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Ex Files: Should you look them up?

Whenever you see people from your past, it’s like unlocking some type of mental time capsule. You start to remember things you said or did and the choices you made back then. My Granny used to always say, “Let sleeping dogs lie” and I used to wonder if this applied to our exes. Have you ever felt the need to go look up your first love?

My friend Lisa wants to find the guy she first loved but there is one problem, she is in a serious relationship and her ex is newly married. Doesn’t really seem like the best timing to reunite with someone but she feels the need for some kind of closure.

Do you think contacting someone you used to know is a good idea? If there is no real intent for anything romantic to happen, should you go look up your ex?

What would you do if the person you were in a relationship with told you they made plans to have lunch or dinner with someone they used to date/love/see naked on occasion?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

142 comments Add your comment

lee

December 16th, 2013
6:55 am

Shaking my Head….
Seems someone is in need of mental health help.

Lets seen Lisa needs closure from a man that just got married, the closure is “he don’t like you like that” that is why he married someone else! I mean really what are you going to say, Hey i moved on into a relationship and you are married so why did you leave me boohoo….. The” i need closure”, i never understood, why?? does one need closure when someone doesn’t want you no more — people start using LOGIC

IF my guy told me he made a date with an X , i would be his next X.
ITS monday and it is one short week for me… good day

Single & Happy

December 16th, 2013
7:15 am

Hey all

Okay, 1st) if she know’s he’s newly married, hasn’t she already found him??? 2nd) there is know such thing as closure, unless you get the answer you want to hear from any situation! Real closure comes when you get it out of your system and move on with your life. The more you look for it, the more it will grow like cancer.

Do you think contacting someone you used to know is a good idea? If there is no real intent for anything romantic to happen, should you go look up your ex? Everyone has to live their lives by their own terms, but some people need to learn to let go. I would never look them up, but if we just happened to run into each other and the situations are right, I would never say never.

SlimNu

December 16th, 2013
8:44 am

It’s one thing to seek closure at the time of a break up but if it’s been years and you both have CLEARLY moved on in life with other partners, what more “closure” do you need? Just consider it a cold case and move the hell on. Why go starting potential mess in his new marriage or even in your own relationship.

And good morning…5 days until a 5 day weekend for me. ;-)

Reio

December 16th, 2013
8:58 am

Morning all.

“…My friend Lisa wants to find the guy she first loved but there is one problem, she is in a serious relationship and her ex is newly married…..”

Your friend Lisa is a stupid damn fool.

Button

December 16th, 2013
9:00 am

Lisa need to keep keeping on and let sleeping dogs lie. The ex is newly and I’m going to throw in happily married, what more closure does Lisa want? She’s setting herself up and just like Single said “if she know’s he’s newly married, hasn’t she already found him???” what exactly is she looking for? Obviously he’s already closed that chapter of his life with her and she need to follow suit and do the same, live her life.

Sometimes exes are like gnats you just can’t swoosh them away, naw you have to smack them away.

What would you do if the person you were in a relationship with told you they made plans to have lunch or dinner with someone they used to date/love/see naked on occasion? that thought has crossed my mind and he can go but, it would be the three of us having lunch/dinner though. I’m not intimated by an ex but I won’t go handing my G. over on a silver platter either.

Good morning!

Kat

December 16th, 2013
9:16 am

Closure is just another way I’ve saying “I’ve completely moved on.” If she needs closure (still), then she is missing something from this new relationship. Some women fall in love with the idea of being married; usually guys marry a woman that they WANT to marry – done deal. She is missing something; he is missing nothing.

Closure to me can, and does, mean that I don’t give a lick one way or the other. If people can stay friends, great. If not, move along.

Reio

December 16th, 2013
9:23 am

All Lisa wants to do is slob on her ex’s knob, like she used to.

