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Too many guy friends?

A reader wants some advice about his new girlfriend. He seems a bit worried that she has virtually no friends who are women. In the beginning, he didn’t even notice the lack of girls she hung out with. Then he slowly realized that all her friends were guys. Why does too many guy friends have to be a red flag, though?

I actually think that her having guy friends can benefit him. When my guy friends give me perspective about what men think and the reason they do what they do, I am less inclined to freak out over silly stuff. They teach me a lot about the male perspective!

Ladies, would it bother you if the guy you were dating had a lot of women friends?

Guys, why is it problematic for a woman to have many male friends?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

264 comments Add your comment

Lee

September 17th, 2013
7:08 am

I would not mind if a guy had some women who were friends as long as he knew who he was with, friends can wait when you are with me doesn’t matter if they are female or male.

When i was younger (that was just yesterday it seems) i had more male friends than girl friends –girls just don’t like me, i learned a lot from the guys back then but as time goes by and they got married or whatever you drift apart, i still have 2 close male friends but they do not live here –thats ok we don’t talk all the time like we used to–i understand that their wives are more important and should be!

Dont be so insecure –

Button

September 17th, 2013
8:34 am

Happy National Single and Unmarried American Week!

Hazel

September 17th, 2013
8:46 am

good morning. Yes it would bother me if my guy had a lot of women friends. It has nothing to do with insecurities. I am a woman and I know how women can get. It would be like I am dating them too and I am sure they would try to interfere with my relationship. People throw around the word “insecure” so much and they are the main ones who are not 100%. The do’s and do not’s of a relationship matter and they are different from individual to individual

Button

September 17th, 2013
8:47 am

I have more male friends than woman friends, I’m not sure how that even came to be. Growing up I just liked being around my male cousins rather than my female cousins, one reason was because they were always messy. Always starting something. Talking about ppl behind their backs. I’m betting that’s where it started. Fast forward into adult life, my ex used to gripe all the darn time about my bestie D. He never liked when we hung out, he always had a problem or making a problem. Always suspected there was more than us being friends. In the end I lost contact with the bestie and the ex is curb food. These days my male friends are practially virtual and married. My SO don’t have any female friends but he does have female colleagues that he travel with for conferences. I’m TRYING not to be cool with it.

Ladies, would it bother you if the guy you were dating had a lot of women friends? a lot as in how many? if it’s 3 or more, I would hava a problem only bc some women can be so messy.

Button

September 17th, 2013
8:50 am

Meant trying to be cool with it.

Button

September 17th, 2013
8:52 am

Hazel -now you know that’s the first thing a person will throw at you saying that you’re insecure.

SlimNu

September 17th, 2013
8:57 am

Hazel

September 17th, 2013
8:58 am

@Button – lol I know right. The “I” word. She/he looked at me funny. She/he must be insecure. he/she walks funny.. they must be insecure. : )

Bluzgirl

September 17th, 2013
9:06 am

Morning everyone!

I used to have a lot of male friends, but as time has gone on, we have drifted apart. I still have a couple of close male friends, who I hope to always keep in my life. I think I would be ok with my SO having female friends as long as there is respect. The Ex had a couple of female friends who were extremely disrespectful towards me and our relationship. He wouldn’t put them in their place. I will not stand for that again. It’s not even about trust with the SO…it’s the women!

Celisea

September 17th, 2013
9:14 am

I’ve never understood folks that says something is wrong with a woman for having more guy friends than women friends or no women friends….that’s her and who she can relate to. Let me tell you, women are the ones that you run with, break bread with and gossip about you. And the cattiness?? Naw, I can’t deal with that. I find men to be more loyal and less pretentious and more on the up and up. So yeah, I prefer to cop a squat when I need real advice or a shoulder or wanna kick back and take a load off. They won’t say in their minds (most won’t, some will) “I knew you wasn’t all that no way” when you disclose maybe challenges or what not. And all the time it’s not about getting relationship advice, like I said, I find men keep it real more often than women. Not all the time, but most times.

Now, what I can say is that I respect my relationship and don’t behave in such a way that would raise eyebrows. The say way I know too many ahem (women) friends may make me feel some kinda way, then I try to mindful of the same. I’m not gonna hang out so much so that he asks “what’s up with that?” And “feeling some kinda way” about too many women (or male) friends have nothing to do with insecurity. More often than not “stuff” happens looooong before it comes to the light, and usually with folks you thought you could trust. And in having male friends, I can cop a squat, hang out, shop, whatevs cause I already know it’s ain’t nothing popping off. I can sit across the table and laugh it up….I’ve already decided ain’t gon be nothing. :mrgreen:

2CPTG©

September 17th, 2013
9:24 am

g’morning….

hell yeah too many guy friends are a red flag…

Celisea

September 17th, 2013
9:34 am

Oh, and in defense of today’s post, there is that one or two that “thinks” there’s more going on than what’s on the table or that they’re smooth enough to use “friendship” as a means for “getting in.” You know the ones….they trydda hand you a hook to see if you’ll bite. NAW, AIN’T HAPPENING!!! lolol. That kind usually lose patience with just breaking bread…lololol

You nor your SO ain’t crazy. Sometimes there’s a cause to be concerned.

