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When do you bring up marriage?

One of our readers wanted to get advice about when she should bring up the marriage topic.  She has been dating her boyfriend for less than a year and feels pretty confident about things.  This is why she is anxious to start talking about a future.  She just doesn’t want to bring the one to bring it up!

Do you believe that a woman who talks about marriage too soon is a turn off to men?  What if he is already thinking of her as his future spouse?

In my experiences, marriage usually makes its way into conversations rather organically.  I don’t remember being the one to bring it up.  Admittedly, there was a period that I was no interested in marriage at all, so I sort of avoided that when I could.

If you are really excited about a possible future with someone, can bringing marriage into the forefront actually delay or derail a relationship?

Should you drop hints or subtle comments about marriage to get the discussion going?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

318 comments Add your comment

Exiled

April 22nd, 2013
6:43 am

‘I don’t remember being the one to bring it up’

…are u married now..when did this happen?

If not married then why is ur example important when it hasn’t worked.

Just a thought there…

U introduce marriage into the topic when u are still dating and better before he smash!

Look at it this way….after you become sorta exclusive,your emotions are now captive. You luv dude,he is pleasing ur little head and so forth and so forth. Rationality is the last thing in ur system. So u coast along with a man whose long term objectives and your are not aligned!

Dating and digging a worthless hole. That’s your relationship.

If I were female and I wanted marriage,I wld say that on jump and if he said ‘yes’,then i wld watch him to see if he was husband material.
If he said no to marriage or not sure or just mumbled,then we stop right there before wasting each other’s time. And my cootie wld be untouched.

Us dudes have had the pleasure of smashing for sport because the tough questions did not come early enough. Because some chics thought the carrot wld entice us to rhe alter.

It don’t work!

If only there were so many of uall.

Exiled

April 22nd, 2013
6:44 am

Good morning MIA!

Exiled

April 22nd, 2013
6:46 am

If only there weren’t so many of uall..

…..correction!!

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
7:25 am

GOOD Monday Morning MIA!!! *My cousin’s wedding was absolutely BEAUTIFUL & not to toot my own horn, but I was totally ROCKIN’ my bridesmaid dress!* ;-)

I agree with Ex in that if you want marriage you should let that be known upfront. It shouldn’t be an all day, everyday conversation, but it definitely should be known.

Hazel

April 22nd, 2013
8:20 am

Happy Monday.
Yes, as a woman you should let your motives be knowns. I think dating has a purpose, and it is eventually to find a husband. You should let the guy know ( if you find him to be husband material). The last thing you want is, “..u coast along with a man whose long term objectives and your are not aligned!”.
please don’t wait around for 6+++ years. If he isn’t ready then, he may never be ready. I have a dear friend who has been with her man for 11+ years and still waiting.

Big Al

April 22nd, 2013
8:21 am

“Do you believe that a woman who talks about marriage too soon is a turn off to men?”

Yes, it is. Men like long courtships. The longer the better. We don’t like rushing into things.

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
9:08 am

Morning All!! Blogging from home today, taking a much needed mental day!

On topic: I wasted a lot of time with dudes that were not on the same page, because I was scared bringing up marriage would run them away. There is a method to this madness, I had to learn. Sure, you don’t want to be planning the wedding on the first date, but there is nothing wrong with letting a guy know you are looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage, someone you can build a future with. That you’re not okay with just “hanging out” & “putting out” for years on end. If dude says he’s “not looking for anything serious” or “just wants to see how it goes”, he’s not ready. And that’s okay, might be a nice guy just not for you if you’re looking for marriage. If you decide to continue to see such a dude, please believe you are NOT going to “change his mind” no matter how nice you are or how mindblowing the sex is or how cute you are or how great you can cook.

Now if he does say he’s looking for the same, then you still can’t take that to the bank. There were certain things I held off on and believe you should hold off on until engagement and wedding date set. For me it was no financial entanglements (no buying cars or houses or credit cards, etc), no access to my bank account or other business matters, and no doing of his laundry. While sure, I did not mind cooking or helping him around his place some times, no playing Suzie homemaker at his place. And while others do, I maintained seperate residences-no shacking. I didn’t want him to fall into that “well I’m getting everything so why bother?”.

After all that, he could stil have decided he wanted marriage – just not with me. In fact, that happened, but I was not “all in” so it made the breakup alot easier.

