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Parents ruin marriage for you?

I had a date with a guy recently that was going pretty well. Somehow we got on the subject of family and he asked me if my parents ever married and if so, were they still married. I told him yes, they just celebrated 47 years of marriage! He told me that I should have a really great perspective on married life because of them.

Unfortunately, he did not have the same experience. He said that his Father never married his mother and could never commit to one woman. He wondered all the time if he was just like his Dad since he has not married yet. He also seemed to worry that his view on marriage would always be distorted. His mother married a couple of times but he never got to see a healthy marriage.

Do you believe that our parents impact our views on relationships and marriage? If you never got to grow up in a home with your parents together, how do you think that shapes your view about marriage?

What if you did grow up in a house with parents who were married but they were miserable?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating

230 comments Add your comment

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
8:09 am

First!!

I think how we are reared definitely impacts how we see things and how we live. Either you want to mimick and follow suite, or because of what you saw or experienced, you want to take it in a totally different direction….IMO

Diva, you go girl, your parents being married 47 years. My moms and pops were married 54 yrs, 8 mos…until he departed this life :) :) Anyhoo, I think dude is leaning on what his pops did as an excuse. If anything, he can easily say I won’t be like my dad. I’m going to settle down and do what he could never seem to do. Just my take.

I definitely hold with the standard my dad set. What I saw in him, how he took care of home, loved and put his kids first, loved my mom to his very core, came home every night, didn’t run around, didn’t spend his money on other women….I believe every man can’t do that, but for the ones I deal with, this kind of standard and living on principles are a must!!

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
8:10 am

My parents were married, but my father was physically abusive so my mom divorced him when I was about 4. That gave me a very clear picture that a man should NOT be hitting on a woman and that’s still something that I hold to today.

I am a big believer in marriage, because I was still fortunate enough to see other happily married couples who were making it work and ENJOYED being married. My grandparents were married for over 40 years until my grandfather died. I asked my grandma would she marry again and her response to me was no, she already married the man she loved.

I look at it like this, each person is an individual and allowed to form their own opinions about anything, including marriage. If an adult blames their parents as to why they aren’t married, I’m calling them out on using an EXCUSE!!! Seriously, if what your parents did is affecting you that much, you should really seek therapy and stop blaming them on your negative views on marriage. Expand your horizons and STOP looking at NEGATIVE marriages as your rule of thumb on how marriages should go. If anything, use that as what NOT to do in your own marriage.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
8:12 am

Hi Celisea! I agree, you definitely have to set a standard and uphold it. It’s too many folks going for and dealing with anything, SMH!!!

SlimNu

October 2nd, 2013
8:26 am

Good responses so far…I rest my case :lol:

YesSheIsCute

October 2nd, 2013
8:36 am

Good morning everyone! Yes I think that it does affect you. We are a product of our environment. My dad is a philanderer and my mother is on husband number 4 with a sidepiece. That’s not the type of lifestyle I would like to lead. I don’t want to identify with the serial dating issues they seem to have.

But then I am 30 with no husband, no boyfriend, no kids (except for my foreign exchange daughter). So maybe there is something to it.

Button

October 2nd, 2013
8:50 am

Miss Moni – very well said!

Good morning!

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:08 am

Morning all!

Well, my parents were divorced around my second birthday. I don’t remember him being around. He was one of those father’s that felt that he was not obligated to provide for his children. Perhaps that’s why I place such a high value on my family and my responsibilities as a husband and father. My grandfather had a major hand in my upbringing as well.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:15 am

My father was a worthless, good for nuthin, three timing, dirty, low down, stankin, womanizing, cheatin, lying, whiskey drankin, wine drankin, drunk, intoxicated, high, skirt chasin, irresponsible, unreliable, untrustworthy, bald headed, thieving, puzzy eatin, first class-premeditated-first degree-dumbazz hooligan. Didn’t effect me in the least.

Button

October 2nd, 2013
9:18 am

Reio – I’m feeling the love you have for your dad.

2CPTG©

October 2nd, 2013
9:19 am

morning…..

I grew up in a two parent household, but my ex didn’t……and her Mother ruined her marriage!!!

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
9:20 am

Thanks Button! SN: I really have a taste for some pancakes. . .

kimmie

October 2nd, 2013
9:20 am

Morning All!! Blogging from home, taking a mental day!!!

