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Dating: Ask about intentions?

The way dating works can really leave a lot to decipher, which can be tricky. Sometimes people start off in hot pursuit and then it gets less hot. Or perhaps you get all kinds of mixed signals and don’t know what they really want. So is it really best to just come out and ask the question?

I remember asking a guy if he was just looking for a hook up partner or fling. After conversations we had started to show be didn’t want to really get to know me, I needed to be sure. He didn’t like that I asked but he was able to be honest. He wanted a fling with the potential for more. We were not on the same page so I kept it moving. I saved my time and unnecessary energy figuring out his intentions!

If you are not sure of someone’s motives, is it a good idea to inquire about intentions? What if you don’t like what they tell you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

297 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

January 15th, 2014
5:15 am

Good morning everyone!

Always ask. It cuts out wasted time, energy and emotions. I’ve learned it’s better to ask and know than to eff yourself in the head with your neuroses, what if’s and self doubt. A lot of times, if you have to ask (are you interested, are you looking for fwb/nsa situation, where is this relationship going), you already know the answer…

That’s one of the reasons why I usually don’t ask such questions, because in my experience it’s just what you suspected. So I just dip and leave guys to whatever it is they are doing… If I ask you it’s because I really, really, REALLY like you and feel like it’s worth a shot to see if you have better intentions, before I just say eff it cut you off and move on to the next.

lee

January 15th, 2014
6:50 am

Good Morning
I like what Yessheiscute said.

When i was younger I never had to ask what a guys intentions, it was known. Now I am not sure if sociality has changed or the men as they get older feel the need to sowwildoats syndrome but it seems you need to ask.

Hagd

Single and Happy

January 15th, 2014
7:25 am

Hey everyone

so you ask this question and get the answer you want! Then things don’t work out, have you wasted your time then? Since I never go out looking for a relationship they just happen, I’d never ask this question. And if someone asks me this before getting to know me, it’s time for me to go. Dating is about getting to know someone to see if they are a suitable mate, not being together because you are on the same page! For some this takes a long time, for others it may never happen, but it doesn’t stop life from happening.

YesSheIsCute

January 15th, 2014
8:02 am

@SH I don’t think it is bad to ask what someone’s intentions are. Just because one’s intention is for a relationship doesn’t mean you and the date will even make it that far. Why would you feel it’s time for you to go if a woman wants to know whether or not you just want to screw her or get to know her?

Button

January 15th, 2014
8:22 am

It’s always good to find out his intentions early on. I usually say something like this ” I’m a relationship type of girl, I’m not into casual dating, hooking up or casual schex” something along those lines. It’s not on the first date but soon enough. It’s good way to filter out who’s serious and who’s not. You have to be careful though, some guys will lie and tell you what you want to hear to appease to you but his actions never matches his words. Dating should be about getting to know someone and getting to know someone involves getting to know their desires even if it’s not with you.

Good morning!

Miss Moni

January 15th, 2014
8:57 am

GOOD Wednesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

If you are not sure of someone’s motives, is it a good idea to inquire about intentions? Absolutely!!!

What if you don’t like what they tell you? You have the choice to keep it moving.

Some people make things more complicated when they really don’t need to be. If you are unsure of something, ASK!!! I don’t believe in thinking, assuming or just going with the flow when it comes to relationship. I need to KNOW exactly what it is OR what it ain’t. The key factor in dating is that you always have the choice to NOT participate if you don’t agree to the conditions and simply move on!

Miss Moni

January 15th, 2014
9:00 am

“some guys will lie and tell you what you want to hear to appease to you but his actions never matches his words.”

-Button Great point! As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.

Reio

January 15th, 2014
9:09 am

Morning all!

“…If you are not sure of someone’s motives, is it a good idea to inquire about intentions?…”

Yes, of course. But here’s the problem. Suppose you ask, and get a satisfactory answer, then what? Well, another question arises. Is he/she lying? The truth is, it’s always best to ask. But to KNOW the truth, is to watch their actions during the course of the relationship. The old adage “Actions speak louder than words.” hold true, no matter what their answer is.