Leggs

September 17th, 2013
9:35 am

“Why does too many guy friends have to be a red flag, though?” – It’s a red flag because the new bf is wondering if she’s been intimate with any of them. He’s watching how chummy the guys are, he’s watching body language, that lingering smile, that touch that comes across as being more than just friends. He’s basically uncomfortable and/or insecure with all that he’s wondering.

I’ve always had more male friends than female friends, less cattiness.

Good morning.

Button

September 17th, 2013
9:39 am

Leggs- good point!

YesSheIsCute

September 17th, 2013
9:42 am

Good morning everyone!

I’m not sure how I would feel about it to be honest. It really just depends on the guy and how he mentions and deals with his friend-girls. As far as a woman having a lot of guy friends, it also just depends. To me, it makes perfect sense that a girl would have more guy friends than girlfriends. Going through the motions of having a girlfriend can be…challenging.

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
9:42 am

Good morning!!!

What do men want??? It seems like everyone is beating up on women today!! Okay, so you have a problem if she’s got too many guy friends. For some men, even ONE is too many! Then you have an issue if she’s too tight with her girlfriends. You are afraid she’ll share too much of y’alls business and hate on your relationship if they are not in one themselves. Make up your mind!!! LOL!!!

It’s not even about trust with the SO…it’s the women!

Bluz – Really???? Let me tell you and all that think this way – the women can’t do anything the men won’t freely allow!!! And that goes the same for these wussy dudes whining about she got too many man friends. It’s his or her job to CHECK anyone that interferes with their current relationship. And 9 times out of 10, if they had wanted to get with their “friend” they would have already!!

Wise’s friend must be young. Usually all these issues with friends resolve over time- folks get busy with life, get married, have babies, etc. Thru all that, either the friends are gay and you have nothing to worry about, or they have moved on themselves. Either way, really should not be a concern.

The “friends” folks are out in the open with are generally not a threat. The chance of one hooking up with a coworker seems more likely to me.

Button

September 17th, 2013
9:43 am

my male friends always kept it real with me esp when it came to who I dated. They were like big brothers, saved me a lot of tears/drama. My bestie D warned me about my ex but I didn’t listen to him that time and married that ol bat anyway. In the end he didn’t say I told you so, just hung in there with me thru the whole ordeal and was a shoulder to cry on.

Celisea

September 17th, 2013
9:45 am

The chance of one hooking up with a coworker seems more likely to me.

I had to laugh at this….BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!! :) :)

MsAtl

September 17th, 2013
9:45 am

Morning All!

I do not have many male friends. I was married and did not “collect” friends of the opposite sex. The few that I do have are through female friends. As far as it bothering me if a guy had too many female friends, it depends on how many female friends and how “cool” they were. I am okay with some female friends as long as there are boundaries and they respect our relationship and stay in their lane. Above all, he has to respect our relationship.

Hazel/Button- I know! The word “insecure” is overused!

Button

September 17th, 2013
9:46 am

The “friends” folks are out in the open with are generally not a threat —Simon Cowell

Leggs

September 17th, 2013
9:47 am

Lee ~ I can relate, females don’t seem to like me too much either.

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
9:49 am

To me, it makes perfect sense that a girl would have more guy friends than girlfriends. Going through the motions of having a girlfriend can be…challenging

I just don’t understand this. My solution to the “cattyness” is simple – choose better friends. I have been careful who I chose as friends since grade school. Gossipy, catty need not apply.

I guess I am in the minority and I’m blessed. I have wonderful girlfriends. Thank God, don’t know what I’d do without them!!

Button

September 17th, 2013
9:50 am

If my guy had a close female friend, I would be jealous, no lie. I would question him about their relationship and I wouldn’t be a happy camper in la la land encouraging them to hang out alone. I would be right there smack dab in the middle.

MsAtl

September 17th, 2013
9:50 am

Kimmie- Me as well. My circle of girlfriends are awesome!

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
9:52 am

Button – Oh yeah, I’m hip to the “we’re just friends” game too, I’m not naive about it. It just seems like a lot of trouble to go thru, messing with a friend while maintaining a dating relationship with someone else, to the point one has to be suspicious of anyone they date that has a friend of the opposite sex.

