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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Moving in together?

A reader, “Vince” would like to get some advice from the Misadventures in Atlanta Blog community.  He has asked his girlfriend to move in with him after a year of dating.  He suggested that they live together out of concern for her safety, mainly.  She lives in a seedy part of town and he is constantly worried about her.

He wants to know if moving  in together has worked for other couples.  Are there any pitfalls to shacking up?

Vince thinks that since they already spend so much time together, the dynamics of their relationship won’t change.  Do you think that dating someone and living with them can alter the course of a relationship?

Have you ever moved in with your boyfriend or girlfriend?  How did it work? Do you regret the decision or was it the best option in retrospect?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

423 comments Add your comment

Lee

May 23rd, 2013
7:14 am

Everyone has some kind of regret in their lives. If you start out with thinking you are going to regret this decision you mostly will regret it.

You need to do what is best for you but do not have her come if you believe it is only temporary that is not fair to her. I think you really need to ask yourself are you going to marry her, if not maybe find her an apartment where it is safer for her to live.

The week is almost over with. Yippie

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 23rd, 2013
8:42 am

If by ‘dynamics’, he means the way they interact – he’s wrong.

If by dynamics, he’s thinking her expectations won’t change – he dead wrong.

Moving in together is a step in a process, one that comes with entitled behaviors on the parts of both people (him: sex, housework/her: marriage). If he’s moving her in because of genuine concern for her safety only, well, then, the battle’s already lost (read: road to marriage).

There were plenty of ladies that I would ‘meet’ because of my own safety concerns.

If he’s moving her in because he’s concerned enough about where she lives that he wants to change that dynamic, then, well, the next step is marriage. And he should only move with that intention.

Button

May 23rd, 2013
8:58 am

Dan- I agree with everything you said.
I’m wondering though, is marriage on his mind? what are his intentions other than moving her from her seedy location? There are so many questions.
Have you ever moved in with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Yes, we moved in together rather quickly. 2 months after meeting each other, then we moved to Atlanta. Thnking back all I can say is wow at my decision. I don’t regret it at all. I won’t advise anyone to move as fast as I did. It worked for us and we just knew we were the one for each other. We got married 6 months later.
Vince if you’re having reservations then don’t do it. Maybe you can help or suggest that your gf move to another part of town that’s not so seedy and offer assistance with her living expense.

MissMoni

May 23rd, 2013
8:59 am

Good Thursday Morning MIA!!! :-)

I have never moved in with a boyfriend, however I have had 1 move in with me. He lived with me for 6 months and I ended up putting him out for infidelity & being disrespectful. I was 27 years old then and I made up in my mind that is something that I would NEVER do again. My take on “shacking” is that I’m not allowing any man to live with me if we’re not married. You live and learn.

If Vince is not ready to get married, then he can nominate some safer neighborhoods for her to move to, but I wouldn’t suggest her moving in with him.

Single and Happy

May 23rd, 2013
9:03 am

Hello all, now this is a easy one for me, Never have shacked, never will shack, if you move in my house and we’re sharing a bed them courthouse here we come, and this will happen the day you move in, unless it’s on a weekend then it will happen the day before.

disco

May 23rd, 2013
9:09 am

good morning.

lee – I thought most regrets started with a good idea. lol. you always hear folks say it sounded like a good idea at the time.

lol – marriage might be jumping the gun. they can just be “roommates with benefits”.

moni – I read your post and was thinking if it ever comes to me shacking I’ve most def got to move in his house. I pity the man that moves into mine.

SlimNu

May 23rd, 2013
9:11 am

Morning ya’ll,

So far what Lee and Dan have said makes sense…

SlimNu

May 23rd, 2013
9:16 am

disco – I can see you not allowing a man to unpack his suitcase if he moved in with you. And he’d only be able to use the small azz coat closet in the foyer to hang his pants lolol He would not be allowed to by any personal items larger than the 2oz travel sizes, toothbrush included. And once you left the house for work, his ass would have to also find somewhere to go. Can’t be all laying on your couch, eating all your food, watching your tv, and soaking up all your clean a/c while you’re doing your job :lol:

Single and Happy

May 23rd, 2013
9:17 am

I have a bigger question, how long has she lived in this “unsafe” neighborhood? Is it really “unsafe”, or is Vince just boogie! And why is he trying to be Capt save a hoe!! If he really want to save her then marry her.

Disco, the only benefit from a roommate is paying half the bills! When they don’t have their half they got to go!

