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Dating: The jealousy test

One of my guy friends has a girlfriend who has a bad habit of intentionally flirting in front of him.  Thomas said that he believed it started as something harmless that she would do in a joking way.   Lately, he is starting to think she is doing it to get a reaction out of him.

Thomas can be laid back and relaxed and it takes a lot to get a “reaction” out of him.  I believe this is the kind of thing he would dump a girl over.  He said that he is used to women putting him through little tests, but this jealousy test is not something that sits well with him.

I can’t imagine putting that much energy into making a man jealous, but I suppose this is a way to get some attention.

How would you handle a date that purposely tried to make you jealous?  Would that be a deal breaker?  How do you know when it has gone too far?

Do you think jealousy has its place  in a relationship?  Is there such a thing as a healthy dose of jealousy to “show” you still care?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

261 comments Add your comment

Exiled

April 23rd, 2013
6:39 am

Test…if he knows it is a test the guess what…it is a test..ignore her and ignore it.
But he may need to just dump her because she is a drama Queen..Period!

And just as well,he is learning that early.

If you value something..a person,car,money.etc..you guard them/it against ‘compromise’,theft,etc. It is a natural reaction. Now people react to different perceived situations seemingly threatening their object of value differently.
Some are hands on,All in your face and others are seemingly laid back but have their own coping mechanism.

Like with anything folks will choose based on their own personal inclinations etc.

Do you!

Hey MIA.

Exiled

April 23rd, 2013
6:40 am

Lee

April 23rd, 2013
7:09 am

Well if i was him i would dump her. I would see that behavior as her wanting more, and she could have at it. No one wants to feel “second place” to the person they are dating and doing that right in front of him is plain rude.
If that is a test –that is going to far and full of drama. You can do the test once not over and over again, and there are better ways to test someone than what she is doing. No one likes to be tested like that, in my opinion

MissMoni

April 23rd, 2013
7:26 am

GOOD Tuesday Morning MIA!!!

My stance is why waste time & energy trying to make someone jealous. Honestly, I just think that there is something more productive that a person can do to get attention from their mate. It’s something that should be addressed, especially if he’s uncomfortable and if she continues to do these little tests then he should just cut his losses.

Some people thrive off of drama and I’m not one of them. Ain’t nobody got time for that!!!

Button

April 23rd, 2013
8:22 am

a bad habit of intentionally flirting in front of him. Is he sure it’s a habit and not her personality? There’s not enough information to garner what’s really going on but I can say this though, a woman or man who continually flirt is a for sure deal breaker. Where’s the respect? How long will it be before someone crosses the line? I’m sure the other person on the receiving end has some kind of say. Suppose the reciever takes the flirting serious. Sounds like the making of a crazy lifetime movie. lol

I’m sure if the tables were turned and it was him who had a bad habit of flirting she would dump him.

I’ve never heard the phrase a healthy dose of jealousy.

I’m a jealous person. Not extremely jealous but it’s there. I know how to handle it when the green monter raises it’s ugly head. I absolutely wouldn’t go for my man flirting with other woman esp intentionally.

Good morning!

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

April 23rd, 2013
8:31 am

MissMoni

April 23rd, 2013
8:40 am

Good Morning Court! I see you’re bringing the topic appropriate jams this morning! :-)

MsAtl

April 23rd, 2013
8:41 am

Morning All!

A test? No, she is flat out disrespectful. You shouldn’t feel the need to resort to childish games to see if someone still cares. If a man did it to me, I would take it as a sign of disrespect and move on; If he would do it in front of me, what wouldn’t he do behind my back? As far as a “healthy dose of jealousy,” no thank you. We see on the news on a regular basis that jealousy isn’t so good for some folks’ health; yoou never know how someone will react.
Like MissMoni said- ain’t nobody got time for that…

SlimNu

April 23rd, 2013
8:55 am

How old, or should I say, how YOUNG is this chick?!!!! There is some deeper issues with this girl that need to be addressed. How would she feel if he were flirting in front of her? STUPID –> Next!

