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Make them become marriage material?

Every now and again, I get an email from someone asking me for tips on how they can make their partner change. They get it in their heads that if they love someone enough, give them great sex, and sometimes financially support them, then eventually they will become the person they want them to be. This is when I know it’s basically a fairy tale that people are seeking, I call it Matrix Dating – not based in reality, but stuck in some kind of matrix that is half real, half fantasy.

Listen, there is no real way to make someone become marriage material. I do believe that people can change and grow, but I don’t think this growth can be coerced and manipulated. I have heard some men say that their woman forced them to grow up and become more mature, but I never heard anyone say it was because they demanded it.

Do you think that there is a way to inspire someone to grow and change? If someone has great potential, can a person mold them into becoming someone who is marriage material?

Has a relationship ever changed you for the better? How did they change you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

145 comments Add your comment

Lee

November 12th, 2013
7:18 am

First off marriage material is different for everyone. Watch a movie on pass porn stars now the majority of them are married and have been married in and out of their career, i for one would not find that marriage material.

Do not try to mold anyone into anything — talk about frustration for only yourself. Move on and find that person for you.

Many try and mold themselves into something they are not or never was, you hear it i married one person and got someone else. You are setting yourself up for failure and worse some have this idea that once they are married the other person is stuck<— no such thing .. again setting your self up for a frustrated life.

All relationships change us in small way and sometimes major ways, we live and we learn

Good Morin

YesSheIsCute

November 12th, 2013
8:38 am

Good morning everyone! Today is my Monday :)

I don’t think there is anyway to inspire anyone to grow or change other than your own kids or people that you are mentoring. Other than that if you think you are going to inspire your significant other or someone you are dating then you definitely need to get your feet on the ground.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m old enough and then men that approach me are old enough to have their ish together and not be “potential”. I’m over the whole potential. Either you have the basics right (job, car, bills in order, education, mastery at skilled trade, etc.), and you are just trying to get to the next level or you don’t have anything together and you’re just living on dreams.

Every relationship should cause each of the members to learn something and grow. If they don’t learn, grow and change then that was not a productive relationship. I truly feel that the last two guys improved and came out better because of their experience with me. I also feel like I have improved and learned some valuable lessons through those experiences. I learned that I’m done with fixer-uppers, settling and that there’s someone out there that’s as much as a giver as I am. To let the takers keep stepping. They are like vampires! :hiss:

Button

November 12th, 2013
8:52 am

Is there such a thing? I’ve heard that phrase used a lot but to me everyone with a tongue that can say I do is marriage matterial, even sign language. I’ve met ppl that have thier ducks in a row with career, finance, and all around good person but they are still single, can’t pinpoint why they are not married. Some ppl are not going to get married no matter how marriage material they appear. The slackers of the slack have gotten married and is still married…go figure! No matter how well you can cook, bedroom skills or what have you i believe that if it’s not destin for you to be married it’s just not going to happen. Some ppl are the marrying kind, they get married get a divorce and married again. …..repeat rinse repeat. Some ppl have a marrying spirit about them.

Good morning!

SlimNu

November 12th, 2013
9:05 am

I’m baaaaack peeps….I hope to peek back in once I catch up at the office. ;-)

Miss Moni

November 12th, 2013
9:11 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!! *Enjoyed my day off & my entire Veterans Day Weekend* :-)

Do you think that there is a way to inspire someone to grow and change? Yes a person can be inspired to grow and change, but they still have to choose to do so. You can’t make them.

Has a relationship ever changed you for the better? Yes
How did they change you? I learned that I was a bit more selfish than I ever thought. I had to take into account that my actions can directly affect someone else. It was a great lessoned learned, don’t do things to your mate that you don’t want your mate to do to you.

2CPTG©

November 12th, 2013
9:32 am

MsAtl

November 12th, 2013
9:45 am

Morning All!

