accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Why does sex change things?

My friend Brooke wants to do a dating do over. She wants to go back in time before she and her guy decided to become intimate. There has been a change in his attitude towards her and she thinks it is because they had sex. He isn’t as attentive or affectionate and he acts kind of distant towards her at times. Now she wonders if they had sex too soon at three months.

Why does sex sometimes change the dynamics in a relationship?

Do you believe that the way men and women view sex in a relationship differs? In a new relationship, how do you know if it is the right time to get physical?

If things change after sex, would you break things off?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

211 comments Add your comment

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
11:06 am

..if a man likes to be in a relationship(boyfriend_girlfriend) but not marriage,is he immature?

Exiled – No, but it depends. I recognize that marriage is not for everyone. In fact, there are some that just should not get married or procreate because they make horrible spouses and parents. But just because one doesn’t want to marry it doesn’t mean they should forgo close relationships. The key is being honest with themselves and the person they deal with up front. Where it goes into immaturity is when a guy is not honest and dangles the “possibility” that he “might” be open to it marriage when he’s really not. Be a man and be upfront about it. If that’s not for her she can decide what she wants to do. Also, and I know some won’t agree with me, but if he tells her that and ever gets the feeling she’s just going along hoping he will change his mind, the honorable thing is to walk away. Save both of you the feeling of resentment.

Most women consider it being strung along when they are in a dead end long term relationship with a ‘no marriage’ guy.

If he’s told you it’s not for him, she’s only got herself to blame. If he’s given her any indication at all that he’ll change his mind, yeah she’s being strung along. Everyone has to do what’s best for themselves and have the strength to recognize a dead end situation. Tell him, like I’ve told men in the past, that while I respect that marriage might not be something he wants, it is something I want. Since we are not on the same page and working toward the same thing, I have to move on. No hard feelings. A lot were decent guys, just not for me. I never wanted to be a perpetual girlfriend.

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
11:12 am

….it’s immature to not wait 3 months for sex, but when speaking of exclusivity, that should be done when “it feels right”?

2C – Sex should be when it feels right also, in my opinion. One shouldn’t really need an arbitrary amount of time, like in Steve Harvey’s book. I think what most might be saying is that it’s immature of the guy to not be able to wait 3 months if that’s when it felt right for the woman.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
11:18 am

“I think what most might be saying is that it’s immature of the guy to not be able to wait 3 months if that’s when it felt right for the woman.”

It’s not immature. It’s biology. NO man will wait 3 months. Not while in a relationship.

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:22 am

It’s not immature. It’s biology. NO man will wait 3 months. Not while in a relationship.

Ummm, the kid’s dad waited….no less than 3 months and that went what 7 years or so. ANNND I had to beat him off me still. Silky went 6 months.

Some of this stuff y’all are spewing would be misleading and make a woman run for the hills IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER MYSELF. There are men that wait. And I’m not talking the long haul brother.

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
11:23 am

how can you even call it a “relationship” if you want the dude to wait? And, if the feeling isn’t there for sex, how is it there for a relationship? doesn’t add up.

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
11:26 am

2C…3 months is a loooong long time for a dude to be going outa pocket with No guarantees at the end…lernch,dinners,dranks etc….

..and dude better act ‘right’,like he got it..fiancing errthing….otherwise she leaves.:lol:

Dudes got no break fo real

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:26 am

And I’ll add, I’ve not dilly dallied with any dude, cause I don’t believe in “wasting” myself. FTR, I’ve never gone under 3 months. Guess it just depends on the breed of man you’re dealing with.

But, I digress…

Miss Moni

November 6th, 2013
11:26 am

-Ex In reference to your 10:57, EXACTLY!!! :-D

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:27 am

The feeling is there for sex, folks just ain’t animals. YOU CAN WAIT!! IJS Not even from a religious, saved, etc perspective. Get to know a person. What is the harm? If a dude ain’t willing for you to get to know him, to feel comfortable going into such an intimate act, on a serious note, he needs to be shown the door.

Button

November 6th, 2013
11:28 am

2C- ever heard of a schexless relationship? there is such a thing. Do you have schex in all your relationships? I’m talking non exclusive relationship?

