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Can she be trusted?

Relationships are hard enough sometimes without adding a layer of distrust to the mix. So what do you do when you are dating or in a relationship with someone who has proven to be untrustworthy? When we talked earlier this week about proceeding with caution, a male reader emailed me about his situation.

He is 32 and has been seeing a 28 year old graduate student. In the short time that they have been exclusive, he still doesn’t quite trust her fully. You’re probably asking the same question I did, “So why are you still with her?” and so I asked him! His response? Well he cares about her and thinks that over time he can learn to trust her more. It usually takes him a long time to get to that point.

I guess it is good to recognize an issue that you have and try to work on it. I just find it strange that a guy has dated someone for six months but he does not feel comfortable leaving her alone at his house. Maybe the issue is not with her, it is with him?

To be fair, he has caught her in a couple of lies, which he described as minor. I don’t want to analyze the poor guy too much but it made me wonder how many men have a hard time trusting women?

We hear so many crazy dating stories and even share our own misadventures here each day! Are we making it hard on ourselves when it comes to trusting someone enough to date them?

Do you think trust/distrust is a real issue in dating?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

287 comments Add your comment

Lee

September 27th, 2013
7:09 am

No you should not automatically trust– that comes with time while dating, now if you still don’t trust them do not get into a exclusive relationship and leave he/she alone… no one has time for that.

He should no that by 32 years old.. a lie is a lie she will only keep that up…

tgif

Kat

September 27th, 2013
8:35 am

Trust is earned, not easily given. Especially in romantic relationships! Not until we moved in together did my boyfriend (now husband) and I share keys. No regrets!

SlimNu

September 27th, 2013
8:44 am

Wise – Did he tell you exactly what the small lies were?

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
8:59 am

“So what do you do when you are dating or in a relationship with someone who has proven to be untrustworthy?” – for me, I end it. Too much effort and discomfort trying to discern if one is constantly being forthright with you or dishonest. Most small lies are unnecessary ones. Many lie for the sake of lying when all they have to do is keep their mouth shut and their actions honorable.

“Maybe the issue is not with her, it is with him?” – I was thinking the same thing since he admittedly said it takes him a long time to trust. Sounds like he goes into his relationships with a microscope looking to find something wrong. But, if words and actions aren’t aligning through no distortion on his part, I don’t think caring for a person is enough to stay. Trust and respect is the foundation of a relationship. If both have cracks in it, it will fall down.

Good morning.

YesSheIsCute

September 27th, 2013
9:10 am

I think in this instance it is both: he has a problem, since you stated that he said it takes him a long time to trust. She also is a liar because he has caught her in lies. I just don’t understand if a person has trust issues due to past relationships why enter into relationships with people who have proven untrustworthy? It just makes you look crazy.

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
9:13 am

that dude is a wimp…and his letter reeks of wussiness…..first lie shoulda told him as much; regardless of the significance…..still a lie…then, he says he’s caught her multiple time, and still with her? Plain old low self-esteem….

and then gon’ write a letter to a stranger asking for advice? dude, please, grow some nuts and let that gal go….

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
9:18 am

then, he’s 32???? dude, you’re supposed to be in your prime, gettin the pick of the litter….but see, he had to throw in ther that she’s a grad student, why? because the issue is with him….she’s prolly the best thing, in his eyes, that’s came along……

then again, he might be that dude from the strawberry letter the other day, still wearing underoos….sure sounds like it…

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
9:20 am

and Diva, you tombout, I don’t want to analyze the poor guy too much….why not, he wrote you seeking your bloggers’ advice….did you tell him we gon’ analyze, scrutinize, and otherwise give it to him raw, and uncut???

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
9:22 am

I had to go and read that letter because I thought he was actually wearing Spidey underwear or Captain Marvel undies. He prefers tighty whiteys over boxer. That’s why both are on the market (lol). He just happened to pick a woman that’s turned off by them.

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
9:25 am

Leggs, what tickles me, is that obviosuly these “readers” are aware of “us”……I wonder what they’re sitting there thinking while we’re talkin about ‘em…..

this dude prolly got tears in his eyes right now…….

