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Relationships: Baggage claim

I saw the trailer for an upcoming film called, Baggage Claim, that made me think about one of the worst dates I have ever had.  The guy spent a good 20 minutes ranting about his ex wife.  I didn’t know whether to feel bad for him or hand him my therapist’s phone number!

He talked as if he was open to a new relationship but it was clear this guy had baggage.   I’m not talking about little carry on size baggage, either.  I think that we all have some baggage, though.  Heaven knows I harbor a bit of battle scars from the dating battlefield.  The difference is I recognize it and try to deal with it.  I don’t know if a lot of people realize they have baggage from their last relationships that they need to own up to.

Do you think that you have baggage from your former relationships?  Is it possible for some of it to be good and helpful?

Have you ever dated someone who had a little too much baggage for you to handle?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

236 comments Add your comment

Lee

August 12th, 2013
6:59 am

I saw this great quote: “Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.”

I believe that after a relationship everyone should give yourself time, some people try to jump into another relationship while still hurt over the last one.

Its not that i have dated someone with too much baggage it the fact they had too many issues in general. good grief charlie brown grow up already.

Monday Blues… Destin was wonderful looking forward to going back one day

MsAtl

August 12th, 2013
8:59 am

Morning All!

Lee- I’ve seen that quote and I agree, it is a good one.
I am sure everyone has baggage, even it if’s just a tote. When I entered my last relationship, I made an effort to leave my bags outside the door. I judged him on his own merit and did not hold what my ex did against him. Basically, I started with a clean slate.

I married someone with too much baggage and realized that not only could I not help him unpack it, but that the suitcase kept busting open flinging stuff at me…

SlimNu

August 12th, 2013
9:00 am

Good morning all….

Lee – I’m digging that quote but I think we all have the responsibility to help ourselves. We cannot assume that someone else is going to be able to fix our issues.

Monday – bah humbug

The man formerly know as DAN - still...Superior

August 12th, 2013
9:21 am

Morning,

@Slim not “fix”, but: help us work on, make us want to work on, offer a different perspective of, and help us confront [those issues].

Finding the right person, letting that guard down, and letting them “in” enough to help is a hard thing for most people. Let’s not mention putting aside one’s pride enough to ask for help…

#sleepy

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
9:39 am

Morning All!!

Hey Dan!

On topic – I like a lot of what everyone is saying today. I think we all come with a little something. I also think some baggage may never really get “unpacked” or goes away, but it can be put in storage so it won’t get in the way! Some stuff is just always gonna be a work in progress, but it should not be allowed to derail one’s life and happiness. That’s giving it entirely too much power, which nothing or noone deserves. That’s why I was always careful to not jump into anything too fast after a bad breakup. That guy was not going to have that kind of power over me or make me miss out on a blessing.

Yes, while we need to handle our own issues, a lot of times it does take being open to another outlook and approach on things. I’ve seen some folks with what some might consider baggage the size of a 5 year old child be able to overcome it and have successful relationships.

SlimNu

August 12th, 2013
9:39 am

Dan – You are definitely right….it’s scary to reveal yourself like that. Folks see being Vulnerable as a gateway to being weak.

daddy swiss

August 12th, 2013
9:44 am

Oops, I did it again…

SlimNu

August 12th, 2013
9:45 am

kimmie – Just over the last week or so, i’ve come to realize that folks sometimes simply cannot let go of things. We love to hold onto crap!…myself included.

disco

August 12th, 2013
9:49 am

good morning.

slim – you beat me to the punch. help yourself. it’s your baggage. you packed it, you unpack it.

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
9:55 am

Lee ~ love the quote.

I agree, we all have baggage to a certain degree. I like to think mine is tote bag size because I don’t sweat a lot of stuff. Since I’ve never been physically or emotionally abused, I see no need to harbor ill feelings. It is what it is, and NEXT….

Miss Moni

August 12th, 2013
9:56 am

GOOD Monday Morning MIA!!! *Dropped off my vehicle for repairs this morning & I have my rental, a Chrysler 200. . .*

Baggage Claim uh. . . Well everyone has issues, big or small. It’s up to the individual whether they are going to where their “battle scars” as a badge of honor OR if they are going to live and learn and move forward with their life. One of my pet peeves is a person constantly complaining about what someone did to them.

