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How do we fix gender distrust?

Have you ever thought how miraculous it is that we manage to date and mate at all?  Considering all the deep gender distrust that is so pervasive, I suppose many of us find a way to push beyond that.

Have you ever dated someone who was cheated on by their last partner?  If they haven’t dealt with that betrayal, you can end up stuck with relationship baggage that their ex left behind.  You know what you do when you really love someone?  Help them unpack all that.  It’s exhausting and probably infuriating at times.  I think it is hard to move on to your new relationship without helping your partner heal from their last one.

When you are getting over a bad break up, how do you deal with the distrust you may have?  Is it hard for you to trust your gut or instinct when you were so wrong about the last person?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

329 comments Add your comment

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
7:11 am

GOOD Wednesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

When you are getting over a bad break up, how do you deal with the distrust you may have? I take time to myself to assess, evaluate and just breathe. I need time to get myself together and recognize where I went wrong so that I don’t go into the next relationship doing the same things.

I believe that you should learn lessons from your experiences and allow them to make you better and not bitter. Life is too short to hold on to resentment, anger and frustration. Truth is by doing so you won’t ever have a healthy relationship, you have to learn to let go, learn your lesson and move forward.

Lee

July 3rd, 2013
7:20 am

Everyone has some kind of baggage. Trust is earned not given, that doesn’t mean you go around accusing people it just means you take what they say with a grain of salt–make sure what they say and do match, if it doesn’t move on. I am at a age where i am not going to put up with stupid games, i have no problem of leaving. Life is too short to deal with crazy. If you make me crazy by games I am gone.

Before you go into another relationship first fix yourself.
Happy 4th everyone!

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
7:32 am

“Before you go into another relationship first fix yourself.”

-Lee BINGO!!!

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
7:50 am

Hello All

I’m perfect (LOL) , I don’t have that problem with that, I leave the past in the past, and I’m not going to fighting ghost from someone else’s past. I take time to myself between every relationship no matter how it ended. Don’t try to figure out what I did wrong, because I didn’t do anything wrong, and she didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just part of life. I trust you until you give me a reason not too, then it’s time to move on. Because we’ll never be more than acquaintances.

Hazel

July 3rd, 2013
8:23 am

Good morning everyone. I will trust someone but will also follow my gut instincts. Will keep my eyes open and not be gullible. It takes time to relax 100% and follow someone blindly.

Button

July 3rd, 2013
8:34 am

I trust as far as I can spit…I trust as far as I can see… I don’t have trust in folks with my heart….. I’m not suspicious of everything. I’ve dated guys who was cheated on as well as guys who cheated. If you ask me the one who cheated is more suspicious than the one who was cheated on. go figure. Temptation is all around for him as well as for me. I can only hope that neither one of us does anything that would jepordize what we’ve built.

As far as bad break up, I had one bad break up and I took my time after the tears and the sulking. I had a playlist that got my head straight along with my break up ice cream-rocky roads. It’s like I had developed a ritual of sorts that helped to get me out of the rut I was in. Months later after the dust settled I was back on track and ready to start dating again. I realized that I had to go thru what I went through in order to be free from bringing any of the “ghosts” from that relationship into the next one.

Good morining!

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
8:59 am

Hazel I would hope you would never “follow ANYONE blindly”.

Exiled

July 3rd, 2013
9:02 am

Bad breakup,Gender mistrust,Betrayal etc?!

These Topics seem primed just for Blog Women to bloviate….

:lol:

If you understand that you are getting into a relationship with a Human,not God then understand they have issues. We All do including you,the dater!

So why be All in 150,000% emotionally?

No wonder the ‘heartbreaks,angst etc’

Go in with Eyes and heart wide open for All possibilities!

If it fails it fails,if it succeeds to yr chosen destination,Good!

What’s all with this wussification of ‘Heartbreak?’

What heartbreak?

Some loved one died?

DreamsMaterialize

July 3rd, 2013
9:10 am

Morning
If baggage means that your thoughts and behaviors are influenced by your past experiences, then everyone has baggage. The problem is when you hurt and penalize your current because of that baggage. I won’t be judged and characterized by a standard someone set before me. Characterize me on my own merits.