MissMoni

May 23rd, 2013
9:18 am

-Disco Why do you pity the man that moves in yours? LOL, because I KNOW you’d have some RULES!!! I can’t see myself moving in with a man who is not my husband because I don’t want him to have the power to tell me to get out. That’s being a bit too vulnerable for my liking. I don’t like being in a position where a man can hang something over my head and use it as leverage. That’s why ever since I left Mama’s house I’ve always had my own. ;-)

Button

May 23rd, 2013
9:24 am

MissMoni – what was the reason he moved in with you? Do you think the outcome would’ve been different had you moved in with him?

I don’t like the word shacking up. it’s so old and outdated.

Leggs

May 23rd, 2013
9:25 am

Vince thinks that since they already spend so much time together, the dynamics of their relationship won’t change. – Vince, are you serious? Of course the dynamics will change. There’s a mental shift from spending a lot of time together to living together. Now that you’re living together, some things may be less tolerable while others won’t even warrant the side eye. It’s something you can’t avoid, living together changes the brain’s synapses. It just does.

Do you think that dating someone and living with them can alter the course of a relationship? – Most definitely. Playing house is not all peaches and creams.

Good morning.

Button

May 23rd, 2013
9:27 am

SlimNu – LMBO @ 9:16

disco

May 23rd, 2013
9:27 am

slim – you got it bout right. lol.

moni – I just can’t see it. his manhood would be at stake moving in with me. not that I’d be reminding him of what was mine but it would most definitely be understood. I would rather be in his space. if he felt like putting me out, that’s cool, put me out. peace. lol.

Durty Burd

May 23rd, 2013
9:27 am

Good Morning!

Hola MissMoni

Dude is trying to lock down the puddy. lol I have lived with someone you live and learn and it did not work out. Immaturity was lacking in both of us.I could not put up with her habit, they were bad enough to keep me from marrying her. I am not against people living with each other. U just have to have the financial details worked out before you move in together.

IMO opinion folks find out they cannot adjust to the other person day to day habits that is usually why folks get divorce.

Leggs

May 23rd, 2013
9:30 am

Dan/Button/Single ~ I agree. I was wondering if “marriage” was on his mind down the road. If simply moving her in to remove the seedy factor, what happens 3 years from now, 5 years from now. If marriage isn’t on his mind, is there a certain amount of time before he helps her find a safer place to live. Why not simply help her move to a safer place? Perhaps marriage thoughts are forming in the back of his mind.

MissMoni

May 23rd, 2013
9:30 am

-Button He moved in because he didn’t want to live with his parents anymore, too many rules. But here’s the thing, unless your name is on the lease or mortgage, you are going to have rules living with someone else. You can’t just be doing whatever all willy nilly like that’s the thing to do. Honestly Button, I was either going to jail or hell if I would’ve continued to let him stay with me! So I don’t think the outcome would’ve been different had I moved in with him, his behavior still would’ve been the same.

Durty Burd

May 23rd, 2013
9:31 am

It’s funny how the ladies mentioned he should help her financially to find a better place…Spending Vince’s money already…lol

Disco no one can live with u. U have that mean spiritness in u…Better to date you! hehehehehe

Know MissMoni—That is marrying material right there… :)

Durty Burd

May 23rd, 2013
9:35 am

During the financial crisis, I know quite a few people who moved in together. It became a trend for folks to moved in together. Now they may have a better idea they are ready for marriage.

Rep Brooks was having a new conference and charging for it..WTH..

Button

May 23rd, 2013
9:35 am

I’m not against or for living together, just make sure your ducks are in it’s row before doing it.

I’ve seen cases where it’s working just fine while there are others where it’s a nightmare. It’s all about attitude. Knowing what you’re getting into that counts. Having a plan whether it’s marriage(hopefully) or just living together for a specific time.

Some states have the common law marriage. Does GA have that law?

disco

May 23rd, 2013
9:36 am

durty – I agree. I’m sure he tossed in that unsafe neighborhood in a feeble attempt to sound like he’s the man.

MissMoni

May 23rd, 2013
9:40 am

Hola Durty!

I would also like to go on record and say that I believe that a person should live on their own BEFORE they get married OR attempt to live with someone else. You as an individual need to know what it’s like to pay your own bills, maintain a household budget, grocery shop, etc. I say this because it’s too many people moving in together (to include married couples) and the finances go haywire because they have NO experience successfully maintaining their own. They have gotten used to splurging 1st and NOT having to pay ANY bills so they have a hard time adjusting. Truth is, some folks don’t want to adjust.

You’d be surprised the number of people who have NO intentions of ever taking care of themselves, they’re OK with someone else doing it.

Button

May 23rd, 2013
9:42 am

MissMoni – understand.

Durty – lol @ digging in the man pocket! I’m saying if he’s so worried about her safety then dig deep to help her move to safer grounds. Either the gf can’t because her resources won’t allow or she’s happy there.

disco

May 23rd, 2013
9:43 am

moni – where do I sign up for someone else to take care of me? is there a waiting list? lol.