If we were together, and she informed me that she wanted to do this, that would be enough for me to say, “Well, go ahead, see him, just don’t come back.” , “But I didn’t say I was going, I just said that I thought about it.”, Well, thank you for sharing that with me. Now, hit the road.”, “Chu mean, hit the road? I haven’t done anything.”, “Yes, but you thought about it and had the nerve to tell me about it.”, “What’s wrong with you? That makes no sense, at least I’m telling you about it.”, “Wonderful. Thank you. Now, haul azz.”, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard of. You gon dump me over some sh!t like this?”, “You damn right, heffa. And, when you get a chance, tell yo sister to call me, she be fillin up them jeans pretty good every time she comes around.”

That’s how I would handle it. No lie.

Button

December 16th, 2013
9:23 am

Do you think contacting someone you used to know is a good idea? I have no interest in contacting any of my exes for any reason what so ever. However my ex on the other hand will always find a way to contact me for something crazy. I haven’t told my G about it though, I don’t feel the need to tell him either. My ex is harmless, just nosey as hell. always calling about someone we both know telling me some rumor about that person. I’m waiting on the day he quit gossiping.

Have you ever felt the need to go look up your first love? of my first lust? lol again, nope. I’m curious as to how things are going for him but to look him up and reach out to him, nope.

SlimNu

December 16th, 2013
9:33 am

Blog monster done got me! :roll:

SlimNu

December 16th, 2013
9:35 am

Reio – Sounds like you’ve had that discussion before.

I’ve had a dude tell me while he was drunk that he felt like he messed up for ending his previous relationship. Of course he didn’t remember it the next day…told him he had some unresolved feelings but he swore up and down it wasn’t true.

Button

December 16th, 2013
9:39 am

Reio – you’re a HOOT! lol

SlimNu – drunken mind speaks a sober heart….. if that’s the case when a person says i love you when they are drunk should you believe them?

Single & Happy

December 16th, 2013
9:42 am

I need some closure!!! I need to make sure I closure door on my way out of your life (LOL)

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
9:44 am

Morning All!!!

Real closure comes when you get it out of your system and move on with your life.

Single, you said it best!!

I know when I am completely done and over someone. It’s when I am totally indifferent to them. The thought or the sight of them does nothing for me. I don’t wish them bad, I just don’t wish anything with regards to them! I’m not curious about you or what you’re doing with yourself or anything.

It’s pathetic to try to hang on, still be “friends”, get closure, just seeing what you are up to & how ya doing, how ya mama & nem, none of that. I would have more pride than that personally. I would not want any past dude to think I’m still that hung up or even the least bit curious as to what he’s got going on. Or have him think my life is so empty I gotta go looking him up. Like I said, real pathetic.

Lisa, get some business honey. Unless yall got kids together, no need to go looking up any ex.

Reio

December 16th, 2013
9:47 am

SlimNu – Actually, I’ve never had this conversation. But I know me, and I remember my dating years. I was serious about it. Every one of them. They were treated with respect and dignity. I paid attention, and listened to them. I remembered what they told me. Not because I wanted to trick them into thinking that I was interested, but because I truly WAS interested. So, for this to come up at any point in a relationship, would have sent me over the top, and caused me to, simultaneously, drop her, and immediately start looking for her replacement. But that’s just me. And I offer no apologies.
I never claimed to be better than any other men. I never put myself above any of my dates/girlfriends, but one thing I always did, was show them the respect they deserved. I expected the same.

2CPTG©

December 16th, 2013
9:54 am

What would you do if the person you were in a relationship with told you they made plans to have lunch or dinner with someone they used to date/love/see naked on occasion?

I’d tell her to get her sh!t, and enjoy your lunch!

Ex files, my ass….that’s what facebook is for if you wanna link up with folks from ya past….going out to eat, and all that….nah boo….