MsAtl

September 27th, 2013
9:29 am

It sounds to me like the trust issues are with him (usually takes him a long time to get to that point). However, in this case, she has confirmed his position that people cannot be trusted because she lied to him. In some ways, the small lie is worse because often they are so unnecessary. Before he gets involved in another relationship, he should work on resolving his trust issues.

Leggs- I found that letter too funny! Yes, both are on the market, but tighty whities? No thanks, lol.

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
9:30 am

Trust issues? No can do….in a nutshell. If I feel like you’re the gaming kind, I’m not sticking around long enough for that. If what you say don’t jive or mesh or add up or pan out, I’m out..gone…poof. If you lie and even come clean, it’s haaaaard for me to erase what I already know. I don’t do “just kidding, I was just playing, blah blah blah” I’m done, poof, gone.

O/T: I’z soooo tired today, but I had a blast last night. There were about 25 – 30 folks in the suite. All the food, beer, sodas, hobknobbing you could want or ask for…lol Oh, btw, I got invited on a cruise….lololol Not!!

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
9:33 am

MsAtl ~ she said it looked like a diaper on him leading me to think he’s a big dude. Bet if his body was buffed and six pack, those tighty whiteys would look sexy to her (lolol)…everything is relative!

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
9:34 am

One more O/T: I do ponder over folks that drink til tipsy and get in a car and drive home. When I did drink, I was alway afraid to have more than one or two cause for fear of a DUI. But folks that drink til they’re slurring and do stupid stuff is just beyond me….when they’re gonna crank up and drive home. The bosses boss was smashed last night.

MsAtl

September 27th, 2013
9:35 am

Lol Leggs, yes, that diaper part had me cracking up. I was wondering if he got them a size too big or something.

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
9:36 am

Most folks say they trust until given a reason not to. I’m the opposite. I’m a skeptic until you show me otherwise.

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
9:44 am

Celisea ~ I was at The Braves game and ate at the 755 Club Club. There was a young woman there sloshed beyond belief. The woman could barely walk and her friends were laughing. No one was helping her. She tried to walk out of the club with a beer, but spilled most of it while wobbling to the door. I was dumbstrucked. Finally, some dude came along and escorted her out. I’m going to assume he knew her since the other friends didn’t try to stop him.

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
9:53 am

Leggs – Isn’t it amazing? I bet she was the water cooler convo the next morning.

This guy was 34 and accounting, the controller, all of ‘em report to him. It was like the pink elephant in the room. Even when I was picked up a couple of cookies to walk out with, he dumped the entire tray in the little box I had!! At that point he’d talk business off and on with my guys, but everyone just laughed and grinned with him like they didn’t see a thing. I was like is it just me? Am I seeing things? lol Soooo, when we walked out, I asked the dudes I was with, “ummm, wasn’t so and so just a little drunk”….lol And they hesitated, then finally said yeah, he was a little out there. I mean he’s got all these 40ish and up women working under him and was falling/leaning all over them and they all just snickered and giggled at his antics. But, hey it’s par for the course at corporate happenings…lol

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
9:53 am

I meant “over accounting, the controller, all of them”

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
9:54 am

brother….”was picking up”

Exiled

September 27th, 2013
9:55 am

Yea, 2Can..on point with that!

how are the “small” lies “small” if you have to put pen to paper and ask another girl bout Ur girl?

….and next time,ask a dude,not a girl…chump! :lol:

..this girl is “lucky” coz she gon be running this dude roughshod during the entire relationship….

Minus the graduate degree she proly gon get,this is a classic Disco_kinda relationship at best! :lol:

Offtopic..why dont Disco ask questions relating to upstanding dudes..not these wusses?..

puts menfolk in bad light…..sick to my stomach! :lol:

Good morning MIA!
and happy,hopefuly freaky Friday!

SlimNu

September 27th, 2013
10:00 am

Leggs/Celisea – I’m going to the Braves game tonight so I’ll try not to end up being that girl. lol

Reio

September 27th, 2013
10:01 am

Morning all!

If they lie, drop’em! Simple.

