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Dating: Are you being used?

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are skeptical about someone’s intentions, you should probably proceed with caution. Sometimes, people can be jerks and they want to get their own selfish needs met: sex, free meals, attention from anyone willing to give it.

The question is how do you know when you are being used and what do you do about it?

I have a friend who only seems to hear from a guy on Fridays. I know another friend who has taken a young lady out to multiple restaurants but she always turns him down for any activity does not include a meal. What are other ways do you think singles use people?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

86 comments Add your comment

Single & Happy

November 4th, 2013
6:35 am

Hello all

The question is how do you know when you are being used and what do you do about it? You should know when they only want to be around you when it’s something in it for them. When you get tired of it, you say no!! Until then enjoy the ride!

When my “friends and family” tell me someone is using me, my answer is OKAY! with my WTF face!

Bill Withers said it best :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ROGOHNSEBs

Lee

November 4th, 2013
8:23 am

Being used– well if that is how you feel why are you still saying yes.

If a guy calls asking what you are cooking tell him “not a thing” the cabinets are bare. He will either stop calling or take you shopping.

Happy Monday

Miss Moni

November 4th, 2013
8:47 am

GOOD Monday Morning MIA!!! *Had a dream last night that will have me SMILING all day!!!* :-D

How do you know when you’re being used, when you have to ask that question!!!

-They know your paydays better than you.
-Only come over after you’ve cooked OR just for sex.
-You’re the ONLY one paying for anything (trips, dates, dinners, etc.)
-Always use your car for traveling
-You KNOW when you’re being used, WAKE UP!!!

Donell

November 4th, 2013
9:14 am

SlimNu- To Friday’s comment, you’re absolutely correct. I’m just a firm believer that men and women are single until united as one in holy matrimony. Period. Point. Blank. The seriousness of the whole Gf/Bf/exclusive stuff is laughable to me. It really reminds me of children playing house. This is just my opinion ofcourse. I’ll just agree to disagree w/ you on that, I’m sure we’ll find common ground on other topics (smile).

As far as being used, in the dating game men use women and women use men… In general, people use people. You can either nip it right away or let it have you looking crazy. I can usually tell if I’m about to be used. I immediately cut ties if I see a trend. In my opinion, you just have to remain proactive out here.

CoolShadow

November 4th, 2013
9:21 am

How do you know when you are being used and what do you do about it?

Miss Moni in her 8:47 post pointed out some good examples of using someone. Sometimes it may takes a few encounters, dates or outings to figure out the consistency of where you may be fronting the majority of finances, effort, etc. Once you figure it out, then you have to decide if you want to continue to be used or cut it off.

Miss Moni

November 4th, 2013
9:42 am

-CoolShadow You’re absolutely right, once you find out you’re being used, it’s up to you whether you stay or go. I suppose some people don’t mind being used, but I’m NOT one of them, LOL!!!

Reio

November 4th, 2013
10:06 am

Morning all!

Well, I’ve heard it said that everybody gets used at some pont in a relationship. Perhaps. Although, one can never know for sure, when the using is subtle. Let’s face it, the tendency for the user is to not come out and say “Hey, I’ll be using you in this relationship.”, or, “The using of you will begin at approximately 8:26 this evening.”

The more subtle things, at least in my experience, come in the form of “Do you know anything about cars? Mine is acting up.”, or, “This sink keeps dripping, can you look at it for me?” …..Sometimes they don’t even realize that they are using you. They just do. The using part tends to rear its ugly head not when she wants something from you, necessarily, but when you want something from her, and she refuses, or reluctantly does it, while letting you know that “I’ll do it this time, but don’t make it a habit.” Words you’ve never spoken to her.

MsAtl

November 4th, 2013
10:35 am

Morning All!

It may take a while, but eventually you will know if you are being used. When they only contact you when they want something and it is in the form of a text, you are being used. I had to tell someone- you couldn’t call me on my birthday, but you send a text asking to borrow money? No ma’am! If I didn’t hear from you before pay day, you can wait till I’m broke before you call me unless you are trying to offer me something. A relationship (all, not just romantic) should have something for both parties. If you are constantly on the giving end, you are likely being used. I have put several folks out of my life over the past few years over this.

