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Relationship dilemma: Bedroom politics

I received an email from a young woman who said she has a relationship dilemma. Her boyfriend of four months asked her to try something in the bedroom that she really wasn’t into. They discussed it and she told him no, but he seemed relentless about it. After really breaking down the reasons why she had that “boundary”, he kind of sulked about it. Now, he gets an attitude with her and tries to make her feel guilty. What should she do about it?

I haven’t given her a response yet because I wanted the blog to discuss bedroom politics. Should there be a power dynamic in the bedroom? Do you think that who is in “control” is important? If your partner prefers to do or not do something, shouldn’t you be able to communicate and find a way to compromise?

I also wonder if pouting and sulking when you don’t get your way is a red flag? It kind of reeks of immaturity, in my opinion. It definitely would put a damper on my attraction to a guy if he threw a tantrum over sex. Like, what are you 13 years old!? What this behavior be a deal breaker?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

260 comments Add your comment

lee

January 28th, 2014
5:59 am

There is only one rule and here it is:
1. You should only ever do what you feel comfortable doing(point blank period)

Been in several relationships where the guy didn’t want to do what I wanted, i never sulked only children sulk … She needs to dump him and keep it moving … he needs to be slapped trying to act like a man when he is a lttle boy.smh

Everyone be safe.. up to 4 inches of snow :( I moved south so I would not have to deal with that white stuff. ugh Time to move to KEy West

Single and Happy

January 28th, 2014
7:29 am

Hey all

Hmmm lets see, Her boyfriend of four months asked her to try something in the bedroom that she really wasn’t into. Easy MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE He’s shown you who he is when he doesn’t get his way.

Lee smile sometimes!! You moved here to get away from snow??? so no one told you that it did snow here sometimes. And even if it does (I’ll believe it when I see it) it will be a pleasant memory in 2 days.

Kat

January 28th, 2014
7:31 am

His sulking makes her seem much too mature for him. Depending on her age, if she is not willing to learn new tricks, then it makes sense for them to both end it now. He sulks, she withdraws (ahem), no one is happy. Four months? Better than four years.

Durty Burd

January 28th, 2014
7:35 am

Good Morning!

DUMP HIM RIGHT NOW! NOT COMPATIBLE

THREE WORDS For today!

Celisea is crazy! hehehehehehe!

Celisea do us all a favor spill the beans so we can discuss then move on past your rants or your trying to kill the blog.Biblical principles don’t apply to you in this case.

GlammourGirl…How are you doing beautiful? What say you about this topic.

Everyone be safe!

Button

January 28th, 2014
8:11 am

I would like to know why she’s not willing to do it, that could start but in the meantime he should dump her! the nerve of her not wanting to try new things. If she’s not willing to try new things then she should not do ANYTHING!

Good morning!

Button

January 28th, 2014
8:13 am

I refuse to argue over schex. Period.

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
8:18 am

I’m working from home today….yaaaay!! It was mandated for us. Our office is closed.

On topic: Ummm, yeah dump this dude. He ain’t been “in there” long enough to make dern demands, annnnd play the sulking game. Deal breaker. Probably want her to do some ole nasty degrading stuff.

Off topic: Durty – Chile boo…it’s funny I don’t call not one name and “alllll” these other names (one person I bet) starts yelling “who she tombout, me?” 2can started foaming at the mouth asking if I was accusing him and I’ve NEVA EVA had dialog too much, let alone offline interaction. Then here you come….I say the dog keeps barking. I’m good though, cause even though folks wanna be as blind as Stevie Wonder, all the ranting and spittle, folks asking “who me” AND I AN’T CALL NO NAMES, is hilarious. Like I said, YOU know who you are and GUILTY!!! :) :)

Off topic: Apollo got locked up! Mmm hmmm, I asked yesterday how he was making his money…lol Well, I guess now I know. What you do ALWAYS catches up with you. Round here bragging on tv bout wasting thousands and come to find out, fraudulent money. Dern shame. Phaedra probaby wants to bury her head in the sand. Not only is he a bum that lies and cheats and chases tail, he’s a criminal.

Now, let’s have a fun snow day!!

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
8:20 am

AND I AIN’T CALLED…..is what I meant.

Imma run and get coffee…..BBL

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 28th, 2014
8:24 am

If/when you care about someone, you should at least be open to trying new things.

I mean really? What’s the point of being in a relationship if not to grow together and experience new things?

Sulking might not be the way to go about it, but, if I’m telling you about something that I like, and you’re not even into trying it (food, skydiving, etc.) – that’s a red flag. I want to know you’re willing to go there with me. And if you are even able to consider it, well then, time for me to move on?