Good morning lovelies…I tried out that Zzquil stuff last night and it had me out like a light. Only thing is I woke up around 5 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. ;-)

MissMoni

April 23rd, 2013
9:00 am

-SlimNu You have to time it just right when you take it so you won’t have that 5am wide eyed look. :-)

Reio

April 23rd, 2013
9:03 am

Mornin, folks.

How would you handle a date that purposely tried to make you jealous?
Make that the last date.

Would that be a deal breaker?
Of course. Why not?

disco

April 23rd, 2013
9:03 am

good morning.

like button I have to wonder if old girl doesn’t just have a flirtatious personality. lots of people do. they couldn’t stop flirting if they wanted to. I know some little kids that are already well on their way to being full-fledged flirts. it is what it is. if it’s not a personality thing, then old girl is just playing games. he can play with her or he doesn’t have to. choice is his.

SlimNu

April 23rd, 2013
9:11 am

MissMoni – You have a point there…I didn’t take it until 9:30-9:40ish so I may have to take it a bit later.

disco – For folks that have a ‘flirtatious personality” I’d still wonder what brought about that type of character trait. I can have an outgoing personality where I can cut up with folks where ever I go, but it doesn’t come off as flirtatious. I remember when the beau and I were out looking for furniture, and I was tripping with the salesman. I was basically making jokes about how they try to nickel and dime you for every little piece of furniture and had the man laughing. The beau would just shake his head at me lol

Button

April 23rd, 2013
9:13 am

Can you really trust a flirty person? If they are bold enough to flirt in your face, just imagine what they will do behind your back!

If you’re serious about finding love and having a healthy relationship then there’s no room for foolery such as flirting and mind games.

disco

April 23rd, 2013
9:16 am

slim – where do any personality traits come from? lol. i know people who open their mouths and a “flirt” just falls out.

button – I don’t think being flirtatious means being untrustworthy. I’m sure just as many non-flirtatious folks aren’t worth a dang either. folks who date flirtatious people know what they are working with. they chose to deal with it so deal with it they must.

MissMoni

April 23rd, 2013
9:18 am

“If you’re serious about finding love and having a healthy relationship then there’s no room for foolery such as flirting and mind games.”

Very well put Button, I definitely agree!

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:19 am

How would you handle a date that purposely tried to make you jealous?

Umm, there would be no second date. Now, how would I handle a SO that played such games? Dealbreaker…no ifs ands or buts about it. I don’t play games. I’m not going to entertain such tomfoolery. You can do that by your dang self.

Bump a person having a “flirtatous” nature. We all do, it’s in us. But there are boundaries. I don’t take issues with a flitation nature, I take issues with not respecting boundaries. So, it’s on you. I’m not losing any sleep over it. All I know is, if you can’t be respectful of me, then it’s a wrap. Simple as that.

Jealous by nature. I am, yessiree….but don’t be mistaken, I gotta like you first…lol Secondly, for me the way it works is it just stirs. I don’t get jealous of some dude playing games and trrrryna make me jealous. All that is going to get you is an early release. Too, my jealousy is something that stirs within. I’m not going to act a fool and go all out and show out and trip. Imma have the talk and if that doesn’t work, like I just said, it’s a wrap. Intentional or no.

Hazel

April 23rd, 2013
9:19 am

If its bothering him, he may want to talk to her if he really likes her, otherwise just move on while its early. Even if its her personality, she needs to be respectful of her guy.

