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Sabotaging your relationship

One of our readers  “Tom” has asked for the blog for some insight.  His girlfriend of two years has a really bad “habit” of picking fights or manufacturing drama in their relationship.  At first, he believed she was doing it to get his attention.  He tends to travel a lot for work and admits that balancing work and personal life may play a role in their issues.

His main concern is that no matter how much time he makes for her, she finds a way to pick fights with him.  She disregards any efforts he makes to compromise and cater to her needs.  Instead, she focuses on what he gets wrong.

This all sounds eerily familiar to me because I used to do the same exact thing in a past relationship.  I could not accept that I had a great guy who really cared about me so I intentionally tried to derail things from progressing.  It’s a really awful defense mechanism and it took me a long time to break from that behavior.  Some people really sabotage things in a new relationship because they are not truly ready for anything serious.

Are you guilty of sabotaging relationships?  Would you advise Tom to confront his girlfriend on her pattern of behavior?

354 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

June 24th, 2013
7:14 am

Hello All

Dating – getting to know someone, what you like about them and what you don’t like, what you can overcome and what you can’t. Tom needs to make up his mind if he can overcome this, if after 2 years she hasn’t changed, then that’s who she is. HE needs to either accept it or move on.

Lee

June 24th, 2013
7:26 am

He tends to travel a lot for work and admits that balancing work and personal life may play a role in their issues. This statement here says it all, he admits that he hasn’t balanced this work with personal life–maybe she feels left out in the field–he needs to address this with her, how can he change this or she. All he stated was picking a fight –but what is the fight about? If its the same thing and if it can’t be resolved maybe they need to sit down and have a heart to heart on what they truly want.

Its monday and i so don’t wantaa get moving

MissMoni

June 24th, 2013
7:53 am

GOOD Monday Morning MIA!!! :-)

Are you guilty of sabotaging relationships? Nope

Would you advise Tom to confront his girlfriend on her pattern of behavior? Well, he’s 2 years in so I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that he doesn’t want to confront her about the behavior. However, if he feels that he’s at a turning point he should speak now OR forever hold his peace. Like Single said, he needs to either accept it OR move on. Either he wants to continue to deal with her drama OR he doesn’t. Let’s not make this difficult. He should talk to her and address her behavior, if it continues with NO signs of improvements, then he should move forward WITHOUT her.

Hazel

June 24th, 2013
8:01 am

Good morning and Happy Monday. Some folks will never be 100% happy as they will always find something wrong with everything. She may be one of those. Confronting her will not change anything, as that’s who she is. He should’nt want to be around her as if he is feeling this way already, the future may only get worse. On NPR this morning they said, someone negative around you will make you negative too. No thanks

MsAtl

June 24th, 2013
8:21 am

Morning All!

Are you guilty of sabotaging relationships? No, I am not.

Would you advise Tom to confront his girlfriend on her pattern of behavior? Yes, he should have an honest conversation with her. If this behavior is not something he can accept (even though it has been two years), he needs to make that known rather than let it continue to fester and he ends up resentful. He also needs to work on better balancing his home and work roles as this is likely a contributing factor.

Button

June 24th, 2013
8:47 am

Are you guilty of sabotaging relationships? Nope

It seems as if Tom is making concessions to cater to his gf but she’s not satified. If he’s making compromises that’s a lot in my book but his compromises aren’t enough. Maybe she’s the type of person who is never satified. It’s been 2 years so there is a pattern already formed. Tom need to be vocal to his gf about how he feels. If he’s not making her aware of her treatment towards him how will she know. There seems to be communication problems in their relationship. They need to talk.

Good morning!

SlimNu

June 24th, 2013
8:51 am

Morning folks

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
8:59 am

She’s sabotaging the relationship because she has trust issues. It makes her feel better if she makes him feel bad because no matter what good he’s doing, she finds fault. In essence, she’s attempting to dissuade him from wanting to do things for her and treat her respectfully so she can have ammunition to leave the relationship. She’s insecure and may feel belitting him makes her feel like a bigger person in the “right and wrong” department because she may feel she’s in this relationship alone while he’s away on business buy may be having too much fun w/o her. No matter what he does, she sees him enjoying life w/o her. All she knows how to do is bicker because she doesn’t feel good about herself.

Good morning!

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
9:09 am

Never ever heard of someone purposely sabotaging their relationship!! Ever! Where dey do dat at??

Diva, is that a real scenario or just having writer’s block? :mrgreen:

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
9:10 am

Just kidding, Diva :mrgreen:

Durty Burd

June 24th, 2013
9:14 am

Goood Morning Ladies!

I am interested in seeing who is going to admit they sabatoge a relationship. I have sabotaged a few relationships because of certains things I did and did not do…

I think the greater question is what causes this type of behavior? Are u insecure and do u have trust issues? Are u bringing past issues into the new relationship? There is something mentally wrong with this woman. If dude had the traveling job when he met her then why do u expect something different. I guess she thought her magic puddy would make him change his schedule. lol

Wisa Diva please tell us how u have been able to overcome this problem?