Leggs

September 17th, 2013
9:54 am

kimmie ~ that is key, choose your friends wisely. Everyone doesn’t have the privilege/title of being called a friend. My close friends I’ve had for decades. My acquaintenances are just that, acquaintenances.

Button

September 17th, 2013
9:55 am

Kimmie – I have wonderful gfs too, I just have more male friends than female friends since that’s what the topic is about.

Bluzgirl

September 17th, 2013
9:59 am

kimmie – Maybe I have a problem trusting the women because I’ve dealt with some shady females in the past. Granted…if anything happened, it was on him because he was the one in the relationship. During that relationship, a couple of the women were so nice to my face, then talked crap to him behind my back. And…he didn’t defend me. Now, I know that this example isn’t the best because that was the relationship from hell and he was a piece of isht!

Exiled

September 17th, 2013
10:01 am

I would be okay with ‘a lot ‘ of male friends on her part(my Queen) if the male friends are gay!
Just a male friend? Proly an aquantaince maybe.

Her male friend should be me!
Too many male or female friends when you are in a relationship are just some drama waiting to happen..so much envy,ego,jealous etc.

I don’t believe in a gazum of friends. One or two is fine then a couple of arm length aquantainces.

And a male friend for my wife? non starter or I am going to punch the fool! :lol:

Males don’t hang around chics just to be friends. They hang around chics to be friendly just in case she slips up!

Button

September 17th, 2013
10:06 am

The age old question: Can women and men just be friends?

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
10:08 am

Button/Leggs – To be honest I kinda started out that way, well maybe not MORE, but equal amounts of male friends. I got my feelings a little hurt right after college when the truth hit about the dynamics of the male friendships. One guy friend got married a few years after we finished college. I was still living at home with parents. He brought his then fiance’ over to meet me. I was always very respectful of his relationships and he mine. After they married, something changed. I called him at work to give him some info he had asked me for. He was very cold and that was the last time we talked! I told my mom about it and she explained the new wife was probably uncomfortable with our friendship, even though we were respectful. Then similiar thing happened years down the road with another friend. I had a few gay ones, but they fell by the wayside. A few guys I dated over the years seemed a little uncomfortable with my male relationships too, though they didn’t make a big deal about it and I was, again, always respectful.

It just got to be not worth it for me. I have one guy friend left that is actually a play brother.

Hazel

September 17th, 2013
10:09 am

Here’s a question. Would a woman listen to a piece of advise from a woman or man better? Once I told my ex-friend that she shouldn’t mess with a loser. She didn’t listen and suffered. But if a guy had told her the same thing, would she have taken that advise?

Leggs

September 17th, 2013
10:09 am

Ex ~ you’re absolutely right. Many men wait in the wings waiting for a slip up, one drink too many, a call at the right time. Men waiting in the wings are funny.

Celisea

September 17th, 2013
10:11 am

I allow folks in that have my best interest at heart. That’s a handful. The rest are at the end of a long handled spoon.

Leggs

September 17th, 2013
10:11 am

Hazel ~ great question. I think it all depends on the strength of the woman. What is the woman’s track record with having a solid relationship? If her record is as flimsy, why listen to her? Don’t know what your friend would have done if a man spoke to her, but men know men better than many women.

Hazel

September 17th, 2013
10:14 am

I agree with Exiled too. I backed up a lot from my male friends after I got married. I did this out of respect for my husband and to be fair. I would not want him to have female friends (esp single ones) so didn’t really keep up with my single guy friends. My husband did meet them and knew of them.

Bluzgirl

September 17th, 2013
10:16 am

I tend to listen to my male friends about relationship stuff because they will tell you like it is while women may sugar coat it and tell you what they think you want to hear. It’s been nice getting to know my neighbor (the roomie) and listening to him talk about relationships. I feel like I’m learning something from him on how men think.

Celisea

September 17th, 2013
10:19 am

Women are fickle. I have a used to be friend that’s been relegated to “acquaintance” zone…lol We were cool cool cool. We talked everyday nearly. She’d fly stuff to me she thought I’d like or fit my personality. We talked about EEEEVVVEEERRYYYYTHING. Never once did we not trust one another. Well, she gets into something at work and wanted to go ham on her manager by reporting. I didn’t support that and gave her honest feedback. And what did she do??? She snapped and said I wasn’t there for her as she’d been for me. Ummmm, if I tell you don’t tell in front of that mac truck that’s gonna knock the heck out of you, is that not what a friend does??? I was telling her to put her trust in the Lord and let him work it out. She wanted to report her manager, but it was all on “feelings” and heresay and didn’t have anything concrete to substantiate. My point being, NOT A SMART MOVE. Well, she had a tizzy and too bad for her, cause I didn’t change my stance. We’re cool now, but noooowhere near where we were before. We talk every blue moon.

