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Intimidated by their ex?

A reader wrote in asking for advice from everyone at Misadventures in Atlanta blog. “Holly” is 26 and has been dating Dylan for several months. She found some old pictures of Dylan’s last few girlfriends and she said they all looked like “Victoria Secret Angels”, which instantly made her feel insecure. She thinks she is “in his league” but admits that seeing his former girlfriends puts some kind of pressure on her all of a sudden.

Holly wants to know how do you handle dating someone who’s last girlfriend/boyfriend was wealthier, more beautiful, or simply more “awesome” compared to you? Dealing with insecurities in life is tough enough, what happens when it impacts your dating life too?

Have you ever dated someone who compares you to their ex? Do you think we consciously or subconsciously compare our current loves to our past loves? Is that normal?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

174 comments Add your comment

Single & Happy

November 8th, 2013
7:19 am

Hey everyone

First of all Holly need to stop snooping around!!

Holly wants to know how do you handle dating someone who’s last girlfriend/boyfriend was wealthier, more beautiful, or simply more “awesome” compared to you Grow up and learn to love yourself then your realize there is no one more “AWESOME than you! Don’t compare yourself to others. If those others were so great, then why are they “EXES”

Single & Happy

November 8th, 2013
7:25 am

Have you ever dated someone who compares you to their ex? NO, if they did, I’d send them back to their ex, I’m not about to be in competition with anyone!

Do you think we consciously or subconsciously compare our current loves to our past loves? NO

Is that normal? what’s normal to some is strange to other. But some who haven’t truly move on, or still need “closure” will do that. To truly get “closure” in life you really have to move on with your, and let it go. Because most of the time in order to get it, you have hear what you want to hear, not what they want to tell you. Then you want be comparing your exes, you’ll be enjoying your present!

Exiled

November 8th, 2013
7:27 am

U got the floor ladies!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fellas…when you detect that your exes maybe putting her in insecurity and desire to please mode,that can also be good thangs….(hehehehe…like Durty)

Insecurity affects everybody in the relationship adversely…!
Not good!

Morning MIA

Lee

November 8th, 2013
7:49 am

Holly needs to focus on her and him not him and others, the other girls are not with him any more. Holly are you acting crazy? because, how did you find old pictures of other chicks? How do you know they are awesome do you know these women? Seems to me Holly was insecure to begin with to me and is making herself crazy.

I do compare but not to someone face, its more internal –comparing behaviors –we go by what we know and our experiences –comparing is knowing what behavior we want in others and the behavior we don’t want.
I have been compared thou i don’t think he knew that he was doing it, he would state oh my ex would never of done that she would of ___. It was good on my end not on hers.

It is a wonderful morning since i don’t have to attend to that place called work. Sitting her enjoying my green tea.

Coach

November 8th, 2013
8:07 am

Comparison’s only hurt, they never help. They foster feels of inadequecy. Furthermore minding your own business and working on your self will draw your good to you. GOOD GOOD MORNING THO!

YesSheIsCute

November 8th, 2013
8:32 am

Good morning! I’m hoping for a better chain of events today :D

It’s easy to say don’t worry about the past and to move on. In her case she went looking for it. She shouldn’t worry about the last person and needs to be secure that he wants her and not the last couple of VS understudies he dated.

I was in a similar situation when I was younger. Actually, the at the time boyfriend was showing me pictures of him from back in the day. In a couple of the pictures was some of him and his ex which he quickly tried to put away. She looked amazing and instantly I felt a little insecure because I looked nothing like what her, who appeared to be the runner up for the Ms. Turkey crown. I asked him how it ended and he said she went back to her husband (he was divorced, she was just separated). Anyway, I didn’t spend a lot of time obsessing over it since he was not the love of my life anyway and I was just enjoying the free coffee dates, dinners, and phone calls anyway. But I definitely can see where a small pang of insecurity can hit when you see the exes look 10x amazing as you feel you look.

YesSheIsCute

November 8th, 2013
8:34 am

Out of curiosity who are these readers? And how do they write in to WD?

Button

November 8th, 2013
8:46 am

She found pics? was she snooping thru his stuff?
Come on you’re going to feel some kind of way when you see pics of your current exes esp if they are much better looking than you but you should keep in mind that was the past. Unless you were his/her one and only that person has a past and even if they might look like victoria secet models don’t let that sway you. Heck I can be a vs model my darn self.
Have you ever dated someone who compares you to their ex? no at least not to my face.
Do you think we consciously or subconsciously compare our current loves to our past loves? only if you miss the ex.

Good morning!