My parents were married for about 35 years until my mother passed. It was my dad’s 2nd marriage. He lost his first wife to cancer also. I would say my parents marriage was not perfect, they had their issues like most people. There was nothing there that would turn me or my siblings off from marriage though. I liked that they seemed to have a strong partnership. They set an example for us in the life they led. They were both good people. We had other relatives and friends that were in long, and from the outside looking in, successful marriages. My mom always told me you don’t know what’s going on with other people behind their closed doors. She also was very practical when she talked to me about men and relationships and marriage. She never made it out to be this fairy tale. She did always say that if the 2 of you did not get along or had issues while dating, getting married was not going to make things better. I remember one time going to see this dude I was dating long distance. Things did not go well and I came home teary and depressed. My mom told me I was young and beautiful and educated. She said this should be the best time of our lives, we should have been enjoying ourselves and having fun during the courtship phase. If me, and dude were that miserable, maybe we should go our seperate ways. She also said he should have welcomed me with open arms, and not brought the drama that he did. I thought about it and she was right. Lesson was, while everything is not alway gonna be a bed of roses, it definitely should be more good times than bad. She never pressed me about getting married and having a big wedding and all. Her biggest thing was that I chose right, that I found someone that was not only good to me, but someone I could be good to. Someone I not only loved, but LIKED, she emphasized. If you can’t find that, she preferred I stay single. I think she would be very happy with my choice. :)

Hazel

October 2nd, 2013
9:22 am

Yes it does make a difference in how you date. I always looked for something who has similar qualities that of my father ( good qualities), and I did find someone who is almost exactly like my father. I just hope that it stays that way and I don’t see any negative qualities in my husband, that my dad has. I haven’t in the past 6+ years, so far.
@YesSheIsCute , you are very young, and seem to have it together. So why would you say ,what you did? just curious
@MissMoni- I love your positivity. Thats what we need more of on this blog.. uplift, not bring down

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
9:23 am

Awwww Kimmie, your mom gave you some AWESOME advice. Love it!!!

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
9:24 am

Thanks Hazel! :-)

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:26 am

Kimmie – Bless your mom. Apparently a truly wonderful woman. She did well. Very well. She IS “very happy with my choice.” And so am I. Indeed.

SlimNu

October 2nd, 2013
9:28 am

Let’s see, my parents were married for about 11 years. So i was young but still old enough to know that things were no longer going to be the same. They are both re-married…on their longest marriages of them all which is #4 for both. My dad has a weird marriage so I cannot even begin to describe it…and my mom’s marriage seems to be just aight. But i know that I do not want to mimick my marriage, if I ever get married, behind either one of theirs. There are things that I would take from them as what to do and what NOT to do. One thing I do know is that my dad has always and will always continue to have a deep love for my mom. He’s openly admitted to his responsibility in the demise of their marriage.

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
9:32 am

Morning All!

My parents were married for more than 30 years until my dad passed. My dad took care of home in making sure we ate (most of the time) but he also took care of her home and her home and her home- you get the point.
I believe that our parents’ marriage or lack thereof can have an effect on us, whether we emulate what we’ve seen or are determined that we do not want to live like that (if it was dysfunctional). I believe that is why I stayed in my marriage as long as I did- because despite what my dad did, my mother was committed to her family and his behavior did not sway her beliefs or her commitment. I held the same standard. However, at some point, I saw that the standard was not necessarily a good one and that I was not a failure by letting go of my marriage; after all, my spouse had let go long before then. I had to change my way of thinking and realize that yes you should try, try again but don’t be a damn fool about it.

kimmie

October 2nd, 2013
9:33 am

I dated a guy in college whose parents seemed to have a decent marriage – until his dad produced a kid outside the marriage. Needless to say, that really put a damper on things and they fought all the time. The dad supposedly broke it off with the sidepiece, but wanted to be there and provide for his kid, which he should have. Every time he had to contact the sidepiece, wife would get upset. The guy said his grandfather had done the same to his grandmother too. He was worried he was going to turn out to be the same.

It’s kinda like people who were abused or saw a parent get abused. Some vow they will never be that way, but others turn out exactly like their parents. It’s what they are used to seeing and think it’s normal. They seem to be programmed to think that way. I never understood it, but it’s one of those mysteries of human behavior. It can be the same with some folks when it comes to marriages. I don’t always think it’s an excuse or crutch. They just have to make a decision that things will be different for them and make the effort to change the cycle. If they don’t, then they must like the lifestyle they have chosen.

kimmie

October 2nd, 2013
9:35 am

Thanks folks, I miss my mom!!

