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Dating dilemma: Propositioned by best friend

If you were dating someone who you really like, what do you do when their close friend or buddy makes a pass at you? Do you ignore it and hope they were kidding? Do you tell them what happened and let the chips fall where they may?

One of our readers is facing this dilemma.  He thinks that if he tells his new romantic interest that her best friend propositioned him, she will get angry at him instead of the best friend.  I have never been in this situation before but I figure telling the full truth is always the best option.

How do you tell someone that their friend ignored your shot at happiness because they were  so focused on getting their own needs met instead?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

467 comments Add your comment

Bembe

August 27th, 2013
6:14 am

If the friend received an erroneous vibe and reacted to it once and was turned down and all returned to normal, then i would leave it at that. You should allow for one misguided misunderstanding. If the friend continues to harass. I would defenetly tell my partner. Better me then someone else, let the chips fall where they may.

Lee

August 27th, 2013
7:09 am

Had that happen several times and kept that information to myself, i felt if i did say something it would cause drama. I am a big girl no need to go running to tell when i handled that myself.

He could tell his girlfriend she may have an idea that her b/f is a hoe. shrugs

gmoring

Into the Light

August 27th, 2013
7:55 am

Good morning all!

I’ll co-sign Lee. In general, it’s better to keep this information to yourself because all it will do is cause drama.

I wonder if he said anything to the best friend to let her know that was not appropriate and not to be repeated?

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
7:56 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

Soooo, the best friend made a pass at her friend’s boyfriend. . . well, well, well! The ONLY thing about him NOT telling his girlfriend is that the best friend can flip it and tell that he made a pass at her, which in turn will still cause drama. So, just because you don’t say anything doesn’t automatically mean that the mess won’t hit the fan.

In the words of Usher: “If I’m gonna TELL it, then I gotta tell it ALL!” So, be prepared to tell the WHOLE story and to answer questions like did you flirt with her, how did you react when she did what she did, questions like that.

There are clearly some pieces missing from this scenario. . .

Hazel

August 27th, 2013
8:19 am

good morning. I would def tell as I feel that someone who doesn’t respect his/her friend should be blasted out. My husband, then bf took me to his friends get together. His friend cornered me and asked how my bf got me and that he has no game! Now someone who thinks this of my bf, does not need to be his friend.

Button

August 27th, 2013
8:27 am

Tell it! I know I would. There would be no way that I would keep something like that under raps. By not telling, your already keeping secrets, living a lie with the friend who could then turn it around and use it against you. For all the reader know, this could be a set up by his gf to see what type of guy he is. Some ppl put their sate to the test to see how faithful they are which I think is childish but it happens all the time.

Good morning!

MadDog

August 27th, 2013
8:32 am

Wouldn’t matter. He would be the whipping post regardless. If he tells her, she will say that he edged it on and that her girlfriend would never do something like that. OR she will say that she was just being friendly and he is taking it the wrong way. OR she will say that he actually initiated the proposal and got mad when she said no.

If he doesn’t tell her, she will say that he was keeping stuff from her. OR that he was actually planning on taking her up on it.

In this situation, the guy will always bear the brunt and blame for it. After all, only guys would do something like that, right?

Button

August 27th, 2013
8:34 am

if it isn’t a test then the readers’ gf need to cut her friend loose. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a gf to make a pass on my bf. It’s insane!

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
8:39 am

Good Morning ladies!

Why are women always think they are preventing something from happening by not telling the SO? U are doing your SO a favor by telling him their is a spy in his camp.

I like that MissMoni…Tell it all…Where u been?

Button excellent comment…I agree time out for keeping secrets. No true friend will hit on their BF mate…

I need to know if one of my dudes hit on you so I can kick him to the curb…That is disrespectful

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
8:41 am

-Hi Durty! I’ve been here, but I’ve also been actually doing some work, LOL!!! :-)

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
8:42 am

SO Button what have you done in those situations regarding the GF hitting on your SO?

Hazel did u tell your husband what his friend told you?

