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Relationships: Do we really want someone freaky?

I think everyone desires to have a healthy sex life and consider it important in a relationship. I just wonder when so many claim that they don’t want a “boring” or vanilla partner, are they really sure about the amount of spice they can handle?

I ask because one of my guy friends used to say that a woman’s bedroom skills could make or break the relationship. Then just the other day, he told me that his new woman’s skills “scared” him a bit. Apparently, she did some things that caught him off guard. He refuses to go in to detail (Yes, I am that nosy and so I asked) but suffice it to say he is rethinking his old “woman in the street, freak in the sheets” mantra.

Clearly, as his friend, I ridiculed him relentlessly because this was a classic case of careful what you wish for! What would you do if you were in a relationship with someone who was “too spicy” for your particular taste?

Do you get on their level? Do you ask them to chill on the freaky stuff that make you uncomfortable?

I wonder if it is really about finding the right partner with the right amount of spice we can take? Should there be some kind of balance?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

235 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

October 14th, 2013
7:18 am

Hello All, Marvelous Monday!!

It just goes with that ole saying “watch what you ask for, because you just might get it” so you might need to be specific when asking for things.

Most people say they want freaky, but then can’t handle it because they start to wonder who all they’ve been freaky with.

Do you get on their level? Yes I do, but they usually have to get on my level!!

What would you do if you were in a relationship with someone who was “too spicy” for your particular taste? never had this problem

Single and Happy

October 14th, 2013
7:20 am

Should there be some kind of balance? naw don’t need no balance, have a sling for that (LOL)

Lee

October 14th, 2013
7:22 am

Freaky well well well, First define what is freaky to you. I bet everyone definition is some what different. Lol

In a strawberry letter a few weeks ago a women was complaining her husband chained himself up and asked to be whipped. that was not her thing, but i would not have a problem with that. Hehe darling i had a bad day you don’t know what you are in for… lords knows lol

I did not have any children with my X. I do have one child from a previous relationship.

hagd everyone

2CPTG©

October 14th, 2013
9:06 am

yes, we want someone freaky!

Leggs

October 14th, 2013
9:15 am

Do I want freaky? Yes, I do. Now, there are so many levels of freakdom so you just have to know what you’re down for and what you’re not down for. I do not understand the eroticism one gets from being nearly choked out during intimacy, so that level I can’t climb up to. Intimacy and being “choked out” shouldn’t even be in the same sentence.

Lee ~ I heard that letter and the wife had room for concern. He just sprang his newly revealed freakness on her. She was somewhat reluctant to participate in things he wanted, but she tried. However, he was taking it too far w/o even talking with her to see what she was comfortable with and what she wasn’t. To come home and fine your hubby chained to the bed wearing lacefront wigs and garments will either be met with laughter, shock, tears or disgust. Have the convo first!!!

Good morning!

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
9:51 am

Morning All!!

Topic – Yeah, and they say women don’t know what they want!LOL!! Looks like ole dude is outmatched! I love it, talking that ish about a woman’s skills can make or break the relationship, yet he “can’t hang”.

This is actually nothing new, nothing more than the old double standard rearing it’s ugly head. You want a freak, but not “too freaky”, wondering how she got her skill and questioning whether she’s wife material and all that.

Bump balance, he just needs to grow a pair. If he can’t stomp with the big dogs, then stick to the tamer ladies and keep his judgements to himself.

disco

October 14th, 2013
9:53 am

good (slow) morning. I want freaky JUST not freakier than me. lol.

disco

October 14th, 2013
9:58 am

leggs – did you finish the book? lol. (typing that made me think of latifah in mama flora’s family “did he chop the wood”?)

leggs – there’s an art to that choking thing (just like there’s an art to that smacking thing – lol). I can get with that. oops. was that TMI too early in the morning? lol.

Leggs

October 14th, 2013
9:58 am

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREAMSM!♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

Single and Happy

October 14th, 2013
9:59 am

Kimmie, if she’s freaky, she’s great wife material, I don’t care where she practiced before me.