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:35 am

The fact that my parent’s marriage ended shortly after I was born may have proven beneficial to me, since he was not around for me to see the foolishness and the filthy, and unclean things he said and did to my mother.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:39 am

………”yes you should try, try again but don’t be a damn fool about it.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:47 am

My father would get paid on Friday’s(according to mom), come home, shower, shave, sh!t, and leave very little money(if any) on the table. Oh, by the way, when he came home on payday, he would always have one of his b!tches in the car waiting. Sometimes two b!tches.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
9:50 am

Sunday night was always the second most anticipated day and time of the week for us. You know why? Because that meant, that Monday morning was just an overnight’s sleep away, and then, we could get up go to school and get something to eat. It’s the truth.

kimmie

October 2nd, 2013
9:50 am

The fact that my parent’s marriage ended shortly after I was born may have proven beneficial to me

Reio – Staying together for the kids is not always a good thing!

2CPTG©

October 2nd, 2013
9:51 am

Thanks folks, I miss my mom!!

I joined this club 01/17/06……some days it’s still hard to process….so kimmie I feel ya.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
9:52 am

good morning. here we go. everything we do is because of what our parents did or did not do – NOT. I’m fond of saying “kids don’t take after strangers” but I also know that kids aren’t clones. folks do what they do and become who they are not only because of but also in spite of. decisions and choices made by grown folks are decisions and choices made by grown folks. if you grown and still walking around blaming your parents for something you have bigger issues.

Button

October 2nd, 2013
9:55 am

My parents divorced when I was young, both remarried, I followed the same path they did. Some days I don’t think I want to even do this, it’s too much, marriage and divorce, but I pull myself up and shake off those bad thoughts that run thru my head. I don’t want to get another divorce, I don’t want to bury another husband. Some day’s I just want to be single and other days I’m going thru the motions of planning a wedding. It’s so much to go thru.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
9:55 am

reio – after your first post I thought briefly. what? reio didn’t rip into his pops? but then I kept reading. oh well.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
9:59 am

reio – re 9:47. pops was a bad man. lol.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
10:05 am

-Disco You’re ON it, I suggested in an earlier post that if their parent issues have that much of affect then they should really seek therapy.

disco

October 2nd, 2013
10:06 am

moni – I saw that. I just typed mine before I read any of the posts. had I read yours I would have just co-signed. I get sick of all that blame the parents mess. you might be able to fault them when you are 5 or 15 but when you are 25 and 45 you need to get some business.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
10:08 am

-Disco EXACTLY! Some folks like to make excuses and blame others in an effort to not take responsibility for their own actions.

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
10:15 am

Disco- That is true. I believe that children learn how to handle certain things from their parents and their childhood. However, you are correct- at some point you have to be a grown up and stop blaming your parents for your dysfunction. If you are 35 and still complaining that your parents didn’t hug you enough, learn to hug yourself. Get some therapy and conquer those inner demons because they will F you up for good. No one wants to deal with your childhood issues when you are in your 20’s, 30’s 40’s, etc. At some point, you grow up beyond your childhood.
My son reminded me that I went out of town for 3 days when he was 2. I was like really? Okay, that was the most I was away from you your entire childhood- get over it!!!

Button

October 2nd, 2013
10:20 am

Kimmie – Staying together for the kids is not always a good thing — I would like to add that staying married bc you don’t want another divorce is not always a good thing.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
10:23 am

My mother used to tell my younger brother and I “The only reason you two are here, is cause the screen door was unhooked.” I’ll explain.

Years ago, in front of the back and front doors of a house, there was a screen door. Especially useful during the summer(no air conditioning) to let cooler air in, but keep bugs, flies, and mosquitoes out.

Well, according to mom, a Friday(dad’s payday) rolled around. Dad came home and pulled his usual(9:47 post)Sh!t. They had an argument. As he was leaving, after deciding to leave her no money, she ran to the kitchen to get a butcher’s knife to stab him with. He saw her and began to run. So, she threw it at him. He pushed the unhooked screen door open, ran to the car, and got away. According to mom, had he required another split second to unhook that screen door, he would have died right there, cause the butcher’s knife went through the screen with such force, that it lodged in one of those wooden columns on the front porch, and had to be pried loose, cause it was so deeply imbedded in the wood. This event occurred before my brother and I were conceived. We are the two youngest of the children.

Miss Moni

October 2nd, 2013
10:35 am

-Button I know a couple who got married because she was pregnant. Fast forward when the child is 18 and then he wants to part ways (divorce), mind you he’s been cheating throughout the duration of the marriage. She stayed because she claimed she didn’t want another woman benefiting from her husband. They’ve been married 35 years, but I can honestly say I don’t want that kind of marriage either.