If you plan on having the ONE in your life, the Folks better start addressing their issues and stop thinking a SO is going to accept bad behavior. The alternative is u will remain single and will need cats to keep u company..

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
9:15 am

It certainly does happen. People pick fights for the sheer hell of it. Could be for attention, could be for the makeup sex, could be for sympathy (even though no likes hearing another wallow). I would think many sabotage simply because they are afraid.

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
9:21 am

could be for the makeup sex

This made me laugh…lol In a seriousness, I’ve never heard of such. Not saying it doesn’t happen, but I’ve never heard of this.

Wait, I have heard of dudes doing things because they needed a reason to bounce and didn’t have the balls guts to just break free. I guess I have then. Okay, I recant saying I’ve never heard of such. I should say, I’ve never KNOWINGLY heard of or had it done to me. Me? I’ve never done it.

Okay, I’m going to eat my oatmeal :)

Into the Light

June 24th, 2013
9:23 am

Morning, all.

It sounds to me like she’s feeling insecure and picking fights as a way to reassure herself (i.e. if you care enough to fight about it, then you care about me). I know that sounds crazy, but people do it.

Monday already. dang. Guess it was good while it lasted…..

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
9:36 am

Celisea ~ I knew you heard of it (lol), esp. with guys wanting to bounce and making you think “you” ended it with them.

DreamsMaterialize

June 24th, 2013
9:39 am

Would you advise Tom to confront his girlfriend on her pattern of behavior?
In two years he hasn’t confronted her about this issue? What’s he waiting for?

I have to say, if you’re traveling often, and the only time spent with your lady is filled with arguing, that sounds like a pretty miserable relationship…from my perspective.

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
9:42 am

Morning All!!

Okay after 2 years, they know each other. They are who they are. Dude admits he travels a lot and tries to make up for the time apart. Now either he is not doing such a great job at it OR chick is just a drama queen. Some folks just like keeping up drama. I don’t think it has anything to do with her sabotaging the relationship either. She likes to keep up drama and knows he will put up with it, like he has for 2 years. He sounds weak to me. After 2 year you need advice on whether or not you should confront your girlfriend about something that’s getting to you? Are you kidding me? I guarantee if he checked chick on her drama 2 years ago we would be discussing another topic now. Nobody is holding a gun to his head to make him stay. Wise does not mention them having any kids together. He’s still there after 2 years cause he likes the drama relationship they have. He is still there because he wants to be.

I don’t see the problem. :shock:

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
9:42 am

Leggs – LOLOL…yeah I have, thinking about it now. I tell ya, the games folks play. It all just seems so exhausting… Go ahead, put me out of my misery, just tell me….lol

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
9:45 am

I wouldn’t advise Tom of anything, if he likes (and apparently so), then I love it. Who need to asks what they should do in a miserable situation. The handwriting is on the wall. Do the dang thing…snip snip

disco

June 24th, 2013
9:48 am

good morning.

old girl is picking fights huh? maybe he’s boring in bed and it gets better during makeup. just a thought.

disco

June 24th, 2013
9:51 am

hazel – re someone negative around you making you negative. I’ve heard the theory but I don’t feed into it. being around happy people doesn’t make me happy. being around sad people doesn’t make me sad. being around angry people doesn’t make me angry. my emotions are mine. their emotions are theirs.

leggs – sorry. didn’t see you had already made my point. lol.

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
10:01 am

Hey Disco!!

I’m with you and Leggs on this. They BOTH love the making up They like this little game they are playing.

Bluzgirl

June 24th, 2013
10:06 am

Morning all!

In the past, I attempted to sabotage a relationship without realizing it. I used to think that I didn’t deserve happiness…instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I would make it drop. This was quite some time ago and the guy called me out on it. I’m glad I’m not that same person anymore!!!

O/T – Mags texted me again Fri after I left work and then on Saturday. I didn’t respond to anything…

Single and Happy

June 24th, 2013
10:07 am

His main concern is that no matter how much time he makes for her, she finds a way to pick fights with him. She disregards any efforts he makes to compromise and cater to her needs. Instead, she focuses on what he gets wrong.
Having been there done that, the make up sex gets old after awhile and it’s not worth it.

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
10:07 am

Durty – I can truly say I have never purposely sabotaged a relationship, but I’ve had it done to me. I’ve never had the patience. I just went on and dumped a dude. No talking anything out or working on things. Yeah I knew when dudes were trying to sandbag things because they didn’t have the balls to break it off with me. I usually ablidged and put us both out of our misery.

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
10:10 am

Single – It got old for you, and it would for me too. For some though, it doesn’t. Some folks thrive on drama and would not know how to act without it present. That’s the way they think love is shown and if someone is not tripping, they must not care much!!