Single and Happy

May 23rd, 2013
9:43 am

disco, I have to wonder about “unsafe”. If you let the media tell it I live in an “unsafe” county, how the hell a whole county going to be unsafe. She’s probably living where SHE can afford to live. So even if she moves, is he going to help her pay for the new place. IMHO no woman should live with a man, w/o marriage, and if you do, make sure you’re covered if something happens, IE: you’re the beneficiary on everything, not his mama!

Also have enough money saved up so you can leave if you have to.

Button not many states have common law any more, either you’re married or you’re not.

Leggs

May 23rd, 2013
9:43 am

I pity the man that moves into mine.

disco ~ I immediately thought of a house like Fred Sanford (lololol) only because I think Ester said “I pity” a lot. Then again, I thought you may be too metic*u*lous (borerline OCD) with too many rules for a man to be comfortable. You might “snap” cuz he left the toothpaste top in the sink.

Leggs

May 23rd, 2013
9:44 am

I see you guys also jumped on “moving into her house.”

MissMoni

May 23rd, 2013
9:46 am

-Disco SugarDaddy.com comes to mind right off the top of my head, LOL!!! Seriously, I just don’t get the people (women AND men) whose soul purpose is to get with someone who will take care of them while they do the absolute least that they can.

Button

May 23rd, 2013
9:47 am

This is just me, but I date men who live in a certian zip code/part of town. It speaks of his personality and character and his cleaniness. I’m just saying you are a product of your environment.

Maybe Vince should dig deep to see why she lives in a seedy neighborhood. I’m just saying.

MissMoni

May 23rd, 2013
9:52 am

-Button Some things do happen that are beyond a person’s control. Just because someone lives in a “seedy” part of town doesn’t mean they are less than or dirty. A person makes a choice as to whether or not they will become a product of their environment. There are people everyday who have defied the odds/statistics and became what some people said they couldn’t/wouldn’t. Now, if she’s been there for 10 years and has NO intentions on moving then, this is a red flag.

Leggs

May 23rd, 2013
9:54 am

“…speaks of his personality and character and his cleaniness….” – I had to laugh. I know people living in nice zip codes who are slobs. That definitely is not a true indicator.

DreamsMaterialize

May 23rd, 2013
9:55 am

Morning
Living in a “seedy” neighborhood sounds like Vince’s justification not his reason. I’m not sure what his reason is, but he should make sure that he’s really ready to live with someone else. You get to know all the ins and outs of a person when you live with them. It also means some compromise on your part. I personally enjoy having my own space and rules, not having to be accountable to anyone else. One of the reasons marriage is not on the radar for me.

Some states have the common law marriage. Does GA have that law?
Button Only a handful of states still allow common law marriage. Georgia is not one of them.

Celisea

May 23rd, 2013
9:56 am

Vince Vince Vince, take it from me…there’s a HUGE difference in being together most of the time versus all the (dang) time…lol I did it for about seven years and I will NEVER do it again. For me, personally and IMO, so much goes/gets/become missing. If safety is your concern, she should move…IF that’s your concern.

I don’t really get safety being an issue and moving together is the next step. IMO there are so many things in between that giant leap that she can considered.

Now, if it’s in-house booty you want, well say so…lololol :) I tell you though, that becomes suffocating (I’m speaking for self) after awhile and if things (or both individuals) aren’t ready and where they should be…mentally, emotionally, financially, SPIRITUALLY. Nothing spiritual ’bout shacking…THAT’S JUST MY OPINION….

Single and Happy

May 23rd, 2013
9:56 am

disco

May 23rd, 2013
9:57 am

button – dig deep? really? it’s likely just like single said, she lives where she can afford to live. it’s not complicated. I spoke to a friend last night who just moved into a less than desirable neighborhood. she said she literally has to step over folks and ask them to move just to get in and out of her apartment. folks do what they gotta do.

Celisea

May 23rd, 2013
9:58 am

if things (or both individuals) aren’t ready and where they should be…mentally, emotionally, financially, SPIRITUALLY, then it won’t last

….finishing up my statement

Button

May 23rd, 2013
9:59 am

MissMoni- Living in a seedy part of town is a choice. If it means working overtime, two jobs even three, you can live in better living conditions. trust me I know. Even Dunwoody has affordable places to live.

Celisea

May 23rd, 2013
9:59 am

I can’t knock where she lives. I’m sure if she could pick the mansion on a hill, she would.

disco

May 23rd, 2013
10:02 am

button – where do you come from? some folks work 2 or 3 pieces of jobs to be able to live in so-called bad neighborhoods. just because folks don’t make a lot of money doesn’t mean they are lazy or unwilling to work. circumstances can be a mother. sometimes those bad neighborhoods are come up from the even worse neighborhood they used to live in.

