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Why do guys dump nice girls?

A young lady emailed me about her last break up.  After dumping her, he started dating someone rather opposite to who she was.  She ended her email with the question: Why do guys dump nice girls?

I wish I had a helpful answer to this question: Why do the nice guys/girls get overlooked.   After covering dating and relationships for so long, I can only tell you that the right ones don’t.  In other words, people go through a period of their dating career being attracted to the types who are flashy, noisy, or edgy.

I believe a lot of us outgrow this and eventually discover that the heart breakers are to there to be lessons, not lifelong mates.  Still, we are like moths to a flame when it comes to what gets our attention, aren’t we?

When do you think we stop chasing the forbidden fruit?  Does anyone want to weigh in on the young lady’s question, Why do guys dump nice girls?  Should the nice girls/guys be thankful they were spared?

Have you ever dumped the nice girl/guy?  Do you regret it or do you think the timing was just bad?  Should we try to find those nice folks from our past and show the we are ready for the nice, more appropriate relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

162 comments Add your comment

Single and Happy

March 18th, 2013
7:54 am

Why do guys dump nice girls? While she may have thought she was a nice girl, it seems she wasn’t what he was looking for, and he went after someone more his type. Dating is about getting to know someone, and once you figure out they aren’t the one for you, you move on, you don’t hang around because they are a “NICE” person.

Do you regret it or do you think the timing was just bad? I’ve been told I’m the nice guy that they should have dated/stuck with, my response is at the time I wasn’t what you were looking for and you made your decision. Now lets move on!!

Hello All

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

March 18th, 2013
8:05 am

I think you hit it on the head in the post WD.

There is a period of time where men and women like that ‘danger’ element of a relationship. Not necessarily physical danger (although, Tyler Perry movies will have you fillin some kinda way about it), but the danger that comes with dating an ‘exciting’ personality.

Be they “crazy…insane”, a “little nuts”, or “psycho, but great in bed.” Guys fall victim to these chicks…a lot.

Inevitably, it says more about the person that hooks up with the ‘crazy, 8 kids by 17 dudes’, or “has a restraining order from her last BF”, or the ‘neighborhood hoodrat’ chick than it does those women. [NOTE: same goes for the unemployed, dreaded, gold toofed, slapaho tribemember, wanna be 35 yo rapper that some women date]. It’s a phase in life that reflects this persons feeling about themselves ultimately.

When they grow and mature – hopefully before too long – they understad that relationship shouldn’t have drama, it should be easy. You should get along with and truly care for the person.

But that takes being in a headspace that can handle that

Good morning

Ms J~

March 18th, 2013
8:09 am

Morning Crew!

Ms J~

March 18th, 2013
8:14 am

Single & Happy good assessment~

Hazel

March 18th, 2013
8:55 am

This is an easy one. Guys usually dump nice girls because they are NOT ready to settle down and be 100% percent committed. They want to hoe around and eat every cake they can until…. until they get someone pregnant. Ok, the last part was me being silly.
The guy will def look for that NICE woman when he is ready. I have also seen plenty of women who don’t really like nice guys either. They want someone with an edge

SlimNu

March 18th, 2013
8:58 am

Morning gang,

So far i’m digging the comments from Single and Dan da Man ;-)

Hazel

March 18th, 2013
8:59 am

“Should the nice girls/guys be thankful they were spared?”

Yes, and even thank the guy for dumping her. He could have led her on and on and then just drop her off.
This should not stop her from dating, but rather have a mental checklist that she learned from this breakup. And even look for signs.

SlimNu

March 18th, 2013
9:01 am

I’m not sure if any of you have seen the MTV show, True Life. Anyway, they recently had a show about folks in relationships with “very demanding, high maintenance women”. This one guy was dating a chick that bascially had him taking her on shopping sprees, demanding this bag or buy me this etc. At some point during the show, he says he knows she’s demanding and high maintenance, and it does get on his nerves at times. HOWEVER, he kind of likes that. So if the person that wrote in for today’s topic, is calling herself a ‘nice girl’ maybe the guy didn’t think she had much of an edge to her. At the end of the day, like Single said, it’s about finding what works or does it for you.

MsAtl

March 18th, 2013
9:16 am

Morning All!
When do we stop chasing the forbidden fruit? When we mature. For some, that may be never or when they are too old to chase. Therefore, timing does have something to do with it.
Yes, they should be thankful they were spared if the other person was not ready for the relationship.

Mike P

March 18th, 2013
9:22 am

Good Morning All,

Why do guys dump nice girls? – Bad timing and missed cues on the part of the woman.
Generally speaking, guys will give cues as to what he is looking for from the woman he’s with. Is he leading with his heart or is he being driven by his sexual energy?

+ If the guy is being driven by his sexual energy (primarily), then don’t respond to him with your “I wanna-commitment-relationship-with-you” persona. Nothing kills libido faster in a guy than the idea of committing to a woman he has no long-term interests. The woman is better off seeking a man who is leading with his heart; less exciting, I know, but he is better suited for you.

+Woman generally make this mistake ALL the time. (since I am a Man, I am speaking from a male’s perspective; I am sure guys make this mistake too).

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
9:26 am

I was seeing a guy way back when who told me I was too nice. He opted to see this other girl who was a bit rougher than myself. Guess he loved the drama crazy chics bring. She keyed his car, threw rocks at his house, slashed his tires, and wrote on one side of his house. I don’t remember what she wrote. Now, although I am nice, I can be pistol. However, I won’t do drama.

Morning!

my2cents

March 18th, 2013
9:30 am

It’s not only about nice or not nice girts . . . it’s about spark.The right one for you gets your heart to flutter; nice is part of the package but not the reason for being there.

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
9:41 am

“Should the nice girls/guys be thankful they were spared?” – Most definitely. Like Hazel stated, they’re usually not ready to be in a committed relationship that they may deem lack luster, and like Dan stated, they may still need that “danger” element.

Go for it and thank you for leaving me alone!!!!

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
9:45 am

Hello my2cents! You’re right, it’s simply about the “spark.” Point blank, period.com

Robert

March 18th, 2013
9:46 am

“Have you ever dumped the nice girl/guy?”

Yes. I have “dumped” plenty of nice girls, not because they were nice, but because I did not want to cause additional pain and hurt. I never intent to hurt anybody’s feelings and if you see that your actions will adversely affect someone else you must “do the right thing” and let her go. Why hurt someone who des not deserve to be hurt. I have learned to show compassion.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

March 18th, 2013
9:49 am

I don’t think “spared” is the right word.

Rejection is a part of life and dating. That person didn’t ’spare’ anyone, you just weren’t who they were looking for. Accepting that rather than commenting/considering/caring about who they went on to date is more important for the growth of self (esteem) than the ‘woe is me” wondering.

It wasn’t until I was on the other side (#former’nice’guy) and had to tell a few women that I wasn’t “in the right headspace to treat them as [they] deserve(d)” until I got it. I had never been ’spared’ pain, cast off, or treated foul in anyway. I wasn’t the one she (they) were looking for at the time, and that’s okay.

Once I realized that, I could move on better, knowing that there wasn’t anything wrong with me.

disco

March 18th, 2013
9:53 am

good morning guys. well, while nice is nice I, for one, say nice isn’t necessarily enough. you could be nice but unattractive. nice but boring as heck. nice but dumb as a rock. you see where I’m going with this. the whole I’m dumping you because you are too nice is often nothing more than someone sparing your feelings. I don’t personally think that nice is why they are breaking up. they are breaking up because of the unattractive, boring as heck, dumb as a rock. lol.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

March 18th, 2013
9:53 am

While there may have been many ’sparks’ (read: sproing)….I do know that my best relationships were when we each realized – independent of the other – that “hey, I can be myself around this person.” And that came with time, and long after the ’spark’ was gone

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
9:55 am

@Robert ~ I had someone tell me the exact thing you posted. When he said “he didn’t want to ruin my life,” I must admit I was taken aback. It took me a minute, but I realized his life must be jacked up!

disco

March 18th, 2013
9:57 am

leggs – I never had a guy say he’d ruin my life but I did have a guy’s mother tell him to leave me alone before he ruined my life. that happened more than 20 years ago and we still laugh about it.

Robert

March 18th, 2013
10:14 am

Robert’s Rules On Dating – “Why do guys dump nice girls?”

Top 10

1. Attitude – She acts and talks too ghetto, etc.
2. Appearance – She had short hair last week and long hair this week.
3. Clothes – She wears clothes that are not age appropriate (jeans, etc.).
4. Tatoos – She is covered in tatoo’s from head-to-toe.
5. Telephone – She is constantly talking on the phone.
6. Texting – She is constantly sending/receiving text messages. Very annoying.
7. Internet – She is always checking her messages (Facebook, etc.)
8. Tablet – She never leaves home without it.
9. Career – She is un-employed.
10 Passion & Desire – We are not compatible.
3.

Celisea....light, breezy and easy 2013 :)

March 18th, 2013
10:27 am

Yaaaaay, I made Rob’s Top 10….again!! :mrgreen: Well, I can’t speak for #10 because I don’t know Rob, but Top Ten using my boo, I made it!

Oh, Rob you can probably combine some of your stuff and cut the list short..lololol

:) :)

Back to working and lurking (somewhat…got a busy week).

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
10:32 am

Morning Gang!

I like pretty much what you all have said this morning. This is just a part of life. Like Disco said, sometimes “nice” isn’t enough, in fact it’s never enough. I happen to think everyone is basically “nice” – I don’t think we’ve got a lot of rapists and serial killers walking amongst us. I believe we are all basically decent, so lets take “nice” out of the equation. You still have to have SOMETHING going for yourself that is attractive to the other person. Just because you are nice does not mean we are going to automatically get along and something is wrong with me because I’m not attracted to you and all of your niceness. If you have no personality, no ambition or get-up-and-go about yourself, you can’t hold an intelligent conversation, we don’t have a similiar sense of humor or similiar values, just no chemistry – all the nice in the world is not going to make it work for us.

Folks kill me on the outside looking in saying “I just don’t see how she/he could have let that nice lady/guy go”. You have no idea what really went down. A lot of folks seem nice to those on the outside, look good on paper. I’ve had folks trip when I’ve dumped supposedly nice guys. If they only knew the drama behind closed doors! And alot of times there was not any drama, we were just not right for each other. But somehow, it became a bad reflection on me! Oh well, if he’s so great, you take him!

And yes, some folks thrive on drama.

There are several reasons why relationships don’t work out. But again, that’s life.

Mike P

March 18th, 2013
10:34 am

On Robert’s top ten

# 3 and # 6 are of my biggest pet peeves.
#4 is an absolute deal breaker – there is nothing feminine about tattoos IMO.

Single and Happy

March 18th, 2013
10:40 am

Why is it so hard to say you’re not my type and KIM, It’s one thing for someone to tell you that you’re too nice, but for you to imply you’re nice, you may be nice by your standards, but that doesn’t mean you’re nice by the one you desire standards!

Single and Happy

March 18th, 2013
10:43 am

Robert, are you saying jeans are not age appropriate?

abc

March 18th, 2013
10:44 am

Of course, most everyone thinks they’re nice, right? A Quentin Crisp quote goes along the lines of ‘ of reconciling the glowing opinions we have of ourselves with the appalling things others think about us’. Chicks have a tough time with rejection, anyway. Guys have typically experienced more rejections, so grow a bit thicker skin. Chances are, the new girl just had bigger teeotts, don’t get too bent out of shape about it.

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
10:44 am

you may be nice by your standards, but that doesn’t mean you’re nice by the one you desire standards!

Single – Thank You!! Nice is relative!!

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
10:50 am

Yeah abc, just like the new dude probably had a bigger ……. :lol:

disco

March 18th, 2013
10:50 am

abc – re everyone thinking their nice. not me. I’ve been known to say that I’m “nice enough”. lol. if you interviewed 50 folks who knew me and asked them to describe me I don’t think that nice would be the first thing out of their mouths. you might get a lot more “she’s aw-ight”. lol.

Single and Happy

March 18th, 2013
10:57 am

Yea disco, I’m nice once you get to know me (LOL)

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
10:58 am

Celisea ~ you don’t wear jeans? I have a friend who has never owned a pair of jeans or sneakers.

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
11:01 am

disco – I remember back in school they would always label “nice” folks that were quiet and kept to themselves. There were one or 2 guys like that in high school my friends would always want me to get with. I’ve never been attracted to loners. I was always talking too much and clowining and I liked funny nerd types, not weird loners.

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
11:03 am

“I just don’t see how she/he could have let that nice lady/guy go”. You have no idea what really went down. A lot of folks seem nice to those on the outside, look good on paper.” – Exactly. On the flip side, that’s why I’m never jealous of another person. You have no idea what another person is enduring simply to look good or have nice things.

Also, Investigation Discovery shows how seemingly nice people are killing other people (lol).

Robert

March 18th, 2013
11:03 am

@ – Single and Happy – “Robert, are you saying jeans are not age appropriate?”

Women over 35 yrs old should not be wearing jeans that are too tight or show too much butt-crack when she bends bown.

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
11:04 am

Leggs – I’m not a big jeans person, but I do wear them occasionally when appropriate. I don’t see anything wrong with a neat, clean, figure-appropriate pair of jeans with a cute top. Same for sneakers.

There is a time, place and way to wear anything. I don’t see what the big deal is.

disco

March 18th, 2013
11:06 am

kimmie – funny. I’m a quiet loner and a loudmouth cut up at the same time. generally I say if I’m quiet around you it’s because I don’t know you or don’t like you. if we cool I got plenty to say.

Durty Burd ( An IUD will help nice girls)

March 18th, 2013
11:07 am

Good Afternoon!

Disco did you make Robert’s list? lol :)

What is nice? Maybe the dude did not considered her to be a nice person? Often times people have an opinion about themselves that others do not share. Simply put your not his type.
Must people take a long time figuring out what type of SO they would like and you usually need to date different peoples in order to find out what is good for you. Then hopefully that person will see you in the same light.

March Madness time baby!

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
11:07 am

Robert – I don’t think anyone regardless of age should wear anything outside the bedroom that is too tight or shows butt-crack. That could happen with a pair of khakis, doesn’t have to be jeans.

kimmie

March 18th, 2013
11:09 am

disco – You sound like me in that regard. If I’m in a social setting and I’m reserved, I will lay back in the cut and people-watch. Either I hardly know anyone or don’t care much. Otherwise, I like to have fun and talk and cut up.

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
11:13 am

Exactly, kimmie. A woman over 35 with a nice figure wearing skinny jeans is fine with me. Hell, I rock skinny jeans now. Don’t worry, Robert, you and I are not compatible anyway (lol).

Robert ~ not even a baby should show butt crack in their clothes. So, it starts there (lol).

Leggs

March 18th, 2013
11:14 am

Durty ~ I’ve been waiting to see who would say “March Madness” first. I was hoping it would be a WLB.

disco

March 18th, 2013
11:15 am

durty – I wasn’t checking for robert’s checklist. lol. but for entertainment purposes. yeah. I can be ghetto. I’m not all ghetto all the time but I can definitely go there. I don’t see anything wrong with changing one’s hairstyle or style of dress. I’m all for dressing age appropriate but no one is going to tell me what’s age appropriate for me. I have no tats. I hardly talk on the phone. I don’t text at all. I have a flip phone remember? lol. passion and desire. well. no comment on that one.

Reio

March 18th, 2013
11:28 am

Morning all. Just thought I’d chime in for a moment. Back in my dating days, I dumped a few. But I never dumped them because they were nice. Nice is good. Other things came into play and I had to cut them loose. In my opinion, nice, is no reason to dump someone. Just looking back on those days, there is one thing that they all seemed to have in common. Each one had a CRAZY side that eventually reared it’s ugly head, which caused me to run for the hills. Nice, had nothing to do with it.

MissMoni

March 18th, 2013
11:31 am

GOOD Monday Morning MIA!!!

It’s a matter of personal choice. Nice people get the boot not because they’re nice but because they are not what the other person is looking for at the time. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that 1 out, LOL!

-kimmie & Leggs I agree, butt crack of ANY kind is NOT appropriate at any age. That other stuff on Robert’s list is subject to the individual and does not hold true for all seekers.

disco

March 18th, 2013
11:31 am

reio – I think almost everyone has a crazy side. I think the problem with “crazy sides” coming to surface is that no one wants to accept their responsibility for making a person go there. lol. now don’t get me wrong. I know there are plenty of unprovoked crazies out there but when you have a basically calm, mild-mannered person and you take them there, don’t call them crazy. check yourself. btw – reio – that’s not directed at you. just in general.

Reio

March 18th, 2013
11:39 am

Thank you, disco, I understand where you’re coming from. I suppose CRAZY can be defined in many ways, my definition was played out by each of the women that I dumped. Although there was one that did’nt meet my definition of crazy, she just thought too much of me and wanted to get too close, too soon. The others were TRULY CRAZY, as I eventually found out.

disco

March 18th, 2013
11:46 am

reio – well, it’s kind of slow and we love a good crazy story. please share.

Bluzgirl

March 18th, 2013
11:52 am

Morning!

I don’t have a whole lot to add to what others have said already. When I started seeing The Young One, I kind of felt that he was too nice, but really, it was that he was too clingy, needy, etc. I am ready for a really nice guy…it’s just that he wasn’t the right one.

Reio

March 18th, 2013
11:54 am

As a younger man, I was very impatient when it came to relationships. I dumped early. Real early. Didn’t waste time. The first sign of CRAZY, I was gone. Didn’t look back. My three older sisters sat me down one day and helped me understand that it was not always the women, sometimes it was me. They just showed up one day, all three, out of the clear blue,because they found out that I had dumped a nice girl that they introduced me to. A woman that they held in high regard. They found out that she was taking the breakup very hard. And she was, in their opinion, one of the nicest people they knew. All I did was tell them that the fact that she was taking the breakup so hard is proof that she was not right for me, because we had been dating for only about five weeks. She wanted to get too close, too soon.