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Do you ever think of payback?

Sometimes relationships end badly and you just have a hard time getting past your negative feelings. I know many people say that the best revenge is living a great life, but do you ever think about handing out a little retribution?

It is not the most mature way of handling things but I do want to know if it actually helps you “feel” better so you can move on. Can payback be worth it?

I am not talking about crazy schemes that would be a misdemeanor charge in Gwinnett county! Perhaps something juvenile and silly.

Have you ever regretted dating someone because it ended so badly? Do you ever think about giving them a little taste of their own medicine?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

266 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
5:33 am

Who hasn’t regretted dating someone because it ended badly? There have been times where I wanted to do something crazy such as vandalism or libel however in the end it’s not worth it because it degenerates you as a person when you seek to such tactics.

Further, you can’t manipulate people’s feelings by trying to give people a taste of their own medicine or your own personal version of torture. Just because it felt bad for you, you shouldn’t wish it to feel bad for them (although this is usually our first instinct). A person is going to feel and do as they wish. You can’t make anyone feel bad for anything they’ve done for you or make them feel bad just because. Mend your wounds, heal and move on. Hurting someone else isn’t going to help you heal any faster. Literally and metaphorically speaking.

lee

January 9th, 2014
7:11 am

When i was a younger gal oh ya , i tried to get some back, ripped all the clothes and broke all his model cars all kinds of crazy stuff, it did not get me anywhere and in the end no i didn’t feel good about it or myself. Best thing to do is to walk away, no hateful words, no action other than you walking away wishing them a life of happiness !!!!!!

czBrat

January 9th, 2014
7:54 am

way too chicken for payback. i have a deathly fear of bad karma.
marriage ended badly. i wished him well (and meant it) because i felt it was the only way to make sure i could move on w/o anger issues.

can’t say I’ve ever regretted dating someone, but i do recognize that i stayed in a couple of relationships longer than i should have. c’est la vie.
i’m glad i saw them through to MY end. that’s probably why i have no regrets.

but i’m that “good” girl who cheers for the chicks bold enough to put sugar in gas tanks and start wardrobe bonfires! ahhh, lee, wish I’d known ya when … :lol:

morning, all!

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
8:05 am

What is a typical ‘ended badly’ situation for a gal anyway?

I suspect for most chics,being dumped by a dude she loved dearly is ‘ending badly’. Which is a myopic view of dating and love!

Like DuShawn observed yesterday,a date does not necessarily have to result in marriage. Neither should a relationship necessarily result in marriage. The moment you date,have a relationship and then mentally build ‘castles(marriage) in the air’ and the relationship breaks down,for whatever reason,you are going to think it’s a ‘bad ending!’. Which is sad.

I never ended mine ‘badly’. I just moved on nicely,thank you.

But then,maybe the other parties looked at it differently because they build their castles(marriages) in the air!

Howdee MIA and geeeeeed meeeeerning!

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
8:21 am

@Exiled Against my better judgment I’m going to address what you are saying. A bad ending has nothing to do with building castles in the air. The last relationship I was in, I didn’t have intentions of marriage. I broke up with him but it still ended badly. It has nothing to do with castles in the air. Men need to stop assuming that all women want a relationship that ends in marriage or even a relationship at all. To be honest I haven’t met any men that are marriage material. Don’t get me wrong if I like your company I like your company but it don’t take me all day to realize when I’m at the special olympics. I know what this is I just hope that you know what this is and you don’t flatter yourself by thinking marriage is what I’m seeking. Just like guys do (date someone even though they know it’s not going anywhere), women do the same. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. And when you are dealing with men who can’t handle rejection and/or are immature (a vast majority) then it can end badly. Men like to act like they don’t have feelings (and some are humanoid) and women are expendable, but a lot of times they are just emotionally retarded just don’t know how to express them. Women are just as capable of passing the time away with a throwback until they feel they are bored and on to the next.

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
8:22 am

Not to say that my ex was a throw back. We just weren’t compatible. But I have done the whole I like you but I want no kids from you and don’t want to get married but this is fun for right now. Who hasn’t?

