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Dating: Expect something for the date?

I received an email from a recently divorced woman who is back on the dating scene. She said that after a date, a guy kind of implied that because of the amount of money he spent, he deserved something from her. He was probably joking but she did not like the implication at all. Why does he expect something from her for a date besides her time and attention?

I have certainly met that guy before, though. He feels some kind of entitlement because he invested some money and believed he was owed …something. In a lot of ways, dating can feel like some sort of transaction. I don’t know if it is a good idea to start putting some kind of expectations of getting an instant return on your investment, though.

Do you believe you should receive something in return after a date? If someone spends a lot of money on you, does it feel romantic or do you just feel obligated to give or do something?

If someone told you they wanted a ROI on their “investment” in your date, wouldn’t that be grounds for termination/dumping?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

268 comments Add your comment

Lee

September 18th, 2013
7:15 am

Tell him when you “used” to sell “it” you made $5,000.00 an hour , he only spent $100.00 so that means if he is lucky he can hold your pinky finger for like 3 seconds or he could get the old slap across the face..

He needs to go kick rocks during rush hour traffic

Hump day, good day to stay in bed.

SlimNu

September 18th, 2013
8:24 am

First of all, why would you try to go all out and spend bukoo money that you’re going to resent if she doesn’t ‘put out’? That sounds like a PP to me…a big azz Personal Problem. If I were a dude, I would not try to break the bank on a chick I didn’t even know if I like yet. But you can miss me with thinking I owe you something if we decide to go out somewhere. If that’s the case, let’s meet up for coffee, a walk in the park or some sh!t like that. But don’t try to be all impressive, thinking because you let me order an appetizer AND an entree, that i have to give you a hand job or something at the end of the night. PUH-LEEZE!!

LeeH1

September 18th, 2013
8:46 am

Women expect men to pay for the date. If women paid for the dates half the time, half the time this issue wouldn’t come up.

Single & Happy

September 18th, 2013
8:56 am

Hello all,

The Notorious B.I.G. said it best (LOL)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkFyJYzpyDg

Button

September 18th, 2013
9:10 am

kind of implied??? so he wasn’t even bold enough to ask for it?
There are some women that feel they should give ” it up” after a date bc the man spent money on them. Not all women have the same mind frame when it comes to this but some do….some men know this too.

If someone spends a lot of money on you, does it feel romantic or do you just feel obligated to give or do something? It depends, sometimes it would feel romantic at other times I would feel like doing something nice for him, buy him a gift or something, cook him his favortie meal….. but this is for someone that I would be dating for a while not someone new.

If someone told you they wanted a ROI on their “investment” in your date, wouldn’t that be grounds for termination/dumping? absolutely!

Guess what day it is!

Button

September 18th, 2013
9:17 am

some men think that just bc he buy you a drink he is entitled to some “action” oh and if you order some chicken wings then he think it’s really on.

YesSheIsCute

September 18th, 2013
9:18 am

Single & Happy Why, I don’t even need to click the link to know that is the song with R. on it :lol:

I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date that has made that kind of a joke or serious statement such as that. If a guy thinks an intimate experience with me is worth a $50 dinner then he is SADLY mistaken and it is PAINFULLY obvious that we are not compatible. You are the weakest link. Goodbye!

Celisea

September 18th, 2013
9:18 am

Nookie in exchange for a burger or a steak? Seriously?? I have nothing else, no situations, no examples, no experiences for this one…lol

Buddy bumped his head, yeah, that’s it. Idda told him “jokie joke, he he ha ha, get ta stepping” lololol He wasn’t playing. What he “implied” is what he meant. Gotta watch folks that say stuff under the guise of joking.

Reio

September 18th, 2013
9:20 am

No woman should feel obligated. Hell, just being there shows that there is at least a little bit of interest. Guys like this are just foolish players that have nothing else in mind other than ‘hittin’ the sack. Tell him to burn in hell and take his mama with him!!

MsAtl

September 18th, 2013
9:21 am

Morning All!

Yes, it would be grounds for termination if a man told me he expected a return on his investment, particularly if he suggested that it should be sexual in nature. If that is the only reason you are asking me out, then do us both a favor… and don’t!- I guarantee you both of us would be disappointed. If you asked me out to get to know me, then eventually you will get a ROI, whether in the form of my company, me paying for a date, cooking, whatever, and if we decide to start dating, eventually, intimacy. However, I feel no obligation to put out just because a man bought me dinner.