Button

November 8th, 2013
8:50 am

would she be more comfortable if the exes didn’t look like vs models? most of the time regardless of how the exe looks some will always find something to be insecure about.

YesSheIsCute

November 8th, 2013
8:55 am

I forgot to answer the other questions!

How would I handle it? I would try not to let it get to me. If they didn’t want to be with me, they wouldn’t want to be with me. People always draw from previous experience in order to ascertain how to handle a current situation. Everyone can say they don’t but that’s just human nature. It would be nice if we could forget our hangups and experiences and go into everything with a clean slate. But if we did that we’d keep encountering the same things over and over again. Wisdom comes from the knowledge gained from experience. The end.

Donell

November 8th, 2013
8:57 am

So, several months in, JUST finding not one, but a FEW photos of previous women, and they all just so happen to be fine… C’mon now… In my opinion, Dylan strategically placed those photos. Several months in, I can just imagine things might be becoming routine and those pics serve as a reminder to Holly, “don’t get too comfortable.”…. Don’t start wearing that headrag just yet, so to speak.

Now, they key for Holly is to not let her dude see that his previous ladies make her uncomfortable. Every man wants a woman who can run with the best of em! Also, I think it’s very normal to compare past and current lovers. My opinion.

Exiled- I agree with you on the “putting her into desire to please mode.” That’s exactly what happened in my opinion.

Leggs

November 8th, 2013
9:01 am

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:02 am

Morning all!

I was compared to a girlfriend’s EX before. I was never a big bar, club, party kinda fella. I told her that early after meeting her. Oh, we went out, but not as much as she wanted. She would say “I’m used to going out more”, or “We need to do something every weekend.” I don’t remember her ever mentioning the EX by name, but she would infer that he was more outgoing than me. “But I want you to meet my friends, so they can see you.”, or “Tell’em suma them jokes you be tellin me.” or words to that effect. What I presented, was not what she was used to, when it came to socializing. I didn’t dislike going out, just not as much as she wanted. The last guy took her everywhere. I wouldn’t.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:08 am

Donell – I don’t think men are quite as calculating as you are suggesting. Those photos were not discarded by him, so apparently he felt the need to hang onto them. She needs to focus on her and him. Those past chicks should be out of his system, since he has already started a relationship with her.

Leggs

November 8th, 2013
9:10 am

My post isn’t getting through!

First and foremost, Holly needs to be secure in the fact that she is now his gf. There’s something about her that attracted him to her and something about the others that made them his ex. Right now, she’s what he’s looking for. If she becomes hung up on his ex’s where it interferes with her self-esteem, she’s headed toward sabotaging her relationship. Hell, someone is always prettier, sexier, etc. Own what you have and walk with confidence with each and every step. Why sit back and worry about an ex?

Good morning!

abc

November 8th, 2013
9:18 am

Of all the 10’s I’ve ever met, the vast majority of them are completely intolerable personalities. Few exceptions. Ol boy probably just grew weary of the beeyotches and went for a normal girl this time.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:18 am

.”Holly wants to know how do you handle dating someone who’s last girlfriend/boyfriend was wealthier, more beautiful, or simply more “awesome” compared to you?”

What’s there to handle? He already knows the last girlfriend was wealthier. That’s a given. But what is NOT a given is that these EXs are more beautiful and awesome than Holly, in the eyes of her new boyfriend. Hell, he could be thinking that he hit the jackpot with Holly. Those EXs may be beautiful and awesome, but the boyfriend may be thinking Holly is just as, or maybe, even more beautiful and awesome. Holly sounds kinda young and silly.

Donell

November 8th, 2013
9:21 am

Reio- I agree with the fact that she needs to give no reaction to the photos and press forward. However, I find it hard to believe she stumbled across not the most recent ex, but three fine ex’s photos. Something about it seems pre-meditated to me. Also, with bits and pieces of a story, all one can do is come up with their best conclusion based on experiences. I do agree she should press and remain secure though.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:23 am

Donell – Here here.

Leggs

November 8th, 2013
9:29 am

“Dylan strategically placed those photos” – I’m not sure about that. Anyone in a relationship wouldn’t want to consciously do emotional harm to their mate. I sense she was snooping. If he did place those photos where she could find them, he’s probably now playing with her and taking stabs at her self-esteem to see just how much he can now manipulate her to succumb to his wishes. Can he now turn her into a dormat?

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 8th, 2013
9:29 am

For the record, the past doesn’t exist once you meet the D (period).

#BWIM, I never cared about her “ex’s” or “current”, and for that matter “future” if they weren’t me.

