accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

What’s wrong with changing for love?

Actress Joy Bryant recently said in an interview that she would often dumb herself down in dating. She had become so accustomed to changing who she was to fit the relationship, she thought it was what people did to make love work. I wonder how many women do this, though? Do you think it is something you can keep up?

I don’t know what kind of person prefers their date to be dumb, but what is wrong with changing for love? What if there was a part of your personality that was problematic, would you learn to fix it?

Do you believe it is fair to expect someone to dim their light or be less awesome so their partner can feel better about being with them?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

184 comments Add your comment

Lee

October 29th, 2013
7:09 am

Not a good idea. it will not get better if you “fake another personality” nor last. No one can keep that up forever.

I don’t just want someone, I want the best someone for me. And that will not happen if i pretend i am something i am not

hagd

Single and Happy

October 29th, 2013
7:30 am

Hey all

If changing makes you happy then do it.

Do you believe it is fair to expect someone to dim their light or be less awesome so their partner can feel better about being with them? no that’s not fair. But this actress didn’t say it’s what they expected, it was what she thought she had to do!

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
8:09 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

Do you believe it is fair to expect someone to dim their light or be less awesome so their partner can feel better about being with them? NO, it’s not fair! Be who you are! I don’t believe in dimming your light for others to shine. The sun is big & bright enough for all of us to shine, if we choose to. Be your own kind of FABULOUS!!! ;-)

SlimNu

October 29th, 2013
8:50 am

Wow, dim your light so your partner can shine? Um…that sounds crazy. Now I will say that at times in relationships (long or marriage) there are times where you don’t necessarily have to shine your spotlight all everywhere to prove a point. It should be a balance and consideration given for certain situations. You and your significant other should be partners and work together. One shouldn’t try to take a certain moment away from them, just to prove you’re something, like you’re trying to trump them all the time.

Now with regard to changing for love, the only changing that should be done should come from that person if they so choose. If you’ve noticed certain things about yourself that you feel could use some improving or tweeking, then that’s a personal journey he/she has to decide. I’m not talking extreme deals like drug abuse, physical abuse or the like because we all know those are highly destructive behaviors.

Anyway, good morning. How is everyone doing so far? Did you guys sleep well? :-)

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
8:54 am

Great points made Slim! I had 2 really weird dreams last night, but outside of that I did sleep well.

Exiled

October 29th, 2013
8:58 am

‘ Dumping down’ does not equate to one dimming their lights for another. Is it that literal?

But on topic: if u desperate you dumb down. If u are not u don’t have to.

Folks who seem devoid of choice or who consider themselves being passed or are getting old with no prospects in sight tend to do that.

Which sex do that more? :lol:

Good morning MIA!

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
9:01 am

Not a good idea to dumb up. Equally not a good idea to smarten up if you can’t keep up (lol). Nothing wrong with changing for love, but make sure the change is a positive one benefitting both of you. Love in itself makes up do some drastic things. Keep it on the positive side and the sailing should be smooth.

Good morning.

Exiled

October 29th, 2013
9:03 am

Good morning: Lee,Slim,MissMoni,Single!

…greetings in the morning to ‘chosen’ ones used to be a staple here. Times have changed.

That used to crack me up though. :lol:

Blog has been overtaken by Johnny comme lately s

YesSheIsCute

October 29th, 2013
9:03 am

Good morning everyone! It’s my monday :D

Changing for love is wrong, wrong, WRONG. Getting rid of your neuroses Improving for love is always ok.

I do not believe it is one should dim their light to allow their partner to shine. That’s not love. A person loves you for who you are and when you flourish, when you bloom, when you’re at your best, they love it. Anyone who is insecure, intimidated or jealous due to your success, your intelligence, your cultivation, so on and so forth, is not the one for you.

Be yourself, everyone one won’t love it, but the person that is compatible to you, will.

Button

October 29th, 2013
9:06 am

By dumbing down you are starting out lying about who you are. The relationship is already doomed before it even started. The opposit of that is smarting up. Pretending to know things you really don’t know anything about. You shouldn’t have to change who you are to meet someone.

Good morning!

SlimNu

October 29th, 2013
9:10 am

Moni – I had weird dreams all last week….not sure what to attribute it to though. I can tell you one thing, I sure am hungry already. lol

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
9:17 am

Do you believe it is fair to expect someone to dim their light or be less awesome so their partner can feel better about being with them?

No I don’t think that’s fair…if you’re with someone who makes you WANT to ASPIRE to be better then go for it. However, if one partner must purposely NOT shine so the other can, then something’s wrong…meaning there may be a lack of self esteem and selfishness to want someone else to do that.

Reio

October 29th, 2013
9:18 am

Morning all!

Don’t change. Stay as you are. What’s wrong with being yourself? Adjustments can be made periodically, particularly early in a relationship. But no major changes. And even those adjustments should be met with adjustments on the part of your partner as well. It seems to work best when you say to your partner; “I’m not used to this, but I’ll try and adjust to it. For you.” That way your partner knows that you are willing to take the extra step to make things smoother. But one should also let them know that you “are going to expect them to adjust to some of your quirks as well.” Personality changes are impossible to make long term, however. Your personality is you. Don’t change THAT!