MsAtl

September 18th, 2013
9:22 am

Button- Hump Day, uh huh! Lol

Exiled

September 18th, 2013
9:28 am

If the divorced woman was asking you for some titbits,she is proly the one with the problem,not the guy….she has dated,married and divorced and now she comes up with that crap…..

Its a case of “look at who is talking!” :lol:

Men read what they see…..no two women are alike nor present the same dating “challenge: to men…some are ready to date for longer,others are ready to serve it once the dinner date is over….
..and sometimes men read wrong….

It is what it is.

Which persona did she show when she was out with dude…Diva cannot answer her conclusively because she was not there.
If it quaks like a duck..it is a duck.

Exiled

September 18th, 2013
9:33 am

Good mornin MIA!

Button

September 18th, 2013
9:37 am

MsAtl – LOL

Sassy Me ;-)

September 18th, 2013
9:38 am

Hump day, good day to stay in bed.

You ain’t never lied…I literally had to talk myself out of calling in and staying home in mine.

if a man told me he expected a return on his investment, particularly if he suggested that it should be sexual in nature. If that is the only reason you are asking me out, then do us both a favor… and don’t!-

That about sums it up for me… Matter of fact, if he’s looking for schexual favors because he spent some money then save us both the misery and just go on the strip and look for a “date”

Button

September 18th, 2013
9:38 am

because of the amount of money he spent—-what did she ordered, where did they go?

either a man is too cheap or he spends too much darn money.

YesSheIsCute

September 18th, 2013
9:40 am

@Sassy bingo!

Sassy Me ;-)

September 18th, 2013
9:40 am

Tell him to burn in hell and take his mama with him!!

:shock:

That’s what I’m tawkin ’bout Reio…the nerve of some guys..

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

September 18th, 2013
9:41 am

Dating is a transaction, make no mistake about it.

If the couple sets the expectations initially, then both have informed consent as to what the transactional terms are.

If one or the other waits til the end of the date, they risk justifiable embarrassment.

While I agree with “the man should pay”, I’m in no way a fan of gaming the dude for all he’ll give you.

A good woman that is interested in more than “getting what she can” is fine with the money/time expenditures increasing as the relationship progresses. She’s fine if you don’t spend out for what you can’t buy.

Finally, as I tell my daughter “never accept anything from a man without knowing what he expects in return – even me.” There is a transactional aspect to every relationship in life. Knowing that, and discussing it rationally is something not a lot of people are equipped to do. But having the discussion is important.

MsAtl

September 18th, 2013
9:43 am

Sassy- Oh no! Why he gotta take his mama with him? I am cracking up at that! Can’t he just go to hell with gasoline drawers on?

Sassy Me ;-)

September 18th, 2013
9:44 am

YesSheIsCute at the end of it all..that’s what it amounts to so hell he may as well just do that…then everbody will be on the same page from the jump…

Celisea

September 18th, 2013
9:46 am

While I agree with “the man should pay”, I’m in no way a fan of gaming the dude for all he’ll give you

Well….it’s a date. No more no less. Usually that comes with spending money. No way around that. Of course unless it’s holding hands and painting pine cones at the Arts Festival. :)

Sassy Me ;-)

September 18th, 2013
9:47 am

Can’t he just go to hell with gasoline drawers on?

MsAtl., that’ll suffice, but I was cosigning with Reio(I cracked up at that,too) :lol:

kimmie

September 18th, 2013
9:52 am

Morning All!!!

On topic – I would look at like this: The lady did not put a gun to his head to make him spend the money. He spent it because he wanted to. If he read her as one of “those” that would put out if he spent the money, and she did not, well guess what? He needs to do better research before making any investments in the near future. He’s a wack player of the game too. If he wants an “easy” one, he can find that for a much cheaper price. He needs to chalk it up to the game. And yeah, he’s really wack if he doesn’t even have the cajones to ask up front for what he wants – or at least sweet talk her! I didn’t know there were still dudes out here that did this kind of stupid stuff, but I guess I should not be surprised! Or, really if he is one to spend big money for sex, just get a prostitute and skip the formalities!

As for the lady, if she was turned off by his jokey suggestion, did she “jokingly” check him on it? I would have laughed so hard!

LeeH1 – Yeah, I guess if women paid half the time, we could ask for a “return on the investment” too!! :shock:

The amount of money spent doesn’t necessarily mean romance, especially if the company is bad! I will say if a guy went out of his way to make an evening special, say for my birthday or Valentines, I would be inclined to do the same for him, in the way that I could afford.

disco

September 18th, 2013
9:53 am

good morning.

lee – I must say I like the way you kicked things off. lol.

slim – your post made me think of my son. just yesterday we were talking and he talked about me being “that chick” because I order drinks, appetizers, entrée and dessert. he said he’s not even checking for a chick who tries to do all that. I told him that’s the difference between dating at his age and dating at my age.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

September 18th, 2013
9:53 am

@Cel

There are women out there that employ that tactic, dude may have been burned by it; and, he may have led with his wallet and failed.