Regardless of what someone has done to you in a relationship, you still have the choice as to how you are going to deal with you. If you continue to live in the past, then I don’t believe that you’re ready to be in a relationship. Learn from your experiences and try your best to NOT make the same choices again that landed you in that not so good situation to begin with. Be smarter and wiser and move on with your life!!!

Exiled

August 12th, 2013
10:00 am

So uall saying we need to check for baggage compatibility…or check our baggage tolerance at the door…??

All that(baggage compatibility and baggage tolerance) is implied tho when folks go out on dates……that is why when we meet the chic for the first date,and she opens up bout some thangs,some dudes aint gon give her the 2nd date nor even answer the dern phone…it goes to the “dna_its Ray Ray” voice mail!…..and we know some of uall ladies are notorious for that!

If he says he is outa of a job and currrently staying at mama house….disco aint go talk to him again..because she wants him to have his own crib/room etc.

Everybody has baggage..either they dont admit it(in denial..which charachter trait is baggage in itself)..others jes have waay tooo much(4 kids,diiferent baby daddies but she wants a dude with nice ride and near 6 figure)..or she got dentures but she wants dude with nice set of teeth! :lol:

God morning MIA!

2CPTG©

August 12th, 2013
10:01 am

g’morning…..

I disagree…..no, we don’t all have baggage…..quirks, idiosyncracies, oddities, yes, but not neccesarily baggage….

disco

August 12th, 2013
10:05 am

2C – it’s one of those semantic things. your “quirk” may not be baggage to you but it may be perceived as baggage to someone else. heck, I know I’ve referred to men with too many kids as having too much baggage. those men likely love their kids and would never call them baggage (as well they shouldn’t – still doesn’t mean they aren’t baggage to me). lol.

Celisea

August 12th, 2013
10:09 am

I don’t really agree that everyone carries or have baggage. Everybodys got a history, but that don’t necessarily equate to “baggage.” You can drop it ooooor you can hang on….easily. It’s on you, boo! :mrgreen:

IMO, we’ve conditioned ourselves to believe that if someone wronged us (for example), that it wouldn’t be life and living and normal, to not carry that. Mourn, if you will, and move on. Moving on means moving on…nothing residual, nothing dragging on your ankles. Just like there’s that dude or chick that didn’t spotlight it in for you and you can barely remember their face, just as well for that dude or chick that moved heaven and earth. Mind over matter, folks…mind over matter!

Celisea

August 12th, 2013
10:12 am

BTW, kids from another ain’t baggage…IMO They or he or she is an extension of you. If you’re dating or with someone that considers any part of you as “baggage” and doing you a favor by taking “all y’all” on, then you might not want to be with them. IJS

IMO, baggage is stuff that stops you from being successful in your next relationship….and kids ain’t that or ain’t it. That’s junk where you can’t trust or move on or hanging or to woulda coulda shoulda, so forth and so on.

Miss Moni

August 12th, 2013
10:14 am

-Celisea I agree, it is definitely a matter of CHOICE. Some people choose to hang on with a death grip while others choose to let it go and simply move on with their life.

Exiled

August 12th, 2013
10:15 am

Celisea..how bout those who have been wronged in the past and now find it harder to trust..or takes them longer to trust….it creates angst for the new person..who has nothing to do with what hapened to u in the past…and they have to endure the long wait before u come round to trusting or luving them..

some even dont wait for that…..they jes move on quick…..because they figure,she still hurting….

Exiled

August 12th, 2013
10:18 am

Uall watch Usher baby momma faking the cry on the witness stand…..did not see the tears…

:mrgreen:

Celisea

August 12th, 2013
10:18 am

MM – Yep. I know me. I can drop you and not think about you again. When I’m ready, I do it. Poof, gone, dead, who??? LOLOL If I double back and reach out, TRRRRRUST me, I’ve go reason…lol Like I’ve mentioned a couple of times on here, when I wanted to know something or wasn’t sure about something, I pull out my jar of honey (as in accomplishing more with honey than vinegar), but again, that’s if I want to know or not sure about something. If I’m done though…as in done, I usually erase any traces of the person. And if I do have after thoughts or think on a person, then I know I’m not quite over it…but I don’t carry that one. I deal with it and move on.

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
10:21 am

2C ~ I disagree. What you’re describing in terms of “quirks, idiosyncracies, oddities” is a part of a person genetic makeup. Baggage is what results from relationships…good or bad. Depending on how your relationship ended, you may not take it to the next one, but you do think about it. It may even alter how you do things the next time around.