Also, a person’s distrust is often not limited to gender. Some people just harbor an overall distrust of people…always waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you come into our relationship believing that it’s just a matter of time before I do you wrong or that I’m somehow predisposed to do wrong, then I’ll glad let someone else deal with that headache.

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:10 am

This is not going to be a good hair day for me. I’ll have a fro by 12 but at least today is my Friday :cry: :-D

Morning gang!

Bluzgirl

July 3rd, 2013
9:15 am

Morning everyone. Hope you are well on this rainy morning. I know I wish I could still be under the covers!!!

I’ve been with two different men who were cheated on in the past. It didn’t affect their trust towards me. It affected their ability to love completely. They were broken beyond repair and I tried all I could to “fix” them. They were both so bitter and angry.

I have not been cheated on that I know of, but I do have some trust issues. I don’t really trust until he proves that it’s ok to. The Ex gave me too many reasons to not trust him. I should have never gotten so deeply involved with him. Lesson learned!

Anyway…I’m still healing from that relationship, but taking away several lessons from it.

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
9:15 am

-Slim My natural hair has been holding on thus far, LOL!!! I’m working Friday. . .

2CPTG©

July 3rd, 2013
9:17 am

I’m in total agreeance with Exiled…..

you’re dating because you WANT to….if you’re not over the hurt, or other stuff, then you’re being selfish..it ain’t my job to help you cope! Cause if you come at me, and start with he/she did this, or that, I’m telling you to kick rocks, cause I know you’re still carrying that mess with you…..let’s just hunch and keep it movin’ cause nine times outta ten, that’s all you’re seeking….

Bluzgirl

July 3rd, 2013
9:18 am

Slim – I hear ya…my hair is not going to look pretty by noon either! LOL

2CPTG©

July 3rd, 2013
9:27 am

ladies, y’all hair look fine…..stop it, I say!

disco

July 3rd, 2013
9:28 am

good morning. gender distrust? gotta love the labels. I don’t have gender distrust. I have general distrust. I don’t trust or distrust anyone just on principle. I trust folks to do/be what I expect them to do be. what I expect from them comes from our personal relationship and interaction.

single – lol. that’s what I’m talking about.

Durty Burd

July 3rd, 2013
9:30 am

Good Morning!

Ex what happened? Your comment actually made sense! lol

Important factors in the dating world after a break-up… Take a break from dating when you break-up from a long term relationship. Evaluate how you can improve yourself as a person. Narrow down what is important to you when it comes to dating and finding a mate.

SlimNu when the fro comes in at 12 can you post a picture? lol
Slim how are you feeling today?

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:34 am

MissMoni – I’m sorry you’re working Friday. I’ll think about ya while I’m out & about lol

2C – You’re too kind. Good thing I brought my hair tie so i can pull this mini fro back lol

Durty – How about I just text you a pic. Go ahead and give me the digits ;-) So far i’m feeling good because it’s Hump Day Wednesday. Have you gotten your hump on yet? :-D

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
9:37 am

HUMP Day!!! *Camel from Geico commercial voice!*

-Slim Sure you will, while you’re enjoying your day off, LOL!!!

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
9:38 am

Okay who’s using ex’s moniker this morning. (LOL)

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
9:40 am

MissMoni, I got you beat, I’m working tomorrow and Friday :-D

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:40 am

MissMoni – I have a coworker that cracks up every time she see’s that commercial.Ryan Cameron kept calling the camel JayZ lol….But this morning she sent me a text that had a woman grinding on a dude and it said Happy Hump day. I was thinking dayum, that shole look like fun. :oops:

disco

July 3rd, 2013
9:43 am

that hump day commercial does nothing for me.

single – don’t sleep on ex. every now and again he says something that makes sense. you just have to wait for it. lol.

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:43 am

Exiled – Have you ever had a bad relationship or was hurt by one you gave your heart to? Or do you not have a heart? lol j/k

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
9:45 am

-Single WOW, no observance of the 4th. . . Yeah you beat me on that 1, LOL!!!

-Slim I bet it did, LOL!!! I haven’t humped in so long. . .