Now, before go start calling themselves “friends”, they need to first define and thenunderstand what it mean to be true blue, tried and true. Having folks to say what you wanna hear? Fake! Having folks to agree when you’re wrong? Fake Allowing stuff to come outta ya mouth and you don’t mean it? Fake!

So now, when I travel to NC, we’ll do lunch (she and a few others), but now I see it as catching up with a few acquaintes…and that’s all. I’ll NEVER go back to that place with her again. The trust has been broken.

Celisea

September 17th, 2013
10:20 am

before “folks” start calling themselves friends….is what I meant

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
10:26 am

Hazel – It depends on the person giving the advice. And sometimes, a woman might be more receptive of the SAME advice coming from a guy versus another woman. She might think her girlfriend is hating or jealous while thinking the guy is being completely objective.

That can go so many ways, so again it depends. Is it possible the guy is one of those “waiting in the wings” types who is gonna tell you to break up with dude so he’ll have a shot? Is the guy a “dog” who thinks all other men think and act like he does and is misreading the situation?

While I may not have a lot of guy friends, I grew up with 4 brothers. I also had a positive example of a relationship growing up with my parents and other older relatives. I had examples of what NOT to deal with as well off of men.I went thru my ups and downs with men, but I’ve had positive relationships overall with guys. I’d like to think any advice I give my girlfriends is as good as any they think they may get from a man just because he is male.

Bluzgirl

September 17th, 2013
10:28 am

I miss having my male coworker, who gave great advice to me. He was in the office next to me and we became friends. He is happily married and treats his wife like a queen. I always told him he needed to hold classes for men to teach them how to treat their women! I can still reach out to him, but it was nice to just walk next door and ask his advice. He was very good about telling me what I was doing wrong too and guiding me.

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
10:32 am

I don’t really see the problem with folks “waiting in the wings”. At least, my hubs would not have to worry about that any more than anyone else that’s been checking me out. If someone has not spoken up and let you know their interest, that’s their problem if they let that ship sail away. Men and women should speak up if there is an interest there, instead of laying back in the cut. Say something, don’t sit on the sidelines watching your love interest with someone else. Don’t waste your time worrying about the “what if’s”.

Button

September 17th, 2013
10:51 am

I think this goes back to would you tell your SO if his/her friend hit on you?
Most friends well close friends esp the ones that was there before the SO know things about you that your SO don’t even know.

disco

September 17th, 2013
10:54 am

good morning.

I think the reason a lot of men take issue with women having a lot of guy friends is because men tend to think a guy friend has either already hit or is in line to hit. lol.

Bluzgirl

September 17th, 2013
10:55 am

Here’s a question – Would you drop a friend of the opposite sex for your SO?

I made the mistake once of letting go of a friend when I was with Psycho in Seattle because he did not approve. Luckily, that friend took me back when I realized how toxic that relationship was and ended it. Heck…he didn’t even want me to hang out with my gay friend!!!

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
11:00 am

Button – It boils down to the maturity of the two individuals dating. Yeah, the friends that were there on both sides, before you dated, know more. Why would either of you let the past dictate your current relationship?

disco

September 17th, 2013
11:02 am

bluz – I’m not dropping any friend for anyone. my friends are my friends and that’s that. if we should fall off it will be because we fell off. not because some third party had issue with us.

men – y’all need to understand the real (LOL) reasons why we have male friends. here’s a few:

1. y’all can carry stuff
2. we need y’all to help us move (see number 1)
3. y’all are great blockers when we don’t want to be bothered by – wait for it (men!) – lol.
4. y’all work for cheap (usually a home-cooked meal or a few beers)

Button

September 17th, 2013
11:05 am

Bluzgirl – I’ve never done that. Never even a consideration.

MsAtl

September 17th, 2013
11:07 am

Disco- That is why I need to work on my list of male friends that every woman should have, lol.

kimmie

September 17th, 2013
11:08 am

Bluz – Like I mentioned earlier, for some even ONE friend of the opposite sex is too many. Your dude had a problem with your gay friend. Some don’t even want you to have female friends. That’s someone that probably has control issues, as well as other stuff wrong. A lot of abusive types try to isolate their women from not only friends, but family too. They don’t want anyone putting “ideas in their heads”!

I know I’ve been respectful with my friendships, so I would have a major problem with a guy wanting me to drop any friend. I’m not to be controlled, I’m grown and not his child.