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Ex’s wedding: Go or decline?

One of our readers was invited to attend her ex-fiance’s wedding.  The two of them have a really long history, having gone from friends to lovers, and back to friends again.  The problem is that her new guy and his bride-to-be don’t know that they were once a couple.

Should she disclose the fact that they hooked up to her new man?  Should she go to the wedding of her ex?  What would you do?

Do you think that it is appropriate to invite a former flame, lover, or spouse to your wedding?  Would it bother you if your mate wanted  to have someone from their past at an important event like wedding, graduation, etc.?

What is the proper etiquette when your ex is getting married? If there are still some feelings involved, is it best to stay away?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

431 comments Add your comment

Exiled

May 8th, 2013
7:02 am

Well….this has ‘Scandal’ written All over it before the wedding day!!

Is there a secret pact between the friends_lovers_now_friends? If none then why the dual secrecy that smells coordination?

It’s like they’re still smashing or they understand each other more than their partners understand them?

Hmmmmm

This is Shenanigans2(squared)!!!!

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
7:03 am

I never understood these type of friendships. Once things have ended, move on. What benefit is it to remain friends annnd have to keep secrets? It’s a secret cause ya both know better. Nothing wrong with the fact that these folks were “formers”, as they had no idea of future turn of events, however and IMO , going to weddings of exes just ain’t cool. If it were, they both would disclose and put it all on the table.

Absofreakinlutely, I’d take issue with my boo going to an ex’s wedding……and he’s not come clean. A bad situation waiting to happen…

BBL when I get into work :)

Lee

May 8th, 2013
7:06 am

Do you think that it is appropriate to invite a former flame, lover, or spouse to your wedding? Not sure if it is appropriate or not, but i would not invite them–i see that is setting yourself up for drama.

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
7:11 am

Oh brother, the “hero” is on GMA….drinking Redbull and giving one word answers or “mmm mmm” as a response. Lawd, he’s veering off into where he’s from and the hs he attended.

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
7:13 am

He’s acting “funny” today. TOTAL opposite of the jumping bean yesterday. GS cut the interview…bruuutha

Into the Light

May 8th, 2013
7:44 am

Good morning, all!

If they are just friends now, then why don’t either of their SOs know it? I think it’s going to be very awkward if it ever comes out.

IMO, keep it moving and send your regrets.

Penelope

May 8th, 2013
7:56 am

Hello, peepsykins

This is not the best idea.

Y’all be sweet now, ya hear!

Hazel

May 8th, 2013
8:11 am

Why is she even speaking to him? Respect your mate and leave the past behind. Proper etiquette is to send him a gift as he invited her and never speak to him again. He has moved on, now its YOUR turn gf

MissMoni

May 8th, 2013
8:15 am

GOOD Wednesday Morning MIA!!!

Nope, not going to any ex’s wedding and I’m NOT inviting any of them to mine. WHO does that??? And what’s with keeping the PAST relationship a secret from your current mate? Makes you wonder if there’s something else they’re hiding. . .

Now I did go to the funeral of an ex’s mom. His wife was there and she looked a bit uncomfortable because all of his family knew me and spoke well of me. I ONLY went out of respect and his mom and I had a really good relationship. I found out that she still had pics of me in her collection of family photos. Anyway, that was the ONLY time I went to an event of an ex.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2013
8:16 am

I’m not certain I’d want to attend an exes wedding? I don’t really see the point.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2013
8:18 am

Then how is it that these two had such a looooong history and the current SO/fiance has no clue they ever dated??? Hmph, something doesn’t seem right…seems that would’ve come up at some point.

MissMoni

May 8th, 2013
8:22 am

-SlimNu Hey!!! We’re thinking on the same thing this morning, something is fishy-fishy, LOL!!!

Into the Light

May 8th, 2013
8:31 am

co-sign MissMoni and Slim. Something doesn’t add up….

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 8th, 2013
8:43 am

I don’t see why you wouldn’t attend.

I can see why the (future) Mrs. would not be happy about it. And know why a guy wouldn’t be happy about it. But I think both sexes would be upset behind finding out that an ex is still in your life *after* the wedding.

If they’re ‘friends’ let it be what it is (as opposed to dealing with the ‘what was’).

Single and Happy

May 8th, 2013
8:51 am

Hey all

If you’re just friends with no relationship baggage, then go to the wedding, who you’ve dated in the past is none of S/O business.