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:46 am

don’t sleep on ex. every now and again he says something that makes sense. you just have to wait for it

disco – Eggggzacally! hahahaha

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
9:46 am

-Disco What day is it??? LMBO!!!

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:47 am

Single – Well, it’s like 100% chance of rain all day tomorrow so you probably won’t miss anything. I’m sure someone will save you a weenie or two. ;-)

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
9:49 am

Slim being hurt and disappointed is part of life. With this generation and the not keeping score, always making the team, everybody gets to play. they don’t learn this at an early age. Life isn’t fair, but we have to deal with it.

Disco, Lizbeth I’m coming to join you (LOL)

disco

July 3rd, 2013
9:51 am

single – hot damn. now you upped and done it. LOL!!!

I see we got the pranksters in the house today. that’s what’s up.

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
9:51 am

MissMoni, Slim, I don’t really get into the 4th, because when those white men signed that piece of paper they weren’t talking about everyone.

disco

July 3rd, 2013
9:54 am

single – I don’t get into it (4th, labor day, memorial day, Columbus day, president’s day) from a patriotic perspective but I’ll take a day off. shoot if KKK day was a holiday I’d stay my behind home and might even hit up the white sales at the dept store. lol.

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
9:54 am

-Single Well I proudly celebrate the 4th and any other holiday that I get paid for to be off. They may not have been thinking of us then, but heck if the truth be told, many of them still aren’t thinking about us now. Our ancestors gave blood, sweat and tears so that we could be a part of the American Dream so I embrace the 4th just like my right to vote. Besides, there’s no other country that I would want to live in permanently. :-)

Bluzgirl

July 3rd, 2013
9:55 am

MissMoni – I have to work Friday also. And…my boss let several people off, so it’s going to be crazy!!!

I walk in on Wednesday now and say to the receptionist “Guess what day it is…guess what day IT IS!” She starts laughing and says it’s hump day and I say loudly “WOOT WOO!” Cracks me up every time

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
9:56 am

Disco, labor day and memorial day honors all of us. Now Thanksgiving and Columbus day those are different. I’ll work tomorrow and it will pay for one of my vacations :-D

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
9:57 am

-Bluzgirl It’s going to be as quiet as a fly urinating on cotton come Friday. So many people took the day off, which is why I don’t mind being here. I have a nice flat screen in my office and I’m bringing a nice plate of leftovers from Thursday. Oh HAPPY day, LOL!!!

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
9:58 am

Single – I know hurt is a part of life but I wanted to know if Ex experienced anything of that nature. And as far as the 4th, you definitely entitled to your own view points/feelings/thoughts.

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
9:58 am

MissMoni you’re right they did, just at that time the were giving them in a different way.

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
10:00 am

Okay Slim (big hug)

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
10:02 am

-Single I wish we could get paid to be off for Cinco de Mayo!!! ;-)

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
10:03 am

shoot if KKK day was a holiday I’d stay my behind home and might even hit up the white sales at the dept store.

disco – OMG FUN-KNEEE! :lol:

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
10:04 am

MissMoni, we get paid for our birthday, so that’s one day I’m not working :-D I’ll gladly take the pay for tomorrow, and take me a vacation and relax with it :-D

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
10:05 am

-Single I ain’t mad at you, ENJOY yourself!!! :-D

SlimNu

July 3rd, 2013
10:05 am

O/T Question: If you give a gift at the bridal shower, is it customary to also give a gift at the actual wedding?

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
10:06 am

Which is another reason I’m working, couldn’t find anywhere to get away too, that the flights were reasonable (LOL)

Single and Happy

July 3rd, 2013
10:15 am

scrreeeeechhhhhhhhhhh

Exiled

July 3rd, 2013
10:15 am

I am Always 100…

since most read me casually(LIE!)..u miss the guuud

MissMoni

July 3rd, 2013
10:17 am

-Slim Traditionally YES, you give a gift at both.

Hazel

July 3rd, 2013
10:17 am

@Single – I actually do follow my husband blindly..I have a reason to do so. But knocking on wood while I say this.

Bluzgirl

July 3rd, 2013
10:18 am

Random: I’m so disappointed that it’s going to rain tonight and tomorrow. I was looking forward to trying out my new camera on the fireworks. Boo!!!