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Love or loneliness?

The other day, I read something that really caught my attention. I’m paraphrasing but it was something like “Until you become comfortable with being alone, you will never know if you are choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” Do you agree with this?

There is something that clicked when I read it because I know that being single has its challenges, but being with the wrong person is my personal version of hell.
Perhaps it is my inner commitment phobia that causes that anxiety.

I have gone for long periods of time without a serious relationship. When I meet someone great, I feel pretty confident that I am not picking that special person because I am lonely. I have done that before and it did NOT end well. Thankfully, I can recall that awful situation every time I feel tempted to call the toxic bachelor who is a bigger commitment phobe than I am or the now married ex-boyfriend who still carries a torch.

Do you ever wonder if you are dating simply out of loneliness? Does the fear of being alone make you endure way too much unnecessary dating drama?

HAPPY MONDAY!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

191 comments Add your comment

2CPTG©

December 2nd, 2013
10:50 am

being single is cool, ‘cept you don’t get sh!t for Christmas! but it’s ok, cause I spoil myself…..

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
10:51 am

I wld rather folks admit theyre lonely than pretend that u single and happy!

not my problem.

And then there are the people who are obviously very unhappy, and don’t understand how others aren’t like them.

MsAtl

December 2nd, 2013
10:52 am

Reio- maybe she wanted to make sure you didn’t get apple cider or malt vinegar? The heavy duty foil is thicker.

Miss Moni

December 2nd, 2013
10:55 am

-Disco Your neighbor may have her new hubby move in with her. . . You never know these days. . .

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
11:00 am

MsAtl – Thanks. just wondering. Didn’t know there were different kinds of vinegar and different kinds of aluminum foil. Thought vinegar was vinegar, and foil was foil. Learn something every 11 days. I guess.

Exiled

December 2nd, 2013
11:00 am

Ex- Why do you believe that a single person cannot be happy?

@MsAtl…if the single person dont have a boo or a boo and side boos,or ho s or even side hustles(like Disco), no way they can be happy.

Now this aint me proclaiming sh%^t! Thats how GOD designed folks.

Now MsAtl,if u tell me u single but u got something going on (rotation or whatever) to get ur groove on and alleviate the building pressure, i respect that(ladies dont tell i knnow..but still).

Now to put up a face and pretend u single,non going on in ur life and u aint lonely…..please!

..PS..matter of fact,i got some batteries to hand out for Xmas if any single ladies are interested.. :lol:

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
11:07 am

Ex- Are you suggesting that, the absence of a S/O in ones life, is a barrier to happiness? If so? How so? I don’t understand.

MsAtl

December 2nd, 2013
11:08 am

Ex-”@MsAtl…if the single person dont have a boo or a boo and side boos,or ho s or even side hustles(like Disco), no way they can be happy.” —-You relying on those old 85% of people believe I unicorns surveys again?????

MsAtl

December 2nd, 2013
11:10 am

Btw- I will take those batteries anyway- My son wiped me out while he was home. Even took the batteries out my remote.

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
11:12 am

Msatl, Reio, there are those who believe that if it’s not possible for them, that it’s not possible for anyone. and most of these people will never know happiness of any kind.

Exiled

December 2nd, 2013
11:17 am

Reio…it dont have to be a S/O in the sense u imply.

It can be IS/O(s).(Insignificant Other(s)..as long as the person has some canal action errv’ now and then….

now see,none of these single folks are even mentioning that, though single, they engage in some sort of debauchery..cunninglus and canal shenaneegans..Alll theyre misleadingly implying is they live by themselves and have no canal relations with nobody untill they meet the RIGHT person.

Its misleading isnt it?

Miss Moni

December 2nd, 2013
11:17 am

-MsAtl I’m LOL at your son swiping all of your batteries. Those electronics will do it every time!

