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Dating: You know it’s over when…

I promise to move on from the break up topics soon. It’s what I am going through now so humor me a bit? Thanks. I was venting to my guy friend about dealing with another relationship ending the other day. I was expecting sympathy and support but he took the tough love route.

He basically told me that he saw the signs a long time ago. He wondered what took me so long, since I’m supposed to be so wise and all *eyeroll* (Sidebar: Sometimes I really hate I picked Wise Diva as a name 100 years ago when I first started blogging). I digress. Yes, there are times when you should know when the relationship should end. The question is, what are you going to DO about it?

How do you know when it’s over? What are the signs that a breakup is about to go down? How do you decide if you should stay and work to make it better?

Happy Friday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

117 comments Add your comment

Lee

September 13th, 2013
7:02 am

Your heart and mind are not in sync –your heart has no common sense because love is not rational. Sometimes we don’t want to see what is really happening due to that love thing…

Best thing to do when its over go get a pint of Ben n Jerry’s Ice cream eat the whole thing have a cry then the–next day get up get dressed like you really have somewhere to go and make it a plan to have a good time.<— continue this everyday and soon you shall be smiling again

How do you decide if you should stay and work to make it better? This will only work if both parties involved are willing, happened to me in January , he stated he wanted to make it work but his actions did not–so i walked away and got focused in things that I wanted to accomplish … When the time is right I will find another to make new memories with

TGIF

Miss Moni

September 13th, 2013
8:02 am

GOOD Friday Morning MIA!!! *TGIF* :-D

How do you KNOW it’s over, when you are the ONLY one giving the MOST/100%. Many times we make excuses for our mates when the signs are really right there in our face. The truth of the matter is, a person will do exactly what they want to do without you suggesting that they do so.

With that understanding, you shouldn’t ever feel unwanted in a relationship OR as if your mate doesn’t care about you. You also shouldn’t ever feel disrespected or abused in shape, fashion or form. When your boyfriend or girlfriend continues to put everyone else’s needs ahead of yours that’s also a big clue. When you genuinely matter to someone they want to see you happy/taken care of/growing and put forth the effort to contribute to doing so.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re collectively and consistently doing & feeling bad, then that’s another sign. You can do bad by yourself.

Button

September 13th, 2013
8:12 am

…… continue this everyday and soon you shall be smiling again—-yeah and pounds heavier!

there are so many signs when the relationship is over. The obivious are for starters when he/she start drifting away, dwindling communication and he/she goes out without you.

Good morning!

Button

September 13th, 2013
8:13 am

Miss Moni – I co sign!

SlimNu

September 13th, 2013
8:52 am

Good morning,

Moni – Well put! ;-)

TGIF even though it’s Friday the 13th. lol

Leggs

September 13th, 2013
9:00 am

You know it’s over when you pass each other in the hall and instead of saying “good morning,” you say “F….You!”

LOLOL. Sorry, that’s the first thing I thought of.

Good morning.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

September 13th, 2013
9:06 am

When either party says “we need to talk”

2CPTG©

September 13th, 2013
9:17 am

you know it’s over when ………

all you do is fvck and fight.

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
9:21 am

Diva, tough love from good guy friends is the reason why they are the best. Somehow, sometimes it just goes over so much better :)

Ummm, I dunno….IMO there are many things that can be said. Most times IMO the signs are there and sometimes, folks are clueless, never saw it coming. When it’s over, it’s over. No reason to decide to stay or work it through (cause it’s over). If it’s “not over” then that’s when you work through…IMO

O/T: Bert Show – Asked for stories that’s gonna pop off over the week and sure to have a “Monday f/up” Dude calls in, meeting his 10 y.o. for first time. Years back, he went into the military, didn’t know the mom was expecting as she’d moved back in. Few years ago, he received a summons to pay CS. Took the test and confirmed he was the father. He had an opportunity for short visitations a few years ago, but was apart of an elite group that deployed often and couldn’t do. Well he’s driving ot NC (I think) to meet her. He said they’ve been talking on the phone and she’s super excited :) :) He said he was grateful that no one (mom and her fam) never bad mouth him, causing her to be jaded. Her b’day is next weekend so he’s going again…two weekends in a row (is what he said)!!
Suuuuuch a sweet story! I felt proud of and for him.

