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Vetting your dates?

I have to start asking around about the men that I mean.  I feel as if I am reverting back to my naive days when I just assume people are sane,  normal, and gainfully employed.  They are most definitely not always any of of these, so why not vet a person a little bit.  One of the perks of blind dates is having a little intel on someone who you decide to date.

When you don’t have friend referrals or you don’t know anyone family members, is it smart to do a little screening?  Would you actually invest in an internet search or go so far as to hire an investigator?

I know a woman who said she wished she vetted her man before she started dating him.  It turns out he had a criminal record and a history of financial fraud.  Will vetting your date even net results that are useful? Have you ever done it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

270 comments Add your comment

Lee

August 13th, 2013
6:58 am

Searching for someone’s history on the net could be helpful, then again a lot of information is incorrect. I know a guy that search me and he showed me the results, some of that was incorrect- it showed that i was married twice and i was only married once. You could ask to see a credit report but even on there the information is not correct thou if i ever do get married again i will ask for it, it would be an excellent time to correct mistakes before you tie the knot.

Life is a gamble. The trick maybe to date a person for a long time…but there are no guarantees for anything or anyone.
Unhappy Tuesday… Where’s the weekend already? ugh

Single and Happy

August 13th, 2013
7:02 am

Hello All

I would never do an internet search, nor am I going to listen to friends or family. I take the time to get to know the person, never rush into anything.

Mrs. SexyCool

August 13th, 2013
7:52 am

Criminal history and financial fraud. Character flaws such as those will show themselves in other ways if you take your time getting to know a person.

However, I don’t see anything wrong with a internet search or two. “Who gone check me, boo? You better google me.” (lol)

Miss Moni

August 13th, 2013
8:13 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!!

“Who gone check me, boo? You better google me.”
-Mrs. SexyCool this is a CLASSIC line, LOL!!! :-)

I have never hired a private investigator nor do I ever plan to. I have conducted an internet search or two. You would be amazed at the things that are available for FREE through Public Records. I agree that things will REVEAL themselves IF you give it some time.

I’ve seen people rush into a full blown relationship after just meeting the person last week. They get married after 6 months and then in another 6 months the issues start to surface. I was once told that you should be with a person and see how they respond through each season. I was also told by a counseling professional that you don’t really know who a person is in a relationship until you see how they respond during a disagreement (arguement).

For those of you who have seen the movie Temptations (by Tyler Perry), refer to how nice, sweet and caring the guy was in the beginning. He was a stone cold abusive, cocaine snorting, insecure, still had mommy issues fool!!! My point is that you have to actually get to know the person you’re dating and having sex with them everytime ya’ll get together is NOT the way to do that.

Button

August 13th, 2013
8:16 am

When you don’t have friend referrals or you don’t know anyone family members, is it smart to do a little screening? Yes

Would you actually invest in an internet search or go so far as to hire an investigator? I won’t go as far as hiring a private investigator but I will google him, linkedin and facebook him.

Will vetting your date even net results that are useful? Have you ever done it? I met a young fella at church, I suspected something was not right with him. He had “that” spirit on him, well come to find out he was arrested several times for breaking and entering and stolen goods. I never went back to that church after I found out all that stuff about him out of fear that he would follow me home or something. My advice is to do your research. I won’t hurt. Some ppl are on the three strike plan. lol

Lee – @ credit rating, at this age, and the collapse of the economy along with scores of foreclosures, job loss, and not to mention divorce/death, some ppl credit score is ruined, it doesn’t mean they are horrible ppl and don’t deserve to date.

I like watching the tv show Cheaters. It’s insane!

Robert

August 13th, 2013
8:20 am

“Vetting your dates?”
Today, Googling – is the preferred method of being “nosey” for women. If you want to know anything about me just ask and I will tell you (good, bad, etc.). I will not allow a woman to dis-respect me like that. I will tell you how childish you are and never see you again. “If you think you are lonely know, wait until the nite time.”

If a man has to sink to that level (Googling his dates) he is a very insecure man. Ladies beware. If he acts like a woman he is a woman.

“Googling and Nosey-Rosey’s” – I hate them…

CoolShadow

August 13th, 2013
8:25 am

There’s nothing wrong with doing a little vetting on someone especially if you have no one to vouch for their character. If your internet search turns up nothing, that’s a good start. If you do find something dubious like a criminal arrest or mugshot, then there’s possibly no need to go further. Like in Button’s case, her internet search negated her need to conduct a personal vetting.

