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Why does sex change things?

My friend Brooke wants to do a dating do over. She wants to go back in time before she and her guy decided to become intimate. There has been a change in his attitude towards her and she thinks it is because they had sex. He isn’t as attentive or affectionate and he acts kind of distant towards her at times. Now she wonders if they had sex too soon at three months.

Why does sex sometimes change the dynamics in a relationship?

Do you believe that the way men and women view sex in a relationship differs? In a new relationship, how do you know if it is the right time to get physical?

If things change after sex, would you break things off?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

211 comments Add your comment

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
6:06 am

Why does sex sometimes change the dynamics in a relationship?

..well,its a little complicated…

For one,if the sex is bad and the sex chemistry is not there..it seems only logical to end the relationship unless the couple is open to a real discussion on the subject….and some dont like to discuss that..so that changes things.

Certainly,if the sex is offf da chain,its a cap in the girl feather because dude will want to stick around a lil longer or much longer,depending ofcourse on other thangs…

Now,us dudes wish we could All hunch and KIM without women feeling somekindaway bout it..but u know how that goes.

And some of yall have this thing that if you are starting out and dude hunches,somehow he has signed some contractual agreement of some sort which obligates him to do abcd….i have heard the question,”so why did u hunch me?” in my past,because chic thought i acted outa line by doing abcd or benching her…..uall know whatimtalkingbout!

And Brooke is certainly feeling like some wind is blowing inside of her because she had sex…see,this is what happens when u are overly analytical bout things…..she needs to hunch,wipe and go make him some samwich or something without thinking too much or none at all bout “effects” of him hunching her.
In my own opinion,All she need to ask is,”was it good baby?”..and wait for his response….not all that other low self esteem introspection and psycho analysis! If he says it was bad,make it a point to work and improve her craft! :lol:

And ladies,if u too hard to be got, sometimes u set urself up for his shenanegans as well…because for me,if u act that way, im more determined to hit it..at least find out what it is bout yours….it kinda hurts when its “meh” and u spend a lot of time chasing that skirt!

If things change after sex, would you break things off?

..ofcourse,makes sense…

I know some chics will think this is ‘SLASH THE TYRES TIME” or “BRICK TIME” .but u know,u gotta know who u dealing with. :lol:

and men,please..sex aint all that..so stop chasing them for That!

Good morning MIA!

Lee

November 6th, 2013
7:18 am

hmm Ex is right sex aint all that…if women went by how a man preformed in the bed 99% would not be married they would be sitting home knitting or something “god i wish she would call” Lol

Sex is a physical act some do well, others do not.. just like sports some can play others just need to sit down doesn’t mean that you dont try to do better to some it just comes more natural.

Alright enough messing around… good day to all!

Single and Happy

November 6th, 2013
7:47 am

Hey all

It’s like AT&T, “It’s not that complicated”. Sex changes things when that is the prize that you were wooing for, it doesn’t matter if it was 1 minute or 1 year! When you’re really into the person even it’s bad sex, you’re willing to work with them to try and make it better! But it diffidently won’t change the way you treat them

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
7:58 am

if women went by how a man preformed in the bed 99% would not be married they would be sitting at home knitting….

so ur man is bad in bed..pretty much..thats what u saying Lee?..

Miss Moni

November 6th, 2013
8:13 am

GOOD Wednesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

I agree with Single in that “It’s not that complicated”.

I’m going to bring up that word again that some people frown upon but is truly the meat and potatoes of what it comes down to: RESPONSIBILITY!!! Be upfront about what you want/require from your NEW relationship. If you ONLY want sex then say that, if you want the WHOLE package then say that as well. If your mate doesn’t want the same thing you want then you have the CHOICE to keep it moving to the one who does.

Keep the cookie in the cookie jar until they SHOW you that they are REAL about you. For me, that will be once we say “I Do” complete with a marriage license!!! ;-)

YesSheIsCute

November 6th, 2013
8:33 am

Good morning. I don’t think it’s that complicated. If he is into you then his attitude shouldn’t change after that. Especially after 3 months. If he’s acting different it sounds like that’s all he was after.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 6th, 2013
9:01 am

Sex only changes things if you want it to.

Mind blowing, bad, quick, or sloppy sex – doesn’t matter. If either party sets the expectation and changes, or doesn’t set the expectation at all, then that’s on that person.

In the end, sex is at once the biggest and most minor issue in a relationship. Sex can ruin a relationship, but it really only enhances the existing relationship.

But it is – like life – what you make it.