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
9:22 am

moved back in with her parents….sorry I was trying to get it all in w/out being longwinded :)

YesSheIsCute

September 13th, 2013
9:23 am

Good morning everyone! The weekend is upon us. :D

The writing is on the wall…the telltale sign is your gut. If your gut is telling you that this person doesn’t seem like they are feeling you like they used to then 98% of the time you are right.

Like Miss Moni said if a person really cares they will do whatever it takes to make you happy without you asking or suggesting it. Unless they are emotionally immature inexperienced with relationships, in which case you don’t need them anyway.

MsAtl

September 13th, 2013
9:30 am

Morning All!

I believe that sometimes there are obvious signs and other times, it hits you out of the blue. Only you know when to try to work it out or walk away. As has been said, sometimes there is just a feeling in your gut. In my marriage, I tried to work it out several times but it got to the point where enough was enough. You both have to be willing to work on it and it was clear that he wasn’t. There are some things that just cannot be worked through (IMO).

YesSheIsCute

September 13th, 2013
9:34 am

I forgot to answer the second part of the question: when is it appropriate to work it out? If, and ONLY if, the other party is as ready, willing and able as you are, to put for the effort needed to work it out.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
9:37 am

Morning All!

Well I was always the dumper, not the dumpee. But I can recall a number of signs that I saw that told me that this will not work. It varied from person to person, but basically, it boiled down to what I was willing to put up with and what I wasn’t. The overriding motivation for my dating was matrimony. So when stuff happened, I looked at it by saying, “Can I put up with this for the rest of my life?” If the answer was no, I mentioned it, then cut them loose. If the answer was yes, I mentioned it, and hoped that she would refrain from that in the future. I didn’t feel bad about giving them the boot, because in every instance, they were told about it at least once. For instance, some of you may think this is silly an trivial, but it speaks to a larger point. Some years ago I didn’t eat pizza cause I wasn’t fond of the thick crust. Loved the toppings and sauce, but the crust was always, in my opinion, too thick. Well, they came out with the thin crust pizza, and I loved it. Had this little girl I was seeing, who loved pizza too. She was coming over one night with pizza. I told her that I only like the new thin crust. Showed up with the regular thick crust. I reminded her about my preference for thin crust. Ok. I ate half a slice. Some time later she does it again. “Aw come on. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s good.” ” But I don’t like thick crust. I told you that.”, ” Yeah, but you ate some of the last one.” (That told me she remembered, but bought it anyway). “You shouldn’t be so picky, pizza is pizza.”, “No it’s not, that’s why they make the thin crust now, cause so many people prefer it.”, “Well before thin crust, what did you eat?”, “Well, I just didn’t eat pizza at all.”, “Oh,you too good to eat regular pizza?”, “No, I just prefer thin crust.”, “So, what other kinda silly stuff you got going on in your head?”, “Silly stuff in my head?, “Hell, I just prefer thin crust. And it’s not silly and not in my head. In my taste buds maybe, but not in my head.”, “I mean it makes no sense. It’s all the same.”….. We went on and on about it. It’s trivial I know, but what it showed me was, she was trying to force me into something she knew I didn’t want, and was willing to disrespect my wishes, and me, in order to get her point across. She got the boot because of that, not the pizza.

Leggs

September 13th, 2013
9:39 am

MissMoni ~ your post is definitely on point. Nice.

You know it’s over way before both say it’s over. There’s no excitement when seeing their name come across your phone, their voice bothers you, you just have no emotions when it comes to your soon to be ex SO. You don’t even give them the best part of the meat you cooked for dinner (lol). When you are no longer concerned about anything they do, the end is near.

I completed my challenge in under an hour – 49.24 mins…WOO HOO! Is anything hurting on me…yep, my right hip.

Leggs

September 13th, 2013
9:42 am

Pizza is my favorite and I don’t eat the crust either because it’s too thick. Have been told the crust is the best part when cooked correctly, but I don’t like it so stop trying to make me like it. I so get what you’re saying, Reio.