Into the Light

August 13th, 2013
8:25 am

Morning, all!

MissMoni – Great post. Reminds me of a friend of mine from HS. She was all set to move to another state to be with this guy. The weekend before, she meets up with a guy we went to HS with. Fast forward 1 month – they are engaged to be married this fall.

Good for them, I guess, but it’s too much too fast for me…… :roll:

Mrs. SexyCool

August 13th, 2013
8:30 am

Robert – I would just Google yo’ a$$ and just not tell you.

Mrs. SexyCool

August 13th, 2013
8:33 am

Looking back on past relationships, I can say that my worst relationships came out of rush decisions and falling in love and losing my damned mind.

Into the Light

August 13th, 2013
8:34 am

Robert – no top 10 dos and don’ts for vetting dates????? :)

LOL@MrsSCool.

Into the Light

August 13th, 2013
8:35 am

Looking back on past relationships, I can say that my worst relationships came out of rush decisions and falling in love and losing my damned mind.

Church! Of course, those were also the most fun (at least while the fun lasted)

Mrs. SexyCool

August 13th, 2013
8:37 am

Besides, who is going around telling folks that they googled them?

Him: I really enjoyed our first date. When can we go out again?

Her: Oh hell naw…I googled yo’ a$$ and found out about that child support warrant. Lose my number. {{click}}

Button

August 13th, 2013
8:45 am

Mrs SexyCool –Oh hell naw…I googled yo’ a$$ and found out about that child support warrant. Lose my number. {{click}}—— dangit! I just spit coffee all over my keyboard! bawhahahaha

Miss Moni

August 13th, 2013
8:48 am

-ITL Thanks, some people prefer to “Speed Date” but I would much prefer to actually get to know him! :-)

MsAtl

August 13th, 2013
8:58 am

Morning All!

I would not hire an investigator to vet a date. I would prefer to get to know the person through talking and spending time with them. That said, I don’t find it crazy to google someone, but I wouldn’t put too much time into it. Women have to be safe out there. The last date I went on, I met him at the place. When he asked for my address, I told him I did not know him well enough to give him my address. Don’t let me come home and you’re out there painting my house, lol.

Robert

August 13th, 2013
9:01 am

“Vetting your dates?”
Top 10 – How to protect yourself from being “googled”.

1. Always use an “alias” name – Hi, my name is DC, when you meet.
2. Never use your last name.
3. Never give home address.
4. Never talk about your kids or family.
5. Never take her to meet your family (mother, etc.).
6. Never take her to public places (movies, dinner, etc.)
7. Never let her see your car (make, model, tag, etc.)
8. After time (1-3 months) allow a woman into my inner circle.
9. By that time she has proven herself worthy.
10 She is in my presence by her actions (trust, respect, etc.).

Guys, if you follow my simple rules you will avoid the sting of being “googled” repeatedly by every woman you meet.

Into the Light

August 13th, 2013
9:02 am

sn: I left my phone at home today, and feel a little lost…… :(

Mrs. SexyCool

August 13th, 2013
9:15 am

ITL – I check for my phone before I check for my keys when I’m leaving the house.

disco

August 13th, 2013
9:18 am

good morning.

moni – I had dude in temptation pegged from the gate. maybe it was because I just didn’t see him as all that tempting and he had the nerve to be a little too pushy for my taste.

re doing due diligence. I’m all for it. I will check vital statistics, register of deeds, dmv records, arrest records, you name it. no shame in my game.

itl – I have a friend who met a guy online in October and was married to him by January and moving to his city. my only advice was that she not sell her house just in case it didn’t work out. it’s been about 5 years and they are still together. of course, she was in her 50s. I may have been against it if we were talking about a 20 year old.

Miss Moni

August 13th, 2013
9:23 am

-ITL I unintentionally left my phone at home Sunday on my way to church and it was actually refreshing. It’s good to UNPLUG every now and then. Now I feel naked when I forget to put a watch on. :-)

-Disco Yeah, it was definitely something about him from the get go.

