accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

When do you introduce kids?

If you have children, introducing them when you are dating someone new can be tricky. I have a friend who has a nine year old daughter who has disliked all his girlfriends. I believe his daughter still has hopes that he will marry her mother, so she isn’t keen on any barriers to their reunion. She has met three of his girlfriends and I think that is too many.

The last girlfriend told my friend that his daughter said some really nasty thing to her. His daughter basically lets his dates know that they don’t matter and they won’t be around long. This turns out to be true because she makes it her mission to be a terror to them!

Should you wait until things get serious before you introduce children to your date? What do you do if things don’t go well?

Have you ever dated someone with children? Did it take a long time for them to warm up to you? What advice would you give when it comes to meeting someone’s children?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

193 comments Add your comment

lee

December 10th, 2013
6:50 am

Depends on the age of the child. Little kids do not need to meet everyone you have a date with, you should wait until it is clear that you are in an exclusive relationship and you should let your child know how you feel regarding that person.

Your guy friend is wrong, he is letting a child dictate his life. When he finds someone he really wants to be with, he needs to express that to his daughter. If his daughter starts those games, it is his place to deal and let her know that is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

And you should have them meet at a fun place where both the child , you and your new partner can enjoy a outing with the child and keep it light and fun. Older kids like teenagers have their own lives, and are engaged in dating, sports, clubs –but the first step is to know your child and do what is right for the both of you.

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Kat

December 10th, 2013
7:40 am

Until there is a reasonable expectation of a future together, do not introduce a child to a new romantic partner. Nothing good will come of it. And, if this guy treats women as “disposable,” which appears to be what is happening, that’s what his daughter will learn to act like.

Single and Happy

December 10th, 2013
8:11 am

Hello all

Happy belated birthday Leggs

I guess it’s how you approach the relationship, I’ve meet kids before we started dating, but this was in the friendship phase. and I rarely meet someone and start dating, doesn’t work out to well for me. As far as meeting my kids, I’ve never really put that much thought into it.

Single and Happy

December 10th, 2013
8:16 am

Kat, it may not be that they are disposable, but who wants to be with someone with unruly kids, it’s easier to just move on instead of deal with it. I know I would. (LOL)

Miss Moni

December 10th, 2013
8:31 am

Good Tuesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

As a single mother of 2 daughters, I’m very protective of my girls. They don’t meet anyone unless I’m actually in a relationship and I know that the guy is legit. Whatever that timeframe for you is, it does vary by individual. I agree with Lee in that children should NOT meet every person you date.

Yes, I have dated someone with a child. His son (age 8) took to me from day 1, but he too wanted his parents to get back together and eventually they did get married. Children are very perceptive and they will ask lots of questions, especially the younger ones. So unless you’re prepared to give answers then wait & see if it’s even going anywhere.

disco

December 10th, 2013
8:49 am

good morning.

this is one of those “to each his own” type topics. some folks will go on and on about not letting folks meet or be around their kids unless this, that and the other take place. that’s all well and good but the longer you wait the greater potential that you might be wasting someone’s time. I’m sure we all know folks who operated revolving doors around their kids (I refer to it as “multiple uncle syndrome”) and I’m sure we all know some folks who married when their children were young and that spouse is the only mother/father that child knows.

personally, I don’t want to meet anyone’s little snotty nosed rugrats. lol.

Exiled

December 10th, 2013
8:51 am

N/A :lol:

change topic request!

Miss Moni

December 10th, 2013
8:56 am

“personally, I don’t want to meet anyone’s little snotty nosed rugrats. lol.”

Disco I so appreciate your honesty. It’s definitely important to KNOW what you want & DON’T want, LOL!

SlimNu

December 10th, 2013
9:11 am

That sounds like a nightmare to date someone, really feel like ya’ll have a good connection, then meet their terror of a kid. Um, nope, I’ll pass on that.