Disco, so what is freakier than you?? :-)

disco

October 14th, 2013
9:59 am

hey kimmie – getting your marty mar on this a.m. “stomping with the big dogs”. lol.

there, I’m all caught up. lol.

disco

October 14th, 2013
10:02 am

single – I won’t go into specifics but I will say that I imagine being with a man that was freakier than I am or more adventurous than I am would ultimately lead to this man nagging me or pressuring me to do or try stuff which would ultimately lead to us arguing, fighting and being at odds with one another. it’s best that I be the freaky one and he just appreciate what he’s got. lol.

Leggs

October 14th, 2013
10:08 am

disco ~ no. Had two emergencies over the weekend that prevented me from doing any reading. Had to go down to my child’s school because her car almost blew up (let her tell you). Melted the reservoir cap, thermastat blew, radiator cap melted. A hot mess. We went and fixed it ourselves. Well, I didn’t fix crap. I paid for the parts and her father fixed everything. Took 3.5 hrs, but he fixed it all.

Next his mother is rushed to hospital with congentive heart failure and his sister flew in town and is staying with me. Between cooking and hospital visit, no time to sit and enjoy a good book. But, you would have enjoyed our conversation last night on slavery and books. She was taken aback that I enjoyed those type of books, and she passed on a site to me to purchase more books that I’m going to pass along to you just in case you’re not familiar with it. We talked until midnight, it was quite a convo. I thought of you because I knew you would have been great contirbutor to the convo (www.powells.com). I gave her my books “Cane River” and “Red River” because she’s never heard of them.

DuShawn

October 14th, 2013
10:10 am

I’m down for whateva……..just leave my anus alone.

Single and Happy

October 14th, 2013
10:16 am

Disco, you know the blog needs details (LOL)

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
10:18 am

Hey Disco!! – Martin is my favorite show of all time!! Yep, stomping with the big dogs!!

Single – You don’t practice the double standard, but alot of your brothers still do!

Celisea

October 14th, 2013
10:18 am

Communication is key….for this type issue, I believe.

The nerve of the dude in today’s post. Diva’s friend suck…lol Why do you need a categorized “ho” for freaky?? Why are you “okay” with someone you’re gonna mentally, physically and emotionally trash (once done) to do all the nasty you enjoy? Why can’t your woman put the freaky deaky on you and you be cool with that? JUDGEMENTAL is what I call it, because I can bet my next check that if it was some chick he was gonna pick up, get freaked to the third degree with, and that’s it, he would be cool with that. Funny how some dudes feel there are “certain” women for getting freaky with. Naw, it’s his woman coming out of her bag of tricks on him and he can’t handle it. I LOVE it.

I say do what you like, but if your “freak ‘em” is off the meter, careful with that…lol You might send some into shock, as evidenced by Diva’s post….lol No, in all seriousness, get to know your boo before you reveal whatever it is you relish in, because most folks don’t know how NOT to be judgemental if they have you “pegged” a certain way. The mind starts running left when you come outta ya bag of tricks on ‘em…lol Even if you don’t “talk” about it per se, I would say “know” your SO so much so and well enough, that whatever you spring will go over well.

Now, as I’ve always said, just don’t come dropping stuff on me that’s injurious….lol I ain’t gonna allow myself to be broken down in the name of freakdom. Naw, that ain’t happening.

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
10:22 am

Cel – Dang girl, you broke it down, but I agree. Judgemental is the 1st thing came to my mind.

SMH still at this ish!

Celisea

October 14th, 2013
10:24 am

Kimmie – All I could do was SMH at dude.

disco

October 14th, 2013
10:25 am

leggs – some weekend. I’ll try to check out the site.

single – suffice it to say that I’ll not marry the guy who does it the same way each and every time. somebody X number of years ago acted like she liked something and now it’s his signature move. you can count it off in your head. 1, 2, 3, he’s getting ready to do this. 4, 5, 6, now he’s getting ready to do this. I’m not making this up. they are out there. lol.

Single and Happy

October 14th, 2013
10:31 am

Disco, yea I know, yea I know (LOL) both sides of the coin

Kimmie yea I know they do (poor things) (LOL)

Exiled

October 14th, 2013
10:51 am

I luv freaky…..and we can push to the limits that we all agree on….

