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Can you live without them?

I was watching Auntie Oprah (not related except in my head) and she was interviewing Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.  When Justice Sotomayor talked about her marriage that ended, I was struck by something her husband told her.  He said that he could not be with her if she could live without him.

It seems her husband had known her since she was a young woman on the cusp of her path to success. At the time,  she was inspiring to him because she worked hard.  He figured that he would also work hard and achieve too.  When he realized that her success was greater than his, things shifted.

I suppose it became a little difficult to be the less successful mate in the relationship as the man.  If she no longer needed him, it was not enough that she wanted him.  Actually, this kind of saddened me a little.  I have seen this same dynamic in many couples.  I often wonder if my successful girlfriends will have to temper their achievements so that the men in their lives are at ease.  Should they have to?

I don’t knock them if they do. It is a choice, a personal decision every successful woman will have to make.  This is why I believe it is important to find a mate after you have reached the peak of your journey.  Of course it is harder to do so by then, but it is equally hard to end a marriage that buckles under the weight of success.

What do you think?  In order for things to “work”, do you have to feel that you can not live without someone?

What kind of impact does success have on a dating relationship or new marriage?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

185 comments Add your comment

Lee

April 1st, 2013
7:20 am

April Fools.

Penelope

April 1st, 2013
7:40 am

Hello everyone!

Ditto, Lee!

Celisea

April 1st, 2013
8:04 am

Too many folks are six feet under, feeling like they can’t live without someone. Nuh uh, not sure I’m feeling this. Deeply in love? Sure. A lifetime together? Absolutely! Can’t live without my boo? Meh, I dunno…lol

Had a grrrreat Easter weekend! I’m off today :mrgreen: It feels fantab leaving the laytop in the case…lol

BBL, maybe….need java and more sleep

Celisea

April 1st, 2013
8:05 am

Hazel

April 1st, 2013
8:15 am

Good morning. Unlike most in the office, I choose to work today! Will be calm and quiet. On topic.. Yes I do think that “? In order for things to “work”, do you have to feel that you can not live without someone?” I feel that way about my husband. I cannot live without him. He knows that too. And because I feel this way, I put 100% in our marriage. As far as success, it depends on the individual. If he is secure within then he won’t care how successful his spouse is. My husband is the main earner,and I happen to believe in gender roles so I’m cool with him making more.

MissMoni

April 1st, 2013
8:23 am

In order for things to “work”, do you have to feel that you can not live without someone? Absolutely NOT. Not to sound harsh, but if your mate dies tomorrow, your life should continue to go on. Unless you’re going to be like Romeo & Juliet and kill yourself.

What kind of impact does success have on a dating relationship or new marriage? If either person is insecure of their mates success then it will eventually be a problem. I’ve seen it quite often where 1 person feels insignificant or they purposely try to sabbatoge their mate.

In order for things to work, both parties are going to have to respect each other and their success without being insecure.

Button

April 1st, 2013
8:39 am

I don’t think that saying you can not live without a person is meant literally that you’re going to die if your partner dies or leave you, for some that maybe the case though with a lot of murder suicides and suicides.

As for women being much more successful than their man, well I’m not sure what to think of it. Success is measured in so many ways. One might be successful in their career while another might be successful with managing finances, health, etc. You can have a successful career but if you fail at everything else then where is the success?

MissMoni

April 1st, 2013
8:44 am

-Hazel I’m at work as well.

BBL meeting at 9.

Single and Happy

April 1st, 2013
8:48 am

Hello All

From this topic, I take can’t live without is in the sense of financially, not as in emotionally, Diva refers to success not love. Everyone should be able to live without their mate, but stay there because that’s where they want to be. I personally don’t think there is nothing wrong with a woman being more successful than her mate, but outside factors like peer pressure and society can make some people think otherwise. Some people fell like unless they’re on somewhat of the same level they will have nothing in common. If the wife’s a doctor, she can’t show off her blue collar husband the electrician, like she could her white collar husband who is the lawyer.

Celisea

April 1st, 2013
8:55 am

Natutally, the example does not LITERALLY speak to death. Either way, it’s still the death of a relationship.

Hazel

April 1st, 2013
8:56 am

@MissMoni – we r one of the few working today. my 9am meeting was cancelled! phew.
@SinglenHappy – Good point. I didnt think of the question that way. I meant it from Love ..that I can’t live without my husband. But even my lifestyle wouldn’t be the same without my hubby. But that’s not why I married him..lol. I met him when he wasn’t a doctor

SlimNu

April 1st, 2013
8:57 am

Good morning gang,

I hope you all had a great Easter weekend ;-)

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
9:12 am

Good morning. Had a great Easter dinner. Wasn’t as on point as I know it should have been, but it was good.

Too many times we hear of the man who can’t handle that his wife or SO is more successful, hence making more money, than he is. It’s rare these days to find someone who takes your breath away and you can’t live, cannot function without him or her. That’s what it sounds like her husband was saying to her. He is her everything and w/o him, she’s nothing. Jealousy will always be front and center with that mindset. To me, it seems he wants a strong woman, but not too strong that she can stand on her own. That is quite sad.