I’ve said this here before and I really do mean it, “all the world is my stage, y’all (the rest of humanity) are actors on it).” It’s why I’m never jealous in relationships, envious in life, or could ever be thought of as a “hater” in any way….I just don’t care enough about people like that.

And yes, though I would die/kill/assault/mame/wound anyone that hurt, harmed, or otherwise injured a member of my family or a loved one…that “not caring” extends to them as well.

Good morning

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:30 am

I guess it’s easier for some than others to forget previous relationships. Hangin on to photos of EXs seems odd to me. I was fortunate, in that, once the relationship was over, that was it, for me. What’s past, is past. Holly was insecure before seeing those pictures. IMO.

disco

November 8th, 2013
9:37 am

good morning y’all.

holly needs to sit down somewhere.

coach – re comparisons only hurting. they only hurt if you come out on the wrong side of the comparison. we all make comparisons on some level. it’s all good when we size someone up and determine “they ain’t nobody”. lol.

Donell

November 8th, 2013
9:42 am

Leggs- how is that automatically emotional harm from Dylan??? Doormat? I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s obviously with her because he wants to be. Ofcourse this is all situational, but why cant it be as simple as don’t get too comfortable? Holly referred to them as VS models. For all we know, Dylan could see Holly as a VS model… If anything Holly is causing herself emotional harm.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:45 am

At this point, Holly is her own worst enemy. Da hell wit them pictures. Sit down and shut up. Heffa.

disco

November 8th, 2013
9:46 am

donnell – hey. what’s up? how you doing? lol. I’m with you. holly is setting herself up for failure and shame on her. she’s a grown woman who is still sweating other grown women and that’s not dylan’s fault. he’s not parading women in her face. he’s not comparing her to exes. she’s inflicting all this emotional pain on herself. that’s what she gets.

Leggs

November 8th, 2013
9:46 am

Holly was insecure before seeing those pictures. IMO. – I tend to agree.

disco

November 8th, 2013
9:48 am

hey reio – you see I done already told holly to sit down somewhere.

so… what’s been going on up in this camp?

hey leggs!!! – whatcha reading?

Leggs

November 8th, 2013
9:48 am

Donell ~ I’m just saying, for me, it’s cruel if a man intentionally leaves pics of ex around to be found. There’s a hidden agenda for doing that. Who knows what it might be. Many reasons why people get into relationships, not always for the betterment of each other.

Leggs

November 8th, 2013
9:50 am

disco ~ I’m not reading anything at the moment.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
9:52 am

disco – “hey reio – you see I done already told holly to sit down somewhere.”

Yeah, I stole it from you! Thanks.

disco

November 8th, 2013
10:03 am

well gee. I would come back when ain’t nobody got nothing to say. what’s up with that?

Donell

November 8th, 2013
10:04 am

What’s up Disco? I’m doing well, thank you. You’re absolutely right!

Leggs- I know you’re a woman but look at this from a man’s perspective no matter how harsh it may be. Lets say several months go by in a relationship and the woman in this case starts to become relaxed like the game is over and they’re married. I’m talking headrags, baggy pajamas etc and just a complete difference to the woman who initially attracted you. As a man, I might leave some photos out of pretty ex’s just so she knows it isn’t over. As a woman that will automatically ignite her competitive side. Some may call it emotional harm, I call it tough love. This could or could not be the case, but this situation is what came to thought after reading todays topic.

2CPTG©

November 8th, 2013
10:04 am

sometimes I think Diva be lyin’ bout these letters…..cause I know good and damn well these “readers” really ain’t trynna hear what we got to say, cause if so, they’d chime in……

but anyway, I’ll tickle today’s topic……I wish a chic would compare me to an ex…..be like, then why ain’t you with the nikka, then? If dude was all that, then you’d still be wit his ass, but since you ain’t…..then either STFU, or get on board…see the minute a chic compares me to someone else, I’mma flip the script; straight going in on her……

Celisea

November 8th, 2013
10:06 am

Of all the 10’s I’ve ever met, the vast majority of them are completely intolerable personalities. Few exceptions. Ol boy probably just grew weary of the beeyotches and went for a normal girl this time.

I was sorting thinking like this

Anyhoo, this is the reverse of this chicks that ain’t booed, but looking at your man asking what he sees in her. Apparently something he don’t see in you!!! lolol Honestly, I don’t think dudes look out at a so so chick and wonder like women cause usually they get the dynamics of relating annnnd, what they find beautiful or attractive most times ain’t what women see or compare. Don’t get me wrong, men like attractiveness, it’s just not gon be measured or compared….it’s what they like and guud with.

