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Get under another rule

You know that saying, “The only way to give over someone is to get under another someone” has always bothered me. Well, until I found myself faced with wanting to check out of heartbreak hotel. In retrospect, I am not fully convinced that this is a suitable strategy.

Is using sex as a distraction from your ex ever a good idea? Do you tell the person that you are using them as a virtual palate cleanser?

I remember hearing a guy tell his friends that he stopped using that get under another rule when he ended up in a rebound relationship that he never really wanted. He felt guilt over using her so he stuck around too long and she started to catch feelings for him. All the while, he hadn’t completely got over the previous girlfriend. What a mess! Has this ever happened to you?

Happy New Year!!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

189 comments Add your comment

lee

January 2nd, 2014
6:56 am

Happy New Year!!! May everyone have wealth, health, love, and happiness.. in this new year.

People need to do what is right for them, nothing wrong with a little sex everyone needs some kind of loving touch but when you have truly loved someone the only thing that is going to work is time. Start doing things you love to do and do a lot of it, as time goes by you will think less of that person and move on to a healthy state of mind and ready for that next adventure into love…
Have a wonderful day

SlimNu

January 2nd, 2014
8:29 am

Happy New Year folks!

As far as using sex as a distraction from heartbreak, I’d say that would be a bad idea. It only adds to the confusion on things, as least as far as i’m concerned anyway.

disco

January 2nd, 2014
8:40 am

good morning. I can already see I’m going to be on the other side of this discussion. can sex be a distraction? it sure can if it’s really really good. thing is there’s no guarantee it will be really really good. it might just be a waste of your time, energy and new underwear.

Single and Happy

January 2nd, 2014
8:45 am

Hello everyone

Now even though I’ve heard this, never done it myself.

Kimmie

January 2nd, 2014
9:00 am

Morning all! Blogging from home today. It’s nasty out there!

I did this once many years ago. Didn’t work, only made me sadder. Partly because, as Disco said, no guarantee the new new is gonna be good & it wasn’t! Which made me sad cause my ex at the time was better & made me miss him. Second, I just was never cut out for such. Like Lee said, I do better just chilling over time till I’m over the ex.

YesSheIsCute

January 2nd, 2014
9:01 am

Happy New Year everyone! I missed you all. I wish everyone a prosperous and successful 2014! :D

I have tried dating (going out there and meeting new people) to get my mind off of heartbreak. Didn’t work. I wouldn’t know about “getting under a new person”. I know of guys that use/have used this tactic. I really don’t see how it works. They just appear like they don’t care but at some point they are going to have to sit down and deal with their feelings (the feelings they pretend they don’t have).

Single and Happy

January 2nd, 2014
9:15 am

I guess when you look at sex and just sex. It would be hard to use it to get over someone.

Celisea

January 2nd, 2014
9:20 am

I’m working from home today!! :)

Honestly, this mentality is just sooo immature. Who does this but the young, “can’t get over him/her”, and the lonely? Grown folks don’t dabble in such….not grown folks. We already know such shenanigans just gone make matters worse.

disco

January 2nd, 2014
9:24 am

single – I think for the theory to work it depends on the mindset / personality of the person involved. for instance, I have one friend who is in love with every single guy she sleeps with. not saying that she falls in love and then sleeps with them just saying that she seems to be in love with each guy she’s with. guess this method would definitely work for her.

speaking of my friends. I mentioned the chick doing online dating who met a guy who claimed to be a navy seal. same chick was supposed to be going out on a first date with a doctor. I was immediately suspect and asked if she verified that he was a doctor. of course not. I haven’t heard about the date yet. smdh.

Reio

January 2nd, 2014
9:31 am

Morning all! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

My biggest problem with doing this, way back when, was, I don’t remember getting so involved with someone that I felt the need to get “under/over” someone to help me get past a failed relationship.

Not only that, but, what about her? She(the new one) has feelings too. To her, you just might be exactly what she is looking for. Not knowing that all you are doing is using her. Pulling her dress up to get a whiff or two, and then leave. Could never do that. I’d feel guilty. Much too guilty to even contemplate doing so.

Kimmie

January 2nd, 2014
9:35 am

Disco – wonder if it’s the same supposed Navy Seal I met out at a club about 10 years ago? The more I talked to him the more I realized he was a con artist! Lol!

Cel – it is a little tired and kinda sad, isn’t it? Must be why the only time with me was in college!

disco

January 2nd, 2014
9:38 am

kimmie – child who knows but I can’t wait to hear about “the doctor”. shoot, she’ll be lucky if dude actually works in a doctor’s office. I can just imagine some line like “a doctor? you thought I was a doctor? no what I had said was that I’m adopted”. lol.

Kimmie

January 2nd, 2014
9:43 am

Celisea

January 2nd, 2014
9:45 am

Kimmie – Definitely. Chile, things don’t work out, just move on. Don’t be some “should know better”, way too grown person out there committing shenanigans…lol Just sad, if you gotta get under another to get over. Shoot, I’m hoping Diva’s “retrospecting” is going back to her college years.