I’m at work as well.

Button

April 1st, 2013
9:15 am

One way to make it “work” one should not rub it in their mates face jmo.

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

April 1st, 2013
9:17 am

Morning all!!! I am always blown away when I hear that guys can not handle being with a woman that earn more than they do….. But since I figured out long ago that I am not defined by my paycheck, that would never be a factor for me anyway!! Now as to not being able to live without someone?? Well that is crazy silly as well…. You were looking for someone when you found this one….

Button

April 1st, 2013
9:41 am

Courtside – last time I checked you are defined by your paycheck.

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
9:59 am

You’re defined as to how you can do with your paycheck.

Exiled

April 1st, 2013
9:59 am

Nothing wrong with a woman’s success. It depends on how she changes or does after the success comes.

I kinda agree with Hazel on putting 100% to the marriage(I skimmed tho what she wrote,didn’t read errbody else,lol)

The marriage has to be the focal point not the career.

I am loving my job and the direction and knowledge but if that compromises or starts to compromise my marriage and kids etc I will drop that in a hot minute and choose something that brings 100% harmony to the marriage.

Not time to jibby jabbah!

Have a good day!

(ohh,it’s April’s fools,so take that with meh…. Lol)

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
9:59 am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAQI. I’m on the right day and month today (lolol).

Exiled

April 1st, 2013
10:00 am

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
10:00 am

how MUCH you can do

Button

April 1st, 2013
10:05 am

Leggs – you are defined by your income and your credit score, oh and also the car you drive. :lol:

Celisea

April 1st, 2013
10:18 am

Lololol…..Button? You okay?

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
10:24 am

I got Raqi’s bday wrong again. Reading is fundamental…it’s the 3rd. Don’t mean to play april fool’s jokes on myself, but it is what it is.

Mike P

April 1st, 2013
10:30 am

Relationships, all relationships are based on serving the needs of others or getting your needs fulfilled.

I will need my woman to be the homemaker, child care provider, and wife, she’ll need me to be the provider and protector.

If she’s a career driven woman, that’s fine, more power to her, but she wouldn’t “be the one” for me as she couldn’t serve my needs without sacrificing her own desires, building resentment against me.

Since this is the type of women I require, her making more than me wouldn’t be an issue.

Good morning folks

Button

April 1st, 2013
10:40 am

Celisea- why do you always ask me if I’m okay? you seem so concerned
Mike P – that’s so 1050’s j/k

Durty Burd

April 1st, 2013
10:44 am

Good Morning!

Great Easter Day!

I can live without anyone, but GOD in my life. We have been given intellect, feelings and most importantly the ability to survive. Life goes on with or without you or your SO. I wanted my mate to be able to go on without to live out her life as GOD would intend for it to be.

It seems to me men who lack understanding and acknowledgement, that in today’s world there is a strong possibility your SO will make more money then you, because the rules of the workforce have changed. ! am here as your help mate to assist you in accomplishing your dreams and goals and if your dreams and goals are in a profession that pays you more then me, I will rejoice and be happy for you.

Life is more then a paycheck, you must have more then just money to offer in relationship in order for it to thrive.

Button

April 1st, 2013
10:45 am

Mike P – actually that’s the kind of lifestyle I want and miss. I loath getting up in the morning driving in traffic only to be sitting at a desk, ocnference call all day long….yawn then drive home in the same traffic only to start it all over again within a few hours.

Courtside Seats (With no PSL's added on!!!! )

April 1st, 2013
10:47 am

Button, Not in the least….. My job is what I do not who I am!!! That’s how folks get caught up… I will never ever let this job or any other define me.

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
10:49 am

“I will need my woman to be the homemaker, child care provider, and wife, she’ll need me to be the provider and protector.

If she’s a career driven woman, that’s fine, more power to her, but she wouldn’t “be the one” for me as she couldn’t serve my needs without sacrificing her own desires, building resentment against me.”

Kordell Stewart, when did you start blogging. Guess you have time on your hands since fling for divorce.

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
10:50 am

Celisea- why do you always ask me if I’m okay? you seem so concerned – too funny.

Leggs

April 1st, 2013
10:51 am

But you have to have a paycheck in order to get into a relationship.

Don’t mind me, just playing with words this morning.

Celisea

April 1st, 2013
10:51 am

Button – Well, I am concerned. You sometimes read upset. Just want all to be one with the universe…..lol Sort of, any way :)

MissMoni

April 1st, 2013
10:52 am

Ok I’m back!

Hazel & Leggs- It seems that the workers that did show up are moving in slow motion this morning. . . Quite a few including myself were nodding after the first 15 minutes of the meeting.

I’ve learned that success is in the eye of the beholder. Some people are quite content with the latest Jordan’s or a new hairdo. So while dating, I believe it’s important to find out exactly what success means to your mate.

Celisea

April 1st, 2013
10:54 am

I’m gonna take a nap

Toddles…..til later

disco

April 1st, 2013
10:56 am

good morning. first things first, as far as I’m concerned it’s not good to feel as if you cannot live without any person or thing. I think “I can’t live without you” is one of those romantic phrases that is meant to sound good but not meant to be taken literally. God bless the man who thinks he can’t live without me. he’ll be dead by the end of the week.