Everyone doesn’t meet people and date them right away, some people actually have long friendships, date and decide they are better as friends and can be grown up about it.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2013
8:56 am

fishy fisssshhhhyyyyy :lol:

Plus, how are you going to try to explain at the last minute when everybody at the wedding is telling you hello and giving you the sideeye like whatchudurrrring here and does your ‘boo’ knowboutdis? If the SO has any sense at all, he’ll pickup on it.

SlimNu

May 8th, 2013
8:57 am

TMI: I had some steamed cabbage for dinner last night and i’m shole going to be crop dustin my arse off today. Betta stay outta my cube :oops: :lol:

Check yall a bit later ;-)

DreamsMaterialize

May 8th, 2013
9:01 am

Morning
So let me get this straight. Woman is in a relationship with a guy, and he doesn’t know she’s been engaged. Guy is marrying a woman, and she doesn’t know that he was once engaged. Although there’s no need for me to know about every dude who’s ever taken my girl on a date before me, I would be upset to find out that she had been engaged before if it weren’t coming from her, especially if I found out at the ex fiancé’s wedding. Sounds shady.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 8th, 2013
9:08 am

@S/H

I might be in the minority, but who my S/O’s, including my wife, dated was very important to me.

I didn’t need to know names, places, details; but I wanted to know about their personalities, temperments, goals, ambitions, and why they broke up. Who you’ve dated and how it ended says more about you than you realize. And for me, withholding those details would be tantamount to lying.

@Dreams

I didn’t read where they were engaged, but to my point above, a relationship that went that far definitely needs to be disclosed/discussed.

BTW, are you wearing the Maroon blazer or the seer-sucker suit with the white hat?

disco

May 8th, 2013
9:11 am

good morning. y’all know me. it’s no biggie. if someone thinks enough of you to invite you then you are free to go if you choose. if you choose not to, that’s cool too. I think a bigger issue would be the uninvited ex crashing the wedding. re her new man. she can tell him or not tell him. whatever.

celisea – old boy has tuned it down. he was excited early on. the newness of it all is wearing off.

MsAtl

May 8th, 2013
9:12 am

Morning All!

First off, I think she should have disclosed her previous engagement to her current guy (assuming they are serious) and the former flame should have disclosed that information to his bride to be.
Regardless whether it is disclosed or not, I would not be going to my ex’s wedding nor would I invite him to mine should I get married again.
Close to topic- last week I received an email from the ex-husband with a picture of his kids and him expressiing that they are very sweet girls and he really wants me to meet them. Are you kidding me? No thank you to meeting kids whose conception was the reason I left him. That ship has sailed and will not be coming back.

disco

May 8th, 2013
9:13 am

dan – maybe you don’t need the name but sounds like you sure want some details. lol.

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:18 am

but I wanted to know about……..Who you’ve dated and how it ended says more about you than you realize.

I disagree. The past is the past and really it’s nunya to a new person, stuff about the past or fomer love. The thing about new relationships is that it’s for the two of you to learn as you grow. Folks ain’t big enough to hear about the past (not saying shady) and don’t pass judgement. Say she says they fought a lot. Maybe it was him, I mean really him. Can you take that with a grain of salt and move forward sans any preconceived notions?

Now as it relates to today’s topic, if it’s a situation where you or I wanted to attend the wedding of an ex, in that case, yes you should disclose before you get there. Frankly though, I wouldn’t go and I would be offended if asked to go or if someone “runs it by me” that they’re going to see an ex ride off into the sunset. But again, no major event going on that I need to know about, then I don’t need to know about your past love(s) either.

Of course just my lil humble opinion :)

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:19 am

disco – I guess…lolol I couldn’t tell if he was just sleepy or hit it one time this morning before going on air. A couple of questions he just sat there like a hot second. One of the question George asked, he responded with “mmm hmmm”….and George waited for more…lololol

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 8th, 2013
9:20 am

@Disco

I don’t need to know if she “liked it thataway” but I do want know about the dude’s mindstate and how it ended.

For example, I once dated a girl that was in a physically abusive relationship. I didn’t find that out until after we were over and she was trying to explain some of her behaviors. That admission shed light on a whooooollleee lot of stuff after the fact.

Since then, I’ve been interested in a woman’s past, psychology in general, and the effect of personalities in relationships in particular.