Either way, that’s one of those experiences that should be discussed, hopefully before they order and definitely before the check comes.

disco

September 18th, 2013
9:54 am

Lee H1 – I don’t know. if the tables were turned and I asked out a really hot man (assuming I could find a really hot man) and I spent good money on a date, I just might expect something too. ijs. lol.

Reio

September 18th, 2013
9:55 am

Trying to post something long this morning to see if it will go thru.
Been trying all week. If a long post bothers you, too bad. Hope they don’t kick me off here.

I never expected any return on my ‘investment’. She agreed to go out with me, or see me, in some capacity. That’s all I needed to know, to give me some indication that there was some interest. Guys will tell you all you need to know about themselves, for the women that are willing to ignore his words, as best you can, and pay attention to his deeds. For instance, you’re in the beginning of a new relationship, a guy calls you up, which is to be expected, you call each other up. Here’s the problem; If he calls you and, 100% of the time, he wants to physically be with you, either your place, his place, movie restaurant, zoo, museum of art… there should be red flags. Why? Well, a good guy with good intentions, at some point, will just call and have words to this effect: “hello. How are you? Hope you’re doing well. Just called to see how you were. Haven’t spoken to you in several days. Don’t have any plans for the weekend, unless you have something in mind. But I just wanted to say hi, and let you know I was thinking about you.” A call like that lets you know that he is interested in you, but more than likely see’s you as something other than a potential bed mate. Cause you can get to know someone over the phone as well as in person after having met them. Let’s face it, any conversation one can have over lunch can likewise be had over the phone. Just sayin.

Hazel

September 18th, 2013
9:56 am

good morning. She should not see him again. He doesn’t deserve S**t. He may have gotten used to dealing with some golddiggers who give up easily. I like what Lee said.

disco

September 18th, 2013
9:57 am

yes – dang. I think “weakest link” might be the throwback comment of the day. lol.

reio – dang. take his momma with him?

dan – love it. I too think there’s always a transaction at play. always. even the occasional freebie is payback or setup for a previous or future transaction.

Leggs

September 18th, 2013
9:57 am

“If someone told you they wanted a ROI on their “investment” in your date, wouldn’t that be grounds for termination/dumping?” – For me, it would be. That’s the problem so many men have, they rush things. Let it flow naturally and the intimancy will surely come. Let’s get to know each other before we swap bodily fluids. To expect sexual favor in return immediately after a date, let alone the first date, tells me you’re treating me like a prostitute. Uneven swap is definitely a swindle! (I know this is not how the phrase goes.)

Good morning.

Celisea

September 18th, 2013
9:58 am

And if it’s just ass a dude wants, he can do a FWB or find a simpleton, there are PLEEEENTY women that don’t require nothing. He’s all salty and up in arms for nothing…well for something cause he paid…lololololol.

Seriously, please please please move on away from me (if you’re the man that’s keeping count) if you feel we should spend nickel to nickel….please!! My suggestion that you fish from the pond you can roll with.

Lady~

September 18th, 2013
9:59 am

Interesting~

Celisea

September 18th, 2013
10:00 am

Dan – I hear ya, I hear ya, I hear ya, but really a dude worrying about being taken ain’t on his game. If one or two dates is gonna break you, you shouldn’t be dating. If one or two date where you spent and not nothing in return makes one feel used and salty, you shouldn’t be dating. Most dudes don’t fret over that. They just know, if ole girl is a user, scratch her….period, point blank.

YesSheIsCute

September 18th, 2013
10:01 am

So with the comments that I’m reading, I have to ask, does that work in reverse? Would a guy feel swayed to repay a date he normally wouldn’t be interested in if she spent enough?

kimmie

September 18th, 2013
10:03 am

“never accept anything from a man without knowing what he expects in return – even me.” There is a transactional aspect to every relationship in life.

Dan – That’s a gem! My mom used to tell me the same thing. She said don’t let a dude buy you even a sandwich. That’s why for a long time I was not allowed to accept gifts or anything from guys. When I got older, maybe a birthday or Christmas gift, and even then nothing too expensive. Mom knew what she was talking about.

Leggs

September 18th, 2013
10:03 am

And, it’s his own fault for spending that kind of money of her where he thinks a “return” is in order. He’s the simpleton!

