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Text message cheating?

A reader wrote in to ask whether or not inappropriate texts can be considered cheating.  She found her live-in boyfriend’s text messages to another woman.  (Ok, when I say found, I actually mean snooped!) He insisted that they have never hooked up but admitted to a few dirty text messages.

Do you think that sending texts to people who are not your significant other automatically classifies as cheating?  What if the nature of the text messages is harmless and simple flirting?

Would it bother you if you discovered that the person you are dating had a habit of sending texts to women from his past?  Would you ask them to stop or dump them?

What is the appeal of sending dirty texts to people you aren’t even dating?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

448 comments Add your comment

Exiled

May 29th, 2013
6:41 am

Well….

Good morning MIA!

Lee

May 29th, 2013
7:16 am

Time for her to move on, since he already has. End of story

I already went though that with some guy not going to go though that again. i will leave so fast i will be nothing but a blur
Hate wasting time, one question why do people do that if you want other people just say so and move on. Games should only be played at the kitchen table with a game board.

Time to make the donuts…. good day all

MissMoni

May 29th, 2013
7:41 am

GOOD Wednesday Morning MIA!!! *My friend Chef Judy was on Chopped last night on Food Network!* :-)

Text message cheating: If you’re texting something that you know you don’t want your S/O to read then maybe you shouldn’t be texting it (unless you’re planning a surprise party)! If they live together and he’s sending these “dirty” texts then who knows what he’s doing when she’s not around. Absolutely NO respect and she needs to keep it moving.

I’ve been there, done that with the inappropriate texts and it’s just outright disrespectful, plain and simple. If a person still feels the need to constantly communicate with their ex or some other person with dirty inappropriate texts then obviously they aren’t ready to move on with you.

Single and Happy

May 29th, 2013
7:56 am

Text message cheating Um yea. If you look in my phone and we’re just dating or in a relationship, we won’t be anymore! If you look in my phone and we’re married, we have some serious issues and we need to do something about them. It’s not about anything to hide, it’s about respect, and privacy!

Alberta

May 29th, 2013
8:03 am

I would suggest that any woman who feels the need to check her boyfriend’s text messages, or emails, or cell calls – regardless of what information they contain – is already in a bad relationship.

Button

May 29th, 2013
8:12 am

Top of the morning to you!
Do you think that sending texts to people who are not your significant other automatically classifies as cheating? YES
What if the nature of the text messages is harmless and simple flirting? Still cheating in my book.
Would it bother you if you discovered that the person you are dating had a habit of sending texts to women from his past. It depends on the nature of the text. If it’s not platonic then I would have a problem.
Would you ask them to stop or dump them? I would ask him to stop it if he doesn’t then I would leave the relationship.
What is the appeal of sending dirty texts to people you aren’t even dating? Not sure.

Hazel

May 29th, 2013
8:18 am

I don’t consider it cheating but it exactly isn’t healthy either. I will agree with what MissMoni said at the end. “then obviously they aren’t ready to move on with you.” The person isn’t ready and so you shouldn’t waste your time.
I personally would NOT want my partner to text anyone from his past.. or even be friends with someone he had a romantic relationship with in the past.

Exiled

May 29th, 2013
8:36 am

Hello Alberta!

Button

May 29th, 2013
8:39 am

I’m not an advocate for snooping but sometimes you have to snoop to see what is really going on. How else will you know if everything is on the up and up. I crack the code on my ex’s cell phone, listened to his voicemail and found out he was up to no good. I already had a gut feeling and the vm confirmed it.

Single and Happy

May 29th, 2013
8:46 am

Button, if you think you have to snoop, why not just move on!