Into the Light

August 13th, 2013
9:25 am

I guess I’m going to have to start doing that “phone, keys, gum” dance…. :lol:

@disco: I’m all for love at first sight and whirlwind romance on a Hallmark movie, but I think I probably am too cautious (read: scared) to do something like that.

disco

August 13th, 2013
9:28 am

robert – your list sounds awfully close to my “track a killer” list. lol. every now and again you have to just go out on a limb. I figure if a dude does get me off somewhere and kill me at least someone will have all his info. I will call a friend with all his details. I’ve even emailed myself and left voice messages for myself. I figure the homicide investigators will put one and one together. lol.

itl – I’m not the whirlwind type either but I recognize that when you reach a certain age the reality is that time’s a wasting. what have you got to lose? nothing beats a failure but a try. lol.

2CPTG©

August 13th, 2013
9:34 am

morning….

So only y’all gals do this kinda stuff! We got more important stuff on our minds….

disco

August 13th, 2013
9:37 am

2C – it’s not so much that you all have more important things on your mind. it’s that your mind won’t allow you to fathom the possibility that some chick can possibly pull a fast one on you. you figure you are bigger, stronger, tougher so she poses no immediate physical threat. you also figure you can spot game so she can’t possibly get all up in your pockets or set you up some kind of way. problem with that thinking is that many men have been had by chicks and more men will continue to be had.

Celisea

August 13th, 2013
9:38 am

Due diligence should be par for the course. That and intuition, you should be okay…should be…lol

Ummm, Rob, the top eight on your list has “shenanigans” written all over them. lol So you can’t reveal anything..just playing games (as it reads), but according to number nine, you’re really expecting her to be upfront and show who she is??? She’s gotta prove herself trustworthy for a dude that’s playing Phantom??

Ummm, yeah, buyer beware!! But, do you, boo! :mrgreen:

2CPTG©

August 13th, 2013
9:40 am

No disco, on the contrary….we just don’t do this kinda stuff….not saying because we can’t be “got”…..but, just because…..doing stuff like this makes a man look “moist”! This is about as bad as going thru a chic’s purse!

disco

August 13th, 2013
9:49 am

2C – I don’t see it as the same thing. I’ll consult public records to see what I can find all day long. I would never go through a man’s wallet to see what’s in there.

I think any good athlete will size up his opponent. any good thief will size up his mark. I figure it’s the nature of the beast to try to determine what you are up against or working with. sure you can be fair and objective and give a person a chance but why waste time when you can eliminate them from the gate if your search uncovers deal breakers. lol.

Button

August 13th, 2013
9:52 am

Robert – @ your list, well I’m sure you’re sure to find someone to comply.

kimmie

August 13th, 2013
9:53 am

Morning All!!

On topic – Everyone, especially ladies, should do some type of due dilligence on anyone they date or plan on sharing time, money, body fluids with! As for the method of vetting, it’s up to you and the situation. For most, taking time and talking and getting to know works. That’s simple and cheap. Use common sense and pay attention. Notice inconsitency and when stuff does not quite add up. Don’t be so wrapped up in a persons good looks or car that you are blind. Nothing wrong with Googling, but why would you tell the person you did it? That’s stupid, to me. Hiring an investigator? I guess I’ve watched too much tv or movies, because that sounds like something folks do after they have been together awhile and suspect something is up with the other, not something folks do coming out of the gate. Stanger things have happened though.

SlimNu

August 13th, 2013
9:55 am

Good morning and heyal naw! Why we get an email just now saying that a 4ft snake skin was found in the front office and to not be alarmed….just let them know if we come across the actual snake. OMG!!! :shock:

Exiled

August 13th, 2013
9:57 am

I wld proly google her..especially if some of what she saying is kinda seems suspect…or more so, if we meet in the 3 rd round of the draft!…..

we both got some long history,so why not.

good morning MIA.

..IF uall dont mind, i wanna ask uall a question….later on…politics..

MsAtl

August 13th, 2013
9:58 am

Celisea- Your second paragraph: mmm hmmm :twisted:

MsAtl

August 13th, 2013
9:59 am

SlimNu- So, I guess you are out of there, huh? That is crazy!