Button

January 9th, 2014
8:25 am

I don’t have much to say about payback, only had one relationship to end badly and even though thoughts ran across my mind of things I wanted to do to him, it never came to be. I kept it a safe place, in my head. Payback is really not left up to me,

Good morning!

Button

January 9th, 2014
8:30 am

Exiled – aren’t you married! if so, there was one lady that you build the castle in the sky with. ijs

You font as if it’s wrong for a woman heck anybody to want marriage. For a married man you sure do font anti-marriage.

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
8:44 am

@Yes..but u did not give me an example of a relationship that ended badly for You to warrant payback..never mind the long post. Waiting!

@Button..,I am married!

I did not build castles for anybody! I dated,had relationships and my stance is/was,if it ain’t working for Me,I moved on or if the excitement was not there anymore,I moved on.

Shouldn’t the other party view it the same way…since this is a re..lationship?

Would you,Button,want to be in a relationship if the other party(guy) does not want to be in it anymore? If your answer is No,why wld you want to inflict harm or ‘revenge’,if any and why.

I wld love to hear the woman’s viewpoint?

Kat

January 9th, 2014
8:49 am

I’d rather be thought of as “the one that got away” rather than “the crazy one who they wanted to send away.”

czBrat

January 9th, 2014
8:50 am

What is a typical ‘ended badly’ situation for a gal anyway?
um. hubs was siring young’uns all up and down the eastern seaboard. that was “bad” for our marriage. the end.

Payback is really not left up to me,
exactly. and since i’ll surely be facing my share of judgment as it is … no need to fuel the he!! fire.

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
8:56 am

As a rejoinder @Button…yes,I have always wanted marriage,longterm. But in my mind,I thought that wld be an end product resulting from meeting the ‘right’ gal. If I dated or had a relationship with a chic but she wasn’t the right one,I enjoyed the relationship for what it was or became.

And ended it on my terms or she ended it.
No need for revenge because my longterm objective was not achieved. Nah.

Celisea

January 9th, 2014
8:58 am

Payback is for crybabies and wussies. I know women do it, but a dude doing payback can’t sink no lower. Really? Really now? Small, medium or large manties??? Move the heck on!!! That chick ain’t thanking (not thinking) ’bout you. Talk about wussification in America. That’s akin too, to a dude rowing rocks and hiding his hands. Move on boo, she wasn’t feeling you! Ain’t happening capt’n…hahahaha There’s another love or lover out there for you, I’m sure. Maybe??

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
8:59 am

Exiled reading is fundamental. I answered WD’s question. I addressed your trolling response. I’m not sure what you’re waiting for.

Celisea

January 9th, 2014
9:00 am

And not since the kid’s dad have I dabbled in such. I was a firecracker though, when I was with him! Half the time, his mouth was left hanging open….lolololol But, I grew up and quit doing that kind of thing. Changed my entire way of thinking. Also, I’m not gon be caught or position where Imma be on the bottom of anything. So, nope there’s not been a need to “get back at someone” for yeeeears now.

Y’all be fabulous….I’ll BB a bit later.

Button

January 9th, 2014
9:02 am

Exiled – I’ve never inflicted harm on any man bc of a failed relationship/date. Yes, it crossed my mind with one but that was when I was a teenager. He cheated (caught him with another girl) and I was mad, steaming mad-boiling, and yes it ended badly bc he did the usual “it wasn’t me” lol A lesson learned from my older Sis to never let a man see you sweat or cry over him.
I’ve never had a guy not want to be in a relationship with me anymore so I can’t answer that question but I can say this , I did had a few who wanted me and another at the same time so I stepped away.

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
9:05 am

@Yes…no need for the juvenile antics…I responded to your response to Me,not Diva.

How have I become a troll and u are the legitimate blogger instead?

If are not up for debate then don’t address me..