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
8:43 am

NO say it aint so Miss Moni…They have you doing some work…Your Government they really don’t do any work after 8am right? :wink:

SlimNu

August 27th, 2013
8:50 am

Moni – I feel like there are some details being withheld. I want to know how the friend went about ‘propositioning’ him, what she said and how he responded to her. DETAILS….

Wise – Can you start providing us with more details going forward? It’ll make for better responses since we’ll have a better idea of what went down with these scenarios.

I’ve had a friend of a guy I date lie on me…he wanted to get with me and it just wasn’t going to happen. To this day, if I saw him on the street, i’d cross it just not to interact with him. LIAR

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
8:51 am

-Durty Ha, Ha, Ha!!! I’m making sure that you can continue to have your liberties! ;-)

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
8:53 am

-Slim I agree, there are some people that you just have to avoid like the plague for the sake of peace LOL!

disco

August 27th, 2013
8:53 am

good morning. uggh. this is one of those janky topics (fitting for a janky morning). just too many angles. was the friend really hitting on the person or is the person one of those types that interprets every little thing as them being hit on? those folks that think everybody wants them. was the hitting on just some flirtatious words or did they lay hands on you? me? I’m not overly pressed about running back and telling. if anything old boy might just run back and tell on me saying something like “man, why you with her? that trick crazy. all I said was… and she hauled off and bust me in the head with a brick”.

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
8:55 am

SLimNu tell us how you really feel about dude…hehehehe

Wise Diva there was not a need in this situation, just someone (The BFF) wanting some of what her friend is getting…Ladies you have to be careful spilling the details about your SO putting it down…If the girlfriend is not getting any she will (WANT) some of that too…

Button

August 27th, 2013
8:58 am

Durty – I kicked them all to the curb! I must add only one was a gf the others were just in my circle. I don’t play that. I’ve witness serious damage for that knd of mess. Folks have done time bc a flirt that truned into something more serious and bc she wanted to keep it a secret it came out eventually Dude flipped on both of them.

Button

August 27th, 2013
9:04 am

Some folks have no respect for what you have. I can’t see how some women will fix their mouth to ask another woman how their man put it down in the bed. She actaully asked me that! insane. I had a gf ask me that question and I wanted to pop her in the neck but I refrained myself and excused myself from the table. She later apologized saying it’s just girl talk blah blah blah. smh

SlimNu

August 27th, 2013
9:07 am

Moni/Durty – I’m just saying, he told friends and the ex (at a party no less) that when he bummed a ride from me he left his glasses in the back seat of my car. So he got someone to bring him to pick them up. He told them I came to the door in just a t-shirt and panties….WHICH WAS A LIE LIE LIE! So it had folks looking at me like I was crazy. Fast forward to a club on New Years….it was a lot of us there together, crowded as hell. The ex and I are walking through the crowd and here comes liar pants. He grabs my arm in the crowd and would not let me go. (alcohol obviously gave him some liquid courage). He didn’t realize that the ex was holding my other hand to ensure we didn’t get separated in the crowd. Next thing I know, i’m in a tug of war. My ex really wanted to whoop his butt but he knew then that buddy was crazy. lol

disco

August 27th, 2013
9:11 am

hearing someone talk about their man sure in heck isn’t enough to make me want him. I know chicks with some raggedy, busted, worthless, no count, pitiful A men. I also know chicks whose men are stand up guys. doing the right thing but they look or act like some straight up bumpkins. they love them and apparently dudes are doing what they do. all the hype in the world won’t make me want them.

now for the spin, supposing, just supposing, your man is of the variety that I would want. well, then, Houston, we might have a problem. lol. now my “real” friends are safe from this. casual acquaintance chicks. whatever. it’s a hard knock life.

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
9:12 am

-Slim Wow, he was high on that liquid courage. Reason #101 why some folks just need to leave the alcohol alone, LOL!!!

2CPTG©

August 27th, 2013
9:14 am

morning….

“readers”, huh? yeah, ok…….smash ‘em both and keep it movin……

Slim, who lied on you, sweetie? show me that punk!