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
10:04 am

Slim – I’m sure it will be soberly fun for you….lol

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
10:04 am

SlimNu ~ no worries, you won’t be that girl (lol). Enjoy. The stadium is beautiful at night and you will have nice weather!

Sassy Me ;-)

September 27th, 2013
10:06 am

The stadium is beautiful at night and you will have nice weather!

Yes it’s lovely at night!! It makes the games more exciting(to me anyway) Slim you should have a blast.

Exiled

September 27th, 2013
10:07 am

If they lie, drop’em! Simple.

@Reio
….nice,short and sweet one for friday..Reio

Reio

September 27th, 2013
10:07 am

Let me apologize beforehand cause this is way, way, off topic today. But I felt the need to share this with you guys/gals, since we were talking about marriage yesterday. Another long azz post I know. I’ll try and keep them shorter in the future.
I remember my oldest daughter’s wedding, at a beautiful huge hall, with a large lobby. A Saturday, late afternoon, clear skies, mid-August. My wife and I arrived early and began making last minute preps and greeting guests. This went on for a while and I realized that there would be quite a few more guests than I had anticipated, but I also knew that we had prepared well and expected no issues. Well, at some point I found myself in the lobby chit chatting and reminiscing about my daughter’s childhood. All of a sudden, one of the bridesmaids comes walking up to me, rather hurriedly, saying, as she approached, “Renee wants you!, Renee wants you!” ‘Renee’ is my oldest daughter. So, I follow her to the bride’s dressing area, trying not to walk too fast, so as to not cause alarm among the guests. Got near the door, didn’t have to knock, cause someone inside swings it open for me. Must to have been seven or eight bridesmaids, aimlessly milling around, in various stages of dress. Three of which, as I recall, I had known since they were toddlers. It was awkward and a bit embarrassing, but they didn’t seem to give a hoot, and neither did I. I was there to see my child, not them. And there she was, sitting in a chair with nothing on but a half slip and bra, with another bridesmaid kneeling beside her and patting her on the back. She was looking down at the floor when I saw her, but when she saw me, she jumped up and walked hurriedly towards me. I opened my arms to catch her. She was crying. Very emotional. Very, very emotional. Didn’t know what to do but stand there, speak softly, with hushed tones, and try to help her gather herself and guide her back to the chair and try and find out what the problem was.

Well, after a short while, she told me that she was “nervous”. I told her “that’s ok, perfectly normal to have anxiety, and jitters before a wedding. Are you giving it second thoughts?”. Between sobs, she says “No, no. Nothing like that. I’m scared I won’t be a good wife. I don’t know how to be a wife. I don’t know what to do”., still sobbing, “I’m not a child anymore. I need to be like mom, a woman, but I don’t know how, or what to do”. At this point, I’m thinking to myself (All them damn boyfriends yo stankin azz don had, you more of a friggin woman than you might think). But I said “Ahh, don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. Mom will be there, I’ll be there. We’ll be there for you, no matter what… Ok? So go on and finish dressing and I’ll return to escort you out, when you’re ready. Relax and take your time. Love you”., “Ok, dad, love you too”.

That seemed to do the trick. Ceremony went off without a hitch.

I post this in reference to yesterday’s topic on marriage and finding a way to a man’s heart. I guess this only serves to show that people still take it seriously, and a bit of calmness and reassuring words can also be essential, given the situation, to finding acceptable solutions to problems, even if one thinks the other one talks too much. I strongly suspect that I failed miserably in my efforts to convey this on yesterday. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.

Reio

September 27th, 2013
10:09 am

Ex – You spoke too soon!

SlimNu

September 27th, 2013
10:09 am

Tighty whities need to be put on a huge bon fire!! Not sexy at all.

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
10:12 am

Lawd hammurcy!! LOL

SlimNu

September 27th, 2013
10:17 am

Sassy/Leggs – I just hope it doesn’t get too chilly. I’m always cold.

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
10:17 am

Slim, please don’t be that girl…..although, I kow you’re just kidding….that drinking and driving just irks me……no regard for other folks….btw, who you goin’ with? ye’en hooked up with Durty behind my back, have you?