Yes, I do think that you can inspire a person to change and grow; I have seen it first-hand. I don’t think you can coerce someone into changing, it will not last and therefore it would be an act, not a change.
I don’t believe you can transform someone into marriage material. I also do not know that there is a strict definition of marriage material, you decide what you want out of a marriage. For me, marriage material means that you have yourself together, you know what you need to do and you do it. You are not selfish and you know what it is to compromise. While I will support my partner, I am done with build-a-bears.

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
9:53 am

You can’t make a person do anything they don’t want to do. When people truly get that, they’re stop sitting around waiting on another to change just to appease them.

MsAtl ~ I agree, you can inspire a person to consider changing, but they will only change because they want to and see the benefit to themselves. If one changes solely for another, that change will probably never be permanent.

Good morning.

Exiled

November 12th, 2013
9:53 am

Slim..Welcome!!
Any good Misadventures whence u came from?…give us the juicy! :lol:

On topic:If someone has great potential, can a person mold them into becoming someone who is marriage material?

How u gon evaluate marriage Potential?

marriage material is a state of mind…

good tatas,sexxy body,nice and juicy butt,nimble and agile lower back in bed,crazy fiya head in the cut dont make NO marriage Potential!

They come schooled already!

good morning MIA!

Button

November 12th, 2013
9:55 am

Make them become marriage material? In arrange marriages they have no other choice. I’ve always been facinated with arrange marriages. They don’t marry based on love, it grows over time compared to autonomous marriages where love is upfront but fades over time for the most part.

Has a relationship ever changed you for the better? no, I can’t say one ever did. I’m going to strive to be my best always whether in a relationship or not.

YesSheIsCute

November 12th, 2013
10:09 am

@Button some arrange marriages are really matches made in hell.

SlimNu

November 12th, 2013
10:11 am

Ex – Not much to tell in the way of juicy other than my 70’s outfit turned out pretty good. The only mishap was I took a nasty fall down the stairs so I’m walking around with a bruised arse. :-( Other than that, I had a pretty good time. Over too soon though…Oh and one more thing, my counterpart’s uncle ended up dying the night before we left so it was a good distraction for him. Has to fly home this week though for the funeral.

Exiled

November 12th, 2013
10:17 am

glad u enjoyed Slim….u fall a lot dont u..I think i have heard a story from u of u falling in the past..am i right?

u werent liqored up,right? :lol:
sorry to hear that bout ur “counterpart” misfortune!

hmmm,”counterpart”?? ..thats undercover subliminal…. gays and lesbo use these words a lot and then heteros who are in transition….not boyfriend yet…but not jes friend either…

Its looking UP?! :lol: @Slim?

Button

November 12th, 2013
10:19 am

Yes – lol, I could only imagine…but some are not either. Marriage is what you make of it whether it’s arranged or not. One thing for sure, the divorce rates are much lower in arranged marriages compared to non arranged marriages.

MsAtl

November 12th, 2013
10:20 am

Is it too early to go off-topic? It is related to dating though.

A friend of mine has gone on several dates with a man and the dates had gone well, so she invited him over for a home cooked meal. I listened, mortified, as she recounted how he used the bathroom without washing his hands, then proceeded to belch in her face and fart near her throughout the evening, as well as try to rub his dirty hands on her. When she asked him to leave, he told her to just watch, he WILL make her his woman! I told her he got too comfortable way too soon. I don’t know if he was trying to test her or if he had sustained a concussion the night before, but this was just too much!

MsAtl

November 12th, 2013
10:20 am

Slim- Sorry about your fall. Hope you heal easily.

Button

November 12th, 2013
10:27 am

SlimNu – ouch! nothing like a pain in the arse!

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
10:31 am

I’m stuck on the word “make” and because of that I continuously say no, you can’t.

SlimNu ~ glad you had a good time and sorry about your clumsy self falling AGAIN. You’re either falling, tripping or spilling. I know, I’m always burning myself or dropping something (lol).

