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Dating: Does being nice still work?

The dating scene can get confusing at times. Between mixed messages and crazy rules, it’s a wonder that we make it progress to a relationship. One of the complaints I hear is that when you try to be nice and respectful, you get walked all over. Show a detached attitude or be nonchalant, then you spark their attention more.

So is there really such a thing as being too nice? If you show genuine effort and kindness, do you think people take you for granted?

I believe it has more to do with picking the wrong people to pursue, but how can you tell if they are the type to get turned off by “nice” or kind?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

167 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

January 13th, 2014
5:06 am

There is a such thing as being too nice and I had this discussion last night actually LOL. I think people take you for granted when you are nice and kind even though they really should be cherishing it because there aren’t very many considerate or kind people around. There are a lot of men and women out here that feel that all is fair and love and war (read: at anyone else’s expense). You can never tell if they are getting turned off by you being too nice or too kind unless they come out and say so. Otherwise you are just effing yourself in your own head by jumping to that conclusion on your own.

lee

January 13th, 2014
6:46 am

So is there really such a thing as being too nice? If you show genuine effort and kindness, do you think people take you for granted? Yes i believe they will try to take you for granted, I believe since you are kind they take that for weakness this is of course a mistake, how you act is a choice in my opinion it is easier to be kind than hateful it doesn’t mean that i can not act that way it just better for the soul

How did monday happen again? The weekend goes by too fast, this needs to stop!

Exiled!

January 13th, 2014
8:01 am

If you are Not Nice,what is the alternative?

ABW?

No wonder you are making this a topic?

Exiled!

January 13th, 2014
8:02 am

Good morning gents!
Good morning Nice blog ladies!

:lol:

abc

January 13th, 2014
8:06 am

I think you’re referring to what people used to call “playing hard to get”. If women do that, most guys will pursue harder, so it’s valid. Men should avoid playing hard to get, it’s a wuss move. Guys should just be themselves — if you’re nice, be nice. If you’re not, that’ll be self evident too, and plenty of takers for bad behavior, odd as that may seem.

Button

January 13th, 2014
8:18 am

Nice ppl shoudn’t be chastised, it’s the rude ppl who should be!

One of the complaints I hear is that when you try to be nice and respectful, you get walked all over. Nice and naive is two different things. naive ppl tend to be easy to get over/get something out of without little to no work at all . Whereas being nice you are easy, kind, not making much fuss again can easily get something out of without little to no work. Either way nice or naive you can/will be taken advantage of. imo
Good morning!

MsAtl

January 13th, 2014
8:39 am

Morning All!

Yes, I believe there is a such thing as being too nice. Should there be? No. I have had several folks try to take my kindness for weakness, to their detriment. I have been told that I am too nice on numerous occasions and it ticks me off that you have to nut up for some folks to take you seriously. I should not have to act like a gutter rat to get results.
The most extreme examples were- my ex trying to take advantage since I was trying to have a non-nasty divorce; and opposing counsel in a case mistaking me for someone who would not put him in his place.

Headed to court.
Durty- I want the run down when I return later this afternoon.

2CPTG©

January 13th, 2014
9:22 am

I’m an A$$hole…….and them gals love it!

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
9:49 am

“I think people take you for granted when you are nice and kind even though they really should be cherishing it because there aren’t very many considerate or kind people around.” – I wholeheartedly agree. Too many people trying to scratch their way to the top while stomping on your neck keeping you down. People need to be more considerate and helpful.

In terms of dating, from my observations, those women who make scenes, keys cars, throw eggs at houses, are paid more attention. I even had one knucklehead tell me I was skipped over because the other woman showed that she cared by those exact things. Go figure!!!

Good, good morning!

YesSheIsCute

January 13th, 2014
9:55 am

@Leggs I hate to say this but I agree with you, it seems like the guys who say they don’t like drama upfront seem to love it. I don’t have time for keying cars (vandalism), driving across town for drive bys (stalking), engaging in altercations (assault), and other illegal activities to prove my love. I mean if you need a wildcat, I can give you a wildcat. But drama is not my thing.

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
10:05 am

2C ~ you over your drought? Did the weekend pan out the way you thought it would?

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
10:14 am

I even had one knucklehead tell me I was skipped over because the other woman showed that she cared by those exact things.

Leggs – Had a dude same the same stupid ish to me once. His ex found out he was dating me and came over to his place showing out. He said it showed him she really must care for him if she would go to such lengths so he was going back to her. I was my Miss Cool self and bid him good riddance! They really deserved each other.

Yes/Leggs – There are a great deal of dudes out there that get off on women that clown like that, though they won’t admit it. Even if it’s just for the sex, a lot get caught up in that. Some are stupid, and next thing you know they got a crazy baby on the way. Some people really do thrive on drama, wouldn’t know how to function without it. There is a market for it, and those women and men get attention.

I believe it has more to do with picking the wrong people to pursue, – I believe this too, Wise. I also see it as a sign of immaturity that you would discount someone just because they don’t want to keep up ish. That’s right along with wanting a “bad” boy/girl. Grow up.