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
9:08 am

Dating is supposed to be the trial, who, what, when, where, why to decide if this person is someone you want in your life (on level you’re looking for). So if marriage is something you’re interested in, I don’t see why you would fail to mention that in the beginning. It’s not like you’re saying, “Hey, I just met you and I want to know when we’re getting married”. You’re saying, hey I’m not really looking to date for the sake of having something on my social calendar, but i am ultimately seeking marriage to come out of dating Joe Blow Schmoe….If he or she is not hoping for the same thing, then no need to waste energy, time, money and feelings on them.

disco

April 22nd, 2013
9:17 am

good Monday morning everyone. I say bring marriage up whenever you want. either they want to hear it or they don’t. you can stick it out or walk away. it is what it is.

Reio

April 22nd, 2013
9:17 am

“Do you believe that a woman who talks about marriage too soon is a turn off to men?”

Yes,it is. Even for men who see matrimony as a desired outcome. Let me explain.
Two kinds of men, those out for play only. Those out for play and matrimony. The matrimony crowd
either understands that life for them would probably be better, or they hope life will be better if they walked down the aisle. Their thinking tends to be, “I’ll be the best husband/father/provider I can be”. The problem comes into play when he acknowledges that this is an awesome responsibility, and all of a sudden she wants to “dump” that on him right now by bringing it up. Guys tend to not want that kind of pressure, eventhough she only wants to make sure that he knows that she is very satisfied with him, and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. No pressure intended. The guy won’t take it that way, he’ll see it as her pressuring him. My advice to women is to make sure he knows your intentions. First,second, or third date. Don’t wait. Use the word “marriage” when you let him know what you want from a relationship. That way he knows early where you’re coming from. It’s only fair to him. And if you do this, and he seems to recoil a bit, or a lot, then you’ll know that, for whatever reason, he’s not interested in that for his future. So, you move on. Women need to learn to walk away at the FIRST sign of trouble. Whatever that trouble may be. Don’t give him chances. Send him on his way. Let him burn in hell. If he wants to play, let him play elsewhere.

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
9:17 am

Closed mouths don’t get fed. Speak up! Don’t be afraid to “lose out” at the risk of keeping with someone else’s happiness. If it’s marriage you want, have the conversation. If it makes him run, well he wasn’t worth it anyway, right? Just know folks, it’s a myth that that’s every woman’s dying wish….seriously.

Funny this is the topic, just saw a coworker that I’ve hung out with on a few occasions…y’all know the chick that’s 40 something dating the dude that’s 60 something….and I asked how things were going and if she’d changed her views on marriage. She looked as if I’d grown two heads. She said, “didn’t I tell you I don’t want to be married.” Now, I’m pretty much a good judge of character and can usually tell when that statement is masked in an effort to “hide” how one really feels, but she ain’t playing. She’s dead serious. So, yeah it’s a myth that every woman is empty or sad or lacking or unhappy or unfulfilled if she ain’t hitched. IJS

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
9:27 am

Women need to learn to walk away at the FIRST sign of trouble. Whatever that trouble may be. Don’t give him chances. Send him on his way

Reio – I had to learn this the hard way. But once I learned it – look out!!LOL!!

Cel – You are so right, every woman ain’t been dreaming of her wedding since she was 6!!!

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
9:27 am

I wouldn’t ask a man day one, but if it’s something I’m interested in, you can best believe we ain’t smashing (well that ain’t happening off the rip anyway), and I’ll “take it as it come.” If it’s something that’s top of mind for me and truly desired, we’re not going six months in “just dating and wondering” without having the convo. I wouldn’t hit him from the left, say date 1,2 or even 3, but somewhere in there I would ask him what he’s looking for and if marriage his goal. If it’s I’m just kicking it or let’s see where things can go, I’m not sticking around, that is IF MARRIAGE WAS SOMETHING I WAS SEEKING. We all know how “let’s see where things can go” often ends. It would have to be a concrete “yes, my ultimate goal is to be married.”

I think this is where soooo many women make mistakes. Whatever the answer, you heard it right. Don’t fool yourself, into believing he’ll change his mind. If he does, it’s solely something he wanted to do, but never anything coerced.

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
9:30 am

Kimmie – Yep.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t ever have thoughts of. But again, it wasn’t at the ripe old age of 6…lol. I think during the time of the stockbroker and Silky, that was more when I seriously had conversations and thought about it.