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
9:15 am

-Disco Don’t tell me you gone do them like R. Kelly: “Don’t bring your chick to the club when you first meet her.” This is a very valid point, for in the beginning you don’t really know what a person’s motives are. They could just be dating you until someone better comes along.

If you KNOW that you have friends that will flirt, then you may want to wait before you do the official meet & greet in a group setting LOL!!!

SlimNu

August 27th, 2013
9:16 am

There is a chick I’ve discussed on here thats sort of um…..looose…Anyway, she told this married chick that if she didn’t want her husband that she’d gladly take him off her hands. :shock:

SlimNu

August 27th, 2013
9:19 am

If you KNOW that you have friends that will flirt, then you may want to wait before you do the official meet & greet in a group setting

Moni – those would be the chicks i only hung around for a girls night out. She’d be like, dang Slim, I’ve never even met your dude. What’s up with that? lol

Button

August 27th, 2013
9:19 am

disco – now you do know some women just want to say ” I gotcho man” lol

Button

August 27th, 2013
9:20 am

Single & Happy

August 27th, 2013
9:21 am

Hello all

Simple, tell the friend to step off, don’t tell the s/o anything, Act like you’re grown, and handle your own business, don’t run and tell mama!!

Into the Light

August 27th, 2013
9:23 am

LOL@disco. You got the brick out early today, girl. :lol:

@Slim: And I hope your response was “and you never will”

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
9:24 am

MissMoni I want to thank you for working to keep me receiving liberties, I would also like a side order of MissMoni..Can you help me with that? lol

Blog Alert…Disco will make a play for your SO if she is digging him…

Button I like that, I am all for correcting and getting rid of janky folks…

SlimNu

August 27th, 2013
9:27 am

ITL – I tell them i’m dating Big Foot and the Lochness Monster :lol:

SlimNu

August 27th, 2013
9:28 am

disco – What does it take to get bumped up as a REAL friend, in your world…aka, friends enough not to try to take my dude???

Into the Light

August 27th, 2013
9:29 am

LOL. Good one, Slim. And you know there’s still some chick that would be like, “Heeeeeey Sasquatch. How you don’?” :lol: :lol:

disco

August 27th, 2013
9:29 am

button – for some it is about feeling like they took something from someone. chicks don’t even want dude, just checking to see if they can pull him. it can still be legit though. the new couple could be a better fit than the old couple. these things happen. the “jilted” person just needs to get over it.

Miss Moni

August 27th, 2013
9:30 am

-Durty Unable to help you with that side order, I’m a main dish type of woman! :-D

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
9:31 am

Your SO girlfriend is now your business because she hit on you…O.K.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

August 27th, 2013
9:32 am

Hell yeah you tell your SO.

1) they have a right to know that they have a shady/messy friend,
2) as a male it gets you off the hook for the lies that will follow, and
3) you shouldn’t – just out of loyalty – keep that information from your SO because of #1.

Good morning

disco

August 27th, 2013
9:35 am

what about the whole phenomenon of shooting the messenger? granted, in the presented scenario YOU are the messenger still, are you all ready to let this friend go behind this SO? we’re not necessarily talking spouse AND we all know SOs come and go and come and go and come and go.

Single & Happy

August 27th, 2013
9:39 am

Her: my bff said you made a pass at her
Me, okay
Her: well didn’t you or did you!!
Me: Ask her, cause when I want drama, I look at TNT TNT TNT!! Hope you and your bff have a nice time together.

And also, what may be a pass to me, may not have been meant to be one for you. I’ve had people say I made a pass/flirted with them, or someone else, and at the time, I didn’t know that’s what I was doing.

So I guess “imma flirt” so don’t bring her round me unless you trust herrrrr

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

August 27th, 2013
9:40 am

As far as friends that try and “take” your SO, I’ve had a few.

There were many attempts and one successful (though, in fairness she was an ex CB).