MsAtl ~ that sounds so much like a test, but don’t want to think one would do all that so soon. He probably was being his own dirty, nasty self. Who the heck farts in front of a newbie? He sounds like he’s 65 yrs old.

Exiled

November 12th, 2013
10:35 am

MsAtl…what did ur friend feed that man, that made him belch and fart so bad and loudly, if not disresepectfully?

:lol: :lol:
OMG

Miss Moni

November 12th, 2013
10:36 am

-MsAtl I am repulsed by the guy your friend invited over. He was wayyyy too comfortable!!!

SlimNu

November 12th, 2013
10:45 am

Blog ate my post….

Leggs – I think i’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I just may be a klutz. :???:

Button

November 12th, 2013
10:48 am

MsAtl ok after he didn’t wash his hands I wouldn’t let him anywhere near me without annoucing to him about not washing his hands! Farts and burping disgusting too? was he raised in a barn? lol that guy is clearly nasty, I would ditch him in a new york minute.

MsAtl

November 12th, 2013
10:55 am

Ex- I wanted to ask her what she fed him, lol. But even if she fed him milk and chili, he displayed rude behavior and a lack of decorum. She said he was deliberately belching in her face. I understand gas, but he could have bitten it back or stepped outside or in the bathroom. Then, to use the bathroom and not wash your hands and try to wipe them on someone. The icing on the cake, trying to grab her and get a kiss? Come on Son!

Robert

November 12th, 2013
10:56 am

“Make them become marriage material”

Ladies, you can not make a man “marriage material”. A Man will find his own way if he is lucky enough to meet that special woman and smart enough not to lose her because of his foolish actions (cheating, etc.).

I can only speak for myself and inspite of all I have been through (kids, work, etc.) I feel my “best is yet to come” and my woman will benefit from all that I have to offer (love, respect, honesty, financial support, etc.) in our relationship. I am glad that she see’s me as – marriage material? Yes…She Said…Yes…

Mr_NYC

November 12th, 2013
10:57 am

“Listen, there is no real way to make someone become marriage material. ”
Sounds like a plot from Stepford Wives

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
10:58 am

Anybody hear the Strawberry Letter this morning. This woman was intrigued by a keynote speaker at I guess a conference she was attending. They spent sometime together, she really likes him. He has money, a yacht, bought her a $7,000 clock she keeps on her desk (HUH?) and has gone to bed with him. He’s very attentive to her needs, cares about her and wants a relationship. The catch is, she slept with him, but only want to be friends with perks. She went to kiss him while in an elevator and he pulled away saying if he can’t be seen in public he doesn’t want to be seen in private. He seems to have everything she’s looking for, but he’s white. She may have the ideal man right in front of her but can’t get past him being a white man. Well, obviously, he isn’t her “ideal” man.

How can you sleep with a white man you don’t want a relationship with because of the color of his skin, but his skin color didn’t seem to matter between the sheets. Sounds like she’s prostituting herself for the perks and behind closed door, padded windows, police bars on the doors monkey love for trinkets on the side.

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
11:03 am

Robert ~ I agree 100% with your last paragraph. No matter where you are in life, be true to yourself, keep yourself up and be pleased when you look in the mirror. If not, change what you need to change for yourself because when you’re happy w/self, you’ll attract others. Nobody wants a mean mugging troll or even a mean mugging beauty queen.

Exiled

November 12th, 2013
11:06 am

MsAtl….inviting a datee to a home cooked meal is code for “we could smash if the evening goes according to plan”so I will excuse the kiss attempt but.. :lol:

farting loudly or even producing multiple pangent, silent fart salvos and not washing hands after dump or belching loudly with no excuse or attempt to stop that is a sign of uncouthness or his part.

Is ur friend ghetto like him? :lol:

Durty Burd

November 12th, 2013
11:33 am

Good Morning!

