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Is offering to pay a big deal?

My old trainer, Travis, has been dating a young lady for over 6 weeks now.  He has paid for everything on their dates so far and he is noticing that she has yet to offer to pay.  He told me that it is bothering him that she doesn’t even reach for the bill.

Just the other day, some random guy on Twitter tweeted something about how women should not expect men to spend money just to spend time with them.  So, this has me wondering if it really means that much for a woman to offer to pay?

If a guy is pursuing a woman, he will put time, money, and effort in.  At what point does this become so problematic that men feel taken for granted?  I ask because, a lot of women have no problem whatsoever being courted without reciprocity.  They don’t feel compelled to show appreciation, offer to pay, or even think the man deserves praise because it is what a man is “supposed” to do.  These are the women that men chase after a lot, partly due in part to what we discussed yesterday, a woman’s looks and appearance has value.  Why do men get upset when they pick the woman they want to pursue?

Gentleman, help us out, here. How do we figure out if the guy we are dating wants us to offer to pay?  Is it insulting or impolite to offer to pay?  Do we have to be concerned with emasculating a man when we do this?   Is it best to start to pay or offer to pay after real interests are established?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

298 comments Add your comment

Exiled

July 11th, 2013
7:17 am

I would pay but if I recognize that there is absolutely no desire to pay on her part,I quickly get into ‘quick payback’ mode!

That means few dates and a quick turnaround. At this point I think the woman is just good for physical benefits.

If the woman is showing reciprocity,I detect some substance in her so I am inclined to want to hand around her more.

A woman’s ‘me me me me’ attitude must also prompt the man to default to his own ‘me me me me ‘game! :lol:

For me,that means a quick smash!

Good Morning MIA!!

Exiled

July 11th, 2013
7:19 am

Hang around more

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
7:50 am

GOOD Thursday Morning MIA!!! *Today is MY Friday, heading to NY this evening!!!* :-D

I’m interested to hear what the guys have to say. The only times that I’ve offered to pay were AFTER we were in an established, committed relationship. Once again, make your intentions known upfront. I’m a bit old school when it comes to dating, so I’m still into the guy doing the courting and the woman being the prize, (the whole let the man take the lead deal).

Once an actual relationship has been established then that’s where I’m cool being 50/50 or “trading places”.

Gotta go, meeting at 8!

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
7:52 am

Hello all

If I’m asking her out on dates then yes I’ll pay, but if I’m taking her out because she “suggested” it, then I have no problem asking if she’s going to pay. Both are still my choice. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not going to put in a lot of time money and effort “pursuing” someone. we both know after a few dates where we want to go with this. No point in dragging it out. Sounds like Travis has reached that point. As the saying goes “A close mouth won’t get fed!”.

LeeH1

July 11th, 2013
8:32 am

Women are such sexists, they don’t even see that they are projecting their prejudices on men. Of course, in this age of equality of the sexes, men should not have to pay for everything. But women just expect it and don’t think about, just as white men didn’t think about not holding doors open for black women thirty years ago.

To be honest, I’m not interested in a woman that is that backward. If she can’t or wo’t pay her own way sometimes, then she will continue to be a leech and a clinger, wanting only a man to be her provider. Sorry, there are better women than that out there.

I’ll find them, you betcha!

Button

July 11th, 2013
8:33 am

Good morning, it’s only been 6 weeks and he’s already whinning! lol
man up and date the woman properly and remember you have to pay to play!
Travis must be a young guy. My S/O is younger, by a decade, it must be a generational thing. My S/O used to think the same way, that a woman is supposed to step in and pay for dates early in the dating process. I agree we should pay but not so early though, let me see where it’s going before I start investing my money paying for dates. After a few dates I can and have paid the tip.

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
8:41 am

let me see where it’s going before I start investing my money paying for dates. oh the double standards (LOL)

Button

July 11th, 2013
8:46 am

Single -I’m at a point in my life where I’m not going to put in a lot of time money and effort “pursuing” someone.—waooow. so why even get out of bed! j/k
Seriously, do you even date?

