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Relationships: Be jealous!

I am friends with a married couple and they have an ongoing fight I keep getting dragged into. The wife, Linda swears she is not insecure or distrustful of her husband. She says he is a good man and she knows it but sometimes she gets jealous. She thinks it is a “healthy” amount of jealousy.

He says any jealousy is too much. If he has shown he is trustworthy, why does she get jealous when he hangs out with female co-workers at happy hour? Why does she need to always know who he is texting?

I literally run from this debate because I can see both sides of the argument. Linda says if she didn’t have any type of reaction to this sort of thing, he would think she didn’t mind..and she does. Shouldn’t she be honest with him about her jealous feelings?

When do you think being jealous is valid and warranted? Would it bother you if the person you were with never got jealous? Would you think they simply didn’t care about you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

221 comments Add your comment

Celisea

October 11th, 2013
7:19 am

First!

IMO A little Jealousy is healthy. Jealously is a natural emotion like any other…love, hate, anger, etc etc etc, and stirs a little with in(hold it now). In today’s case I’m with Linda. I get we have relationships (well mine is imaginary…ha ha ha), are booed, so forth and so on, yet we have areas in our lives where we are separate and rightfully so. We need space and time to breath. By the same token, let’s be respectful of one another. The more “open” you are, the less there’s a need to be suspicious.

We all know most cheating happens right under folks’ noses. When folks are “emailing” or texting or have to step away ALL THE TIME, to take a call, something ain’t right. I mean you can’t police folks 24/7, but if you’re gut is nudging you, then do something about it….speak up. I take today’s post to be Linda is feeling some kinda way and getting a gut nudge. Well, girl don’t ignore it, don’t look the other way. Men are pros for calling women crazy when they recognize something ain’t jiving and especially when they speak up.

Now, while I believe a little jealousy is healthy ain’t nobody with playing games. If you go out of your way, flirt with others in your SO’s face etc etc etc, get on away from here with that foolishness. Ain’t nobody got time for games. If you boycott (ha ha ha) women cause ya mad, try to flush or squeeze an interest out by being seen or getting with others, blah blah blah, that mess is for children…grow up, please. That don’t make me jealous, that makes me wanna tell you to kick rocks. None of the overt, over the top, apparent stuff works or should work on grown folks. Please show ‘em the door. Let someone deal with games people play.

Anyhoo, I’z tired, was up late last night (my imaginary boo). I’m up and at ‘em early…got a couple of errands to run before work.

Lee

October 11th, 2013
8:09 am

Jealously is in all of us. By nature i am not jealous but if you are giving me reasons to be jealous we are going to have issues then i will have to leave to never return, i don’t have time for that! I know some people say stuff to their mate to see what they will say or do, i never seen an outcome from that once turn out good.

There are some people no matter what you do or don’t do they are jealous ( worked with a gal and her husband walked her into work to her desk and when he picked her up from work she had to stay at her desk so he could walk her out – he kept his gun on him so everyone could see”talk about a crazy jealous nutter”– she always looked so sad )

I would be mad also if i expressed myself that i didn’t like a certain behavior and you didn’t bother to change that, that tells me you don’t care. Then i need to pack and leave..

Answers from yesterdays questions:
I was married for little over 4 years … oldest 10 years youngest 5 years i dated so far.

Its Friday :)

YesSheIsCute

October 11th, 2013
8:33 am

Good morning everyone! It’s my thursday. One more day and it’s the weekend for me :D

I think people can realize that they have insecurities and not necessarily that the other person is doing anything wrong. It is ok to feel jealous and I think it should be shared. I normally try to hide my jealousy because I think men get annoyed. Whereas I would be flattered.

I had an ex that said he wasn’t jealous and tried to act like he wasn’t jealous but every once in awhile would have a fit about something seemingly unrelated to the situation because another guy was involved. If a person acts like they are never jealous I take it to mean they are secure with the fact that no one else find me interesting and that I find no one else interesting. I don’t think that’s a good thing.

I usually don’t say anything or vocalize my jealousy unless I know I’m not being unreasonable and he’s just doing the most with whatever he is doing (texting, hanging out with whomever, etc). Sometimes I realize I’m being unreasonable so I just shut up. :|

Button

October 11th, 2013
9:03 am

If Linda’s husband is always going to happy hour with female co workers and always undercover texting then she has valid reasons to be jealous. At the same time her husband is desrespecting her by doing these things knowing how she feel about it. This is not healthy. Her husband has no argument here, he should respect his wife’s feeling and curb his activities or include her in them. He’s expecting too much from her which is not fair. He want her to sit and keep quiet while he do whatever he want to do and if she utters a word then she’s labled as jealous or better yet crazy.

Would it bother you if the person you were with never got jealous? depending on what you mean by jealous, if you mean ALWAYS suspicious of everything I do then it would bother me bc that would mean the person I’m with has serious issues.

