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Dating: When can I see you again?

I tell my guy friends all the time that when they meet someone that excites them, it is important to be consistent with them.   I don’t know how many times women have complained about guys who make are flaky, unreliable, and inconsistent.  When men take the “half effort” approach, it is hard to for women to take men seriously.

One of our readers emailed about a particular guy who she recently met.  He started off in hot pursuit of her.  Called, sent her regular texts, and asked her out.  They seemed to have a great connection and a lot of chemistry.   Then he started to withdraw a little.  She realized that he hadn’t asked her what she loved to hear “When can I see you again?”

It is highly likely that he has met  someone else that sparks his interest more.  This is quite common on the dating scene, though.   When there is not a relationship to end, a lot of people don’t feel obligated to tell you that they have moved on.  Is it the right thing to do? Yes, it is considerate and kind, even if it would be awkward to do so.  Unfortunately, not every person will be considerate of your feelings.

This is why having a healthy dose of ego and humor is essential in dating!  You have to be resilient about this kind of thing or else you become the Mayor of Bitterville.  It’s not fun living there, people.

Why do you think  it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating?

Would you let someone know that they have been put into the friend zone?

Do you believe that when you move on to the next, people are entitled to know that outright?

FYI, when a man asks When can I see you again, it makes women swoon. True story.

Happy Wednesday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

380 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

April 3rd, 2013
7:09 am

Why do you think it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating? It’s the thrill of the chase. Things aren’t always what they seem, They may have looked good to you, but once you got to know the, they aren’t good for you. so you cut your loses early and you move on.

Would you let someone know that they have been put into the friend zone? Yes, just tell them.

Do you believe that when you move on to the next, people are entitled to know that outright? They’re not “entitled” but it is a good thing to do.

MissMoni

April 3rd, 2013
7:39 am

GOOD Wednesday Morning MIA!!! :-)

Why do you think it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating? They either have no idea of what consistency is OR they simply just don’t care.

Would you let someone know that they have been put into the friend zone? Absolutely

Do you believe that when you move on to the next, people are entitled to know that outright? I agree with Single & Happy, they’re not entitled but it is common courtesy. Especially if the other person was REALLY into you.

I’m very BIG on being consistent, so in MY book that is Step 1 to being with me. Guy starts being flaky and I’m gone, end of story. Ain’t nobody got time for that!!!

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

April 3rd, 2013
8:15 am

“Why do you think it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating”

Life happens…… The time I have today might not be the time I have tomorrow….

Good Morning MissMoni :)

MissMoni

April 3rd, 2013
8:25 am

Bonjour Court! :-)

All I’m saying is can you let a sista know if you don’t have the time tomorrow. Especially if we’ve already made previous plans to see each other.

Button

April 3rd, 2013
8:25 am

Why do you think it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating? I don’t think it’s hard at all, when a man is into a women he’s consistant with his contact with the woman.

Do you believe that when you move on to the next, people are entitled to know that outright? I agree with Single & Happy.

Would you let someone know that they have been put into the friend zone? IF not verbally, I will nonverbally with my interactions with him. I will do things and talk to him differently than I would with a guy I’m interested in.

FYI, when a man asks When can I see you again, it makes women swoon. So true! My guy say that to me all the time. He would plan the next date before the date we’re on ended. I felt so special. I’ve never had that to happen before or at least I can’t remember anyway. lol When a guy is interested, ladies you’ll for sure know. Ladies men like to feel needed also. Don’t get it twisted. We as ladies want to feel wanted but men need to feel needed. It shows appreciation, and they love feeling like a hero. It’s their nature.

Good Hump Day!

Reio

April 3rd, 2013
8:29 am

My problem, when I was dating, was that I was too honest and open. Said what I wanted, asked what I wanted. Damn the consequences. I was never dumped, but I could tell that for a number of them, I was too forward. Funny though, Only one, after many dates over the years, actually told me that I was asking questions that were best asked after we got to know each other better. So, yes, I would make my feelings known by using the english language to tell her. They didn’t have to make assumptions with me.

Eastside Sweety

April 3rd, 2013
8:29 am

Interesting topic and for me its the opposite. I am the flaky one…I admit it lol. I met a guy last year and we went out on 3 dates and I kinda backed off from there..i was a little intimidated by his age…well he stayed around..would still call and text me from time to time and sometimes I would text back and sometimes i wouldnt. Now fast forward to now and I am just starting to give him my attention on a consistent basis lol and i must admit I am glad I did. Of course I had to ask him “why didnt he just delete my number and keep it movin”…he says he really doesnt know why he didnt…..I guess only time will tell

Reio

April 3rd, 2013
8:33 am

Would you let someone know that they have been put into the friend zone?

