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Dating: Crushing expectations

Tell me if this has ever happened  to you:   You meet someone and develop an intense crush on  them.  You imagine what it would be like to get to know them and touch them.  You wonder for months what it will be like when you two are finally alone.  The dating gods smile down on you and your crush becomes a real life relationship.   Then it all comes undone.  The fantasy, that is.

I know a lot of women who have this happen all the time because we can be very premature with our emotions. We set up ridiculously unrealistic expectations and are disappointed when the actual man does not live up to the fantasy man.  It is a bad habit to break, certainly, but break it you must!  The poor guy can’t be blamed for being a mere mortal.

Have this ever happened to you?  Do men get these crushes too and are let down when the women don’t measure up to their fantasy?  I have not heard a guy cop to this but I suspect it happens to them too.

Have you ever dated someone who you crushed on a long time beforehand?  What did you do when they turned out to be rather boring compared to what you expected?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

219 comments Add your comment

Lee

July 15th, 2013
7:10 am

When i was in high school many moons ago, I like this really cute boy –i had a major crush– then one day walking behind him on the way to class– i saw HAIR coming out of shirt in back.. yuk .. he went from being all that to nasty. He needed to brush his back while he comb his hair just nasty..

In my experience its better to keep fantasy in fantasy land…in the real world no one is perfect.
hagd

MissMoni

July 15th, 2013
7:44 am

GOOD Monday Morning MIA!!! *Had a BLAST in NYC but so SLEEPY this morning!*

Crushing expectations huh. . . Well, currently my crushes are on celebrities. Haven’t had an actual crush on someone in quite a while. For me the feeling of disappointment sets in anytime when you expect something and it turns to NOT be what you expect.

Hazel

July 15th, 2013
8:40 am

Hello.
@Lee- lol. cute story.
I had a crush on this Boris Kodjoe look-a-like. He approached me at work and I was extremely flattered. When I got to know a bit of him, his personality didn’t match his looks and I stopped taking his calls.

DreamsMaterialize

July 15th, 2013
8:54 am

Morning
If you’re comparing a real person to a fantasy, then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment every time. Real people have real problems, real imperfections. Getting to know a person reveals this. You find out that this “picturesque” person has a scar on their calf, maybe they have remnants of being burned as a child, evidence of stitches from when they fell off their bike, maybe they’re epileptic, they snore, have nightmares, sweat a lot, feet stink, their sh!t stinks (I know surprise right). They may go great lengths to conceal these things, so you don’t find out until you know them well. We’re real people, not fantasies.

2CPTG©

July 15th, 2013
9:10 am

g’morning….

ummm, no, men don’t have “crushes”……we see a female that we think we wanna get intimate with, and an imagination of “what that be like,” but other than that, I’m fairly certain Men don’t do crushes….

MsAtl

July 15th, 2013
9:20 am

Morning All!

I have not dated someone that I crushed on beforehand, but I see how the actual real live person can be a let down after you have built up the person you wanted them to be.
Dreams- Good post.

disco

July 15th, 2013
9:22 am

good morning y’all. I had my little crush last year. that lasted about a good 9 months. I was a bit disappointed when he admitted to seeing someone but I was even more disappointed when he went away for good. I looked forward to seeing him at least.

I have a friend who went through the whole charade of pretending to have a friend who liked a guy. naturally she was the one who liked him. to speed the story up. they ended up getting married. (ultimately got divorced but that’s neither here nor there).

Button

July 15th, 2013
9:24 am

Good morning! I haven’t had a crush since middle school, his name was Jamie… he was a 6th grade fine. lol but that was many many moons ago and now that I’m way older, I can’t say that I can remember having a crush on a guy since then. My fantasy man is have asnd will always be Prince, I want him to make me a pink cashmere.

GlammourGirl

July 15th, 2013
9:26 am

I had a crush on this guy many moons ago. I didn’t have this whole fantasy created of what it would be like to date him, but once I did meet him and get to know him I was disappointed that he wasn’t this stand-up dude that he seemed to be from afar.

disco

July 15th, 2013
9:30 am

crushes were the bomb. have you looking forward to going to school or work or church or the gym or wherever it is that you might run into the crush at. the crush was motivation. having you do that little something extra just in case y’all crossed paths. I am all for the crush. lol.

Button

July 15th, 2013
9:33 am

IMO, I think crushes are cute but it should remain a crush and nothing further. You’re all smitten by a certian somebody that makes butterfly in your stomach. The daydreams of that person…the fanasies. Then reality kicks in and you realize that person has imprefections and not as googly goo as you thought they were and the crush goes away.

disco

July 15th, 2013
9:37 am

button – I think just the opposite. I see nothing wrong with the excitement, the jitters, the butterflies that come with crushing. it’s really no different than the excitement, jitters, butterflies that you get when you are attracted to someone in general. crushing by itself is good. now if a person allows themselves to get caught up in daydreams and fantasies they are dealing with a whole nother issue. lol.

kimmie

July 15th, 2013
9:40 am

Morning All!!