Good morning

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
9:06 am

Sex changes things because it’s intended to be had between a husband and a wife. Now while we all have likely not kept with that, Mmeello’s post is evident of why women especially, should value their bodies, their temples. If you don’t most men (not my boo :) ) dang shole won’t.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 6th, 2013
9:08 am

As for what happens when sex changes things, I’m of the opinion that it may take a few times to be sure…#BWIM

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 6th, 2013
9:12 am

A the father of a daughter, the point is to make the best decision with the “temple”; based on the information you have at hand.

DuShawn

November 6th, 2013
9:14 am

“because they had sex. He isn’t as attentive or affectionate…..” I got what I wanted…….Now, act like Michael Jackson…… and beat it!

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
9:23 am

Sex changes things for 2 reasons.

1. Sex changes things for women due to the curse that God put on woman in the beginning for her” desire to be for her husband”. It’s a woman’s hormonal, emotional and chemical make-up to “catch feelings” with the man that she bonds with. That man is supposed to be her husband but we all know sex is had outside of marriage however that does not change what is meant to be. Emotionally that is.

2. Sex changes things for men mainly when that is all men pretty want from a woman most times. He will wine and dine her (that’s that attention and affection Wise Diva mentioned up thread) to get what he is after. Oftentimes from there he becomes no longer interested. Or maybe I should say less interested.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
9:23 am

DuShawn, exactly.

MsAtl

November 6th, 2013
9:38 am

Morning All!

I agree that Sex shouldn’t change things, unless that was all the man wanted. If he does change after that, it is time for him to go and time for me to pay closer attention next time. I won’t say three months is too soon because people have to do what works for them. Yes, I believe men and women view sex differently. I know I do. For some men, it is like ketchup; they just want to put it on everything. I view it more like Grey Poupon, to be spread sparingly.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
9:41 am

Morning all!

You know, this is something that has always baffeled me. And I suppose it’s got something to do with genetics. One thing we know is that men and women tend to view sex differently. Can’t speak for all men, but I get the sense that for us(most of us) it’s not an expression of love. It’s an act. period.

Putting a sock on my left foot? An act. Going to ‘Home Depot’ to buy a ceiling fan? An act. Calling my mother to see how she is doing and hear her voice? An act. Getting intimate with my lady/wife? An act. Simple(to most guys). Nothing is read into it. Nothing is implied. Just sex. Popping popcorn in the microwave? An act. It’s biological. That’s primarily why guys would very much rather not cuddle after sex, cause, we’re done. No need to cuddle. Get away from me. Leave me alone. It’s not that I don’t love you or care about you, but what we just did? was just an act. Just something we did. Just something I hope we will continue to do. But it was nothing more than that. For us it’s simple.
Ever wonder why little boys, toddlers, hate to be picked up and held, kissed, hugged? Biology. Just not something that comes naturally to males. Ever wonder why men tend to want to get right to it, rather than spend ANY time with foreplay? Biology. Let’s just do it, and get it over with. Got nothing to do with how much I love or care about you at all. Just biology. Men foreplay and give you gifts and trinkets cause they know that is what you want and expect. But given the choice, we’d just as well do without that part of it. The big mistake women make is associating sex with love. Something men never do.

Donell

November 6th, 2013
9:58 am

Sex does complicate things if you’re dealing with a sexually complicated woman. See, as soon as I found out ole Brooke was waiting a certain time period for sex, I would’ve said my farewell. If you’re a hit and run/non committed type of guy, that’s the kind of women you need to pursue to avoid sticky situations like this. Leave the nice girls for the nice guys who rather sit and talk. In my opinion, its corny…. Its plenty of fine women down for the no strings attached fling. I prefer not to mess the good ones up because I’ll need one…. one day. My opinion…

Reio

November 6th, 2013
10:08 am

“All men are dogs”, “All they want is sex.”, “All they think about is sex.”, “Always tryna put the moves on women.”

Well, let’s think about those statements for a bit. Why do women say this? For what possible reason/reasons would a woman say this, or, hearing another woman say it, agree with it?

Well, it’s simple. Because it’s true. And our actions, with respect to this subject would indicate that these statements are true. The degree to which it’s true varies from man to man, but, essentially, it’s true for all of us. Remove the sex? No relationship. Remove the sex(intentionally)? No marriage. So, to the average guy, it becomes just a part of life. Something we do. Like locking you car door when you get out of it. Just something that’s done. Got nothing to do with love at all.

We don’t want to have sex with you cause we love you, we want to have sex with you, cause we want to have sex with you. Period. Love never enters into it.

