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Dating: Tell them the truth

When you are dating someone new, there is only so much you can share with them in the beginning.  We all have our secrets and spilling them all out at once just doesn’t seem that practical.  There will come a time, though, when the truth will have to come out.   It makes no sense to hide something in hopes that when they find out, they will care too much to leave. You have to tell them the truth – your truth, at some point.

A friend of mine is dating a new man and she has been really excited about him.  When he revealed to her last week that he is still “technically married”  she felt mislead.  Obviously, a spouse is something you can’t hide forever. What are some truths that you definitely should not wait to tell someone?

Do you think a lot of single people lie and mislead in order to get what they want?  This kind of thing can only backfire on you, why do so many do it anyway?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

351 comments Add your comment

Lee

August 23rd, 2013
7:08 am

Do you think a lot of single people lie and mislead in order to get what they want? Absolutely and married people do the same.
This kind of thing can only backfire on you, why do so many do it anyway? Its the I’m to good, the best, they will never find out…syndrome
There is no such thing as “technically Married” you either are or you are not. I hope your girlfriend gave him the BOOT!!!

I see i am the #2 stalker… wooHoo i have a title and it friday what could be better than that.

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2013
7:48 am

Morning, all!

Do people lie and mislead???? Does a cat have climbing gear? Seriously, most people lie. The trick is to pay attention and listen to what is being said….in time, the truth usually reveals itself.

@Lee: Congrats on being the number 2 stalker. LOL

TGIF!!!!!

Button

August 23rd, 2013
8:06 am

Wise – I hope your friend gave that guy a swift kick in his arse!!!!

What are some truths that you definitely should not wait to tell someone?
if you are married
if you have children
if you have illness/disease
if you have a felony record
if they are wanted by the law (they are out on bond, awaiting trial)

Good morning!

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
8:11 am

No, I don’t think “single” people LIE, to get what they want…I think LIARS lie to get what they want. And let’s be crystal clear, lying ain’t limited to “what you say”, it’s what folks don’t say, don’t reveal, and as my mama says “acting” out a lie. Some folks? Everything about them and in every way screams LIAR, can’t tell them that though!! lol You’d better ask pertinent, specific questions. But most liars ALWAYS believe they’re just THAT good. Character deficiency! Ain’t nobody THAT good.

Why to people do it? Beats me. Guess they figure they’re just that good, that smart.

Button

August 23rd, 2013
8:39 am

Do you think a lot of single people lie and mislead in order to get what they want? ALL ppl lie to get what they want but, since we are talking about dating I would say yes. Most single ppl lie to get what they want. It’s not right but it works for the best of em. Improvising your life story, making yourself more appealing, smarter, enhanced.

YesSheIsCute

August 23rd, 2013
8:43 am

Good morning everyone! :)

I believe that honesty is the best policy. I think that people should be forthcoming about things and tell the truth when asked but there are two interesting questions I have about telling the truth and being forthcoming.
1. Since you can’t assume people will be forthcoming about certain things, is the onus really on us to ask every question we can possibly think of that they may not be forthcoming about? Especially if a liar is gonna lie anyway?

2. At what stage in dating do you determine that “telling the truth” or “coming forth” with information is appropriate? While some people wait TOO long to divulge pertinent information, some people divulge it too quickly and it comes off as a red flag when it may not necessarily be.

Ex: I found out someone had a mental illness after living with him for 2 years. He had been managing it very well obviously because I never suspected it, until he had an “episode”, while someone else told me right after the first date, but it kind of came off as a red flag more so than being honest about his situation.

MsAtl

August 23rd, 2013
9:13 am

Morning All!

Button- I agree with your list; those are things that you should divulge straight up.

Celisea- Right! Liars lie to get what they want, because obviously the guy in MIA’s example isn’t single. I wonder how long they have been dating.

My view is, why lie? A lot of things will be found out, so just tell the truth. You don’t have to tell your life story right from the word “hello” but as you get to know the person, certain things should be divulged. I ask questions, but obviously I cannot think of ALL possible questions and some folks have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy. Hence, the reason I try to get to know a person PRIOR to becoming intimate.

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2013
9:14 am

Great post, YSIC!

is the onus really on us to ask every question we can possibly think of that they may not be forthcoming about?

And haven’t we all had a conversation that went something like this:

Her: So I found out __________
Him: Yes, it’s true.
Her: Why didn’t you tell me???
Him: You never asked.

Just ugh on the “you never asked”….

hrh

August 23rd, 2013
9:19 am

Happy Friday! Do you think a lot of single people lie and mislead in order to get what they want? While there are lies that once you tell them, they take root and you have to keep telling more lies,
I think some people lie to make themselves appear more desirable or appealing to the other party. I had the misfortune of dealing with a pathological liar who, I honestly felt, didn’t know what the truth was anymore! They lied about everything, even things that were somewhat insignificant.
Maturity has taught me that everything does not need to be revealed immediately, but depending on how the relationship is progressing, pertinent information – like being married – is important. The truth truly represents itself! Now I’m going to get some S*bucks!

2CPTG©

August 23rd, 2013
9:21 am

g’morning….

in the words of the great “DeBarge”…..all things will reveal in time!!!!!