Celisea

August 13th, 2013
9:59 am

@Rob

For me, performing due diligence is not looking for something shady, but more so to see if what you said (like what you claimed your name is) is on the up and up. Like I said yesterday, some behaviors just ain’t worth your time, but out of the gate, I want to see if you’re forthright. And really, contrary to the list, if you have nothing but the best intentions and have operated as such, there’s no need to hide who you are. Because if you’re on the up and up, what comes up is all favorable. And you don’t have to worry about golddiggers or cra cra or drama king/gueens and stuff cause really the power lies in your hands (that sounded some LOTR or Harry Potter type stuff…lol). Well, at least your spending power. Now controlling cra cra, not too sure on that…but, IJS

SlimNu

August 13th, 2013
9:59 am

MsAtl – I’ve done a check of my office and let’s just say, my feet are no longer on the floor. lol

Celisea

August 13th, 2013
10:02 am

MsAtl – I don’t get the logic of hiding EVERYTHING about you, but REQUIRING chick be on the up and up? I guess cause I don’t subscribe to games, I just wouldn’t think to hide everything about me. I don’t say reveal everything, but danggit, don’t you need to have a name, to start with??? LOLOLOL

But, as I always say “do you, boo”

disco

August 13th, 2013
10:02 am

slim – lol. I hate to bug you but snakes can climb. remember the cosby show episode when theo insisted snakes couldn’t climb stairs. it was a “scientific fact”. lol.

MsAtl

August 13th, 2013
10:03 am

SlimNu- I know that’s right, lol. I remember driving down the highway with my feet up because I thought I felt something go across my foot. I was ready to leave that car right there and roll out!

Into the Light

August 13th, 2013
10:05 am

Ewwww, I’m terrified of snakes. Slim, can you work from home today?? IJS…. :shock:

disco

August 13th, 2013
10:05 am

atl – I read a column in a paper where this lady in south Carolina said a snake came from under her hood while she was driving. she called 911 and the police met her in a church parking lot and the cop got the snake. the column was hilarious though because she was straight about to lose her mind.

MsAtl

August 13th, 2013
10:05 am

Celisea- I don’t get it either. I like Scrabble, not dating games. That is not the way to start off a friendship, much less if you are looking for a dating relationship. Seriously? My name is Slim and I need to know everything about you so I can see if you are worth giving my real name…

Celisea

August 13th, 2013
10:09 am

MsAtl – Ruuuun Forrest ruuuuuuun!!!

My name is Slim and I need to know everything about you so I can see if you are worth giving my real name…

Mmm hmmm, shenanigans!!! Apparently folks that think like this ain’t worth it. He’s probably that dude with a wife and kids on the other side of town or in another state…lolololol

disco

August 13th, 2013
10:10 am

atl – I am one of those people that holds back on the info. I may give my first name but I’m not always quick to give my last. that’s the key to finding all that public information. one guy got mad (for real mad) when I wouldn’t tell him where I worked. we’d just met. this was the first phone call. I replied simply with I work downtown. that wasn’t enough for him but it was all he was getting from me. we never spoke after that call. another guy mentioned he’d like to see my house. ummm. dude you’ve only seen me once when we exchanged numbers, what makes you think my house is up next. nope. I’m all for withholding information. lol.

SlimNu

August 13th, 2013
10:12 am

disco – You just had to make me more paranoid didn’t ya….i will leave all my stuff here and dip if I need to.

MsATL – I remember a bee got in my car while I was driving once. I nearly wrecked my car trying to get that thing out the window. lol

Celisea

August 13th, 2013
10:12 am

I don’t think any person should be comfortable revealing everything abou thing..not cool, not safe. But, if you expect to get to know someone, playing games sure ain’t the way to do it…well yeah it is. If dishonesty is your thing, then yeah you should be just who you are. Just hope the person is watching closely enough to catch it.

Celisea

August 13th, 2013
10:13 am

“…….revealing everything about their life, not cool….”

is where I was going…

SlimNu

August 13th, 2013
10:13 am

ITL – Wish I could work from home, unfortunately I don’t have that option. :cry:

Robert

August 13th, 2013
10:16 am

@Celisea – ” but according to number nine, you’re really expecting her to be upfront and show who she is???”

Exactly. I love a confident woman who does not look at your past as a guide to your life. I love a woman who looks at our future we can share together regardless of what you have been through in life. We all deserve a 2nd chance.

If she feels it is OK to check on you via Google, etc., she has a problem not you. There is a big difference.

MsAtl

August 13th, 2013
10:19 am

Disco- I am all for not providing your entire life story in the first 5 minutes of meeting. That is the getting to know you part that takes a minute. But giving an alias, not talking about your kids or family, never taking her to public places (where the heck are you dating- in the freaking woods?), never letting her see your car (make, model, tag, etc.) and all of this for 1-3 months?? I’m sorry, but that’s just extreme and tomfoolery to me! Especially when some guys want to know when you first meet whether you have kids or whatever?