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When do you talk about exclusive

Every new relationship has that defining moment when you both have to decide if you want to make it one on one. I mean, you basically spend all your time together anyway, so it makes sense. It can be tricky having the actual conversation, though. Especially if neither of you want to bring up the topic of “exclusive” as the next step.

When you feel ready to have the “just you and me” conversation, do you usually decide to bring it up? My friend Henry thinks guys could probably do without the labels and the talk because their actions already show how they feel and what they want. He doesn’t understand why women seem to push for the relationship label and exclusive talk.

Oh yes, it’s all fun and games until the guy you are spending time with shows up to a party with somebody else; and why would you have a right to get angry because you never talked exclusive? Sometimes, being on the same page in dating is imperative. It keeps drama and misunderstanding to a minimum!

When do you think is a good time to talk about being exclusive? Why do some men believe this conversation can not be had unless he has had a chance to check out bedroom skills?

by Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

101 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

November 1st, 2013
8:39 am

Single and Happy

November 1st, 2013
8:40 am

Hello all

Hmmm now that’s a conversation I’m trying to figure out how to have right now. So a good time is when you decide that’s what you want to do.

Why do some men believe this conversation can not be had unless he has had a chance to check out bedroom skills? I’m willing to wait to find out about that.

YesSheIsCute

November 1st, 2013
8:43 am

Good morning everyone!

One thing I learned from this guy that I’m dealing with right now is that I really don’t like the idea of dating multiple people at one time. How can you really get to know someone if you are having multiple dates in the week, trying to keep straight what one person says their likes/dislikes are from 4 other people? That’s how he does it and it makes sense.

After this guy, I’m just letting be known to future suitors, “Look call it old fashioned, but if you are trying to date me then, it’s me and you. Otherwise handle whatever else you got going on and then let me know when you ready to get to know each other one on one”. Really, how can I feel truly comfortable around you when I know you are probably screwing going on dates with multiple other people? If that makes me old-fashioned, lame, or just plain under a rock then I wear that! I don’t have time for all this bullish. I’m not a spring chicken anymore!

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

November 1st, 2013
9:09 am

Let’s not be coy about the fact that sex is a part of a relationship.

Of course, while I might like you – a lot – if we’re not compatible sexually….it’s not going to go anywhere.

As far as when to have the convo, you have it when you feel it.

Could be right after…when you’re catching your breath…still sticky and sweaty…
Or, it could be after she’s fixed you something to eat (after)…and it tastes good…(the food that is)..

joel holtzman

November 1st, 2013
9:16 am

Again Wise Diva singles out men to be the culprit in the commitment arena. After a year of off and on, hot and heavy, I’ not seeing anyone else, I got “I need some space”. Finally after some truth telling, I realized I was but one many she was keeping in her hip pocket. So please Wise Diva it”s a two way street. And yes sex is important in a one on one.

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
9:17 am

“My friend Henry thinks guys could probably do without the labels and the talk because their actions already show how they feel and what they want.” – I would think many think along this line, but it also can backfire. One shouldn’t assume anything in a relationship. I would feel I’m not exclusive until we’ve spoken on exclusivity. Actions definitely speaks volumes, but a conversation like this is necessary. If your cards aren’t on the table, how do you know what’s being played??

Good morning.

YesSheIsCute

November 1st, 2013
9:18 am

Dan, I normally would say when you “feel it” is a good indicator too but that’s gotten me nowhere because it seems like I’m always feeling it and they are not. So from now on this conversation is had from jump street before I start getting attached or catching any feelings. Any guy that feels like anything else he has going on is worth more than getting to know me one on one is not that man for me.

Come on, you know the special olympics when you see it! You don’t have to hang around three competitions to know what it is. Same with who you spend your time with, you pretty much know if this is someone you can foresake all others for (momentarily) or not. You don’t need 5 and 6 dates to tell you that (most of the time).

SlimNu

November 1st, 2013
9:23 am

Single – So you’re ready to be exclusive with a certain young lady?

Button

November 1st, 2013
9:24 am

There’s no time line of when you should have the talk. On things for sure, the two should be in agreement of becoming exclusive. If you haven’t had the talk of being exclusive you’re not no matter how much he/she does for you, with you, to you.