HST

April 1st, 2013
10:58 am

Good morning bloggers.

“He said that he could not be with her if she could live without him.” I would have to see this in context to believe that she was actually implying the way Diva inferred the statement. Even then, I’d have to hear the husband say it with such implication.

I would never be mad if my GF or wife made more than I did. I would not feel any less of a man, and nor would I ever feel less than my other.

As some of you may remember, I wanted my LTR GF to come back last year. I paid her taxes off, and told her to retire. OK, did I want her to make me a sandwich (it’s about the only thing she can cook) at my beck-and-call? Yep. However, she decided that sucked, and well…that’s what I love about her. She’s an achiever, and no matter how much I took care of her it drove her nuts. She’s been working for 7 months or so, and she’s putting money into my account. I didn’t ask, and actually I told her to stop, but it feel on deaf ears. She making really good money, she’s feeling great about it, and fast-tracking to greater status than before she left to contract outside the US. I only support her, and would never do otherwise.

If you’re a man whom is intimidated by your woman’s success there’s plenty of good therapists to help you with that problem. Otherwise you must be misogynistic, completely insecure, or both.

disco

April 1st, 2013
11:00 am

s/h – hey. an electrician is “skilled” labor. he’s good. it’s those “general” laborers that get the side eye. lol. I kid I kid. much love to the general laborers of the world.

leggs – why was the dinner not as on point as it could have been? what was wrong?

court – remember, the blog gents are the exception. out in the general population these things (like women earning more and men being intimidated by it) are quite true.

SlimNu

April 1st, 2013
11:01 am

It seems that the workers that did show up are moving in slow motion this morning

MissM/Leggs – I had a conference call this morning (which lasted too long by the way) Anyhoo, my boss was on the call like, No one has anything? No questions, concerns ANYTHING?! Said we all were too quiet and that we had a dud of a call. :???:

Durty Burd

April 1st, 2013
11:11 am

Disco we know it true, we all have friends or relatives who have struggle or are struggling with the concept their wives make more money then they do. Sometimes you have to say to yourself what is more more important my ego or losing this woman who is my better half, who loves me, supports me and has assisted me with raising kids. Common Sense is not the rule of today…

Leggs please continue your analysis of words this morning…Just make sure you comeback with some comedic..

disco

April 1st, 2013
11:16 am

durty – you know I was just putting it out there. you know how you blog gents tend to come off as the crème de la crème. not a low down, no good, no count, worthless summa-mma among you.

SlimNu

April 1st, 2013
11:24 am

Durty – It’s like we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t….Intimidated by a partner making more than you but quick to call a chick a gold-digger if it’s the man making bukoo bucks. (don’t mean You as in You but in general)

MsAtl

April 1st, 2013
11:24 am

Morning All!
I do not have to feel like I cannot live without my mate. It also is not necessary for him to feel that way about me (imagining the whole If I can’t have you, no one will scenario). No sir, let it be an I want you situation…

While I require a BMW (”Black Man Working”), I do not have an issue with a mate that is percieved as less successful than me, I recognize that some men do have an issue with that. I would be hesitant to date someone who had an issue with it because I’ve been there, done that, had my job and degree denigrated and downplayed. I will not dumb down in order to be in a relationship.

HST

April 1st, 2013
11:24 am

Disco, it’s funny you say that. Maybe I’m very selective who can be my friends or current acquaintances; but if a “man” acted that way in front of me – I’d call him immediately on his behavior.

My question to you ladies is where in the heck do you meet such men. Moreover, do they show this behavior immediately or hide it until they explode?

HST

April 1st, 2013
11:25 am

BMW (”Black Man Working”) I. Can. Not. Stop. Laughing.

Hazel

April 1st, 2013
11:25 am

@MissMoni – Half of the office is not here. I kinda like it
@Exiled – Thank you on the 100%.
Often folks look at woman being weak because she 100% all about her man. I don’t think that. I look at being loyal and not submissive

Hazel

April 1st, 2013
11:27 am

@ Mike P – “I will need my woman to be the homemaker, child care provider, and wife, she’ll need me to be the provider and protector.”
Preach brotha preach. You are singing my kinda song

disco

April 1st, 2013
11:29 am

HST – these men are among us in the general population. they are in the workplace, at the gym, in church, at the cookout. some of them fake the funk but others are quite real about their lack of ambition. the better question is, where do you hang out where none of the men exhibit any of these qualities? are your blinders on? do only women have the radar? lol.

Mike P

April 1st, 2013
11:29 am

@Leggs: ??? who is Kordell Stewart? and why the personal attack?

@button: yep, there’s a person for everyone I believe. we just need to wait until we find the right person for us, making life better for the husband, the wife and subsequently the children.

Single and Happy

April 1st, 2013
11:30 am

Disco, you know how people like to impress their friends, Some are okay with an electrician who has his own business, but when you say you work in a manufacturing plant then you get the side eye. Especially when you say you have no desire to own your own business.