Here’s another thing. Brooke and this guy may have waited 3 months to become intimate. But I guarantee you, this guy did not wait 3 months to have sex. He was screwing someone else, while waiting on Brooke to spread HER legs. No man will wait 3 months for sex unless he’s getting it elsewhere. Hell, 3 months? That’s a whole summer. No way in hell. Jus sayin.

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
10:10 am

morning….

Sex doesn’t complicate anything….people do…

and I’m sorry, if ya sex game is whack, yeah, it will cause one to act differently towards you; and it goes both ways….now, if y’all diggin one another, then y’all can discuss the shortcomings, but if you’re not, then chalk it up as an L….or, an O, if you got it in!

YesSheIsCute

November 6th, 2013
10:10 am

Wow Reio… wow.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
10:14 am

“Wow”? “Wow” What?

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
10:16 am

No man will wait 3 months for sex unless he’s getting it elsewhere. Hell, 3 months? That’s a whole summer. No way in hell.

That, my man, is a true statement!

Button

November 6th, 2013
10:18 am

hmm very interesting. It could be a hit and run type of situation but it could be that they were not compatible in the bedroom. His expectations were not met and he’s deciding to jump ship. He’s withdrawing maybe bc he want her to get the clue and move on without hurting her feelings. Most men are wired that way. Brooke should cut her ties and move on and charge it to the game. Some men will not walk away so easily but give it another try esp if it was the first time and he want a relationship with the woman. The guy is a jerk plain and simple.

Happy Hump Day!

abc

November 6th, 2013
10:19 am

Things SHOULD change after sex. It’s a special form of intimacy that, if it has no impact or negative impact on the relationship, should be considered a definite red flag, i.e., you have made a mistake. Run, don’t walk, away.

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
10:19 am

Funny, all the men posts are starting to sound the same…lololol

POINT TAKEN!!! Not agreed, but taken….gheesh

Button

November 6th, 2013
10:20 am

Reio – there are some men that will wait, albeit that the numbers are low but still…..

Not to throw it all on the man but there are some women that have walked away after schex also.

YesSheIsCute

November 6th, 2013
10:22 am

So @2C and @Reio you don’t think a guy could be celibate? (without sex for a long time)?

abc

November 6th, 2013
10:22 am

I’d say that after 3 months, if you don’t know where the thing is going, you’re either not paying attention, or the thing is going nowhere.

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
10:23 am

Annnnd with just a hint of moistness, if I might add…lololol.

If you presribe to wanting to just do the act and that’s all and want to feel okay about that, then do you. Everybody though (I said most earlier), don’t prescribe to the lowdown and dirty. There are still some good cats out there.

Also, in my experience, most dudes that wanna hit and that’s all, wanna split the tab, wanna count how many times they had to pay, blah blah blah, boo hoo hoo…just making this whole beautiful love thang different need to grow up….of course just IMO and experience.

Grown men ain’t tryna hit it and quit it! Trust!

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
10:25 am

whole beautiful love than difficult…is what I meant.

Button

November 6th, 2013
10:26 am

Why does sex sometimes change the dynamics in a relationship? bc some ppl are immature. they go in expecting one thing and when it doens’t go that way they are disappointed and they leave/change. They’re going for schex with no feelings for other person, they just want to see “what ya working wit” with no interest in having a fulfilling relationship. Feelings are out of the picture. That’s why for me was always good to wait to see if there is anything more solid other than getting ya groove on.

abc

November 6th, 2013
10:26 am

I think all men can agree with Reio at least to some extent, but I think that (for men that have experienced it) such intimacy with a woman you’re in love with is a lot better. In fact, I’d say without the love, the aspect of ’strange’ wears off rather quickly, and leaves a man looking for more strange; but the aspect of love is what keeps you with just that one. I like having just the one better.

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
10:26 am

Talk folks,u got the floor !! :lol:

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
10:28 am

Cutie….wait for what? see, here’s the contradition in this, weren’t you just saying a few topics ago how you wanted a dude to be exclusive with you, sooner rather than later, yet, you wanna wait before getting intimate? You want the bf/gf ” title, but not the bf/gf “stuff” that goes with it?

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
10:28 am

That’s why for me was always good to wait to see if there is anything more solid other than getting ya groove on

Worth repeating (ain’t that how y’all say it) :mrgreen:

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
10:29 am

“but I think that (for men that have experienced it) such intimacy with a woman you’re in love with is a lot better.”

Alphabet Man, that statement right there ^ is why I like you.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
10:31 am

“So @2C and @Reio you don’t think a guy could be celibate? (without sex for a long time)?”

Most men can. But not in a relationship.

In other words, if we are not in a relationship, and we don’t have a ‘no strings attached chick’ to fall back on, we HAVE to wait(masturbate, I guess). But if we ARE in a relationship?, no, we won’t wait a long time. Ain’t gonna happen. Sorry.