Dan – now you know that the talk right after while sticky and sweaty is null and void, the blood hasn’t even reached the brain yet! That’s like saying I love you in the middle of schex. :lol:

Button

November 1st, 2013
9:29 am

Yes – maybe you should try letting things flow natuarally. You can’t hurry love. No matter how much you yell I want it to go this way or that way it’s still left up to the other party to agree. ijs

Single and Happy

November 1st, 2013
9:31 am

Slim, exclusive, where we’re going, have I been relegated to the friend category. Just want to know if there’s anything between us.

2CPTG©

November 1st, 2013
9:36 am

morning…..

you have the convo when it’s time….when is that? when you’re both on “that” level of comfortability, and compatibility. why do you have to have sex to determine as much….as Dan said, to see if you’re compatible in that area….

YesSheIsCute

November 1st, 2013
9:39 am

@Button I do agree you can’t hurry love. I don’t think it’s hurrying love by commanding exclusivity as a condition of dating, since exclusivity is not necessarily a precursor to love. I just don’t see how you can really focus on getting to know me, my likes, dislikes, personality, etc. if you have multiple dates lined up between the once or twice in a week you may be taking me on a date. Getting my details mixed up with the next girl…but yet you’re interested in me :?

I really don’t see what’s wrong with commanding undivided attention upfront, if you claim you’re interested in dating me. It sure beats going on multiple dates and outings, catching feelings and deciding to have the conversation because you “feel” it’s right…only to be told he doesn’t want to date exclusively. I’m over waiting for it to feel right. Time is precious and so is the time that I share out of my life. So either you want this or you don’t. Either you are worth my time or you’re not. The end.

Single and Happy

November 1st, 2013
9:42 am

Slim I need to maybe I need to just send her this song

Single and Happy

November 1st, 2013
9:43 am

trying again, let 112 and Mase say it for me (LOL)

http://youtu.be/D30u9m-nEoo

Button

November 1st, 2013
9:44 am

Yes- the key word is dating not marriage. You can’t regulate how a man is suppose to date you. Enjoy the date and be the best you. Nine times out of ten he is dating you and another woman and so what? Why worry youself about what he’s going with anther date and how he juggles names and such and such? you’ll drive yourself insane by doing that. You should date other ppl yourself until you have the talk of being exclusive. It’s only fair.

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
9:44 am

Did any of you hit Cash 3 last night? I did. My new number is 710.

MsAtl

November 1st, 2013
9:44 am

Morning All!

I agree that there is no timeline on when to have the exclusivity talk. I do believe that a talk is needed even if the actions seem to show because you cannot assume anything. You have the talk when it is right for you two and that will vary from couple to couple; there is no one size fits all and you can’t guide your relationship by a book by Steve Harvey or anyone else (imo).

2CPTG©

November 1st, 2013
9:46 am

Cutie…..gal, in the words or R. Kelly, “seems like you’re ready,”…..so, if a guy has managed to catch your eye, and what not, you feel y’all should be exclusive upfront?

Reio

November 1st, 2013
9:48 am

Morning all!

Well, this is what used to get me in trouble years ago when I was dating (among other things).

You see, I have always been a straight up guy. First, second date? You knew where I stood. Never wavered. First, second date, “How do you feel about pre-marital sex?” Believe it or not, I would ask that, and then give my opinion on it(I’m for it). First, second date, “What about screwing others, while in a relationship with someone else?”. Then, give my opinion on it (Game over, won’t tolerate it).

So, she knew, within days of meeting me, where I stood on this issue.

What got me into trouble was, because many of the women felt that it was too early to discuss this with someone that they had just met. I understood that, but I felt that I NEEDED to know as soon as possible. Why? Well, if she gave a response other than “I feel the same way” on either question, she was dropped. Never went out with her again.

Now you guys/gals on here, know why I wound up dropping so many women during my dating years.
They either didn’t answer at all, or, they answered incorrectly. I moved on. Simple.
It was very early in the relationship, so strong feelings, either way, had no time to form. Some of them were hurt, but there was never a relationship in the first place. In the cases where they answered correctly, we continued to date, but things didn’t work out, and we split for other reasons.

