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Keep the ex on back burner?

Some of us have exes who should never be spoken to again. You know, that one dreadful relationship that ended with protective orders and damaged property. It is clear that you two can’t be friends again! What about the one that got away? Or the one with whom you just had bad timing?

I was having dinner with a group of friends and one of them mentioned that he had an ex who he sort of keeps on the back burner. Even though he has a girlfriend, he thinks that keeping his ex as an option is just smart dating.

I was prepared to go full on men are no good rant mode until our friend Laura admitted to doing the exact same thing. She has a man but she likes to keep her ex as an option. She actually called it her “In case of emergency, break glass” kind of back up plan. So is this a thing now? Do we keep some exes around just in case?

Do you think using your ex as a safety net is a good way to conduct your current relationship? Isn’t it kind of self sabotaging?

When you end a relationship on a positive note (Read: they can still get it if you are available), do you think you should keep contact once your new thing heats up?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

217 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

January 14th, 2014
5:20 am

Good morning!

While I have no problem being friends with an ex, I don’t think keeping them on the back burner is healthy way of living for either of the parties involved. I’m very honest about any and all communications with exes. If my new significant other expresses concern or has a problem with it, I have no problem scaling back or stopping communication all together upon request

lee

January 14th, 2014
6:44 am

Well if you feel the need to keep someone on the side while you are in a relationship, to me that means you don’t feel that relationship is going to grow–has issues-ect, best just to be single until you find that One and only that you only think about and everyone else is a memory. Now if you are just dating i say get as many spare tires as you want…. haha

Good morning

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
7:26 am

Hey everyone,

How can you keep an ex on the back burner? They would have to be sitting around waiting on you instead of going on with their lives.

Coach

January 14th, 2014
7:55 am

Keeping your Ex around? Thats definitely not a good thing for your prospective interest. Unless you have children together why would they need to be around? LLS. People kill me dating, how you going to make way for something new always holding on to the past? I dont get it.
Its always the same ole story. Get back with ex, break up, stick around, date someone else while ex is lurking, new person gets blown for reasons trivial or not, ex comes back in story, wash, rinse and repeat………..
If a woman has her ex around for any reason other than kids than I know that she aint serious about me.

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
7:57 am

Coach if ex is on the back burner, you probably won’t know they are around.

Miss Moni

January 14th, 2014
8:48 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

Do you think using your ex as a safety net is a good way to conduct your current relationship? Absolutely NOT!!! I don’t believe that moving forward in your life includes using your ex as a safety net. Stop being afraid of meeting someone new and open yourself up to NEW people and NEW experiences.

Coach

January 14th, 2014
8:51 am

@single and happy

What is done in the dark will come to the light. At some point you will know, cause at the end of the day people want to be accepted for who they are. I wouldnt go “Dick Tracy” to find out tho. Ex’s around mean you aint gonna never get a fair shot. If that makes sense.

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
9:09 am

wouldn’t use the term “back burner,” but umm yeah, if we ended things on good terms, then of course I still have their number…….and occasionally we would still call one another to see how things were….can I still hit? maybe…..

YesSheIsCute

January 14th, 2014
9:15 am

Sidebar: If a woman tells another woman that they love the way they look half naked, should they have disclaimed that with “no homo”? Or can that go without saying?

Robert

January 14th, 2014
9:19 am

“do you think you should keep contact”

I can only speak for myself, but I always keep in contact with my ex-women. There is no such thing as an ex-woman. I do not care if she is engaged or married, she will always be “my girl”.

Some men like to keep ex-women hanging around for years (5,10,15, 20 years). After all we are “friends with benefits” (FWB). lol…

disco

January 14th, 2014
9:29 am

Good morning. Personally I don’t have a problem with someone being on the back burner. Makes perfect sense to me. Granted I understand why emotional reasoning doesn’t support it but practical reasoning certainly does. In life we often have all kinds of things set up for “just in case”. I’m sure each and every one of us has insurance and savings accounts and try to keep job skills transferrable all for “just in case”. Let state farm start selling relationship insurance. Lol.

disco

January 14th, 2014
9:31 am

Coach – so are you only threatened by an ex-love interest or also by male friends where there is no history of romantic involvement?

MsAtl

January 14th, 2014
9:37 am

Morning All!

I do not think it is a good idea to keep an ex on the back burner if you are in a relationship. Being friends with an ex and keeping an ex on the back burner are two different things. if you are keeping them on standby, then are you really giving your current relationship a fair chance?

