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Love thy privacy?

When you are married or in a committed relationship, do you believe that you should be afforded some degree of privacy?  I think some people expect to give up some freedom in a relationship, but what privacy can you keep? Should people in relationships keep secrets?  Is it important to be able to have some things that you can keep to yourself?

I read a really tragic and bizarre story the other day that made me wonder about this.  A married and and his lover drowned in a hotel pool.  His wife had no idea he was on vacation, let alone with another woman!  If he told her some kind of bogus story of his whereabouts, she probably thought he was telling her the truth.  I still wonder how much freedom and privacy a married man gets to have?

If there is full trust, do you believe one should still be required to disclose information? Do you believe it is important to tell your mate everything?

What do you do when you love your privacy, but you love your partner more? Do you give it up if it makes them happier?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

375 comments Add your comment

Exiled

June 6th, 2013
7:03 am

Diva??
I am taking away the Wise today! :lol:

What privacy when you are married?

Privacy is cheating.

If you want privacy stay single. You can always have fwb but u dismiss them when the liasons are over.
Good morning MIA!

Lee

June 6th, 2013
7:08 am

You can not live your life giving a listing of where you are going to be everyday of your life with someone, that is crazy. And if someone wants a list please run– fast away from them “controlling” is not cute.

Single and Happy

June 6th, 2013
8:11 am

Hello all

Everyone deserves privacy, just because you get married doesn’t mean you stop being and individual.

I read a really tragic and bizarre story the other day that made me wonder about this. A married and and his lover drowned in a hotel pool. His wife had no idea he was on vacation, let alone with another woman! If he told her some kind of bogus story of his whereabouts, she probably thought he was telling her the truth. I still wonder how much freedom and privacy a married man gets to have? love this one, like anyone would tell their wife they’re going on vacation with there mistress? What’s so tragic and bizarre about it?

Celisea

June 6th, 2013
8:12 am

Diva, I think this can be a catch 22…depending on your boo….lololol If they aren’t trustworthy (I know, why even waste time typing this cause why waste time being with them…but some folks do), then you’re going to have this issue, the issue of someone poking you everywhere you turn. That’s your fault.

On the real, in the real world, here’s what I think. Live honest so your SO is okay knowing when you walk out of the door, they can feel assured you’re somewhere doing the right thing. Ain’t gotta be takena aback with finding out you stoked out while with your lover or other lover..IJS

Overall, I don’t there should be privacy…not like that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think there should be free range where someone is a pain with snooping and asking for a “list of where you’ll be today.”

Celisea

June 6th, 2013
8:13 am

Well dern, where’s my post..never mind

I’ll BBL

Celisea

June 6th, 2013
8:13 am

Oooops, there it is…. :)

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

June 6th, 2013
8:32 am

WOW….. So to be married means one has to start clocking in and out???? If being married means I can no longer function as an adult, then I will for ever be single…..

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 6th, 2013
8:45 am

@Court

Naw, it means being respectful enough of the person that you share a home and life with, to let them know when/if you’re coming home. It means “hey, I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”

It’s more courtesy than requirement.

Into the Light

June 6th, 2013
8:48 am

Morning, all!

Well said, Dan!

@Court: You will not forever be single, boo. Don’t you remember that we’re engaged for 2020? :lol: :lol:

Single and Happy

June 6th, 2013
9:00 am

So you can’t have privacy and be courteous?

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 6th, 2013
9:06 am

Private thoughts, actions, sure.

Being gone for 5 hours, or not getting home when you normally do, and not bothering to call either time is private, but not being courteous to your (chosen) partner.

Other than those examples S/H, to what are you referring? Where do you see a difference?

MsAtl

June 6th, 2013
9:09 am

Morning All!

Being married does not mean you give up all privacy. You should be able to keep some things to yourself and should not have to tell your every waking thought. That said, while I do not believe it is necessary to say “I am going to the restroom,” I do believe you should say “I’m going out after work”; “I’m going to dinner”; and the vacation example? That’s just crazy!
If there is full trust, do you believe one should still be required to disclose information?
Yes! Full trust has nothing to do with common respect and courtesy.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
9:12 am

“When you are married or in a committed relationship, do you believe that you should be afforded some degree of privacy?” – Most definitely. Why you think “man caves” exist. :wink:

It’s highly important to have time to yourself, w/o interruption, w/o suspicion.

Ok, now that I’ve read the entire topic:

“If there is full trust, do you believe one should still be required to disclose information?” Hell yeah. Although some may not like “checking in,” it’s just respectful to let your SO know your whereabouts. Not talking about every 30 mins until you arrive home, but a husband being on vacation and the wife not know about it, who does that??

