accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Dating: Dealing with the bait and switch?

Many of my guy friends complain that women have a bad habit of changing things up once they get comfortable. Some “changes” are easier to tolerate than others but in those extreme cases, things can get dicey.

Take for instance, drinking or sex. How do you feel about dating someone who did/did not drink or have sex when you started dating but stopped/started after you were a couple?

I have two friends dealing with this bait and switch dilemma. Liz says she met her guy at church and he supposedly did not smoke or drink. After they got serious, he “suddenly” has a cigar hobby and drinks when he watches the game. Is she wrong to dump him if she believes he did the bait and switch?

My friend Keith told me that he really decided to date his girlfriend exclusively after he realized their sexual chemistry was “out of this world” great. She recently told him that she wants to abstain because of her spiritual journey and he is having a hard time dealing with this kind of change. Is he wrong to dump her now that the thing that made him like her so much is missing?

How common is this bait and switch problem in dating? Has it happened to you before? How did you handle it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

222 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

October 9th, 2013
7:20 am

Hello all

Sometimes it’s people being who they think the other person want’s them to be “bait and switch”! And other times people just change over time. How long before this change happens determines what it may have been. But if you don’t like the person that they have become then maybe you should move on, there’s no rule that say you have to stay with someone.

Lee

October 9th, 2013
7:21 am

How common is this bait and switch problem in dating? I think it is a major problem, people act all the time–excuse me i was going out with this type of person, just who are you now?!

Has it happened to you before? How did you handle it? Yes it has happened to me, i got divorced that is how i handled it. No one has time for lies and games.

Keith problem is he only focused on the sex part there is more to life than that, if they were married and she had a “women issue” what would he do then?… Since it was just the sex he needs to dump her, and let her find someone that likes all of her

If i was Liz i would be asking so when did you start this smoking and drinking? depending on what he said is what i would do, how long did they date for ? I mean if its been a year and he never once smoked or drank around her i would be wondering why the change now, it is cause you feel you have me now that you can be who you really are, if so then buddy i am gone, like the wind … actors are not wanted go to hollywood and try your acting out there.

HAGD

Hazel

October 9th, 2013
8:11 am

You are suppose to get more comfortable as you go on in your relationship. But drastic changes are def going to effect the relationship as you didn’t reveal that to your partner. It depends on how serious the new change is. Drinking/smoking ..ehh, not that big of a deal (in my book). Physical, however is something big, if you started off with being physical and then just stopped. If he likes her enough to stick around then good for her. If he leaves, can’t blame him.

Exiled

October 9th, 2013
8:16 am

Its not necessarily bait and switch but just that folks grow and change!

As for the sex part,so if she didn’t lick back then but he liked it still and he gave her a starter role but now that they’re an item and he discovered that she could crawl(lick it) and purr to add excitement,that should be considered a bait and switch?

Da hell? (to quote 2C) :lol:

Folks live and learn and change!

No bait and switch.

Either you stay or u go.

Your choice.

..good merning MIA!

SlimNu

October 9th, 2013
8:32 am

I’ve been with a dude that, after some time really slowed down on the bedroom action….and it definitely was hard to deal with. Usually, it’s women that come up with some spiritual guilt or some other reasons why they no longer want to get it in. Very rare to hear it from a guy.

Drinking wouldn’t be a big deal to me unless they were a closet alcoholic…but if a dude lied about smoking, I would have a hard time with that.

Button

October 9th, 2013
8:51 am

People change daily, what are you going to do, dump a date everytime they change? The guy that is all of a sudden smoking and drinking was already smoking and drinking just not around LIz. He didn’t change, he LIED! The girl who wants to explore her new found religion has a right to do whatever it is she wants to with HER body. She changed her mind about having schex outside of marriage. If Keith is not on board then he should move on if he’s not willing to put schex aside and date her.

we grow, we explore,we change/ our mind!

Good morning!

Reio

October 9th, 2013
8:54 am

Morning all!

