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Open to open marriage?

I was at a friend’s party recently and a bunch of couples were in attendance. Somehow the topic of marriage came up and one of the guys said that he and his wife contemplated having an open marriage. Of course, we all got nosy and asked loads of questions but they were pretty candid about what they wanted to try.

The husband basically said that he did not feel that monogamy was a realistic idea in terms of “forever faithful” so why not be practical about it? They agree to be honest when they meet someone they are attracted to. They also believe that they can date and pursue romantic interests as long as they inform the other.

I personally can’t imagine doing this type of open marriage, but I won’t knock it. I just think traditional marriage is not for everyone. If a couple can find a way to make this work for them, who am I to judge?

Would you ever consider having an open marriage? Do you think it is realistic?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

317 comments Add your comment

Lee

November 13th, 2013
6:44 am

Would you ever consider having an open marriage? No
Do you think it is realistic? No, What is the point of marriage then, just stay single.

Hurry up and get over with Wednesday.

SlimNu

November 13th, 2013
8:09 am

Um, OPEN marriage…that brings to mind the question of what’s even the point to get married if you’re going to both still be dating others. Aren’t the vows to Forsake all others, or did I just pull that out of my arse?

Button

November 13th, 2013
8:14 am

Lee/SlimNu – my exact thoughts.

Good morning!

SlimNu

November 13th, 2013
8:51 am

Is it cold enough for you guys? Brrrrrrrrrrr

YesSheIsCute

November 13th, 2013
8:57 am

Good morning everyone!

You’re right WD, you shouldn’t judge those that decide to have an open marriage. How and ever, I agree with SlimNu, I thought one of the vows was to forsake all others and be bound for as long as one another shall live? If he thinks it’s unrealistic, maybe he shouldn’t be married. I think that’s the problem, many people don’t revere marriage as they should. Instead of taking a hard look and saying that I am not the type of person who can honor the vows I took for the rest of my life, people just keep sullying the institution of marriage and saying it’s not realistic. It is realistic, just admit that you can’t won’t do it.

disco

November 13th, 2013
9:15 am

good morning. I actually would consider an open marriage. heck, some folks are in open marriages whether they want to acknowledge it or not. as in all things, it is what you make it and I, for one, recognize that marriage is different things to different people. I’m sure there are many wives (and some husbands too) that would be more than happy to look the other way at indiscretions. they just don’t care to be bothered with that aspect of marriage. they want the comfort and the security and the material benefits. they don’t want the “hunching” to use an ex term.

disco

November 13th, 2013
9:17 am

yes – you are operating on the assumption that folks took so-called traditional vows. vows have been changing. people are writing their vows. at the end of the day, folks on the outside of a marriage don’t know how the folks on the inside of a marriage choose to operate their marriage. what marriage means to you may not be what marriage means to them. in their marriage the only opinions that count are theirs.

Leggs

November 13th, 2013
9:20 am

I would never consider an open marriage. Why get married? Stay single, shacking up, what have you and date. Leave the proponents of marriage, a union between two people alone.

SlimNu ~ it is too cold for my liking. I wore a turtleneck yesterday (love turtlenecks) but overheated with all the running around I had to do at the office. I kept that in mind ironing my clothes last night and found a sweater vest I hadn’t worn in a good 6-7 years to help me stay warm.

2C ~ I thought about you while getting dressed. The vest I have on, I purchased back in 1976. I’m going to send you a pic of it. Already gotten quite a few compliments on it this morning. It’s old, but it’s cute.

Good morning!

MsAtl

November 13th, 2013
9:27 am

Morning All!

I actually know a few people in open marriages. It is not for me, but if it works for them, then who am I to tell them different?

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
9:30 am

I have yet to hear of an “Open Marriage” situation where it is the woman’s idea to entertainment such.

Look if a person is going to cheat there is nothing you can do to stop them. However that does not mean you should give them permission to do so all willy nilly by pretending to be okay with it.