MsAtl, so you wouldn’t date someone with a record???? even if he’s reformed? Cutie….what if he gets a crazy check, still a no-go?

MsAtl

August 23rd, 2013
9:22 am

hrh- Caramel Macchiatto, please and thank you…

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2013
9:26 am

LOL@MsAtl. I’m drinking a caramel latte right now. :)

Lady~

August 23rd, 2013
9:27 am

lol C~ good post!

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:27 am

Ms.Atl – Exactly!

Personally, I’m not of the mindset that “everybody” lies, I don’t believe that. I’ve always known “straight-up” to be the way to go. Everybody can’t appreciate that, but that’s nothing to do with you. I dunno, I wonder if it’s upbringing or how people have operated all their lives that would make them believe, lying is the way to go or what everyone does. It’s just simply not true.

The truth shall set you free :) As the good book says!

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:28 am

Heeey Lady(bug), good to see you!

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:32 am

As it relates to who the “onus” falls on, I think it’s the responsibilty of one to ask questions and not assume. But those honest dudes (and there are some), they’ll be forthright, forthcoming. A dude knows if you’re asking “soooo are you married, with someone”, that likely (not all the time) your intent is to date him as long as he’s available. If a woman is asking, but didn’t ask it all and you can vibe she’s make sure the way is cleared, then you ought to forthcoming a tell her what she didn’t ask.

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:32 am

“making”

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:33 am

And if you say “you didn’t ask”….dealbreaker!

MsAtl

August 23rd, 2013
9:33 am

2C- “MsAtl, so you wouldn’t date someone with a record???? even if he’s reformed?”
I used to say I would not date anyone with a record, but the reality is that with maturity I have learned to look beyond the mere fact of a record and consider the specific circumstances. ex.- Was it for reckless driving or murder?

I do not believe that everyone lies.

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:34 am

Leggs

August 23rd, 2013
9:37 am

What are some truths that you definitely should not wait to tell someone?

1. Marital Status
2. Medical status (e.g., HIV+)
3. The fact you have children
4. Your bi-sexual
5. Penal system record
6. Have you ever stalked someone

Button, just finished my list and I go back to see what you guys have said and I see you covered those things on my list…oh well, I’m posting anyway because we are right (lol).

Good morning.

disco

August 23rd, 2013
9:43 am

good morning.

first things first, lying and misleading aren’t exactly the same thing. lol.

lee – as much as I understand your post re married or not I also definitely understand the “technically married”. I know folks who haven’t seen their “technical spouses” in 10-15-20 years. just too lazy/cheap/sorry to get a “technical” divorce.

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

August 23rd, 2013
9:44 am

Good morning

Sooo, what I’m reading is that because you didn’t ask (a specific question about something you need/want/should know)…it’s still the other persons fault?

Really?

2CPTG©

August 23rd, 2013
9:45 am

y’all ladies are a mess…..

dudes, we just wanna know are all of your body parts real, and were you born a female….everything else will come out in the wash…..

I noticed a few of y’all keep mentioning a guy’s “record”…..you wanna know upfront if he’s been behind bars? What about his credit worthiness? When is that discussion warranted? Hell, if his forearms are the biggest part of his body, and it’s 2013 and his waves are immaculate, 9 times outta 10, he just got released……

disco

August 23rd, 2013
9:47 am

C – I’m’a have to beg to differ on lying being about what you don’t say. if I didn’t say it then I didn’t “technically” lie (yes, I guess I’ve embraced technically for today – lol).

ITL – you never asked is a legitimate response. don’t ask, don’t tell is real. lol.

hrh

August 23rd, 2013
9:49 am

@MsA@Itl gotcha! Dark roast w/non fat milk for me today!
MsA – good point, I wouldn’t rule out someone with a record automatically, I think people can change
Celisea – I agree, ask quesions – if the answer is fishy….it’s probably a lie
Leggs – in this day the medical/sexual preference is really important, I wish more people would be upfront about that
Sometimes people are ashamed or in denial, or they simply think no one will ever find out about things in their past so they don’t think they’re not being truthful.

disco

August 23rd, 2013
9:50 am

C – the truth will also get you locked up. it just depends on what the truth is. lol.

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:52 am

Hey disco, I’ll raise your “beg to differ” to not agreeing with misleading not being quite the same as lying…lol Most folks hide behind what you just stated. They didn’t say it, but they knew they’re acting out on what they didn’t say. IMO, it’s all the same.

And another thing, because I believe “I’m somebody” and a person don’t think I’m “allat”, that’s not misleading, that’s a difference of opinion. :mrgreen:

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:53 am

they know, not knew

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:54 am

hrh – Yep, more than likely

disco – True…lol

Leggs

August 23rd, 2013
9:54 am

Durty ~ not sure how I come across here, but stalking isn’t one of my traits. I would never sweat someone enough to stalk that stank behind!

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
9:55 am

And if you have a “past”, it’s not relevant (IMO), to reveal to another, unless it’s going to affect them. A stripper, nunya business, a disease, yes you need to put that on the table.