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
9:11 am

This may be a good one for debate.

We all are jealous to a certain degree. No doubt some are overboard with it, yet if a mate is uncomfortable with something you’re doing, why continue to do it? It only fuels their insecurity. Going out to happy hour with female co-workers, texting, alcohol all recipes for disaster. On the other side of the coin, he apparently has proven to her he’s trustworthy, but that still doesn’t give one carte blanc to be borderline disrespectful.

Why doesn’t she go to happy hour with him??

Button

October 11th, 2013
9:12 am

a healthy dose of jealousy is good for any relationship, it reminds you of what you have or need to work on to keep. But when it turns ugly then that’s when steps should be taken to rid it out of your relationship/marriage.

Good morning!

MsAtl

October 11th, 2013
9:19 am

Morning All!

Diva doesn’t say how often he is going to happy hour. Just because he has proven himself to be trustworthy, doesn’t mean he has to go to happy hour with female coworkers all of the time. Occasionally is fine, but if this is a regular habit and he knows it bothers his wife, then he should cut back. I think the “any” jealousy standard is a bit much; a little jealousy is normal but it also depends on how you handle that little bit. If you spazz out over every little thing, then you may want to examine your insecurities.

My ex used to troll my FB asking me about male FB friends and sending friend requests to males on my FB page. That was too much, especially while he was out running around doing whatever. Even if he wasn’t running around, he should not troll my FB asking questions and sending out friend requests.

Reio

October 11th, 2013
9:21 am

Morning All!

I’m not the jealous type. I’ll trust you until you give me a reason not to. My wife knows this. All the women that I’ve dated knew this. In the words of my late grandfather “I’ll give you enough rope to hang yourself.” I’ll voice my feelings, see how you respond, and, act accordingly. Your love/concern for me should be enough to keep you grounded and strong enough to cause you to resist temptation and do right by me. Cause I will certainly do right by you.

My wife opens my mail. She answers my cell phone, if I’m out of the room, or, even if I’m in the room sometimes. She will pick it up, because I put in the same place at home, and go through it. Checking the incoming/outgoing calls, and messages, (in/out). So, there are no secrets.

I don’t do any of that with hers. Not because I can’t, I just don’t. Don’t give a damn. Cause, if there is one thing she knows, I DON’T PLAY!. Never have. Never will.

Even after all these years of marriage (Happily), she would be out the door if she did me wrong. Consequences be damned. And she knows it.

Exiled

October 11th, 2013
9:22 am

Everybody has emotions(including jealous) but some are gifted with much more healthy doses of each,be it jealous,anger,smiley(lol),laughter etc.

I exhibit less jealous than does the Misses.
I think while Linda is jealousy,the husband is just stupid if his MO is to always be out on happy hours with folks without his wife. He does not have to be doing anything wrong. It is the perception he creates which is not healthy.

It’s much like a lady dressing in a short short,near panty hugging skirt to church! Yes,u dressed sexxy madam but this ain’t club Reign!

If hanging out with co-workers is such fun,then Mr should invite Linda as well so that she can be part of the activities.

If he is innocent and he ain’t smashed none of his co-workers,then we aren’t going to see a jealousy fist fight nor one of them eye Monica Lewisking the husband! (u know that Monica, ‘I licked ur Johnson’ look)

However,jealous and insecurity are a mutha. They can wreck a relationship thru false accusations etc.
Happy Friday MIA!

Button

October 11th, 2013
9:24 am

of course you want to trust your partner but you also want to be respected and that’s Linda’s case, no respect from her husband. Happy hour with female co workers, is he the only guy at the company? so many questions.

2CPTG©

October 11th, 2013
9:26 am

morning…

jealous….for what? in a marriage?

“doesn’t matter where you build your appetite, long as you’re coming home for dinner!”

Reio

October 11th, 2013
9:28 am

” If a person acts like they are never jealous I take it to mean they are secure with the fact that no one else find me interesting and that I find no one else interesting.”

Well, I’m fine with someone else finding you interesting. Hell, I’m fine with YOU, finding someone else interesting.

What I’m not fine with, is, you, pulling up your dress and letting another man get a whiff. You azz is out the door. Same day. No lie.

Button

October 11th, 2013
9:29 am

MsAtl – what your ex was doing was projecting.

disco

October 11th, 2013
9:31 am

good morning. this topic is one of those ones that I can bat for either team just depending on how I feel. the wife can’t have it both ways though. you either trust your man or you don’t. if you trust him what are you really jealous of? the time he’s spending with other people? the relationships he has with other people? guess what? you are his wife but you aren’t the only person in his world and I’m guessing you really don’t want to be. that would be a whole nother topic for a whole nother day.