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:20 am

Daaaan, I was NOT trying to make that entire post bold. Just the first line I copied from Diva….my baaaad

Button

April 23rd, 2013
9:21 am

disco- I think differently – I think a flirty person will or can cross the line at some point. Heck they’ve already crossed the line once the flirting begins. You may think it’s harmless but the person on the recieveing end may not think so. That’s all I’m saying. I personally can not trust a flirtatious person.

disco

April 23rd, 2013
9:23 am

celisea – we all do (have flirtatious natures)? I don’t know. maybe. if so, then some definitely are way better at it than others or at least more comfortable with it. I know there’s been times when I wondered if I could find a place to take flirting lessons. lol.

hazel – if it’s her personality (that’s how she is, how she’s always been) then she doesn’t need to change. she just needs to find the guy who doesn’t mind dating the flirtatious chick. attempting to change to make dude comfortable is a disaster waiting to happen. (in disco’s opinion of course)

Bluzgirl

April 23rd, 2013
9:24 am

Morning all!

I’m also thinking it’s not just a test…if she is flirting consitantly, then it may just be her. I was in a relationship with a photographer several years ago and he was always starting down beautiful women. He claimed it was because of his job…not because he was actually attracted to them. He just noticed them more. Whatever. We got into many fights over him blatently staring at women right in front of me. It’s disrespectful.

I do have a jealous side…I’ve learned to reel it in some, but it’s still there. I would think that it’s normal to have at least some jealousy…it’s just how you handle it.

O/T – I’ve been friends with this guy for about 10 years and he’s quite a mess. I’ve known that he’s always had a thing for me and I always told him to get his isht together and he MAY have a shot at me. He’s been on many drugs, been in jail, alcoholic. I wouldn’t even say we are friends, but his mom owns the bar that I used to frequent, so we used to see each other often. Last time I saw him, he verified that he still had my correct phone number. WELL…he called me at 3:30 this morning!!!! Woke me up, I saw who it was and went back to sleep. I listened to the message and he’s saying that he wanted to check in and see if we could get together soon. I sent him a text that said “please don’t ever call me in the middle of the night again. I do work full time and I’m not one of “those” girls.” It just irritated me!

disco

April 23rd, 2013
9:25 am

button – it’s cool. we all think differently. like someone thinking that women who take 4 hours to shop are crazy. lol.

Button

April 23rd, 2013
9:28 am

To me a flirt is nothing more than a tease, not everyone is a tease/flirt by nature. Some people are shy. To me a flirt is a person who thinks everybody want a piece of them. Huge ego.

czBrat ♀

April 23rd, 2013
9:29 am

intentional “tests” of any kind are ridikulous. why not everyone just be themselves w/o catapulting situation? what’s wrong with making decisions about the sticktoitiveness of the relationship as you go along rather than trying to figure out within the first few encounters if this is THE ONE?

morning, all.

SlimNu

April 23rd, 2013
9:29 am

i know people who open their mouths and a “flirt” just falls out.

disco – :lol:

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:34 am

disco – I don’t think it’s in our nature to play games or “try” and get under a person’s skin, but I think it’s in our nature (meaning male versus female) to catch/send vibes. It’s in us. I would guess aside from Russian Brides (lol) or folks’ family putting them together, most started out with a bit of flirting.

disco

April 23rd, 2013
9:37 am

button – we are way off on our interpretation of flirt. I wouldn’t say flirting is necessarily teasing (though it can be) and I certainly wouldn’t say that by flirting you are implying that folks want you. to me flirting is just that ability to gas people up. making them feel good about themselves which often, in turn, makes them feel good about the flirt. people like to be around people that make them feel good and you’ll notice a lot of flirtatious folks are relatively popular. of course, there are the practiced flirts. not naturally flirtatious but just running game. lol.

C – gotcha. you are talking small scale flirting where initially I was thinking “vixen”. lol.

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:39 am

Off topic: What do you do about folks that just can’t get over it??? That had a hand (that they’re not telling folks), in the demise of what could have been a grrreat relationship or cool friendship that they blew??? That’s just dern clueless that it was at the working of their hands the reason it was a bust??? Huh? How do you get it over to them? Gheesh…I know a someone that’s just sooo bitter and just goes on and on and on and on…unending. Really? I want to tell them to grow up and take responsbility. That’ll help with half of what they’re feeling…IJS

Just venting about a past friend??