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
8:58 am

For me, it’s founded on disrespecting what we have together. It is extremely inappropriate to send flirty/dirty/wishful/hoping/just playing/trying to see if the water is warm/smart alecky sexual texts to another. It’s just wrong!!! While you’re texting these messages your brain is working on the “possibility” leaving you smiling and anticipating. Cheating starts with “anticipation” before anything actually happens. Why even bother? Is it worth it? If you just want to exchange some harmless flirty texts with a woman or man, role play and send them to your SO. Act like strangers and get your juices flowing. Good grief, too many want to step out just for the sake of stepping out on the pretense it’s all so innocent. BULLISHT!

Hello Alberta.

Good morning, everyone!

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
9:01 am

“I’m not an advocate for snooping but sometimes you have to snoop to see what is really going on.” – No, you don’t. If you too have problems communicating and his eyes are going all over the room while you’re asking questions, he’s trying to flip the script, or even dodging your questions telling you you’re insecure, delusional or crazy, you already have your answers. No need to snoop.

MissMoni

May 29th, 2013
9:11 am

Good Morning Leggs! You hit the nail on the head in your posts!!! Some things are simply self-explanatory.

MsAtl

May 29th, 2013
9:16 am

Morning All!
Do you think that sending texts to people who are not your significant other automatically classifies as cheating? Not automatically; it depends on the texts.
What if the nature of the text messages is harmless and simple flirting? Harmless???
Would it bother you if you discovered that the person you are dating had a habit of sending texts to women from his past. It depends. By women, do you mean ex-girlfriends?
Would you ask them to stop or dump them? If he had a habit of flirting or inappropriate behavior via text, then I have no use for him.
What is the appeal of sending dirty texts to people you aren’t even dating? None, unless you are trying to date them.

Moni & Leggs (8:58)- I agree with you two. If it is something you would not want your S/O to know about or to do, then you shouldn’t be doing it either.

Button- I have snooped before. I thought the same thing, that I “had” to snoop to know what was going on. My ex would lie about the weather, so real discussion was not an option. If I questioned him, he would hide behind patient confidentiality. Eventually, I did snoop and found out he was sleeping with patients. I got rid of him! Would I snoop now? No; if I have a strong reason to believe you are stepping out, then I am just going to go with my gut and hit the road. I don’t have time for that. If I wanted to be a private detective, I’d get a license and make money at it. I need to have trust, honesty and reliability in a relationship.

MsAtl

May 29th, 2013
9:17 am

Didn’t realize my post was that long. I’ll take my blog ticket and go sit in the corner for five minutes…

disco

May 29th, 2013
9:23 am

good morning y’all. I don’t care what a text message says at the end of the day it’s just words on a screen. in my book words on a screen don’t equal cheating.

Alberta – some folks are just nosey and are always going to pry and snoop. doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad relationship. just means the other person oughtta know they got with a nosey person. lol.

DreamsMaterialize

May 29th, 2013
9:27 am

Morning
What’s the difference between texting something inappropriate and actually saying it. If it would be inappropriate to say it, then it would be inappropriate to text it. Also, if a woman snoops through my stuff, then it’s splitsville.

Robert

May 29th, 2013
9:28 am

“Text message cheating” – REAL MEN DO NOT SEND TEXT MESSAGES

Texting was made for a Woman and is not for a Man. Only little boys who were raised by their mother send text messages. I will not send you silly little text messages all day. I will pick-up the phone and call you. Communication challenged men who thinks texting is “cool” are immature and child like.

I have heard lots of women tell stories about men who text them all the time but can not hold a decent conversation. Ladies, if you man is addicted to his phone and text’s all the time find yourself a real Grown Man. I hate to see couples sitting together and both of them are playing with their phones instead of talking to each other. if you are on a date with me please leave your phone at home. I can find plenty of things to talk about.

disco

May 29th, 2013
9:29 am

leggs – I’ve heard that argument before. the it starts in your head. yep. I get it but are we going to hold folks accountable for having fantasies? if that’s the case a whole lot of folks are cheating because folks tend to fantasize about what they can’t have, don’t have, wish they had. I, for one, don’t spend a whole lot of time fantasizing about what I do have.

disco

May 29th, 2013
9:32 am

robert – no comment (though I really have a whole bunch of comments). lol.