SlimNu

December 10th, 2013
9:13 am

I’d be backing up singing in the voice of Michael Jacksons song Billie Jean, “But the kid is not my son/daughter!” :lol:

YesSheIsCute

December 10th, 2013
9:18 am

This is an interesting topic. I really have no idea. I don’t have any biological kids. I dated a guy with a kid once. He wanted to be “sure” about us before introducing me to his kid. By the time he introduced me to his kid, it was kind of like this isn’t working out and I stopped seeing him shortly after that. I think this is a situation question. Doesn’t seem like there is a clear cut answer on this one.

disco

December 10th, 2013
9:28 am

moni – I’m real on that one for sure. I have some friends who have had late life children and don’t think I don’t occasionally let them know that their kids are messing up the rotation. lol.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
9:35 am

Morning All!!

Exiled did you watch any of the memorial service? I looked at the pictures posted on this site, but I will watch the replay online later this evening. Looks like a befitting tribute to a remarkable man.

On topic – Handle on a case-by-case basis. While I love kids and wanted someone with them, they can also be a dealbreaker. If I saw my hubs was not raising them, allowing them to run the house, disrespect me or if he was one of those folks that are so protective of their kid that they can do absolutely no wrong and the sun does not shine until they get up – see ya buddy! Their mom passed so it was a different situation, but still could have gone left if he had been raising them to be brats.

I understand folks are protective of their kids. But some folks take it too far and act like the kids’ shid don’t stink. Yeah, it does like everyone elses. Your kid/kids are only that special to you, to everyone else they are just another kid. Get over it.

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
9:37 am

His daughter basically lets his dates know that they don’t matter and they won’t be around long. This turns out to be true because she makes it her mission to be a terror to them!

While I agree Diva, that three women are just too many, the copy and paste above is his fault. First off, children shouldn’t be allowed into “grown folks’ situations”…IMO Whenever he decides he wants to pursue a new interest, the kid should be dropped off at grandma’s or his sister or his aunt….somebody. Especially at the age of nine.

Now, when HE decides he’s ready to be for real, no of this “let’s see where things go” type stuff, theeeen maybe he should find a way to bring them both together. I don’t think kids (young kids), should be brought in unless you’ve reached a point of planning to marry. Otherwise, the way some folks are, men and women alike, relationships nowadays are almost anything goes.

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
9:38 am

Also, I wouldn’t put my hands on her, but I’d put her in her place…in front of her daddy. I’d let her know, nuh uh I’on play with children. Get in ya place and stay there…lol

Exiled!

December 10th, 2013
9:40 am

@Kimmie

Yes,woke up at 5:00 am to start watching it. It was a befitting send off to a rare human being.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
9:42 am

Cel – I agree, it’s all his fault. The kid is just being a kid, and the kid he’s allowing her to be.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
9:45 am

Exiled – Cool.

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
9:45 am

Kimmie – Exactly. I was just thinking, after I posted, that shoot, if he had a problem with me letting his kid know IN FRONT OF HIM, that I won’t be held captive by some brat, then I’d tell them both to kick rocks.

Kids being added to the equation is usually hit or miss….nothing in between. Sooo glad my kid is an adult and can handle such things. Even so, she’s still a child under me….she ain’t allowed up in my business…not til I invite her in.

Button

December 10th, 2013
9:51 am

I agree this is a case by case situation. I personally have never let my kids dictate who I dated. I never brought guys around early one either. If we were just dating he didn’t meet the youngings but when it begin to turn for a long term then the kiddie O’s was introduced. I never hid the fact that I was dating ether. There are ups and downs for dating with kids. You just have to do what works for you.

Good morning!

Button

December 10th, 2013
9:57 am

His daughter basically lets his dates know that they don’t matter and they won’t be around long. now see this right here is some grown mess for some kid to say to an adult. First things first why is this child talking to an adult like this? Maybe this guy need to brush up on his parenting skills. This child is too grown.

