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Dating: Snap judgments

The Atlanta dating scene can be fun and exciting, yet we also manage to make it difficult and challenging at times. The way we kind check each other up and scrutinize every single thing to come up with some kind of snap judgment about people to discount them is unfair. I think we believe it is necessary though!

Think about how we look at the way someone is dressed or how they speak. We can tell without knowing more about them if we are interested in going on a date with them. At least we convince ourselves that we know enough to weed them out.

Is this really fair though? I remember meeting someone who had a lot of tattoos and piercings on Marta. He is sitting there trying to get my number and all I could think of was what would we even have to talk about ?! I am a raging nerd who would faint at the sight or a tattoo needled and my ears aren’t even pierced! So are snap judgments kind of useful?

Do you believe your first impression of a person should inform your opinion of them or do you generally give people more time and opportunity to see if there is more commons ground?

Have you ever made a snap judgment of someone and it turned out to be way off base?
How do we use our snap judgments for good?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

101 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

January 21st, 2014
6:23 am

Good morning! I have missed the blog so much!

Everyone makes judgments prematurely. It’s what being human is about. I normally wouldn’t talk to anyone who had tattoos or piercings etc, but I have to try something different if I’m hoping for a different result, right? I make an initial judgment but depending on the vibe I will give the person a chance. I can think of many times where someone has counted me out without even knowing the type of person I am, they just assumed I was a certain way based on their past experiences with someone who looks like I do.

lee

January 21st, 2014
6:51 am

I never make snap judgements, unless i see behavior right off the bat that i disapprove of .. Now i could never date someone with piercing first and most important it gross , i can’t even look at you, please take them out it hurts me to look at you( hanging shi.t off your eyebrow cheeks chin nose ugh )smh

Good Morning

Single and Happy

January 21st, 2014
7:33 am

Hello Everyone

First impressions can be lasting impressions, they also can be the wrong impression. But if something turns you off then it turns you off, no matter what other wonderful attributes that person has, it still will turn you off!!

MsAtl

January 21st, 2014
8:35 am

Morning All!

I think everyone has an initial impression, however fleeting, when they first meet someone. I do not rely on that. I try to get to know more about the person and make my “judgment” from there. People make snap judgment about me on a regular basis- from me walking into court and automatically being pegged as a caseworker rather than an attorney to people finding out that I am an attorney and automatically thinking I am snooty. That is the reason I try to avoid telling folks what I do right off the bat (even though it seems that’s the first daggone thing folks want to ask nowadays).

YesSheIsCute

January 21st, 2014
9:10 am

@MsAtl I can understand you not wanting to tell people what you do. I also don’t like to generally tell people what I do. I try to be as vague as possible but that’s because people go on about buddy passes and low cost travel. What do you say when people ask what you do? Are you vague (ex: you work in criminal justice)?

disco

January 21st, 2014
9:10 am

good morning.

atl – I have an acquaintance who is a doctor. she simply tells people she works in the medical field and leaves it at that.

I make snap judgments all the time. sometimes I’m off, sometimes I’m spot on. snap judgment or not, if something rubs me wrong I don’t care what I might be missing out on. for instance, I snap judge folks with green/gray/hazel eyes. I don’t want any part of them. lol.

disco

January 21st, 2014
9:11 am

yes. I go way vague as in “I work” and that’s it. they way I see it, my own momma doesn’t know where I work. why should some random somebody.

2CPTG©

January 21st, 2014
9:20 am

2CPTG©

January 21st, 2014
9:20 am

just made a judgment.

Reio

January 21st, 2014
9:24 am

Morning all!

“Do you believe your first impression of a person should inform your opinion …”

Of course. How can it not?
Obviously, one cannot just base your opinion on someone just by looking at them or hearing them. But I will say this, we all have some things that are show stoppers. Things that will prevent us from going any farther. This will vary from person to person. One thing I can say also, is that once I decide that you aren’t for me, no matter how soon or late it is after we meet, that’s it. I mean no harm but you gotta go. Perhaps in some instances I was a bit too hasty. I don’t know. However, if I decided that you and I couldn’t make it, my decision was always final. I’m willing to bet that I missed out on a good relationship with a good woman or two, but that’s the way it goes. It was their loss in some cases, my loss in others.