Button

September 13th, 2013
9:55 am

Reio – I don’t like thick crust pizza either and I’ve never called things off because of it either but I get your point, She underminded your request but did you ever think that maybe she didn’t like thin crust? ijs

Leggs

September 13th, 2013
9:57 am

Undermining someone’s request always makes me think of disco and chinese food. Her date took her there even though she emphatically told him she doesn’t eat chinese food. Dumb move on anyone’s part when they don’t listen to what their intended likes or dislikes.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
9:59 am

Leggs – Yeah. And she was actually a nice lady in many respects. And, I suppose, I could have overlooed the pizza snafu. But her biggest problem was(and she didn’t know this, of course), I was looking for a wife. If all I wanted to do was just have fun and see where things would go, I would have let her stick around, but I was serious. Nothing more important than a tight, stable, family unit. I knew this even at a very young age. She was one of those women that my sisters chastised me about, after they found out we had broken up. “Where you gonna find someone better than her?”, “Ain’t nobody perfect.”, “Hell, YOU ain’t perfect.”….They would say. But I did what I thought I should have. Didn’t regret it.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
10:06 am

Button – No, I never thought about it that way, cause she never mentioned that she didn’t like thin crust. Had she done that, I gaurantee you, something would have been worked out. I do know this, had she told me she didn’t like thin crust, I would have NEVER showed up with, or, ordered thin crust, and try and make her like it. Out of respect for her, her wishes, and her taste buds. Jus sayin.

disco

September 13th, 2013
10:10 am

good morning.

reio – I’m so feeling you on the pizza. I dated a guy some years ago and he was ordering pizza. I specifically told him I don’t eat blank’s pizza. where does he order from? blank’s pizza. then the pizza comes, I refuse to eat it (not quietly either) and he’s looking at me like what’s the problem. old buster. this same dude called himself baking cookies for me. I love me some cookies so I admit I was looking forward to them. how come this fool buttered the cookie sheet??? can I see the cookies were gross. again I was ticked. grown azz man don’t know not to grease a cookie sheet.

Miss Moni

September 13th, 2013
10:11 am

-Leggs I agree, it definitley says alot about a person when they take you to eat something that you’ve already said that you’re allergic to. Like seriously, are you trying to kill me OR were you just NOT paying attention during our conversation. Either way, it’s time to move on.

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
10:16 am

Disclaimer…I MEAN NO DISRESPECT…lol and :)

Everything is about compromise, or should be…IMO I definitely feel folks get the person they’re suppose to be with. No way I could do or be with a “my way or the highway dude.” Don’t mean no offense, but IMO there’s something meh, what’s the word about a man or woman that can’t or won’t ever bend. You can have happy unions and still not have to see eye to eye, match for match on everything…”or else y’all ain’t compatible.” I don’t find that to be true. For me and my relationship what works is being able to come together and be agreeable…that takes us both. In areas where I have my opinion and he’s got his, the magic is we can move around that and keep going.

Now, I do agree ole girl was wrong for “pressing the issue”, I was getting tired just reading the back and forth….lol Naw, I’m not gon do that. We’ll discuss but I’m not gon be pressed or pressured.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
10:16 am

Again, what got them booted, beyond the fact that I was looking for a wife, and preferred not to have to put up with certain things for the rest of my life, was the fact that they would do the same things again, even though, I thought, we had an understanding, and had discussed it previously. Never saw much use in continuing with a woman that ignored me. Nobody’s perfect, fo sho, but, “Hell, we already talked about this sh!t, and you’re still doing it?” Naw. Kaint do it. Not me.

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
10:17 am

And usually, if you send a woman her way because she couldn’t see it your way, I’m sure she’s equally all the better. A win win for you both.

