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Parents ruin marriage for you?

I had a date with a guy recently that was going pretty well. Somehow we got on the subject of family and he asked me if my parents ever married and if so, were they still married. I told him yes, they just celebrated 47 years of marriage! He told me that I should have a really great perspective on married life because of them.

Unfortunately, he did not have the same experience. He said that his Father never married his mother and could never commit to one woman. He wondered all the time if he was just like his Dad since he has not married yet. He also seemed to worry that his view on marriage would always be distorted. His mother married a couple of times but he never got to see a healthy marriage.

Do you believe that our parents impact our views on relationships and marriage? If you never got to grow up in a home with your parents together, how do you think that shapes your view about marriage?

What if you did grow up in a house with parents who were married but they were miserable?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating

230 comments Add your comment

YesSheIsCute

October 2nd, 2013
11:08 am

@Msatl that is so unbelievably messed up. smh.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:11 am

my parents married young and divorced young. they both talk about each other to this day. my father calls my momma evil (but heck, my grandmother – my mother’s mother – called my mother evil). my mother calls my father whatever words pop out of her mouth. thing is, my father is that life of the party guy that everybody loves and my mother is that chick that everybody loves to hate. neither of them ever remarried. go figure.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
11:11 am

MsAtl Even now, he continues to try to manipulate the “kids.”

See, I can’t stand this kind of behavior…and from grown folks at that. How do you have time to try and manipulate the kids? How about rechanneling that energy to be a great parent and grow the heck up?? I can’t stand vindictive folks…he’ll get his. The very thing he’s trying to do will backfire. All you need to do is what you’re doing, being a great parent. Kids grow up and they learn and they know.

Durty Burd

October 2nd, 2013
11:13 am

MsAtl….There has to be a movie or book written about your marriage, we will call it the real deal Huxtables…

Reio you are so good with words,when are you going to write a book?

YSIC…Have patience it takes time to find the right one, just make sure you are preparing yourself like MissMoni is…she is ready!

MissMoni..When you get married how would you handle the bills? Do you want your husband to deposit his check into one account? Are you going to pay the bills seperately? How would you propose how the money is handled in your marriage?

Anyone can shared the thoughts..

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
11:13 am

Can’t really get a read on my siblings marriages and how our parents marriage effected them. Each of my three older sisters, and my younger brother have been married and divorced three times. For me, it’s just this one. Go figure.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:13 am

manipulation or no manipulation, the average person (adult and child) knows what side their bread is buttered on. lol.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
11:15 am

And that’s why I said, kids grow up and they know…they know who cared for and took care of them. All the manipulation in the world won’t work when they come into understanding.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:16 am

DB – my thoughts on marriage/money/bills is that we determine an amount/percentage based on income to contribute to household expenses/family savings/miscellaneous. we each will also continue to have individual money. OR at least I will continue to have individual money. he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. lol.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
11:20 am

Hi Durty! I intend to discuss with my future husband how we will handle the bills. It will be a decision that both of us agree upon. I’m not delinquent on any bills now as a single mother and I don’t intend to be delinquent on any as a married woman. :-)

I know a couple where the wife has HORRIBLE spending habits and although she is in charge of paying the utilities while her husband pays the rent, she fails to do so on time. They get LATE fees EVERY month for the light bill and she’s delinquent on her car note & car taxes among other things. They did NOT discuss money before they got married and now he’s working 2 jobs to make up for her slack. The thing is, the more money he makes, the more she spends. Oh and WHAT does she spend her money on: clothes, purses & outings with her friends.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
11:21 am

Durty – “Reio you are so good with words,when are you going to write a book?”

Don’t know if you mean this, or, just being facetious. But I’ve been told, over the years, that I should sit down and write a novel or short stories, and that I could probably do well. I don’t know. Fairly content doing what I’m doing now. Perhaps when I retire or sumthin. No idea.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
11:29 am

-Disco I’ve heard from married couples that it’s best to have 1 joint account for bills and then have seperate accounts for spending/saving money.

YesSheIsCute

October 2nd, 2013
11:29 am

Reio it seems like the finer stronger points you inherited. It’s refreshing to see you are completely different character-wise from him

Exiled

October 2nd, 2013
11:30 am

MsAtl…who has custody of ur kids?

Single & Happy

October 2nd, 2013
11:31 am

Hello all,

So grown folks want to blame all THEIR life’s relationship problems on their problems parents. Grow up and get a life of your own.

Durty to old and set in my ways to start trying to share now, and probably will marry someone same way, so won’t be sharing any accounts.

Hey Disco, “welcome back, welcome back, welcome back!”