Button

January 21st, 2014
9:31 am

ppl make judgements, that’s how we either run from things or embrace it. Is it fair? it depends sometime we’re right and sometimes we’re dead wrong. folks think I’m uber conservative but they couldn’t be any more wrong. Uppity, goodie two shoes and other stuff I’ve been judged as being but once they get to know me they see I’m not all of that.

When it comes to dating you better have your snap judgement in place. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck – it’s a duck.

Good morning!

Reio

January 21st, 2014
9:40 am

I was seeing a woman years ago. Seemingly nice, kind, great conversationalist. A fairly impressive young woman. Went to pick her up one evening. Approached the door and was about to knock when I heard loud cussin. All kinds of ‘M’ words, ‘B’ words, “Yall this”, “Yall that”…….This woman was yelling at her kids about something. Every name under the sun. Thought about turning around and leaving. But I knocked on the door, one of her kids opened the door. He or she (Can’t remember if it was a boy or girl) looked shaken. Walked in, and she came in the living room with a big smile and talking sweet and nice. I pretty much decided that we couldn’t make it cause I was convinced that I had heard the real her through the front door. Didn’t like that part of her. Chastise your children when they need it, but the names she called them and the anger with which she used them, was quite a bit more than I felt was needed.

Oh, I can hear it now from some of you; “You don’t know what she was yelling about”, “Ain’t no tellin what those kids did.”, “If they were yours and the situation was right, I bet you’d be doing the same thang.”…No, that’s not true. Been angry at mine before. As teenagers, mine had their moments, especially my older daughter. And I yelled for sure. Name calling? Never. No ‘B’ words, No ‘M’ words…Loved them too much. Just couldn’t do it.

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
9:43 am

So are snap judgments kind of useful?” – Sometimes you’re on the mark about a person and sometimes you’re not. That’s just how it is. A snap judgment is akin to your “gut’s feeling.” Most times, your gut is on point.

WD ~ I was bummed out to read you wondered what you could possibly talk about with a person due to all the piercings and tattoos. As they say, you can’t always judge a book by it’s cover.

I was here at work all alone and missed the blog. I read newspapers all day (lol).

Good, good morning!

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
9:50 am

Reio ~ you won’t hear that from me. I definitely get where you’re coming from. I do not believe in berating your child(ren). You caught a side of her that didn’t gel well with you. To become that angry that you call your own child(ren) out their names and talk to them like they were soot under your shoe is definitely a red flag.

Reio

January 21st, 2014
10:05 am

Yeah, Leggs. She couldn’t think of enough names to call them. I was shocked. You can be angry. Kids will grate on a parent sometimes. Particularly the older ones, cause they tend to make bigger mistakes. But to say what she said? No way. I’m sorry. Can’t do it. She appeared well read, as I recall. Our discussions went from, oh, I don’t know, things like, world religions, mysticism, politics, philosophy, Plato, Socrates…Fairly heavy stuff. I was impressed. Very impressed. But all of that when up in a puff of smoke during those few brief moments that I stood on her front porch listening at her berate those children.

Reio

January 21st, 2014
10:14 am

Younger people tend to look at the physical aspect of a person’s demeanor versus anything else, I would think. What they wear, how they wear it, what they drive…..Which, when you’re young, is to be expected. “Hey, Marsha likes you. She said you was cute”…was a comment I got from time to time as a much younger fellow. But we were young and didn’t know any better. I did the same thing at that age.

Reio

January 21st, 2014
10:27 am

I don’t know if this contributes to the topic as much as other peoples will later, but I can recall being judged, if you want to call it that, by a few women when I was younger. Can’t say that I was turned off by it. Can’t say that I was turned on by it. It was just the way it was for a few of them. ” Gloria said you was cute, but she didn’t say THIS cute….” Or, some other similar line. Obviously they were very young, and so was I. Older women tend to keep that kind of foolish talk to themselves. They may think it, but won’t say it. But comments like that gave me an incite into their impression of me, and they hadn’t even gotten to know me yet. So, it happens, even when all you do is basically show up, a judgment has been made just based on your looks.