No, cause there would be no friend zone. If we don’t make it, I didn’t want friendship instead.
Makes no sense to me. Once I dump you or you dump me, or we just decide not to date again, I’m
gone. Never to be seen with you again. Turn around. Don’t look back.

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

April 3rd, 2013
8:35 am

MissMoni, When plans are made they are to be honored, but constant calls and always communications is seems kinda needy for a fully involved adult. There are jobs, kids ( for some, not me) ect. that require time as well…..

Hazel

April 3rd, 2013
8:41 am

Why do you think it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating?
Because when you are dating, you are often not looking to be serious, esp if you are a guy. They are trying to dab into various ones
Would you let someone know that they have been put into the friend zone?
I would and is the right thing to do. But most don’t follow this and often just leave folks hanging

Do you believe that when you move on to the next, people are entitled to know that outright?
A person does not have to, but it would be nice to do

Hazel

April 3rd, 2013
8:47 am

I felt that i was being mean when I told a guy not to call me, as I was not on the same page as him. Years later, I am glad I did as it was mature of me to do, even if it felt like something mean then

MissMoni

April 3rd, 2013
8:50 am

-Reio I can relate to your 8:33am. Most times when I’m not interested in dating you, I’m also not interested in being your friend either. Like seriously, what is the point? Just keep it moving.

-Court Totally understandable. I’ve learned how to balance my daughters, full-time job, PhD program, church activities & social life. I just think it would be refreshing to be with someone who wants to keep in contact, NOT stalker type, but that truly enjoys spending time with me.

disco

April 3rd, 2013
9:02 am

good morning. I’m not sure I’m understanding what’s meant by consistent in this scenario. dude was consistently calling her and then he consistently stopped. lol. same same. what does she want? it’s not a real relationship yet. I’m sure that by a certain age we’ve all experienced what I call the “fadeaway”. let him stay faded. it is that it is.

Button

April 3rd, 2013
9:05 am

disco – lol I agree with you. It’s not a relationship yet.

Button

April 3rd, 2013
9:06 am

maybe dude accomplished his goal. In the words of EXILE he smashed and ran.

Celisea

April 3rd, 2013
9:08 am

No one owes another a dern thing. If the person dropped off the side of the earth, take it for what it is, occupy your time (if you was wrapped that tight….scary though if y’all ain’t exclusive) until that person is long forgotten. All the other “expectations” IMO (my opinion now), is just setting yourself up.

My only dilemna is when a dude’s mouthing if flapping saying one thing but his actions are doing another. Then Imma be asking what’s up with that…and asking for the sake of clarity. I don’t get an answer? I’m going to dismiss my own dang self. But, I will ask. I’ve been accused of coming on too strong by asking. Well, I don’t play games and I’ll be dang if I allow someone to mislead me. Later for that if he don’t show this, that or the other. I’m asking because he’s not showing, BUT SAYING SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Now if he’s not showing nor asking, I’m not asking. IJS

But, to sum up my thoughts, if folks don’t ask you out for a second date, I guess I wouldn’t take it personal, I would assume it is what it is. I will say though, please don’t comeaknockin months later. What? That more interesting person didn’t work out?? lololol IJS

Celisea

April 3rd, 2013
9:09 am

mouth is flapping…is what I meant

disco

April 3rd, 2013
9:09 am

button – stop it with the “needed” thing. you killing me. lol.

hazel – it’s not mean to tell someone you don’t want to be bothered. heck, if you don’t learn how to tell folks you don’t want to be bothered you’ll have a line of losers trailing you like the pied piper.

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:11 am

Chalk it up to him curious enough to ask you out, make plans for another encounter, but realize you’re not what he’s looking for. Too much to choose from so try not to take it personal, her time to connect is in the cards.

“when a man is into a women he’s consistant with his contact with the woman. – That’s it in a nutshell…Point Blank Period!

Good morning.

disco

April 3rd, 2013
9:16 am

LOL. yep. when a man’s interested he’s consistent in his contact EVEN if this means calling from work or calling in the car on the way to/from work. EVEN if this means faking like he needs to make a store run or running his wife a bubble bath to buy himself a little phone time. oh the many many ways they find to make it do what it do. lol.

DreamsMaterialize

April 3rd, 2013
9:17 am

Hey Everyone

Why do you think it is so hard for people to be consistent when they are dating?
It isn’t hard for people to do. They’re consistent if they want to be.

Do you believe that when you move on to the next, people are entitled to know that outright?
Depends on how much a person has invested. If we’ve been going out for some time, then I guess it’s nice to do. If we’ve just gone on a date or two, then you don’t owe me anything. If a woman isn’t as responsive as she usually is (or as I think she should be), then she doesn’t have to explain anything to me…I’ve already assumed that she’s exercising her other options. I’ll cut my losses and exercise mine as well.