Celisea

November 8th, 2013
10:09 am

I’m talking headrags, baggy pajamas etc and just a complete difference to the woman who initially attracted you. As a man, I might leave some photos out of pretty ex’s just so she knows it isn’t over.

Imma be as polite as possible cause we’re having a discussion and everyone is entitled to their belief or opinion, but if a dude does some pretty mess like that, RATHER than be a man about it and ask me to tighten up, Imma need to move on. Period, point blank.

Donell

November 8th, 2013
10:17 am

Celisea- I’ll admit, I have some unconventional ways of thinking but that was the situation that came to thought. You wouldn’t be offended if your dude asked you to tighten it up because he was getting bored? I also agree that people ahould do what’s best for them. So, if you felt you needed to leave… do what you gotta do.

disco

November 8th, 2013
10:22 am

D – just the other day I looked at my “headrag” and realized I’d had it for something like 15 years. I always think about getting a new one but me and my headrag go way back. lol.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
10:30 am

What my lady wears around the house seems kinda silly to even mention. IMO. She’s relaxed. Comfortable. Secure. Sounds good to me. Within the home setting? Not a problem for me.

Donell

November 8th, 2013
10:34 am

Disco- 15 yrs? You gotta do better! Lol

Reio- are you and your lady married or in the monthly phase of dating?

daddy swiss

November 8th, 2013
10:36 am

I don’t understand the problem with the bandana/do-rag/whatever? Mrs. Swiss wears one to bed every night, but it’s never made me any less horny… IJS. Actually, I think it’s kinda cute.

Reio

November 8th, 2013
10:37 am

Donell – I’m married.

disco

November 8th, 2013
10:39 am

donnell – I know it sounds bad but if you poll some women you will find that quite a few have a headrag that they’ve had for a very long time. lol.

swiss – I think I can get away with my headrag but if I break out the bonnet I probably can’t get no love. lol.

YesSheIsCute

November 8th, 2013
10:39 am

@2C the readers aren’t going to chime in because y’all don’t hold any punches :lol: I’d much rather have the “you don’t dress up like you used to” conversation than strategically placed pictures.

Celisea

November 8th, 2013
10:42 am

You wouldn’t be offended if your dude asked you to tighten it up because he was getting bored?

Donnell – I’m okay having those types of talks, depending on the delivery. Now dude can’t be all crass and disrespectful and putting me down…we gon’ have a problem there…lol But yes, I’m open to that cause believe me, if he’s getting sloppy, we gon have the same type chat.

YesSheIsCute

November 8th, 2013
10:42 am

@disco I have a pink head rag that has runs, snags and all. That thing is so old, I couldn’t even tell you how long I’ve had that rag. I wanna say at least since 2004/5.

disco

November 8th, 2013
10:45 am

yes – well then I win. lol. I’ve had mine since around 1999. if do-rags could talk. lol.

2CPTG©

November 8th, 2013
10:49 am

Cutie, strategically placing pictures, and all that jazz, is a punk move….hell, you got something to say, get it off ya chest, don’t beat around the bush……shiiid, if you think yo lady has gained too much weight, tell her….laying out magazines pics of skinny broads ain’t gon help….plus, she’ll have more respect for you as a man….

Celisea

November 8th, 2013
10:50 am

If a dude get’s bored, I don’t really thing the headrag is the issue.

Most black women will do something to their hair at night. We can’t just sleep on it and shake it together in the morning. We have to nurture and take care of it….if we want healthy hair. Sleeping on your hair usually means flat ironing or hot curling, which is detrimental over a period of time.

kimmie

November 8th, 2013
10:51 am

Morning Gang!

My mom told us growing up there will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer, etc. Strive to be the best you you can be. Dylan may not have “strategically” placed the pics, but he didn’t make sure they were tucked away either. I do think too many folks are focusing on whether she was snooping or not. That’s another topic we’ve discussed 1000 times on here. Anyway, Holly needs to focus on the fact that they are exes, and exes for a reason. Obviously she brings something to the table that Dylan likes. Holly just try to be confident in yourself and what you have to offer. Folks talking bout Holly might need to tighten up – is Dylan tight himself? Has he let himself go? Has his bedroom game gotten wack but he’s trying to put it off on Holly? Just sayin’

My husband’s late wife set the bar high. She was attractive and very smart(an engineer) making 6 figures, bore 2 beautiful children and had excellent taste. Now I could have let that intimidate me. In fact, one of my close friends said she could not have dealt with it. But I am confident in what I bring to the table as well. I’m no slouch either. He and the children love what I have to offer & that’s all that matters.