Button

July 11th, 2013
8:47 am

Single – Why is it a double standard?

DreamsMaterialize

July 11th, 2013
8:55 am

Morning
This is a no win argument for dudes. It’s just one of life’s double standards…one that happens to work in the favor of women. There are plenty that work in our favor, so it is what it is. With that said, I do like super smart, assertive, confident women. Most of the women I’ve dated had no problem paying. Some even insisted. It didn’t make them any less of a woman.

Hazel

July 11th, 2013
8:58 am

Good morning. I will def pay after the 2nd or 3rd date. I don’t mind. It’s only fair. I like what exiled said. It is a good thing to pay and impressive from a guy’s perspective.

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:02 am

Button yes I do date, but I have other things going on in my life that dating is not a priority. I can be spending my money on my hobbies, things that I know I like, rather than pursing someone that I may or may not like. It doesn’t take that long to figure out if they are someone you want to spend your time with or not.

It’s a double standard because it’s okay for me to invest my money and not know, but it’s not okay for you to do it. Back in the day, “courting” didn’t cost a lot of money, you went to the woman’s house, met the parents, maybe went to a few church functions, where the woman packed a picnic lunch, (not no sammichs) LOL. So for all that want to be “courted” do it all the way, not half way! But times have changes so EVERYBODY needs to be willing to change with them. If I’ve got to “pay to play” then we better be smashing after every date. cause I have yet to meet the person that conversation and presence is worth paying for!

SlimNu

July 11th, 2013
9:12 am

I feel like we just discussed this but anyway….I do not have a problem paying sometimes. Or if the guy still wants to pay and I have cash on me, i’ll offer to put in the tip. I do not expect a guy to pull out his wallet every single time we do something. I would not want a person I was dating to expect that from me, so it’s only fair. If we go out to dinner and he pays, then what’s wrong for springing for the movie tickets afterwards?

Button

July 11th, 2013
9:13 am

Single – ok, and I agree dating shouldn’t broke the bank. It all depends on the guy and what he considers a date and how much he is willing to pay. I agree that men have the brunt of the responsibility on the financial part of the dating process, is it fair? heck if I know, I didn’t come up with the rules, but I do know that it takes some kind of effort on the man part to get it going. I ony know what worked for me and I stick by my beliefs.

Into the Light

July 11th, 2013
9:15 am

Morning, all.

Here we go again….this topic always creates a stir in Blogsville. I really don’t see what the big deal is, though. I expect to be treated as an equal, so I’m willing to put in equal work and effort. It’s nice to be courted, but he’s not taking me in to raise, which is why I have no problem offering to pay early on.

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
9:19 am

G’morning…..

I pretty much concur with what most of the dudes have already stated….Dreams, you’re correct, we can’t win this one….and Ex…you got it too! Once you see where her head is, then you gotta govern yourself accordingly….i.e., kill mode…..

or, you can also be like disco’s new toy……..pay and never play!!!!

disco

July 11th, 2013
9:22 am

good morning. re the topic. lol followed lol some more.

disco

July 11th, 2013
9:24 am

single – that’s the thing about double standards. sometimes they are for you and sometimes they are against you. lol.

dreams – you beat me to the point on double standards.

disco

July 11th, 2013
9:26 am

hazel – re impressive from a guy’s perspective. be careful with that. the problem being that there are plenty of guys out there who are looking for just that. the woman who can pay and doesn’t mind paying. he’ll have you paying for dinner, his cell phone bill and helping him catch up his back child support.

Into the Light

July 11th, 2013
9:29 am

there are plenty of guys out there who are looking for just that. the woman who can pay and doesn’t mind paying. he’ll have you paying for dinner, his cell phone bill and helping him catch up his back child support.

Correction: those guys are looking for a sponsor or a woman with no backbone. Offering to throw in the tip or spring for the round of putt putt since he bought dinner doesn’t make her either.