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
11:20 am

Sounds like Ex is defining loneliness as not having a S/O. And defining happening as having a S/O.
One cannot exist without the other. And, beyond that, He seems to think that the cure for loneliness is sex, or a simulation of sex. Some kind of sexual stimulation, supposedly, cures loneliness. It can take your mind off of it, loneliness, for a bit, but the feeling comes back shortly thereafter. So, I’m not sure what he really means.

Exiled

December 2nd, 2013
11:25 am

No Reio(the cure for loneliness is sex,)

Wrong!

Company..the next person’s company comes FIRST before SEX…..Sex does happen but what comes first is the Comapny of the other person.Compony cures Loneliness!

..Get it?

Now All Single people crave the company of the Right one…in his absence,they dont live without….they resort to stop gap measures…..they maybe be insignificant folks that theyre not going to showcase to everybody..but they fill the void.

Reo..dont be hoodwinked! :lol:

disco

December 2nd, 2013
11:26 am

atl – now you should know not to question ex. he has been determined to be “special/precious” and we collectively “bless his little heart” each and every day.

moni – I don’t see it going down like that. she is definitely about to upgrade.

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
11:29 am

Ex – Ok. I think I know what you’re sayin. But what would you say to an individual that’s single, unattached, but happy, content, and not lonely? Does that person exist? Can that person exist?

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
11:29 am

Reio, married guys tell me all the time the life I should be leading because I’m single. Which is really the life they wish they were leading. just overlook it, because most of the time it doesn’t make any sense.

disco

December 2nd, 2013
11:29 am

atl – no he didn’t!!! your son I mean. I think I’d call him and tell him he owed me some energizers. that’s messed up.

ex – “intimate acts” have nothing to do with loneliness (maybe a tad bit to do with comfort but very little to do with lonely). loneliness is an internal/personal emotion. folks on the outside really have very little to do with it. this is why you can be with folks and still be lonely or be alone and not be lonely.

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
11:34 am

Disco – I understand the worry about what kind of neighbors you might be replaced with. That’s a concern all have, in every kind of neighborhood. Especially if you have some good neighbors and they get replaced with some that are loud, nasty & won’t keep their yard neat, got a bunch of wild bey bey’s kids running around, got some mean pitbulls they let get loose, etc. Don’t come here bringing down the property values! Of course, if they were bad neighbors, you can’t wait for them to move!LOL!!

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
11:36 am

“intimate acts” have nothing to do with loneliness (maybe a tad bit to do with comfort but very little to do with lonely). loneliness is an internal/personal emotion. folks on the outside really have very little to do with it. this is why you can be with folks and still be lonely or be alone and not be lonely. ding ding ding ding.

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
11:38 am

Single & Happy – Yea, they swear they are having the time of their lives. Even dirt bags my age are still “out there.” Chasing dumbazz little girls who only want the cash they provide. Take the money out of it, and the girls will leave too. No problem though. They are all grown. He gets what he wants, she gets what she wants.

MsAtl

December 2nd, 2013
11:42 am

Disco- Oh! I forgot myself for a moment. Bless his little heart, lol.
Think that I am not going to put some batteries in his Christmas stocking???
Btw- Great post (11:29). Exactly! You can choose to be happy or unhappy. It is a matter of disposition and you can be happy despite particular circumstances. As I mentioned, at the end of my marriage, I felt lonely despite having a “partner.”

Leggs

December 2nd, 2013
11:43 am

I am single and for the most part quite happy. Sure, I get lonely at times, but not enough for me to be with someone just to be with someone. If love is hurting, meaning I’m miserable while with that person, or mentally gearing myself up to spend time with you, by all means being alone is quite blissful. Peace of mind is my aphrodisiac that sustains me until my mind is equally yoked as yours. I don’t need to be “booed” up for the holidays if I haven’t been all year long. I laugh every time my phone now rings from guys I haven’t heard much from over the year. I’m cordial and nice, but naw, we ain’t hooking up, not even over dinner (a late dinner at that).

I’m good over here…I have a new attitude!

Good morning – btw, did anyone hit 129 last week???

