two folks don’t want to be married but want to live together, I see nothing wrong with that. I know almost every month when I pay an entire household’s worth of bills with my own money I think about the benefits of another wage earner in the house. again, I get back to my original problem. dudes almost always wanting to move in with their women. This bothers me to no end but I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

disco

January 30th, 2014
9:50 am

single – when I lived in texas they always clowned me about being from the northeast. Not just the general winter weather but this was around the time when the power grids were acting up and there were a lot of blackouts. Like the whole northeast wasn’t paying its electric bill.

Single & Happy

January 30th, 2014
9:52 am

Disco, we have to move in with the woman because we don’t have a problem with it being yours, or the people that have been there before us.

disco

January 30th, 2014
9:57 am

single – is that it? I’ve wondered for a while. I know almost every instance I know it’s a dude moving in with his woman rather than the other way around or them looking for a place together. We’ve already discussed how I am dead set against a dude posting up in my spot. I just cannot get with that. a friend tried to put me on the spot by coming up with exceptions to my rule. lol.

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:04 am

Hey Disco!

Girl, no way! Heck it’s too cold in the ATL for me sometimes, any further north and I or hubs would need a job offer we absolutely could not refuse!

You r right, it’s a personal preference. Marriage is not for everyone and shacking isn’t either. I think where the problems come in is either party going along with something they don’t really want, bowing to pressure. Don’t agree to shack if a ring is what u really want or give a lady a ring but u really don’t want to marry. Both of u make an honest decision.

Single & Happy

January 30th, 2014
10:07 am

disco, I’ve heard all the exceptions to my rule, with #1 on the list being “we’re saving for a wedding.” My answer to that is, okay then we can get married at the courthouse and have the wedding on our 1st anniversary.

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
10:07 am

disco ~ I forgot all about the first sentence. Exactly, why does he have to move in with her? What is he bringing to the table besides furniture? Doesn’t matter, playing house is just that, playing! Go for the big leagues and unionize by marrying.

“…but northerners (and I am one) are straight fools for choosing to stay in that mess. I got out as soon as I was old enough AND I don’t visit between October and April…” – Same here; however, my last visit home was the month of June and I was miserable = no air conditioning!

disco ~ sounds like the woman in the topic may want more than shacking up. Could be why she said no.

A BOY will spend all his time finding a woman to sleep with, but A MAN will spend his time finding a woman to wake up to that’s wearing the ring he placed on her finger!

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
10:09 am

Single ~ I like that.

disco ~ finally watching Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:10 am

Disco – It may be like that in Single’s world, but the vast majority of dudes I know that moved in their woman’s place didn’t have a place of their own(still living with mom), lived in a dump or were just basically sorry dudes with not much going for themselves. Those dudes that were about it have a nice place they can move their woman in or they looked for a place together.

2CPTG©

January 30th, 2014
10:12 am

disco, being a dude myself, I cocncur with your sentiments – about dudes always moving in with females……My Pops told me a long time ago, a Man has to have his own spot! that way, she can’t tell you to “get out!” only, “go home!”

abc

January 30th, 2014
10:16 am

Any proposal that is declined by one of the two parties puts the relationship in jeopardy. I think that’s pretty obvious, though. Her decline is at least as poignant as his proposal. Whether his proposal is appropriate is moot in that regard.

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:17 am

Dang, I didn’t really take in that first line either – dude needs to go sit down somewhere!

abc

January 30th, 2014
10:20 am

Marriage vs. shack job: a wedding is only a ceremony; marriage is nothing but a legal status. Two people know if they’re married or not, in the only way that really counts. Now, very few people consider themselves truly obligated to each other unless that’s legally true, but that speaks to whether they’re really marriage material, in my opinion.

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:25 am

Abc – all that is fine, but it speaks volumes to me if a man didn’t want to make it legal with me in the eyes of the law and God. Period, point blank, but that’s me & my world!

abc

January 30th, 2014
10:28 am

The only way that really counts to me is God’s view, and to me, that doesn’t require a church ceremony, or even a church’s recognition. I shouldn’t get started in on churches, totally not into the church scene at all.

Legal recognition is important though; it applies to civil rights, taxes, all kinds of stuff. It’s not what really counts, though, as far as commitment and obligation.

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
10:29 am

There is a huge difference in marriage versus shacking (i.e. playing house). There is the right proposal and the wrong. There are not related nor similiar. So, IMO “any proposal” verus the wrong makes a wrong of difference. “Any proposal” for me says one should just accept any ole thing, cause you’re my boo…I should be grateful, feel honored. Not so, come correct or don’t come at all.

Kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:30 am

Abc – You r right in that all the ceremony and legal stuff means nothing if your r not truly committed to each other.

Celisea

January 30th, 2014
10:31 am

any proposal verus the right proposal makes a world of difference….is what I meant.

I really couldn’t care less about a dude suggestion we shake and I say no, and he starts to feel some kind of way about the whole relationship. I’m wondering why I mean so less to you that you can play house over doing the right thing.

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
10:37 am

The piece of paper is the legal status. Marriage entitles one to benefits, the ability to speak on behalf of the other in a medical crises, a plethora of entitlement that simply living together doesn’t grant.

Leggs

January 30th, 2014
10:39 am

But, I agree, if you’re not committed to one another what really is the point.

kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:44 am

With shacking there is just not the same level of commitment. Not the same incentives to making the relationship work.

I’m reading this topic over and over now. I wonder of the lady is saying “I’m in love with you and don’t want to shack but want to marry” or is she saying “I love you, but I CANT live with you because of our differences”. Some folks love each other dearly but just can’t live together under the same roof, married or not. They clash just that bad. They give marriage a go, but end up divorcing, amicably even. They are better as boyfriend/girlfriend, with their own seperate homes.

disco

January 30th, 2014
10:45 am

kimmie / leggs – that’s always the first thing that jumps out at me when folks move in together. “men who move in with women” is about to make my pet peeve list.

Single & Happy

January 30th, 2014
10:47 am

Kimmie, I don’t know anyone that still lives with their mother, and all of the guys that the woman did move in to their place, it wasn’t long before they were moving, for the reason I stated.

Isn’t it funny that the person who turns down the proposal, whether it be for sex, marriage or shacking, is the one who should be open, The one doing the proposing shouldn’t try to see the other persons side of it.

abc when in a relationship, you should always be willing to do what the other person want’s to do?

kimmie

January 30th, 2014
10:52 am

You know, I’m reading all these articles on other sights talking about the political fallout from Deal & Reed’s handling of the storm. This is just some more hype by the media. Reed just got reelected, so he has nothing to worry about. Deal is up for election this year, along with others up for election around midterms. The ice is melting and next week it’ll be something else the media is jumping on. Most folks have short term memories, especially if it’s a politician they like. Are they still talking about the federal government shutdown & fiscal cliff stuff? Will they remember THAT and who went along with that mess come election time? No. Deal doesn’t have anything to worry about, he could have been on a beach in Hawaii while this mess was going on and those folks that like him will still give him a pass. Vote against their own best interests!

abc

January 30th, 2014
10:55 am

I believe that if legal obligation is the only motivation that keeps a partner around, then that’s really not that much to honor. Of course, I’ve been there, I know what it feels like. It makes me more thankful than ever of my life now, and for my excellent wife.

No, I’d not say that in a relationship, one should always be willing to do what the other wants. It goes both ways: both parties must feel free to propose anything that comes up, and both parties must accept it if one declines.