Some of you guys/gals on here wonder why I was so quick to dump women back during my dating years. Well, here’s one reason, among others, why.

If they change into something, not to your liking, Dump’em. Simple. Sorry. Don’t look back. Just the way it is.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
8:56 am

Buddy didn’t just up and start smoking cigars and drinking. He did what he had to do to get it. Such a cheap cheesy move.

The woman in Diva’s post is on a spiritual journey. She owes no one an explanation for that. Her walk is with God, not him. People change and usually for the better. I don’t see how smoking and drinking is a change for the better.

Reio

October 9th, 2013
9:06 am

I know it’s early on this topic today, but for some reason, I get the feeling that this will get over analyzed. When it’s actually quite simple. If the change is something that bothers you, give them the boot.
It always amazes me how some people will stick around and try to talk things out, or even, try and change the other person back into what you thought they were. I never had time for this. No patience for such foolishness. You have to first be true to yourself, hold your head up, be proud, and demand respect. Everyone should have a list of things they will not put up with. Lying, deceiving, deception, and cowardice should be right at the top of this list. IMO.

Button

October 9th, 2013
9:07 am

My ex always accused me of changing. He said I went from being a fun party girl to a prude. I changed for the better, no more partying like a rock star instead staying home more often and going to Bible study.

Button

October 9th, 2013
9:11 am

Reio – Even if you’ve been with them for months/years?

I expect change for the better, If a person starts to work out and eat healthier that’s a good change. If a person is on a religious path I’ll respect that person. Who am I to tell a person no you can’t change? IF anything it will inspire me to take an inventory of my life and do some changes for the better.

Bluzgirl

October 9th, 2013
9:19 am

Morning everyone!

I’m sure bait and switch happens quite often. I feel it happened with The Ex…it just took some time for the switch to happen! I will always be myself from the beginning…you either like me for me or you don’t. No worries!

The smoking and drinking dude…it all depends. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal unless he is an alcoholic and/or gets nasty when he drinks during the game. Most people with a cigar habit don’t tend to smoke that often. I wouldn’t make it a dealbreaker.

Now…the girl who claims she is on a spiritual journey now…I don’t understand how you can steadily have sex with someone and then cut it off because of “religion.” I question if she’s being honest. If they haven’t been together that long…he should move on. If she doesn’t give it to him, chances are he will find someone who will. It’s better to move on now than to cheat on her later…

MsAtl

October 9th, 2013
9:21 am

Morning All!

As has been said, people change over time. I would not have a problem with someone who, say tasted a margarita and decided they liked it and wanted to drink more. I would have a problem with you deciding you liked it and becoming a raging alcoholic.
The bottom line is that you have to know what you cannot accept. If the change is too big or you can’t accept it, then you owe it to both of you to move on.

Leggs

October 9th, 2013
9:25 am

First off, it’s not fair to stop having sex w/someone because you are now on a spiritual journey. What you need to do is end that relationship because it’s not fair to the man.

If you supposedly didn’t smoke or drink when we got together and now you do, yes, I’m ending the relationship because you came out the gate lying. Not only that, cigars stink.

However, I do drink and being in a relationship w/someone who doesn’t may prove troublesome because one drink may be too many for him, let alone three because I’m not a one drink kinda gal (lol).

Good good morning! HUUUUMMMMPPPP DAAAYYYY!!!!

Reio

October 9th, 2013
9:28 am

“Reio – Even if you’ve been with them for months/years?”

Yes. For one reason only. It only gets worse over time.

Met a young lady. We hit it off. Early, she told me that she was basically a homebody. Didn’t go out much. Didn’t like big crowds. Enjoyed dinner out, maybe a movie, show….from time to time, but not very often. Hell, sounds god to me. I’m kinda that way myself. Small social gatherings with friends/family, anniversaries, birthdays,…black tie events, ceremonies..every now and then. Great. Over time, she started wanting to go out more. “Tired of just you and me.”, “We need to get out more.”, “What about all them parties we been missin?…….” She got the boot after almost two years together. Got tired of this. She changed, or, she just reverted back to what she really was. I didn’t mention it to her, but I used to wonder, early in the relationship, how she seemed to know the names and location of all the hot clubs and nightspots around town. Never expressed a desire to go to any of these places until later, but she sure seemed to have a certain fondness for them. This was a change I didn’t want to deal with. I could have, of course, but chose not to. She got the boot. Never looked back.

