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Is offering to pay a big deal?

My old trainer, Travis, has been dating a young lady for over 6 weeks now.  He has paid for everything on their dates so far and he is noticing that she has yet to offer to pay.  He told me that it is bothering him that she doesn’t even reach for the bill.

Just the other day, some random guy on Twitter tweeted something about how women should not expect men to spend money just to spend time with them.  So, this has me wondering if it really means that much for a woman to offer to pay?

If a guy is pursuing a woman, he will put time, money, and effort in.  At what point does this become so problematic that men feel taken for granted?  I ask because, a lot of women have no problem whatsoever being courted without reciprocity.  They don’t feel compelled to show appreciation, offer to pay, or even think the man deserves praise because it is what a man is “supposed” to do.  These are the women that men chase after a lot, partly due in part to what we discussed yesterday, a woman’s looks and appearance has value.  Why do men get upset when they pick the woman they want to pursue?

Gentleman, help us out, here. How do we figure out if the guy we are dating wants us to offer to pay?  Is it insulting or impolite to offer to pay?  Do we have to be concerned with emasculating a man when we do this?   Is it best to start to pay or offer to pay after real interests are established?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

298 comments Add your comment

Into the Light

July 11th, 2013
10:54 am

@Leggs: I don’t think so either. Too bad, because I love a slurpie. It’s even fun to say! Slurpie, slurpie, slurpie…..

Leggs

July 11th, 2013
10:59 am

2C ~ being suckered in finance or even in love is the main ingredient that hardens a woman.

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:01 am

Leggs – There used to be 7-11’s here, when I was much younger. We used to love it too, because they had the absolute best selection of candy anywhere!!

disco

July 11th, 2013
11:01 am

kimmie / slim – I’m with y’all. gotta hold tight to your money. that little h.s. gift thing just let me know that the so called “good” ones (you know, married parents, suburban lifestyle, blah blah blah) were just as low down and dirty as the hood types. and by the way, I kept my gift. told him we’d swap when we both had something to swap at the same time. thing is that never came to pass. granted I’ll admit I was holding out hope that he actually did forget but hope be damned. he was running game. lol.

DreamsMaterialize

July 11th, 2013
11:06 am

pretty much is not an absolute!
Button Name five things that are absolute.

But for you to say that women didn’t work is highly a misnomer!
Button Actually, your use of the word “misnomer” is a misnomer. lol Women generally did not work. There is no disputing that.

Durty Burd

July 11th, 2013
11:06 am

@Sassy I was getting more then a little bit, I was getting it 3 to 5 times per week..I must say though all the ladies I have dated have been must generous with everything including their money. I just got to quit running into those ladies who cannot cook…I like to eat out but that’s gets old, I need balance in that area.

Also, it did not take 6 weeks of dating for the ladies to invite me out and pay for something.

SlimNu so he was sleeping with both of you? What was your mindset going in with this young man? Did u want a relationship with him?

Bluzgirl

July 11th, 2013
11:07 am

I have to admit that I’ve been a little too free with paying for things for my man and loaning a little money here and there. I had one boyfriend that I loaned $1000 to. He paid me every month, even after we broke up until it was all paid off. He said that he may be short on credit cards, but he always wanted to make sure he took care of his payment to me.

Now, The Ex…I wish I had never taken him into my home and taken care of all the finances. I got suckered, but I also allowed it and willingly offered to take care of things. NEVER AGAIN!!!

SlimNu

July 11th, 2013
11:08 am

disco – I had purchased a gift for that same dude and after it all went down, we decided to meet up in a parking lot and get our gifts back. I didn’t want some bracelet he bought the other chick and he was giving me my sheeit back too. So no love lost.

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:11 am

disco – I think how I was raised had a lot to do with me not getting taken for money. Like any kid I didn’t listen to everything my parents said, but some stuff did sink in. First, my mom was real funny about me accepting any gifts from guys growing up. She said straight up she didn’t want some knucklehead thinking I “owed” him something. So other than little cheapy stuff for my birthday or Christmas, gifts were out. While she made sure I had money in my purse when I went to prom & such, she made it clear if a guy invited me out he was to pay. My daddy was real old school and a man was supposed to WORK and not take anything off a woman. He was a chauvanist but he could back it up.

When I got out on my own, I was po. Even after I started making a little money and got my own house & all, still po. Anyone that dated me could pick up on it as well, and I guess that’s why none ever even TRIED to sucker me. I might reciprocate and pay for a movie here & there or fix him a meal, but pay a bill or drop big money on a big gift – H to the NAW!!!