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:40 am

disco – Vixen = Tramp playing games…lolol

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:44 am

One more “off topic”: I just had the Market Exec (visiting) to come to my desk. He looked like he wanted a hug, but I extended my hand…lol He does it EVERY time. He goes on and on with how everyone is pleased, everyone being my NC and lily white dudes (they report to him). I think he means it but I think it’s also out of guilt. Guilt that he didn’t check the ball player (who reports to him as well) and I had to escalate to the CEO in order for someone to come in and put the ballplayer in his place. The ME is a super nice guy, but I think in his effort to keep peace and loyalty leaning to his direct report skewed his judgement. I think in retrospect he sees this and the reason he does that. I’m cool hearing great news but it just feels like a little guilt is mixed in.

DreamsMaterialize

April 23rd, 2013
9:46 am

Morning

I can’t imagine putting that much energy into making a man jealous, but I suppose this is a way to get some attention.
Depends on your personality type. For some women, this doesn’t require any energy at all. In fact, they probably thrive off of it.

How would you handle a date that purposely tried to make you jealous? Would that be a deal breaker? How do you know when it has gone too far?
Deal breaker for sure. Things should flow naturally. If you have to do extra like this, then it’s forcing something that isn’t there. Move on to the next.

Do you think jealousy has its place in a relationship? Is there such a thing as a healthy dose of jealousy to “show” you still care?
No place for me. If you want to know I “still care”, listen to my words and observe my behavior. Anything else is childish, and I’m not in the business of raising adults.

Robert

April 23rd, 2013
9:48 am

“Is there such a thing as a healthy dose of jealousy to “show” you still care?”

I love-it when my woman shows a little bit of jealousy. For example she gets jealous when other women check out her man when we are dancing the night away (Stepping, hand dancing, etc.). I just hold her in my arms just to make her feel secure and remind her just how grateful I am to be in her presence.

czBrat ♀

April 23rd, 2013
9:51 am

that ability to gas people up. making them feel good about themselves which often, in turn, makes them feel good about the flirt.
aka sales. :lol:

so here’s the thing, in my book at least, “flirting” is a matter of intention. s/o is in sales; i’m in mgmt. it’s in our nature to “gas” folks up to get the job done. an inviting nature is not something you can (or should) necessarily shut off at 5pm. so how do you differentiate kindness from flirtation? intent.

i talk with my hands, i touch people when i talk, i have a really big smile … just saying “good morning” might seem like an invitation. you know how many tenants and vendors have asked me out? they mistake my kindness for opportunity. or, in keeping with the topic, flirting.

Button

April 23rd, 2013
9:52 am

disco- by defintion flirting is to make playfully romantic or schexual overtures. If you’re not going to carry out the deed why even bother warming someone up? ie..you’re a tease.

Hazel

April 23rd, 2013
9:53 am

@ disco – or that too. I said that thinking, “if she likes him”. But that would get old after some time, I suppose. Just move on and find you someone new – saying it to the guy. Even though a guy says that he is not the jealous type…he is.

abc

April 23rd, 2013
9:56 am

Jealousy is a character flaw and a sign of poor self image, lack of esteem; but I wouldn’t tolerate a flirty date like that. Either pay attention to ME, or don’t pay attention, it’s a 2 way street though.

Sexy Tool

April 23rd, 2013
9:57 am

@bluzgirl- do you have any normal friends?

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:57 am

If you’re not going to carry out the deed why even bother warming someone up? ie..you’re a tease

This is an example of “on the hunt”…IMO, not the same as flirting. Flirting don’t mean you’re trying to bed a person. Flirting is moving or acting on that “attraction” you feel in the moment.