Celisea

October 11th, 2013
9:32 am

And in my experience, those dudes that b & m the most about what you’re doing, looking through your stuff, etc etc etc are the ones to watch. To this day, I cannot put my finger on my kid’s dad cheating, but daggonit I’m believe he did until the day I die. Yet it was ALWAYS him spazzing out, questioning my kid, looking through my purse.

Also had a gf whose marriage almost ended because she was sick of her husband’s forever philandering ways and decided, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Well that didn’t go off so well. Buddy almost caught a case number. And she didn’t cheated…..she tinkered around with it and gave it serious thought.

I tell ya, matters of the heart can be dangerous.

Celisea

October 11th, 2013
9:33 am

I’ll believe he did….is what I meant.

Exiled

October 11th, 2013
9:33 am

Reio,Would you be my marriage mentor?

call on u sometimes when I’m in a marriage funk,get some real grown folk perception?

Exiled

October 11th, 2013
9:34 am

Reio

October 11th, 2013
9:38 am

Ex – Anytime, anywhere, anyplace. Fo sho.

2CPTG©

October 11th, 2013
9:40 am

jealousy in dating is one thing, ’cause you haven’t locked him/her down; but in a marriage, for what? Hell, you should have done your due diligence prior to the vows…..and if he/she gives you the inclination that they’re not trustworthy…..then send they ass on down the road….as Reio says, not tomorrow, but rat now!

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
9:43 am

Reio ~ that’s how I feel it should be in a marriage. Open mail, answer phone if necessary, leave it out on table, etc.

disco ~ I was waiting on you to post because I already knew your stance (lol).

disco

October 11th, 2013
9:45 am

well, we do have to take into consideration that there are some people who actually think jealousy is a sign of love. if you are jealous then you must care. if you aren’t jealous then you don’t care. for some, jealousy is an ego boost and part of why they keep so much stuff going on. they feed off of it.

Button

October 11th, 2013
9:46 am

it’s not what you do, it’s how you do what you do. Some people are sneaky, it’s written all over their face.

disco

October 11th, 2013
9:46 am

leggs – yeah. my stance right now today. lol. like I said, I can ride both sides of the fence on this one. did you finish the book yet?

Button

October 11th, 2013
9:48 am

is it a myth? is there really such a thng as healthy jealousy? since it’s an emotion like hate, love etc.

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
9:54 am

I have about 2 chapters to go. Will be finished this weekend. I am amazed at the entire interaction between slaves and slave owners.

2CPTG©

October 11th, 2013
9:55 am

Button, me personally, I don’t think jealousy is a healthy emotion;

2CPTG©

October 11th, 2013
9:56 am

I am amazed at the entire interaction between slaves and slave owners.

there was no interation….one was considered the property of the other…..

Hazel

October 11th, 2013
9:59 am

A bit of jealousy is healthy. I get jealous, so does my husband. I like it when he does and Im sure he likes it when I get a bit jealous. As long as you don’t get psycho on it, we are good.

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
9:59 am

Hush 2C. Since you haven’t read the book, you don’t know what I’m referring to. Many things happen in tihs book that would never have happened on many slave plantations.

Exiled

October 11th, 2013
10:02 am

2C…there was interaction that’s why it’s called ‘inter’ between.

If master yelled,’2CAN!’

and 2C didn’t answer or proly ran…then no interaction.

If 2CAN said ‘Yes Sir!’. Bingo

Interaction

disco

October 11th, 2013
10:03 am

leggs – I am going to greet you each day with “did you finish the book?”

12 years a slave/in chains to louisiana (I never remember which title the movie uses) starts next weekend. I’m curious as to which part brad pitt is playing. I figure the guy who helps out as brad pitt rarely gets to be a bad guy. or maybe I just rarely perceive him as the bad guy. lol.

Button

October 11th, 2013
10:03 am

2C – the more I ponder on it the more I’m leaning to agreeing with you. growing up I always heard the term she/he has the green eyed monter this and she/he has the green eyed monter that. It freaked me out to think of a green eyed monster walking around lol my aunt pulled me aside and told me what the term meant, from that point I never wanted to be jealous of anyone for any reason.

2CPTG©

October 11th, 2013
10:09 am

Hazel, please elaborate, how can even a tad bit of jealousy be considered healthy?

Reio

October 11th, 2013
10:11 am

One of our conversations:

“Honey, what is it going to take, to get you to remember to take your damn cell with you?”, “Oh, did I forget it again?”, “YES, you forgot it again!”, “Well, I just went to get some diet Dr. Pepper for the game this afternoon.”, “Hell, I don’t care, stop forgetting it. Never know what can happen. Sh!t.”, “Ok, ok, calm down. I’m sorry. No biggie. Gotta work on that.”, “Well, you better!”.