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
10:21 am

Reio – How could you assess in one meeting (which according to your stories) what would happened 10 or 20 years down the road? I mean how could you tell cause she didn’t like something that that’s what life would be like? Won’t you need to get in there and test the waters, spend time together, see habits (from both side) to determine? It seems you spent most of your dating years jumping the gun. Were you afraid of something? I’m not being funny but you repeatedly say you was looking for a wife. Looking for a spouse, IMO means seeing how well we can mesh over time, not if you don’t past the test day one. Do you think you was afraid of failing? Do you think you wouldn’t be able to exert “being a man”, bringing your woman under subjection (and not how folks might think this means)? I mean I like my dude to lead, but first I gotta see what he’s working with and can show/prove he’s a leader. I can’t get that in one day or meeting.

But I get that we’re all different and do/see things differently

Reio

September 13th, 2013
10:24 am

Give and take. Bend a little here. Bend a little there….. Is good to do. Sounds good on paper, and is very good when put into practice. Some things, however, no matter what they are, no matter how trivial, just won’t be compromised on. No matter how trivial. The other person needs to know what these thing are, and respect that. They didn’t, and got the boot because of it.

Button

September 13th, 2013
10:33 am

Reio- understood, seems like miscommunication on both parts.

YesSheIsCute

September 13th, 2013
10:34 am

@Reio your original post is completely on point. Most red flags are seemingly “trivial” things and even though it may seem “silly” it speaks volumes like that situation you were in with the pizza.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
10:41 am

Celisea – Well, as I recall, this was not the first date. We had been seeing each other a little while, and up to that point, I was enjoying her company. Remember, however, the boot came, not because of the pizza, but as a result of, what I belived to be, a total disregard for me and my wishes.She told me that I was silly for not liking regular crust, and SHOWED me that she was, in her own little way, going to make me like it. Actually, there were a few other things she did or said that I didn’t like, but overlooked. This, obviously wasn’t one of them.

“Were you afraid of something?”

“Do you think you was afraid of failing? Do you think you wouldn’t be able to exert “being a man”, bringing your woman under subjection (and not how folks might think this means)?”…

Afraid? Afraid of what? Being a man has nothing to do with exerting my will over women. Actually, being a man has everything to do with respecting women, and realizing they’re people too. People that deserve to be respected, valued, and loved as well. But if I’m not willing to be walked on, and stepped over, o,r put up with certain kinds of foolishnes, well, you gotta go. Hit the road, Jill.

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
10:42 am

Idda been a trooper and brought what you liked and what I liked…that’s how I am. :)

But I hear ya, Reio

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
10:51 am

I think you misunderstood my statement about exerting and being the man, taking the lead. By all means that encompasses respect and valuing your partner, kindness, trust and all the other stuff you named. I get that. And when I say exert, by no means do I mean walking and stepping on and over folks, I don’t live by that neither, nor tolerate such.

But like I said, I hear ya. I was just trying to “understand” why every story ended with folks getting the boot without a window to show you the kind of woman they can be. And as I said, we all operate differently. If you felt you could assess that in a few minutes, I year ya.

And again, I get the pizza “issue.” Like I said, Idda bought what you like and what I like…

Button

September 13th, 2013
10:55 am

Reio – if you’re married now, does your wife like thin crust pizza?

Before my restricted diet, I ate everything, and my ex didn’t eat pork, we used to always argue over it. I told him there are a plethora of products out here containing pork, I downloaded a list for him, he was surprised to learn that even though he wasn’t eating bacon, pork chop et al most of the things he was eating contained pork.

kimmie

September 13th, 2013
10:57 am

Morning Blog Gang!!!

It’s a little too early for pizza for me, and long posts!LOL!

On topic: Other than obvious stuff, I’m with Yes on this, I go with my gut. I can’t recall off the top of my head one time where it’s failed me. Like they say you’ll just “know” when a person is The One, you’ll also know when they are NOT the one. There have been a few times where I really could not point to a major dealbreaker why I wanted to break it off with someone, but that voice in my head was telling me I could not go on any longer. And once I shut it off, my feelings, there is no turning back. The man could give me the moon and the stars, but my feelings won’t change.

When to stay and work it out? If you are married.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
10:57 am

“Idda been a trooper and brought what you liked and what I liked…that’s how I am.”