“Nope, I’ve never done that and I don’t want to do it” is not a okay answer.

“Let me think about it” is.

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
8:30 am

Being open versus being wide open vastly differs. Four months ain’t long enough to sulk over someone not really being cool trying Lord knows what. Get in there and get to know her better. BTW, what’s up with folks wanting to do EEEEEVERYTHING off the rip, but want to learn you later. If he was willing to get to know her, maybe he would have learned she wasn’t feeling whatever he wanted. There’s a difference in compromise and giving everything away for another. If you give it all away (and I don’t mean sex), what are you left with?

Robert

January 28th, 2014
8:34 am

“Relationship dilemma: Bedroom Politics”

Robert’s Rules On Dating – Top 10

1. I am the “BOSS” in my bedroom. What happens stays here. No pictures
2. I love a “cheerful” woman. No problem showing her appreciation
3. I love a woman who knows what she wants. Just Do It!!!…Yes Baby
4. I love a woman who is not afraid to feel-loved (hug/kiss/hold hands)
5. I am a man that has “slow hands” and loves caressing my woman’s body
6. I am a man who loves affection (kissing, hugging, etc.) all the time
7. I am a man who looks for creative ways to satisfy my woman (toys)
8. I am a man that is secure with his sexuality. I love women
9. I am a man that respects a woman’s body. God’s greatest creation
10. I love a woman who knows how to love a man like me(passion & desire)

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 28th, 2014
8:36 am

See Celisea, to me the two things are related.

How we respond to our partner is just as valuable as the information contained in the response.

“Ewww, you nasty.” vs “I’ve never done that, have you? What about it turns you on?”

^^Is the diffrence between growing together and forcing yourselves apart.

Oan I’ve found that learning their sexual mores is a great way to get to know someone.

SlimNu

January 28th, 2014
8:36 am

Dan – Just because folks are coupled up and of course have to compromise, that doesn’t mean that one should throw all caution and comfort to the wind for the sake of the other person. It may just mean that their level of compromise will not work for that particular person. Things should be within reason and having the other sulk like a 12 yr old is a turn off.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 28th, 2014
8:47 am

I’ve not said yet “do it.”

I’m saying “consider it” “think about it”.

Just like he (may have) tried that rough looking bowl of pasta when she called herself ‘cookin’ or tried to be nice to that one perputually single, always nasty friend of hers, or went to some fancy schmancy restaurant where she ordered something and only ate half of it – all with a smile and/or an open mind….she.can.think.about.his.request.

Compromise isn’t “giving in” so much as ‘letting go’ and ‘opening up’.

And yes, sulking is wrong.

More likely though, he’s processing why to stay with someone that – at this point – won’t consider doing something (extra) that turns him on. He may (also) be plotting his escape…I’m sure I would be; based on how she responded.

GlammourGirl

January 28th, 2014
9:29 am

Good morning Durty. Welcome back. How was your trip?

I think she needs to keep it moving. Dan, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m sure most people have some things that they just won’t do, won’t compromise on. Sounds like this is hers. He needs to respect her decision. If that’s a deal breaker for him and something he has to have then he needs to keep it moving too. To me this isn’t synonymous to trying a new dish, restaurant, etc. And then it’s only been 4 months and he’s expecting her to do something she’s not comfortable. We aren’t virgins anymore, but maybe that’s the one thing she wants to wait until she’s married to do or is with someone that has some longevity in her life.

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
9:31 am

Dan, I agree with your 8:36

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
9:33 am

Dan, for the record, I’ll hear anybody out as it relates to new ideas and what not. Not as closed as you might think, but if it’s something against my principles, after I’ve heard you (as it’s only fair), I’ll explain my stance and why it’s something I can’t or won’t compromise

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
9:43 am

He may (also) be plotting his escape…I’m sure I would be; based on how she responded.

Well, while I agree with most of all that you said, I disagree here. Why would you need to “plot”, just like the sulking isn’t called for, neither is plotting. Be a man about it and say, well being closed minded does work for me and on that note, Imma have to move on to someone more compatible. NO?

Sassy Me

January 28th, 2014
9:57 am

Her boyfriend of four months asked her to try something in the bedroom that she really wasn’t into.

Operative words for me in that sentence are “FOUR months”….cut your losses and K.I.M.

I also wonder if pouting and sulking when you don’t get your way is a red flag? What this behavior be a deal breaker?