MsAtl

October 9th, 2013
9:31 am

Reio- And I think that is more what it is (in those extreme examples), people revert back to what they were in the first place, rather than changing per se. They tried to be different to please you and fall short.

Exiled

October 9th, 2013
9:36 am

@Reio..i bet she was cheating u all this time(2 years) and u didnt know bout it…….

she was the chic that smashed other dudes she partied with and they proly knew u and they wld brag and say,”her dude is so soo slow,stays at home..while she parties with us!” :lol:

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
9:39 am

MMeello – Imma start calling you and your “kinfolks” the blog creepy crawler. You only come out when it’s time to belittle or take it to the nasty. You know, tatas and coochie convo….

SMDernH

You are never NOT what you are. Everyone is born a sinner, including you that don’t understand the inner working of sin. If you are converting or a convert, your sins (as with the rest of the world) are still there. When you are a convert, a believer, your sins are held in remission. They are not done away with until you cross over and make it to heaven. If you move away from your conversion and you stop walking, talking and being fed from the word, those same sins will come back up.

Reio – Maybe you was her distraction and she fell into “backsliding”

Button

October 9th, 2013
9:40 am

Reio – her key words were “Didn’t go out much.” now if she had said didn’t go out at all then she changed, looks like she just slowed down on going out. jmo.
“Didn’t like big crowds.” but small gathers will do.—-she was talking in riddles.

Button

October 9th, 2013
9:40 am

meant small gatherings will do.

Button

October 9th, 2013
9:44 am

Celisea – where in the Bible do you find that??

YesSheIsCute

October 9th, 2013
9:47 am

Good morning everyone! Hope the week has been good to you all thus far! :)

Like Reio said it is very simple and we overanalyze it. A bait and switch is really just a lie. So already you’ve proven yourself untrustworthy with. The little rope I gave you to hang yourself, you actually went and hung yourself! At that point there is nothing left to talk about.

Many moons ago, I might have tried to work it out, make excuses such as the stress of school, work, or family is causing the behavior and wait for the “stress” to be over. But truth be told, the way a person feels entitled to act during “stressful situations” says a lot about their character.

Exiled

October 9th, 2013
9:49 am

You only come out when it’s time to belittle

Celisea…I do not “only” come out to……I am up and about ALL the dern time..ur eyes are selective?

SlimNu

October 9th, 2013
9:50 am

Reio – What was wrong with going out a LITTLE bit more than you had been? I’m can’t say for sure but did she bug you about wanting to go out every weekend or something to want to end it just like that?

I used to go out quite often but I just do not have that desire anymore. There is nothing wrong with every now and then but i guess my mind frame just isn’t with all the clubbing, lounging, night spots etc I rather meet up with some friends for dinner, drinks, bowling, paint balling, zip lining, go-cart racing or something like that.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
9:59 am

Button, here you go….

Luke 24:47.
And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.

Acts 2:38
Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

Romans 3: 25
Whom God hath set forth to be a propitiation through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God

Acts 10:43
To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins.