2CPTG©

January 21st, 2014
10:42 am

I snap judge folks with green/gray/hazel eyes. I don’t want any part of them.

just curious, why?

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
10:50 am

Ollie Ollie Oxen Free…..come on out and play!!

Reio

January 21st, 2014
11:11 am

Kinda slow day, looks like. I have always said that if you can see how a person handles anger, the sooner the better, in a relationship. Can tell you a lot a lot them. Preferably when they think you’re not around. Depending on how they handle it, one can make a fairly accurate judgment as to their character just based on this aspect alone. Fair? Unfair? I don’t know. But it sure can be helpful.

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
11:21 am

Not only how they handle anger, but how they handle adversity. Will a grown man or woman step up the plate, or will a punk a$$ beyotch whine and come up with every excuse in the book as to why this happened? Sorry for my foul mouth so early in the morn.

YesSheIsCute

January 21st, 2014
11:26 am

Leggs I’m gonna use that “ollie ollie oxen free” lol today

Reio

January 21st, 2014
11:28 am

Leggs, bout what time you start using foul language?

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
11:33 am

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 21st, 2014
11:35 am

As discussed in “Blink” I don’t think we make “snap judgments” so much as rapid decisions based on the information we have on hand through the prism of our experiences.

Now, WD, I, and presumably others here, have made these quick decisions and been both right and wrong. WD, I, and presumably others here had had these quick decisions made about us.

While I don’t know how tatted up dude was, this speaks to two things IMO 1) the decision to ponder “what would we have in common”, without making the decision to find out, and 2) the decision to not reciprocate or engage ol boy’s interest without getting more info.

Basically, the “snap judgment” in this case could have prevented a possible pairing; but without more information, no one will know.

Right or wrong, if this is your chozen process go for it. Though, complaints about “meeting/dating the same [type] of people” then become moot.

Morning

Sassy Me

January 21st, 2014
11:35 am

come on out and play!!

I’s lurkin’ and workin’..plus you guys have aleady summed/tied it all up and put a pretty pink bow on it.

Mornting :mrgreen:

RISS

January 21st, 2014
11:57 am

Hey everybody. I always read but never comment. But I couldn’t help it today because Disco, you and I have the same snap judgement. I won’t ever give a man with green, gray, or hazel eyes. I also snap judge light skinned folks…I’m not as bad with them, their light skin counts as one strike. Dark skinned men has 1 up just for being dark, lol.

RISS

January 21st, 2014
12:00 pm

I meant to say, “I won’t give a man with green, gray, or hazel eyes a chance.”

kimmie

January 21st, 2014
12:02 pm

Good morning/almost afternoon gang!

On topic – The tendency to snap judge based on outside appearance is rather human. We have been conditioned to think if a person is wearing X & Y then more than likely they are Z. 9 times out of 10 a person wearing “attention getting clothes” you won’t assume they are introverted, non-creative and conservative. If you roll out dressed like a hooker, don’t be surprised if folks assume that’s exactly what you are. Just be prepared for the questions.

People have always made snap judgements about me and they have run the gamut, especially when I was younger. People would see me dressed professional at work, unlike some of the other young ladies my age at the time that would be dressed like they were going to a nightclub. People would conclude that I was square and no fun and probably didn’t know how to let my hair down. That could not be further from the truth.

I never cared whether or not I was wrong in my judgments about men. What was meant to be would be. I never wondered if the dude I wrote off as a thug or a player might be otherwise. Never wasted my time worrying about such. And the only folks I ever cared about making a wrong snap judgment about me were potential employers. Otherwise, if you’re not paying me, I don’t care what you think.

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
12:12 pm

Otherwise, if you’re not paying me, I don’t care what you think. – Please close the church doors now!

kimmie ~ I had a friend who told me I should wear more revealing clothes while in my 20’s. I was very conservative in that I worked for a law firm and always dressed professionally. When we would go out shopping she would always bring me tight fitting hoochie looking mama clothes or tops that showed my imaginary cleavage saying “you’re so small you could really rock this.” Although I could, it wasn’t the imagine I wanted to project. If my conservative clothes eliminated the wannabe players/pimps/one nighters, I was good.