SlimNu

July 11th, 2013
11:13 am

Durty – Well initially I was feeling some kind of way about him being younger than me so we were hanging out. It progressed blah blah blah…and we were pursuing a relationship but he ended up getting a great job offer in another state. So on one of his trips back to ATL for a visit, he went out clubbing with his friends, apparently met this chick and within a few weeks got her pregnant. So yup, he raw dogged ole girl in a very short time frame. Matter of fact, the same weekend I let him use my place he met her. Him I had dated about a year and a half….met the folks and all that.

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
11:13 am

ladies, I’m hearing a common theme here……y’all been suckered before, but never for money…..

so what’s more valuable, your money or your goodies?

DreamsMaterialize

July 11th, 2013
11:15 am

2C ~ being suckered in finance or even in love is the main ingredient that hardens a woman.
Leggs Yeah, dudes learn this lesson in the kindergarten when you give her your dessert and she goes to sit next to someone else. hahaha

Exiled

July 11th, 2013
11:18 am

@Leggs?

Before u go to being ‘hardened’,why don’t u answer 2C..

Have U been suckered before?

We already know u hard but not as hard as Disco.. :lol:

Well I don’t think u are hard,more of cagey. :lol:

Durty Burd

July 11th, 2013
11:19 am

Strike MissMoni off the list she wants me to pay for everything, add BluzGirl she is willing to pay for everything? J/K

Button

July 11th, 2013
11:20 am

DReams- you said women did not work which is a FALSE statement! women did work, regardless of what kind of work, they did work. So again your assestment is wrong wrong all day wrong!

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:21 am

-Durty LOL, I see you’re cracking jokes this morning.

Durty Burd

July 11th, 2013
11:23 am

SlimuNu do you ever look back and say that was a blessing in disguise? Also, Why don’t you like to date younger men?

Ex- Leggs is as tough as Disco, she is just not in the pimping business like Disco…lol

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:24 am

2C – I’ve just always been real funny about my money, dude or not. When I would here folks talking about getting joint credit cards & cosigning with some dude that was not a boyfriend, I would look at them like they were crazy. I can be generous, but don’t play me.

Before marriage, could be very stingy with other goodies as well.

Guess that’s why it took me so long to get married!! :lol:

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:24 am

I’ve also learned that love does not cover finances. I don’t and won’t be all head over heels and the ONLY one paying the bills, absolutely NOT!!! This could be why I’m single, because I simply refuse to put up with the foolishness. I have my own and I’m not into a grown man coming to me half-stepping. “Ain’t no half stepping, give it all you got!” :-)

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:25 am

not a boyfriend

Oops, meant not a HUSBAND!!

Mrs. SexyCool

July 11th, 2013
11:26 am

Aw..hell…I’ve been suckered for both. I was young and dumb. Then, I was older and not as smart/experienced as I thought I was. Then, I was old enough to know better, but went against my own dern instincts.

But I didn’t let any of it make me bitter. I just counted as a part of my life’s path that I was supposed to walk….to make me better.

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:26 am

“I can be generous, but don’t play me.”

-Kimmie BINGO, miss me with trying to get over on my cookies and/or my money!

disco

July 11th, 2013
11:26 am

kimmie – I can appreciate the “po” but I still see some chicks who don’t hardly have anything giving what little bit they do have to a man. I just don’t get it. smdh. lol.

2C – my money. you can screw all day every day, you might get tired and used up but you won’t never run out. money. that’s different. lol.

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:26 am

This could be why I’m single,

Moni – LOL!! That’s the reason I think I stayed single so long, but so be it!

Exiled

July 11th, 2013
11:28 am

Money or pudy?

@2C?

U asking some hard questions! :lol:

…that’s a Hobson’s choice right there!

DreamsMaterialize

July 11th, 2013
11:28 am

I was young and dumb. Then, I was older and not as smart/experienced as I thought I was. Then, I was old enough to know better, but went against my own dern instincts.
SexyCool That’s real right there.

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
11:28 am

Durty…….that youngin’ got a look at Slim’s camel toe, and went berserk…..apparently you haven’t heard the stories about Slim’s CT…….bwoi, that thang got its own zip code!

SlimNu

July 11th, 2013
11:29 am

so what’s more valuable, your money or your goodies?

2C – My heart and trust

Durty – I don’t really think about it lol He hits me up every now or then or when he comes to ATL to see his son. And I can’t say I have a huge thing with not dating younger men but if women supposedly mature faster than men, I don’t need to date that much younger than me. I am not interested in men who are still running the streets and living the club life like they just turned 21. This guys was a good guy but still like to go out all the time. He really did a lot to change my mind and take him seriously. It was almost like he tried to prove a point to me that he could very well hang with someone older. We did have fun though, so I would never change that thinking back on it. I’m sure if you asked him the same question about thinking back on it, he’d wish he’d done it different, outside of having his son of course. He is a really great dad and fights for his son.

disco

July 11th, 2013
11:32 am

2C – isn’t there a quote about a fool and his money parting. lol

ex – now you have to make me break the question down deeper than face value. lol. in terms of monetary value, the money is only worth what it’s worth. a nickel, dime, quarter, dollar, whatever. in that regard I suppose the cooter is more valuable since it’s worth fluctuates and is negotiable. lol.