MissMoni

May 29th, 2013
9:36 am

-Disco What if it’s words on a screen about what they did last night and what they’re planning to do tomorrow??? Those types of text messages are the set up for the MAIN EVENT! Let’s get ready to RUMBLE, LOL!

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
9:39 am

Good morning, MissMoni.

Button ~ if you have to “crack” the code on his phone, that speaks volumes to me. Not that it matters, but if you have such a high level of distrust why not get out of the relationship. I realize some stay in the relationship just to prove they’re right before walking away by snooping, but hell, you already knew. Why stoop to stalking, holding hostage his phone?

Gotta love the self-imposed penalties (lol).

“good morning y’all. I don’t care what a text message says at the end of the day it’s just words on a screen” – You’re absolutely right, disco. Just words on a screen. Words on a sheet of paper, words in an email, words left on windshield all asking for a rendeveous. Just words asking if she knows how to blow his whistle, just words with him asking can he part her jewel case, just words asking to meet up. Yep, those words have powerful intent, whether it’s embarked upon or not. Words are powerful and should not be diminished feeling they’re insignificant and meaningless.

I get what you’re saying and, of course, you’re entitled to it. I just disagree that they’re mere words on a screen.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
9:40 am

DreamsM ~ I certainly agree with your 9:27.

Robert

May 29th, 2013
9:40 am

“(Ok, when I say found, I actually mean snooped!)”

Women always talk about “trust” and “respect” but will do whatever they feel is neccessary to find out the “truth” including snooping around their Man’s phone, pants pockets, wallet, etc.. Let me be very clear on this subject…If you feel you have to “snoop” on me just to prove your point I will do both of us a favor and will not see you ever again. You will trust and respect me if we are in a committed relationship. That is a fact. I do not play.

Button

May 29th, 2013
9:41 am

Single/Leggs/MsAtl – now you know some people are GOOD at deception! Those are the folks I’m talking about. I have a huge problem with fully trusing a person and I haven’t snooped in years. now I’m not saying I will never snoop again but right now I’m not, not bc I don’t have a reason but I just haven’t. I had the itchy finger several times to get my S?O cell phone and snoop while he’s not in the room but I always decline. Also it has nothing to do with poor communication, we know some people who will talk your ear off and still be up to no good.

disco

May 29th, 2013
9:47 am

moni – yeah. I get it. folks play games though. chicks send stuff hoping the other chick will find it. it’s no different than the old leave behind an earring ploy. lol. men send stuff to prove to themselves they can still pull if they have to plus if they get a nude pic back it’s like a trophy. now I’m not saying it’s always innocent, all I’m saying is that texting isn’t cheating. cheating is cheating. of course, what constitutes cheating varies. some folks get caught up in emotional cheating and all that. me? cheating is the act itself. nothing else really matters.

Button

May 29th, 2013
9:47 am

So far everyone in here is saying they’ve NEVER snooped except for me and MsAtl?

MsAtl

May 29th, 2013
9:47 am

Robert- So you’ve said on many occassions. I respectfully disagree with you about “real men” not sending text messages and little boys raised by their mothers sending text messages. I, for one, find it a pleasant surprise to pick up my phone and see a sweet text message. No one is asking for texts all day long. You say you would just pick up the phone and call, but I wouldn’t want you calling me all day long either. It is not always convenient to call, yet you are thinking about that person and want them to know. I agree with you on putting the phone away while on a date. If you are on a date, your attention should be to the person in front of you, not your phone.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
9:49 am

disco ~ nothing wrong with having fantasies in your head. The problem occurs when you let them seep out into the real world and talk to real people about them instead of your SO. Sure, still a fantasy since it didn’t materialize, but you still shouldn’t be talking about them with folk you’re hoping to make it happen and they’re not who you are married to, living with, or dating. Once it leaves your head and it’s voiced with your lips….Houston, we have a problem!