But, I get it….it’s today’s topic.

2CPTG©

January 2nd, 2014
9:47 am

ummm Diva, that had to have been the worst piece of writing I’ve ever seen from you….that post was all over the place…..

other than that, hunh, what was your question again?

Miss Moni

January 2nd, 2014
9:54 am

HAPPY NEW YEAR MIA!!! :-D

Is using sex as a distraction from your ex ever a good idea? No it certainly is not! Sex wasn’t designed to be a “distraction” but a beautiful and pleasurable act designed to be shared between husband and wife. It saves heartache and time when you just wait for the right person versus randomly having sex just because.

That really is my Name!!!!

January 2nd, 2014
10:04 am

Ok… I read you guys often but almost never comment… But in this case, Here I go. Using sex as a distraction really does work as long as you are mindful of what you are doing and who you are doing it with. As a single man in Atlanta, I am keenly aware that not every woman is looking for a relationship and as long as I choose to “work” that circle, a little ( or a lot) of physical distraction is just what this Dr. ordered……

Button

January 2nd, 2014
10:05 am

Never happened to me, but it is what it is. People do a lot of things to get over an ex and if getting under someone helps ease the pain then who am I to say they are wrong for doing it. Some ppl hit the bottle a little to heavy to get over an ex. Some resort to sulking. Some have even hurt themselves. I think the best distraction for getting over an ex is to excercise or get into other activities that will get you too tired to even think about the ex. I know this one guy said he hummed everytime he thought about his ex. I LOL because dude hummed darn near all day!

Good mornning!

Celisea

January 2nd, 2014
10:05 am

Off topic:

I can tell I’m getting older….I was in Lowe’s about 4 hours shopping yesterday AAAANNNNDDD enjoyed every bit of time spent in there. Got to chatting with the chick that helped me and her hubs work in my building. Use to be a skirt chaser (didn’t tell her that though), not so sure about now. We’ve been there the same amount of years and he’s gotten older. I do know though, that he flirts like crazy with the brash coworker (’member her). I called and said guess who’s wife I met today??? D’oh!

Reio

January 2nd, 2014
10:08 am

Miss Moni – Sometimes you just want to get back at folks. Doesn’t make it right, but, especially when you’re young, doing something like this can be viewed as just what the doctor ordered.

I will say this though. There were a couple of instances where I gave someone the boot because of a lie or two they told. I wanted to inflict pain on’em. And to be honest with you all, in both instances, the one way that I knew that I, well, maybe not KNEW, but maybe, suspected, that I could inflict the most pain, was by pulling up their sisters(yes, sisters) dresses and getting a whiff or two. That would have really hit each one of them stankin heffas right between the eyes.

Thought about it really seriously in one instance. Came damn close in another. But I thought better of it, in each case, in the end. Hurting their sisters like that was much to problematic for me. The sisters were much nicer (seemingly) than they themselves were. I was very angry. And quite young and foolish. I regret even having thought about doing that to this day. Never told anybody, except you guys this morning. Kinda funny too, I found out about one of the lies from one of the sisters.

Hell, the sisters may even have knocked me in the head for even “going there” with them. I don’t know. We were all young. Although, at the time, I strongly suspected that I may have been able to “con” them into doing something. Now that I think about it, even if the sisters slapped my face, and then went back and told their sister(the one I dumped) about what I tried to do, THAT, would have been hurtful enough to them, to cause them to regret having told those lies. But that was a long time ago. Live and learn.

That really is my Name!!!!

January 2nd, 2014
10:12 am

My 10:04 should have read ” That every woman in Atlanta is NOT looking for a relationship”… OK.. back to just reading……

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
10:14 am

“The only way to give over someone is to get under another someone” has always bothered me. – Me too. Never, ever believed in that thought process

Is using sex as a distraction from your ex ever a good idea? – I don’t think so. All you’re doing is putting a Band-Aid w/o any medication over the wound. Do you really expect to heal? When you’re finished, you loins feel good but your heart is still in pain.

Do you tell the person that you are using them as a virtual palate cleanser? – Hell no! Honesty is good, but I see no need to share that. Get under these covers with me and let’s go HAM!

Good, good morning!

Miss Moni

January 2nd, 2014
10:17 am

-Reio I understand your point. I’ve learned though that getting back at folks can take way too much time and energy that I can use more effectively to focus on another area to help improve my own life.

disco

January 2nd, 2014
10:20 am

hey leggs – actually I don’t think the average guy cares if you tell the truth about “using” them or not. shoot, some might even prefer it that way. lol.