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
11:28 am

Cel – I know better too. But hey, shrugs

Reio – Using Brooke as the example case, if dude was indeed getting some from his bootycall/FWB chick during those 3 months, how do you explain the change in his behavior? I mean, if a guy is still getting it on the regular until his main lady decides she’s ready, all should be good with his attitude, right? :wink:

Reio

November 6th, 2013
11:30 am

Let me put it this way.

As much as I knew that I loved and cared for my, then girlfriend, wife, we would not be married today, had she made me wait for 3 months. I loved her (and knew it), I cared for her (and knew it), but if she had not given it up, I would have given her the boot and moved on. As much as i hate to say it, cause I’m as bout as happy as a man could be with her. We got married primarily cause we loved each other, she accepted my proposal, AND she gave up the goodies in, what I thought, was an adequate amount of time. Otherwise, there would not have been a relationship, thus no proposal, thus no acceptance of said proposal, thus no marriage, thus no true joy, happiness, and tranquility, as a result.

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:30 am

Kimmie – I’m so done…lolol Glad you get it. I feel sorry for those, still at this age going along with some mess school age boys live/go by. There is just sooo many layers to peel back (and enjoy doing) when you’re dealing with a real man. None of this “you better gimme some or else.” Seriously??

Like Lady would say…..DEAD…lololol

Exiled

November 6th, 2013
11:33 am

3 months rule is a trick…

Because if dude has to wait 3 months or longer,it feels like a relationship

So when sex finally happens…dude kinda feels a psychological obligation to stay even if the sex was that bad!

It’s a trick! :lol:

Let’s do the do Now!….if it feels good after it…there maybe something there.

If not,no loss for anybody…u blaze me,I blaze u!

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:34 am

but if she had not given it up, I would have given her the boot and moved on

And that’s you and how y’all operated and what worked for y’all. That’s not to say though, that’s how it should go for others. That’s not to say it’s wrong if others don’t do it that way. Sorry you are or was impatient.

That’s a trait that some possess better than others. Just do what works for you and don’t assume otherwise cause folks do differently.

Mrs. SexyCool

November 6th, 2013
11:35 am

I still stand by my 90 day rule as relates to keeping a handle on your emotions and guarding your heart over abstaining from the physical act.

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
11:36 am

Button, a sexless “relationship” is me hanging with my homies male, or female….if I’m in a “relationship” with my girl, da hell am I waiting on? I can understand the wait prior to the committment, but once we establish the relationship, then we should be all in……

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:37 am

You can walk up to me at a gas station and commit all in the same day. Getting to know a person is on a whole nuther level.

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
11:38 am

I’m gone to turn on Pandora….Lawd help

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
11:39 am

You menfolk don’t realize how barbaric you are making the male species look to say that a man cannot go 3 months without when he is actively pursuing a relationship with a woman. That’s just not true and misleading to our youth.

Because when you think about it how is “dating” someone and not having sex that much different than not dating and going without. It’s a choice. There are many, many people in the world that are going and have gone years without sex. And it’s not because they don’t have options, it’s because it is what they choose to do.

I hope you all are not teaching your daughters and sons that they should be giving it up within 3 months or else.

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
11:39 am

ain’t no relationship if there’s still stipulations after you’ve established the committment;

“you’re my man, but we’re not having sex….” da hell if I am!

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
11:41 am

Raqi, dating and abstaining is one thing, but a relationship and abstaining is something totally different.

Miss Moni

November 6th, 2013
11:42 am

“There are many, many people in the world that are going and have gone years without sex. And it’s not because they don’t have options, it’s because it is what they choose to do.”

Raqi is EXACTLY right about this, I am one of those many people!!! :-D

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
11:46 am

Reio – With me, it’s always been when it felt right and how quickly a man made me feel comfortable going there. It was always an organic thing, especially as I got older. Some were quicker at making me comfortable than others. But there was no arbirtrary number of days I had to wait. And I’m not a tease, letting things get hot & heavy knowing it was not going any further. We had a meeting of the minds and when it was on, it was on!

One of my hubs friends that I mentioned earlier – one guy said if a woman didn’t give it up on the 1 or 2 date, there would be no 3rd. Yet he claims he’s looking for a serious relationship! My hubs told him to be real, most times he’s bored even if she does, he never gets to date 3. He told my hubs he was right.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
11:46 am

2Can, how is it different? It’s a choice. I would hope you are mature enough to be in the presence of a woman for a length of time and contain your horniness.