Button

November 1st, 2013
9:52 am

Leggs – $$$$!!! so you’re in the money!

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
10:15 am

Reio ~ I can only appreciate that approach. Muddling through a relationship only to find it’s not what you wanted can be draining. You knew what you were seeking and never steered for that…kudos!

Hazel

November 1st, 2013
10:16 am

call me crazy, but I would have the talk on maybe the 4th or 5th date. I don’t have time to be one of many. Let’s just cut the chase. I was told that he wasn’t ready to get exclusive and I didn’t see him anymore. He put a ring on it though. I think its good to be blunt. It’s ok to say, hey I’m looking for a husband and not just looking to go on dates. DAting with a purpose. #husband. It worked for me.

GlammourGirl

November 1st, 2013
10:17 am

I’m in agreement with the majority in that you have that talk when you feel it’s right. There’s no magic number of dates or days or whatever.

Yes – It’s unrealistic to think you’re gonna meet a man and he’s not going out on dates with other people. It can happen, but I believe that’s rare. You need that time to get to know each other, and you can get to know multiple people at one time. You have to just be you, if he likes it, then he’ll choose you over the others. If not, then keep it moving. On to the next one. And for your sake, you shouldn’t want to rush it either. You’re probably still dating the representative at that time. He hasn’t even shown his true colors yet.

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
10:26 am

from that…

SlimNu

November 1st, 2013
10:35 am

SIngle – How sweet. lol

Reio

November 1st, 2013
10:43 am

I can remember several dates that ended cause they answered with ” Well, I’d rather not discuss that with you at this time.”, or, “I don’t feel that the time is right for us to talk about that now.”, or, “We just met, why would you ask me that?” ALL wrong answers.

How did I end the brief relationship? How did they respond after being dumped (most of them)?
Well, the conversation usually went like this, after I took her home, or in the instances where we went somewhere in separate cars, after we decided to end the date and go home : “Well, Jan/Karen/Gayle…..whomever, I don’t know how you feel about me, but I don’t feel we should go out anymore.”, “What? Why not?”, “Well, you remember earlier when I asked you how you felt about pre-marital sex”?, “Yes.”, “And you said that you didn’t feel comfortable answering that question.”, “Yes.”, “Well, that’s why.”, “That’s why? What do you mean? I don’t understand.”, “Look, to me those are very important questions. Because, and I’m just being honest here, without sex in a relationship, as far as I’m concerned, there can be no relationship. And I don’t care whether it’s right or wrong, that’s how I feel.”, ” So, all you want is sex?”, ” No. Absolutely not. I want much more than sex.”, “Da hell you want then? You ask me a personal question like that on the first/second date, I’m not ready to discuss that with you, and now you don’t want to see me anymore? Sounds like all you want is sex to me.”, “I understand that. And it’s clear to me how you would arrive at that conclusion. But not only is it important to me, it’s also important for me to know as soon as possible, so I’ll know whether to ask you out again, if you would be willing to go out with me again.”, “I still don’t understand why you put so much emphasis on sex. Is that all you care about?”, “No. It’s not. But it’s important enough to me to know where you stand as soon as possible.”, Well sh!t, you could’ve asked me over the phone, before we went met for lunch, or last week when we met at Fred’s house. This is stupid.”, “Call it what you want. Perhaps it is stupid. I actually don’t give a damn. You didn’t answer that question, so I don’t want to see you again.”, “Oh, so, it’s like that? I don’t want to answer one of your questions, and you don’t want to see me again?”, “Yeah, pretty much.”, “Well, hell, I’ll answer your damn question, if that’s what you want.”, “Don’t bother. You already did. I know what you’re going to say. You’re gonna say, you feel that if two people want to engage in that, in a relationship, they should, or words to that effect. Right?”, “Yes, sh!t.”, “Well, I asked you that question about 3 hours ago. You refused to answer. 3 hours later, you ready to answer it. Why now and not 3 hours ago?”, “Hell, you acting you gonna die if I don’t answer, so, I did.”,” No, you answered cause I told you that I didn’t want to go out with you again. So, you just lied.”, “No I didn’t lie. You told me that………. This would go on like this, till I finally left. And that was the end of it. Most of them ended this way.