I am saddened by the women that go along with such with repressed angst all in the vein of “holding on to their man”. All I can do is SMH. I have not yet met a woman that is perfectly okay with knowing her husband is screwing other women. The one acquaintance I know that thought she would be okay with it had to quickly be honest with herself and her husband that she was not okay. Whether or not he went thru with it I don’t know. Probably did behind her back but it is not in the fiber of a woman’s makeup to accept such. Unless she just doesn’t care that much from him and is doing her own thing.

Monique…Jada stop turning your head to your husband’s trifling ways and call it what it is. Get some self-respect.

If your spouse steps out and you find out deal with it in whatever way is right for you. But stop pretending like you are okay with them casually getting it on with someone.

If you want to live the single life to freely bed who you please, STAY SINGLE.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
9:35 am

Leggs, I agree. Why don’t folks leave marriage alone? Stop tainting it by trying to “change” what it truly is. Stay single. Date and bed as many as your heart desires and stop trying to change the structure of marriage.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
9:39 am

Yeah, yeah, yeah save all the crap about how people cheat behind their spouse’s backs. We know that already. Folks have being doing it for ages. But leave marriage alone. Stop trying to bring in a life of unaccountability to a structure that is meant to consist of two individuals forsaking all others. Stay Single.

2CPTG©

November 13th, 2013
9:41 am

morning….

see that’s the damn problem with society now….constatnly wanna change sh!t up…..sorry if I offend some, but GOD had one purpose in mind when he created the instituition of marriage! That’s one man, for one woman! And as some have stated, to forsake all others….If you can’t follow that simple concept, then one, don’t get married, and two, whatever you have that doesn’t line up with that, don’t call it marriage! Taking something and modifying it creates something different…

Leggs

November 13th, 2013
9:43 am

Raqi ~ and, if you’re doing the non-traditional vows, why go the traditional route and secure a marriage license, hire a clergyman/woman to marry you, etc. Why not marry yourself? Because it’s not recognized in a court of law, benefits won’t be given in death, sickness, you do not have a legal footing to protest or consent to anything for your mate. If you really cannot forsake all others, again, stay single!

YesSheIsCute

November 13th, 2013
9:46 am

@disco people may write their own vows but doesn’t the chaplain/preacher/etc still have them repeat the “for sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer…” spiel? That’s what I’m referring to. People can do what they want and call it “marriage”. But it does not a marriage make. You can put lipstick on a pig but it won’t turn it into a lady. It’s a pig with lipstick on. I have no problem with a pig with lipstick on and if someone says it works for them then that’s great :) . But for someone to try to pass it off as a lady (a female human)…. I’m not going to subscribe to that. It is what it is. An open marriage is not a marriage if the preacher asked you to repeat after him and part of those vows were to forsake all others.

But like I said if people say an “open marriage” works for them then that’s great they were fortunate to come to an agreement that works for them.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
9:50 am

“Taking something and modifying it creates something different…”

Toucan, Exactly!

“…why go the traditional route and secure a marriage license…”

Leggs, Eactly!!

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
9:51 am

YesSheIsCute, ^5.

Leggs

November 13th, 2013
9:54 am

I’m getting closer…hit megaball and two #s last night. I think I won $3.00. I swear, hitting the megaball alone should be at least $100.

SlimNu

November 13th, 2013
9:54 am

Leggs – That’s the thing about clothes, if you hang on to it long enough, its style will come back around. ;-)

kimmie

November 13th, 2013
10:07 am

Good Chilly Morning Gang!

Raqita – I agree. I have yet to hear of a situation where it was the woman’s idea to have an open marriage. It is truly sad when I see anyone “going along” with a situation just to hang on.

2C – Love your post!

Yeah, if you want to have an open situation, cool do you. Just don’t call it marriage, because it’s not.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:18 am

And I don’t buy into this “If that’s what works for you” statement being thrown around for everything these days. Some things are a matter of what should and should not be and needs to be stated as such.

What’s next? Telling a pedophile “if that’s what works for you then have it at”? Is that the direction we are as a society is leaning towards? Heck what’s to stop it from getting that out of hand if we are turning our heads on every matter because someone decides they want the freedom to “do what works for them”.