Reio

December 16th, 2013
9:58 am

Button – I’m serious. Hell, don’t walk up on me with this kind of sh!t, and expect me to keep you around. Sorry. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. Although, I must admit, that breaking up over something like this does seem, on the face of it, quite a drastic measure. I can see that. No argument there. Fortunately, this never happened to me. But, again, under no circumstances would I have this happen, and continue as if it never did. That’s just me, though.

disco

December 16th, 2013
9:59 am

good morning.

should you look up an ex? sure if you want to find them? should you look up an ex in the name of closure? you got closure. what are you really, really looking for? be honest with yourself. lol.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

December 16th, 2013
10:00 am

Yeah, she can go see him….and, as long as she can articulate why, I’m good.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with “checking in” with an ex, if the intention is to see how they are doing. FE, one of “ex’s” kid is sick, checked in to see what the prognosis was and how she and her family (husband included) were holding up. Didn’t ask about her marriage, past or whatever, it was genuine concern for someone that – at one time in life – I cared about.

And yes, my wife was right there when I typed the message, knows the history, and was fine with it.

^^how secure adults in a relationship act

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:01 am

slim – cold case. I like that. still you know there’s plenty of folks out to solve the cold case files. lol.

reio – dang.

kat – guys whose stuff is together tend to marry the women who they want to marry. guys who are kind of on the sorry side tend to marry the women that will tolerate them.

2CPTG©

December 16th, 2013
10:02 am

what exactly is closure? y’all ain’t talking like you used to, y’all ain’t sexing like you used to, y’all ain’t hanging out like ya used to…..ummm, the door is closed!!! what, you wanna hear it verbalized, is that it?

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
10:04 am

Reio – It might seem to some drastic to break up over this, but really you may as well. I know me, and I know I would always have it in the back of my mind that dude really isn’t over her & something is going on, no matter how innocent he tells me it is. Things will never be the same between the 2 of you. I frankly would see it as a slap in the face, disrespect. Bringing in unneccesary drama.

May as well go on and cut it off.

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:05 am

hey kimmie – I’ll add even if you got kids no need to go hunting them down. they know y’all got kids. either they choose to be around or they don’t. AND if they didn’t know y’all had kids because you were playing guess the baby daddy well then, chalk it up to the game and keep on keeping on.

2C – really? you couldn’t handle your woman having lunch with an ex? me? I’d be like bring me back such and such. lol.

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
10:08 am

Dan – That’s nice and one of those extenuating circumstances/exceptions the way I see it. And yes, very mature.

But on the regular, most folks are not talking stuff like tha, which is why it’s a topic for the Misadventures blog. They got some okey-doke going on. With the example we have today in Lisa, doesn’t appear to be one of those exceptions.

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:12 am

kimmie – re the okey doke going on. lol. you know I’m on team there’s always an okey doke going on. either the okey doke done already happened and the couple is working or has worked through it. OR they are in the middle of the okey doke but the guilty party hasn’t been discovered yet and the second party is still in the dark. OR one person is contemplating the okey doke but just hasn’t worked up the courage or found a suitable, willing participant yet. yeah, the okey doke is always close.

Reio

December 16th, 2013
10:13 am

I have sat and lamented over my dating years, before meeting my wife, and contemplated what my life would have been like, had I not been so quick to dismiss women. I can still hear my sisters saying, “What’s wrong with you? She was a nice girl.”, or “You make me sick. Hell, at least give her another chance.” or “How would you feel if somebody dumped YOU like that?”….But I always arrived at the same conclusion; She messed up, now, she’s gone.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

December 16th, 2013
10:14 am

@Kimmie

I’m saying, why is it an issue to want to speak to an “ex”?

If this is in fact someone you cared about, what’s at issue?

If the person searching is looking for “closure” – agree, that’s a problem.

But, if the person looking is about “catching up” or “checking in” , I really don’t see a prollem.

SlimNu

December 16th, 2013
10:18 am

when a person says i love you when they are drunk should you believe them?

Button – Good question but sometimes when folks turn into lovey dovey drunks, they are just feeling good and want everyone else to feel good too, I would assume. :???: He said some other hurtful things as well…

MsAtl

December 16th, 2013
10:18 am

Morning All!