disco

May 29th, 2013
9:51 am

leggs – yep I get it with all the different words. at the end of the day though, it boils down to “don’t talk about it, be about it”. all the inviting love notes or raunchy text messages in the world don’t add up to cheating IF there is no actual cheating involved.

button – I snoop but not the going through the pockets or checking the phone or rifling through drawers snooping. I’m the cyber snoop. I check property records, dmv records, vital statistics, etc. I also admit to glancing at the contents in the car console but I only look at what’s in plain sight. I don’t go through people’s stuff. not my thing.

Celisea

May 29th, 2013
9:51 am

So you have a woman or man that’s a situation away from stepping out on you, translation: inappropriately texting another. This is not rocket science, yeah it’s wrong and a definite dealbreaker, no if ans or buts about it. I’m not even going into the speech of shoe on the other foot to know it’s wrong or if it’s something in reverse, that you’d have a problem with, blah blah blah. Folks already know. Just like a little kid that checks to see if mommie is coming before stealing a cookie, it’s their conscious. Folks play dumb, but trust me, that’s a bullcrap. Don’t even waste your time…K.I.M.

I’m a proponent of good will never be overcome of evil…period. And that’s with everything in life. Having said that, you don’t have to snoop, anything done in the dark (i.e. sending sexy texts when you mate or spouse ain’t or can’t look), will be brought to the light. Eyes opened, ears to the ground and it will reveal itself.

Lastly…..later for those cats talking “well, if we ain’t married” or “we just sleeping together” or “nothing was ever made official” blah blah blah. I call those dudes the low down and the dirty. You know dang well if we’re interacting and “call ourselves seeing one another”, it ain’t cool texting, sexting, venting, etc etc etc with another. Yeah, if you’re doing anything indecent, whether it’s sly subtle or overt and up in your face, it’s a dealbreaker. I don’t do the whole “we didn’t have a conversaton about being exclusive” crap. It’s disrespectful and indecent.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
9:52 am

Button ~ I’ve never snooped. Never checked a wallet, pockets, picked up cellular device when it was ringing, or looking at text when the texting chime beeped, never followed him, never been in the other room with a glass to the wall trying to hear what he’s saying, never spied, etc.

Not my cup of tea.

Single and Happy

May 29th, 2013
9:54 am

now you know some people are GOOD at deception! and some folks are just more gullible than others

REAL MEN DO NOT SEND TEXT MESSAGES roflmao

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

May 29th, 2013
9:55 am

Morning family….. Why would anyone ever give up plausible deniability but putting your bizness in a text message???? Don’t they understand that once you hit send, it’s out there FOREVER!?!?!?!?

disco

May 29th, 2013
9:56 am

C – I laughed at “we didn’t have the conversation”. boy that’s a get out of jail free card right there. LOL!!!

leggs – re spying. for some reason your post made me think of a dude who once told me I would interrogate someone to death. lol. naw. I won’t snoop but I’ll question you up both sides and down the middle.

Button

May 29th, 2013
9:58 am

snooping is snooping whether it’s cell, pocket, closet, drawer, the cabinet in the bathroom, scaning the whole room for that matter, driving records, property records, etc etc etc.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
9:59 am

“…all the inviting love notes or raunchy text messages in the world don’t add up to cheating IF there is no actual cheating involved.”

So, are you saing “actual cheating involved” rests upon sexual contact? There are so many levels of cheating. I do realize how you feel about certain things by your posts, but are you saying a person can say anything, hint at anything, ask for anything, but it matters not if the deal isn’t closed?

What about respecting the union you have with another and not sexually playing “games” with another with or w/o the act being consummated.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
10:01 am

“…we know some people who will talk your ear off and still be up to no good.”

