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Dating don’t: Ultimatums

I’m no relationship expert but I have made a disaster out of enough relationships to know a little about what not to do. I feel pretty qualified to say this: never, ever, EVER give a guy an ultimatum. It’s the quickest way to torpedo your future with him – unless, of course that’s your cowardly way of ending things.

I have seen/heard just about every dating/relationship ultimatum you could name: Commitment phobe ultimatum  (Marry me or I will split), the Porn Ultimatum (Don’t even think of touching me until your stash is gone), even the Pet Ultimatum! She actually wanted him to choose her over “man’s best friend”.

Ultimatums are like emotional traps set to back a person into a corner. You are unfairly forcing them to make a decision. No good can come from it. When it backfires, you try to be the victim when you are actually the opposite. At least that has been my experience.

Have ultimatums ever worked for you? Why do women seem to try this approach so much?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

256 comments Add your comment

Lee

September 20th, 2013
7:07 am

Have ultimatums ever worked for you? Never used them. Why do women seem to try this approach so much? its a controlling issue –

If someone loves you they will do what they can for you. If you want to get married and he does not just tell him, then you need to move on because that is what you are looking for, just because you love someone doesn’t mean they love you back the same way…

Hazel

September 20th, 2013
8:14 am

Its Friday!! No,it did not work for me. This is very true. Ultimatums make the guys do the opposite.

LeeH1

September 20th, 2013
8:42 am

Boys learn by the third grade not to give ultimatums, because the other boy will then say “Or else?”, and the guy giving the ultimatum soon gets a black eye, bloody nose or caulflower ears.

Girls don’t have that sort of training, and so rely on ultimatums to control others. It usualy doesn’t work on men, who are used to this sort of manipulative ploy from their mothers, and didn’t like it from them, either.

It is also a good backlash. If the guy can get the woman to demand an ultimatum, then he can gracefully bow out of the relationship because she drew the line he won’t cross. He can leave without guilt or feeling like he was the chump because she told him to leave if he wouldn’t do A, B or C. And women fall for this ploy fairly easily.

Men also learn that if they give in to an ultimatum, that more will come. It is better to leave at the first one, since the ultimatums increase in demands and punishments. Men learn this from school yard bullies as well.

MsAtl

September 20th, 2013
9:02 am

Morning All!

I have given one ultimatum (to my ex) and I followed through on it.
If you give an ultimatum, you’d better be prepared to go through with your threat. I prefer a relationship where we do what we should do or need to do without threat, fear or someone holding something over us. Bottom line, if someone is not willing to do something, an ultimatum will not change that. And like LeeH1 said, giving in will just let the other person know they can control you. It is childish.

YesSheIsCute

September 20th, 2013
9:18 am

Good morning! My comment got deleted! :(

I think ultimatums are pathetic. If I’ve told you I feel bothered or disrespected by something you do and you continue the behavior, you’ve made your choice and I walk. No need for an ultimatum.

I think the person giving the ultimatum looks rather pathetic. I remember one specific example of this Polish guy I was dating. He was trying to put me on the fast track to marriage and we had only been seeing each other 2 weeks. I was like wait a second slow down. He was like if you can’t give me the type of relationship I want then I’m going to find someone else. I told him that it would be fair for him to find someone else because I can’t be the person he is looking for. He proceeded to have a temper tantrum yelling “What? But I don’t want anyone else! Why won’t you just change for me??! If you loved me you would do this!”

Smh. See, pathetic. I don’t ever want to be that person.

2CPTG©

September 20th, 2013
9:18 am

Why do women seem to try this approach so much?

’cause they know they got a chump for a dude, and he gon’ do whatever she wants him to do! (see disco for reference)!

Leggs

September 20th, 2013
9:19 am

I agree, ultimatums are a no go. If I have to demand seomething, you’re probably not worth any more effort from me. If you don’t want to do something, explore something, enjoy, investigate, live w/me, marry me, forcing you to do it definitely won’t make it more enjoyable.

I was given an ultimatum with 21 day dude. It fell flat at his feet. When he asked me out for drinks to explain his actions months later, I politely declined. No can do!

Good morning!

MsAtl

September 20th, 2013
9:20 am

2C- I see you’re starting early, lol. Good morning.

YesSheIsCute

September 20th, 2013
9:26 am

Good morning 2C! Good morning Leggs!