Button

July 11th, 2013
9:31 am

Even Prince said he was making a coat of pink cashmere……

disco

July 11th, 2013
9:31 am

2C – speaking of my “toys” I thought I had a new one to put in the rotation. that fool said he’d like to see my house. this wasn’t even 3 phone calls in. after that convo I deleted his number. there’s no recourse for that. thinking you can post up at my house is a dealbreaker. lol.

Bluzgirl

July 11th, 2013
9:32 am

Morning MIA. I’m dragging this morning and the dark skies are not helping!!!

It does seem like this topic comes up a lot. I’m with you ITL. I have no problem pitching in. My brother was dating this girl who made 3 times as much money as he did and she expected him to pay for every single meal. They went out several times a week as she liked to go out. When he would say something about going to the store to buy food to cook, she would call him cheap and bring up that he didn’t make enough money. They dated for several months. I told him that was also his fault for not putting his foot down when things got serious. I thought it was extremely selfish of her to expect him to pay for everything when she knew he was trying to save his money to pay off items to get ready to move and she was well off.

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:33 am

Disco those are today’s double standards, most women want to live in the past a be courted like the olden days, without realizing, guys weren’t spending a lot of money courting women. They were siting on the sofa, on the porch, doing the picnic lunch’s that the woman cooked, going the THEIR house for dinner. Now courting a woman means spending money, time, effort just to figure out if you really like her. Some chose to live by those double standards, while some don’t.

Double standards only work if you live by them.

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
9:37 am

so disco, is it cool for a dude to do what you do?

Into the Light

July 11th, 2013
9:37 am

@Bluz: He must have really liked her to put up with that mess.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with setting the bar high and expecting a lot from a man, but money doesn’t buy affection. It also doesn’t buy or indicate class, which is where some folks err in judgment. IJS….

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
9:38 am

Morning All!!

Here we go again with this. :roll: I understand it might be hard to come up with topics though.

Dreams & Disco, thanks for recognizing double standards can benefit either way! Some folks are greedy and want them to ALWAYS work in THEIR favor!LOL!!

I have good home-training. After a few dates, I always offered to pay for something. I just have never done “dutch” on a date. Either I pay all for something or nothing. If it’s dutch, it’s not a date. Dutch is not elegant. What I mean by paying for all of something is, I don’t like paying for “some” of a bill, not even a tip. I will take the entire dinner tab or both of the movie tickets and snacks. No “well here is a little something on the bill” at the table. Just not classy to me.

I’ve never seem to run into an issue with any of this from my dates. I say both should always be prepared though. I was raised to be ready to pay just in case a dude decided to trip on a date. Never go out with an empty wallet. At least be able to cover my portion. Same with a guy – even though she may offer, have it in your head (and your wallet) you may have to pay for it all. Neither gender should date if they can’t afford it alone, in my book. I never used a dude to “come up”.

MsAtl

July 11th, 2013
9:38 am

Morning All!

Slim- we did just discuss this topic.

I do not mind paying for a date, but that is after we have gone out a few times. If you ask me out, do not get there and say you thought I was going to pay. I was asked out to a movie and he already had his ticket and was waiting for me to buy mine. We will not be going again.

Button

July 11th, 2013
9:38 am

Single – guys weren’t spending a lot of money courting women. They were siting on the sofa, on the porch, doing the picnic lunch’s that the woman cooked, going the THEIR house for dinner.—says who?? you’ve been watching a bit too much andy griffth in mayberry……. Men have been wooing women with money for ages. Stop being a cheap stake.

Leggs

July 11th, 2013
9:41 am

Offering to pay should be a big deal. It’s all about reciprocity, even after 6 weeks. But, if it’s bothering he should address it and see what her viewpoint is on paying while out on date. Some women feel they shouldn’t ever have to pay, other than offering to leave the tip. He needs to know which type he’s dating. It isn’t rocket sciene.

Good morning.