Reio- Mmmm hmmm, when you are always there for them but when you finally need something, they are ghost…

Moni- “They know your paydays better than you.” – I cracked up at this!

Button

November 4th, 2013
10:39 am

If it’s not a give and take relationship then you’re being used. No one want to feel used but there are some ppl out here that only think of themselves and what they can take/get from other ppl and give nothing back. If you’re the only one inviting (you know doing everything) that perosn only come around for schex then you are being used.

Good morning!

Miss Moni

November 4th, 2013
10:47 am

-MsAtl It is funny, but I’ve actually seen it happen. Nothing worse than a mate planning to spend your money before it even hits your account, LOL!!!

Button

November 4th, 2013
10:53 am

I had a gf that would only call me when things went sour with dating. When she had a man, I would never hear from her. I got tired of her being her shoulder to cry on and avoided all her calls/texts.

2CPTG©

November 4th, 2013
11:10 am

morning…

yep, people use people all the time, hell, your employer is using you right now! they can fire your ass at will, however, you better give them a two weeks notice if you wanna quit….go figure!

but in the dating world, it’s a quid pro quo kinda thing….folks can only use you if you let ‘em….

Reio

November 4th, 2013
11:15 am

Yes, and in reference to that particular woman, the one that said “……don’t make this a habit.”, the only thing I can remember asking of her before the “……don’t make this a habit.” comment, was to go out with me. Up until that point, I had never asked anything of her, but she made it seem as if I was wanting her to do something every other day, when nothing could have been further from the truth.

Always waiting to ask to invite her kinfolks over to swim in my swimming pool. Giving them tours of my home. Making sure they get a look at a three cat garage, showing them my Navy officer uniforms…..No, we weren’t living together, but she pretty much had the run of the place, I’ll admit. But I didn’t get the feeling that she was as committed as I was to growing the relationship.

I was convinced that she really cared about me and the relationship, she, however, forgot that things take time and, even if they are going well, one needs to continue to nurture it. She assumed that she had done enough and that “This guy has pretty much given me the run of the place, I must be special, so I’ll just let the real me come out.”. Which was a big mistake on her part. Felt like I was being used a bit.

kimmie

November 4th, 2013
11:17 am

Morning All!

Yeah, it might take a minute if the person is slick with it, but once you catch on it’s on you whether it will continue. After that, you can’t blame anyone, you must like being used. And nobody is really THAT slick with it for long, at least in my opinion.

Early on in my dating career I stopped answering calls from dudes on Friday & Saturday nights unless I was already in an exclusive relationship with them. Late calls during the week I may answer and chat, but no coming over.

Reio – Those example you gave of a car or leaky sink I would not necessarily call them using you unless you are interested in them romantically yet that’s all the interest they show in you, how you can help them with their issue. At least in the examples you gave they come right out and ask you. In my experience, users hint around and then want a hookup! LOL!!!

Button

November 4th, 2013
11:22 am

2C- are you working for free? lol

Button

November 4th, 2013
11:26 am

Kimmie – you only talked to the guys Monday thru Thursday?

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
11:26 am

how do you know when you are being used and what do you do about it?

When you’re the one footing the bill the majority of the time…when you’re the one doing most of the bending in order to please the other individual and you’re left feeling empty and used…most likely you are being used. When your needs aren’t being met but obviously your partner’s are then you’re being used. It’s up to you do decide whether you want to stay or not.

I dated a guy who tried that…first he started out by asking me to buy him a pair of Air Force Ones (~$100) and I didn’t…then he tried to get me to buy him some expensive football jersey w/the hat…and I didn’t…then he wanted some high end cologne. He wanted gifts but I wanted his absence, so I broke off contact with him. I’m sure he got the point eventuallly..