2CPTG©

August 23rd, 2013
9:55 am

the truth will also get you locked up. it just depends on what the truth is. lol.

ye’en neva lied!!!!! Let them do their job, don’t do it for them!

2CPTG©

August 23rd, 2013
10:03 am

g’morning disco……

Durty Burd

August 23rd, 2013
10:06 am

Good Morning!

Trust and respect….Being dishonest is a bunch of bullish…Tell the truth and keep it moving…Look someone is going to luv that you are truthful person..We are lying way to much we need to stop.

Being married lawfully means something so if you did not get a divorce you are still married..Get of here with the crap Disco…

Leggs did I put you on the stalker list, oops my bad..More like brick throwing list…

HrH….. welcome back!
YSTC…. A linguist huh..nice
Celisea.. Wisdom has found you!
Lady….How are you doing?

disco

August 23rd, 2013
10:10 am

durty – I wasn’t disagreeing with the fact that folks weren’t still “technically” married. I’m just putting it out there that I happen to know plenty of folks who never bothered to get divorced, probably never will, and are getting along just fine day in and day out, year in and year out.

Leggs

August 23rd, 2013
10:21 am

“never bothered to get divorced, probably never will, and are getting along just fine day in and day out, year in and year out.” – But, if any of them should fall in love and want to remarry again, they will need to go to through the divorce process when they should have that path already cleared, JIC….

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2013
10:23 am

@disco: How ’bout this one? I know of someone who was married, she and her husband separated and started new relationships and had children with their new SOs, but are still “legally” married. At least last I heard. WTH???

Durty Burd

August 23rd, 2013
10:23 am

Disco…. I know folks will accept the seperation statement and still get in a relationship with that person. The premise is it needs to come out sooner than later…

Celisea …good point about whether upbringing is a factor with you becoming a liar…Too many parents tell lies when their kids are around and they are suprise when their kids grow up being liers..

Reio

August 23rd, 2013
10:27 am

Morning all!

Don’t know how much I can add to what’s already been said. One of the reasons that I had prolonged stretches when I was girlfriendless(if that’s a word), in my youth, was the fact that I was very open, up front, and honest. Never lied. If the truth was not enougth to get her, she lost out. If the truth was not enough to keep her, after getting her, she lost out. I always tell the truth. Just ask my wife. She struggled with it early on,until she realized that if you ask me a question, “expect the truth”.
No more. No less. Period. I haven’t changed either.

hrh

August 23rd, 2013
10:31 am

@durty@disco: you both have valid points, that’s where the questions/comunication comes in because that’s a good case for “don’t ask don’t tell” lol

disco

August 23rd, 2013
10:35 am

reio – your “expect the truth” made me think of my “respect the truth”. lol.

so how many of us are on team “everyone lies” and how many of us are on team “not everyone lies”. I’m on team everyone lies.

Durty Burd

August 23rd, 2013
10:37 am

Reio…That is what I am talking about, I wish I had been more honest in my past relationships…Like I want to see other women, is that o.k.? hehehehehe!

hrh…I look at it this way, if you are coming into my world and is going to accept my life positively or negatively just tell me the truth so I can make decide if I want to go further…

kimmie

August 23rd, 2013
10:38 am

Morning All!!

Just ugh on the “you never asked”….

Light – I cannot stand this!! Especially when it’s concerning something major. I found out thru the grapevine a guy I had been seeing almost a year had a 4 year old daughter. He gave me that “you never asked” response. There were no pictures or signs of her at his house. He was paying child support, but did not have a relationship with the child. I just didn’t think an almost 40 year old man would not be forthcoming about their own kid, even if they didn’t have a relationship with said kid.

I learned a valuable lesson from that. You see, I met dude at a cousin’s wedding, in fact he was the brother of the lady my cousin married. I slacked up on alot of my normal due dilligence because I met him thru family and thought he checked out. Just goes to show, you can’t assume anything.

Dan – Your 9:44, yeah it’s a little mind-boggling to me too!

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2013
10:39 am

@disco: I’m on team everyone lies. It’s sad but true that at some point, everyone has told a lie whether outright or by omission. EVERYONE.

Lady~

August 23rd, 2013
10:40 am

Durty Burd, I am doing well! Thanks for asking! :)

disco

August 23rd, 2013
10:41 am

kimmie – I know several folks who count the kids you can see. one close friend of mine had a baby in high school but he was raised by his father’s family. she later married and had kids but didn’t include that one in her kid count if folks asked how many she had. I also know guys who count their main kids with the wife or current gf but not the outside kids. the kid count can get tricky. lol.

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2013
10:42 am

Just goes to show, you can’t assume anything.

Ain’t that the truth!

@kimmie: I’m only 4 episodes away from being caught up. Funny thing is, I’ve not liked Skyler all along, but I’m starting to soften towards her a bit. LOVE me some Jesse, though. #cougarcrush :lol:

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
10:43 am

Janet Jackson has a kid somewhere.

Everyone has told a lie…but everybody ain’t liars….huge difference

Celisea

August 23rd, 2013
10:43 am

And along with that, everybody ain’t perfect, but we’re (most of us) are striving to be and get better…