SlimNu

August 12th, 2013
10:23 am

Okay, ya’ll know how clumsy I’ve been recently (tea accidents)…well my old azz was trying to do hand stands in the living room last night and ended up cutting my knee. LOL!! I feel like I need to put up one of those signs for day’s since last incident. :oops:

Celisea

August 12th, 2013
10:29 am

MMeello – I’m sure everyone has been there, but again, if you expect the next relationship to thrive then you have to do the needful, drop it. Chaulk it up to them being a scumbag.

One thing I had to learn or overcome or achieve…

I used to be that person that was NEVER gonna have a dude that cheated on me or was a bum, because I always felt I was too smart to get duped. Silly, I know…lolol Well, I had an ephipany one day….just up and had it…lol I cannot control anybody’s behavior…but mine! I had to learn it wasn’t my job to police or keep watch or make sure a dude did the right thing when he was out and about. And it wasn’t because I’d been, but I wanted to keep that rep of being that chick that didn’t tolerate. Well, you know what, folks are shady, seedy, dirty and lowdown, but that’s nothing with me or nothing to do with me. And know this, I’ve not been with much patience for foolishness. What I got better at though, as a result, was erasing folks that aren’t on the up and up, less than favorable behavior, play games etc etc etc. Why should I have that kind of experience etched into my physche when I can drop a dude like that off at the curb and never look back? I didn’t try and understand what makes a dude (or chick) dirty or if we can work things out when it’s not he’s got a character deficiency…lol. I took it for what it was and got it out of my life. Been living like that every since :)

So, I got better at what I was already good at…getting rid of toxicity, which I believe is what causes folks to have or carry baggage. Drop it, poof, gone, removed…and like I said do it and don’t look back.

Celisea

August 12th, 2013
10:32 am

And as I love to say…..”ain’t nobody got time fa dat!!”

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
10:33 am

Slim – I do agree, alot won’t let things go. I am dealing with that about something right now. I have dealt with something and let it go, but another person won’t let it go & keeps bringing it up.

Sometimes, OTHER folks won’t let you live something down and move on, even if you have!

Miss Moni

August 12th, 2013
10:33 am

-Slim Now I’m not even gonna ask WHY you were attempting to do hand stands, although I am interested to know, LOL!!! I hope you have a first aid kit at home!!! :-)

2CPTG©

August 12th, 2013
10:34 am

Baggage is what results from relationships…good or bad. Depending on how your relationship ended, you may not take it to the next one, but you do think about it.

Not all relationships have to have baggage attached to it……based on this theory, this means one has some type of attachment to EVERY person they’ve ever dated, and I don’t believe that for a second….

Celisea

August 12th, 2013
10:36 am

Sometimes, OTHER folks won’t let you live something down and move on, even if you have!

I sort of equate this to “some women won’t let a man be a man.” I get the intent here, but what you do or feel or think has nothing to do with me. I’m moving on and leaving you standing at the bus stop…lol You can get on the bus, walk home or stay there. Me? I’m gone….done!

Alright folks, gotta run

SlimNu

August 12th, 2013
10:42 am

Moni – lol…I’m not sure if you’ve ever been around a cat or ever owned one. But at least once a day they’ll get a wild hair and just start running all around the house, I guess to burn some energy off. I think that’s what happened with me. Just being silly as heyal. :lol:

Sometimes, OTHER folks won’t let you live something down and move on, even if you have!

kimmie – AAAAAMEN to that!!

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
10:43 am

Why the heck were you doing handstands?

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
10:44 am

this means one has some type of attachment to EVERY person they’ve ever dated, and I don’t believe that for a second….

Of course you don’t believe that. Your moniker speaks for itself.

SlimNu

August 12th, 2013
10:48 am

Leggs – Because i’m crazy lol

Exiled

August 12th, 2013
10:50 am

attachment to EVERY person they’ve ever dated,

unless uall have babies together,I dont believe it either…

..we smash,move on,no babies..not looking back..

but women have a different playbook maybe….

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
10:57 am

Ex ~ I took dated to mean in a relationship even if it’s a short one. I didn’t look at as a first and only date or even a few dates. So, in that vein, I’ll amend my thought and say Ok, not an attachment to every one.

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:00 am

Exiled – I don’t believe one has an attachment to EVERY person they have dated, and I’m a woman. To me, that’s ego talking.

Every dude just did not have THAT type of affect on me!!