Reio

October 9th, 2013
10:03 am

“What are we gonna do this weekend?”, “What do you mean?”, “Where we goin this weekend?”, “I don’t know, haven’t thought about it.”, “You haven’t?”, “No…. Maybe we could go to the zoo Saturday, we haven’t been there in a while. I heard about a new baby Giraffe that was born about a month ago.”, “A what!?”, “A baby Giraffe.”, “A baby Giraffe?, Hell, we can see that anytime. What about ‘Slazies’?”, “What ABOUT ‘Spazies’?, “I want to go there.”, “We were just there a few weeks ago.”, “I know, I liked it.”, Yeah, but seems like you want to party a lot lately.”, “Well, what’s wrong with that?”, “Nothing, actually. But you wasn’t like this when we met.”, “You just stuck up. Ain’t nothing wrong with going out sometimes.”, “I agree, but every weekend you want to go to a club or party somewhere.”, “It ain’t every weekend, just more than we been going….”. On and on about it. So, I had to cut her loose. Glad I did. She wanted to talk about it….Started backtracking once she saw how bothered I was. “Well, I’m not really like that. I just want to be seen with you in public. You know?” Trying to butter me up. But to no avail. I pushed her over the cliff.

Button

October 9th, 2013
10:04 am

Celisea – none of those scriptures ties into what you said @ 9:39. by doing a word search on remission of sins.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:05 am

Button – I’m not going to go into a long drawn out lesson :) I don’t think it would be fair to this forum.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:07 am

And yes, they do. It can’t get much simpler than those verses. You repent/convert and believe in exchange for Christ retaining/holding/keeping your sins in remission…thus “repent for the remission of your sins”

disco

October 9th, 2013
10:09 am

good morning.

the topic on doug banks radio show the other day was who tries to change who more, men or women. some interesting stories of failed and successful change attempts

bluz – I’m with you re old girl’s spiritual journey. it could be legit but religious game is just as real as all other forms of game.

kimmie

October 9th, 2013
10:12 am

Morning Gang!

Sometimes it’s bait & switch, sometimes it’s lying, sometimes it’s change. Depends on the situation. The dude drinking & smoking is probably a bait & switch since he met Liz at church. He thought she would not accept him. A mistake, but Liz has to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for her.

The Keith situation is tough. I want to believe that their relationship is more than physical even tho their sexual chemistry is off the chain. I don’t see that being the absolute only reason they are exclusive. Physical chemistry and affection are important, let’s be real. It would be tough to remove it once it becomes part of the relationship. Now you’ve taken away a big piece of the puzzle. I don’t see this as a bait & switch. She is trying to reconcile her growing spiritual side with her inner freaky side. One of my good friends struggles with this. She has not given up the freak, but for a long time there, every time she was intimate with her boyfriend she would feel guilty. I got sick of hearing about it. Told her she just needs to find a way to deal with it and decide what’s most important to her. Obstain & break up with boyfriend, yall go on and get married so you can let your freak flag fly or continue as you are and stop whining to me!

disco

October 9th, 2013
10:13 am

atl – what if you are an alcoholic, just not raging? lol.

leggs – I’m with you. so not a one drink kind of girl. lol.

Exiled

October 9th, 2013
10:13 am

Celisea and Button..uall need to come to my church….we dont tithe! :lol:

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:13 am

Speaking of “gaming”, I’ve seen snippets of The New Atlanta (or whatever it’s called) advertised during commercials and watched a snippet of the actual show last night. Vawn is such a playa. He held a men gathering because he wanted feedback for some book he’s writing. He said as long as he’s honest and upfront in telling women that he’s not exclusive he can sleep with hundreds a day if he want and he’s not wrong. I thought about the blog when I heard that.

Of course Tibble, the white dude that’s digging the girl Vawn is gaming stood toe to toe with him (kudos) and told him how foul and jacked up that was.

That was my first time seeing that show.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:14 am

MMeello – Nuh uh, I like my church…lol

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:17 am

A few years back we had nothing but well positioned fine brothers up in here and one nice looking wholesome dude in the bunch. He was saved as well as his fiance. They dated six months and got married. My guess is they couldn’t continue to hold out…so they married. Last I heard (cause I saw him earlier this year) is that things were great, they had two kids. I know what he does for a living so he’s making mad money.

Sometimes change is good. He wasn’t always saved.

Exiled

October 9th, 2013
10:18 am

But to no avail. I pushed her over the cliff.

:lol: :lol:

I like that Reio! :lol:

push her over the cliff…dang!