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
11:43 am

Reio, not the single guys the married guys are the ones I’m talking about. They are the ones doing all the chasing. (LOL) Most of the single guys admit it’s too expensive to be chasing everything with a split in the front. (LOL)

Exiled

December 2nd, 2013
11:45 am

ex – “intimate acts” have nothing to do with loneliness

@Disco..i responded to Reio..follow that thread.

Reio..EX what would you say to an individual that’s single, unattached, but happy, content, and not lonely?

My response:’Please!” with a scowl/contortion on ma face! :lol:

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
11:47 am

One thing I do know is that I will take lonely and peace of mind any day of the week over being in a bad relationship. I learned that a long time ago. There is nothing worse than having to deal with drama and hurt feelings and someone that really doesn’t care about you and shows it. If that’s all you got, you can keep it!

disco

December 2nd, 2013
11:49 am

kimmie – don’t get me started on all the folks that work late, hit the bar, go shopping, grab a bite, anything they can think of just so they don’t have to go home and be with a mate they don’t want to be bothered with. YET they want to clown single people. at least we ain’t scared to go home. lol.

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
11:51 am

Single & Happy – Yeah, it’s the married guys that are the “dirt bags” I’m referring to. Still sneaking around, and chasing. I feel sorry for them though. married but lonely. If one of these little girls decides he ain’t paying enough, they can blackmail him. Then, he’ll really find out what loneliness feels like. I can’t prove that they are doing what they say they are doing, but there is no doubt in my mind that they are. Their wives, apparently, don’t have a clue. The wives seem happy and not lonely.

disco

December 2nd, 2013
11:55 am

reio – interesting. I never really considered the notion that men cheated because they were lonely. women? maybe. men. I just always figured they were simply greedy. lol. double standard? maybe but I’m just being honest.

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
11:57 am

Reio, alot of their wives are doing the same thing. that’s why they seem happy and not lonely (LOL) Men running around thinking they have everything under control!!

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
12:01 pm

Disco, I know several married guys that put on the face of being happy, but their words don’t seem to go with it. It’s like they’re in that cheaper to keep her mode.

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
12:03 pm

disco – Yes. It happens. Although perhaps not as much with us as it does with women. Many men are a lot like Ex, in that, they think physically being with a woman will cure loneliness. Most, in my opinion, are just out to see how many of the young chicks they can have. Never willing to admit that the cash, or the prospect of cash, is what gets them. Young women that would not give them even a first look, without the cash or potential for cash. Sad.

Miss Moni

December 2nd, 2013
12:03 pm

“One thing I do know is that I will take lonely and peace of mind any day of the week over being in a bad relationship.”

AMEN Kimmie, this right here is my truth!!!

Leggs

December 2nd, 2013
12:05 pm

kimmie/MissMoni ~ ditto!

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
12:06 pm

Disco, did you ever decide which tablet you were getting?

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
12:07 pm

Single & Happy – Yes. I know a few wives, or, should I say, I know a few wives, whom I strongly suspect, are cheating. Since I can’t prove anything. Even the women that my wife has told me that have confided in her, that they were cheating, I have no way of knowing for sure, but I don’t doubt it.

disco

December 2nd, 2013
12:07 pm

single – I think married and single folks both put on a front re happiness. in general, I understand because I’m of the mindset that random folks don’t need to know your troubles. whatever it is, work it out, deal with it and keep your business to yourself. still, while I’m all for happy, the person that is “all happy, all the time” is suspect in my book anyway. lol.

reio – thinking it’s not about the money is nothing but straight denial or male braggadocio. they know what the real deal is. trust. still I know men like to stand around other men and brag about how they ain’t never had to pay. to that I say “mmm hmmmm”.

disco

December 2nd, 2013
12:11 pm

single – no. I never got around to buying a tablet. went in the store and picked up the kindle fire hdx but I left the store without it. then decided I’d just go ahead and get an ipad mini since my credit card offered 10% cashback. again I stalled. I guess the real issue is I don’t really care about having one, just feel like eventually I’ll have to get on the tablet bandwagon. I can see the benefit of one, it’s just not a priority for me right now.