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
9:58 am

And while kids might be intuitive, they ain’t lived long enough to call shots nor tell you what should or shouldn’t be. Just like they’re intuitive, they’re manipulative snots….sometimes. Gotta recognize when they’ve gone from intuition to just being bratty.

Button

December 10th, 2013
10:00 am

I would never allow my kid to talk to an adult like that, esp in my home. Any guest in my home whether it’s my SO or not, my kid will be hospitable to them. I was raised to respect visitors, say hello, and keep it moving. I was never allowed to be in grown folks face let alone talk to them any kind of way. Some kids today have absolutely no home training!

SlimNu

December 10th, 2013
10:00 am

Do you all think a dating single mother get’s judged more harshly than a dating single dad by others? by their kids?

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:04 am

Button – Totally agree, I was raised the same way about talking to adults. Would be a total turnoff, any dude allowing their kid to speak to me that way.

Button

December 10th, 2013
10:05 am

SlimNu – looking at the murder rate of kids being killed by the boyfriend I would think so.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

December 10th, 2013
10:05 am

Me and the wife had an entensive conversation about the kids before we got too serious.

My feelings/thoughts were (as usual) based on the issues I’d seen/heard about with friends.

The “terror kids” – nope.

The “in grown folks bidness, with an opinion noless” – eh eh.

The “these are my kids, don’t you say nothing” – not.gone.work.

On the last point, I was very respectful of her opinion and instructions until we got married at which point, “if I’m responsible for their care, safety, and financially responsible for their lives, then I have to have input.” Where we disagree on methodolgy, we sincerely try not to have those discussions in front of the kids. We’re not always successful at containing those discussions, but we try.

A single parent – especially in this day and age – has a lot to concern themselves with (saftey, finances, etc.) – and attachment to someone that ain’t gone last should not be added. In that regard, I’d go with the opinions of others that stated “wait til itis gone be something.”

morning

SFTLP

Button

December 10th, 2013
10:10 am

So many mothers have made the mistake of picking the wrong guys and in the end the kid(s) pay for thier mistake.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:14 am

Slim – I think society bashes single moms about everything. It’s all over the news when a single mom’s boyfriend abuses her child, so alot of single moms get thrown in the same boat by some people. Its assumed she’s got a revolving door of men by some or just looking for someone to support her & her kids. Most of the single mothers I know are respectable, hardworking women that do a great job of raising their kids while discreetly having a repectable lovelife. It can be done and alot of women are doing it and don’t fit the stereotype the media likes to put out there.

I’ve seen where some kids are more accepting of their dads dating after a divorce than their mothers, those that have given up on the fantasy of their parents getting back together. It’s almost like their dad is allowed to have a lovelife, but mama better close up shop until they grow up and move out the house. Some don’t even want her to date then.

Leggs

December 10th, 2013
10:19 am

Should you wait until things get serious before you introduce children to your date? – Most definitely. What you don’t want to show your children is what I call the “revolving door” of men. This girl has met three of this gfs already (not sure timeframe of the three), but that seems like a lot. Something is gravely wrong when a child talks nasty to any adult, let alone one you’re dating. For me, I wouldn’t tolerate it. I would have to snatch that kid up in a corner somewhere and eyeball to eyeball let her know she ain’t running s…. and she’s met her match. The father probably has had many talks with his darling little terror, but he needs to talk more and let her know she’s not running things.

What do you do if things don’t go well? – Depending on how close my child and bf appeared to be, I would sit down, not go into detail depending on the age of the child, and let her know he won’t be coming around anymore. However, I don’t know how long one should be dating before meeting the kiddies. Just make sure you’re actually in an exclusive relationship.

Good morning, good morning!

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:28 am

So many mothers have made the mistake of picking the wrong guys and in the end the kid(s) pay for thier mistake.

Button – I see more kids suffering cause either parent chose the wrong person to procreate with from the beginning. More need to be careful who they chose to have children with.