Yeah the desire to have sex is there when the opposite sex interacts but as we get older we learn discipline. And withholding is not a game or some type of jedi mind games. It’s a personal choice.
It’s sad to even imagine that a woman that is not wanting to lay with a man after only 3 short months is viewed as not worth your time.

We are not animals.

YesSheIsCute

November 6th, 2013
11:49 am

@2c and @Reio I was just asking because I met a guy who said that he had been celibate for quite some time. So from your perspective I wanted to know if you felt that was possible.

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
11:52 am

how is it different? It’s a choice. I would hope you are mature enough to be in the presence of a woman for a length of time and contain your horniness.

Of course, because we’re trying to see if we’re a fit for one another……but once we establish the committment (operative word here), then what are we waiting on? you abstain during the dating phase…..which can take more than 3 months; But after you’ve vetted, and weeded out the rigamarole, what else are you waiting on? You can call him your man because he’s met the requirements, but yet, you still have some sontemplating to do?????? how?

Mrs. SexyCool

November 6th, 2013
11:54 am

Hey ROCK!!!!!!!

(over here, jumping up and down and waving like Celie)

I truly miss you, ma’am.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
11:54 am

And for you menfolk that cannot abstain how do you or would you handle being in an actual marriage or relationship and life presence a situation where the sex has to be cutoff for a couple of months or so.

Do you go get it elsewhere and cheat? Seeing that you are incapable of going without? I would hope not.

Getting it regularly and having it put on hold for an extended length of time is a much more difficult situation than waiting when pursuing a new relationship.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
11:55 am

Hey SexyCool!!!!!! We finally bumped into each other. How is going, Mrs?

Button

November 6th, 2013
11:55 am

The guys except for abc are all horny dogs, they want it and they want it NOW! so self disciple, no self respect.

Button

November 6th, 2013
11:56 am

no self respect not so self

kimmie

November 6th, 2013
11:58 am

2C – I’m confused as to what your definition of a commitment or a relationship is. Are you saying no holding out once you’ve decided to be exclusive(committed)? You seem kinda all over the place with this.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
11:58 am

For those of you that are still dating, or expect to date in the future. This is true for, just based on my own experience, with no scientific data to back it up, about 97% of men.

In a relationship? Make us wait for a period of time that WE decide is too long? We’re out the door.
Oh, we may not tell YOU this, hell, we may even keep coming around to make you think we are waiting, but the unspoken truth will be, that we are getting it elsewhere. For us? 3 months is entirely too long to wait. Sure, there are guys that will. No disputing that. But, 97% of guys won’t. Just won’t. And that’s the truth. We can go years “without”, if not in a relationship, or in a marriage where, for medical reasons perhaps, the partner is unable. But in a dating relationship? No way in hell.

“It’s sad to even imagine that a woman that is not wanting to lay with a man after only 3 short months is viewed as not worth your time.”

Sad? Perhaps. I don’t know. I DO know, however, that, for, in my estimation, 97% of men, 3 months is too long to wait, in a relationship. It just does not happen with any amount of regularity.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
11:58 am

“…but once we establish the commitment…”

2Can, the issue is for that woman it could take her six months to establish said commitment. Or even 9. Would you just count her as not worthy, when there are other things that you do love about her so far, just because she is not willing in the time frame you want?

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
12:01 pm

Button, that is incorrect……as Reio keeps stating…..Relationship!!! If we’re dating, of course there’s gonna be waiting, and reservations…..but afterwards??? No….and I keep asking, why establish the relationship if you’re still reserved?

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
12:03 pm

Reio, what if you wife took ill for 4 months and could give you sex? Cannot you wait then? Would you be compelled to get it outside of your marriage? 4 months is a long time to lay beside someone in bed every night and not have intimacy.

If you can wait then while laying beside a woman every night why can’t you wait for a woman that sleeps in a separate bed? That is if you can go without when your wife can’t give it to you.