I remember wearing a long wool skirt to club (1) because it was freaking freezing outside and (2) I loved the way the skirt fit my semi-seeable curves. I was laughed at because (1) I was told I looked like an old fuddy duddy school teacher and (2) I won’t attract nary a fly wearing that skirt. I didn’t go home with a phone number that night, but I sure was asked to dance a lot. I accomplished exactly what I set out to do that night….dance!

kimmie

January 21st, 2014
12:21 pm

Leggs – I was told the same thing by some folks that thought sexy = hooker. I was ahead of my time in knowing one could be both classy and sexy, not one or the other.

With this cold weather we’ve had recently, I’ve seen many trying to sacrifice warm for sexy. If I’m walking around shivering, that’s not only not sexy but stupid. You can be totally covered up and still look HOT!!

disco

January 21st, 2014
12:31 pm

re kids and name calling. for the record I call my son all kinds of no good sorry worthless no count yellow so and sos. it ain’t nothing. doesn’t phase me. doesn’t phase him. lol.

disco

January 21st, 2014
12:32 pm

2C – funny colored eyes (as I call them) just disturb me. they give me the heebie jeebies and I can’t imagine ever being in a relationship having to wake up looking into those eyes on the regular. no can do.

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
12:35 pm

disco ~ when Reio posted that I thought of you because you have admitted to talking to your chirren that way. I grew up with MF’er being my mother’s favorite word or so it seemed to me. I will not use that word while talking to my child, EVER! Heck, when I do use it, please believe I am .38 hot and about to blow!

Durty Burd

January 21st, 2014
12:56 pm

Good Afternoon!

What it do? Out of town working on a project.

Man do not let a woman see a man with a stethoscope or dress in a suit, they instantly get hot and bother! heheheheehehe!

Because we are vision, we make vision judgments based on our belief systems that we have accepted as being a part of who we are!

GlammourGirl….If you can I would like you to chime in on all topics, I am gathering information on you. I like your style…. :) hehehehehehehe!

disco

January 21st, 2014
12:59 pm

legs – for the most part I was “heffa whanch (wench)” growing up. frankly being called names at home made it that much easier not to give a hot damn what someone in the streets called me something. I’ve witnessed folks in tears behind being called a name and needless to say I think they are some straight punks.

disco

January 21st, 2014
1:01 pm

durty – not necessarily. there’s a lot of doctors walking around looking like oompa loompas.

Robert

January 21st, 2014
1:21 pm

“I remember meeting someone who had a lot of tattoos and piercings”

Snap judgments – I hate to see a beautiful, intelligent woman with a lot of tattoos and piercings.

- Does she really think she is more attractive?
- Is she as “crazy” as she looks (bi-polar, etc.)?
- Does her man have tattoos and piercings too?
- Is she a product of her environment (ghetto, trailer park, etc.)?
- Does she have family members who love her regardless of how she looks?
- How old is she (20-30, 30-40, 40-50 yrs old)?
- Has she ever been in jail/prison?
- Are those jail/prison tattoos and piercings?
- What gang is she affiliated (crips, bloods, kkk, skinheads, etc.)?

Sassy Me

January 21st, 2014
1:21 pm

~disco/Leggs– My mom NEVER cussed at us…and I’ve NEVER heard my sperm donor cuss…EVER. Yes we’ve gotten some hellacious lectures/threats but never got cussed at. I know I’ve mentioned my BFF with the 4 children and 3 sperm donors…when she goes off, she goes ALL the way off. I’ve heard her get down with them the way you would with a person in the streets. I’ve known her for 20+ years and thankfully she’s never addressed me as such b/c we wouldn’t have been friends…

Riss

January 21st, 2014
1:26 pm

Let me try this again.

Hey everybody

I always read but never comment. But I couldn’t help it today because Disco, you and I have the same snap judgement. I won’t ever give a man with green, gray, or hazel eyes a chance. I also snap judge light skinned folks. However, I’m not as bad with them, their light skin just counts as one strike. Dark skinned men has 1 up just for being dark.