As a younger fella, I would always ask. And while it’s more than likely true that quite a few people on this blog were/are in the habit of “asking”, the truth is, the vast majority of people do not. Men don’t cause they assume that this particular lady is a ‘one man’ woman (Which is usually true. Most women are not ho’s). And women don’t ask cause they don’t want to scare him off with talk of a committed relationship. Early on, the more questions one asks the better. In my opinion.

disco

January 15th, 2014
9:18 am

Good morning. I’m most def on team “don’t ask, don’t get” with this one. I have nary a problem with point blank asking what the deal is. I can respect the truth no matter what it is and hey, if you just in it trying to get you some, just say so. I might go for it. You never know.

Button – re folks telling you what you want to hear. That’s the game. Men do it, women do it. The ones that excel at the game take it a step further and show you what you want to see as well. With the right words and the right actions they can kill the game. Have somebody all caught up and not knowing what hit them when it’s all said and done.

YesSheIsCute

January 15th, 2014
9:19 am

Reio you bring up a good point about women not asking because they don’t want to scare him off with talk of a committed relationship. Which brings me to my question…and what the fvck is wrong with wanting to be in a committed relationship? Like you’re a nut case for wanting to be exclusive with a man. I really hate that general sentiment. I will tell you straight up, Look, I’m not looking for fwb, nsa, one night stand, or anything that resembles any of the above mentioned situations. If you hit this once, the d is mine on demand and if you don’t like it, good luck on your future dating endeavors. THE END. I really don’t have time for all the bs niceties. First and second date ok, but beyond that let’s put the cards on the table.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 15th, 2014
9:21 am

I was always taught that “a closed mouth don’t get fed”, meaning ask for what you want.

As for Reio’s contention that women are afraid of “scaring the guy off”, I believe that to be true.

What I also believe is that rather than investing time into something on the hope that it’ll just “work itself out”, ask the question, speak your peace, and declare your intentions.

A person that’s gonna run is gonna run at that first convo about it, after some arbitrary time limit to wait for…whatever, and realistically, at the first chance s/he can get.

So don’t lose weight (in a bad way) stressing over something that may or may not happen. Open you mouth, if not your heart, and steer your own fate by asking the questions that you want answers to.

Good morning

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
9:25 am

He wanted a fling with the potential for more. We were not on the same page so I kept it moving. I saved my time and unnecessary energy figuring out his intentions!

Good for you Diva, and way to go!

If you are not sure of someone’s motives, is it a good idea to inquire about intentions? What if you don’t like what they tell you?

I always ask, at the right time. Not day one, but when the time is right. And “the time is right” don’t mean six months into it. Not going that long on an assumption. Also, a good indicator is words versus actions. Don’t let youself get willied….IJS

MsAtl

January 15th, 2014
9:28 am

Morning All!

I don’t see a problem with asking the question. While I may be open to casual dating (I agree with S/H that dating is about getting to know someone to see if they are a suitable mate), I am not open to casual sex. Therefore, if you are ONLY about getting sex then I need to know that so WE do not waste each other’s time.

The last man I dated actually made it clear up front that he was looking for a relationship. He also started talking about marriage after a few months of dating.

The older man I told you guys about emailed that he stopped talking to me because I didn’t indicate that I wanted the relationship to progress further. I hadn’t invited him to family functions and didn’t say I would go away with him. Okay, we were clearly not at that point when he wouldn’t even pay for a movie ticket. We also had not done anything but bowling and a movie (not conducive to good talking), no meal dates, nothing. Not saying that is required, but saying there was no in-person opportunity to do a lot of talking, it was phone conversations. Definitely not enough for me to decide I want a relationship with you.

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
9:28 am

And if the answer you get is not what you expected or wished for, consider yourself fortunate cause really….now you know, all the more wiser. You have what you need to K.I.M.

MsAtl

January 15th, 2014
9:28 am

Oh damn! Didn’t realize it was that long. Blog corner???

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
9:31 am

Oh, and just know if you’re that dude (or chick) that is offended with the question being asked, if you’re that dude (or chick) that refuses to define or speak to what you’re doing or your intentions, or if you’re that dude (or chick) that wanna just let things flow, we can do that (lol), just know as long as we’re “casual”, ain’t nothing, nothing I say happening. We gon casually eat and talk….but that’s all. Nobody got time for getting bamboozled. You can act the part of a relationship and do all the things as if, but I can’t ask? Umm, yeah like that’s gonna happen…lol

Single and Happy

January 15th, 2014
9:33 am

@Yes, because if I was trying to screw her, I would be letting those intentions known. If we’re just hanging out having conversations then why should I have to tell her I’m trying to get to know her? As far as the committed relationship, if you ask that question to soon, and there have been some, I did leave, but if it came after we got to know each other, were really enjoying each other then it wasn’t a problem. And all mine have came before sex got involved.