Folks can always be inspired to change and get ready for marriage. Many a men who felt like they might lose their lady and did came back with a changed mind when they realized what they lost.

Recap.. Lee thinks porn stars are not marriage material… Everyone is marriage material when you find the person who accepts you for who you are.

Exiled thinks on folks in the Ghetto have bad manners..NOTTTT! Washing your hands is a must, but belching and farting is natural…Why do we need to stop or hide what everyone does? Ladies running around trying to hold stuff in them that is why so many have stomach issues and cannot use the bathroom once a day!

Durty Burd

November 12th, 2013
11:35 am

That was an interesting discussion between Disco and 2C… My analysis Disco is AFRAID>>>

To my blog booed….I know when you are with your boo the only person you think of me! No matter what I do, you will always think of me!
You want me, like I want you, so lets get it on! hehehehehe!

kimmie

November 12th, 2013
11:36 am

Morning Gang!

Button – I’m inclined to go with your 8:52. Some just have that marrying spirit about them.

With the arranged marriage thing, yes the divorce rate is lower, but I’m not impressed by that. The same mindset and culture that led them to go along with an arranged marriage more than likely frowns on divorce. It’s almost more of a business arrangement. Why would you get into a business arrangement to get out of it? It is an interesting concept though.

I think the biggest thing to make a person “marriage material” is something intangible, and that’s having a personality that’s easy to deal with and get along with in an actual relationship. There are alot of folks that seem to have a lot going for themselves on paper and seem to be a cool coworker or friend, but cannot seem to sustain a relationship. It’s because when they get behind closed doors, they are a complete azz! Just impossible to deal with. Other folks on the outside looking in will say “Wonder why Jane dumped Joe? He’s such a nice guy. She’s gonna regret letting that one go.” What they don’t know is rather than deal with his mess, Jane would rather get a bunch of cats and call it a day!!LOL!!

Inspire is the key word in the topic. It’s not a demand, it’s more a “lead by example”. I’ve never been into fixer-uppers in any aspect of life. Not trying to mold anyone but my kids. Other than maybe introducing me to a different cuisine or music or health habit, never had a dude to change me or me change a dude.

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
11:36 am

Durty ~ I was just typing something to Ex about him being ghetto, but you beat me to the punch. Everyone belches and farts, you just need to excuse yourself (if possible). It’s not ghetto, just bad manners to sit there and pas gas. However, I do realize some do seep through w/o warning (lol).

2CPTG©

November 12th, 2013
11:44 am

wonder if he did #1, or #2…….

YesSheIsCute

November 12th, 2013
11:57 am

I typed a response and then the website ate it so here’s another go….

@Button I believe a reverence for societal traditions, religious or otherwise, (known as a “death before dishonor” mentality which usually exist in the types of societies where arranged marriages are common), is fundamental in keeping arranged couples together. Not necessarily that arrange marriages inherently are more successful than unarranged ones. For instance, In the USA if this practice were introduced it would more than likely fail because many Americans do not have a death before dishonor mentality. Further more, many aren’t willing to die for anything anyway. I used to think arranged marriages were better but not so much after looking at the complete picture (the societies and conditions in which they exist and are successful).

Miss Moni

November 12th, 2013
11:59 am

-Leggs I missed the Strawberry Letter this morning, but based on what you described I don’t get her angle. Oh wait a minute, she’s attempting to get over on him. . .

YesSheIsCute

November 12th, 2013
12:02 pm

@Leggs I don’t get it either… sounds like an opportunist. So sad it’s usually the other way around the guy wants to “hide” her because she’s black. I wish I could have heard that this morning…..

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
12:05 pm

MissMoni ~ I just read the entire letter. She doesn’t seem to be openly trying to get over on him, but that’s what it boils down to. He’s her white mandingo and that’s all she wants while enjoying certain perks. He’s attentive and that’s a plus for her, but she only wants to sex him. She has a problem but doesn’t know what it is.