Now? I like my life and as long as I can help it, I’m not changing a dern thing. :mrgreen:

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
9:32 am

-Kimmie I’m vibing with your 9:08. We’re seeing eye to eye this morning!

-Disco/SlimNu/Celisea HEY!!! :-)

disco

April 22nd, 2013
9:33 am

C – keep in mind that even that “yes my ultimate goal is to be married” does not necessarily translate into “yes my ultimate goal is to married anytime soon” or “yes my ultimate goal is to be married to you”. sometimes, even with all the right answers, you still get stuck waiting to see where things go. lol.

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
9:35 am

I’m working on my new laptop. I get one every 3 years. I wondered at the dude that’s been on our floor (looking borderline thugged…lol). He switched everything out Friday and did a fantastic job. This is the first refresh I’ve gotten where they didn’t lose my personal folders.

See, don’t be fooled by appearances. He ain’t sporting hardcore thug, but he ain’t looking exactly “corporate.” Buddy did a fantab job. I just sent in a survey on him and how well he did. Young cat at that. See that’s what make me proud :mrgreen:

Alright, BBL…..

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
9:37 am

disco – I agree. It can get tricky

Hello MissMoni!

Now….BBL

disco

April 22nd, 2013
9:41 am

hey back at you moni. glad to hear the wedding was nice. lol. someone sent me wedding pics the other day and I still giggle a bit when I think back on them. a bunch of big girls in sleeveless dresses with tattoos all over the place and a lot of multicolored fingernails. I just said “oh boy”. lol.

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
9:41 am

MissMoni – Heeeeyyyyyyy how you durrrrin

When I was younger, I didn’t have a desire to get married…but as I got older, it was something that became more important to me. I never wanted a whole baseball team of kids either…Now i’m open to having ONE kid, unless I end up with twins or something. One and done is good for me in the bebe kids dept. ;-)

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
9:42 am

O/T: I just want to shyly say, i’m looking forward to Love & Hip Hop Atlanta tonight :oops:

Oh and I had a dance off Friday with some white dude…it was Sooooo funny and yeah the crowd formed a circle around us :lol:

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
9:45 am

-disco Funny that you should bring up tattoos. My cousin’s wife got 3 NEW ones the day before the wedding rehearsal, which brought her grand total to 25!!! It was my 1st time meeting her and let’s just say that she is a character, NICE but a straight character.

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
9:45 am

disco – You are so right about that 9:33, which is why I said you can’t take his answer to the bank! Yeah, he might want marriage one day, just not any time within the next 10 years, or not with YOU!!

I had to tell a friend of mine that once. She was going on and on about this guy she had been seeing who was obviously kicking her to the curb. She called me crying and said he had told her he was looking for something serious, marriage. I told her yes, and he was not lying. He was looking for that, just not with you! She was hurt, but finally woke up and later told me she appreciated my bluntness. I just couldn’t take it anymore!!

Reio

April 22nd, 2013
9:46 am

While it’s true that not every woman wants to be married, it is true that a great many do. Guys know this. So the player goes out and gets all that he can, then bails. The guy with matrimony in the back of his mind will get all that he can as well, but he keeps an eye out for things that would be a problem in the future, should he “pop” the question. I know this will offend some women reading this, but I’ll type it anyway, cause I don’t care. I don’t know how many times(about 3.7 million, at least) that I have had conversations with men whom I thought to be thoughtful, kind, hardworking, people. Men that I knew wanted to get married, because of the various conversations I had with them over time, who would say to me, “She’s crazy’, “She acts crazy sometimes”, “She does crazy sheet too much”.
After they explain, I, invariably, found myself agreeing with them. I wound up saying, “She said what?” “She did what?” “Really?” “You gotta be sheeting me.” Or words to that effect. Only on a hand full of occasions did I come back with, “Why is that crazy?” or “I don’t see that as crazy, loosen up.” Ladies, you need to be yourselves, I’m a firm believer in this. But in dealing with men, try hard to use logic and common sense in the words that you speak, and the things that you say. A good man may want you to be his wife at some point, and may even be leaning in that direction, but if “crazy” kicks in, even he will start to think twice or three times about having you as his spouse. Just sayin.

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
9:46 am

Hey Moni!!

Slim – That danceoff sounds fun!!!!