I’m sure every one of us have encountered someone where there was an attraction. An attraction is something you have no control over. What you have control over is what you do with it. Like I said yesterday over the grocery store question, we’ve all passed someone that “caught” our eye…..and that’s all. You’re not gonna bang or bag every dude or chick that catches your eye. But, again you can’t control the fact that they caught your eye or got your attention. It happens, it’s natural.

How many married folks have encountered an attraction with someone post marriage? Probably every one of them. Even so, they’re married so they leave it where it happened or where they encountered it.

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
9:58 am

Clarification to my 9:57…Not “acting on” as in getting down, but more so acting on as in responding, flirting back

disco

April 23rd, 2013
10:04 am

robert – she gets jealous when you all are dancing together? geesh. are you allowed to ask other women to dance? lol.

brat – I can agree with intent. for some folks there truly is no intent. that’s just how they talk. it is what it is.

button – I don’t think tease in that sense of the word has even been on my radar since high school.

Button

April 23rd, 2013
10:11 am

Celisea – that’s why it’s called a Flirt!
you’re not going to do the deed, just coming close.—–playing with it—– So why oh why even bother?

Button

April 23rd, 2013
10:11 am

disco – lol

disco

April 23rd, 2013
10:16 am

button – what about folks who flirt with servers, flirt with cashiers, flirt in the drive thru, flirt with the security guards, flirt with the ups girl/guy? surely they can’t be getting all these folks all hot and bothered.

wasn’t there a song “I’m a flirt”?

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
10:17 am

Button – Flirt and “doing the deed” are not one and the same. Coming close, playing with it is teasing and on the back end of flirting. Boy likes girl and girl likes boy, IMO is flirting. Cause there’s an attraction does NOT mean one is obligated to seal the dang deal or even constitute there being a deal. It’s attraction and innocent. A person is not wrong to flirt and not end up in bed.

It’s not teasing unless you put it on a platter and snatch it back…lol Flirting is what we do…again boy likes girl, girl likes boy.

czBrat ♀

April 23rd, 2013
10:18 am

for some folks there truly is no intent. that’s just how they talk. it is what it is.
agreed. if the s/o (or anyone else for that matter) knows that that’s just “how they talk”, then they know it’s not about playing games.
it’s the behavior aimed at trying to get a rise out of someone that i find entirely unnecessary.

disco

April 23rd, 2013
10:25 am

brat – lol. you know I’m more direct than that. I want to get a rise out of someone I’ll just thump him in the back of the head. lol. you remember those finger thumps you used to dole out back in the day. yep. I’d walk by and thump dude right on the top of his dome.

kimmie

April 23rd, 2013
10:28 am

Morning All!!

I always hated that “try to make me jealous” game. She sounds silly. But to put it back on him – some folks are just so nonchalant it’s irritating. Maybe he’s TOO laid back. Maybe she finds it a challenge to try to get a rise out of him. What’s this about him being “used to” women putting him thru little tests? Sounds like he illicits this reaction out of the women he meets.

Either way, they are dating and supposed learning about each other. If she’s taking this to the point it makes him feel uncomfortable and disrespected, he can either deal with it or not. It’s on him. If he’s still there, he must like it.

abc

April 23rd, 2013
10:33 am

Lots of chicks attribute their flirting to their “Southern-ness” — they’d say that flirting is just good manners. I call BS on that. But then, chicks flirt like that with me all the time; sweetie will even tell me the dang waitress is flirting with me, and I’m like what? Didn’t even notice. So, kind of a wash I guess.

Celisea

April 23rd, 2013
10:38 am

But then, chicks flirt like that with me all the time; sweetie will even tell me the dang waitress is flirting with me, and I’m like what? Didn’t even notice.

I find it incredulous that folks say they can’t recognize someone flirting with them. You gotta be a dern stunner and flirting is par for the course, that you can’t recognize attraction. All the time? No. Some of the time? Ummm, yes!

Not saying you, just using your example cause Silky would ALWAYS say the same thing. What? Who? Me? Where? When? Mmm hmmm