Now, Iam gon be judgemental ofcourse if her pudsy got beat and she learnt that trade somewhere else….
It is what it is…..
I aint gon call a horse a donkey jus because she gon be unhappy with it.

I aint gon date and marry Superhead because she been beaten up…
Ima train my own girl and learn stuff with her so she can be my Superhead!

Diva,ur friend’s girl been around.A Lot!
if he dont mind folks pointing fingers at them when he is with her,and he dont know why…then its cool..but clearly..u dont wanna be with a girl that is a ran thru….how u think she got her cred if it wasnt with U?…

I am not getting sloppy seconds of other dudes..

hell naw!

..Good Slow morning.MIA

DuShawn

October 14th, 2013
10:53 am

Realistically, when you’re dealing with grown folks, I would expect one to be uninhibited and freaky. By now, we should have done done it all (or at least thought about it). I mean, the freaky list is not that long. You got your oral, anal, rough sex, role play, different position (karma Sutra), toys, oils and bondage, orgies and threesomes, porn and swingers clubs. Once you find you niche within that realm, do what you like. Nothing a female could say she enjoys on the freak tip would surprise me or alter my perception of her. Unless she’s into necrophilia or bestiality, if that’s her thing Imma have to ask her leave.

Button

October 14th, 2013
10:55 am

Do we really want someone freaky? Shoot yeah!

I’m aware there are many levels of freakness and I’m somewhere hovering the middle of freakness. To have someone who is a dud is b-o-r-i-n-g. I’m not into that hard core stuff like choking or jizzing in my face or even using animals or inserting objects bottles and cucumbers or rats!. Using toes and ears is out too.

Leggs

October 14th, 2013
10:57 am

“Unless she’s into necrophilia or bestiality, if that’s her thing Imma have to ask her leave.” – I had to laugh and immediately thought what would you do if you too were on a road trip and she asks to stop by this farm she knows….I’m cracking up!!!!

Leggs

October 14th, 2013
10:57 am

2CPTG©

October 14th, 2013
10:57 am

in my Beavis and Butthead voice….

….button said jizzing in her face…….lawd!

Leggs

October 14th, 2013
10:58 am

“…inserting objects bottles and cucumbers or rats!” – Oh my, what does one do with a rat…I’m crying here, please stop!

“Using toes and ears is out too.” – umm, umm, great joy in toes (lolololol).

Button

October 14th, 2013
10:59 am

Exiled – you have heard the saying ” I’ve never done that before” right? You don’t know what a person has done before you came along. you can only go with what they’ve said they did/do. whether it’s the truth or a lie.

disco

October 14th, 2013
10:59 am

ex – something about that “I’m’a train my own girl” just doesn’t it well. lol.

ex – being freaky doesn’t necessarily equate to having been around a lot. ijs.

D – sounds like your list of exceptions is growing. lol.

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:00 am

Du – Very mature post.

Exiled – See your post is what I mean by judgemental/double standards. Automatically assuming the lady has been around because dude’s own skills are not up to par! Obviously he’s not grown enough to handle freaky, especially if he’s still worried about what “others” might say when he’s out with her. He ain’t ready for a real woman! LOL!!!

Button

October 14th, 2013
11:01 am

2C – lol haven’t you heard, jizzing is a good facial.

Leggs – LOL years ago I saw this video with this couple getting busy with a rat. Dude let ol’ girl put it in the dark zone.

Celisea

October 14th, 2013
11:03 am

Ima train my own girl and learn stuff with her so she can be my Superhead!