Reio

September 18th, 2013
10:04 am

disco – His mama and daddy too!! Dirty stankin dog. How dare you expect that from me, cause you spent a couple of dollars on a movie, lunch….Go get your kicks elsewhere. Ain’t that kind of woman. That’s how I would see it, as a woman.

disco

September 18th, 2013
10:05 am

kimmie – your post reminds me of a cousin. she used to say that dude might run back and tell he hit but he better make sure he told how much it cost him to hit. lol.

Reio

September 18th, 2013
10:06 am

YesSheIsCute – No.

Celisea

September 18th, 2013
10:11 am

Well, my daddy taught me that…that nothing is free…per se. But he didn’t teach me to find out what he’s expecting. He taught me how to handle myself, because usually “something” is expected.

I agree, every man wants intimacy but be decent about it. Like the girl, for real…get to know her and like her. Treat her with respect. Everything will follow and fall into place. For me, it’s not about the money if you’re expecting to smash date one, cause you put out first. It’s about all the things and places and areas where you lack.

And my guess would the be, the worst thing a woman can do is get with a man that keep counts, that constantly reminds her what he’s spent/spending, and that she indebited to him, because of such.

disco

September 18th, 2013
10:15 am

I’ll hop on team dirty dog for a quick hot second. sometimes it really is just about a bang and it doesn’t hurt to try. he misjudged and/or picked a dud. it happens. as for keeping score, I’m a score keeper so I don’t necessarily mind someone who is keeping score. granted, I don’t need an update of the score on the regular but if I’m keeping tabs I surely can’t be mad at the next somebody for keeping tabs too.

Into the Light

September 18th, 2013
10:16 am

Morning, all!

This guy sounds like he needs to either go Dutch on his dates, or hand out a scorecard at the beginning of the date. Appetizer equals one hand hold. Drink with premium liquor equals a peck on the cheek, so forth and so on…. :lol:

Celisea

September 18th, 2013
10:18 am

And don’t be tryna set up a “cheap” date, date one, ONLY and in an effort to play it safe. You know, not sure what your return will be. Making sure you don’t spend too much. Now if it’ low key because you want to put your big toe in rather than jumping in, you know, vibing and feeling the person out, conversationally, cool. But don’t be doing “just coffee” cause you don’t want to spend all cause you’re scared she might not dig you, hence no ass in return. I don’t like “friady cats.” IMO, it’s doing the same thing as buddy did in Diva’s post, but using a different approach.

disco

September 18th, 2013
10:21 am

C – I actually enjoy the “cheap date” method primarily because it’s quick, easy and you can extend if you want. coffee commits you to 10 minutes. dinner can commit you to two hours or more. you not feeling it and you have to employ operation escape a date.

Leggs

September 18th, 2013
10:21 am

“…he misjudged and/or picked a dud.” – why she has to be a dud for not wanting to have sex w/him after a date?

disco ~ when I read Celisea’s post about keeping score, I knew you were a score keeper (lol).

Exiled

September 18th, 2013
10:23 am

Women keep score as well….even wives..dang if u take an uppity chic to Mickydee for a date,some are gon frown on it..and relegate the dude on that count.

Score is part of the dance…the trick to score correctly..if u calibrate wrong or put a chic on a pedestal that she thinks is lower than she thinks she is worth,the man gets judged adversely.

It happens and its is real…

The divorced woman proly wanted a serious relationship..dude was proly taking a nice chic to a nice restaurant while angling for a smash….

It didnt work….All parties move on.

Reio

September 18th, 2013
10:25 am

Well, I was frank with my daughters, as always. I told them that I can think of only three men that they can accept anything from, without them expecting something in return, myself, their uncle(my brother), and my best friend. And even with that, some daddy’s, uncle’s and good male family friends have shown themselves to be less than honorable as well. But those were the only one’s I knew of. I trust them with my heart. I’m lucky in that regard. And so are they. That list of men has neither grown nor shrunk since they were little girls. I gave all 9 of my nieces this advice too.

disco

September 18th, 2013
10:25 am

leggs – just saying if he goal was to find someone who would let him hit and he picked someone who wouldn’t, from his perspective he picked a dud.

leggs – I am a proud score keeper. imo, if you don’t keep score you will run into those folks who like to take advantage.

kimmie

September 18th, 2013
10:26 am

sometimes it really is just about a bang and it doesn’t hurt to try.

Disco – If that’s the case, then don’t go whining bout the money you spent! Like I said in my first post, he’s the stupid one if he’s feeling salty about the money nobody told him to spend! Trying to act like he’s a baller!!LOL!!