No one can take what’s mine (I mean, have you seen me?), but if any ever chose (including the ex CB), well, that’s poor decision making and she deserved her fate.

Post script, we’ve all been in the same place ATSDT after their encounter and chopped it up with my boy, and neither of use acknowledged her presence.

Single & Happy

August 27th, 2013
9:42 am

1) they have a right to know that they have a shady/messy friend, if they’re your friend and you don’t know they’re shady, me telling you isn’t going to change anything. Most of the time this isn’t the first time they they have done it, just may be the first time they did it to you!

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

August 27th, 2013
9:43 am

@S/H

Again, if we’re dating, and my actions haven’t proven me to be a man of my word – or at least trustworthy enough to be given benefit of the doubt, well, then we don’t need to date anymore.

Button

August 27th, 2013
9:44 am

disco – it’s not about the level of the relationship whether it be a person your just dating or not, it’s all about principal. Just bc the relationship might end dosn’t mean it’s open season to anybody who want to make a pass. Something tells me you’re that woman who steps in other’s relationship bc you feel it’s going to end anyway.

Celisea

August 27th, 2013
9:45 am

This is real simple. A friend of your SO steps to you, or say your bff’s SO? You need to handle that, and with the swiftness. And everybody knows there are folks that try to holla that makes your skin crawl and you get it said right….the first time. Then there are those folks that you may say “shoo”, but you know your dang self you aren’t enforcing. Check folks right, the first time and you won’t have them coming back again and again.

Now, I’m cool going either way, tell your boo or not. I’ve told bfs in the past that someone tried to hit on me in their circle, but that’s only for their benefit, for them to know their friend ain’t worth two wooden nickels rubbed together. But not so much for them to check the person. IMO, that’s not necessary. We’re adults, you ain’t gotta run and tell. Again, nothing wrong with mentioning, but really IMO, you need to handle the disrespect. Let folks know where you stand. And if someone lies and flips the script and my boo falls for such foolishness, well that’s not on me, that’s a reflection of where we stand. If I know I’m not guilty, no matter if it comes up later, I’m not running, explaining nor hiding. Like I said chose who you gonna believe. BTW, this entire scenerio tetters on hs mess…IMO

And lastly, don’t be that person that shows no respect or take no issue stepping our disrespecting your relationship, hollering at everything breathing, but snubbing and looking your nose down at folks that might take that ride with you. You’re the head bum in that scenario…lol I’ve had friends to look their nose down or felt superior to other friends, but one wasn’t really that far removed from the other.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

August 27th, 2013
9:46 am

@S/H

Clearly, your standard of trust (and for that matter respect) from the person you’re sleeping with or calling an SO is different than mine.

The D doesn’t do distrust, either take my word for it or leave me be.

Leggs

August 27th, 2013
9:46 am

Been there done that. First time, I’d probably give you a pass with you knowing how disrespectful you are. If you’re bold enough to do it again, I will tell my SO and let chips fall where they will. If my SO’s friend doesn’t care about his friend’s feelings or his relationship, why should I care protecting him by not telling. By keeping silent it’s almost seen as a second pass to some men.

Good morning.

Single & Happy

August 27th, 2013
9:48 am

Dan, if you’ve earned that trust, then nothing would be said to you.

MsAtl

August 27th, 2013
9:50 am

Morning All!

I think that the first time, I would set the person straight myself and give them a warning. If they were disrespectful enough to do it again, then yes I would tell my S/O.
My close circle of friends, I can say with confidence (I think), would not overstep their boundaries. I did have one friend “joke” and say could she join us in my bedroom. Gave that one the side-eye.

Durty Burd

August 27th, 2013
9:52 am

This is a good post…

1) they have a right to know that they have a shady/messy friend,
2) as a male it gets you off the hook for the lies that will follow, and
3) you shouldn’t – just out of loyalty – keep that information from your SO because of #1.

This goes back to Telling the Truth in a relationship. You know when someone is offering you the bootey..Quit playing…When her girlfriend is rubbing on your arms and licking her lips at you she wants some dizzle..hehehehehe