It’s more courtesy than requirement. – On point, Dan!!! You get it.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:14 am

good morning.

talk about your just desserts. lol. really? dude went off creeping and died with the sidepiece? that’s comical. bet that was one heck of a funeral. lol.

ex – I disagree. I think even married folks are (or should be) entitled to their fair share of privacy.

Single and Happy

June 6th, 2013
9:15 am

Dan:
Courteous = baby I’m stopping by the store would you like me bring you something, do we need anything?

Privacy = baby who you talking too? I need your code to your phone! I need you’re code for AT&T so I can make sure you didn’t delete any calls or text.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:16 am

celisea – thing is some folks get so comfortable in the “live honest” cloak of trust that those tend to be the ones who can do whatever they want to do because their poor, trusting s/o would never imagine that they would step out.

dan – the problem is that some folks don’t mention that on the way to the store they are stopping off at the sidepiece’s house for a quickie. lol. guess as long as they bring home the bread and milk it’s all good. lol.

Single and Happy

June 6th, 2013
9:17 am

Leggs, men that cheat do that! :-? as well as women that cheat also:-?

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
9:21 am

No doubt, I’ve confused privacy with alone time!

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:23 am

Does being married means you lose the right to privately screw someone else on the side? Yes. You gets no privacy. No privacy to take a vacation with another person. No privacy to have intimate telephone conversations with another person. No privacy to have dinner after work with another person without your spouse’s knowledge.

You want privacy? That’s what locks on bathroom doors are for.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:25 am

re vacationing with sidepiece I remember tom joyner clowning re some dude who sent in a text that he was going on the fantastic voyage with his sidepiece. cybill wanted them to real dude’s area cope. tom and jay refused to do so. said it would violate man laws.

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:25 am

Dan, said it correctly. A husband and wife are accountable to each other. And being accountable does not mean you have call to let your spouse know that you are leaving the office for lunch or for a meeting. That’s not necessary. Once you leave the house to for work, you are working. What you do every moment within the day is not news worthy. But a “imma run out for a minute” is what should be stated if leaving the house and the other is there. Now where you want to say where you are going and whether the wants to ask where you are going is your right to do so.

Celisea

June 6th, 2013
9:26 am

disco, I definitely agree. Usually those are the cheaters…lollol

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:26 am

raqi – I know you are marriage gung ho and all but do you really believe the only privacy you are entitled to is while in the bathroom? heck, that’s barely private the way folks knock and ask questions through the door. lol.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
9:27 am

disco ~ it certainly is comical!!!! Dumb cluck!

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:29 am

Leggs, yes alone time is one thing and everyone is granted that. LOL

Again, I agree with another of Dan’s comments. Private thoughts? Yeah keep those to yourself. Your spouse does not need to know you fantasize about another person sometimes.

But this privacy thing as it was laid out in the post? Sounds way too shady for me.

Stay Single.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
9:29 am

Privacy = baby who you talking too? I need your code to your phone! I need you’re code for AT&T so I can make sure you didn’t delete any calls or text.

Single ~ that’s not privacy. That’s suspicion that he somehow made her feel with all his phone calls or hours of the day and night. Privacy out the window (lol).

MsAtl

June 6th, 2013
9:30 am

Disco- Well now we know why Tom didn’t want to violate the man code; He and his wife divorced due to his affair with his sidepiece.

Raqi- If I was going to lunch with my male co-workers, I did let my ex know. Yes it was during work hours, but I felt comfortable letting him know. I would rather that than someone saying I saw your wife at Taco Mac with another man. Sad thing, though, he didn’t provide the same courtesy. I got a call from a girlfriend that she saw him with in Atlanta with a woman. Turned out, he was going to “lunch” with a patient.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
9:30 am

Raqi ~ of course Dan said it correctly and now Single wants to throw some arsenic in the mix. He’s acting brand new!

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:33 am

Disco, you tell me. What do I need privacy for?

Spending an evening having dinner with my BFF’s is not a privacy issue. I go out. I eat, talk, mingle, I come home.

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:36 am

MsAtl, I agree with that. That is the honorable thing to do.

I truly believe if it’s something you would not want your spouse to know about and/or find out about from someone else you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

Let them know upfront and all is good.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:41 am

atl – really? tom joyner got divorced? I missed that. I remember he had ralphie may on the show once and they were both going on about how they lucked up on fine wives.

raqi – I don’t know. can’t speak for your personal privacy needs. still, I would have to reserve the right to claim privacy if I wanted it. privacy isn’t only about keeping secrets. it’s also about maintaining personal space.

MsAtl

June 6th, 2013
9:44 am

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
9:44 am

disco ~ I was surprised when I heard he got divorced, but never knew why. Now I know. Everytime I see TJoyner I see a lighbulb. He has a head like a lightbulb. That man needs some sun! Donna had a banging body, attractive woman, but we know that has nothing to do with why a man cheats. Some do it just cuz they’re greedy and think they’re invincible, i.e., TWoods!