Pouting and sulking about schex is a huge red flag…and after only four months?…chile puhleaze. If he’ll sulk about that then there’s no telling what else he’ll act immature about…I mean really, where they do that at? That’s a definite deal breaker…

kimmie

January 28th, 2014
10:04 am

Morning All!!!

They discussed it and she told him no, but he seemed relentless about it. After really breaking down the reasons why she had that “boundary”

To me, the above statement says it all. It says to me, even though she told him up front she was not comfortable with it, she was still at least willing to discuss it. That doesn’t spell “closed minded”, “unwilling to compromise” to me. And depending on what it is, how really do you compromise on a sex act? Either you do it or you don’t. People love to throw out, especially men, “she won’t even try xyz”. Certain things I don’t need to try to know I’m not going to do. I should not be made to feel bad or feel guilty about it either. We are all grown. Grown enough to decide whether or not we want to do something or not. Maybe something tramatic happened to her in the past associated with the act he wants her to perform. For me, certain more risque things were saved for marriage, not some dude I had only been kicking it with for 4 months. She’s not obligated to submit to jack cause he’s not her husband. He don’t have it like that with her yet. If she closed the door on never ever doing it in life and it’s something he can’t live without, he needs to get to stepping and find someone he’s more sexually compatible with. Is this act worth sacrificing the relationship over? He’s got some things to decide.

Oh and he can miss me with the pouting. Even if I was considering going along with him eventually, that right there would turn me off. Men, not little boys rule my world. :roll:

2CPTG©

January 28th, 2014
10:14 am

Exiled

January 28th, 2014
10:15 am

Her boyfriend wants her to……in the bedroom….should she accept?

If she is virgin and he wants to hit,feigning sulkiness works … :lol: because she is sexually immature.

If she is a sexual veteran,whatever new he is trying to do with her,sulking won’t work. He might as well just rationalize with her since he done hit a couple times before the 3 month threshhold..she might change her mind.

I bet he wants Anal! :lol: maybe after 6 months buddy! :lol:

@Robert..why u gotta declare confidence in your sexuality when the pudy is right there? :lol:

..too funny!

@Lee says everyone be safe..allow only 4 inches! :lol:
Timid gal. :lol:

Reio

January 28th, 2014
10:15 am

Morning all.

This guy is no good. Hit the road Jack! Surely there’s a woman out there that’s willing to do what he wants. Let him find her.

2CPTG©

January 28th, 2014
10:16 am

asking if I was accusing him

find it!

SlimNu

January 28th, 2014
10:16 am

Well, it’s starting with the snow flurries over in my current hood.

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
10:18 am

LIke I said, we can sit across the table and I’ll hear you out. But if it’s something against my principles, nothing doing. To sulk, means I have a baby on my hands and we all know, I’m done with babies.

Reio

January 28th, 2014
10:19 am

Although this has nothing to do with it, since she’s not willing to do it, but I wonder what this is? Ain’t no telling what it is. Ole boy needs to do them both a favor and haul azz. Don’t look back.

Coach

January 28th, 2014
10:26 am

Sulking and throwing a “hissy fit” cause she was not into something sexually that he was? The man sounds weak to me. However, we never really know what people are into unless we get into the bed with them and they share those things with us. People are into all types, bizarre or otherwise. If a person’s fantasy is too bizarre however I will not participate, and possibly end the relationship. Somethings I will not do, no need to go into it.

Exiled

January 28th, 2014
10:28 am

Reio?

It’s proly just ur ordinary blow job.
Some females are too quenish for it but lose out eventually.
poor gal..she so vanilla! :lol:

Coach

January 28th, 2014
10:31 am

Now if she dont wanna do a BJ, she should def kick rocks!

DuShawn

January 28th, 2014
10:31 am

‘he can miss me with the pouting” I am embarrassed to admit, but I’m guilty of pouting. Even worse, I get mad for days. Trying freaky stuff has never been an issue, but the “not now I’m tired bullshid” is unacceptable. If I try to get some azz and she says no, best believe I got rocks in my jaws, and have very little to say…….until I get my fix….Then I’m happy again.

Sassy Me

January 28th, 2014
10:32 am

wow…sorry for her…

disco

January 28th, 2014
10:36 am

Good morning. let’s face it, most men never, ever stop sulking re getting some. They may deny it to the general population but I know those temper tantrums happen and I know I’m not the only person they are happening to.

disco

January 28th, 2014
10:37 am

D – thanks for your honesty on that one. lol.

kimmie

January 28th, 2014
10:37 am

Exiled – If she’s that vanilla, that’s fine she’s got a right to be as vanilla as she wants, especially at 4 months. There is somebody for her too. The question is why is dude acting like a douch? If he’s that sexually “mature”, shouldn’t be any sweat off his brow. If it’s just some “ordinary” he wants, why is he wasting time sweating her about it? That’s why I think it’s probably not something so “ordinary” he wants. He wants some “strange’ but he doesn’t have it like that with her yet, & acting like a little punk sure won’t get it either.