Dan- I don’t have an issue with your scenario. Generally, I would say there is no need to look up an ex. If you run into them on the street, fine, but to just look them up in the name of “closure” I don’t get. What closure? Especially if there are years between you? Closure should have come within a short time after ending the relationship. If you didn’t get closure from him or her, you create your own closure by moving on.

Disco- I agree; the other person knows y’all have kids. Why would you need to “find” them? If it’s for child support, let the state find them!

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
10:19 am

Disco – Yes, okey doke is more the rule than the exception! My hubs & I have had this discussion about a lot of relationship related things. He is so innocent to the okey-doke ways of the world, po thang!LOL! He is really an upstanding guy. I tell him alot of things folks do are to avoid getting played. Not everyone has the best intentions in mind, so you gotta look out for yourself. In talking to a coworker and a few of his old high school/college buddies that are still out here playing games, he’s now seeing what I’ve been trying to tell him!

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
10:27 am

Dan – Why would me or my hubs need to catch up or check in with someone? If you are cool with that fine. I just don’t see the need & neither does my hubs. So if he were to suddenly come at me with something like this it would be out of character and unsettling to me.

My experience with situations such as this is probably different from yours Dan. Both times it happened, where a guy I was seeing looked up or was looked up by, an ex, the outcome was not that innocent.

And I am going by my own thought process as well. I’m not the least curious about my past loves. Plus they all were a little full of themselves, to be honest. They would swear up and down I was still hung up on them, even though I’d rather get a root canal than get back with any of them!

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:28 am

atl – for some reason your post put me in mind of my best friend’s wedding. “he’s chasing kimmie, you’re chasing him, who’s chasing you”. lol. I need to watch that. haven’t seen it in a while.

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
10:29 am

Disco/MsAtl – I agree about the kid thing, I just threw that out there!lol!!!

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:35 am

it’s no blog secret that I’m cool with several exes. two of them go back so far we don’t even remember meeting, I’ve just always known them. they were (and still are) family friends of older relatives. we may not be in constant contact but we never fall completely off. one ex just passed about 6 weeks ago. his sister called me the day he died. again, not every break up is messy and not every ex is a threat.

Single & Happy

December 16th, 2013
10:39 am

Disco, nothing wrong with being cool with exes. Some people can just let go, and realize it wasn’t meant to be, but it doesn’t make the other a bad person.

MsAtl

December 16th, 2013
10:39 am

Disco- That is true. Sometimes you just agree that you two are not compatible or not right for each other. It doesn’t have to get messy. I am still friends with my ex’s family.

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
10:43 am

not every break up is messy and not every ex is a threat.

Disco – I agree.

There is only one ex that if something happened to, like he was sick or passed or something, I would want to be contacted about. That’s probably because we were more like good friends than lovers. We’re cool like that. But while we dated, he was one of those that I spoke of earlier, that looked up an ex on a business trip & they slept together. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

Reio

December 16th, 2013
10:53 am

disco – That must be nice to have that kind of contact with ex’s, and have nothing going on between you. If his sister called you, you all must to have been in some kind of regular/simi-regular contact over the years. Nothing wrong with that. It’s not your fault that his sibling thought well enough of you to inform you of his passing. That’s a good thing. I guess I’m not the type. Once we are no longer a couple, all yo sisters, brothers, mama, daddy, cousin Willy…..can go too. As far as I’m concerned. Although, if the breakup is bad and one of yo sisters looks good in tight jeans; Well, I might have to say something to her. Hell, during a brief period, in my youth, I would have even been open to doing that on the sly. Jus sayin.

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:53 am

although, sometimes a particular ex will always be a threat. one of my exes I’ve told countless times that he can date, screw, marry whoever but he knows and I know that I can always have him back. he laughs when I say it but he never denies it. lol.