Bluzgirl

July 11th, 2013
9:42 am

ITL – We’ve talked about him being under her spell…he walked right into a trap with her. She ended up turning psycho on him. If he hadn’t spent so much time and money on her, he would be a lot further ahead. His fault, though, for letting it go so long.

disco

July 11th, 2013
9:44 am

2C – what you mean what I do (like I got something on lock)? lol. I know plenty of guys who have women paying for their meals, lodging, co-signing for cars, out and out paying car notes and all kinds of other stuff. I am not mad at them. I pity the foolish women who indulge them. one chick told me that buying her man things made him happy and his being happy made her happy. who am I to argue against that logic? lol.

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
9:45 am

Bluz – Sure, you might call her selfish, but she was not doing anything your brother did not allow her to do. She did not lead him on all those dates with a gun to his head. No need complaining on his part. She must have been doing something he liked since he went along with it for several months and things got serious.

He liked all of that Bluz……..

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:45 am

Button, all men were not wooing women. only men with means, and it still wasn’t on the level as today. The women didn’t demand the wooing! an I’m called cheap all the time. I have no problem with it. I have to many other things that I enjoy doing with MY money to try and prove to someone who is not worthy of it that I’m not. The people that know me laugh when someone tells them that :-)

Button

July 11th, 2013
9:45 am

Leggs – I agree, it’s not rocket science. Men know who you are dating, not all women feel the same way when it comes to paying for dates. Some women are ok with paying while others aren’t and still others are somewhere in the middle. At the end of the day it all boils down to spending time with someone you enjoy being with.

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
9:47 am

Hey Disco!!

Logic – what logic??? LOL!!!!

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
9:48 am

“Men have been wooing women with money for ages”…..

and it’s those chumps that have driven up the cost of coochie!!!

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:49 am

Gotta go, we’ll have to continue the passionate disagreement later (LOL)

Leggs

July 11th, 2013
9:49 am

Bluz ~ how did the interview, I mean seminar turn out?

DreamsMaterialize

July 11th, 2013
9:49 am

guys weren’t spending a lot of money courting women
Single/Button Let’s also remember that women weren’t allowed to work or earn a living, so she didn’t have the means to pay for anything. If two people wanted to go out, then the man HAD to pay because he was the one earning money.

Button

July 11th, 2013
9:50 am

Single – I was joking with the cheap skate comment.

Into the Light

July 11th, 2013
9:50 am

Hey Bluz – how did your seminar go last night?

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:50 am

and it’s those chumps that have driven up the cost of coochie!!! Well said 2C (LOL)

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
9:51 am

ok, disco, just wanted to know your take on it…..cause naw, sugar, ye’en got that on lock…..you may be good at it, but not locked!

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
9:52 am

Button – I have a friend right now that when she & her hubs were dating NEVER paid for dates. She said it, she never paid for dinners and they went to Cheesecake Factory a few days every week. On top of that, he would pay for her to get her nails & hair done. He worshipped the ground she walked on and they are married now.

He could not have married a more generous person though. She is a hard worker and every time you turn around she is purchasing some elaborate gift for his bday or Christmas.

It works for them.

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:52 am

Dreams but the women were willing to do what they could without the man having to pay all the time! Now alot of women aren’t willing to pay, and have to have a certain status before you better even think about them cooking, (that is if they can)

Button

July 11th, 2013
9:52 am

Dreams – women weren’t allowed to work?? where? in the US women have been working, I must admit that work we’re plentiful but women did work. You’re putting is as if women were trottened down and chained to the tv.

abc

July 11th, 2013
9:53 am

I’d always pay, even if we’re just friends. I make 2 and 3 times what they make, I don’t mind buying their lunch or whatever. And, typically, I’m cheap — if you’re cheaper than me, dude, you are a stingy bastid.

Single & Happy

July 11th, 2013
9:55 am

Yea dreams, Black women have always worked in the good ole USA,

Peace

disco

July 11th, 2013
9:56 am

atl – I always say this but it always reminds of martin Lawrence. you so crazy. I said I was taking you to the movies. I didn’t say I was paying for you to get in the movie. lol. martin’s a nut.

kimmie – right. if they like it, I love it. that chick I just mentioned was in an abusive relationship to boot. dingbat. I don’t even encourage those types to break up. stay with him and keep that joker off the market. lol.