YSIC- With women, the no homo is optional, lol.

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
9:48 am

An ex on back burner means you’ll eventually become FWBs. And FWBs is a win win for who? And what happens with pots on the back burner? They simmer. Mmm hmmm, nope, no can do. I mean, if things didn’t work out within the confines, no way I’m doing that. Move it along and move on.

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
9:49 am

MsAtl, so with men, it has to be said?

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
9:50 am

Is it possible to keep someone on the back burner without sex being involved?

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
9:51 am

I guess I can’t understand going from “things didn’t work out” and folks being unable to find a common ground for doing the dang thing……to being cool and just smashing. It happens though.

MsAtl

January 14th, 2014
9:54 am

Single- When was the last time a man said to you Yo man, that’s a great looking pair of jeans you have on?

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
9:56 am

MsAtl, they didn’t say that, but I’ve got a few complements on my weight loss from men and women, some of them coming at the gym with only a towel on. Didn’t think twice about it.

YesSheIsCute

January 14th, 2014
9:58 am

Single and Happy I can see it from both sides. But if you posted a pic of you in just boxers and a dude commented “I love the way you look half naked”, how would you feel about that?

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
10:02 am

yes, If I posted it for everyone to see, wouldn’t think twice about it. Just cause he like what he sees, it has nothing to do with me.

MsAtl

January 14th, 2014
10:03 am

Single- I am just acknowledging that men tend to be more sensitive about stuff like that. I will compliment a woman on her hair, clothing, etc. in a heartbeat. And if she has on a cute pair of shoes, hell, I want them!

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
10:09 am

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
10:19 am

glad you clarified that, disco…….I see what it is, now…..

you keeping my email addy on the back burner, huh?

kimmie

January 14th, 2014
10:22 am

Morning Gang!

2C – I saw what you posted after I left yesterday. Um hmm. Don’t hold back on the ratchetness on my account. Errbody here is grown and yall can post anythang yall want. I can choose to participate or not. We are all free! :lol:

On topic – I think alot of folks have done a version of this at some point in their lives, either with an ex or a good friend. People make agreements all the time like “hey if we both hit 35 single and childless, lets agree to get together and have a baby/get married.” Alot of folks have exes on the backburner unbeknowest to that ex. They think to themselves if things don’t work out with so&so, hopefully ex is still available and I’ll see if we can give it another go.

If you are keeping an ex around and stepping back occasionally while you are seeing someone else, that’s a different story. You are two-timing your current and you guys won’t be together long. When you meet someone that you think has a chance of being the one, exes fall by the wayside. If you’re still thinking “just in case”, they are not the one, bet on it. It’s over before it even began good.

Single and Happy

January 14th, 2014
10:26 am

Kimmie, I made that arrangement at age 50, well she turns 50 next year and reminded me of it, boy talking about some fast talking to get out of it (LOL) Told her since she had already been married, that negated that agreement (LOL)

YesSheIsCute

January 14th, 2014
10:30 am

Where’s DB?

kimmie

January 14th, 2014
10:37 am

Single – Oh yeah, any marriage or baby with someone else in the past and the agreement is null & void!LOL!!

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
10:50 am

Where’s DB?

Probably plucked and bbq’d…..lolololol

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
10:56 am

wouldn’t use the term “back burner,” but umm yeah, if we ended things on good terms, then of course I still have their number…….and occasionally we would still call one another to see how things were

After a couple of calls like this :arrow: , I blocked their number….lololol For me, something about a dude I’ve moved on from that still reaches out. It’s a turn off….for me.

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
10:56 am

Ooops, that was suppose to be an “up” arrow.

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
11:05 am

maybe it’s just me, but I don’t have bad breakups….shoot, even my ex-wife and I are still cool…..she can call me right now, and be like, lemme hold some’n, and if I got it, she can have it…..

MsAtl

January 14th, 2014
11:07 am

2C- That is good that y’all have a cordial relationship. I don’t like bad breakups, but you can’t control other people.

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
11:10 am

I think my only “bad” break-up, if that was with the kid’s dad. And that wasn’t bad, I was just ready to completely “rid” myself of him. He just kept coming back, getting beat off my ankles. But as far as how we interacted, it was all good. Shoot, most times if he was at my house, I could freely disrobe or take a bath with him sitting there. Of course….. never mind. Just know most times we could be cordial (unless we were talking child support…lol). This kind of thing remained though, cause we had a kid.