SlimNu

September 20th, 2013
9:26 am

Not an ultimatum kinda girl…I would not want to ’strong-arm’ a dude into being with me or choosing between me and some other thing. Just simply make an exit if it’s not working for you. If your absence awakens a desire to change for them, then they need to come to that conclusion on their own. If not….KIM

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

September 20th, 2013
9:30 am

I’ve had a few ultimatums thrown at me, none have ever worked though.

I’m hard headed by nature and telling me what not to do invites me to do it.

When someone wants to do something, whether for themselves or to please you, they’ll only move when they are ready. Not.before. So, in essence ultimatums are designed to backfire because you attempting to move the unmovable.

Sounds silly when you think on it that way.

Morning all

disco

September 20th, 2013
9:33 am

good morning. I say issue an ultimatum if you mean it. after all what says “I mean business” more than the follow through afterwards.

leeH1 – I would say that I followed through on all of my parental ultimatums except they usually went something like this “boy if you do/don’t do such and such I’m going to cut your throat”. now granted, I never actually cut my son’s throat but he also knew not to play with me. for me personally, the same would apply to adult males. if I say it, I mean it and even if I don’t mean it I’m running with it because that’s just how I do.

disco

September 20th, 2013
9:35 am

2C – re the chump issue. every man has been some woman’s chump.

Leggs

September 20th, 2013
9:35 am

Good morning, YSIC! 2C is always starting something. At least he arrived at a decent hour and not at end of day.

disco

September 20th, 2013
9:46 am

so… did someone catch up with the bloggers and issue an ultimatum like “if you show up to blog today I’m going to bust you in the head with a brick”? where is everyone? why so quiet?

2CPTG©

September 20th, 2013
9:47 am

oh, g’morning y’all…..this topic coincides with the “Strawberry Letter” today, about the woman whose fed up with her crybaby dude…..

disco, I can’t ever recall wearing the chump hat…..granted, I did some compromising in my day, but chumpassness is not one of my strong suits!

disco

September 20th, 2013
9:49 am

2C – the chump hardly ever recognizes that he’s the chump. especially young chumps. old chumps have an inkling that they are chumped but they are old and don’t care so much. lol.

Leggs

September 20th, 2013
9:52 am

2C ~ I heard that letter and thought of disco. Of course she never would have written that letter nor would she have dealt with that dude after the first tear hit his cheek.

2CPTG©

September 20th, 2013
9:52 am

No, seriously disco, I was some other sh!t in my younger days…….trust me when I tell ya, I was never that dude……I’m sure it happens, and will continue to happen, but babay, you gotta know who I am, to really know!!!!

My nickname was “Silky Smooth,” and it wasn’t because of my skin!

Reio

September 20th, 2013
9:54 am

Morning all!

I believe I have my posting problems fixed.

Any way, my grandfather told my brother and I years ago that as men, we would always be in control of relationships. I’ll explain later, maybe. But, if you think about it, a woman can never win with an ultimatum. Suppose she gives one, ohhh, I don’t know, say, something along the lines of “Hey, you stop eating those Kellogg’s Rice Krispies for breakfast or I’m leaving!” Or words to that effect. Well, all of a sudden, and just like that, she is about to loose either way, cause, let’s say he takes her up on the threat, he continues with the Krispies(Maybe even add Apple Jacks to the lineup), he gets to keep doing what he prefers to do(Krispies), the obstacle(Her) to his joy(Krispies) is no longer there. He wins. But, if he acquiesce’ and stops the Krispies, she looses, cause, instead of a man, she just gained herself a weak wimp, that’s easily manipulated by her. A real woman can never win with a guy like that. Ultimately, having a weak wimp as your mate, can and will, prove problematic, down the road.

Single and Happy

September 20th, 2013
9:56 am

Vacations over, back to work WOO HOO

Hello all.

Ultimatum are not good in relationships.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

September 20th, 2013
9:58 am

@Slim

Quit playin…we’ve heard about your strong arm tactics.

Satin nighties and the lure of CT…

Robert

September 20th, 2013
10:00 am

“Why do women seem to try this approach so much?”

I can only speak for myself. If you have been in a relationship for over 1 year or more, your woman is looking for answers to questions such as “where is this relationship going?” If marriage is the goal, this is the time of year (holidays, etc.) your woman will ask you to “put a ring on it” to prove your love and committment to her.