Celisea

November 4th, 2013
11:27 am

If you’re getting a paycheck, you’re not being used by your employer. If anything, he’s getting used…..if you’re blogging. You ain’t getting paid to do that. :) If you feel you aren’t paid your worth, well you negotiated and accepted what they offered.

MsAtl

November 4th, 2013
11:28 am

Reio- You have a 3 cat garage? Wife doesn’t want them in the house? Sorry, warped sense of humor. Went to bed at 3 am so I am punch drunk…

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
11:28 am

Finally had the priviledge to see “12 Years A Slave” over the weekend…speechless.

I wonder if Leggs had a chance to see it?..

Reio

November 4th, 2013
11:33 am

kimmie – Well this particular lady, which is different from the ’swimming pool’ chick, was constantly asking favors. We were involved romantically, but her incessant requests got to be too much. I mentioned it to her. She backed off a bit, but then started asking for favors, but immediately following it up by saying “…If that won’t be too much trouble.” or, “If it won’t bother you much…” This too, began to grate on me. It was if she wanted me to feel guilty if I refused, but at the same time pretending to respect my feelings. I saw right through it.

kimmie

November 4th, 2013
11:34 am

Button – Random dudes I talked to whenever I felt like it. I just would not answer their calls Friday or Saturday nights or anytime I felt was just a booty call. Most likely I was busy doing something Friday or Saturday anyway, but randoms didn’t get prime time consideration.

2CPTG©

November 4th, 2013
11:34 am

Button…..what you think?

Celisea

November 4th, 2013
11:35 am

I never have nor ever will date a dude that will form words to ask me to buy him anything. That ain’t happening….IJS

I’m glad I’m old school and have pretty much kept with dudes like minded. My point being, it’s not been an issue for me when a man is doing what man should do and not feel some kind of way about it. I happily return and reward his thoughtfulness and efforts, but in general taking the lead means taking the lead…in everything. I try to reciprocate every way that a woman can and fit the ying to the yang, so forth and so on… No way though, Imma hear whining about what you’re forking out. If you “expect” anything in return, save the whining….IJS

kimmie

November 4th, 2013
11:37 am

Reio – Okay, I see what you mean. That would have grated on me too.

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
11:38 am

she wanted me to feel guilty if I refused, but at the same time pretending to respect my feelings.

That is so not cool. Depending on the nature of the situation, when a person asks me for a favor and prefaces it with, “…If that won’t be too much trouble.” or, “If it won’t bother you much…”, I see it as a poor attempt at reverse psychology and am weary of it.

kimmie

November 4th, 2013
11:40 am

If that won’t be too much trouble.” or, “If it won’t bother you much…

Sassy/Reio – I can’t stand that!!!!

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
11:40 am

kimmie, cosign your 11:34.

Button

November 4th, 2013
11:42 am

Sassy – dude had not shame asking your for things.

Kimmie – gotcha!

2C – well if you say your job is using you then you must work for free otherwise you’re getting paid for your services/knowledge/talent

Reio

November 4th, 2013
11:51 am

Frankly, there were other instances, with other women during my dating years, but these two stick out cause, for all intent and purposes, they were rather kind, descent, and personable young ladies. I enjoyed their company and conversation….Just didn’t quite get the feeling that they were willing to put as much in as I was. Perhaps they were burned a time or two in the past, and weren’t ready, just yet, to give their all, for fear of a potential crash landing later. I don’t know.

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
11:51 am

kimmie, usually when folks say that they already know it might bother you or be too much trouble BEFORE they ask..but they do anyway. Just selfish..

Button…from what I gathered that was his modus operandi. But I’m not a slow leak…

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
11:52 am

Reio, that could very well be true. They might’ve been hurt/burned/used in the past and might be a little gun shy initially. I think anyone would be…

2CPTG©

November 4th, 2013
11:55 am

Button, using you in the matter that that they can terminate/stop the relationship without warning, whereas you/I have to give notice…..

abc

November 4th, 2013
11:56 am

You attract what you are.