Simple
I will excuse that antic to early morning pre coffee sickness! :lol:

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
9:07 am

If u are

@Yes

Leggs

January 9th, 2014
9:08 am

I have definitely “thought” of payback, but never executed any of the plots in my mind. Living the best life I can is what I keep front and center. Why would I give another the satisfaction of showing I’m over here wallowing over what we had. Naw, that simply means I’ve relinquished control of my emotions over to him. That’s a No No for me. Like the rearview mirror in my car, you are now in my past and I’m driving forward hopefully looking ahead to a brighter future.

Good morning!

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
9:08 am

Button,fair enough

Button

January 9th, 2014
9:09 am

Exiled – :wink: at your last post. I know somewhere deep down you are human LOL

Button

January 9th, 2014
9:14 am

Having a thought of revenge is normal imo, who don’t think of something bad to happen to a person when they do you wrong? if even it’s “he/she’ll never be nothing blah blah blah” That’s a form of revenge bc you’re wishing bad for that person imo. Carrying those thoughts out is a lil cray cray.

MsAtl

January 9th, 2014
9:15 am

Morning All!

When my marriage ended (badly), I tried to keep it cordial because we had kids. With my ex, that was impossible because even though he was wrong, he was arrogant and once I refused to take him back, things got ugly, with him moving around the corner from me and flaunting his mistress in my face. Did I want to put him in his place? Of course! There were PLENTY of things I could have done to get back at him (all legal). And I could have publicly embarrassed the hell out of him, especially when there were two reporters calling me to get the story. However, that type of drama has never been my bag. Instead, I kept it moving. Knowing what he lost was sufficient for me.

YSIC- “it don’t take me all day to realize when I’m at the special olympics.” This cracked me up!!!

Reio

January 9th, 2014
9:23 am

Morning all!

Never been into revenge. I have no experience from the male perspective. Simply because I’ve never been dumped. Never saw myself as being better than any other men. It’s just that I ended the relationships before they got around to it. I suspect that some of them were thinking about ending things. Hell, some of them may have had plans to give me the boot. But I beat them to the punch.
Sometimes, how you end it, can go a long way towards resulting in a smooth transition. One thing I do recall, though, is that, in every case, they were told things, by me, to let them know that I did not like things. So, once I did slam the door, they didn’t have to wonder why. Although they all seemed to want to know why. To that question, I just went over the conversations we had previously. They didn’t take heed, so they got the boot.

Also, I can recall my telling each of them to let me know about the things about me that bothered them, hoping that they would, thereby giving me a chance to address them. And, within reason and logic, change. But I was never afforded that opportunity. “Oh, I don’t really have any complaints.”, or “If I have a problem with something, I’ll let you know.”, or, “Let’s just see how things go, nobody’s perfect.”, or “I don’t believe in judging people, we’ll just adapt to one another….” That’s what I would hear. I truly wanted to know then, versus some time down the road when she would explode after putting up with stuff from me for a while and finally couldn’t take it anymore. They were doing me a disservice, I thought.

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
9:32 am

Also, I’m not gon be caught or position where Imma be on the bottom of anything.

…. :lol:

I’m gon address that issue/statement at 2:1516 pm! :lol:

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
9:34 am

Exiled my behavior isn’t juvenile. I cordially addressed your post, not for you, but for any man who may read this bullish about “castles being built in the sky” and actually believe every woman wants it. Ain’t nobody building castles in the sky.

kimmie

January 9th, 2014
9:36 am

Good morning All!!

Brat – You are my sister from another mother! Everything you said in your 7:54 fits me to a T!

I have never wanted to give a dude the satisfaction of thinking he meant that much to me if he did me dirty. No getting back, crying in front of him, none of that. I become an iceberg. The best “get back” I ever did was not agree to be friends with one guy that hurt me bad & cheated on me. He always prided himself on remaining friends with all his exes. Until I came along. :wink: What he didn’t realize was when I’m done I’m done. Dude might as well have fallen off the face of the earth as far as I was concerned.

Don’t wish bad on any of them. Don’t wish anything at all.

All that hurt seems so long ago now. And that’s a great thing! I’m living well and happy, that’s the best!