I like to know the crazy I’m dealing with.

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:26 am

Really, past engagements and stuff like that are major and I would think, would eventually come up over time. I don’t think though you should be obligated to do a rundown to your new boo.

From experience and as for me, as you unfold and get closer those “type” conversations are inevitable. You can’t help but open up when trust is there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m talking more so on the upswing of things being positive and you feel you can trust this person with everything. Yeah, some things will come up and be disclosed. But really, that’s something (for me) that happens when we ebb and flow and talk and jive and mesh….conversational type things while having dinner or sitting outside or riding together. And then things you can now laugh about. Not how many times I got into fights or how many times I had to call the cops (not saying me…just examples), how many times he hooked up with your sister or your girls, or how many partners, or if you’ve only done FWBs type situations, etc etc etc. Why would you want someone to know that??

Just a few things why you ain’t gotta or better yet shouldn’t disclose your past….lololol

disco

May 8th, 2013
9:26 am

dan – lol. you are one of those folks that’s interested in the mechanics of everything. one of those counselor/social worker types with all that why why why stuff? why do you feel that way? why do you act that way? why you do the thangs you do? lol. just last week a friend of mine called me talking about a disagreement she and her hubs had re buying her son shoes. she goes on and on about how hubs wasn’t allowed to wear sneakers as a child and that’s why he has X pair now. I’m like really? who the heck cares? buy the shoes, don’t buy the shoes. I don’t need to hear your hubs’ childhood history behind some dang shoes.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 8th, 2013
9:35 am

@Cel

As always, you’re entitled to your opinion, we simply disagree about the fact.

If they argued, and it was hime, always him, that too will come to light.

To say that the past is prologue, does not affect the present and holds no wieght for the future, sounds unrealistic to me.

Of course how one dealt with – hopefully to move past and grow – from past relationships is the most important thing. But, there’s no doubt that a relationship that one engaged in, especially a LT one, affected the people that were in it; more times in ways that the next person has to deal with.

To not disclose certain aspects (abuse – physical, mental and emotional, STDs, etc) about a past relationship is withholding information. And to do so with someone that you (hope) to spend the rest of your life with is….troubling. And there’s no judgement, more often than not it provided me with an understanding of the woman’s character, as well as her personality.

Those that don’t learn history (and her story) are doomed to repeat it.

disco

May 8th, 2013
9:42 am

dan – I know what you mean and understand your point re understanding history and backgrounds and all. it sounds like (to me) you are trying to do a psychoanalysis of folks you date. like you want to break down everything about them and try to figure out what everything means. sometimes stuff just is what it is.

Leggs

May 8th, 2013
9:43 am

“Should she disclose the fact that they hooked up to her new man?” – WHY? Where’s the point in doing that? That may just invite unnecessary speculation and distrust going forward. I see no reason for a person to disclose past relationships to new relationships, especially if they don’t run in the same circles.

“Should she go to the wedding of her ex?” – No. What would you do? Since we were engaged, broke up, stayed FWB, then stopped doing that and he’s now marrying someone other than myself, why go? Again, unnecessary emotional topsy turvey. Let him start his new life with his new bride, our real estate with each other has been foreclosed upon!

Good morning!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 8th, 2013
9:43 am

@Disco

I learned early on that of the “5 W’s”, ‘why’ is always the most important.

Without understanding someones motivation, you don’t really know the person.

As for the knowing the backstory, I don’t need specific details, but they help paint the picture.

Leggs

May 8th, 2013
9:45 am

“Lawd, he’s veering off into where he’s from and the hs he attended.” – Celisea, I laughed when he mentioned his hs and George mentioned his and held up the Peace sign, then paused and said “oh, that makes us rivals.”

Exiled

May 8th, 2013
9:45 am

Celisea..dude from Ohio is going to get Major money from Mcdonalds! I think his life has completely turned around. He kept mentioning Mickidee on the interviews,’Big Mac’ and so forth.

Last nite,there was a tweet that showed up on tv as a commercial to him,mentioning his name as a hero and said,’we will be in touch’.

If I’m not mistaken(correct me MsAtl) I think that’s binding right there.

They’re going to give him a windfall.

I am proud for him

Now he can get his proper house on
His jacked teeth touched up
And his Afro hair did nice :lol:

KaChing!

kimmie

May 8th, 2013
9:46 am

Morning All!!