Other than that, no alleybat stuff. I’m just the kind of person, once I’ve moved on, I don’t really wanna keep talking and stuff. Move one, please.

disco

January 14th, 2014
11:12 am

2C – okay, we’ll make a pact. if it turns out that 2014 sucks big time and absolutely nothing pops off at all: the fatties, the momma’s boys, the ex-cons, the broke jokers and all the other less desirables all figure they can do better than me I will email you on December 31.

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
11:13 am

MsAtl, you’re right, you can’t control other folks……you can beat the sh!t out of ‘em, but you can’t control ‘em…..

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
11:14 am

December 31???? gal please……I’ll be boo’d up by then……and you’ll be done lost it;

disco

January 14th, 2014
11:18 am

2C – lol. I guess you have a by hook or by crook mentality for the year huh? Well you go on ahead with your bad self.

YesSheIsCute

January 14th, 2014
11:23 am

disco after reading your pact I am feeling like I made a pact with someone that I would marry them by 30 if I wasn’t married or with children thinking that I would be. I’m wondering who it was.

On yet another sidebar, I’m thinking of doing a day trip to Chicago with the kid this or next Saturday. Any tips on stuff to do in the city for the day?

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
11:24 am

disco, pretty much…..2014 is it….if it doesn’t happen by year’s end, I’m outta the dating pool……I’mma just smash and keep it moving.

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
11:29 am

Slim…..come out of hiding! it’s ok, the water’s fine…..

Button

January 14th, 2014
11:35 am

Keep the ex on back burner? no can do…when I put a pot on the back burner evetually it will burn!—esp if I don’t keep an eye on it, keep adding water.

More power to all of em that does this kind of thing. It’s not healthy, and you’re only playing yourself plus your emotionally tied up with the ex for no good reason other than “just in case”. Leave em lone and start off fresh. even if it was a good (amicable) break up, it’s best to keep it moving.

Good day!

Reio

January 14th, 2014
11:35 am

Morning all! had another Dr. appt. at the VA this morning.

Yall talkin bout stuff I know nothing about. Once the relationship is over, it’s over. You go your way, I’ll go mine. I don’t recall ending a relationship and we remained friends. As far as I was concerned, they never existed. Don’t get me wrong, most were actually “nice girls” as my sisters used to say. But we broke up (I dumped them) for various reasons, and saw no benefit to keeping in touch. I thought we had something, but we didn’t. It was over. So, I was done.

Leggs

January 14th, 2014
11:35 am

“…he thinks that keeping his ex as an option is just smart dating.” – Whoa, really. This is so not cool. How can one give their all to their present relationship knowing they have someone hidden in the closet. That’s what’s wrong with relationships today. Too many have side pieces waiting in the wing. Probably even start arguments just to have their own distorted reason to step out. I’m disgusted!

Let me read to see who agrees with this nonsense.

Good morning. I’m home sick, but not sick enough not to get on this addictive blog (lol).

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
11:37 am

you can beat the sh!t out of ‘em, but you can’t control ‘em…..

Violence is never the answer. Love not hate, peace not war!

Button

January 14th, 2014
11:42 am

Robert – I do not care if she is engaged or married, she will always be “my girl”. — blink blink

MsAtl – good point @ 9:37

Kimmie -10:22 agree

Celisea – 10:56 I feel ya on that one!

disco – lol @ making 2C wait that long!

Reio

January 14th, 2014
11:42 am

I suppose that I was kinda lucky, in that, most of the relationships were fairly short, so, there wasn’t much time to get too attached. Once I decided to pull the plug, emotions didn’t get in the way (most of the time). Although, there were a few that figured that THEY should be the one to end things, and did all they could to let me know this.

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
11:50 am

Button – Okaaay (10:56). I’m not even mad or anything, but too much doubling back, if notthing but to chat feels like he might want something. Nothing worse than a dude coming back (for whatever reason) and you’ve moved on….in every way. Shoot don’t even text me. Let’s just let the amicable split remains as such and ghost away.

Celisea

January 14th, 2014
11:50 am

remain not remains

2CPTG©

January 14th, 2014
11:51 am

violence is as american as apple pie….so sayeth Malcolm X

Buttton – disco play too much…..she’s the kinda gal, that makes a dude wait forever to hit, and when he thinks it’s about to pop off, he pops a blue pill, and beat the brakes offa her ass!