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
9:47 am

-SlimNu I would have LOVED to see your dance off. That’s my kind of thing to participate in, LOL!!! You’re not alone on looking forward to LHHATL either. ;-)

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
9:52 am

Reio – men love, love, love to call women crazy. I’m sure we alllllllll aren’t crazy, not to mention chicks that very well maybe crazy are still married. Go figure. lol

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
9:59 am

Slim – Yeah, I’ve seen plenty that I know are bat-shi— crazy with big ole rocks and the husbands adore them!!

Reio kinda brings up a good point though. I think while it’s important to know early on if the 2 of you are looking for the same kind of relationship, I think it’s also important to check every once in awhile if you are STILL on the same page. That can be a little trickier to do without coming off as pressuring.

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
10:08 am

a bunch of big girls in sleeveless dresses with tattoos all over the place and a lot of multicolored fingernails.

Disco – Not a good look at all!

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
10:09 am

kimmie/MissMoni – Your body always let’s you know just how old you are. The next morning my right knee was hurting something serious. It’s still popping today lolol I should have kept my drop it like it’s lukewarm to a minimum. lol

disco

April 22nd, 2013
10:10 am

slim – crazy and bitter. men love love love to call women crazy and they love to call women bitter. go figure. I’m not judging though because I find myself calling them a few choice names here and there too. lol.

kimmie – it was not a good look but every last one of them had their hair done to the T. hairstyles were fly.

Leggs

April 22nd, 2013
10:11 am

“She has been dating her boyfriend for less than a year” – If she wants to bring it up in terms of the two of them getting married, it’s too soon. During this less than a year of dating, hopefully she has spoken on the fact that she wanted to get married and that’s why she’s dating to find a potential. If not, it’s not too late to talk about her wanting to get married down the road., but it is too early to talk about when he may be proposing to her.

Good morning. What a rush of a morning and it’s only 10:09.

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
10:14 am

-SlimNu That’s how my feet felt on Sunday morning after dancing all night at the reception in 5 inch heels, LOL!!!

DuShawn

April 22nd, 2013
10:15 am

“My advice to women is to make sure he knows your intentions. First, second, or third date…….” I believe a woman should be mindful of how she broaches the subject of marriage so early on in a potential relationship. If I recently met you and we went out a few times, why are we discussing marriage? I probably can’t even remember your last name. If she comes across as “Don’t waste my time, I don’t date just to date, etc.” during the first few outings, I would think those comments were premature and a little weird.

Reio

April 22nd, 2013
10:15 am

Quick definition of “crazy”, in the lexicon of a dating man, players and the serious minded alike. “Crazy”, is synonymous with illogical, unreasonable, silly, foolish, stupid, makes no sense, what’s wrong with her?,……….Things consistently either said/not said, done/not done, that makes him go “umm, Sum’in ain’t right”. I expected someone here to post “Men love to call women crazy”, or “Men use that word all the time”. All I’m saying is that, there are a lot of men who see a lack of forethought before speaking or doing something as “crazy”. Even something like, you’re telling him you’re going out to get more blankets and plillow cases and stuff for the bedroom, cause the store is having a big white sale with huge discounts. Only to have you return 4 hours and 20 minutes later with relatively few blankets and pillow cases, but with lots of shoes, skirts, and women stuff. To him, this is “crazy”. You go for one thing, but you return 4 hours and 20 min. later with a whole lot of something else. Even if it’s your money, you earned, to him, it’s still “crazy”. And who shops for 4 hours and 20 mins. anyway? Just sayin.

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
10:19 am

LOL at Reio knowing that it took exactly 4 hours and 20 mins. Please know that I find that HILARIOUS this morning!!!

Leggs

April 22nd, 2013
10:21 am

MissMoni ~ so you rocked your bridesmaid dress. Nothing like feeling good in a bridesmaid dress because sometimes they can be like those hideous prom pics from yesteryear. Hope you get to wear it again, or can alter it for a later event (lol).

kimmie ~ So feeling your post at 9:08. Nothing like wasting time with someone who’s not on the same page as you. And it’s a travesty for those who hook up and STAY with someone they’re not on the same page with but doesn’t want to be alone. I have a friend that’s doing just that.

Just this past Thursday I asked this guy here at work how his marriage was going (because I know he doesn’t want to be married). How do I know, he told me. He told me that whoever instituted marriage was high on crack or whatever drug was prevalent back then. I could only laugh and tell him marriage isn’t bad, it’s only bad when you’re with the wrong person.