“EVER give a guy an ultimatum.”

disco

September 20th, 2013
10:00 am

reio – while your grandfather was telling y’all that somewhere a grandmother was telling her granddaughters a similar version except that the women controlled the relationship (perhaps by letting the men think they controlled it). lol.

kimmie

September 20th, 2013
10:03 am

Morning Gang!

Women are not the only ones issuing ultimatums in relationships! I can think of plenty men dish out. I’ve even had some dished out to me. If you don’t put out by a certain time. If you don’t perform a certain sex act, he knows other women that will. If you don’t drop a certain friend, he’s out. If you don’t stop wearing certain outfits. Convert to his religion/beliefs. One told me he would not propose until I agreed to shack for a few years. He knew I didn’t believe in shacking, so of course that was out. I’m sure if I think harder, I could come up with many more. It’s a form of manipulation and control.

When it comes to wanting to marry, don’t issue an ultimatum, live it. No, don’t “date” a dude for 10 years, hoping he’ll come around one day! After a certain length of time that only you can determine, talk and see if you’re on the same page with things. If you’re not, don’t press, just do what you need to do for yourself. If you have to split, say “hey, we’re just not on the same page with this. It’s something that’s important to me so I gotta do what I gotta do. No pressure at all, I respect your view, it just does not jive with mine”. But see, I’m one that once I discover we are not on the same page, thus not compatible, I’m gone and no coming back. I don’t want you thinking I pressured you. You gotta come to the conclusion on your own that you want to be with me!

Celisea

September 20th, 2013
10:04 am

Well I disagree that you shouldn’t make your desires known……

Let me clarify……I wouldn’t say issue outright hardline ultimatums, but if you ever want or expect to go somewhere IMO, it’s no different than what’s always been said on here….have the talk, get it said, make it known. Draw a line in the sand of what’s acceptable and doable (for you), a timeframe, so forth and so on. Set the expectations upfront, early on. Put it out there and agree. Tell your dealbreakers as well and STICK TO IT!! My idea of making it known though wouldn’t be in the form of saying “do this (or don’t do this) or else”, but I would get it said. All of this now, if there’s something potentially there and worth it.

Know what you want and don’t allow that to be diminished. See this is when coffee dates are good. Talk about what you want, desire. Don’t bumrush folks now, but, gently and gradually put it out there….and stick to it. Nothing is worse than drawing a hardline, then taking it back.

Too many times on THIS blog, dudes have said make it known what you want. Again, you ain’t gotta bumrush folks, but closed mouths don’t get fed. And assuming anything is worse.

Reio

September 20th, 2013
10:05 am

“2C – re the chump issue. every man has been some woman’s chump”

Must have passed me by. Can’t remember my chump days. Never been one of those rough, tough, bad dudes, but a chump?, no. Not me. Sorry.

Celisea

September 20th, 2013
10:05 am

Rob – I agree

I also agree that men are the first and main ones that issue ultimatums…don’t put out and see what happends.

Leggs

September 20th, 2013
10:08 am

Oh, boy, there’s Silky Smooth (lol).

2CPTG©

September 20th, 2013
10:09 am

Hell, I give ultimatums now!

“you can get with this, or you can get with that!” if she pauses, she’s hooked!!! but the thing is, the ultimatum isn’t verbalized…it’s “put out there.”

I’mma prolly lose some man points today, for giving away free game;

disco

September 20th, 2013
10:10 am

fine. I’ll revise my statement and say that every man who isn’t a “blog gent” has been a chump. forgive me. I forgot how special you all were and that the rules and trends of general society do not apply to you. lol.

2CPTG©

September 20th, 2013
10:11 am

Leggs…..I’on even think the blog will let Silky Smooth post……I’mma see if I can get him to make a cameo today….

SlimNu

September 20th, 2013
10:13 am

Dan – Good one…but I don’t my CT has ever persuaded anyone to do something they didn’t want to do. I might to do a re-evaluation of that now that I think about it. :???:

Reio

September 20th, 2013
10:14 am

“I also agree that men are the first and main ones that issue ultimatums…don’t put out and see what happends.”

These days there is no need for that. Chicks tend to be kinda on the easy side. If YOU won’t, your best friend will. Fo sho. Us guys know this. Although, some fellas will try and force the issue, by and large, guys tend to move on to the next one.