Celisea

April 3rd, 2013
9:18 am

Why is it common courtesy to call a person up and “splain” why there will be no seocnd date? I think I just read that. Why? Me frankly? I don’t want to get into all of that if I’m not feeling you. It makes things awkward to stand before a firing squad and you haven’t committed an offense. IMO, it’s “needed” to feel like someone is obligated to exit. I just don’t get that thinking.

Celisea

April 3rd, 2013
9:19 am

needy…not needed

Let me go get coffee

abc

April 3rd, 2013
9:21 am

I think it depends on how you tell someone to buzz off as to whether it’s unkind or not. “Don’t call me again” is unkind, callous; explaining that further contact isn’t going to lead to anything, being previously booked for requested dates, etc. is a bit kinder. If you think there’s some possibility (or probability) that you’ll feel like telling them to disappear, then don’t go out on any dates with them. That means not dating strangers — I know, that’s a stretch for some of yall. Some fresh face or nice tail flares your nostrils and off you go. Restraint!

Don’t be a heel.

DuShawn

April 3rd, 2013
9:22 am

“a lot of people don’t feel obligated to tell you that they have moved on……” Just like Big Mama told me a long time ago. “Sometimes what you don’t say, says it all.”

Celisea

April 3rd, 2013
9:24 am

Despite the popular thing nowadays of “not waiting, please don’t let folks smash on the first date. You might not get a second one. Wait to see if folks’ actions and words align before you give yourself away

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:25 am

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAQI.

I got it right this time!

Hello DreamsM. I agree with you, depending upon how much time has been invested perhaps it would be nice to explain why you no longer want to see that person, but it’s not guaranteed. Sometimes, if you just look at the ghost’s mist in your circle, you have your answer that he’s no longer interested. If you need an explanation, be prepared not to receive on most times. If after one or two dates, it’s not even necessary to ask why. Just go on as he has. Everything isn’t complicated if you look at it for what it’s worth.

MissMoni

April 3rd, 2013
9:25 am

-abc I totally agree with you on not going out with strangers. There are some people that you already know from 1st approach that it’s not going anywhere, so why even give them your number or accept the date invite? I consider my time to be too valuable to waste.

disco

April 3rd, 2013
9:26 am

abc – so you are of the school that you should lie to protect feelings rather than shoot straight from the hip? to each his own.

I have a little friend guy (flunky type or placeholder to be exact). I don’t want him. he knows that but he wants to be around me so he obliges when I need an escort or whatever. so yesterday I contact him and say I want to do such and such tonight. he responded with he couldn’t yesterday but he could today. I was like whatever. he called last night to confirm that we were on today and I blanked. lol. had to remind him that he was my flunky, I wasn’t his. we do stuff on my time, not his time. lol. I’m sure his feelings were shook just a bit. he’ll lay low for awhile and then he’ll be right back in my face talking about “what you wanna do”. sometimes, situations just are what they are.

MissMoni

April 3rd, 2013
9:27 am

“Everything isn’t complicated if you look at it for what it’s worth.”

GREAT point Leggs!!!

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:36 am

“…had to remind him that he was my flunky,….” – ummm, pray tell, which words did you really use to convey this sentiment (lol).

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:38 am

Never mind, disco. I read the rest of your post. Although shooting from the hip is great, tact can still be used when shooting from the hip.

That man is a glutton for punishment. I have one in my corner as well, but I’m not mean to him just very standoffish, but he keeps trying to come around.

Button

April 3rd, 2013
9:39 am

disco – noooooo lol I don’t know about you but, I let my honey boo know that’s he’s needed and much appreciated. Not saying you should but that’s what works for me.

as for the reader, I would like to know if she call every other man off when she started dating the guy. I mean just because a man is being consistant he’s not really consistant until he’s consistant. get my drift. It’s way too soon to say he’s being consistant in the beginning of things. Give it a few months not a few dates to see how he or you really feel. In the meantime date other people. Don’t put all your eggs in on basket. Some people have the honeymoon syndrom. Always looking for the next thrill. I should know, I’m a recovering addict of it.

abc

April 3rd, 2013
9:43 am

No disco, I don’t lie about anything. At the same time, I don’t say ‘you too dayum fat, stop callin’. There’s a difference. If you have so little interest in them that you’re not even willing to talk with them, why did you go out with them in the first place?

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:44 am

“Sometimes what you don’t say, says it all.”

That’s my point, DuShawn!

disco

April 3rd, 2013
9:44 am

leggs – this particular “calling out” was a while in coming. whenever I do anything without him he’s always whining like a little sissy boy about “why didn’t I invite him”. when I do invite him he wants to adjust dates and times. I don’t know if it’s legitimate scheduling conflicts or he just wants some control, either way, yesterday was the wrong day to attempt to adjust my schedule. I called him on it.

button – I know you need your man. we’ve had the want/need discussion before.