SlimNu ~ I can see you now jumping to that white dude like in “Save the Last Dance.” Good for youl, but dropping it like it’s lukewarm shouldn’t have your kness popping (lol). Boy, I’m glad I have strong/good knees (roflmbo).

disco

April 22nd, 2013
10:21 am

dushawn – re the last name. a guy I used to date called me by a different last name once. granted he picked a name of my family members but it’s still not my name. to this day I still clown him about not knowing my name. other people have assumed that’s my name before but he should have known better.

moni – am I the only one who envisions a guy sitting at home staring at the clock going “tick tick tick tick tick” while waiting on his woman to come home from shopping? lol.

Reio

April 22nd, 2013
10:22 am

MissMoni – 4 hiours, 21 mins and 11 seconds, but 4 hours and 20 mins is easier to say and type. Hehehe.

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
10:25 am

I find myself calling them a few choice names here and there too.

disco – It seems that the names they have for us have more sting to them than any name I could think of to call them. Oh well

MissMoni – 5 inch heels are not my idea of dancing shoes, so it was better to be you than me. ;-)

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
10:25 am

Reio – That example you gave might seem crazy if you guys had made plans and because she stayed out 4 hours shopping, that cut into your reservations or whatnot. Otherwise, a grown, free and single woman out spending her own money and having fun – don’t see the “crazy” at all. She got to the white sale at Macy’s but everything was picked over and they didn’t have what she was looking for. She caught another sale on some other things she wanted. In the course of it all, she decided to grab lunch & get her nails done.

What’s the problem? :shock: Why would that cause you to rethink marrying her if that were your intentions? Now if she has a spending problem, that’s another story. She’s not financially responsible. That’s the red flag.

disco

April 22nd, 2013
10:25 am

leggs – I watched save the last dance recently and had to laugh at myself for getting up and dancing a bit. when they played murder she wrote in the spot I was feeling it. lol.

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
10:25 am

So the player goes out and gets all that he can, then bails.

And women know that men know that most want marriage. Don’t get fooled or suckered.

Y’all know how I feel on the “she crazy” accusations. Usually (not all the time) there’s some dude on the other end of that, got what was coming to him. I don’t think much of dudes that call women crazy. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not directed at anyone here, but IMO it’s mostly dudes that don’t want to play by the rules and “calling crazy” is oftentimes the fallback. Most times, he couldn’t bamboozle her and because it didn’t work on her like the 99 others, she’s the psycho. It’s not you, it’s him….lol

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
10:27 am

Four hours shopping is dern quick. For me, just out looking and picking up stuff usually is all day and includes lunch somewhere. Shopping is what women do. Ya lost me with that one.

Celisea

April 22nd, 2013
10:29 am

Now if she has a spending problem, that’s another story

And four hours ain’t the issue, it’s shopping period. But that a wholenutherstory

MissMoni

April 22nd, 2013
10:30 am

-Leggs It’s a long dress, but I suppose I can wear it again to a special function.

-Disco I’m still cracking up. . . Clockwatchers!!!

-Reio So that situation that you gave for an example actually happened to you?

-SlimNu I left my flip flops in my hotel room & I don’t do bare feet on a floor I’m not familiar with.

Leggs

April 22nd, 2013
10:31 am

***P S A***Department: Accounts Payable

Title: Supervisor Accounts Payable

Description: A professional that is responsible of the supervision of the day-to-day activities of the accounts payable function.Responsible for overseeing the daily, weekly and year-end AP workflow taking a collaborative approch to fully integrate the team to meet AP production processing and payment of obligations adhering to AP policies and procedures.

As usual, let me know and I forward the rest.

Reio

April 22nd, 2013
10:31 am

kimmie – I hear you. And can certainly see how that scenario can play out, exactly as you described. But guys, in general, will never see it that way, expecially if it tends to be a continuing occurrence in his mind. One again, I hear you, loud and clear, I love you. Other guys won’t.

kimmie

April 22nd, 2013
10:32 am

Cel – Girl you right, 4 hours ain’t nothing! Plus, who hasn’t, male or female, gone out for “just a few things, right quick” and came out with more, probably different, and a long time later!!!

SlimNu

April 22nd, 2013
10:33 am

Leggs – Yeah, I need to get my weight and endurance back up. I’m giving myself this week to get back in the gym. I’m not exactly sure WHICH day this week but we’ll see. I hope Friday doesn’t get here and I still haven’t gone lol