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:02 am

Leggs – I get what you are saying too, and I was not talking about just a few dates but relationships.

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:25 am

Where is everyone?

Bluzgirl

August 12th, 2013
11:25 am

Morning everyone!

I know I have some baggage from my last relationship. I do feel like the baggage is being unloaded a little bit every day, though. I know that I’m not ready for another relationship, even a year and a half later, because I need to really let go of some things. It’s not fair of me to put things on another just because one person did certain things to me. I do feel like I’m getting there, but it’s just taking time.

The Ex and the previous boyfriend both had major baggage. I should have run in the beginning, but I wanted that love so bad that I was willing to deal with it. Little did I know that their baggage prevented them from truly loving me. Unfortunately, the ex before the last could never let go of his baggage and allow himself to be happy in a relationship after what one woman did to him. He died alone. I had hoped that I would be the one to get him to break down his wall, but I couldn’t.

Durty Burd

August 12th, 2013
11:32 am

Good Morning!

What it do? What it do? I ain’t got time for dat! Miss me with that! Do you and I will do me.. I am not sure if that one sounds right… lol

Baggage pick-up on isle 5…No one is perfect will all have been affected by past relationships and whatever the results of that baggage is still with us. Some handle it better than others when they enter in a new relationship. Some have been delivered thru their own self determination not to let baggage hinder them in a future relationship. Some have been delivered by GOD who will removed negative baggage from your life so you can start anew. With all that being said, if you are willing to try to change something in your life that maybe negative from your past, I am willing to work with you to help you overcome that negativety.

It’s football TIME…B52, B52… Ladies I am off the market until the football season is over with…heheehehe!
Now if you want to engage is physical activity hit me up 404- Durty-LU…J/K not really, know I am j/k, well maybe not… Well if its Celisea than I am not kidding..

Durty Burd

August 12th, 2013
11:34 am

BluzGirl you have been crown Captain save a loser…. Don’t do it again! lol

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:41 am

Durty – Love your Baggage pick-up paragraph!

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
11:41 am

kimmie ~ how can one be in a relationship and not have some type of attachment? That’s the part I don’t get.

“Ladies I am off the market until the football season is over with” – reminds me of this guy who asked me out to lunch. Lunch was good, convo was good. During lunch he said he wanted to date but could not do so for the next 3 months. He had his daughter and he takes himself off the market during that time. He asked if he could call me once she left to go back to school. I told him I didn’t think that would be such a good idea since I was looking for something more than a seasonal relationship.

2CPTG©

August 12th, 2013
11:44 am

He asked if he could call me once she left to go back to school. I told him I didn’t think that would be such a good idea since I was looking for something more than a seasonal relationship.

stop bein selfish!

Mrs. SexyCool

August 12th, 2013
11:47 am

Yeah…my comment disappeared. (I didn’t even get an “awaiting modification” notice.) What’s up with that?

Leggs

August 12th, 2013
11:49 am

Thanks, 2C. I needed that laugh!

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:49 am

how can one be in a relationship and not have some type of attachment? That’s the part I don’t get.

Leggs – Maybe I misunderstood. I thought we were talking after the relationship is over. That’s what I thought Exiled was saying when he said unless you’ve got kids with someone, it’s possible not to have any kind of lasting attachment. I was saying while some of my past relationships were significant, many were just for a season. Every dude I dealt with just didn’t have that strong of an affect on me that I still felt some type of attachment years down the line.

Durty Burd

August 12th, 2013
11:49 am

Thanks Mrs. Kimmie…Now tell that person who keeps bringing up the past to you …Float on, Float on! lol

Yea Leggs quit being selfish… I have a plan date me for the 3 months dude is taking care of his daughter then date him for 9 months… Now you don;t have to worry about a season plannnn…hehehehehe!

2CPTG©

August 12th, 2013
11:55 am

Every dude I dealt with just didn’t have that strong of an affect on me

read: wasn’t hittin on sh!t……

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:56 am

Now Leggs, after reading your 11:41, I guess I should clarify. There is a big difference in someone being in your life for a season versus them being seasonal!!LOL!!

Dang, it’s a trip what some folks have the nerve to put out there! “Yeah, um, wait till my daughter leaves every summer!” SMH!!

kimmie

August 12th, 2013
11:57 am

2C = Yeah, I guess that’s a way to put it!LOL!! Or, decent enough person, just wasn’t that memorable!!