Exiled

September 27th, 2013
10:18 am

@Reio..a long azz post but very sweet!

My niece is getting married tmrw at 23..and my brother(her dad),including the entire clan will be there to soothe her in case she gots simialar feelings.

Nice post Reio…this one wasnt crazeeey!

(crazeey excused!) :lol:

SlimNu

September 27th, 2013
10:19 am

Reio – Awwwww

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
10:21 am

I mentioned on here the other day, not dealing with mean spirited men. Mean spirited for me goes beyond phsically abuse, but also trying to tear you down, but not wanting to appear as such, just to name another form of what I deem “mean.” Anyhoo, I have a friend that’s dealing with such. She says her dude got the Hyde Jekyll thing going on…..that he don’t think she can pick up on it. She said around her and in front of folks, he’s a nice guy, with his boys he’s a dirty low-down dog, around his parents he’s a go getta, with his coworkers he’s the boss man. She said that it’s just sooo beyond her how he thinks he pulling this crap off over her head, but that she’s tryna hang in there to see if there’s something there.

I told her, she’s better than me, cause I’ve encountered dudes like that and took myself out of the game. I told her, that the length of time sticking around was only cause I couldn’t concretely confirm and didn’t want to pull the plug prematurely….even on the possibility of a cool friendship. But, honey once I know what I need to know, why the heck stick around for that. But, it’s her like and she’s a glutton for punishement….I guess. Tricky Mickey (what I call her dude) would be toast and ghost…lololol

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
10:22 am

Reio ~ I seemed to have hurried down that hall with you. I saw the doors swung open and everyone milling about. Your baby girl needed daddy and reassurance. Daddy’s little girl because she didn’t ask for mommy at that crucial moment! You did good, sir. You did good!

kimmie

September 27th, 2013
10:23 am

Morning All!!

I don’t understand why dude is with her either. I suspect it’s mostly him though. He has trust issues and probably nitpicks every woman he meets to death. She probably can’t walk out the front door without him wondering where she’s going. He’s probably a control freak too. And I agree with 2C – he’s sooooo impressed by her being a grad student, he proably thinks he really got himself something he’s not supposed to have!

It’s Friday, it’s Friday, it’s the end of the week and the last day!!!

Reio

September 27th, 2013
10:25 am

Exiled – Well, my next daughter is recently engaged. Found out that there will be a small immediate family gathering Sunday. She’s never been married before, so she is pulling ideas out of thin air and having us adjust our schedules, which we will gladly do. Just makes it tough when she is shooting from the hip and not worrying about who gets hit. She’s got us over a barrel and she knows it…Heheheheh. Hope everything goes well tomorrow.

SlimNu

September 27th, 2013
10:28 am

2C – Naw, Durty likes to talk a big game but well…um…….ya know. lol And i’m not going to lie, in my younger years, there were times where I might’ve been a bit too tipsy to drive and I did. I think the time that made me realize how careless that was, was when I fell asleep at a red light on the way home. I woke up, still sitting at the light (now green) but had no clue how long I had been there sleep. Thank God the po po didn’t happen to catch me or that no one else hit me.

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
10:32 am

thank goodness for maturity, huh, Slim……..but you still didn’t answer me…….who you goin’ with?

kimmie

September 27th, 2013
10:32 am

she’s tryna hang in there to see if there’s something there.

Why?????? :shock:

Reio – Very sweet. I had a similar burst of emotion right before my wedding. I was sorry both my parents had passed and could not be there for my wedding, but I especially missed my mother. It hit almost like the day she passed away. I can’t explain it. My aunt was there to comfort me, and I got it together, but it was unexpected.

Robert

September 27th, 2013
10:33 am

“men have a hard time trusting women?”

Robert’s Rules On Dating – Top 10

1. Leave my cell phone, ipad or pc on the table. Women can not resist the temptation to see who, what and when (email, text & voice messages, pictures, names & phone numbers). Thank God for security such as passwords. I wonder if she works for the NSA?