2CPTG©

December 16th, 2013
10:54 am

disco, NO, my lady can not have lunch with her ex….yeah, y’all might be cool, and no ill feelings exist….but you still ain’t having lunch with him…..if you see him on the street, chunk up the deuces and keep it moving! and if you go behind my back, you’ll then have two ex’s!

Button

December 16th, 2013
10:58 am

I’ve seen cases where the ex husband and ex wife are friendly and so are the exes current. One guy did try that with me, he would stay with the ex wife when he would fly out to dc to see the kids. They even took vacations together. It was so strange. I didn’t know how to feel about the situation. He showed me pictures of them (family vacation pictures) like there was nothing to it. Heck she even picked him up from the airport along with her current bf. Some exes get along but it’s too weird of a thing for me to be in.

disco

December 16th, 2013
10:59 am

reio – that’s why I say (for me anyway) the family friend dynamic is powerful. I think going in both parties respect the situation and so it’s rarely messy. the ex that passed. he has two sisters. his two sisters have been best friends with two of my cousins since they were all in high school together more than 20 years ago. two of the other exes were friends with my older cousins/younger uncles. they grew up together, went to school together, played football together, etc. I think I probably experienced the better side of these dudes more because of their respect for their relationships with my peeps. they probably would have been janky as heck if I were some random chick. lol.

disco

December 16th, 2013
11:00 am

2C – dang. and I thought we had a chance. I was ready to email you my phone number and everything. smdh.

2CPTG©

December 16th, 2013
11:01 am

not every ex is a threat.

yes, they are!!! If you say y’all broke up amicably, and you still have his/her best interest at heart, and you don’t mind seeing him/her for an innocent lunch ouuting, then he/she is a threat…..you’re only fooling yourself!

kimmie

December 16th, 2013
11:03 am

Once we are no longer a couple, all yo sisters, brothers, mama, daddy, cousin Willy…..can go too

Reio – Same with me.

My exes, even the one I referred to in my 10:43, are just so doggone full of themselves. I would never want to give them even an inkling that I was even curious about their lives. Do not get it twisted!lol!

SlimNu

December 16th, 2013
11:03 am

I have an ex that is a really good friend of mine..I know his family pretty well and know I could count on them if I ever needed anything. We’ve maintained our friendship throughout the years as well as other relationships.

Button

December 16th, 2013
11:07 am

I don’t have a bunch of exes, only 2. One is married and the other is a gossiping queen. I don’t consider guys I’ve dated as exes. Now if my last exe the gossiping queen were to get anywhere near my G then I know for sure he will tell him all kinds of stuff, lies and all to cause problems. He’s messy like that.

Reio

December 16th, 2013
11:07 am

They say “What you don’t know, won’t hurt you.” I believe this adage applies in this case. Why even mention it? Makes no sense to me. All Lisa wants, is for her ex to pull her dress up, like he used to. It’s obvious to me. Lisa is having vivid memories of the mornings, afternoons, and nights, when she used to slob on ex’s knob, and she wants to re-live those times, but couch it by sayin that “It’s just an innocent lunch.” Oh yea? Right.

2CPTG©

December 16th, 2013
11:07 am

Slim, it’s one thing to be cool with an Ex from a distance….as opposed to hanging out with them….cause eventually, that awkward situation gon’ come up…..so why even put yourself in that predicament?

cause ain’ gon lie….let me start hanging with an ex…I’mma start reminiscing, and I’mma try ya!

disco

December 16th, 2013
11:08 am

2C – I haven’t seen any of these exes in years. ex number 1 I last saw in 2008 at my grandmother’s funeral. ex number 2 I saw briefly in 2011 at my family reunion. ex number 3 I dropped in to see the last time I went to the jazz fest in dc. that was probably about 3 years back. the one that passed recently, I probably haven’t seen in more than 10 years. I really don’t remember but we spoke regularly even days before he died. definitely no threats there.

SlimNu

December 16th, 2013
11:10 am

2C – Yeah be cool from a distance…I’m not talking about hanging out with them, the fam, traveling together etc. Because frankly, i’d have a problem with it too