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
9:28 am

-Slim I was just about to ask: What’s for breakfast, LOL!!! I could go for a nice shrimp omelet, spicy homemade hashbrowns, buttermilk biscuits w/honey, a bowl of cheese grits and a mimosa! :-D

Celisea

October 29th, 2013
9:34 am

This song (below) says it all for me……

I’m not changing a dern thing about myself….for another, to please another, to get along with another , etc etc etc. We met being the individuals we are and therein lies the magic. Now, if there are improvements needed, as none of us are perfect, then I’LLLLLL do the changing…for my betterment, but not for a boo. Love don’t make you stupid. I’d rather endure his quirks and nuances than ask him to be what I think he should be. He should be himself. The mystic and magic is coming together…..in self…two different individuals doing the dang thing.

Don’t go changing to try and please me, you never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar and I don’t see you anymore

I would not leave you in times of trouble, we never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times, I take you just the way you are

​Don’t go trying some new fashion, don’t change the color of your hair
​You always have my unspoken passion though I might not seem to care

​I don’t want clever conversation, I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to, I want you just the way you are

I need to know that you will always be, the same old someone that I knew
Ah, what will it take till you believe in me? The way that I believe in you?

I said I love you and that’s forever and this I promise from the heart
But I couldn’t love you any better, I love you just the way you are

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
9:34 am

SlimNu ~ I had a really bad stomach most of the day yesterday. I sat still last night watching a movie trying to quell my stomach. A hot cup of tea w/no sugar seemed to help. I slept very well.

Celisea

October 29th, 2013
9:34 am

I’on know nothing about dumbing down.

2CPTG©

October 29th, 2013
9:35 am

morning……

give you my take in a few…..

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
9:43 am

-Leggs Glad you’re feeling better.

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
9:45 am

Dang Miss Moni that breakfast sounds great…I’d need a nap immediately following :lol:

Leggs, glad you’re feeling better. How’s lil Leggs doing?

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
9:50 am

-SassyMe Yes, I’d need a nap too, LOL!!! :-)

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
9:55 am

MissMoni ~ I’ve had a shrimp omelet once in my life and it was at IHOP. It was delicious. Unfortunately, they took it off the menu. I think of that omelet from time to time.

Tks, feeling much better. Lil Leggs seems to be doing very well in school. She drove home last weekend by herself for the first time. I was worried and impressed all at the same time.

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
9:56 am

:lol:

Talk about a stomach on “swole”…that would be a good dinner,too. It’s funny how you can eat breakfast for dinner like that..

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
9:57 am

-Leggs Glady’s Chicken & Waffles has a shrimp omelet on their menu. That was the first time I had one and LOVED it!

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
9:58 am

I was worried and impressed all at the same time.

Awww then…mama’s lil butterfly is spreading her wings. Glad she made it and glad YOU made it…must’ve been tough worrying about her on the road.

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
9:59 am

Glady’s Chicken & Waffles has a shrimp omelet on their menu.

:shock:

Hush yo mouf..really?! I see I need to go back…

SlimNu

October 29th, 2013
10:00 am

Moni – You just made my stomach do back flips in just reading your post. I stayed in line with my usual Greek yogurt with fresh blueberries. But your idea of breakfast just trumped my little snack this morning. A chicken fajita omlete would be good with a side of french toast and fresh strawberry topping.

Leggs – Sorry to hear about your stomach.Are you feeling better today?

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
10:01 am

MissMoni ~ although I do not understand chicken and waffles being eaten at the same time, I will keep that in mind re the omelet.

SassyMe ~ it was. She texted to say she was stuck in traffic. I called her to stop texting and that it’s an expensive ticket if she got caught (lol) and since she didn’t have any money to pay the fine, she would be spending the night in jail. Didn’t hear from her again until she rang the doorbell.

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
10:02 am

SlimNu ~ some people suffer with migraines, I suffer sever stomach issues (my entire life). I just to let it pass, be still and stay close to the golden throne!

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

October 29th, 2013
10:05 am

My opinion,

If you don’t change, and let the person you’ve chosen to be with have some say in addressing your shortcomings – even those we’re blinded by – then why be in a relationship?

I’m not saying, as the actress did, to diminish yourself in anyway, but allow yourself to grow with the person you choose to be with; as well as helping them grow.

If mutual improvement, assistance, and guidance isn’t a part of a relationship….then, it’s failure.

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
10:08 am

she didn’t have any money to pay the fine, she would be spending the night in jail. Didn’t hear from her again until she rang the doorbell.

That’s how you make a point….and make her accountable at the same time. Glad she adhered..