Celisea

November 1st, 2013
10:46 am

Exclusivity…..aaaah yeah :) Here’s my take….

I’m one that believes the talk “shouldn’t” be required. Most cats really looking for something solid will easily get on board after a short stint of spending all y’alls time together. It falls in line with those things that are unspoken, just known….vibing, chilling, grooving together. However, for those cats playing games, rotating, shuffling and moving chicks up and down the roster, you better not only get it said, get it in writing…lol So, no I’m not a proponent of pinning folks down, when the language being spoken between us says it all. But, if you don’t want nothing thrown back and folks calling foul or “leeeeaning” on a technicality, you might wanna get it siad.

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
10:46 am

“Well, hell, I’ll answer your damn question, if that’s what you want.”, “Don’t bother. You already did.” – this made me laugh because I see the flip flopping and the stammering…

kimmie

November 1st, 2013
10:47 am

Morning Gang!

On topic – You bring it up when you are ready, but you must bring it up. I have been burned bad in the past assuming, like Henry. Even if you are spending every minute outstide of work together, still don’t assume someone else can’t possibly be in the picture. It does not have to be anything long and drawn out either. In fact, I don’t ever remember it being a big deal, dude just throws it out there he would like it to be just us, let’s see where this thing is going. It was not after a long period of time, fairly early too.

It’s been my experience too, that when a guy drags it out and needs all this time to decide, he’s not ready. Which is fine, but like Hazel & Reio, at some point I decided to date with a purpose, so those guys would get kicked to the curb.

Celisea

November 1st, 2013
10:48 am

I’m not gon say one word about this long posts by a person that shall remain unnamed….oh, I just said something, didn’t I? LOLOLOL

Ummm, when I first pulled up the site, today’s post wasn’t up yet, and the last past from yesterday still showed. Did anyone see “spooky”, the ghost of W8 tryna post?? Wooooo (said in a spooky tone)

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
11:00 am

I saw that and ignored it.

YesSheIsCute

November 1st, 2013
11:01 am

@Leggs I’ve never played the numbers but I’m starting to feel like I need to be playing these numbers that keep getting dropped on the blog.

@SH I think you should just come out and ask? Or say how you feel and ask her how she feels.

@Button and Glammourgirl I think dating multiple is great, if you’re just trying to have fun and not be serious about any of the people in your rotation. I think it’s sad that that’s unrealistic (that a guy can just be focused on you and not 15 other women simultaneously).

@2C Depends. If we haven’t even had a real conversation before the date, I could see how talking about that upfront could be offputting.

Reio

November 1st, 2013
11:02 am

“at some point I decided to date with a purpose, so those guys would get kicked to the curb.”

Yes. Absolutely. I always had a purpose. Matrimony. Never just sex. Hell, sex, at least for me, wasn’t hard to find. I was, neither then, nor now, better than anyone else. Never put myself above anyone else. Never have. Never will. But I knew what I was looking for. Never went out to just have fun.
I had more fun when I went out with the fellas back in the day. It was silly fun. The fun I had on dates was a different kind of fun. Serious fun. Meaningful fun. Hopefully, unforgettable fun. I was serious on my dates. I laughed, and joked, but I listened to her. I watched her. I observed her. I remembered the things she said. And, yes, I asked questions, to which, I expected answers. Even the personal ones such as today’s topic.

Celisea

November 1st, 2013
11:10 am

Off topic:

James just told Florida the only reason he quit smoking was because everytime he blew a smoke ring, she put her finger through it….as in hint hint

I like James…he was always either comical or hysterical

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
11:14 am

YSIC ~ I figured someone would play them. I’m trying to put a little cash in your pockets. I can understand someone not playing solely on my hunch. I don’t always win, but I do win.

kimmie

November 1st, 2013
11:18 am

Yes – I actually think after a certain age and maturity level, multiple dating is unrealistic. I just don’t know of or never knew of many guys past early/mid 20’s that had a long lineup of women they were actually dating. Most just don’t have it like that. Sure, when you meet someone it’s likely they may be seeing someone else, even if it’s casual. They may have a FWB here or there. But you here how cheap these dudes are. They are not out spending money on multiple dates with all these women! It should not be hard to “narrow it down” to concentrate on one, unless he’s just a player, which is what you don’t want anyway. And you sure don’t want one that’s sticking it in 15 women so he can come to a decision.