Reio

January 2nd, 2014
10:24 am

Like Leggs said, in so many words, the actual act itself tends to be fairly brief, hopefully fulfilling and gratifying, but brief nonetheless. So, now what? I did it. Wasn’t bad. Pretty good actually. Looking forward to the next time. But, damn, I’m still not over the other one. I just ain’t. Hell.

Reio

January 2nd, 2014
10:28 am

disco – You’re right most guys don’t mind being used like that. Telling them that you are/wanting to use them in that way, would be just fine with them. No problem. Just say when. I’ll be there every time. Probably get a speeding ticket on the way there. Hell. Use me, baby. use me UP!!

SlimNu

January 2nd, 2014
10:29 am

Trying to get over someone sucks…you just never know how long of a process it can actually be. One day you’re good, not even thinking about it, then the next something reminds you of a good time and you’re feeling some kind of way again. *sigh*

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
10:37 am

“…you thought I was a doctor? no what I had said was that I’m adopted”. – For some reason, I’m reading this hearing the person talk as if they had a lisp…First laugh of the morning.

Button

January 2nd, 2014
10:42 am

obliviously that concept has worked for some, been hearing that saying for eons.

Button

January 2nd, 2014
10:45 am

getting under someone to get over someone = having to go take dna to prove who’s the baby father and having kids with someone you don’t even love….plenty of one night stands….stds

2CPTG©

January 2nd, 2014
10:50 am

ladies, when do y’all know, that you’re over a dude? seems to take y’all forever to get over someone….

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
10:56 am

disco ~ while typing my post I thought the same. A guy probably wouldn’t mind knowing that cuz he could care less. What’s pressing at hand is clamping down on the new new!

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
11:03 am

R.I.P James Avery (Uncle Phil) and Juanita Moore (Mama on Imitation of Life)!

I know I’m over you when you no longer invade my every thought and dreams at night!

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
11:04 am

Didn’t mean to hit submit….actually If I broke up with you, I’m over you as soon as you’ve vacated my space because you’ve already been dismissed in my mind and heart.

If you break up with me, only time can tell.

disco

January 2nd, 2014
11:06 am

2C – are you inviting a top ten list? you know you are over him when:

1. you stop fantasizing about running him over with your car
2. you stop hoping the next chick makes him pee razor blades
3. you stop wanting to roll your eyes when folks ask what happened to y’all
4. you stop cursing his momma for having him in the first place
5. you stop associating everything with him (we did this, that or he had a car like that)
6. you stop comparing potential new guys to him
7. when hearing his name doesn’t irritate you anymore
8. you stop hoping he calls to get back with you
9. you stop strategically trying to put yourself in his path to prompt #8
10. you simply no longer give a damn

Button

January 2nd, 2014
11:09 am

I know I’m over you when I no longer desire you. I gave myself a grace period to sulk and go thru the motions, 1 week for every year we’ve been together after that then I’m good.

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
11:16 am

“1 week for every year we’ve been together after that then I’m good.” – Interesting.

So, if you’ve been together for 3 years, you grieve for 3 weeks and then BOOM, emotions are back in check?

disco ~ your top ten says it all…

Reio

January 2nd, 2014
11:21 am

Great list disco!

2CPTG©

January 2nd, 2014
11:28 am

interesting…..

Button

January 2nd, 2014
11:29 am

Leggs – yep, it’s all about mind control. I only had to do it a couple to times and it did work for me. I get it all out of my system in the beginning and when time is up (I marked my calendar) I snap out of it and I’m good.

Button

January 2nd, 2014
11:32 am

it’s like a placebo. you believe that by taking meds it will make you feel better in such and such of time and boom you feel better in such and such of time.

disco

January 2nd, 2014
11:52 am

2CPTG©

January 2nd, 2014
11:53 am

disco…..new year, and I still haven’t got none yet….da hell is this world coming to?????

2CPTG©

January 2nd, 2014
11:53 am

2CPTG©

January 2nd, 2014
11:54 am

also, for the NY superstitious folks, with today being the 2nd, I still haven’t had a visitor to my house yet…..does the first guest still have to be a dude?

disco

January 2nd, 2014
11:56 am

2C – dang you must be falling off your game. I’m sure that NYE was chock full of drunk, lonely women that were ripe for the picking.

Leggs

January 2nd, 2014
11:57 am

In your case, 2C, the 1st person should be a woman.

YesSheIsCute

January 2nd, 2014
11:58 am

@SlimNu it happens. I remember when I first broke up and moved out from my ex last year. I was in the car belting out and blasting “Single Again” by Trina with the windows rolled down and my belongings in the car riding to my new place. The next day “I’d Rather Be With You” by Bootsy Collins (one of his favorite songs) came on and I was crying like a baby. It happens….

YesSheIsCute

January 2nd, 2014
11:59 am

@2C I forgot about that. I need to have someone come over to my house. But I don’t know any guys! lol

disco

January 2nd, 2014
12:00 pm

yes – that’s funny because when I hear that song I only think of snoop in baby boy.