Of course dudes have crushes, they just don’t call them that, especially a grown man! It actually sounds kinda immature for grown women beyond high school age, but it’s just a word, we all know what it means.

Dreams, I like your post.

Sure, I’ve “crushed” on dudes before, and yes a few times I’ve been a little let down, but not because I built up some elaborate fantasy in my head that only a “fantasy” dude could live up to!! For example, there was this guy I used to see at my first job I had out of college. He was movie-star fine and looked good in his business suits every day! After a few months seeing him in passing, lo and behold he got assigned to work in my area. I get introduced and the minute dude opened his mouth I was turned OFF. His voice was so high and girly, I almost thought he was putting on, joking! He immediately went from handsome to “pretty” to me, and that killed any attraction I might have had. We actually ended up becoming good friends and really with us working that closely together a romantic relationship might not have been a good thing anyway.

So when I talk of a fantasy being squashed, usually it’s after I get to know a guy and find out something I don’t think I can deal with, like with any situation. Dude might have great qualities “on paper” but have things going on that when I find out, are dealbreakers. Like anyone.

Single & Happy

July 15th, 2013
9:43 am

Hello all,

Dreams said it all :-) This is why I like to get to know people before putting any unrealistic expectations on them.

kimmie

July 15th, 2013
9:44 am

now if a person allows themselves to get caught up in daydreams and fantasies they are dealing with a whole nother issue. lol.

Hey Disco!!

I agree. No harm in a little crushing, but when one gets caught up and starts thinking that ish is real, well that’s just creepy!!

czBrat ♀

July 15th, 2013
9:48 am

You meet someone and develop an intense crush on them. You imagine what it would be like to get to know them and touch them. You wonder for months what it will be like when you two are finally alone.
lmao already. can’t even finish reading the topic. i’m so NOT a softy. :lol:

HiYas!

Button

July 15th, 2013
9:49 am

disco – maybe you misread me….crushes are cute.

disco

July 15th, 2013
9:53 am

hey kimmie!!!!

button – I got it. you said cute but nothing further. imo, crushes are nothing but a form of attraction. that’s pretty much how all relationships get started.

who used to sing “crush on you”? the jetts? where’s leggs? she’s the name that tunes star. lol.

kimmie

July 15th, 2013
9:55 am

Disco – I know Biggie & Lil Kim did a “crush on you” song. I kinda liked it.

disco

July 15th, 2013
9:56 am

kimmie – I forgot about that song. “true”. lol.

Single & Happy

July 15th, 2013
9:57 am

Disco, yes it was, and also biggie and lil kim

czBrat ♀

July 15th, 2013
9:59 am

i think the closest i can relate to “crushing” is practicing my signature with a boyfriend’s last name. but that’s a boyfriend, mind you. i don’t know about eyeballing strangers and willing them into my nest. lol.

sounds like you crushers are just tickled with anticipation tho. that’s the sweetness!

kimmie

July 15th, 2013
10:00 am

“True” yeah, that’s it Disco!!! Yeah, I used to rock that!!

I know you seen me on my video – true

Hey girl, not tryin to put the rush on you
I had to let you know, that I gotta crush on you!

Leggs

July 15th, 2013
10:05 am

Good morning. I haven’t had a crush on anyone in a very long time. I think since h.s. (lol)

MissMoni ~ glad you had fun in NYC! It’s a great city, love the noise, the honking of horns, all the pizza shops, etc. The sounds of NYC. Did you get a dirty dog?

MissMoni

July 15th, 2013
10:10 am

“We’re real people, not fantasies.”

-Dreams LOVE this statement!!!

-Leggs LOL, because I saw ALL that you mentioned, to include kids dancing on the subway for money! I also saw the aftermath of a Color Run, where while running a 5K people throw powdered color on the runners and they get to throw it back (very interesting). I actually met some FRIENDLY New Yorkers, which made me smile. Didn’t get a dirty dog, but I did eat at Carmine’s, go to Jay Z’s 40/40 Club/Lounge along with some other stops. I’ll definitely go back!!! ;-D

disco

July 15th, 2013
10:10 am

brat – I think the boyfriend’s last name doesn’t qualify. now had it been some random cute guy who didn’t even know you existed, well, that would be different. lol. of course, that’s just my definition of crush. it’s gotta be from a distance. even if you know the person up close and personal in order for a crush to be a crush you have to be hiding it. hence the term “secret crush”.

czBrat ♀

July 15th, 2013
10:16 am

*brat lip quivers cuz she’s been disqualified as a crusher* :cry:

MsAtl

July 15th, 2013
10:18 am

MissMoni- I am glad you met friendly NYers because some folks say we don’t exist. NY is a great place to be from and I love going back to visit.

MissMoni

July 15th, 2013
10:20 am

-MsAtl Yeah, that was a real nice treat to actually see that. :-)

Bluzgirl

July 15th, 2013
10:25 am

Morning all!