Exiled

October 2nd, 2013
11:31 am

Disco I’ve heard from married couples that it’s best to have 1 joint accoun

@MsMoni!..there is no “best” nothing….

u do what suits u and ur situation.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:32 am

moni – that’s how I would do it. you see I said “family savings”. we’d each still have personal savings. OR at least I would. lol. I know some take that “become one” to the level that nothing should be separate including money but I’m not on that team.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:33 am

hey single!!!!

Single & Happy

October 2nd, 2013
11:34 am

MsATL 2 years old, ask him what were you wearing (LOL)

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
11:40 am

-Ex There is a best for your situation. That’s what I meant, do what works best for your marriage.

Button

October 2nd, 2013
11:40 am

disco – @11:16 right on! my thoughts to the exact!

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
11:42 am

YSIC – Well, my mother’s father had a great deal to do with my character and outlook on life. As I think about it, everything my father was not, my grandfather was, and everything my father was, my grandfather was not. My father was a cheap, inexpensive, disease carrying….two-legged hyena. My grandfather was kind, loving, gentle, hard-working, and reliable. My father was, again, very smart, bright, articulate, well spoken, huge vocabulary…..My grandfather had a third grade education; But, the smartest man I ever knew.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
11:43 am

-Disco The way you described is actually somewhat of what Steve Harvey suggested. 6 accounts: 1 joint for bills, 1 joint for savings, 1 for wife’s savings, 1 for wife’s spending, 1 for husband’s savings, 1 for husband’s spending.

Button

October 2nd, 2013
11:53 am

Miss Moni – whew that’s a lot of accounts! we decided to do 2 accounts outside of our own we already have established. one account for the house and the other account for savings.

Button

October 2nd, 2013
11:54 am

Miss Moni – I guess that would work better for young married couples that’s just starting out, but for older folk like me, it won’t work.

Durty Burd

October 2nd, 2013
11:54 am

MissMoni..Now that Steve has made some money dude is starting to make some really stupid suggestions…If something happened to someone without their names on those accounts the banks get to keep that money!

How many folks on here have good thru estate planning?

Also ladies would you marry someone who does not make as much money as you do? MissMoni, YSIC, Leggs, Celisea, YSIC, SlimNu, Sassy, BluzGirl, ITL, Button, Disco, and Lee… Did I miss anyone?

Bluzgirl

October 2nd, 2013
11:56 am

Hello all!

My parents are about to celebrate their 40th anniversary. They definitely have their issues, like everyone, but in the end, they are still together and still love each other. I strive to have a relationship similar to theirs. I recognize that I am one of few in my age range to have parents who are still together. Now, if you ask my brother, he thinks my parents have a horrible marriage and blah, blah, blah. It’s like he grew up in a totally different house than I did. He’s been married and divorced and still blames my parents for how he is with relationships. He tries to tell me to blame my parents for my relationship issues. I don’t blame anyone but myself!

If you’re still blaming your parents after 30, you definitely need therapy!!!

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:56 am

reio – did you ever ask your mother what it is that she loved about your father? he can’t possibly have been all bad.

moni – later for steve Harvey. lol.

Bluzgirl

October 2nd, 2013
11:57 am

Durty – As you all know, I’m good at picking broke men! LOL! Seriously, though, it’s not all about the money for me. I have learned a lesson from my past relationships and will not be with another man who can’t fend for himself, but if he makes less money than I do, I won’t hold that against him.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
11:59 am

durty – that’s a depends question. if dude makes (a tiny little bit) less than me but he gets to keep all of his money maybe I can get with that. however, if he makes more than me BUT he’s paying alimony, child support, insurance premiums, tuition, etc. for other folks and his bring home money is less, I probably won’t be able to do it.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
12:02 pm

Durty – I would. It’s not the money, it’s the man that makes the money :mrgreen:

Durty Burd

October 2nd, 2013
12:03 pm

Disco no one breaks it down like you, real issues that need to be taken into consideration. Don’t get married then start complaining I did not know he had all those support payments…hehehehehe!

Single & Happy

October 2nd, 2013
12:03 pm

(a tiny little bit) roflmao

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
12:05 pm

Whoa! I step into a meeting and miss a whole page…

Durty- You are so on point! However, to the extent that I have children and he is still their father, I do not wish to put all of the sordid details in a book where they will be forever.

Celisea/Exiled- No one has custody. The youngest is 19 and the others are in their 20’s. I had custody of the youngest. He tries to manipulate them with money. He bought our daughter a car to entice her to provide information about me. He would also buy our youngest video games to entice him to provide information since he lived in the home and he tried to get our youngest to install spyware (which he refused to do). I felt like I had to lock up my electronics and my bedroom in my own home. The youngest has admitted that he provided information because he is afraid of his dad.
As recent as last week, I had to tell my oldest son to stay out of it because his dad is trying to use him to get me to help him regain his license by telling the kids that he could help them financially if he had his license.
Dude- You had inappropriate relations with several patients and at least 2 kids by one of them. You don’t EVER need another license!