Heck I would like to walk into Costco today, get what I need and walk out without paying. That would work for me. I would get to keep the $200-$300 that I spend there every month. But as we know just because is what could work for ALL of us that is not how it is. LOL Our economy would soon cease to thrive if it was.

That is what is happening to our societal moral fiber. It is starting to unravel and we the people are to blame because we don’t want hurt somebody’s feelings.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:21 am

Hi, Kimmie. Yes it is cold outside.

2CPTG©

November 13th, 2013
10:22 am

Raqi, this is modern day Babylon…..”acceptance” is the phrase of the day;

Durty Burd

November 13th, 2013
10:27 am

Good Morning!

Create you own comfort, security and benefits, but do not go into a marriage where you agreed to be with me thru thick and thin.

The problem with folks is they are very selfish, like Button stated before marriage is about adding to your partner happiness etc.

MsAtl…The couples you know who are in an open marriage, has the woman stated she is still happy with the situation?

Lucky Leggs what is going on with the Mega? I notice numbers in the sixties last night…I usually don’t play the Mega but it was at 117 million…What 3 digit number are we playing this week?

Hello SlimNu… :)

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:30 am

My hubby has a cousin that turned down our Thanksgiving invite because WE refuse to acknowledge the woman that SHE sleeps with as her WIFE. She is not her wife and we will not accept such in our house. She is welcomed to come and she can bring her friend but we will not have our kids exposed to a lifestyle that we do not agree with.

She can do whatever the heck she wants but not in my house so she has chosen to stay away.
That’s fine. If that’s what works for her then stay away.

LOL

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:31 am

Toucan, you are so right.

If that’s what works for you = Acceptance.

Don’t judge me = Acceptance.

2CPTG©

November 13th, 2013
10:35 am

looka Raqi….sounding like Joshua….”as for me and my house….”

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:36 am

If my hubby ever stepped to me with some nonsense about an open marriage I would simply say “Okay. But I get to go first.” LOL I have known him long enough to know that he would not accept that and an open marriage is not in his character.

But I’m just saying. LOL

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:37 am

Toucan, “…we will serve the Lord.”

MsAtl

November 13th, 2013
10:38 am

Durty- The wife says she is, but that may just be what she says. I have been told that as long as it doesn’t affect home life and the kids, but I can’t see how it cannot affect those things.

Raqi- When I say if it works for them, who am I to tell them different, that does not mean that I am accepting of that lifestyle. It simply means that I may think it is wrong, but I do not have the right to tell them to do something different. I can voice my opinion but at the end of the day, their marriage is not my business.

2CPTG©

November 13th, 2013
10:41 am

If my hubby ever stepped to me with some nonsense about an open marriage I would simply say …….there’s this dude, whom I told I would get with in the next lifetime, and you come at me crazy if you want to, that next lifetime begins now….. :)

disco

November 13th, 2013
10:42 am

hey raqi – I actually know a couple who had an open dating relationship and moved into an open marriage. they are happy.

2C – I don’t generally chime in on God but not everyone’s life and/or marriage is based on God. I will say that “God’s team” usually consists of some of the most judgmental folks around. those who cannot accept things that aren’t as they believe they should be. ijs.

yes – not everyone marries in a church or before a preacher. again, ijs.

Leggs

November 13th, 2013
10:45 am

Durty ~ I thought I told you last week that Mega Millions has a new slip. Numbers now go up to 78 I think. It’s now even harder.

Durty Burd

November 13th, 2013
10:49 am

MsAtl….That is interesting, but it would be difficult not to think about what your mate is doing with another person. How much money he spending on her, how much time he is spending with her etc…

disco

November 13th, 2013
10:50 am

raqi – the difference being pedophiles are dealing with kids. marriage (usually – lol) is dealing with two grown folks.

atl – exactly. who are we to tell other folks about their situations? especially situations they are perfectly okay with. I can’t stand folks who don’t whoop their bad azz kids but I can accept that they aren’t my kids and their discipline methods really aren’t my concern.

Celisea

November 13th, 2013
10:50 am

not everyone marries in a church or before a preacher. again, ijs.