2CPTG©

October 29th, 2013
10:09 am

Leggs, guess you gon’ need to leave early again today, huh? smh!!!

but anyway….as far as trynna match the intelligence level of your possible suitor – akin to a lie….you gotta keep that lie going…if you play dumb in the beginning, then you better stay dumb! And if you pretend to be smart, then you better get smart! The true “you” gon’ come out eventually…

Celisea

October 29th, 2013
10:12 am

Growing with someone versus changing are two different things. You can grow with, in your own skin. IMO, that’s were learning to evolve comes in. Changes happen over time and with maturity. You grow, he grows, the relationship grows. Change (for the better) is bound to happen. But pulling out a notepad and handing me a buttload of stuff I can do differently or better won’t sit so well with me. I know that’s extreme, but IJS

No relationship can last unless both are willing to grow, thus change, but IMO the person you met is who you met. Yes, improvement is needed, but you gotta allow time for that.

SlimNu

October 29th, 2013
10:13 am

Leggs – You know I know about those migraines….not fun. :cry:

SlimNu

October 29th, 2013
10:14 am

I think I may bake me some talapia for dinner and throw in some asparagus…hmmmm hOngry I am

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
10:14 am

“guess you gon’ need to leave early again today, huh? smh!!!”

As a boss, you’re a day late and a dollar short. Your head is so far up your own butt you didn’t notice I was sick yesterday and wouldn’t let me leave early. I came to you doubled over asking to leave and you told me to lay on the couch until it passes. Why would I leave early today when I’M FEELING FINE!!!!!

Celisea

October 29th, 2013
10:15 am

IMO, growth in a relationship is no difference than growing as a person. You can’t jump to 30 at 20. You have to allow time and experience to make the changes for you. A relationship IMO evolves the same way. It takes times, ups and downs in and out, to accomplish needed changes.

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
10:19 am

:lol: @ Leggs…don’t hurt ‘em, mami.

2CPTG©

October 29th, 2013
10:21 am

well, glad you’re feeling fine…..

Slim, baked tilapia? hmmm, sounds good…..so you’re pretty handy in a kitchen, huh? Gal, you’re looking more and more beautiful by the day!

MsAtl

October 29th, 2013
10:29 am

Morning All!

I don’t think you should change for love. If you change, it should be because you recognize there are some things that you need to work on. If you change just to suit someone else, I don’t think the change would last and would it really be a change as opposed to an act?

Do you believe it is fair to expect someone to dim their light or be less awesome so their partner can feel better about being with them?
No, I don’t believe it is fair. I used to tell my ex that there is room for more than one of us to be great! He always wanted to be out in the forefront and told me he didn’t like it when people found me more interesting than him. Really? at this point, I can only be who I am and will not give in to a man’s insecurities any longer or dumb down so he can feel smart.

Moni- Cheese omelet, grits and fresh fruit for breakfast this morning.

SlimNu

October 29th, 2013
10:30 am

2C – I try but I do not claim to be any Chef Boyrdee by any means. ;-)

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
10:38 am

thank you, mr boss man. You are funny.

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
10:50 am

-MsAtl I should have eaten breakfast with you.

-Leggs I don’t believe in ordering Fried Chicken from a dine-in restaurant, so yes I’m the type who will go to a Chicken & Waffles spot and order everything BUT the chicken & waffles, LOL!!!

-Slim I too start planning dinner before lunch! :-)

Leggs

October 29th, 2013
10:56 am

Me too, MissMoni. I’m not ordering chicken out, unless I’m at Popeye’s or W.K. Wings.

That’s funny, I plan my dinner the night before by taking something out the freezer before I leave for work (lol). Do you thaw out your meat when you get home? Or, are you talking about stopping at grocery store because you don’t have that item at home?

Miss Moni

October 29th, 2013
11:03 am

-Leggs I’m basing my dinner plans on what’s already at the house, especially if I just made a grocery trip. I only make “stops” at the grocery store if it’s something I absolutely need that day or the next morning. It’s time consuming and expensive to go to the grocery store after you’ve already went grocery shopping a few days prior, LOL!

Sassy Me ;-)

October 29th, 2013
11:07 am

I plan my dinner the night before by taking something out the freezer before I leave for work

Me,too. What gets me is that sometimes(during the week) when I get home from work I don’t always feel like cooking. So I’ll cook on Sunday and Monday and juggle leftovers during the week by mixing it with different veggies or another subsitute to keep it interesting.

YesSheIsCute

October 29th, 2013
11:08 am

Dan couldn’t have said it better. That’s REALLY what I was trying to say.

I’m hungry and you guys are making it worse. I’m making Seafood Paella tonight. I can’t wait! :)

Celisea

October 29th, 2013
11:08 am

The blog shole is dragging. Ain’t helping me get through this long meeting. Seems like the topic ended a couple of hours after the blog opened…lololol

Celisea

October 29th, 2013
11:09 am

Sorry 2Can, wasn’t tryna post my itinerary

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

October 29th, 2013
11:16 am

@Cel

Growing and changing are related. I’ve had plenty of people in my life add to my perspective and show where I could improve. When I listened (sometimes after the fact), I saw where they were right.

I don’t think I’ve changed who I am as a person, I’ve just added more layers and see things differently.

Adding dressing to a salad doesn’t change what it is.