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
12:07 pm

-Button Well if you added 2 accounts to the ones you already had established, that’s not really that far from 6 is it??? :-)

-Disco You nailed it, if his outgoing money is MORE than what he’s actually making then he really isn’t bringing any money to OUR table. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

-Durty To answer your question, I’ve been there done that with dating a man who makes less than me and I want to try something NEW and date a man who makes MORE than me, LOL! True story!!! :-D

disco

October 2nd, 2013
12:07 pm

single – laugh but you know I meant that. in one of Langston hughes’ simple books, simple’s woman told him to “take over or take off”. that’s the truth right there. lol.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
12:07 pm

MsAtl – WOW…this is why I cut ties when I did. It may have seemed cruel to his boys and his folks at the time, but early on all that foolishness just meant a lifetime of me dealing with it. And y’all my mantra…I don’t do foolishness. I’ll cut ties with the quickness!!!

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
12:08 pm

Durty- I would not have an issue marrying someone who makes less money than me. I would look at the man more so than the money. Now, I would have an issue if he made NO money! Speaking of which, the new wife is complaining that she has to pay me the support payments that the ex did not make when he should have because the ex is not working. As far as I am concerned, she wouldn’t be making the payments if he made them when he was supposed to instead of spending the money on her. Make him get a job!

disco

October 2nd, 2013
12:09 pm

oh. and a brother can’t just make money. I can’t get with the man who has money but acts like he’s scared to spend it. that’s what money is for. ijs. (btw, no one needs to chime in with balance and saving and fiscal responsibility and all that. I get it but that’s not my point with this one).

YesSheIsCute

October 2nd, 2013
12:09 pm

@DB I would marry someone who does not make as much money as me. So long as he has an honest job and is what I need in a life partner I will. I won’t marry someone who is unemployed is what I won’t do. Damn what he makes.

Single & Happy

October 2nd, 2013
12:12 pm

yes Disco, I know you meant it (LOL) and ain’t nothing wrong with that.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
12:17 pm

I won’t marry someone who is unemployed is what I won’t do. Damn what he makes

I know that’s right!!! Legal, on the table, hitting a clock or something. Don’t be coming home with a bundle and you can’t provide me a trail, some man hours, etc etc etc.

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
12:19 pm

Celisea- Oh yes! You need to have some sort of chain of evidence for that cash, lol. You can be a pharmacist but not a street pharmacist.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
12:22 pm

MsAtl – Okaaaay, that is too funny…street pharmacist….lol Mmm hmm, that kind of set up can come and go (and be gone a looong time) with the quickness. I likes (yes likes) my stuff and my boo’s stuff legal, on the up and up, on the forefront…

disco

October 2nd, 2013
12:24 pm

so – no in betweens – who do you marry? unemployed dude or street pharmacist dude? I suppose theoretically unemployed dude can get a job and street pharmacist dude can go straight but on the day you say “I do” which one would it be? me? I’m going with street pharmacist. like erykah badu said “work ain’t honest but it pays the bills”. I’ll be darned if I’m paying them by my daggone self. lol.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
12:27 pm

O/T (and just uuuughh): I’m taking the last required course and danggit, I’m just on segment/chapter 2 and I’ve been reading the last 1.5 hours. Everyone was saying how hard this one is…by the time I get to the end, I’m not sure I will have retained the first part…lol I probably won’t get through this until about 2:00 :shock:

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
12:29 pm

Disco- No you don’t have me sitting here singing Ms. Badu! Lolol. No ma’am! Street pharmacist ain’t gonna have the Bar looking at me like I’m helping him out. I need my license. Not to mention, when he goes to the hoosegow, I’m supposed to ask myself should I wait? I think we already had that discussion.

Exiled

October 2nd, 2013
12:29 pm

MsAtl..I kinda feel sorry for u and feel terrible for this dude….he is a piece of sh.y.y.t,based on what u said.

I think u need to go live far away from him..but for ur kids.

2CPTG©

October 2nd, 2013
12:29 pm

I’m callin’ bullsh!t……

yeah, it looks and sound good on the blog….but let a dude step to y’all and he’s got his stuff together, you ain’t gon give a damn about where the money is coming from…cause a real kingpin ain’t gon be on the streets, he’s gon be insulated from that…..so miss me with the nonsense.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
12:33 pm

It ain’t the money, it’s the man that makes the money. I think Imma have some highschool woodshop class engrave that for me :mrgreen:

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
12:36 pm

2C- If he got his stuff together, where his money is coming from is not an issue because it would be legal (as far as I am concerned).

Exiled- Don’t feel sorry for me. It is what it is. I have made my peace and am happy where I am in my life. He doesn’t live in Georgia any longer and at some point, maybe he will let go of his hatred and find his peace also.