MissMoni

June 24th, 2013
10:12 am

-Bluzgirl Good for you, sticking to your guns! :-)

MsAtl

June 24th, 2013
10:12 am

Bluz- It’s much easier to download an app and block him. Then again, if you keep ignoring the texts, eventually he will stop…

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
10:17 am

Bluz – On waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’ve been very guilty of that and honestly not still fully over it even though I am married to a great guy. I have never sabotaged things, but it’s like I don’t allow myself to fully relax. I’m always waiting for something to happen, in the back of my mind this guy MUST have something up his sleeve! It’s very sad, I know, but the need to guard my heart over the years will do that. I didn’t allow it to jade me and block my blessings, so that’s progress. Hopefully one day I will be fully rid of it.

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
10:17 am

Exactly, kimmie. Especially during the making up part, he may be constantly reassuring her while in her arms, whispering in her ear, making her feel like she’s the only one in the world for him. When he goes out of town again, he has to start over from scratch because she’s flipped out again. Am I right, “Tom?”

Bluzgirl

June 24th, 2013
10:19 am

MsAtl – I’m honestly kind of enjoying the fact that he’s texting me and that I’m ignoring him. I feel like he’s sweating me some. He asked me to come see him at some festival on Saturday…why the heck would I?

abc

June 24th, 2013
10:24 am

I’ve been in Tom’s shoes, but it didn’t last for 2 years. I told them (yeah, it’s happened more than once) that we always fight, I don’t like that, so we’re done. It would take 2 or 3 times for them to get it in their head that I was really done with them. Seems obvious to me, though. If the time spent together is unpleasant, stop spending the time together.

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
10:26 am

I’m honestly kind of enjoying the fact that he’s texting me and that I’m ignoring him. = At least you’re being honest because that’s the only way to really look at you not blocking him when you can.

Bluzgirl

June 24th, 2013
10:28 am

I’ve been in relationships where we fight all the time and that is not fun at all! I vow to not have another relationship like that. It doesn’t even matter who always starts the fights…it shouldn’t be like that. I was talking to my neighbor last night about how love shouldn’t be so hard…

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
10:28 am

Seems obvious to me, though. If the time spent together is unpleasant, stop spending the time together

BINGO…and as with anything, folks that deal with stuff, is because they want to. If there is anything you’re dealing with and “so-called” tolerating, it’s because you chose to. Ain’t nothing like getting it said. And usually, a person of “backbone” will get it said, no matter the issue. Otherwise, you’re allowing drama cause ya want to and cause you like drama you own self….period!! :)

abc

June 24th, 2013
10:29 am

If it’s difficult, it’s not love, I figure. If it’s the right person, love is easy.

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
10:29 am

Folks don’t grow backbones and spines and in area or place and a limp noodle in other areas. Not buying…nuh uh!! Like I said earlier, the games people play.

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
10:29 am

Bluz – It’s an ego boost.

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
10:30 am

“does so because they want to”…is what I meant at 10:28

Bluzgirl

June 24th, 2013
10:30 am

Leggs – I also figure that he’ll give up eventually. No real need to block at this point. It’s not like things are ugly between us. Now, if it turns ugly, I’ll have no problem at all blocking him. I’m proud of myself for being strong enough to ignore the texts. The old me (2-4 years ago) would have jumped on it. Heck…the old me wouldn’t have dropped him in the first place. I would have continued to allow him to treat me like isht…

Celisea...booyaaaw, I'm baaaack!!!

June 24th, 2013
10:31 am

I thought we were still on topic? Or rather, I thought it was mandated that we could not veer off topic until after 3:00???

Okay, BBL then

Bluzgirl

June 24th, 2013
10:31 am

abc – That’s how I feel…I just know that when love is easy, then it will be right.

disco

June 24th, 2013
10:34 am

bluz – since blocking texts doesn’t seem to be your thing I suggest you at least delete them without reading them. I’m thinking dude is just fishing for the right combination of words to unlock the door that gets him back in. sooner or later he’s going to get it and then you’ll be back on the blog couch. you don’t want to be back on the blog couch.

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
10:37 am

Bluz ~ he probably will give up at some point, they all do. BUT, it’s a conquest for him to see if he can get back in. He has his own time limit on how long he believe it will be before you bite. You’re waiting him out, and please believe he’s waiting you out! Who will fall first???

Leggs

June 24th, 2013
10:39 am

ok, disco, I now see you’ve already said the same thing.

disco

June 24th, 2013
10:39 am

kimmie – why did I envision you taking a brother out to pasture and putting a bullet in him? lol.

leggs – who will fall first? do we want to place bets? lol.

MissMoni

June 24th, 2013
10:41 am

-Disco I agree with your 10:34. Bluz he’s definitely fishing and wants you to take the bait. . .

kimmie

June 24th, 2013
10:41 am

disco

June 24th, 2013
10:43 am

moni – that’s why I think bluz is playing with fire. sure, she’s grown some. she’s a little bit tougher than she was but the girl is prone to lapses in judgment. let the stars line up just so. dude sends her a text message on a night when she’s feeling lonely and drowning her sorrows over in a bottle of something and then guess what is likely to happen.