Durty Burd

December 10th, 2013
10:29 am

Good Morning!

An exclusive relationship should dictate when its time to introduce your kids to your SO. Kids diresprecting an adult no should never happen. If it does its time to go..

On the flip side dude maybe keeping up a relationship with the ex or the ex wants to get together with the father and is telling the child to act this way. Or dude uses that to break up with the woman, you never know.

Have a plan, stick with it, don’t deviate from it, then execute it your outcome will be consistent and more successful.

Durty Burd

December 10th, 2013
10:32 am

SlimNu regarding your question, society is harder on the single mom. A lot has to do with the choices which are magnified because she generally has custody of the child. I believe change is happening because more fathers are that single parent, but seem to make better choices as far as a relationship.

Some single moms get too emotional and want a father for their children which can lead to bad choice in the men the get into relationships with.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:34 am

dude uses that to break up with the woman, you never know

Durty – I thought about this as well!

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
10:35 am

So many mothers have made the mistake of picking the wrong guys and in the end the kid(s) pay for thier mistake = desperate

It’s not that hard. I navigated faily well. I didn’t do too much exclusivity during my kid’s younger years, but I had plenty of dates. Hanging out, having fun. No committments and not too much smashing…mainly cause I had a kid. While I stand by kid’s not being too grown, I also felt that I wasn’t gonna bring traffic in my home because not only was it my place of solace, it was my kid’s as well. I didn’t think it would be fair to have dudes invading her space, her place of sanctity….all in the name of getting booed. So, I kept it scarce for her sake, but did enough to stay in the game…for my sake. I just wasn’t getting wrapped too tight with any dude until I felt my kid had some age and growth on her. Like I said on here before, the stock broker was during her younger years, but I lived with my sister and did most of my “dating” at his home or out and about and when she was much older with Silky. That was during a time I felt she could handle a little bit more of “my life.” Even then, I was intentional and thoughtful about that interaction and kept it limited.

Leggs

December 10th, 2013
10:38 am

disco ~ I jut read your post. I see you know the concept of “revolving door” (lol).

“A single parent – especially in this day and age – has a lot to concern themselves with (saftey, finances, etc.) – Indeed, Dan. Add to that list, kidnapping and molestation. Me having a daughter, I have to think along those lines. I remember the men my mother introduced me to with that dumba$$ look in their eyes. I had to put a few in their place and let them know I’m not one to mess with their very first advance toward me!

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:42 am

I’ve seen plenty dudes date & marry straight beyotches, or have revolving doors going on around their kids, so don’t put it all on the mothers.

Like I said, if you want to try to avoid as much pain on your kids lives as you can – choose wisely BEFORE they get here. If he/she is a sorry sack of shid now, making a baby with them is just going to put their misery off on another human being, a human that didn’t ask for that!

2CPTG©

December 10th, 2013
10:43 am

ye’en meetin my children!

my finicky ass kids don’t like nobody; so that’s that!

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
10:43 am

Molestation was ALWAYS top of the list in my concerns and drove me to NOT have men in and out, off and on over the years. Just wasn’t worth my daughter being hurt and marred. Plus, I would be doing time if that would have happened. There are sooo many women that sleep on the dirtiness of men and what run through their minds when there are young daughters around. I ain’t saying all, but soooo many incidents and cases and stories of men having one eye on the mama and ther other eye on her daughter(s). Just hearing stories would break my heart. No way I was even bringing that into my home or on my kid. I already knew, I’d kill a ninja for some mess like that. No doubt!

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
10:45 am

My aunt (who was extremely beautiful, btw), told me she and her sister was constantly running from her mama’s boyfriends over the years. She said a couple of times they had to climb out of the window. Dern shame!

Leggs

December 10th, 2013
10:46 am

Celisea ~ like you, I kept interaction with my kid minimal at best. I dated, but there was no need for them to meet my daughter. She needed to be comfortable in her home at all costs so I never had overnighters or us sitting down like a family and breaking bad…none of that was going to happen.