Miss Moni

November 12th, 2013
12:17 pm

-Leggs I think they should do a “Strawberry Letter Where Are They Now” edition. I’d love to know what happens to these people after they get the feedback/advice. Do they get help? Does anything really change?

Durty Burd

November 12th, 2013
12:26 pm

Leggs….She is getting her wants met while making an excuse not to have a full relationship…Sounds like Durty, I mean Celisea….hehehehehe!

I did that in my past, I was kidda hiding a relationship with a young lady..I get my wants on and did not want to do a full blown relationship so I made up excuses not to do the full do…

Also I was in a hide sexual ge together…The young lady wanted to come over and get it, I served the drinks and she serve the puddy..Although she told me she had broken up with her dude, I did not believe her…I just hunched she went back…

Women are usually hunching while dating, just as much as the men are!

YSIC>>Mrs. Kimmie mentioned intangibles, before you get involve with your fixer-uppers make sure you know how they stand morally, do they exit a character and do they exit selfishness…A few dates will let you know exactly what a dude stand for…

Durty Burd

November 12th, 2013
12:27 pm

Blog ladies..What would you do if you were in a situation like the strawberry letter?

MsAtl

November 12th, 2013
12:33 pm

Ex- No, she isn’t ghetto. I don’t think she would have began dating him if he was (openly) ghetto either. I guess his crassness could not hide any longer or maybe he behaves out in public. The fact that he had gas isn’t the issue, but she said he belched in her face more than once. Not washing his hands was just pure d nasty! And then taking liberties to touch uninvited?

SlimNu

November 12th, 2013
12:38 pm

I don’t think i’d be afraid to be in public with a dude I was interacting with like that. If that was the case, I don’t see how I could go to bed with him at all. If that guy (white, black, latino or otherwise) is treating well, taking heed to my needs then eff what anyone else has to say.

Durty Burd

November 12th, 2013
12:39 pm

Better yet Blog ladies have you hide a FWB before or relationship? If you did can you explain why it happen?

Durty Burd

November 12th, 2013
12:44 pm

SlimNu …What are your needs? Other than food, water, air and a place to live…

How was your trip? Did you have a love connections? (Not sex) someone you found interesting?

Button

November 12th, 2013
12:46 pm

Appearantly the strawberry letter writter is more concerned with the opinion of others. If the situation was reversed she wouldn’t like it so why should he?

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
12:46 pm

Durty ~ here’s my honest answer. If I was her age or hell even my age, and I’m attracted to a man that has many things on my mental checklist along with nothing standing in my way preventing me from dating him, I would pursue it. Although I’ve never dated outside my race, I am not ruling it out. Sometimes the love of your life is standing right in front of you, but because of societal constraints we can’t see them. We need to live for ourselves and what makes us happy and not what others think. That’s where I am in life, where I’ve always been. I date those who are interested in me and I’m interested in them. Yes, the fact the has $$ helps, but if I have a connection to him I would go for it. The woman in the letter needs to let him go because what he has to offer she doesn’t want to buy.

SlimNu

November 12th, 2013
12:49 pm

Durty – I see you’re trying to be funny…I meant needs in the way of a relationship…love, support, understanding, affection etc. My trip was good, just too short. Too bad we can’t post pics on here, i’d show ya’ll my 70’s get up that I found. Mr. Mann had a good time too.

SlimNu

November 12th, 2013
12:52 pm

Good men come in all colors… ;-)

YesSheIsCute

November 12th, 2013
1:02 pm

@db I dealt with a dude before in a FWB situation. I really liked the dude and wanted more but I hid it from the people in our circle b/c I really didn’t want anyone to know the situation (that I liked him but was settling for the FWB situation). That’s really the only time I hid something. I’m pretty open normally with my friends about people I’m dating or dates that I go on.

Leggs

November 12th, 2013
1:29 pm

Good men come in all colors…Yes, they do!