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Before you get married..

Even though my friend Tim is engaged to be married, his band of brothers wasted no time grilling him about being truly ready. Apparently, a man is not truly ready for marriage unless he has done certain things, experienced certain people, and is clear about his mate selection.

When you have been single a long time, you probably don’t feel a lot of pressure to get things out of your system. I just have to ask, do we truly get things out of our system?

If you ever ask a married couple if there was anything they wish they had done before jumping the broom, what do you suppose they would say?

Do you think there are a few things you should do before you get married? If so, what about marriage impedes your freedom to do it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

119 comments Add your comment

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
7:56 am

Hey All

Apparently, a man is not truly ready for marriage unless he has done certain things, experienced certain people, and is clear about his mate selection. And they are right, and #1 on that list should be stop listening to “HIS BOYS!”

When you have been single a long time, you probably don’t feel a lot of pressure to get things out of your system. I just have to ask, do we truly get things out of our system? Nothing to get out of my system, and but I’ve never been married sooooooo.

Do you think there are a few things you should do before you get married? If so, what about marriage impedes your freedom to do it? Nope, marriage will just give me someone to enjoy them with!

Lee

November 5th, 2013
8:15 am

The grass is always greener on the other side, then you find out the all grass grows in dirt.

Single I agree marriage will give you someone to enjoy it with.

morning everyone

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
8:40 am

Lee, if you u use trugreen like they do, your grass would be greener also :-D

Exiled

November 5th, 2013
9:02 am

If you ever ask a married couple if there was anything they wish they had done before jumping the broom, what do you suppose they would say?

Me?

I wish i hadnt been Used by other women! :lol:

Dern it,I missed that juicy topic!

anyhoo, i hope those women who used me got some much needed experience…heehehe..( lol like Durty) :lol:

Hello MIA!

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
9:21 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

Do you think there are a few things you should do before you get married? Absolutely, however I’m speaking from the responsible perspective such as:
1) Live on your own (in order to have firsthand & realistic knowledge on how to run a house)!
2) Have a legit career!
3) Be as debt free as you can be (in order to have a GOOD credit score)!
4) Be the best person you can be before marrying someone else (dump as much baggage as possible)!

In reference to the above, when folks get married and 1 or more of those things are NOT in order then that definitely can & will cause problems for the couple.

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
9:24 am

-Lee/Single The grass looks greener because some married couples have ARTIFICIAL turf, things are not always what they APPEAR to be. . .

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
9:31 am

Miss Moni, on your 1 thru 4 now wouldn’t those things depend on the age at which you get married.

No it may not appear as they seem, but only keeping my grass green, not looking at theirs :-)

And be as debt free, guess I’ll never get married (LOL)

YesSheIsCute

November 5th, 2013
9:40 am

Good morning everyone! Looks like the really interesting topics always land on my off day (Mondays).

Anyway, I agree with SH, 1st and foremost stop listening to your boys or your friends who aren’t even married.

I’ve never asked any married couple if there was anything the wished to get out of their system before marriage. I couldn’t imagine anything other than tie up loose ends with a former flame that they never got closure on. Other than that, I imagine for men it would be something sexual in nature they never got to do……

Personally, I feel I need to live outside of the US one more time, do some more traveling, and really have experience in a career that I’m prepared for, capable in as well as love to do. After that I think I’m done doing what I need to do. I hope to have a partner that also likes to travel or has to travel for work, we’d be two peas in a pod and I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.

Raqi

November 5th, 2013
9:46 am

THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER WHERE YOU WATER IT! PERIOD.

Instead of looking over into someone else’s yard, try spending that time giving yours the attention and nurture that is needs to survive. If you neglect your own property allowing infestation and trash buildup to take place then yes your grass is going to look and be less appealing. And when you decide to jump the fence for the “greener” you will quickly hit with the facts of that grass to require maintenance. Or as the infamous Mrs.SexyCool has regularly stated “it’s not really grass at all.” Not the real deal. Plastic.

What many fail to realize is life comes with seasons. You have your hot and warm days as well as your cool and cold days. The grass must be managed accordingly.

So Water. Fertilize. Kill the weeds and bugs. Give it the attention it needs. Work with the choice you made and you will soon find that others will start to admire your turf.

And yes I am talking about your marriage/relationship.

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
9:50 am

“Miss Moni, on your 1 thru 4 now wouldn’t those things depend on the age at which you get married.”