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
12:12 pm

I think folks cheat for a variety of reasons. One, I think, is to get what they feel they are not getting from their partner at home, be it sex or affection, an emotional connection, a lot of things. And yes, some are greedy. Whatever the reason, it’s sounds like a sad and lonely life. Are you really getting fullfilled sneaking around?

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
12:16 pm

Disco, I only become “suspect” when their words, don’t fit their actions. For some reason people like to talk to me, and the real person comes out. There are some people that are actually happy.

We’ve all had to pay!! in some form or another, whether it be a bill, dinner and a movie. or just straight up giving them money. I have one friend who says he’d rather go on back pages and pay rather than take them out. because it’s cheaper!! and you know you’re going to get some instead of you might get some.

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
12:21 pm

Moni/Leggs – I remember those times after being hurt, realizing this dude means me no good, dealing with their games & mess, wondering if he would come thru for the holidays, one day I decided I was just not gonna deal with it anymore. It’s nothing wrong with wanting someone special in your life. But that’s just it. It was not enough to just have some warm body around when I got hard up. If he was not going to be an asset to my wellbeing and hanging around causing me grief and getting on my nerves, he’s of no use. When I made my mind up about that, a few got kicked to the curb that year. I breathed much easier!LOL!!

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
12:22 pm

Disco – My sister-in-law got her daughter a new Kindle for Xmas for $100.

Single & Happy

December 2nd, 2013
12:23 pm

Disco, I just got an asus transformer with a keypad. so it’s almost like having a laptop. came in handy on my last trip.

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
12:24 pm

disco – I remember several years ago, an acquaintance of mine, not a friend, just an acquaintance, told me that this little girl he was foolin with, wanted to use his address on her student loan application. cause if she used her parents address(Where she was still living), she would not qualify for the grants(Which don’t need to be paid back). And he was kinda feelin me out for advice. I told him he was a damn fool(Mainly cause I knew his wife to be a ‘Top shelf lady’). A real gem. And he had the nerve to cheat on her. Not only that, if she used his address, all of the student loan correspondence would come to his house, and his wife would find out eventually. So, yeah, guys pay all the time. They lie all the time too. And the younger and more savvy the little girl is, the more they pay. And that’s fo sho.

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
12:28 pm

Reio – So in your acquaintance’s case, why do you think he cheated, did he ever say why?

Miss Moni

December 2nd, 2013
12:32 pm

-Disco I just purchased 2, 9 inch tablets, for my daughters from Walmart.com for $69 each.

Reio

December 2nd, 2013
12:34 pm

“So in your acquaintance’s case, why do you think he cheated, did he ever say why?”

Kimmie – I never asked. Never knew. I knew his wife to be a truly outstanding lady. So, I couldn’t understand why he would jeopardize that for a few minutes with a ’sweet young thang’ every now and then. I assumed he was just one of those fellas that never grew up, and seem to get a high on follin with women their daughter’s age. I guess. I don’t know.

Miss Moni

December 2nd, 2013
12:35 pm

-Kimmie I have asthma, so breathing easier is priority #1, LOL!!! ;-)

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
12:39 pm

Reio – Cool, just curious. I was wondering if he ever gave any “excuse” like his wasn’t getting any at home or something.

kimmie

December 2nd, 2013
12:44 pm

Moni – I know that’s right. One day it just clicked with me. I was like why in the world am I worring myself over these pieces of shid? I got where I literally just did not give a dang anymore. One guy was like, “dang, you don’t even return my calls anymore. You just don’t care.” What he really was trying to say was “why aren’t you sweating me? I was just like “whatever”, let some other poor lady deal with yo tired behind. I didn’t say quite that, but he knew I was gone. When I get where I really don’t care, you’ve lost me!