Reio

September 20th, 2013
10:16 am

disco – There ARE exceptions. Jus sayin.

Leggs

September 20th, 2013
10:19 am

2C ~ he’ll probably get a brick thrown at him. Do you remember what I said about Silky Smooth. Will reveal later after others comment on the vibe they get from Silky Smooth (lol).

Single and Happy

September 20th, 2013
10:20 am

Disco, the chump question is like the crazy question, you have to ask the people around them (LOL)

YesSheIsCute

September 20th, 2013
10:20 am

lmao @ disco I love it.

Reio

September 20th, 2013
10:23 am

I don’t remember a ‘Silky Smooth’ Da hell is that?

Exiled

September 20th, 2013
10:25 am

Generally they’re are a bad idea!

And once she knows it worked one time,she gon try that again and again and again!
..because your a_zz is weak!
…feed it with milk,it’s gon bite you.

but I,umm…I mean,I have bit on the ultimatum when she(my hunching only friend) threatened to cut off the puddy supply if I didn’t follow thru on something. What was the something u ask?

ummm…pay her bill.. :lol:

…I had to scramble to ensure the good good was not put in lockbox! :lol:

Good morning MIA!
..ready for the weekend.

Reio

September 20th, 2013
10:29 am

I never issued ultimatums, cause if sh!t didn’t go my way, I was in the wind. Never looked back. Call me callus, cold, heartless, lowdown…whatever, but, I figured, Why try and force the issue, when I can just walk away?

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

September 20th, 2013
10:30 am

I can’t front, I definitely did some things that were outside my normal range of behavior…though, getting “chumped” like that, like that I can’t remember doing.

In my defense though, the sex was the kind that make you walk around in the daytime with a flashlight looking for a four leaf clover in winter….

@Disco, some examples of “chump behavior” if you would

@Slim

Don’t you believe it….

2CPTG©

September 20th, 2013
10:32 am

Reio, I don’t think you were around Silky Smooth posted….he only pops in on occasion….

Celisea

September 20th, 2013
10:32 am

I never issued ultimatums, cause if sh!t didn’t go my way, I was in the wind.

Ummm, THIS is an ultimatum….

Everyone (I believe) have done it, in one form or another. I could be wrong.

Reio

September 20th, 2013
10:34 am

Ex – “ummm….pay her bill..”

That’s your way of extending the play. Pay now, thereby keeping it coming, but buying time, for her to be replaced at the time of YOUR choosing. I understand. Simple. Good decision.

kimmie

September 20th, 2013
10:35 am

Cel – I agree, closed mouth don’t get fed.

For awhile, I fell into that trap of “not wanting to scare him away”. So I would be afraid to make my desires known, whatever they were. I’m not even talking about marriage. I might have just wanted to spend more time with a certain guy. I would be scared to say anything for fear I would come off too clingy. Finally, a light bulb went off in my head. I knew the things I wanted were perfectly reasonable, and I started opening my mouth. This is what I want and need. If you can’t hang or not the man to give it to me, fine. But just let me know, so I can make other arrangements.

Celisea

September 20th, 2013
10:37 am

Kimmie – Exactly. No bumrushing, no holding hostage, just plainly stated. If it works FOR THE BOTH OF US, cool. If not….see ya!!

IMO, there’s the making it known so that we’re on the same page and then there the thing folks do to control, head games.

kimmie

September 20th, 2013
10:39 am

Hey Disco!!

I thought about you when I heard the Strawberry Letter this morning. It was about a lady dating a crybaby dude!! I was cracking up, thinking “Disco would be going crazy right now”!LOL!!!

Celisea

September 20th, 2013
10:40 am

For me, the key has been….before you allow a man into your space, as in your head and your heart, find out his intents. Yeen gotta know everything about him, but you should at least know if he means to do right by you. Otherwise, kick rocks.

Durty Burd

September 20th, 2013
10:42 am

Good Morning!

Everyone gives ultimatums in some shape,form or fashion in relationships, especially when you are young and inexperience.

I remember I was whipped and she could almost get anything except marriage. Once she told me we need to get married by this date, that was the beginning of the end…

YSIC….You have dated some interesting men or very immature men in your life…

SlimNu….The CT needs some new lessons, then any ultimatum you state will happen with no problem… :)

Wait there is 2 silky smooths..2C were you ever a stockbroker? lol