Button ~ they’re usually guilty too. You don’t need all that talking to convince me you’re innocent. The more you talk, the more you’re suspect (lol). Damned if you do, damned if you don’t (lololol).

Celisea

May 29th, 2013
10:01 am

disco – You know how those dudes are that play games and do the cake and icreaming…nuh uh When it’s time to get it, the getting is good, but when it’s time to take responsibility, they trrrry and default to ummm, errr, aaaah I didn’t know we were dating :shock: Get on away from me with that. lolol

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
10:02 am

Real men certainly text. Heck, many want to carry on an entire convo via text instead of holding a phone to their ear.

Button

May 29th, 2013
10:04 am

REAL MEN DO NOT SEND TEXT MESSAGES huh?

Celisea

May 29th, 2013
10:04 am

Cheating is cheating is cheating….whether it’s a situation “about” to happen or “ut oh, we done did it now.” I would leave a dude standing there still talking. I’on even wanna hear it!!! lololol Like I said, the first sign of seeing anything, Imma ask. You say you cheated, I’m out. If utter and butter and stutter, I’m out. You take the fifth, I’m out.

Sometimes you have to let folks know, you can pull that on Qi-Qi or Boomshakalaka, but ummmm I don’t think so!

Okay, I’m not reaaally feeling as militant as I might sound :)

DreamsMaterialize

May 29th, 2013
10:05 am

Texting was made for a Woman and is not for a Man.
Actually, I think the military was the first to use texting by radiotelegraphy around 1900. No women in the military back then.

MissMoni

May 29th, 2013
10:08 am

-Dreams Good point! :-D

disco

May 29th, 2013
10:09 am

leggs – I know re so many levels of cheating. of course, to me, none of those other levels matter to me. shrugs. heck, if that were the case I’d be standing up accusing men of cheating on me because they spend too much time with their kids. lol. am I saying that a guy can say/do anything? not in the least. just saying I’m not going to get myself all worked up behind a text message.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
10:11 am

“I won’t snoop but I’ll question you up both sides and down the middle.” – I’m right there. The cop/lawyer/forensic speacliast genes in my family’s genes will be front and center (lolol). Only thing missing is that big arse white light in the ceiling beaming down on you!

Celisea

May 29th, 2013
10:11 am

I will not send you silly little text messages all day. I will pick-up the phone and call you. Communication challenged men who thinks texting is “cool” are immature and child like.

I actually get what Rob is saying. I agree. Really, I like his entire 9:28. It’s a bit antiquated, but I get the point he’s making. My boo ain’t really into all that texting either. Honestly no dude I’ve dated (as in for real, like a for real relationship), was into that. I like the old fashion beating on the chest attitude. I can’t lie, I’m suspect of a dude that only or mostly communicate via text. I instantly think you’re tryna hide something or work me in rotation…lololol IJS

Robert

May 29th, 2013
10:11 am

MsAtl -” I respectfully disagree with you about “real men” not sending text messages”

We come from 2 different generations so it’s OK to agree to disagree. My generation (35-45) are less incline to use technology. When I was a young man my Father would restrict how long you could talk on the phone, and those attitudes are a part of me. Men who grow-up with other Men as a role model will not act like their Mother. You wonder why some Man act like Real Men and other don’t? Because a Real Man taught them what is appropriate and not appropriate behavior for a Man. There are too many Men who grow-up without a Fatherly figure to give them advice and show them how to be a Man. The first rule of life is self protection and your self image is very important. Excessive texting, lewd pictures and other digital content can expose yourself to subjective situations without clearly defining what is the objective. I take no pictures or send text’s. Your generation will feel the affect of too much exposure with little or no benefits. That is a fact.

Leggs

May 29th, 2013
10:12 am

“I’d be standing up accusing men of cheating on me because they spend too much time with their kids…”

Alrighty then, In that case you’ll probably deserve standing there by yourself…ijs. You went left, but I get what you’re saying..I guess (lol).