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:45 am

Button ~ he’s not disco’s honey boo. Therein lies her disconnect with him (lol).

Hazel

April 3rd, 2013
9:45 am

@Disco – there is nothing wrong with that. Seems like he knows his place and he is ok with that. I do wonder what if may expect you to change one day?? You know that happens ; ) I married my friend kinda thing.

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
9:47 am

“…don’t know if it’s legitimate scheduling conflicts or he just wants some control,” – Probably a little of both. No one knowingly wants to be someone’s flunky, and when the are, they’re bound to throw a neckbone in the gravy just to assert some level of control (even if it doesn’t last long).

MsAtl

April 3rd, 2013
9:48 am

Morning All!

Consistency is good, but; I don’t like flaky. It isn’t hard; you show up when confirmed, notify when you have to cancel, call in between (not stalker type). In short, you make the choice to be consistent or not. If someone drops off, especially after a few dates, I am not going to hound them to find out what went wrong. I would let someone know that I don’t see us going into a relationship as a courtesy just to be honest and not string folks along.
I agree- it does feel good to be asked when can I see you again…

disco

April 3rd, 2013
9:49 am

abc – but that fat chick might not understand (or accept) any of the fluff you are feeding her. telling her she’s too fat might be the only thing that makes her respect the truth.

hazel – I have a couple of “waiting in the wing” type brothers. they can wait all they want. I know I don’t want them today and I’m sure I won’t want them tomorrow. now we cool. we can kick it. I play matchmaker for them from time to time. that’s it. I’ve mentioned one here who is always trying to refer to our “hanging out” as a “date”. I’m always having to correct his verbiage. get it right dude. this is not a date. lol.

Hazel

April 3rd, 2013
9:50 am

@abc, 9:21 post. Yes, of course. When telling someone not to call again, I hope one explains why. The guy I asked to not call knew the deal but he wouldn’t leave me alone. I always thought of him as a friend. He is now married to some gorgeous woman and seems very happy.

My friend on the other hand did exactly what you said not to do. She went out so many times with this guy who was all about her and then she just disspeared on him. Not cool on her part. Karma is gonna get her. HE spent all that money, time and even feelings on her

abc

April 3rd, 2013
9:53 am

I get it Disco, you don’t care about anyone’s feelings. Crystal clear, no problem with me. A couple men should clue in your ‘flunky’ though, i.e., stay away from that, she disses you to your face. Gotta wonder what’s the attraction — no offense, personally, but who on earth would accommodate such a careless personality, and based on what?

Actually, I wonder what a man might say to you, disco, to let you know it wasn’t happening? Everyone has faults. What are yours? Outside the obvious?

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

April 3rd, 2013
9:58 am

“sometimes, situations just are what they are”
Let the church as amen…….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5CI_yoNZd4

My shiznit for the day…

MissMoni

April 3rd, 2013
10:01 am

-Court Very good song selection. :-)

Reio

April 3rd, 2013
10:01 am

abc – Sounds like disco’s “little friend guy (flunky type or placeholder to be exact)”, is either a muthafuggin damn fool, or a little slow. In any event, I don’t tghink she can get rid of him, even if she tried really really hard. Dude don’t get it. Can’t get it. His dim wit, and feeble mind gets in his way. Kinda sad.

Celisea

April 3rd, 2013
10:03 am

Karma is gonna get her. HE spent all that money, time and even feelings on her

Karma don’t show up to get folks because someone gets salty :shock: You gotta spend time and a dime to date. You spend and have the person’s company. You talk during that time to see if it’s a go. If not, even swap ain’t no swindle.

If you wish Karma on folks cause they didn’t like you back, you’re not ready for dating. Dating is hit or miss and NEVER guaranteed.

Chile, let me go do some work… Apparently, I’m missing something. Sometimes you like folks and they don’t like you back. Sometimes folks like you and you don’t like them back. You keep going until you find one that likes you and you like them back. But you don’t get salty and hope karma comes for them.

Hazel

April 3rd, 2013
10:03 am

@Disco – lol… poor thing. He is hoping. Nothing wrong with that. You are honest with him so its all his fault.

Hazel

April 3rd, 2013
10:05 am

@ Celisea… I hope it does get her for real. In my friends case,she knew he liked her a lot but she did’nt care. She didnt like him one bit but was enjoyed the lavish dates he was taking her on.

Leggs

April 3rd, 2013
10:06 am

That sounds so damn good, Courtside. Thanks! Makes me want to pull out my Bob James albums.