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:22 am

they “have” two kids

disco

October 9th, 2013
10:22 am

ex / reio – pushing someone over a cliff does sound like a good fantasy. still, y’all are menfolk. y’all have muscles. y’all can actually lift someone up, swing them around and then toss them over the cliff. wouldn’t that be more satisfying than just pushing them? ijs.

Exiled

October 9th, 2013
10:30 am

Disco….Reio writes good stories/fantasy…..i am glad they’re not literal because he seemed really brutal but forthright and decisive in his decision making…he did not look back…

some of uall ladies could learn from his decison making because uall have let dudes get the full galons of milk at zero or half price then watched as the dudes ditched the ur cows fro another fresh one …for too too long. :lol:

Button

October 9th, 2013
10:31 am

Celisea – Not trying “start” anything just wanted to know where did get what you said at 9:39 from. Hope you know it’s talking about past sins.

Melo -No thanks! I’m good :lol:

Button

October 9th, 2013
10:33 am

Reio – did you ever stop to think that you were boring? that could’ve been why she all of a sudden wanted to go out to not be alone with you. you know some outside excitment. ijs

MsAtl

October 9th, 2013
10:34 am

Disco- Raging or not, no alcoholics, lol.

Reio

October 9th, 2013
10:36 am

“What about all them women lookin at you?”, “What women lookin at me?”, “All them women at ‘Spazies’”, “What women at ‘Spazies’?”, “All them women that were checking you out.”, “I didn’t notice any women checkin me out at ‘Spazies’.”, “You lying, you kaint tell me you didn’t see all them women looking at you. I was looking at them, while they were looking at you”, “I can, and I am, telling you I didn’t notice.”, “Well they was. And if I hadn’t been there, they would’ve done more than just look. That’s why you need to go out more.”, “Now, wait a minute. You mean, if I went out, by myself, I’d have women approaching me?”, “Yeah.”, “Well, why would I do that? I got you.”, “Um jus sayin, you need to get out more and be around other people.”, “Honey, you’re makin no sense. I don’t understand….” I was dizzy trying to figure her out. Much too much confusion. Just changed over time. Became weary and ended it.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:36 am

Button – If you believe today, everything…yesterday and back is past.

I’m done :)

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:37 am

Reio – What’s up with the play by play skits???

Leggs

October 9th, 2013
10:40 am

Celisea ~ a friend was over and wanted to watch The New Atlanta. Everyone is crazy on that show. The light skinned girl with the black roots and golden hair is trying to become a “standout” so she can get a spinoff like NeNe…ain’t happening. Vawn definitely has game and Tribble (white dude) stood toe to toe with him. Afrika is the girl Vawn is seeing and she says mixing business with pleasure has never worked for her. Well, honey, it’s not going to work this time either.

As a matter of fact, my EOD is taken from that gathering of men.

Reio

October 9th, 2013
10:41 am

Button – Could be. Can’t deny that. But here’s how I see it. If I’m boring enough to try and change me, why not move on to someone that’s not boring. Or, cut me loose, and wait for a non boring person to come along. I was boring when we met. And she knew it.

Celisea

October 9th, 2013
10:44 am

Leggs – I was so amazed at his game and he ain’t all that. Not knocking him but if you’re gamming like that, you better have it going on. Like her friend asked, “have y’all even gone out yet?” She’s walking around smitten and junk and he, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER YES flirted with the young crazy chick. They at his APARTMENT! Not palatial mansion, not house in the burbs, but his apartment!!

I definitely like Tribble. I like the fact that he can see through all the BS and called it. I like the fact that he was geniunely interested in Afika. She just brushed him off cause Vawn gave her a few chocolate covered strawberries and a salad…on the coffee table!!! I have a feeling she’s gonna circle back and see what Tribble has to offer.

Reio

October 9th, 2013
10:44 am

“Reio – What’s up with the play by play skits???”

Ain’t skits. Don’t know how to construct skits. Just actual conversations, as best I can recall, in contributing to the dialog and topic this morning. Thank you.