Reio

January 21st, 2014
1:31 pm

Speaking of anger and how people manage it, as being a way to get some insight into their psyche.
Years ago, my younger daughter developed a rash on her thigh. Actually, according to her mother, as I found out later, it was on her thigh sure enough, but in a fairly sensitive, kinda private area… But this is what happened after she casually mentioned that “Tomorrow I’m taking Angela to the doctor to see about a rash on her leg…”
Came home from work one day through the garage, got out and could hear my wife yelling about something. Kinda faint tones, cause she was upstairs. So I went to the kitchen on my way to the bedroom and she came into the kitchen, cussin, slammin cabinet doors, mumbling… I said “Heh,hey, hey calm down…What’s wrong?”, “That damn Angela is gitten on my last nerve!”, “Why? What’s happening? What’d she do?”, “Ain’t what she DID, it’s what she DIDN’T do!”, “What d-ya mean?”, “Her azz ain’t using that damn cream like she’s supposed to.”, “Cream? What cream?”, “That rash I told you about, the doctor wrote a prescription for some ointment for her to use twice a day. Evening and morning.”, “Ok, so?”, “So? Hell, her azz ain’t using it at all.”, “She aint? Why not?”, “She.. I… Uh.. Well. Sh!t, I don’t know! Som’n bout it stings or something. Doctor said the first few applications might sting a little. She knew that. You need to talk to her azz before I knock her out! This is the second time I had to get on her about this. I’m through widdit. Hell!”

So, I went to our bedroom, not thinking much about it. Seemed kinda trivial to me. But I was wondering what I would say to her cause her mother was fit to be tied. Anyway, I change and go upstairs to Angela’s room and knock on the door. “Come in.”, “ Hey Angie, hiya doin?”, “Ok.”, “Now, wat-cha doin gitten yo mama so upset?”, “She’s mad cause I haven’t used this ointment like I’m supposed to.”, “Yes, she told me. Why not?”, “Cause it stings.”, “Yes, but after a day or two it’ll stop stinging.”, “Well, I just don’t want to use it.”, “But, you gonna have to honey. The doctor wrote a prescription for a reason. Let me take a look at that rash, it’s probably gotten worse, cause you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do.” Now, I’m expecting her to kinda point at it, sorta. Kinda. Or show me what little she could. But, before I knew it, her azz had stood up and (I guess she must have pulled her short pants and panties down at the same time) turned away from me, and bent over a little and exposed herself right there in front of me. I immediately went “Heh hey hey, ok ok ok that’s enough, I don’t need to see it!” I had plum forgot that her mom had told me that it was in a kind of sensitive area. I’m here to tell yall, I went slap the fvck off on her azz!!

Angela was around 13 or 14 or so. Now, I’m fit to be tied. Mad as hell. Forgot all about her not using the ointment and went off on her azz, cause she was so quick to show me what she did. I know she did it cause I asked to see the rash. Which is true, cause I DID ask. But, hell, at that age, I would think she would require a gun to the head to get her to do what she did, especially for me, her dad. Good gracious! Da hell? No way in hell her sister, my older daughter, would have done that. Hell naw!! “But you said you wanted to see it.”, “Yes, Angela, I did, but I don’t need to see anything else!! Sh!t. The doctor, or your mom maybe, but not me, or anybody else for that matter. You understand?”, “Yes sir.”, “Now, you start using the stuff like the doctor said, or I’m going to have to do it for you. Is that what you want?, “Well, it’s up to you.”, “What!? What’d you say!? Up to me!? I’m a man, that’s not for me to see!!”, “But you’re my dad.”, “Sh!t! What better reason to not want me to see that. Hell, I’m the last person you want to see you like that. That’s why I taught you and your sister to always lock the door when you go in the bathroom….” I went on and on…Yelling, talking loud…I guess she got the message. Didn’t hear anymore about it. I was hoping and praying that she did the right thing, cause I had threatened to do it for her, and Lord knows I didn’t want to do that. But I had already made the threat, and her mom had already washed her hands of it altogether. So, I was kinda stuck, if she didn’t start using that ointment correctly. I think I handled it bout as well as I could have under the circumstances.
I still don’t know how in the hell she didn’t seem too embarrassed of reluctant, and so damn quick to do what she did. I was about as close to I have ever been to calling her some kind of name, but I didn’t. Thank goodness. She was young and didn’t quite get it yet. Her sister did, but she was a bit delayed, I guess. I don’t know. But she continued to grow and mature and nothing like this ever came up again. I could have used any number of choice words and names but didn’t. I’m getting upset just thinking about it. Hell.