Button

January 15th, 2014
9:33 am

most parents ask the guy what’s his intentions for their daughter.

Reio

January 15th, 2014
9:33 am

With respect to asking questions of a date, I can recall a little encounter I had with my wife (Then, girlfriend). She answered the questions, but let me know that she wasn’t about to play 30 questions with me. I was firing’em off in rapid succession. One after the other. She essentially told me that while she enjoyed my company and conversation, and didn’t mind questions, she would prefer that I allow questions to arise naturally, from the particular conversation, versus having them fall from the sky without warning. Which is exactly what I was doing. She also asked that I not allow her request of me, to cause me to view her in a bad light “Since I see something in you that I have never seen in a man I’ve dated before.”….Sh!t worked for me! Hell, I was hooked!! Ask questions? Yes. But be careful. Too many, could be a turn off.

disco

January 15th, 2014
9:40 am

reio – re questions being a turnoff. that’s typically me. I don’t generally take well to be interrogated. Of course, it’s one of those subjective things. Someone I am feeling I’ll chat up and down and not be upset about a bunch of questions. Someone I’m not feeling will get a side eye, a twisted lip and a snippy response to quit digging all up in my business. lol.

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
9:40 am

I’on understand “too many” when all one needs to ask is “what are your intentions?” That’s an easy one :)

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 15th, 2014
9:43 am

I ask a bunch of questions, even now.

It’s how my mind works. I’m like a dog with a bone, I will ask everything about a subject/topic that I’m interested in. Did it turn some women off – yup; but, #BWIM, it turned more than a few on.

It’s called intellectual curiosity rather than interrogation

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
9:45 am

If you are not sure of someone’s motives, is it a good idea to inquire about intentions?

YOU have to protect YOUrself. I think it’d be foolish to wait on or expect someone else to do it. I’m not saying there aren’t genuine people our there who will but I think that starts with the individual. I have no problem asking and if we are(n’t) going to be on the same page then I want to know so I can govern my @$$ accordingly..

What if you don’t like what they tell you?

Then as a free thinking adult I’m leaving…hell. Sadly there are some (wo)men who stay in hopes that they can love/schex the person into changing their minds and when that doesn’t happen people get stalked…isht gets burned up…cars get keyed and so forth..

2CPTG©

January 15th, 2014
9:48 am

The ones that excel at the game take it a step further and show you what you want to see as well. With the right words and the right actions they can kill the game. Have somebody all caught up and not knowing what hit them when it’s all said and done.

whoop, there it is!

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
9:49 am

Really, I don’t know a woman that wouldn’t ask or wouldn’t want to know. Who would just “riiiiide” it out, hoping things will stick?? Trust, a dude that means to do well by you won’t have a problem with you looking out for your best interest. Trust

disco

January 15th, 2014
9:49 am

Dan – like I said, in my opinion, if I like them a bit it’s intellectual curiosity. If I don’t, they are just a nosey MF. lol.

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
9:53 am

YSIC like that 9:19….definitely on point.

YesSheIsCute

January 15th, 2014
9:53 am

Dan what does BWIM mean?

Reio

January 15th, 2014
9:55 am

Celisea – Are you saying that, in your experience, most women ask?

kimmie

January 15th, 2014
9:56 am

Morning Gang!

I learned late in the game to speak up and let the chips fall where they may. I was formerly of the school of not asking such of a guy with the fear of scaring him off. I tried to figure out his intentions by his actions. That did not always work and I wasted a lot of precious time. Some even tried to get technical about it – just cause we’ve been seeing each other regularly, like 3 or 4 times a week, for the past year does not mean you are my girlfriend because I didn’t say so! I got my feelings hurt a few times after that bs.

Yes – That’s the question I started asking myself and men I dated – what is wrong with wanting a committed relationship?

So yeah, after a few dates I started asking what’s up. Didn’t have to ask with husband though, he made it clear rather quickly what he wanted.

Oh, and don’t worry about “liking” what answer you get. The only thing you should be concerned about is getting a truthful answer, not whether you “like” it or not.

disco

January 15th, 2014
9:57 am

random – do you ever wonder why folks you don’t talk to keep talking to you???