And here’s the rub…unless you’re 20 and she’s 19, some dude has already trained “ya girl” on all the new stuff. You ain’t teaching that dog new tricks…lol She’s pretending to let you train her…ha ha ha Surprise Surprise

You can do intimate and finely tuned intimacy without tryna stretch every opening on the body. The anus, the eyes, the ears are out!!! Call me vanilla, but like I said, I can enjoy a romp session any day, any time of the day, you can even pick the local, but I say how far. Naw, you can’t break nothing cause if you break it, you bought it…lolol

I’m gone. Y’all get it going so when I peek in later, I can do like Mmeello and laugh while my shoulders shake…lololol

DuShawn

October 14th, 2013
11:05 am

“I aint gon date and marry Superhead” ……I would not want to date or marry “Super Green head” either. She needs to bring some skillz to the table. I’m not interviewing for an entry level position that a recent grad could handle. This opening is on the executive level. The candidate should have advance degrees, an impressive work history, and a solid resume. However, I do agree with your premise. If she’s worked for every firm in town and keep getting fired, she might not be the one.

Celisea

October 14th, 2013
11:05 am

ex – being freaky doesn’t necessarily equate to having been around a lot.

Cosign…free your mind, Meello You don’t get down with every dude and then you don’t go all out for every dude. IJS

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:06 am

Exiled – Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t know about one of the oldest tricks in the book – having him THINK he’s the one that trained you!!LOL!!!

disco

October 14th, 2013
11:07 am

C – in ex’s defense, I imagine not everyone knows every trick so…. theoretically he might be able to teach a thing or to but he sure enough will not be the instructor extraordinaire that he fancies himself to be. lol.

disco

October 14th, 2013
11:08 am

wow… like a lot of topics this one came right back around to the male ego. interesting. lol.

2CPTG©

October 14th, 2013
11:08 am

yes, Button, I have….just looks funny coming from you…….that’s all…….

Exiled

October 14th, 2013
11:09 am

Kimmie..its not that dude’s skills are not up to par..because they did not necessarily do the same thing and he failed or exhibited less skill in it……rather,she has a longer list of plays than dude…that suggests she knows or been involved in more plays….

Lon term,Im better with somebody I am on an equal footing with,sexually… unless i got the girl just for a temp situation.

see if i paid a pro…ofcourse i want her to be as freaky as possible….
..a longer term prospect?…Naw…we gotta be on the same level of virginity or amateurism.

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:10 am

Disco – I thought the topic was ALL about the male ego!!!LOL!!!!

DuShawn

October 14th, 2013
11:10 am

“I’m not into that hard core stuff…….jizzing in my face” Can you say Deal Breaker.

Exiled

October 14th, 2013
11:10 am

disco

October 14th, 2013
11:13 am

kimmie – I was hoping the topic was mostly about freaky rather than a refresher on masking the freaky so as not to intimidate your male partner who is undoubtedly not prepared for the freaky. lol.

D – hush. lol.

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:13 am

Exiled – Dude needs to take your advice then – find one on his level. And quit talking ish like he’s all that, talking about a chicks skills can make or break the relationship. Sit down and shut up, cause looks like he can’t handle much!LOL!!

This mess is funny as heck to me!!

Exiled

October 14th, 2013
11:15 am

And here’s the rub…unless you’re 20 and she’s 19, some dude has already trained “ya girl” on all the new stuff
@Celisea…
and i agree, thats why its harder for u girls to marry at an advanced age because some of the tame lookijg dudes u meet are the worst or been the worst horn dogs….and vice versda..some of the seemingly tame ladies have been the the best porn stars…and been around in the college circuits and executive suites but now want to settle down….

How do u focus ur mind to ignore all that? :lol:

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:15 am

Disco – Girl, your hopes are dashed!!!LOL!!!

Button

October 14th, 2013
11:16 am

Du – do you knw what jizzing mean? if you do trust I don’t think it would be a deal breaker for you, well unless you’re not on that level.

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:18 am

Exiled – I don’t think it’s much about the advanced age anymore. Some of these “skills” are picked up nowadays in high school. Hearing about some of their antics, they are more advanced than I’ll probably ever be. So you can’t bank on age guaranteeing some innocence anymore.

kimmie

October 14th, 2013
11:21 am

Exiled – Also, my biggest issue with dude in the topic is him not being able to back up all his talk. If he’d never made being a freak a top requirement for a relationship known, he might get a little more sympathy from me. I’d say he was just outmatched. But naw, dude talks a good game but can’t back it up!