-Single EXACTLY my point, some folks in 2013 just aren’t ready to get married so young. Get out and be an adult first and then get married.

Button

November 5th, 2013
9:50 am

Single I agree with what you said @stop listening to his boys!

Miss Moni you can have all those “responsible” stuff in order but it still doesn’t foul proof a marriage.

Good morning!

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
9:52 am

Great points Raqi!

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
9:54 am

-Button Never said that it does, to be totally honest nothing foul proofs a marriage. I was just answering the question that Diva asked.

Button

November 5th, 2013
9:54 am

Raqi you’re right on it!

Reio

November 5th, 2013
9:56 am

Morning all!

Well, I suppose that I wish that could have become my 6th grade teacher’s (Mrs. Tolbert) bycycle seat. Maybe for a day or so. On a Saturday, when she rode a lot. Jus sayin.

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
10:00 am

Miss Moni, some folks are never going to be ready, going to always be waiting on something to get just right (been accused of that) LOL My advice to anyone that wants to get married, go for it, don’t wait on the get right, you can always get them right together.

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
10:02 am

-Single So you do want to get married??? I always say do what works best for you. Some people will never get married simply because they don’t want to, LOL!!!

Donell

November 5th, 2013
10:06 am

Tims partners did the right thing. There are a lot of beautiful, angelic voiced and smooth ladies out here that’ll have some dudes weak in the knees and making crazy decisions. A lot of times your partners can see things that you can’t because you don’t want to or your judgement could be clouded for whatever reason. On the flip side, if there is nothing wrong and Tim does love his fiance’ wholeheartedly, he’ll shut the discussion of him and his fiance’ down immediately but I’m sure he appreciated the concern from his brothers.

I do believe we as men get most things out of our system.

I feel that whenever I do marry my queen, I’m gonna park my car and put my slippers on, so to speak. Shoulda, coulda and woulda hopefully won’t even be in my vocabulary.

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
10:07 am

Miss Moni, for me it’s not a matter of wanting to, If it happens, it happens. if it doesn’t, life goes on :-)

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
10:10 am

-Single Cool beans, do you! ;-)

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
10:12 am

Tims partners did the right thing.There are a lot of beautiful, angelic voiced and smooth ladies out here that’ll have some dudes weak in the knees and making crazy decisions. A lot of times your partners can see things that you can’t because you don’t want to or your judgement could be clouded for whatever reason Meanwhile Tim’s partners go out and marry women that he has doubts about and he’s left wondering what if?? you have to live YOUR life to make you happy, not your “PARTNERS”

Raqi

November 5th, 2013
10:13 am

Before you get married…Count up the cost and make sure you really do want to BE married.

Wanting to get married and Wanting to be married are two totally different animals.

A lot to people want to get married and all the hype that goes with it. But many discover that they do not want to be married after the fact. That’s why short-term marriages are at an all time high.

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
10:24 am

Raqi that’s what I call the plan, and my question is how are you going to react when the plan doesn’t go as you planned it, but as life planned it.

Raqi

November 5th, 2013
10:29 am

I really don’t buy into that “getting it out of your system” way of thinking. Either it’s who you are or not.

Chances are if it’s your desire to sample it once you are going to want to experience it again. So I don’t believe in the getting it out of your system thinking. However I do believe that we mature. When we live and grow our desires mature and development to where certain things we were once interested to find out about are no longer appealing.

And then that feeling of “unappealing no longer” can be the result of having had the experience and it not being what you thought or expected it to be. I will never say that is not the case. However I still say if it really is in your system, you are going to have to change your system in order to not be a repeat offender. That doesn’t happen that often.

MsAtl

November 5th, 2013
10:32 am

Morning All!

Single- Great response, re: stop listening to his boys. If someone says are you sure and your response is yes, end of discussion; don’t play twenty questions or try to dissuade them.

Moni- I actually agree with living on your own prior to marriage. Being completely debt-free may not be realistic.

I don’t think there is a list of things to “get out of your system” before marriage, however, reckless behavior and selfishness comes to mind because those things are not conducive to being in a relationship, much less a marriage.

O/T- Anyone else messed up from Daylight Saving Time???

Donell

November 5th, 2013
10:33 am

Single&Happy- You’re reading so deep into it, you completely missed it. I’m not saying live for your partners at all. At the end of the day, Tim is going to do what he wants but the talk with the fellas is somewhat therapeutic, in my opinion. Some friends have such a bond that they consider each other brothers. So why wouldn’t you talk to your brothers about such a life changing move and receive some feedback? Women sit with the bride and talk all the time before marriage but when men sit with the groom and chat it up, its referenced as “grilling” and “living for your partners”. Its a shame.