I will say sometimes people describe a person as “too nice” when there are better terms out there to describe someone that is a pushover, naive to the point of being slow, dull and complacent, allows people to take advantage and walk over them, you all get the picture. Those things are not what I would call “nice”. At the same time, you can function and even get ahead in this world with a more even keeled attitude. Be fair and respectful, but firm and confident and sure.

2CPTG©

January 13th, 2014
10:15 am

2C ~ you over your drought?

bwoi, looka here!!!!! remind me later ’bout that…..

but umm, how many of y’all ladies equate being nice to being a chump!

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
10:23 am

2C ~ :lol: :lol:

I don’t think if you’re nice that means you’re a chump. You’re a chump if you let people walk over you, not speak up for yourself, always getting the short end of the stick because you don’t necessarily want to make waves or upset someone. When you don’t stand up for what you want or need and constantly put another’s feelings above your own simply to keep peace, you’re a chump. Sometimes it comes off as being desperate to let another walk over you just so you’ll have someone in your life. A little of something is better than a whole lot of nothing. That’s a chump’s mentality.

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
10:36 am

Leggs/2C – I like Leggs description of a chump but I have something to add.

Please, if you are a chump, a pushover, just OWN IT! Don’t exibit chump-like behavior and then when you end up with your first class ticket to LOSERVILLE, once again, start blaming it on everyone else!! Start up with this “women don’t want a nice guy” mess. Or start being cheap and mean to every woman you meet since you let the last few women you dated take you to the cleaners!

2CPTG©

January 13th, 2014
10:49 am

kimmie….well, that’s one thing I can’t own…..chumpness….speaking of which, I’ve taken Slim’s “new me” attitude to a whole nutha level so far this year….

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
10:54 am

Good addition, kimmie…own it and stop making excuses.

2CPTG©

January 13th, 2014
10:56 am

what dude gon’ admit he’s a chump? really. that’s an assessment someone else will have to make for him….

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
10:58 am

2C – Good. My thing is, don’t try to blame other people for your own poor behavior and bad decisions. They are yours, I don’t want them!

Hey, as long as your New 2C attitude is working for ya, it’s all good!

I don’t really like new years resolutions, but my new thing this year is to clean house, literally and otherwise. Get rid of all the junk I’m not using anymore. Not necessarily live with less, but live with what I already have and not pile more on top of that I don’t use. I’m feeling better already!

Celisea

January 13th, 2014
11:00 am

what dude gon’ admit he’s a chump? really. that’s an assessment someone else will have to make for him….

is akin to asking

2CPTG©
January 10th, 2014
11:38 am
any admittedly ugly folks in here?

Button

January 13th, 2014
11:00 am

Some guys are wired into thinking that if she act a fool over me she must really love me, while some women think that if he hit me then he must really love me.

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
11:03 am

2C – Nobody is going to go around telling everyone they are a chump or ugly or whatever. But you can’t lie to yourself. Sometimes it takes a good long hard look inward and in the mirror to make a change. Because really if you are getting the results you want out of life, who cares what someone else’s assessment is? If you are not getting the relationships you want or the jobs or other goals you want, the world is giving you that assessment already!

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
11:04 am

Cel – :lol: Wow you read my mind!!

2CPTG©

January 13th, 2014
11:10 am

kimmie, I knew that when I posted it…..same thing….it was a facetious/rhetorical question.

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
11:14 am

Button ~ I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a woman say that. That’s when you know her brain needs re-wiring. I wish a man would show me he loved me by hitting me. That would be the last hit he brings my way!

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
11:15 am

Button – Hitting, stalking, crazy jealous, super needy = all the definition of love to some people!

Button

January 13th, 2014
11:18 am

Leggs/kimmie – sad but so true.

Single & Happy

January 13th, 2014
11:22 am

Hey everyone

Mr Nice guy, here I am :-D get taking for granted, sure! Chump, hell naw, Have no problem saying, no, and meaning no.

YesSheIsCute

January 13th, 2014
11:23 am

@kimmie that’s really sad. I think those are called co-dependencies.

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
11:36 am

Leggs – I have to be very honest. I have never come in contact with a woman that actually said that. I have known some that have been in abusive relationships, but none have actually said that a man hitting her was a show of love. I’ve read about it and seen women on tv admit to it though.

DuShawn

January 13th, 2014
11:42 am

“-while some women think that if he hit me then he must really love me.-“
I had one like that once when I was young man. I am a firm believer in the protection of woman, but this dayum girl would almost force me to put my hands on her. She would do stupid stuff like hide my keys so I couldn’t leave. One day I lost my temper and gave her the pimp hand to the mouth. She cried and then wanted to have sex. I’m like, this chick is dysfunctional. I left her alone after that. Ironically, a potnah of mine ended up marrying her years later. He was known for whuppin females. They are still together today.

“-constantly put another’s feelings above your own simply to keep peace, you’re a chump-“
I thought that was the definition of selflessness. I do that every day to keep my marriage together. I guess Imma chump azz husband.

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
12:02 pm

Du – I would say folks like that girl & your potnah deserve each other. But what’s sad is when they bring kids into the mix. What kind of example is that for a kid? They will grow up to be messed up adults!