2CPTG©

January 9th, 2014
9:49 am

As the late great Tupac said, “revenge is the sweetest joy next to gettin p…y”……

for a dude to exact revenge on a female is a chump move…ain’ sayin he can’t “think about it,” but to actually carry it out….no bueno…..but y’all ladies get kudos for slashing tires, and busting windshields…

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
9:51 am

Yes..me thinks it’s a case of a hit and pained dog hollering because like u said,reading is fundamental.
My post Never said Every woman does this castle building. I hinted that it may…happen..

not it does happen.

Hit dog?

MsAtl

January 9th, 2014
9:55 am

Kimmie- That is how I see it; when I am done, I am done. My ex had the nerve to email me saying he wanted me to get to know his girls, that they were my stepdaughters. My response? Step kids are children you bring into a marriage, not ones you make during a marriage. The girls are nothing to me and I have no need or desire to get to know them. They are my children’s siblings only. That is only a way to maintain a connection, which I do not need or want; I have moved on and am appropriately done.

The last man I dated wanted to remain friends and I was open to that (we had not parted on bad terms) until he lied to me. I have told him I am done and asked that he not contact me again.

Leggs

January 9th, 2014
9:57 am

MsAtl ~ that takes some balls!

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
9:57 am

No I was just especially provoked by the assumption that women build castles in the sky ergo it ended badly. It’s cool I fell for the trap this time. Going back to the regularly scheduled program of ignoring the trolling.

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
9:58 am

Hi Leggs! How are you doing and how have you been?

Reio

January 9th, 2014
10:03 am

I learned, from my sisters, they were a bit older and more experienced, that women, well, SOME women, are quite reluctant to come right out and offer criticism or point out problem areas in a relationship, for fear that it will be taken the wrong way, or that a man will leave them based solely on those criticisms alone. Even when asked, many women will just brush it off and try and change the subject, especially if she is into you and would rather not rock the boat. Even in relationships that have lasted for a while, and she is comfortable about the relationship’s future, some women are still very reluctant to really come right out and say things that they perceive will be taken the wrong way.
“A guy can dump a woman Monday night, and move on to another one Tuesday morning.” Is what they used to tell me. “For us gals, it’s not that easy. Emotionally and literally.”

“Emotionally, because we tend to feel things more internally than you guys. And, literally, because a guy can leave a good woman, and physically approach another one the next day, and have her think that maybe this is a good fella. While if a woman approached a man, the first thing he will think is; ’Hey I got one that wants to get busy’, when in reality, all she really wants is something real and genuine in the form of a relationship.” That’s what they told me, in so many words, years and years ago. I never forgot it. From reading many of your posts so far this morning, and reflecting on previous posts from each of you, I don’t suspect that any of the gals on hear are of the type that my sisters spoke of, however. Which I think is a good thing. Hell, speak up. You’re in this relationship too. You matter. Your feelings matter as well. Things may not work out, for whatever reason, but at least he knows where you stand.

I knew I had problems and shortcomings, but I couldn’t, for the life of me, get them to open up and say what was on their minds, even when asked.

Durty Burd

January 9th, 2014
10:04 am

Good Morning Folks!

Hello GlammourGirl have you recovered from FSU national championship yet? :wink:

Sometimes pain is not merely a sign of injury or disease but of healing and correction, growth and gain. A person’s character cannot be corrected without experiencing pain. No pain, no gain! Feel the pain, keep growing in spite of it! “

kimmie

January 9th, 2014
10:05 am

MsAtl – See that’s some mess. SMH

Leggs

January 9th, 2014
10:08 am

Yes ~ I’m real good over here. Won $80 on Cash 3 last night, have heat in my home, food in fridge, likka under the sink and now eating breakfast. I’m good (lol). Only hit 2 #s on Mega, so I have some work to do. Hope you are well too!

Mrs. SexyCool

January 9th, 2014
10:08 am

kimmie – Shthead was one of those that bragged that he was friends with *all* of of his exes. Pssh…p!ss on all that. Even today, because my number has not changed in ever, I will get the occasional holiday text message from him. #BtchBooBye with all that.