Exiled

January 28th, 2014
10:38 am

4 months..there are still getting to know each other……not the time to be putting boundaries unless he ain’t hit before.

Now u make him hit but u make him jump hoop first….? No gal…be spontaneous.

A man can’t wait hours with a hard D jus because ur mind ain’t right.

Flip that azz! :lol:

disco

January 28th, 2014
10:40 am

Sounds like it’s bout to get mars/venus up in here. lol.

Exiled

January 28th, 2014
10:43 am

Kimmie….why is he acting like a douch?

How should he act after being declined? :lol:

It’s a big ego piss to be declined after coming at her sprung and ready thinking it’s On.

Why is she tentative,acting like a virgin?

And this girl ain’t a virgin…Diva would have said.

U know what pisses guys off..knowing that this chic is experienced and has proly done this but wont go there with him.

kimmie

January 28th, 2014
10:44 am

Exiled – If there was ever a time to make him jump thru hoops, it’s now at 4 months, not 4 years after yall are married.

Naw, dude wants some strange. And instead of being patient about it, he’s tripping.

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
10:45 am

The dude in today’s post is probably some chunky dude and she’s turned off by him and his fatness…lolol It’s not the act, it’s him!!

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
10:45 am

If I had to lean over and move your gut out of the way, I’d take a pass like ole girl in today’s post….lol

disco

January 28th, 2014
10:46 am

Ex – so essentially you saying it hurts his little ego that his mack game ain’t strong. He mad because she must have liked the other brother more. He mad because the other brother must have been putting it on her better. He mad at himself and can’t think of anything better to do with that anger than huff and puff and stomp his feet.

Sassy Me

January 28th, 2014
10:49 am

Sounds like it’s bout to get mars/venus up in here

I know right?! :lol:

Celisea

January 28th, 2014
10:50 am

U know what pisses guys off..knowing that this chic is experienced and has proly done this but wont go there with him.

All the more reason to know it’s him and not her. Rather than sulking he should come at her with what Mmeello, so she can him the truth. IT HIM!!!

kimmie

January 28th, 2014
10:53 am

Exiled – You’re hilarious! But since I’m not busy right now I’ll humor you!

First, she’s not a virgin. She’s not acting like a virgin. She’s acting like a mature woman who knows what she wants and doesn’t want from some dude she’s only been seeing 4 months. Obviously she’s been there with dude. She didn’t turn down sex, just one particular sex act. She even explained to him why. Heck, she could have been raped or something. Whatever her reason, respect it and move on like a real man. Maybe one day when they get to know each other better and she feels more secure with him, she’ll allow it. Either way, that’s her perogative.

2nd – I know it burns dudes up when a woman won’t do with him what she might have done with other guys. You know what? Sucks to be them! All I can say is, speaking for myself, there were some men that just had it like that with me, that made me feel comfortable and secure and turned me on like that. Others were lucky if I agreed to hold their hand! Too bad! Shrugs! LOL!

kimmie

January 28th, 2014
10:55 am

Disco – Hey Girl! Your 10:46 is ON POINT!!LOL!!!

SlimNu

January 28th, 2014
10:58 am

disco – LOL good post! Can’t get mad at me that someone else may be able to bring out of me what you can’t. Sounds like a PP (personal problem) :roll:

Exiled

January 28th, 2014
11:06 am

Disco…yes but how can she ‘measure him’ at how good he is gon be when she ain’t done it with him?
:lol:

It hurts because just thinking and imagining putting it down takes effort! :lol:

Same way u would get hurt if u wanted sum and he said,’ I ain’t comfortable with ur pusdy’! Imagine? :lol:

Ouch!

DuShawn

January 28th, 2014
11:08 am

“I know it burns dudes up when a woman won’t do with him what she might have done with other guys.” I can’t speak to that directly, because I’ve only dealt with “no limit obedient freaks”, but I would presume most men know that what one won’t do, there are ten others that will.

kimmie

January 28th, 2014
11:09 am

Exiled – You can twist it any way you want, but Disco speaks the truth – and sometimes that hurts!LOL!!

Whether it’s a man or a woman being turned down – be adult about it!!