disco

January 21st, 2014
1:34 pm

robert – that sure is a lot of “snap” judgments.

sassy – i am one of those folks who swears freely. it’s nothing to say this hoe/heffa/trick or worse. just how i roll. i’ve certainly offended some over the years but i just figure we weren’t meant for one another because i sure can’t be biting my tongue to deal with other folks’ sensitivities.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 21st, 2014
1:34 pm

Question:

What’s wrong with cursing when speaking to children? in the opinion of those against it

My mom cussed around, at, when talking to, when talking about, when talking around me and in general.

I also heard her speak quite elegantly, correctly (which her being from the Sip made it all the more impressive), and do both those things in public and private speaking. Ma Dukes was the first person to teach me “code switching” before it had a name. Back then, we called it “knowing when/how to speak given your audience.”

That said, sometime kids do isht that make you wanna cuss ‘em. They are balls of “ego” and “id’ with little regard beyond they’re immediate needs. And, as far as I’m concerned/was raised, it’s my job to get that out of them as quickly and humanely as possible; and well before “the world” does.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 21st, 2014
1:36 pm

S/B “talking *to me and in general

disco

January 21st, 2014
1:38 pm

i have some friends who don’t swear at or in front of their children. i can’t respect that but let them know that in my house or in my car their kids are subject to my words. don’t want them to hear it, keep them out of my house and my car. punk azz kids. lol.

Button

January 21st, 2014
1:43 pm

I am 10 years old (YES 10 YEARS OLD!) and I have a major boy problem. My ex (Bob) broke up with me, and I felt funny around him and a little mad. So I kind of moved on. I went to my crush who had previously asked me out, and I said yes. Now I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. I asked my mom and didn’t like the answer, so now I’m asking you.

Reio

January 21st, 2014
1:46 pm

Cussin can be a way to release some anger and get your point across to them. No names, just a few choice words here and there. Only when I needed to hammer something in their heads. Something that we had discussed a time or two previously. Nothing gets me angrier than when they keep making the same mistake. That’s when I went off the most. My expectations grew as they got older. The older they got, the less tolerant I became. Dammit.

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
1:59 pm

Reio ~ Interesting story, your fine is $3,585.

Dan ~ I think cussing should be kept to a minimum around children. Yes, I cuss using the same 3 words. I try to keep it to a minimum around my child, but no secret she has heard me cuss often enough.

Button ~ that fast a$$ 10 year old will be chained to her bed.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 21st, 2014
2:05 pm

@Reio, thanks for answering

@Leggs, thank you too. We just disagree.

Again, #HIWR is that the world don’t give a fugg. People will talk to you any kind of way and you have to 1)get used to it, 2) develop a think enough skin to “take it” (within reason), 3) be able to – in any situation/circumstance articulate your anger in an appropriate manner.

Now, that “training” started at home. And, because it did, by the time I had my first job, I got promoted in 6 months because the boss didn’t have to repeatedly tell me stuff, I knew what they wanted, did it without being asked, and got soo good that I could play around and/or ask for more work.

Then, as now, I saw kids without this training, get fired, cussed out, and hurt feelings.

I don’t want my kids to experience any of that. So let me be the first rasshole you learn to deal with and know full well that I’m always on your side. Again, it #HIWR

Leggs

January 21st, 2014
2:07 pm

And how is it she has a bf at 10? What do they do with each other, watch cartoons after school. How she get this past her mother? What choice words did her mother utter? How is this possible?