Celisea

January 13th, 2014
12:10 pm

2can – I just thought it was ironic that you asked in one place, but for the same type question, you answered that it’s not a question to be answered by the individual. Just didn’t get how you didn’t see one (by asking), but could see the other (by refuting…sort of).

Kimmie – I read your mind…lol

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
12:11 pm

kimmie ~ I’ve only heard one woman say that to me, but when I said I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, meant what I’ve seen on TV. I watch a lot of Snapped and ID and other true crime dramas.

DuShawn ~ I disagree. I’m talking about single men who constantly put their feelings on the side to appease another. While married, that’s part of the plan. Both parties put their feelings aside to appease the other (lol). While single, no reason to “constantly” do that….yousa chump! Not YOU, but them.

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
12:22 pm

Leggs – I don’t what my response would be to a woman if she said that to me or in my presence. It’s just horrible on so many levels!

Also, to be honest I do know more women “appeasers” than men. Alot have almost been conditioned to think their feelings don’t matter. That’s why some stay in dead-end relationships so long. Where as a lot of single men seem to be a bit more selfish and will dump one at the drop of a hat, never ever appeasing, even sometimes. Just my observation though. Guess I don’t know many chumps either!

disco

January 13th, 2014
12:27 pm

Hey y’all. Too nice? Shame on them. I’ve never ever been accused of being too nice. Too mean I hear all the time. Too nice? Never. In my own words I’ll say I’m usually just nice enough. Nothing more, nothing less. Have I run into folks that are too nice? Yep and I think it’s a detriment. They aren’t nice and feeling good like they are making the world a better place. Usually they are nice and holding all of their anger, bitterness and resentment in because folks are taking advantage of all that “too nice”. They better recognize.

kimmie

January 13th, 2014
12:28 pm

Celisea

January 13th, 2014
12:41 pm

If you are not getting the relationships you want or the jobs or other goals you want the world is giving you that assessment already!, then pray about it :mrgreen:

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
12:42 pm

kimmie ~ may not have been what she wanted to hear but I told she was an idiot to believe that. Then I got softer with my approach and told her love feels good, love doesn’t hurt and with love there’s always respect. What he’s showing you is he doesn’t value you and he knows he has physical control over you. Of course, she’s nodding her head yeah, yeah sniffling, but I knew she would go back so I had to cut my words short because I knew they were falling on deaf ears.

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
12:45 pm

Hi disco. I’m mean, nice, sweet. A lot of people, esp here at work, sees me as a mean, straight shooter that speaks her mind all the times. Man, if they only knew…

Exiled!

January 13th, 2014
12:45 pm

pimp hand to the mouf…

The black fo lingo is off da chain.

I wld never have said it like that!

:lol: hilarious!

Exiled!

January 13th, 2014
12:47 pm

DuShawn,are your stories really true!

:lol: hilarious!

disco

January 13th, 2014
12:49 pm

leggs – the contradiction there is that we “beat” our kids because we love them. Well some folks do. Others do the exact opposite and don’t beat them. Oh well. Guess we are back to the theory of relativity.

leggs – I generally encourage chicks to stay in abusive relationships. My logic is no point in putting that buster back out in the dating pool and they are likely to leave one batterer for another anyway.

DuShawn

January 13th, 2014
12:53 pm

I was always real good at pretending to be a nice guy(unitl I got that azz or my patience ran out.)

DuShawn

January 13th, 2014
12:59 pm

Ex – Why lie? I don’t even embellish. A lot of the real wild stuff I don’t share because if you weren’t there, you would never believe it. Even my moniker is truthful.

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
1:02 pm

disco ~ I would encourage it, but it’s a decision I learned early on they had to make on their own. I already have one friend I told you guys about that basically doesn’t talk to me anymore because she came over needing a sounding board which I didn’t know. I gave her my thoughts and why he’s doing what he’s doing to her. She told me the next morning that she left my house feeling like a complete fool. Well, if the shoe fits….she’s still with him. She no longer shares anything with me and I’m fine with that. I don’t need the negativity. So, I don’t encourage, I just don’t say too much anymore.

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
1:03 pm

Meant, I WOULDN’T encourage it…

Button

January 13th, 2014
1:19 pm

disco – not sure if you have a daighter or not, but if you do would you encourage her to stay in an abusive relationship?
I would never advise anyone to stay in an unhealthy abusive relationship, god forbid that person should stay on the count of me encouraging him/her and they lose their life.

Leggs

January 13th, 2014
1:26 pm

2C ~ you ready to share your weekend exploits?

Celisea

January 13th, 2014
1:43 pm

the contradiction there is that we “beat” our kids because we love them.

There’s a vast difference in chastising a child as a result of disobedience or hardheadedness, for sending the message that disobediance will not be tolerated…under you nor in the real world versus beating the brakes off a woman, cause you’re an abuser. Folks that do this forget that it ain’t your job to “re-raise” or raise another adult. Plus, God gives permission, naw demands that you take the rod to your child, as he states “mischievousness is bound in the heart of a child, take the rod and drive it out of him.” Never once did he say abuse. Other means for discipline is not bad, but a whipping every now and then will not kill the child. Now, who gon check the Almighty?