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:45 am

Snooping and all that mess, that’s a whole other matter and I think is what have this post all over the place.

Either we are talking about a married person wanting a private life on the outside unbeknown to their spouse, which is shady, Or we are talking about a matter of a person wanting to know every move their S/O is making. Those are two separate things and I don’t think it’s fair to mix the two.

Yeah everyone is going to say I should have the right for my spouse not to be checking my text or emails. That is all of ours rights. Be then again, why would you have an exchange of texts and emails that are private outside of a business venture.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:45 am

typing personal space made me think of personal items/property which made me think of eve in barbershop going off about who drank her apple juice. I wouldn’t go so far as to write my name on stuff but I would be livid if the folks in my house didn’t respect my ruby red grapefruit juice. when my son was at home I bought “yours, mine and ours” groceries. that was a serious rule. you could eat yours, you could eat shared, don’t you dare eat what’s mine. lol.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:49 am

leggs – I agree re tom joyner having a light bulb head. not just any light bulb either but a great big old vanity light.

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:50 am

Disco, you know when I require privacy? When I am talking to a BFF on the phone about her personal situation. It’s private because it’s her situation that she is sharing with me. That is not the hubs business. That’s private.

I have to grant him the same.

Other than that, no need for privacy outside of the bathroom.

Raqi

June 6th, 2013
9:54 am

LOL Disco, drinking my Snapple is cause for a fight. I agree.

I don’t care if we are ONE and could have just parted ways from making the beast with two backs mere minutes earlier. That’s my Apple Snapple and he better not touch it. LOL Personal property.

disco

June 6th, 2013
9:56 am

raqi – okay. got it.

raqi – apple snapple huh? my son is die hard for simply apple juice. he don’t play with his apple juice.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 6th, 2013
9:59 am

Asking me for my phone code is the opposite of privacy, it’s active distrust; on the other hand, why would I need a code? What do I have to hide?

S/N: Back when I was dating, the easiest hustle was “I have nothing to hide, feel free to check my phone,” and it was true then as now; if you feel the need go ahead. Difference is when I was dating, if she wasn’t my girl, she got what she asked for. My wife doesn’t have those issues, in part because I haven’t given her any reason to.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
10:05 am

He doesn’t remind me of a light bulb like some men’s heads remind of, but more an egg! His head is shaped like an egg.

disco

June 6th, 2013
10:07 am

I’ve always been an extremely private person. don’t suppose that would change if I were to ever get married. I’m all for trust and all that but privacy (to me) is a requirement and should be respected. just because we are married and I trust you and you trust me and I have nothing to hide doesn’t mean you can go through my purse just because it’s sitting on the counter. my purse and its contents are private. I journal a lot. just because my journal is sitting there doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to sit down and get comfortable and start reading. to me, some stuff is private. I don’t think I should have to give old boy a list of off limits things but if it came to that I suppose that’s just what I would do. lol.

DuShawn

June 6th, 2013
10:11 am

-”A husband and wife are accountable to each other.”- That’s one of the biggest adjustments I had to make when I became a husband. There is a fine line between accountability and being obligated to report ones whereabouts. It irritated me when wifey would ask “Where are you” instead of “How are you”. I began to feel like my wife was my probation officer. In the infancy stages of our marriage, she elevated herself to a fictitious position of authority. My thinking was, I’m a grown man. I will be there when I get there. She felt, I’m her husband and I should be accountable.

Sassy Me...Feeling like new ;-)

June 6th, 2013
10:17 am

His head is shaped like an egg.

:lol: He sure does..

disco cosign on your 10:07…some things are indeed private.

SlimNu

June 6th, 2013
10:17 am

If I was old dudes wife, I wouldn’t know if I wanted to be mad at him that he was off with a mistress, or sad because he’s gone. Too many emotions for that one situation… back to catching up.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
10:19 am

disco ~ I agree with that post. Doesn’t matter you’re my husband, ask me first before going through my purse. I have nothing to hide, just don’t like anyone rifling through my purse. Not even my child. I remember when a guy went through my wallet while out at a dinner table. I slightly stabbed him (lol) with my dinner fork. I warned him to leave my purse alone, but he wouldn’t listen.

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
10:21 am

Thanks Dushaw, the word is “accountability.”

Leggs

June 6th, 2013
10:21 am

Oops, sorry for jacking up your name, DushawN

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

June 6th, 2013
10:23 am

@Disco

I look in purses….it’s one of my things.

You can tell a lot about a woman by looking in her purse, and if she’ll allow you to look.

Back when we were dating, I would randomly check my (now) wife’s purse, just to see what was in it and if she’d let me.