If it was an innocent situation, the fact that they were once a couple would be known to everyone involved, especially a former engagement. How they kept it “secret” is beyond me, unless ex-fiance is marrying someone he just met yesterday. Which means something foul is going on. Why some folks gotta be messy about stuff is beyond me, but I guess when you’re living foul that’s par for the course.

And why oh why can’t folks just MOVE ON and leave others to MOVE ON???

Whoever this MIA “reader” is, she knows exactly what time it is. Sounds almost like some of that mess folks write in to Steve Harvey on those Strawberry Letters. “Oh whatever should I do?” – yeah miss me with that!!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

May 8th, 2013
9:47 am

@Disco

I do a psycsho anlaysis on everyone I know, meet, interact with. Not full on diagnosis, but definitely a quick shot.

It better informs that gut “I don’t cufk with her/him” feeling and it helps inform my “hmm, I like this person” feeling too.

And few things just “are what they are”, especially people.

MissMoni

May 8th, 2013
9:49 am

-Ex He had an interview last night with Anderson Cooper and he said he doesn’t want the reward money. He wants it to go to the girls who were held captive.

disco

May 8th, 2013
9:50 am

dan – why may be the most important but why is the most difficult one to confirm or prove. when answering why all you really have to go on is what someone tells you or what you speculate. ask a kid why they took a cookie out of the cookie jar. because it was there. because they were hungry. because another kid dared them to. because they really love oreos. they can answer why but you have to trust what they are telling you. sometimes, when it’s all said and done, why just doesn’t matter. of course, this is just how I think. it’s “why” I get irked every time the news focuses on “why” instead of reporting the facts that they can confirm.

hey kimmie!!!!

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:52 am

Dan – Actually, I get and understand your reasoning. I just think to delve a bit too deep in a person’s past could potentially send things in the wrong direction for what may be a good relationship. The possibilities are endless when there’s the nu nu going on…lol I think to hear about a person’s past and then decide is the wrong thing to do. How can you truly guage without knowing fully both folks involved?? The dynamics of your current’s past relationship could vastly differ from your interaction with her…but okay, we’ll agree to disagree.

Leggs – I might be wrong for this, but I was on pins and needles that he kept it to a minimum. I laughed too, and wondered where the heck he was about to go with the hs stuff. And Lawd, the peace sign…lolol I’m telling you, I was nervous…lol

Mmello – He might, but I have a feeling is window of fame will close quicker than the usual 15 minutes…lol He better cash in now!!!

MsAtl

May 8th, 2013
9:52 am

Exiled- I didn’t see the tweet or the commercial, but my first thought would be that it is too vague to be seen as an enforceable contract. Plus, we’ll be in touch could mean anything; they can contact him to give him coupons for free food.

kimmie

May 8th, 2013
9:55 am

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:55 am

I know he don’t favor George Jefferson, but I want to scream “Weazaaaa” when I see him…lol

I know, bad bad Celisea

MissMoni

May 8th, 2013
9:57 am

-Celisea There’s a pic on FB with him next to the barber from Coming to America! When I tell you that they look like brothers for real, LMBO!!! :-D

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:57 am

disco – Your 9:50 is spot on. Very good breakdown of why Dan should be psycho-analyzing folks….lol No harm Dan, when I say that.

All you’ll do is make folks lie, that want to lie. The best way to know if a person is good for you is to find out for yourself, through your experience with them.

disco

May 8th, 2013
9:57 am

C – on the radio this morning one person said he looked like a broke down nick ashford. another said vampire in Brooklyn.

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:57 am

MissMoni – I just hollered…lolololol

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:58 am

disco….lolololol

_______________________flatline___________________

whew buddy

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
9:59 am

And google or do a background check. But for all that’s good and right, don’t ask them. Folks will say what you want to hear.

MissMoni

May 8th, 2013
10:00 am

-Celisea/Disco LOL, he is a dead ringer for the barber!!!

kimmie

May 8th, 2013
10:01 am

Concerning Charles, he seems like a good guy. One radio station this morning mentioned he may have a “past” that he doesn’t want broadcast for the whole world to know. They said they hope the media is nice to him and doesn’t go digging and crucify the poor guy. Let him have his moment in the sun and leave him be.

Celisea

May 8th, 2013
10:02 am

LOLOLOL….I just laughed again