“Some single moms get too emotional and want a father for their children which can lead to bad choice in the men the get into relationships with.” – I am so thankful I was never that single mom. She has a father so I didn’t feel the need to replace him in that category. Women need to stop finding fathers for their children and let their biological fathers into their lives. What beef the parents may have should never interfere with parenting their children. That is one of the greatest travesties, bickering, selfish, spiteful adults!

disco

December 10th, 2013
10:48 am

slim – yep. but that’s the old double standard at play. single mother? bad. single father? put up on a pedestal. single mother dating? that’s how she got in her predicament in the first place. single father dating? well the poor babies do need a mother. lol.

on the flip – I can’t stand chicks always talking about “I’m a single mother” like it’s a badge of honor or a crutch. who really cares that you aren’t married??? just do what you have to do without proclaiming your marital status. sorry. pet peeve. lol.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

December 10th, 2013
10:48 am

@Cel

I don’t think it’s always desparation.

Shiiooott, women without kids make mistakes, and it could argued…..(nevermind).

Bad choices happen for both sexes, it’s just that the law has decided the women have to literally live with the result of those choices. And that men – when they choose to – can pull up stakes and leave.

I’m glad that you’ve practiced sound judgment and avoided the mistakes of bad choices.

Leggs

December 10th, 2013
10:49 am

Celisea ~ yes, it has always been TOP of my list.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:50 am

Cel – You gotta watch the men checking the sons out as well. That happened to the son of one of my good friends. He told his mom before anything happened, and lets just say my friend led him out the house with her gun. :shock:

Button

December 10th, 2013
10:50 am

There is nothing wrong in wanting a father for your child(ren). I commend any mother who does so. It’s sad when there are more kids in a classroom being rasied by a single parent than a two parent household. There are some great step parents out here. I commend those step parents coming in and lovingly raise a child that isn’t their biological child. It takes a very special person to do that.

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
10:52 am

I am so thankful I was never that single mom

Me too, Leggs, me too. I just didn’t see the need to lose all my scruples cause I was having a hankering to smash (yeah that came over me often during the years….lololol), or lonely or needed to go out. I think I did enough interacting (with really really cool dudes), to stay in the game, but not forget my first priority, which was my kid.

That’s why I look at dudes sideways with all the comments (nor do I try to prove or justity what it is now) on lonely women and can’t get none, blah blah blah. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Even so, when you decided to lay down and make babies, you gotta get up with being responsible and putting everything in it’s place and keeping perspective. I usually just shake my head, cause while they’re running their mouths, they don’t have a clue of the sacrifices and why. Why it’s sooo important not to get lost or lose sight or get things twisted. You just don’t want to create situations that’s gonna haunt them the rest of their lives. Nothing was worth that sacrifice.

kimmie

December 10th, 2013
10:52 am

Disco – My pet peeves too.

Dan – Agree, with all your posts.

2CPTG©

December 10th, 2013
10:53 am

I can’t stand chicks always talking about “I’m a single mother” like it’s a badge of honor or a crutch.

just witnessed this the other day, and I was like, “and?” hell, I was a single father, But I ain’ ask for no sympathy….did my job and kept it moving…when I used to go to my kids’ functions and it was just me, even some of the teachers were shocked…I was like chic please, all dudes aren’t deadbeats…..

Celisea

December 10th, 2013
10:56 am

Dan – Thanks and I agree, it’s not always desperation. However I’m mean more so of not being overwhelmed with being without a steady mate or being overwhelmed with things that can be mind over matter. Most that fall prey to bad decisions sometime have their desires and wants first, and if that means sacrificing your kid, then that’s what I call desperate.

Kimmie – Most definitely. Shoot you better be equally worried about boys now as little girls. There was a time we didn’t have to worry about boys so much. Not now.