SlimNu

July 11th, 2013
11:32 am

apparently you haven’t heard the stories about Slim’s CT…….bwoi, that thang got its own zip code!

2C – ooooohhhhh you oughta quit! lol

Durty Burd

July 11th, 2013
11:33 am

O.K.MissMoni I will buy all the food, pay for the utilities and property up keep…How does that sound? lol

Mrs. Kimmie and Single both are cheap….hmmmmmmm… hehe

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:37 am

-Kimmie You give me inspiration, a woman can have realistic standards and still get married. ;-)

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:38 am

disco – I don’t get it either. I’d sooner blow what little extra money I had on some shoes or something for my neices/nephews before I blew it on some tired dude! Just was not gonna happen here!

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:39 am

-Durty You can have the property up keep. Food and utilities I got that. If you want to really impress me, take the mortgage. :-D

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:42 am

Mrs. Kimmie and Single both are cheap….hmmmmmmm

Durty – As a single woman, I shonuff was, not even gon lie!!

Moni – Trust it works!! :)

Durty Burd

July 11th, 2013
11:42 am

2CP I know about SlimNu CT, sometimes SlimNu CT has come on the blog and provided some vital informaton! j/k

Although, this one sista gave very generously to me mentally, physically and financially she did get a house out of the deal.

Exiled

July 11th, 2013
11:43 am

whats ur story MsMoni?

U 40ish…u gotta a man, looking,cougaring,on the prowl, whaeeett?

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
11:43 am

“I suppose the cooter is more valuable since it’s worth fluctuates and is negotiable.”

Bishop Don Juan could not have said it any better!!! If youh ad nuts I’d let you borrow my crown!

SlimNu

July 11th, 2013
11:43 am

Not to be all Soggy Sally but i’m feeling quite discouraged at this point…that’s some honesty for yo arse.

Durty Burd

July 11th, 2013
11:45 am

Mrs. Kimmie you are corrupting MissMoni we are in the mist of negotiating our relationship…

So MissMoni…How about I throw in paying for you hair to get done and you pay for dinner when we eat out? Oh before we date I need to see that mortgage note… lol

Mrs. SexyCool

July 11th, 2013
11:47 am

Dreams – I try to stay real about it. At one point, especially with the last situation, I was kind of embarrassed about it…but…it is what it is.

Exiled

July 11th, 2013
11:48 am

the cooter is more valuable since it’s worth fluctuates and is negotiable.

@Disco…in ur circles, I think ur cooter has gon off da charts in value because All these guys are eager to be close to u and u put them outta pocket so easily but they still Dont hit!…..and they keep coming and getting outa pocket…

Unless u conveniently hide the details about dudes who actually hit.. :lol:

U have perfected the game.

(u seeing someone Disco..right Now)….

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:49 am

-Ex My story is that I’m 34, a mother of 2 daughters, in a Ph.D program, employed full-time making very good money, homeowner & and active in my church choir and youth ministry. I’ve been single for over 2 years now but I really don’t have time for the foolishness and won’t put up with the shenanigans (been there, done that). Funny thing is, I keep getting approached by the 20 something’s (I look like I’m still in my 20’s) and honestly we’re mindsets apart.

So, in the meantime I’m ENJOYING life and living it to the fullest!!! :-D

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:49 am

Durty – I am representing Moni and I say you better come correct………

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
11:53 am

Moni, gal, you sound like a winner!!! that’s whats up!!!! kimmie you do too, but you’re taken……

MissMoni

July 11th, 2013
11:54 am

Thanks 2C!!! “Get ready for it, I came to WIN!” ;-)

disco

July 11th, 2013
11:57 am

ex – truth is my stuff has value for the cats who been there, done that, and apparently haven’t been able to match it. lol. new cats might hang around for awhile and try to find a way in but they generally move on in due time. it’s those ones who know what they are missing that can’t get right. lol.

ex – as for seeing someone, I’m out here checking for the one that I want (haven’t run into him yet), not the ones that want me. this goes totally against my great grandma’s advice but I always was a little rebellious.

2CPTG©

July 11th, 2013
11:59 am

hell, all y’all blog ladies are fabulous…..some could use a few coaching sessions, but for the most part, y’all ladies are awesome….and as stated yesterday, that’s one of the wonderful things about “knowing” some of these blog folks….when you know they’re genuine (yeah, I’m talkin bout you, Sexy!!!)

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
11:59 am

2C – :) Thanks!

kimmie

July 11th, 2013
12:01 pm

Disco – What’s the latest on the dude you were liking at work? :wink: