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Do you need background info?

One of my friends had an awkward first date recently.  The guy was a “referral” from her co-worker, so he was basically a blind date set up.  The fact that he knew a boatload of personal information about her on their first date bothered her, though.

She is extremely private at work, so the co-worker was not privy to some of the things her date knew.  It turns out that the guy went on a little fact minding mission before he met her.  The co-worker only gave him her first and last name and what school she went to.

One quick (too quick?) Facebook search and he spotted a connection.  Someone he went to school with was related to my friend.  I don’t know which is creepier, the effort he put into get some background information – or the fact that he told her how much he “already discovered” about her.

Listen, I am sure this guy has a perfectly good explanation for going through great lengths to screen my friend.  Perhaps he has a psycho ex.  Maybe he has had his pet rabbit boiled in a revenge plot.  I get it. He doesn’t want to be hurt again! I have to ask, though, do you think he went too far?

Would you consider it a red-flag if someone you just met knew waaaaay too much information about you?  Would you go out with this person again if that was the only thing that turned you off?

Have you ever used Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc. to “get a better sense” of someone’s personality?  Did it make you rethink dating them?

I swear, Facebook is a blessing and curse for dating..at the same time.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

221 comments Add your comment

Exiled

March 21st, 2013
7:05 am

His Only problem to me was lack of tact or class…..u don’t have to tell what u know or don’t know. That info u discover is for u to Act on,not brag or talk about.

Discovery is good but be seemingly psycho is Bad!

It’s good that we have Facebook and these other public databases. In fact,given the history of serial killers,scammers,lying folks etc,going full press background check on someone before a date is mandatory! It’s just like ur HIV test before the smash.

Actually,u may never come to do the pre-s
pre-smash, HIV test because u will be rotting under the leaves and tires in an abandoned house somewhere in North Georgia! Dead.

So do the background test. Some American men are just that crazy!

Hello MIA!

Exiled

March 21st, 2013
7:06 am

being seemingly psycho,I meant.

Lee

March 21st, 2013
7:28 am

I agree with Exiled- that guy lacked tact, and came off creeppyyyy… Lots of people misrepresent them selves on-line. So i would take that with a grain of salt, and use that information when asking questions to see if things matched. You never know if someone is truly a nut job, look at all those people that were married years and then out of the blue one kills the other. Its a crazy world and everything you do you are taking chances.
glad its Thursday. Friday is coming fast, Thank God!

Single & Happy

March 21st, 2013
7:41 am

Nothing wrong with the guy looking, to me the problem is she put all that information out there for anyone to see!! And yea it’s easy to blame “Facebook” but it only supplies the information that the user supplies it. Would never use any social media to check on anyone, and if someone used it to check on me, they really wouldn’t find out anything.

Would I consider it a red flag?? Naw, a semaphore message, YES!! leave cra cra where they seat. DATE OVER

Hello All

LeeH1

March 21st, 2013
8:27 am

In today’s world, it is a good idea to check out new acquaintances. And there is a lot of infomration available on the Internet, although not all of it can be relied on.

But like anyone else, you need to keep what you know nad don’t know in perspective. If you let the person know what you know, you are also exposing your hand. Check to see if the person is alright and not out on bail or a refugee from child support. But otherwise, checking online is not really all that different from checking with friends. And anyone who tries to hide facts in order to be private will get a surprise when they see how much of what they think is hidden is really known.

Button

March 21st, 2013
8:36 am

Good morning, I don’t think the guy is creepy, he’s just doing what some of us have done in finding out information about a date. I’ve done it. However, I didn’t do what he did and let the date know. I kept that info to myself to see if what the person said on social media lines up with what is said face to face.

Just like Single said, people only know what you put out there. If you’re putting all your business out there all carte blanche then you can’t call foul when someone use it against you.

SlimNu

March 21st, 2013
8:55 am

Wow, I agree with Ex again. What is the world coming to? lol I totally agree that buddy didn’t have to tell ole girl how he went through all her trashcans, snooped in her storage unit, interviewed all her neighbors etc….those were things he just should’ve made a mental note about. Therefore, when a particular subject were to come up, he could see if what she actually told him matched up with things he found out. DUH! That’s like background checking 101 I felt a little weird knowing the beau did a background check on me but I have nothing to hide so it’s all good.

Single & Happy

March 21st, 2013
9:16 am

So dating is not about getting to know anyone anymore, it’s about seeing if they are lying to you??

If I ever find out anyone did a background check on me, it’s over from that point. What happened to trust?

And how would you catch a serial killer or scammer by doing a back ground check??

Single & Happy

March 21st, 2013
9:18 am

Oh Slim since you agree with ex, you think only American men are crazy (LOL)

Hazel

March 21st, 2013
9:24 am

lol.. I would have done the same thing and not tell her. Shoo. I don’t have time to waste. I gotta know somethings before I met up with you. That’s what internet is there for. To search whatever that is you want.
@Single and button – I disagree on “ppl finding what you put out there”. You will be amazed that what you can find.. where someone works, worked and where the live. This info is easily available online. no joke. my hubby’s ex-flame called him as she found his cell# online. I looked and sure enough it was there with the house address.. scary, i know

Button

March 21st, 2013
9:25 am

Single – So dating is not about getting to know anyone anymore, it’s about seeing if they are lying to you?? yes

What happened to trust? trust no one

And how would you catch a serial killer or scammer by doing a back ground check?? dontdatehim.com

Button

March 21st, 2013
9:28 am

Hazel – I was referring to social media like facebook and such, I’m aware of the other engines out there that provide addresses and phone/land lines.

disco

March 21st, 2013
9:29 am

good morning. ex – I agree with your original post. not mad at him for getting the scoop. he didn’t necessarily have to play his hand right out the gate though. still, getting hooked up by a co-worker gave them both leverage. old girl is probably just perturbed she didn’t do her due diligence on him as well. lol. I could just see me when old boy told me A, B and C about me. I would have just been like well what about your X, Y and Z. lol. we can go back and forth all day. what you got?

MissMoni

March 21st, 2013
9:33 am

GOOD Thursday Morning MIA!!!

For the second day in a row, I’m agreeing with Ex!!! :-) The guy definitely lacked tact but as Single & Happy stated, she made the info PUBLIC in the first place. There are security settings on Facebook where if you are not friends then the person can NOT see your info. For future reference, I suggest she uses those privacy features.

-Button DontDateHim.com has revealed quite a few things for a many of people, LOL!!!

Button

March 21st, 2013
9:34 am

It’s only natural to want to find out sometihng about the person you are beginning to date esp with today’s technology. Back in the day I would find out from family/friends or people in the community, I wanted to know more than just a name and or where he worked, I needed a little more than that. Living here in Atlanta I don’t have the advantage of hearing from others perspective whether that person is a good person or not whose known that person’s track record.

Button

March 21st, 2013
9:36 am

meant: …from people who knows that person’s track record.

Button

March 21st, 2013
9:37 am

MissMoni – LOL @dontdatehim.com I used that site religiously.

SlimNu

March 21st, 2013
9:38 am

Single – Of course not…the one’s NOT from America are probably worse…no offense Ex :lol:

MsAtl

March 21st, 2013
9:52 am

Morning All!

In general, I find no problem with doing a quick search online prior to going out with someone. I think, however, that it is more crucial for women due to safety issues. A full on background check is a different story, kind of creepy. If he felt the need to do it, he should not have told her all of that. Hmmm, dontdatehim.com, huh?

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
9:53 am

I can say I’ve never used FB, Twitter or LinkedIn to find out about a date. I’ve snooped on FB though…just to be nosey…lol Ummm, I’m sort of in the middle on this one. I don’t think what he did was so awful because I too will try and pull up a few things to “see what I can find” on a person, I’m potentially dating. I’m not going to camp outside of his house, go through his trash, ask folks about him though. IMO, “digging” like that is an extreme and I would wonder, whatcha digging for?

For me, my efforts to check on someone is solely for the purpose of making sure you’re AOK to hang out with….as in no sister wives laying around somewhere, no bodies buried in the backyard and no body parts in your freezer. I’m not tryna see how much dirt I can get, such as how many folks you’ve slept with, if you’re practicing religion, etc etc etc. I just want to be comfy knowing I can go and return in one piece. And while some may not agree with this, I’m not checking for your credit and all that other stuff eihter. It’s a date….that’s all. You need to be clean, have money and in a good mood. Anything more that’s gonna happen with us will dictate “need to know” stuff. I don’t need to know your entire history just to break bread for one evening….and I’d hope you feel the same about me.

Now, if we move into coupledom, then yeah there are more things I need to know, but for me that’s sort of take it/learn it/know it as it comes.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
9:56 am

And if I found out a dude went all out, digging on me for one blind date…prior to the date, oh it’s off. If I find out post date, lose my number. We ain’t tryna getting married….

Hazel

March 21st, 2013
9:58 am

@button – oh ok.. cleared the confusion there

Single & Happy

March 21st, 2013
9:58 am

Hazel, you mean these things that you can find out by just asking, and if you know before I tell you, can you say STALKER TENDENCIES!! What’s so scary about finding out someones address online, if it’s in the phone book, it’s online. and as far as the cell phone number, it’s there because he put it on some site. If you know my name you can find any of that information.

Slim, they are worse, because in a lot of other countries, they can get away with it!!

Even asking family and friends is a no no for me, if you want to know something just ask.

If you keep your eyes open and your mouth shut, everything will come clear in time!

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
9:59 am

And as much as I chat on here, I NEVER tell folks stuff at work….EVER!! For one thing, you don’t see them telling theirs. Too, for what I post on here, IMO it’s nothing. A car, a house, naming a venue is nothing…IMO You won’t hear me telling too much about my boo either…it’s nunya…lol I can talk about the kid’s dad or Silky or the Stockbroker, that’s all past, closed chapter, paged turned, you live and you learn type stuff. Current stuff is private :mrgreen:

disco

March 21st, 2013
10:00 am

just so I’m clear…..so in a blind date / hook up type situation it’s okay for the blind date to “interrogate” the person providing the hookup but it’s not okay for the blind date to “confirm” any information from outside sources? I think it’s natural for the blind date to say “tell me about him or her” and to then ask follow up questions. sure they could take that person at their word but let’s face it, some people have ulterior motives for hooking someone up. one of which is not wanting to be bothered with a person and trying to put that person off on someone else.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:01 am

And really, what you need to know about a person will be revealed in time. I still say nothing beats listening, paying attention and watching. It may not produce the names of his sister wives, but that’s not important. Just knowing he’s got a gang of chicks/wives laying up someone is all you need to know to run!!!

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:02 am

some people have ulterior motives for hooking someone up

Everybody’s got ulterior motives. Whether it’s getting some, whether it’s finding a husband, whether it’s tryna see if what you heard is true, etc etc etc

disco

March 21st, 2013
10:07 am

C – not necessarily. some folks are of the mindset that folks have to be coupled up to be happy and they (in their own minds) want to do their part to help make someone else happy. I’d consider that more in line with just being “helpful”. other folks have adult siblings living with them and figure if they hook him up with a lonely female co-worker then maybe they’ll hit it off and he’ll move out of her house and in with the other chick. that’s ulterior motive. lol. that’s a real life scenario right there. I told the chick when she told me about the hookup that the sister was just trying to get her brother out of her house. lol.

Button

March 21st, 2013
10:10 am

Single – I’m not with the ” it will be revealed in time ” line. You can be with a person for years without knowing they had another family right down the street for all you know by thinking that way.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:11 am

disco – LOL…that’s funny and I agree. Okay, I’ll say this, if a person knows you’re single and they have a friend where they think the two of you would hit it off, I can’t say either have ulterior motives. Not even the person hooking them up. But c’mon 99.9 percent of the time, there’s a motive in there somewhere. Not all the time bad, cause somebody could just be puttng in so s/he can snag a mate for life and sometimes not. Sometimes folks “heard” about and wanna hit. Sometimes folks fell you’re too high and wanna bring you down a notch, etc etc etc….all motives…lololol

Button

March 21st, 2013
10:11 am

disco – lol, I know exactly what you’re talking about.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:12 am

feel not fell

disco

March 21st, 2013
10:16 am

button – it’s real ain’t it? lol. one woman once went on and on about why I should date her son. mind you I was involved with her through a volunteer agency. I would drive her for errands and whatnot. all I could think was that if your son was worth anything I wouldn’t have to be taking you to the grocery store and the pharmacy. lol.

Leggs

March 21st, 2013
10:19 am

That would bother me. He went about it the wrong way. He shouldn’t have probe for information from another. What ever happened to having a conversation during the date and learning things about each other. I agree with you EX, he should have kept information in his memory bank. Don’t go on a fact finding mission before meeting me, because this will be FACT, our one and only date!

Morning.

Button

March 21st, 2013
10:27 am

disco – lol, she knows her son is a lazy peice of crap so she wanted to unload him on you so you can drive her and him around.
I had a co worker who tried to get me and her son together, she was well to do lady, she gave me all kinds of expensive things as if she was trying to buy me. I was kind of considering her son thinking if I got all this now just imagine what’s instore going forward. So I started asking her more about her son to see if I would be interested in at least going on a date with him, when she told me how spoiled and lazy he was I declined and told her I wasn’t interested b/c of that she said “oh no, he just needs a good woman like you in his life to whip him into shape” I told her I wasn’t interested in raising a grown man.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:30 am

Off topic:

Whoa…I just won “speedster” on Ruzzle. Find 30 words in 30 seconds :mrgreen:

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:30 am

And a first!!! 79 words in one game.

My bad….back to what y’all were saying

disco

March 21st, 2013
10:31 am

button – we crazy. talking about people’s sons. lol. old girl’s son even still had a curl. I think this was maybe about 5 or 6 years ago. lol.

button – once upon a time my cousins used to always be like “hook me up with your girl”. puh-leeze!!! they are my family and I love them but I would be no kind of friend setting one of my girls up like that. my cousins have long since stopped asking me to hook them up.

Sassy Me...Make it do what it do ;-)

March 21st, 2013
10:33 am

he just needs a good woman like you in his life to whip him into shape”

I would’ve looked at her and said,”What about yoU”, cause if his momma can’t/won’t make him do right then why should another woman raise a grown azz man..I can’t go for that, no can do…

Button

March 21st, 2013
10:41 am

disco – some sons need to be put on blast! lol
Sassy – that’s why I turned down even entertaining her idea of me meeting her son. At least she knows he’s lazy and spoiled. She created that monster.

MissMoni

March 21st, 2013
10:46 am

Sassy, Button & disco- Why is this becoming so popular, for Mama’s to try to hook up their lazy sons??? If he’s too lazy to get his own date, then he needs to be single, LOL!!!

DuShawn

March 21st, 2013
10:48 am

“why I should date her son…..” You ever noticed how you never her about fathers soliciting dates for the daughters.

disco

March 21st, 2013
10:49 am

button – the sons don’t need to be blasted. the momma’s do. lol.

okay here’s a random relationship topic I’m stealing from the radio. apparently tiger and his new woman are all over the news. from what I understand he attending his daughter’s sporting event with the ex and had the new girlfriend sit in the car the whole time. yep. lol. the radio show was taking calls asking if tiger was wrong for asking her to stay in the car or if she was simply devoted to him and the relationship by staying in the car. personally, in my mind, she was all different kinds of fools but a lot of folks actually leaned the other way. what do you all think? I can’t imagine being banished to the car.

MsAtl

March 21st, 2013
10:54 am

Sassy- Now you have me singing that song, lol. I call that a Build-A-Bear, when you have to finish raising a man or help him get it together. Now I will support and assist someone with their dreams within reason, but the only bear I am building is a stuffed one for my grandson.

Disco- No, I would not take well to being banished to the car.

MissMoni

March 21st, 2013
10:55 am

-disco I wouldn’t do well in the car. If he didn’t want her to come, then he should have just left her at home.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
10:56 am

I’ll just say this and I’m off to work….

My kid’s dad’s grandmother was weirdly fond of him. Eeeeeeverybody knew she was ubber stupid about him. Well, they’d all prewarned me that I was gonna catch hell cause I “knocked” her and the white chick he dated prior to me off the box…lol :mrgreen: Anyhoo, we’d stayed out all night hanging out and she couldn’t find him. We ended up crashing at his cousin’s about cause it was nearly the next day and we’d been drinking. Plus we were in Conyers, Timbuktu from our apartment. Anyhoo, she was calling around to her kinfolks, looking for him :shock: Well, she called this cousin and bingo, FOUND US! She had the audacity to ask to speak to me. Umm, you ain’t my grandma annnnd we’re grown. She started with “controlling my man”, so forth and so on. Now, I know bout respecting my elders and didn’t do all the cussing and swearing and talking trash I would have done (I’m much much much better now…lol). I went in on granny though. To sum it up, I told her you raised him. He’s buck wild? Yo fault? I said more but that was the gist of it. The cousin and kids were like oooooh, you said that her??? I was like “yeah, annnnnd.”

Granny did NOT like me. She was an evil old woman. She denied my kid being his kid for YEARS. That was funny to me cause her dad looks like he spit her out. Plus, I vowed never to go in her house again. Well, when she passed, I went to the house there and to my surprise, there was the biggest picture I’d ever seen of my kid right on the wall as you walked in the door. She’d had it enlarged.

Mmm hmmm, she was just mad I had her boo hooked…lololololol

disco

March 21st, 2013
11:01 am

celisea – it sounds like he was bobby boucher (sp?) and you were the devil. lol. remember in waterboy how she kept saying “that girl is the devil”? lol.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 21st, 2013
11:05 am

disco – Never saw the movie, but I get it and yeah, that’s about right. I always wanted to ask granny if she’d every gotten a peek and was hooked cause I must admit, he packed a mean wang punch :mrgreen:

Alright, that was bad of me. disco – I laughed out loud on that. Okay, I gotta work, 2:15 will be here soon enough

Button

March 21st, 2013
11:10 am

disco – I read about Tiger and new girlfriend the other day. I’m liking her support and all and not getting in the way but, to stay in the car for an hour while he attended his daughter’s game is a little bit too much. She should’ve stayed at home until it was over. I wonder did he even leave the window down or the ac running the whole time.

disco

March 21st, 2013
11:12 am

button – one of the callers asked what old girl was going to do when the kid visits? hide in the bathroom until she leaves? lol.