Raqi

November 5th, 2013
10:33 am

Single & Happy, things not going as we “planned” is life. What my years have taught me is either you adjust to life and make the most of it or you be miserable. Misery is not a choice.

There many things in my life that have come unexpectedly or different that what I wanted. At that point I chose to go ride the tide out or get off the boat.

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
10:36 am

-MsAtl I didn’t say completely debt free, I said be as debt free as you can. Basically, know how to live within your means and don’t let debt overtake you, instead you be in control of it. That’s all. :-)

2CPTG©

November 5th, 2013
10:38 am

before you get married?

hmm…..I say get it all outta the way…..and I agree with Moni, you should live on your own…although I thought that was a prerequisite..

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
10:40 am

Donnell, if it’s a life changing decision, I wouldn’t be talking to my brothers about, since it’s my life, I make a decision and stick by it. I used the boys because I was replying to you, but the same goes for the girls,

Raqi, you know how some people are, when life throw them a curve, instead of adjusting to it, they want to lay blame, and the blame usually goes to the one closest to you.

Button

November 5th, 2013
10:46 am

Here’s a little insert from Marriage isn’t for you – a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

Celisea

November 5th, 2013
10:46 am

However I still say if it really is in your system, you are going to have to change your system in order to not be a repeat offender. That doesn’t happen that often.

No truer words have been spoken. This was sort of my train of thought when I read Donnell’s comments yesterday re being exclusive and that it’s laughable unless you’re married. Exclusivity, getting married, being booed IMO is mostly based off of your character. So what, you jump in “oneness” upon speaking the vows? IMO, not so much. Just like vows won’t do it for some folks, they gon be who they are, on the flip side there are those that walk in it, well before saying the vows. So I’m guessing if you can’t be exclusive til after the I do’s, you ran around on your fiance until the day of the wedding…I guessing…and afterwards….lol and IJS

IMO today’s topic and the likes really comes down to character…either you have it, or you don’t. You won’t feel or succumb to being dissuaded, persuaded, coerced, talked down, talked into, etc etc etc. If you can be talked into it, it was there all along, if you can be dissuaded from doing it (the right thing), it was likely never there.

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
10:48 am

“and I agree with Moni, you should live on your own…although I thought that was a prerequisite.”

-2C You’d be surprised the amount of people who go straight from mama & daddy’s house to marriage, without ever living on their own first. I suppose it’s what you learn while you’re at mama & daddy’s house. If they are doing EVERYTHING for you, then that can be a HARD adjustment.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 5th, 2013
10:55 am

I’m of the opinion that if you can’t take/heed the advice of others, then you surely don’t know anything.

That said, advice – even from your single folks before you get married – should be run through a mental sive. Take what’s applicable, use what’s good and discard the rest.

At the end of the day, wanting to be married vs having a wedding is the single biggest and crucial point in that relationship.

To wit: if she’s only concerned about the wedding day (planning) and no one mentions the day after (payment), then that relationship is screwed from the door. Period.

Miss Moni

November 5th, 2013
10:56 am

“To wit: if she’s only concerned about the wedding day (planning) and no one mentions the day after (payment), then that relationship is screwed from the door. Period.”

-Dan BINGO!!!

Sassy Me

November 5th, 2013
11:00 am

Good morning :mrgreen:

I’ve never really considered getting married or having children. I like my situation the way it is now.

do we truly get things out of our system?

That’s a really good question. Some folks do and alot don’t…and therein lies the root of so many problems.

Exiled

November 5th, 2013
11:00 am

So Celisea..lemme ask u some since u talk bout morals,bible and all that…which is good by the way?

…are u and ur man celibate? U walking that walk to get married or that’s not in the works?

I hope u don’t mind..

See,many will say that’s private of which it is. But if u wanna ‘teach’,I’m sure u don’t mind.

And some will say,’we grown’ and we can go there.

Ummm,as far as I know bout the bible there is no ‘book of Grown’ :lol:

Single & Happy

November 5th, 2013
11:08 am

Dan when you listen to your future mate talk and that’s what’s important to them, then it’s all part of the plan.