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

January 15th, 2014
9:59 am

@YSIC

#BWIM – means Back When It Mattered

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:01 am

Reio – In my experience with guys I’ve dated. I should phrased it as what woman in their right mind wouldn’t ask. And while I can’t speak for most women, I can speak for women of the same caliber as myself. There’s not much variance when it comes to smart women. We ain’t go play house, play games allow all the relationship type stuff to pop off, and not know. We’re ain’t going years wondering. We’re gonna hit it dead on. And yes, I know there are a few that hang on hope, just hoping away, things will stick. Will do the dang thing only to have dude bail out on a technicality…..technically we never said we were together, just kicking it.

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
10:02 am

do you ever wonder why folks you don’t talk to keep talking to you???

———————flatline————————

Already this morning…

:lol: @ disco…but isn’t that the weirdest thing? Talk about being a glutton for punishment…

Leggs

January 15th, 2014
10:02 am

“If you are not sure of someone’s motives, is it a good idea to inquire about intentions?” – Most definitely. Just like you immediately ask if someone is married or living with someone, you can have a conversation of what they’re looking in a relationship. Why go out on a couple dates thinking one thing and come to find out s/he’s just looking for someone to bide the time with. If you’re wanting a long-term relationship let it be known so no one’s time is wasted.

“What if you don’t like what they tell you?” – Grow up!

Good morning.

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:02 am

random – do you ever wonder why folks you don’t talk to keep talking to you???

Not on a blog…no :mrgreen:

In your world…yeah. At your home…yeah. At your desk….yeah. Across the aisle….

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:04 am

Really, should you assume one is talkng to you if they don’t address you? Maybe you’re misguided to assume so.

disco

January 15th, 2014
10:09 am

Sassy – i find myself standing there looking at folks who are talking to me and I’m just looking, not responding, and waiting for them to finish. I don’t engage and when a reply is absolutely required I keep it short. I mean “mm hmm”, “yep”, “I don’t know” short. If it wasn’t work…..

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
10:11 am

“What if you don’t like what they tell you?” – Grow up!

Okay?! Plain and simple…

random: mighty breezy…wonder where all this wind is coming from

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:12 am

I hope disco ain’t talking ’bout me, cause as usually, I always bypass her posts. Haven’t read any but the “folks talking to you” post. Now, I’ve commented off of someone else’s, but that was disco or was it? Hahahahaha

Sometime you wonder why folks let the devil catch a ride all the time.

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:15 am

correction: usual and wasn’t

SlimNu

January 15th, 2014
10:17 am

Hello my fine fellow friends….

what the fvck is wrong with wanting to be in a committed relationship? Like you’re a nut case for wanting to be exclusive with a man. I really hate that general sentiment. I will tell you straight up, Look, I’m not looking for fwb, nsa, one night stand, or anything that resembles any of the above mentioned situations

Yes – I’m with ya all the way on your earlier post. I’m not afraid to tell folks I’m not looking for any ’sex drive-by’s’ We date, see if we’re looking for the same things from the other and go from there.

2CPTG©

January 15th, 2014
10:18 am

here we go with the bullsh!t already…..

it was clear disco was referring to someone at work…..but as usual….someone and their conspiracy theories wanna make it all about them!!!!

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
10:19 am

disco

January 15th, 2014
10:19 am

C – I am two weeks into the year and I was really putting forth grand effort to ignore your posts as well but I just have to say that you jump too quick. Nothing I posted about had anything to do with you. not everything is about celisea. Not every post. Not every blogger’s thoughts. Not the way the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Are you really that anxious and uptight that you think everyone is out to get you. sometimes things have absolute nothing to do with you. now, if you don’t mind, we can go right back to ignoring one another except I’m sure you’ll have some kind of retort. Smdh.

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
10:19 am

disco…we’re <<<<<>>>>>, chica

disco

January 15th, 2014
10:20 am

2C – thank you. I was referring to two someone’s at work actually. Again, just smdh.

Sassy Me

January 15th, 2014
10:20 am

it was supposed to be >>>>>>>here<<<<<<<…

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:25 am

disco – All I did was spoke to a statement that you put on the blog. All the rest of that, ummmmm, okay and okie dokie, I guess :)

Celisea

January 15th, 2014
10:26 am

Speak speak speak…