YesSheIsCute

October 2nd, 2013
10:40 am

@HazelI feel like their unnecessary dramas and foolishness have affected me in that I’ve learned from them what not to do, what doesn’t work…and have had to figure what does works on my own. I like to think I’m more mature in the way that I see the mechanics and nuances of a functional relationship and that I can make better decisions and not be a serial dater but then I’m not in a relationship so I guess I can’t really say I’m doing so much better than they are can I?

@Msatl you would be surprised the stuff kids do remember

disco

October 2nd, 2013
10:41 am

atl – when he was 2??? who told him? he surely doesn’t remember. lol.

reio – I hope your mom knows that screen door isn’t the ONLY reason y’all are here. lol.

Kimmie

October 2nd, 2013
10:50 am

Disco – I so feel ya, about blaming the parents. Thats why I said either u reject the example & decide to lead a different life or u like the way u have chosen to live. At a point, society dont care that u never got hugged as a child!!lol!!

2C – It has been since 9/10/96 & sometimes it feels like yesterday!

Button – I agree re 10:20.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
10:51 am

I thank God that my father’s tomfoolery and hooliganism had no adverse effect on me. I will say this, however, that after meeting him, after not having seen him since I was two, during my adolescent/teenage years, I realized, rather quickly, that everything bad my mom said about him was true. And the words that I choose to use, to describe him, is a vain attempt, on my part, to be kind and accurate. The bad things aside however, I would have to say that he was quite bright, articulate, perceptive, and extremely quick witted. Huge vocabulary. Well spoken. In addition to being worth less than the grape bubblegum stuck on the bottom of my left shoe.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
10:52 am

I can only remember as far back as 4, and specifically an event. The school my sibs attended (and mom worked at) was taking pictures. I had on a soft pink dress. I remember stepping on a crate for the photographer, but that’s about all I can really remember. I think around the age of 5 is about the time I can look back and recall stuff.

Remembering from 2 is….wow!! Fantab!

Button

October 2nd, 2013
10:53 am

MsAtl – not surprising at all. Many folks stay in dead end marriage for one reason or another. I know my dad did/is, he said that’s the only reason he’ hasn’t given in bc he doesn’t want another divorce.

Reio

October 2nd, 2013
10:54 am

disco – But, of course. Yes. She was young, naïve, and impressionable. Said that she loved him and wanted it to work. She had already had three girls by him,and felt they needed him as well.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
11:01 am

O/T: I feel like Kimmie and the singing coworker that just works her dern nerves…lol I listening to Jekyll/Hyde right now. Just crazy and retarded. How stupid is it to try and be several folks all at once??? Remember the chick I mentioned last week?

Just uuugh, I want to tell her shut the hell up!!! LOLOLOL But, Imma be a good listener and just nod :)

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
11:01 am

Yes/Disco/Celisea- I suspect that his dad kept that “memory” going. As a rule, I didn’t leave my children. However, when they were 2, 10 & 11, I went with my girlfriend to Alabama to visit her family and take in the civil rights sites. When I returned, the house was clean and the kids were sitting on the sofa, hands folded. Afterward, whenever I said I was going to Walmart, they would all jump up behind me. I later learned that their dad had told them I said I was going to Walmart, (but I was gone for 3 days). They still remind me of the time I went to Walmart and ran away and nothing I have told them can convince them otherwise.
This, I don’t think my son “remembers”, but rather he remembers his dad harping on it. I had been the primary parent and was at first a stay at home mom while dad pretty much got off the hook.

Durty Burd

October 2nd, 2013
11:03 am

Good Morning!

My parents did not marry and it did not affect my view on marriage. I formed my opinions on marriage based upon seeing my relatives having long, strong and content marriages. My problem is these darn women they simply will not leave me alone…j/k…

Kimmie actually made a great statement (unbelieveable) you have to find someone whom you actually like and have some like minded thoughts, ideas and beliefs. I have choosen the opposite too many times, now I seek one who is similiar to me beliefs, ideas and thoughts.

Hazel…MissMoni is Miss positive she has a great outlook on life… :wink:

PBS…Get educated about the Affordable Care Act it could save you some money because based on your income.

Celisea

October 2nd, 2013
11:03 am

MsAtl – I suspect that his dad kept that “memory” going

This could very well be….I can see this.

Exiled

October 2nd, 2013
11:06 am

Interesting…….

Good morning!

MsAtl

October 2nd, 2013
11:07 am

Celisea- I can see it also. Dad was very manipulative. Even now, he continues to try to manipulate the “kids.”