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
12:03 pm

kimmie, I’m not all over the place…..if I deem a chic worthy of my time to date/court her, then of course I’m willing to wait on her…..but once we say we’re a couple, then there should be no hangups……

YesSheIsCute

November 6th, 2013
12:05 pm

Ok now I understand what you guys are saying. As far as the “why establish the relationship if you’re still reserved?” question, well, that’s why you have to ask the Channel 5 tough questions upfront that Reio asks which includes “how do you feel about premarital sex?”. If there are no reservations about premarital, and they feel that it is something they only do in committed exclusive relationships or whatever the case may be, then I can understand being baffled by the wait after you guys have already declared exclusivity/commitment.

However if they’ve already divulged that they don’t agree with premarital sex then at that point you have a decision to make? Is this the person for you or not?

disco

November 6th, 2013
12:05 pm

hey y’all. ex I see you called. lol. i’m kind of on “team man” today. all that emotional mumbo jumbo is just that. emotional mumbo jumbo. fortunately, the topic isn’t emotions, it’s sex. lol. as for 90 day rules. sounds good in theory but I would be UPSET if I waste 90 days only to find out dude has a small one or no stroke game at all. those 90 days are gone forever and I can’t get them back. lol.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
12:06 pm

“…and I keep asking, why establish the relationship if you’re still reserved?”

2Can, can I answer that?

Because YOU admitted to several years ago that sex is only a small part of all that a relationship entails. You wrote that admission. Maybe, just maybe said woman can only get pass her reservations AFTER having walked in a commitment to you over time.

See I do remember things. LOL

Reio

November 6th, 2013
12:08 pm

“The guys except for abc are all horny dogs, they want it and they want it NOW! so self disciple, no self respect.”

I ain’t abc, so, sounds like you’re talking about me.
So, go ahead, talk about me, laugh at me, put me down, poke fun at me……whatever you want.
But know this: If you are married? If you are in a committed relationship?, You are married or in a committed relationship because you gave it up within a timeframe that HE thought was adequate. Otherwise he would have walked. Moved on. Got it elsewhere. Hell.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
12:09 pm

And you know there are GROWN folks that endure 1-2 year engagements without having sex.

Besides marriage how much more committed can you get than actually promising marriage to a person?

Celisea

November 6th, 2013
12:09 pm

about 97% of men

Whew…Thankfully, my dude is in the other 3 percent :mrgreen:

2CPTG©

November 6th, 2013
12:09 pm

Raqi, that’s correct, sex ain’t my end all, be all….I’m simply saying, if we’re in a committed, exclusive (kimmie, follow me, sugar), relationship, there should be no reservations about if we’re gonna have sex….didn’t say it had to be like animals, but shouldn’t be any more reservations, either….

Reio

November 6th, 2013
12:13 pm

“2Can, the issue is for that woman it could take her six months to establish said commitment. Or even 9. Would you just count her as not worthy, when there are other things that you do love about her so far, just because she is not willing in the time frame you want?”

I’ll answer this with a simple “YES”.

3, 6, 9, monhs? In a relationship? Sure you jest.

MsAtl

November 6th, 2013
12:14 pm

Kimmie- “But there was no arbirtrary number of days I had to wait. And I’m not a tease, letting things get hot & heavy knowing it was not going any further. We had a meeting of the minds and when it was on, it was on!”
True! I don’t have a 90-day rule, but if it happens to work out that way, then so be it.

2C- I get what you are saying, you are distinguishing between being in an exclusive relationship and just dating. I agree, if you are exclusive, then you both have deemed each other worthy and feel you have gotten to know each other and hopefully gotten tested, so go ahead and move it along.

MrsSC- (I think it was you) I am running low on dish liquid and still waiting for my shipment. The shot glasses can go to Leggs, but I am low on Palmolive, lol.

Raqi

November 6th, 2013
12:15 pm

“…that’s correct, sex ain’t my end all, be all….I’m simply saying…”

2Can, okay. That reads so much better than the “I got to have it, I got to have it” sentiment that was earlier sensed.

Reio

November 6th, 2013
12:16 pm

“Whew…Thankfully, my dude is in the other 3 percent ”

He must to have been. Lucky you. Cause 97% of other guys would have hauled azz. Including me.

Miss Moni

November 6th, 2013
12:17 pm

Hey Disco! *Waving* I was wondering where you were. . .