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
10:32 am

Good morning everyone!

Men and women are just wired differently, like Raqi said. It is all in divine order. I think sometimes men wish that women could be like they are when it comes to sex, where it’s just an act like going to the bathroom. Yes, there are some women that are wired that way, no strings just get up and go after. Not many are really able to roll like that. I know I wasn’t able. I never had a problem recognizing that about myself. We women are the gatekeepers. It’s a beautiful thing.

The biggest lesson a woman has to learn, the biggest one we need to teach our daughters, is to protect our hearts. Be equipped to deal with the emotional part that comes with sex. Birth control, STD’s, all that is easy to grasp. But is she going to be able to deal with that first time that she shares her body and her heart with a man(boy) only to have him start acting indifferent toward her? That’s tough for some to grasp. I appreciate my mother’s frankness when it came to such. I knew early on to not get too clingy afterwards. A few of my first boyfriends would wait a few days after we did it the 1st time, to eff with my mind. One even told me as much. I was cool. I didn’t sit by the phone, just went on about my business. Being armed with this type of knowledge is the only way to combat the male attitude on sex, fully displayed here on the blog today.

The best Brooke could do is wean herself away from dude, pull away. I’m assuming we are talking about grown folks here. Either he gets his ish together, or go on to the chick Reio said he was effing those 3 months.

Button

November 6th, 2013
10:33 am

abc – very well SAID!!!! by far the best comment from the male pov the whole time I’ve read this blog.

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
10:34 am

So Reio is basically subtlety nurging the gals to quit with the 3 month celibate rule…

So will the ladies be hunching somebody else as well?

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
10:36 am

Button – I agree, sounds like a lot of immaturity.

abc – Agree about the intimacy. That’s what alot are missing.

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
10:39 am

I wish Disco were here!

This topic is for her…..

she got no problem leaving a dude coz he aint bringing it! :lol:

Reio

November 6th, 2013
10:39 am

If this is any consolation to you women, I’ll offer this.

The younger, more immature, and less experienced a man is, the more likely he is to be this narrowly focused.

Older, more mature, more experienced guys, learn, over time, that love is a truly wonderful thing. A woman, any woman, if she is the right one, can cause him to see this. Cause him to finally realize that , while being intimate FEELS good, having a woman that you care for and love, IS good. And an experience in life that can NEVER be trumped by sex.

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
10:43 am

The younger, more immature, and less experienced a man is, the more likely he is to be this narrowly focused.

Reio – While I basically agree with this, can’t always charge it to youth. My hubs coworker(35) and his college buddy & his cousin (both mid 40’s) that came over a few weeks ago had the same narrow mindset. He actually could not believe it & said he now understands alot of women’s complaints.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
10:48 am

“While I basically agree with this, can’t always charge it to youth.”

Well, yeah. Many men go their entire lives living with this mindset. Never learn. My father was one of them. Went to his grave living like this. But, for the most part, younger men are more prone to this foolishness than older fellas. Jus sayin.

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
10:49 am

@Kimmie..if a man likes to be in a relationship(boyfriend_girlfriend) but not marriage,is he immature?

A lot of women wld rather marry,longterm than be in a ‘meaningless longterm relationship’.

So it is a conundrum if a guy does bot want to marry but likes a relationship. They end up being labeled horn dogs when in actuality all they don’t want is marriage.
Most women consider it being strung along when they are in a dead end long term relationship with a ‘no marriage’ guy.

Miss Moni

November 6th, 2013
10:55 am

In the words of Trey Songz: “Sex AIN’T better than LOVE!!!” However, you must have had to experience LOVE in order to KNOW that!!!

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
10:56 am

‘I prefer not to mess the good ones ..I’ll need one.. one day’

@Donel..that’s dirty,low down, honesty! :lol:

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
10:57 am

y’all ladies are funny….it’s immature to not wait 3 months for sex, but when speaking of exclusivity, that should be done when “it feels right”?

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
10:57 am

@MsMoni..love endures

Sex is for instant effect.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
11:01 am

A bit of advice for those with younger daughters (adolescents, teens, younger adults).

If you are wondering whether they are being intimate, here’s a clue.
Suppose they start dating/talking around, let’s say, April 11th. They go out, talk on the phone, he stops by from time to time….If by May 20th, he is still coming around? you can bet they are intimate.
Certainly by June 11th, if he is still in the picture, you’d better believe that he has her in a kneeling position on her knees, across the coffee table, while he crouches behind, her across the same coffee table. Fo sho.