Trust, it doesn’t take all that.

Button

November 1st, 2013
11:20 am

Yes – you should date with a purpose – to meet someone to have a meaningful relationship that may turn into marriage, you also have to keep in mind that it’s a process which means maybe even dating mulitiple ppl to meet the one that’s for you. Why put all your eggs in one basket? esp if you’re not exclusive.

Reio

November 1st, 2013
11:21 am

Hell, we don’t have a lottery here. Those holier than thou hillbillies in our state capital won’t vote for it. So when the LOTTO, or MegaMillions jackpot gets kinda high, we just cross the state line into Georgia, buy tickets, and come home with our fingers crossed.

Button

November 1st, 2013
11:24 am

Kimmie- when you meet someone it’s likely they may be seeing someone else, even if it’s casual.— anyway you slice it, he is seeing someone else, hence you are not the only one he is seeing! whether it be fwb or what have you.

Reio

November 1st, 2013
11:25 am

I never dated more than one person at a time. Never made much sense to me. Cause as soon as I realized that the current one wouldn’t work out, I ended it anyway. Freeing me to choose another.

abc

November 1st, 2013
11:26 am

I never dated more than one at a time. My goal was to find just one, and I figured that if I didn’t focus on just one at a time, I wasn’t really giving them a chance, nor giving myself a chance to really find out about them. I wouldn’t tolerate a chick that was dating as a hobby or something, or was so indiscriminate about who they’d date that they’d be dating 2, 3, 5, 10 at a time. Just not my modis operandi.

YesSheIsCute

November 1st, 2013
11:29 am

Reio, I know there are more like you. May not be many, and they may not be in Georgia but statistically speaking there is a percentage (albeit small), that thinks like you. I can wait.

Leggs

November 1st, 2013
11:29 am

Yes – you should date with a purpose – to meet someone to have a meaningful relationship – Most definitely. I have never able to juggle men. To lie about this plan or that plan never suited me. Why lie? I would think i you told a guy you were going out with another this week and you can see him next week, you may not get a return call. Now, if you two have an open relationship there will be no problem, but most people date trying to convince the other they are the only one!

Celisea

November 1st, 2013
11:34 am

On the theory of assuming folks are seeing others when you meet them…true. In the same vein wouldnt stand to reason that they must not be THAT serious cause they stopped for you? Thus, wrapping things up and scaling back for a one and only shouldn’t take a life time. Either you like the person or you don’t. Doesn’t matter if they have FWBs or just hanging. That’s a matter of snipping the strings.

Button

November 1st, 2013
11:34 am

Leggs – most people date trying to convince the other they are the only one! — true, all the while you’re not! until he want to make you the one and then you two agreement to be exclusive.

kimmie

November 1st, 2013
11:51 am

Button – My problem with dating multiple is it’s rarely just “dating”, going out. As you can see, some think before you even consider being exclusive, sex is a requirement. I never could do the multiple sex partners or take any man seriously who did so openly.

Sure, I always assumed dude might be seeing others. Most men I dealt with did it with finese and the “others” dropped off rather quickly.

I had no problem putting my eggs in one basket at a time. Juggling just never worked for me. Luckily I found a man that thought just like I did. He let me know he wanted exclusivity around the 3rd date, made it very clear.

I’m sure everyone else is doing what works for them too, including you.

Button

November 1st, 2013
12:02 pm

Kimmie-I know everyone dating is not doing it mulitple, some may start out that way but eventually become exclusive, I’m simply stating that keeping your eyes open when it comes to dating. Everyone is not thinking or doing as you did/do. The world is full of ppl with different objectives when it comes to dating. One size does not fit all. As as for what worked for me, I made it work and the end results was always in my favor.

kimmie

November 1st, 2013
12:07 pm

Everyone is not thinking or doing as you did/do.

Button – I’m not saying that everyone should, but alot on here, some of the men, agree with me too. You made your way work for you, and so did I. And that’s realy all that matters, that everyone do what works for them.

Celisea

November 1st, 2013
12:31 pm

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