I had a crush on a family friend starting when I was 6 years old. When I was about 21, we started hanging out a lot and slept together a few times. Our parents thought we would get married eventually. After hanging out a bit, I realized that the fantasy was much better than the reality. He did too. He lived in a house with a few roommates, including this one girl. We all hung out many times and he and this girl ended up together. They have been happily married for a while and have two beautiful kids. I was very happy for him to have found true love!

Another time I had a disappointing crush…when I was about 27-28, I was crushing hard core on this younger guy. He was a musician, of course, and so fine! One night, I was on a mission. I dressed up in a cute black dress and did my makeup and hair and was planning on going home with him. I accomplished my goal. We had a fun night, but he was a little disappointing in bed. In the morning, I told him not to worry that I wouldn’t catch feelings for him because we were friends first. Actually, after that night, the crush faded and I just looked at him as a friend. We have remained friends and never had a repeat of that night. It was nice to conquer my crush, though.

disco

July 15th, 2013
10:30 am

brat – lol.

bluz – yep. a bad romp will make dreams and illusions fade pretty darned quick. lol.

Button

July 15th, 2013
10:32 am

I’ve been hearing the term man crush a lot. The bromance. Anybody else? if so, what’s your take? I myself think it’s a bit much to be with a guy that confesses to having a man crush or a bromance.

MissMoni

July 15th, 2013
10:34 am

-Button I actually have a girl crush on LaLa Velasquez Anthony, go figure, LOL!!!

Button

July 15th, 2013
10:36 am

MissMoni – do tell..lol

Bluzgirl

July 15th, 2013
10:38 am

Button – I don’t know…I’ve heard many women, including myself, admit to girl crushes. Usually, when a man confesses to having a man crush, it’s not a serious thing…

Button

July 15th, 2013
10:39 am

Aww the endless cycle of crushes, the teacher, the preacher, the bff mom/dad, the mailman, the boy/girl next door…the endless list of crushes.

Button

July 15th, 2013
10:41 am

Bluzgirl – I just can’t get with it. A man openly admitting to having a man crush…unless he’s gay, I just can’t see it.

MissMoni

July 15th, 2013
10:43 am

-Button LOL, nothing really to tell. I just really admire her, she’s a go-getter!!! ;-)

disco

July 15th, 2013
10:44 am

button – I’ve heard the term. imo, the whole bromance/man crush thing isn’t so much about crushing on them romantically as in thinking you and him would be cool and could kick it, play ball, golf, do whatever guys do.

disco

July 15th, 2013
10:51 am

re the endless list of crushes. I’ve never had a crush on the boy next door or any teacher. never crushed on a co-worker. definitely never crushed on a preacher. lol. I don’t have any blog crushes. lol. none of my friends had sexy big brothers so that one’s out too.

I did crush on the star football player (at another school). I crushed on a construction worker once. we knew each other growing up but it seems like he got finer after he started driving cement trucks and stuff. lol.

czBrat ♀

July 15th, 2013
10:52 am

Bluzgirl

July 15th, 2013
10:52 am

I had the biggest crush on a teacher when I was in 8th grade. My teacher knew it and if she needed something from his class, she would send me. I would blush big time! Oh, the good old days!

disco

July 15th, 2013
10:54 am

a few years back I was crushing on a Dominican barber. lol. I used to call my friend up and be like “girl when you taking your son to the barbershop”?

daddy swiss

July 15th, 2013
10:57 am

Bluz — So… your teacher was trying to set the other teacher up to get arrested, I presume? lol

Leggs

July 15th, 2013
11:00 am

MsAtl ~ no doubt there are some mean mugging NYers, but there are some really nice folk. I should know because I come from there (lol). Anyway, some of the meanest ones seem to ride the trains, F train, #2 train and #4 (cracking up). I have seen so many fights on #4 train.

I do remember crushing on my Spanish teacher in h.s. A grown up crush, naw. I have to find out if the feeling is mutal. I’m not sitting on the sidewalk looking at you with lust in my heart. We gonna talk….

Bluzgirl

July 15th, 2013
11:02 am

LOL swiss – Maybe, but he never did anything unfortunately! :-)

kimmie

July 15th, 2013
11:02 am

disco -Yeah, I understand the concept of man/girl crushes. They are not romantic, just someone you admire & think it might be cool to hang out with.

Moni – I like LaLa too. She seems cool, like she’d be a good friend. Not a ish starter.

MsAtl

July 15th, 2013
11:04 am

Leggs- Lol @ them riding the trains; I agree with you on the F train. I think the clowns stuck to the G train.

Bluzgirl

July 15th, 2013
11:16 am

The one time I visited NY for the day, I remember people looking at me funny when I thanked them for doing their job. When I got my subway ticket, I said thank you to the attendant and she gave me a dirty look! LOL

Leggs

July 15th, 2013
11:16 am

czB ~ your hair is gorgeous. That pic reminds me of Jody Whatley.

MsAtl ~ rare for me to ride G train (and I’m thankful).