H#ll, I don’t even know where half my exes are, much less trying to be friends with them.

The way I see it – you only have so much room to carry friendships in your life because friendships (those not in name only) require energy. And I don’t have an infinite source of energy to be spending on someone who I experienced a failed romance with. So…while I will be friendLY should I encounter an ex, I have little interest in an active friendSHIP. We can *call* it friends. We don’t have to actually *be* friends.

As to the revenge of it all, I have had thoughts of wanting someone to hurt as much as they had hurt me, but I did not have the heart to act on it. I just leave all that up to the Universe.

DuShawn

January 9th, 2014
10:09 am

I have never had a relationship that ended badly (well, other than the time the chick threw eggs at my car and her friends tried to jump me). They may have felt some kinda way about it, but I was always straight. No need for revenge. One thing I have learned over the years is that a proper and respectful dismissal goes a long way.

Mrs. SexyCool

January 9th, 2014
10:10 am

czBrat

January 9th, 2014
10:14 am

Simply because I’ve never been dumped
reio, that was my initial thought too, but an earlier post made an excellent point; just cuz you did the walking doesn’t mean it ended well.

lol @ kimmie. there we go again.

MsAtl

January 9th, 2014
10:16 am

DuShawn- “a proper and respectful dismissal goes a long way.” Now that is some mature thinking right there!

Leggs- You stay winning! Keep it up!

Kimmie- It was just a way for him to stay connected because (1) He still can’t believe I left him, (2) He is arrogant and thinks it bothers me to see them together. I still laugh at the email I got in October saying “you threw me out of the house.” Really? Dude, it’s been three years!

Exiled

January 9th, 2014
10:17 am

kimmie

January 9th, 2014
10:19 am

Hell, speak up. You’re in this relationship too. You matter. Your feelings matter as well. Things may not work out, for whatever reason, but at least he knows where you stand

Reio – For some women it takes growth to get to that point. I say some. It takes strength to speak up. A lot of times, even when a woman has perfect right to speak up about something, it’s thrown back up in her face as she is “nagging”. We talk too much, dudes wish we would shut up. That does a number on some women. I was raised to, respectfully, speak my mind about things. My first serious boyfriend messed with my head for a minute. I pointed out something I didn’t like that he was doing, respectfully, and he told me I had an attitude.

After that relationship ended, I got my backbone back. I went back to speaking up, let the chips fall where they may.

Durty Burd

January 9th, 2014
10:23 am

I’ve had some bad break-ups, but after time has passed everyone realized it was a waste of time to invest in being mad at that person on a regular basis. Those that I serious dated we may talked, email each other every so often, those who lasted less than one year there will be no contact at all.

YesSheIsCute

January 9th, 2014
10:24 am

@Leggs I just found out I won a gift card from work so I’m just trying to get like you! I’m for real now. What numbers are you feeling today? :)

Reio

January 9th, 2014
10:24 am

czBrat – Yes, I see your point. Had a few that didn’t end as well as I would have liked, but that was on them, not me. I guess these women didn’t believe me when I said “Just tell me. I won’t get mad. I want to know.” So, I continued, knowing damn well I was no angel. Certainly not any better than they were, but, forthcoming?, they were not.

kimmie

January 9th, 2014
10:26 am

you only have so much room to carry friendships in your life because friendships (those not in name only) require energy. And I don’t have an infinite source of energy to be spending on someone who I experienced a failed romance with. So…while I will be friendLY should I encounter an ex, I have little interest in an active friendSHIP. We can *call* it friends. We don’t have to actually *be* friends.

SCool – Amen to that!! I wish I could have expressed those thoughts all of these years whenever someone criticized my policy of not wanting to be friends with an ex! Dang, I’d really like to devote my energy to the friendships I already made over the years, those that have proven the test of time.

Durty Burd

January 9th, 2014
10:26 am

MsAtl….There will no more talk of rigidity in this camp. You might want to express that to the ex your rigidity was not up to speed.

Exiled!

January 9th, 2014
10:26 am