Celisea

November 5th, 2013
11:13 am

MMeello – I have been waiting on that question since last year…from somebody, heck anybody. Let’s just say this, we have talked about marriage (member I mentioned on here before), on more than one occasion. We know in order to “be right”, marriage is in order….at least eventually. Can’t shack or outright lay up. When my kid moves (which will be soon), we can move forward with what we talked about.

Until such time, we have a system that works :)

Will that answer suffice?

kimmie

November 5th, 2013
11:20 am

Morning All!

I like a lot of what has already been said. I am kind of on the mindset that Raqi said, basically calling BS on the notion of “getting things out of your system”. If it’s in your system, it’s a big part of who you are and sampling it one time probably won’t make that urge go away.

As for Tim listening to his boys, I’m always for grown folks thinking for themselves at the end of the day. But if Tim was being THAT influenced by his boys, and his boys are not in committed relationships themselves and not trying to be, I doubt if Tim would be getting married in the first place. Or even was able to develop such a relationship to the point of marriage. He would be too busy hanging with his boys! So I think Tim is gonna be okay!

That whole notion of some women being more hung up on the wedding than the actual marriage – while no doubt it happens, I don’t think it’s as major a problem as people make it to be. If the woman is that caught up on material trappings, it would have manifested itself in other ways. Dude should already know what he is dealing with prior to proposing. Otherwise, what’s wrong with being excited about your wedding day? I was excited about mine. We both had done all of our “homework” before and knew each other well and had no delusions about what a marriage was.

Anything I still dream of doing I can still do with my husband.

2CPTG©

November 5th, 2013
11:23 am

Moni, my brother is one of those people that’snever lived on his own….he’s on his 3rd marriage, and everytime one failed, he went right back home……but he was a ti tty baby anyway….

YesSheIsCute

November 5th, 2013
11:24 am

I agree with everything Raqi has said. Very insightful.

Sassy Me

November 5th, 2013
11:24 am

Wise Diva,

Is there a reason I’m being moderated?

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 5th, 2013
11:27 am

If my future mate #BWIM was only concerned about the wedding date, and not the day after, they lost current status.

I’ve had plenty of those “what do you think about marriage, in general” discussions. Anytime I heard about the wedding and not how to pay for it, the convo went sideways quick

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 5th, 2013
11:34 am

@Kimmie

I’m not saying don’t be excited, I’m saying the ladies that grand champange plans on wine cooler budgets is one problem, but being more concerned about the event and not the day after (including payment) is another problem.

Issues about the fantasy vs the reality of marriage is at the root of it.

Sassy Me

November 5th, 2013
11:35 am

Okay guess I’ll try again later.

kimmie

November 5th, 2013
11:36 am

About this “getting things out of your system”, I do think a version of this should be undertaken as we become adults, not just prior to marriage. Like it or not, there is a optimal order of things in life, and while you can do things out of order and still be okay, problems can arise if you don’t.

There is nothing like leaving home to be on your own after high school. Whether you go to college, join the military or job training program, something. Then have a period to do what you want and be free and single, travel, party, whatever, before you take on major responsibilities. When you’re not able to do any of that and have to jump in early being a parent or marrying early, you always wonder “what if”.

kimmie

November 5th, 2013
11:41 am

Dan – I get what you’re saying, I just think too many limit the fantisizing to the actual wedding day. Even those that go over the top know it’s one day. There are folks that fantisize what married life is that get married at the courthouse. Alot think it’s a bed of roses and don’t understand it takes a certain mindset to be successful, compromise, sacrifice, selflessness, etc. Some of these same folks got married in the backyard!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 5th, 2013
11:43 am

Morning All

2CPTG – I thought living on your own was a prerequisite too but apparently its not!

Hey Mrs Raqi!! Long time no read….

Celisea

November 5th, 2013
11:45 am

When you’re not able to do any of that and have to jump in early being a parent or marrying early, you always wonder “what if”.

I’m sure most have things they didn’t get to do, for whatever reason. But I can attest to this, with age and maturity comes a change. For a bunch of stuff I wanted to do, but didn’t get around to it, most of those desires have dissipated, either to do having simply outgrown or being replaced with something more solid, something much better and fulfilling. So, for those things I didn’t get to do, for me, I don’t miss nor even think on anymore. I’m in a different place altogether.

Wants and needs and desires changes….for me they have. What was important is not so much not, what wasn’t, now has become significant. I remember talking to a younger brother and was just so turned off cause he was proud of where he went to school, still caught in the events and stuff. Well, for me that wasn’t impressive. Maybe 15 years or so ago, but not now.