An old friend of mine is that way: even concerning me, she’ll only get in touch if she wants me to buy her lunch. Now pushing 50, never married, no contenders — the men she encounters use her even more than she uses them. A rather sad tale, no happy ending in store.

Celisea

November 4th, 2013
12:10 pm

Button, using you in the matter that that they can terminate/stop the relationship without warning

Unless you commit a blatant violation (in which ending employment abrutly seems fair), most companies give verbal and written warnings….give you a chance to get things right. So it’s not termination without warning. Also, there are somethings things put in place to help you remediate whatever area that might cause termination.

Celisea

November 4th, 2013
12:11 pm

sometimes things….not somethings things

Robert

November 4th, 2013
12:16 pm

“how do you know when you are being used and what do you do about it? ”

Whenever a Man meets a Woman you need to know the “rules of engagement”. Men and Women need to know – what do you want and expect when the date is over? Knowing what the expectations are will help both the Man and the Woman deal with the consequences of their actions.

As a Man I do not lead Woman on. I feel that is a big mistake. I tell Women the truth and let them make-up their own minds. For example if we are going out on a date I will tell her if I plan to spend the night at her place or not.

I have learned some Women have a hard time handling the truth. Never tell a Woman what she wants to hear.Be honest and tell her the truth, regardless of how painful it might be. No one wants to feel “used”.

Button

November 4th, 2013
12:29 pm

some men use women as beards to concel their gayness.

Celisea

November 4th, 2013
12:31 pm

Diva, you didn’t turn the blog’s clock back. And having noticed that…that ummm somebody was blogging at 5 this morning???

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
12:33 pm

some men use women as beards to concel their gayness.

:shock:

Yep…we have a couple like that in my fam. Even his mom is waiting for him at the threshold of the closet door… But as long as (s)he’s going along with the charades then oh well…

Button

November 4th, 2013
12:36 pm

Sassy – I suspect the beards are running amuck here in Atlanta.

Miss Moni

November 4th, 2013
12:47 pm

-SassyMe/Button Funny you bring up the subject of beards. . . Either of you watch RHOA last night??? That’s what Porsha accused her ex of. . .

Button

November 4th, 2013
12:57 pm

Miss Moni – Porsha is a classic beard example.

Miss Moni

November 4th, 2013
12:59 pm

-Button Exactly, however she was living the “good life” in exchange, LOL!!!

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
1:07 pm

Button…YES they sure are running amuck here…I was almost the victim of one when I worked/lived downtown many years ago. I mean it was obvious he was gay…hell his eyebrows were beat better than mine :shock: He used to be married(wonder what happened to that?!) and after a month of “chasing me”, he started talking about us being married and me moving in his home. Really?! I was young but I wasn’t that naive or desperate… He had a cuuute son, though.. :oops:

Sassy Me ;-)

November 4th, 2013
1:08 pm

moving *into* his home…but I digress.

Going to grab a bite to eat…

Miss Moni

November 4th, 2013
1:16 pm

-Sassy Real talk, was he fine???

Durty Burd

November 4th, 2013
1:18 pm

Good Afternoon!

It’s funny sometimes you don’t feel used until the break-up occurs..Using to me is if I am spending my money or time on you and not receiving my expected results. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose, chalk it up to the game and keep it moving…

I not sure anyone can be used for sex, since I have a dizzle that is providing you puddy with pleasure…hehehehehehe!

I am going 2C on the blog until I get an e-mail from one of these beautiful blog ladies I am going to post my e-mail address every day.
durtyburdet007@yahoo.com

If that won’t be too much trouble.” or, “If it won’t bother you much… hehehehehehe!

Could not help could you Celisea?…lol

The Falcaint are spoiling my weekends with all this losing, the tailgating parties are not the same when you are winning…

Mrs. SexyCool

November 4th, 2013
1:22 pm

I agree with the sentiment that you usually don’t feel used until the rose colored glasses start clearing up a bit.

Durty Burd

November 4th, 2013
1:22 pm

I am going to call Mr. Robert the (Truth), tell the truth Robert pass your wisdom out in abundance!