2. Leave my car doors unlocked. Women will look for “dirt” (hair, lipstick, perfume smells, etc.) left in your car.

3. My Bathroom – Women will look in your medicine chest looking for information about you(condoms, perscription pills, etc.). Women are looking to see how clean you keep you bathroom (toilet, sink, tube, etc.). Women will also check your wash clothes and towels.

4. My Bedroom – Women will look under your sheets and inspect your mattress (stains, blood, etc.). Women will look under your bed looking for evidence (panties, slips, broken fingernails, lipstick, used condom rappers, etc.).

5. My Kitchen – Women will look in your refrigerator to see if you have any food (doggie bags, etc.). No food means you are eating out or someone else is fixing your dinner. Just like your bathroom women are looking to see how clean you keep your kitchen(sink, floor, etc.).

6. My Living Room – Women will look under your sofa seat pillows looking for evidence (hair, lipstick, etc.). Women will notice how you decorate (pictures, etc.). Women can tell if done by another woman.

7. My Dining Room – Women will look at you dining room table set-up (folk, knife, spoon, table cloth, china, wine glasses, etc.). Women will notice how you decorate (pictures, etc.). Women can tell if done by another woman.

8. My House – Women will notice how a Man keeps his house. Women will wonder does he clean it himself, hire a maid or another woman cleans his house.

9. My Finances – Women want to know how much money a Man has to spend on her? (bank account, paycheck, stocks & bonds, etc.). Women can not resist the temptation to look at a Man’s bank statement, paystub, etc.).

10. My Family – Women want to know a Man’s family (Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Kids, etc.,). Women want to be with their Man even when it may not be appropriate (baby moma/daddy problems, etc.). This is a big “trust” issue especially during the holiday’s (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve, etc.).

Bluzgirl

September 27th, 2013
10:35 am

Happy Friday!!!

Trust is definitely earned. Due to the men in my past, it takes me a minute to trust someone. Shoot…I recently dropped a friend who was really good about telling stupid little lies. There was no reason for the lies, but she didn’t know that another of her close friends and I have become close and we started to compare stories. It was amazing to both of us to find out the little lies. That’s just who she is…now, she’s lost two good friends because of it.

Anyway…This time tomorrow, I’ll be tailgating in Athens! I’m so excited for this to be my first experience. I gotta take my ambien early tonight so I can get a good night’s sleep. We’ll be in Athens probably around 7:30ish!!! I hope I’m not “that” girl who doesn’t even make it in the stadium! LOL!

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
10:37 am

bluz, this is your first UGA game? and you’re a fan…and live down the street from Athens???? damn, gal……

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
10:38 am

Kimmie – Chile who knows….I just wanna tell him FOR HER….I SEE YOU DUDE….lolololol

Rob – I haven’t done any of your 10 things listed…lol…and YAAAAY! You ain’t gotta sniff nothing out. If you sit back and watch, he’ll bring it to you. Ain’t nobody that slick.

Leggs

September 27th, 2013
10:39 am

Robert ~

#1 would never entice me. Your phone, Ipad, gizmo could light up, burst into flames, I would not touch it. I will leave the table if it caught first, but I won’t be touching it! Trust.

#4 n #5 ~ you hang with shady women
#8 ~ men look around too, but for the most part, women don’t think that. If your house is clean, then your house is clean
#9 ~ who looks at another person’s bank statement. For that matter, who leaves it out so someone can look at it.

2CPTG©

September 27th, 2013
10:39 am

shiiid, this time tomorrow, TV will be blasting on GameDay, while I make the lil kids in the neighborhood clean up my yard! yes, make…..them lil jokers like to congregate over there all the time, so they asses gettin put to work!

Celisea

September 27th, 2013
10:39 am

#4 is just nasty

Reio

September 27th, 2013
10:39 am

Kimmie – Yeah, it happens. didn’t expect it though. Especially from this daughter. She’s the one out there near you guys in Marietta, left Birmingham cause “There’s nothing here”. Smart, street wise….So I was surprised to see her have those feelings and emotions(hardheaded azz). Love my baby, though. This next one is the emotional one, however. So I’ll have to be there for her as well.