And there I am, standing in the middle of the kitchen, with a six pack of soda in my hand(chips too), apologizing, for not remembering to take my cell phone with me to the Shell gas station to get a six pack of diet Dr. Pepper, as she storms off, cussing under her breath.

She’s not jealous or worried about me straying. She’s worried about an accident, or an emergency at home. Even for the few minutes I was gone.

2CPTG©

October 11th, 2013
10:11 am

following that theory, about a negative emotion being healthy, is akin to saying a bit of hatred is also healthy….

(math analogy) if a=b, and b=c, then a=c…….btw, disco, that was my major…..I saw you yesterday, that was nice!

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
10:13 am

:lol: :lol: Fair enough, disco!

I’m looking forward to seeing 12 years a Slave.

Durty Burd

October 11th, 2013
10:14 am

Good Morning!

Jealousy is a wasted emotions just liking getting angry on little things.

There is a whole lot of issues going on with Linda and her husband. If the husband is hanging out too much with co-workers he is taking away time from his relationship. That’s attention and spending quality time together that he is given to others. The texting is a trust issue if you are married you should not have to go into another room to read or send a text..

If you are booed up no one is entitle to your FB, passwords etc. Me I have not interest or desire I take you at face value and you will blow it sooner or later if you are cheating…

I dated a young lady that put a co-worker (dude) into the friend zone before I came along. She liked to hang out with her co-worker and
the dude as well. This was an interesting dynamic for me because I had not dated any ladies who had a dude as one of her best friends. The funny part was we were both jealous him because he knew I was getting the goodies, me because she wanted to talk with all the time. But I learn that was just her personality and the way she balanced her life..

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
10:17 am

Reio ~ before I got to your last paragraph I was saying that to myself. It’s all about something happening while you’re gone. I agree with her being ticked.

Durty Burd

October 11th, 2013
10:18 am

As adults why would you want to have your so or spouse show jealousy, why not work on having great communication to attend to the wants and needs…It like playing games when you try to make someone jealous…

MsAtl…You said it best…You are a muture grown woman whats with the games… :wink:

Don’t buy into Jealousy can be healthy! You do not know if you can handle what made you jealous…

Exiled

October 11th, 2013
10:21 am

U got a good woman Reio!

..now if that was mine,she wld say ‘hallelujah’, make a cup of coffee ,put some biscuits in a plate,then start a play by play review.

:lol:

Durty Burd

October 11th, 2013
10:23 am

If I am slacking and you are feeling you want me to pick up the pace, just tell me I don’t need jealous to come in as a distraction…

Ladies do you feel like you should have your SO or husband FB passsword, phone password or go and listen to his voicemail? That sounds like a distrust issue to me if you want this information…

disco

October 11th, 2013
10:25 am

2C – awww. you caught that huh? lol.

button – my mother always lectured not to be jealous of what others had because you don’t know what they had to do to get it. I get the message in theory but the reality is one can’t help it if a little jealousy or envy creeps in. like all other emotions, it’s not the feeling itself so much as how you channel it.

disco

October 11th, 2013
10:27 am

durty – I don’t because you aren’t getting any of mine. funny thing is that folks trust me with their information all the time. I’m cool with it but I hope they don’t think that because I know their pin number or passwords they are going to know mine. I don’t get down like that.

Exiled

October 11th, 2013
10:27 am

Folks who smile all the time aunt good nor genuine either.

Some retards smile a lot of sickness

Jealousy shows a little bit of care…where u been…could be care mingled with a little bit of jealous

Now,if she has to call u everytime u spend more minutes at the gas station that she wld want,all the damn time,the care I’d morphing into just jealous,negative

Not All emotions are the same.

Button

October 11th, 2013
10:28 am

Durty – when I’m in a relationship it’s not that big of a deal but if we’re married then we should have privy to all those listed above.

YesSheIsCute

October 11th, 2013
10:29 am

I’m not for playing jealousy games but if something happens at an event, a bar or wherever that causes a someone to stake claim, I will admit I would feel flattered as long as they didn’t go overboard with it.

Durty Burd

October 11th, 2013
10:31 am

Celisea…You are too funny! You suspect your baby daddy while you were seeing dude on the side. Just because you did not sleep with the older dude you were spending time…It can be considered cheating..

Button

October 11th, 2013
10:31 am

disco – exactly!

Leggs

October 11th, 2013
10:32 am

“… my mother always lectured not to be jealous of what others had because you don’t know what they had to do to get it” – Mine said the same thing. Every time I hear this, I think of a boss I had. She appeared to have a lot going for herself. She was outwardly beautiful, smart, fabulous dresser, a shoot from the hip type of gal. Hanging out with her I quickly learned she had a drug addiction, had financial problems, and was being used by the guy she was dating at that time. Well, I knew of 2 guys she was juggling, but they were juggling her.