Well, had she done that each time, after the initial snafu, we would have been together longer. Who knows, SHE may be my wife now, instead of current(first and only) wife. To get a woman, takes certain things. To keep them, requires certain other things, not the least of which, is the art of compromise. This, I understand fully. And practiced it in my dating years, but don’t keep doing stuff ad expect me to put up with it forever.

Button

September 13th, 2013
11:00 am

Reio – had you gone forward with the pizza girl you probably would’ve endured plenty of “pizza” incidents. You were looking for a wife, someone who at the very least respects your wishes and in return have you respect hers. It’s the little things that does make a difference. I know for me, I would’ve looked at my date differently going forward myself.

Reio

September 13th, 2013
11:04 am

Button – “if you’re married now, does your wife like thin crust pizza?”

She prefers regular, thick crust, almost exclusively. Never walked in the house with that only. In the past, she WOULD buy thick crust only, and bring it home. But, guess what, she had something else, that she knew I liked, as well. She and the kids did the pizza, I did whatever else she brought(ribs, chicken, Captain D’s…..)whatever.

Miss Moni

September 13th, 2013
11:07 am

-Kimmie Speaking of food LOL, I have a taste for sushi! I do believe that will be my Friday after work treat! :-)

YesSheIsCute

September 13th, 2013
11:11 am

@kimmie so are you saying marriage is the only time you should work it out?

Button

September 13th, 2013
11:11 am

Reio – so you’re saying still to this day you don’t get your thin crust?

kimmie

September 13th, 2013
11:12 am

Moni – I’m kinda feeling Asian these days!LOL!! May try to find some Thai or Chinese.

Durty Burd

September 13th, 2013
11:13 am

Good Morning!

You know it over when you are seeing someone else…hehehehehehe

REIO..Good call on dumping the opinionated, I cannot get the right pizza woman…Ladies if someone tells you what they like it is not your job to convince they like something else…

There are going to be plenty of major issues in a relationship where you will have to compromise, this is not one of them..

This is a problem in relationships on all sides..Some folks want to be defiant about certain wishes of their spouses…The problem is you, no one thinks they way you do…I like to try different foods but not all the time, sometimes I want a good meal that I know the chef can prepare and I can enjoy eating…

I have dated women who love to order something new, then do not eat the dish…now its your turn to pay for it, do not wasted my hard earned money…

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
11:17 am

LOLOLOLOLOL….I’m so laughing now…

I stand by what I said, everything is about compromise. And if there’s no room to compromise, knock him over by doing what he didn’t expect. Take care of him, take care of you!! Just my style. I didn’t say sponsor now, I said “wow” him.

But while y’all talk about give that woman the boot for failing the test, I need to get stuff done so I can kick back on my lunch date today :mrgreen:

Celisea

September 13th, 2013
11:18 am

Remember…”If there’s no room to compromse” Usually though, there is

Miss Moni

September 13th, 2013
11:18 am

-Kimmie On any given day Asian food is a go for me, LOL!!!

Durty Burd

September 13th, 2013
11:21 am

I dated a few that told me I am boring when it comes to food choices, but they could not good camping, snorkeling, cruising, clubs in the hood, concerts and did not want to try anything new in the bedroom…THEY GOT DUMPEDD>>>talking out of both sides of your mouth…

YSIC …Nothing wrong with trying to work out a non married relationship. Experience is Knowledge…

Durty Burd

September 13th, 2013
11:24 am

Depending on the situation there is no room for compromise…Dude wants you to take the fall and go to prison for something he did…Where is your compromise?

Leggs

September 13th, 2013
11:37 am

Made a mad dash to Sam’s and bought more that I set out to get…isn’t that always the case with Sam’s and Wal-Mart.

Now, I want pizza for lunch!

Miss Moni

September 13th, 2013
11:38 am

-Leggs That’s usually the case at Wal-Mart & Sam’s. I try to always have a list & stick to it, LOL!!!

Reio

September 13th, 2013
11:39 am

Button – I still get thin crust from time to time. Just, on the occasions that I don’t(most of the time), she gets me something else instead. Something she knows I like.