Celisea

May 23rd, 2013
10:02 am

If it means working overtime, two jobs even three, you can live in better living conditions.

Hmmm, maybe she’s got kids and can’t afford stay late. Maybe she’s got that six o’clock window for picking them up. Maybe she don’t have relatives that she CAN PAY (cause ain’t nothing free) to watch her kids. Maybe she’s on the bottom tier of the pay scale and doing like so many others, working her way….which BTW takes time. Maybe the neighborhood ain’t that great, but her home is clean and it’s all the safe haven (and pray) before heading out that she can do right now.

Sooo many ways this can go without assuming

Button

May 23rd, 2013
10:04 am

Leggs – I’m talking about the neighborhood, not what ppl do in the privacy of their home. I look at the way the neighborhood is kept. Nice manicured lawn, no trash spewing everywhere. I’m advoate of HOA.

disco

May 23rd, 2013
10:06 am

button – I’ve lived in places where I could practically tell time by what time the neighborhood craps game got going under the tree or what time the dog fights started. I’ve lived in places where you could never see out your peephole because the police always put masking tape on it before they raided someone in the building. like celisea said, getting out (if that’s your desire) can be a long, tedious process.

Single and Happy

May 23rd, 2013
10:08 am

button, it’s not a problem for her, it’s a problem for him. If that’s the area she grew up in, she’s used to it!

Button

May 23rd, 2013
10:09 am

disco- I come from a place where the lawns were manicured and no trash spewing everywhere. A place where ppl took care of their property and was proud of it.

Celisea – what you’re saying is something I’ve lived after becoming a single parent. Trust it can be done. I chose to live in better conditions for myself and my family. And yes I worked a full time job and did hair on the side and stuff letter and did whatever else I could do to make sure my family was in a decent clean neighborhood. So yes it can be done. It’s call CHOICES.

MsAtl

May 23rd, 2013
10:12 am

Morning All!

Button- Common Law marriage was abolished in Georgia. If you were living together before (I think) 1997, then you are deemed to be married and must get a legal divorce. Otherwise, you are just living together.
I agree that Vince needs to examine his reasons for wanting his girlfriend to move in with him. If it is merely to get her to a safer place and he has no long-term intentions, then he probably should not ask her to move in.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 23rd, 2013
10:13 am

Georgia is a common law state (7 years), but it is not a community property state.

As for ’shacking’, I’ve said before that it’s not really an issue IF the plans are for the relationship to progess. If it doesn’t work out from there, that’s what it is. But, I’m a proponent for knowing the person (and their crazy) before you sign up for that LT committment. And what better way to learn that she doesn’t shower, wash clothes, clean dishes until it’s absolutely necessary? And what better way to find out he doesn’t shower but once every two weeks, take out the trash, or cook (at all)?

There are issues that people don’t find out about until they move in together. There are also things like how you all handle conflict resolution that matter. Waiting until after the ‘bloom falls off the rose’ to learn these things the hard way may not end well. So learn your partner as quickly as possible.

DreamsMaterialize

May 23rd, 2013
10:14 am

I’m advoate of HOA.
Button Maybe sometimes. Often the HOA is full of sh!t. There’s a long list of HOA’s that are in legal disputes with the residents because they weren’t doing what they were supposed to, or because they stole the money. They can also be used to bully other residents for personal reasons. I’ve seen the politics of it in play…it’s not nice. Neighbors can be pretty nasty, especially if they happen to be on the board of the HOA and use it at their personal weapon.

Single and Happy

May 23rd, 2013
10:15 am

Button, why you jumping on what she should do, from what diva posted, VINCE has the problem not her.

Celisea

May 23rd, 2013
10:15 am

Button – Like you, I did all those things as well towards becoming better, but for me and my journey, it was not easy and it was not quick. I chose better as well, but I had to takes step towards “better.” Just because a person is in one station, it should be assumed they aren’t working towards better.

I too, grew up struggling. We lived in a house and the neighborhood wasn’t seedy but all the other struggles were there. I’m just saying growth is just that. It’s not overnight and it often never seems like you’re moving. I agree with disco, without the snap judgement made, how do we know she moved from a shack or the sticks or a warzone into what can now be called “just a little bit better?” How do we know this ain’t a step in her comeuppance.

I say this all nice and lightly but don’t no one on this blog EVER call me booghie, Ms.Thang, stuck-up, etc etc etc IJS

Button

May 23rd, 2013
10:15 am

Dreams/MsAtl – I wasn’t sure about GA. Thanks.