And here’s where folks are misguided. It ain’t the “church” or the “preacher” that deems a marriage being being considered “done before God.” It’s the vows you take, that were instituted by God. So, it’s God that’s gonna hold you to them…wherever it got it said.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:50 am

MsAtl, I agree. We cannot tell people how to run their lives. But what I am saying is there so much turning your heads and not acknowledging what is going on where will it eventually lead?

Like I stated up thread. What about the pedophile? If molesting kids is what works for him (i.e. gives him pleasure, because that is really what it is all about, Pleasure) is it okay for him to do so in his house? No!

But what’s to stop it from getting that far? Nobody wants to hurt feeling these days. Sometimes hurting someone’s feeling cannot be avoided. Or else it should not be avoided for the sake of what should and should not be.

Marriage is what it is. Folks trying to bring in other things or restructure it is trying to change marriage. As Toucan stated, that would make it no longer marriage. Call it something else but don’t call it marriage.

2CPTG©

November 13th, 2013
10:51 am

not everyone’s life and/or marriage is based on God.

therein lies the issue!!!! If it ain’t based on God, then who/what is it based on? Man didn’t create marriage, but man wants the authority to dictate, and moderate?

Durty Burd

November 13th, 2013
10:51 am

Lucky Leggs…O.K. not going to play the Mega heck that is too many numbers…O.K. so what pick three are playing…I am going to play 5 days out so I do not miss the next one…

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:51 am

2Can, Yep. It would start Rhet Now. LOL

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:54 am

Exactly. God instituted marriage and the laws of it. If you want to do something else call it something else. Just don’t call it marriage.

I have to go shopping. I will catch up with yall later. Maybe. LOL

Celisea

November 13th, 2013
10:55 am

Dern, I jacked that up…lol I had some other stuff but erased. I just don’t feel like going there on this world being based on “folks can do as they please”, so I erased some stuff. And yeah, folks can do as they please but that’s the very reason this world is going to hell in a handbasket. Every individual carries a responsibility to God….you are your brother’s keeper.

The devil ain’t in a red suit with a pitchfork. The less we speak the truth, the more free reign the devil takes. Thanks be to God though, I’m under the shadow of his wings.

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:56 am

Disco, you are right. Kids. But if that’s what works for him…Right?

Celisea

November 13th, 2013
10:56 am

I’m done. I wasn’t intended on getting all “righteous” on y’all. Carry on :)

Later gators!!

Toodles :)

disco

November 13th, 2013
10:56 am

Celisea and 2C – going back to my original post that that’s not the vows that everyone opts to take. right/wrong/whatever – some folks go out on a limb with their vows and their marriage. not everyone lives a faith based life. I’m not the one who makes it that way, I’m just the one who is pointing out that that way does happen. I have one friend who is a self proclaimed non-believer. she’s married. been married more than 20 years. she and her hubs are happy enough as far as I can tell. I like them individually and I like them as a couple. now, I’ve never questioned what vows they took. maybe one day I will. I know they got married at the courthouse.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 13th, 2013
10:57 am

As far as I remember hearing her say, the “open marriage” Monique talked about was her idea, see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHvmTJUmvyk

There are women that want to do it for them, though they are – admittedly – few and far between.

That said, I agree with the “why fo” comments thus far

Celisea

November 13th, 2013
10:58 am

disco – Marriage was instituted by God. You can tweak, change, omit…but if you entered into marriage, you’re held to what he established….what he set up.

2CPTG©

November 13th, 2013
10:59 am

go ‘head on, Celie…..preach, gal!!!!! cause you’re absolutely right!!!

hell, that’s reason we’re in this sh!t now, two folks wanted to do what “they” wanted to do, as opposed to what was outlined for them….

Raqi

November 13th, 2013
10:59 am

Celisea, I don’t care what version of marriage vows I have heard I have not yet heard the version that has left out “forsaking all others”. In church, In the courthouse, On the beach or where ever. It may be out there but I have not heard it yet.

Now I am gone for real.

Celisea

November 13th, 2013
11:01 am

Raqi and 2Can….exactly!!!

I was in lurk mode today, but y’all pulled a sista out. I’m gone too….I got work to do.